Initiated NC.

[lylat333]

Sorry to hear you've been experiencing a setback.

 

Hopefully getting out with your friends and family helped, but I know it doesn't always do the trick. (but still helpful)

 

So... I'm a bit confused about your ex still having the engagement ring. Do you have any idea if he's been seeing anyone else or is he just stuck in the mud? Remind me how long you've been out of contact or where you expect things to go from here? I've always found your situation interesting. It may not look to the outside like he's slammed the door in your face but that's how you've had to take it.

[BC1980]

Sorry to hear you've been experiencing a setback.

 

Hopefully getting out with your friends and family helped, but I know it doesn't always do the trick. (but still helpful)

 

So... I'm a bit confused about your ex still having the engagement ring. Do you have any idea if he's been seeing anyone else or is he just stuck in the mud? Remind me how long you've been out of contact or where you expect things to go from here? I've always found your situation interesting. It may not look to the outside like he's slammed the door in your face but that's how you've had to take it.

 

Last I heard, he wasn't seeing anyone else. We've been out of contact for 7 weeks, coming up on 2 months here shortly. I don't remember the exact date. The problem is that I don't know where I expect things to go from here. Obviously, I want him to profess he made a mistake, but the chances of that are not high. I feel that it is best for me to take it as thought it is finished because I can't walk around in limbo land while he is getting to decide what he wants. That is no way to live.

 

The last time we talked, he was very emotional, actually saying that he missed me, the past few months had been really hard for him, BUT he was still in a place of uncertainty with how to proceed. This is about as much emotion as I've gotten from him in 3 years because he is not very comfortable sharing his emotions (from how he was raised and past experiences). He felt the wounds were still too raw, but he didn't want to "give up hope" and still hoped it could work out. He said he is still trying to protect himself because it was so hard to even come to the decision to break up with me, and he couldn't bare to go thorough that again. He actually, at one point, was worried I was telling him to "give up hope" for us. I asked for NC because I wasn't willing to be around someone so confused. It was only hurting me at that point.

 

Lyatt, from a dumper's POV, is it a good sign that he is still undecided, or a bad sign. When is comes down to it, he's undecided, so I have to take that at face value. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Mariposa10]

BC, I think you need to give up hope. This doesn't mean you two will not have a relationship in the future, but for the moment, you have to move on. How can one move on if we keep thinking about what will happen with our exes??

 

So let's say that you two do get back together, wouldn't you feel a little bit resentful after what he's put you through? I think lots of time has to pass before a new healthy relationship can take place. Your ex has to be really sure too, thank goodness, he talked about his uncertainty before marriage.

 

NC is all about us, to focus on us, not on our exes. We must be selfish when it comes to NC.

 

I think you're going through the last stage maybe that's why you're having such a hard time right now.

[BC1980]

BC, I think you need to give up hope. This doesn't mean you two will not have a relationship in the future, but for the moment, you have to move on. How can one move on if we keep thinking about what will happen with our exes??

 

So let's say that you two do get back together, wouldn't you feel a little bit resentful after what he's put you through? I think lots of time has to pass before a new healthy relationship can take place. Your ex has to be really sure too, thank goodness, he talked about his uncertainty before marriage.

 

NC is all about us, to focus on us, not on our exes. We must be selfish when it comes to NC.

 

I think you're going through the last stage maybe that's why you're having such a hard time right now.

 

I feel like I have one foot in the past, one in the present desperately trying to move forward. It's so difficult because I know that if I do tell him I am moving on, I have to accept that I will never see him again. I am wrestling so hard with that. What if I did give it a few more months, and there was hope. What if I end up wasting those months when I could have been moving forward?

[Mariposa10]

I feel like I have one foot in the past, one in the present desperately trying to move forward. It's so difficult because I know that if I do tell him I am moving on, I have to accept that I will never see him again. I am wrestling so hard with that. What if I did give it a few more months, and there was hope. What if I end up wasting those months when I could have been moving forward?

 

 

You don't have to tell him anything. He's the one who should do the talking, after all he's the one with all the doubting. Our exes know how we feel, didn't you send him an email telling him how things could be fixed (same thing I did) You should move on, and when you're ready send him his things, that way you'll be ready for any kind of reaction he'll have. He might be ready for a second chance, he might not.

 

He's still having a hard time letting go, which you should take comfort in. You're not the only one going through a hard time.

 

Be selfish, focus only on your needs. There's no "us" anymore. Maybe in the future, but right now, don't even think about it.

 

My main point here is: we have to accept that everything is REALLY over, no hope, no nothing.

[Mariposa10]

Btw, we need one of those thora-tiki's posts here!!!

[lylat333]

Lyatt, from a dumper's POV, is it a good sign that he is still undecided, or a bad sign. When is comes down to it, he's undecided, so I have to take that at face value. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Hmm... by good sign do you mean it could indicate things could still work out? If so, my opinion is yes I do think there is a chance he may come around. What it will take or how long, that I don't know and this is a really bad place for you. But ultimately, yes, he is undecided so you have free reign to do pretty much whatever you want.

 

Really tough situation, though. When I left my other ex, I was confused, too. She asked me multiple times if there was still hope for us. I said, "I don't know", but inside I was assuming we would stay apart for a few months and I could take it from there. I had no sense of urgency because I had no fear of being replaced, and I didn't even care if she dated. I figured I would find out if she started dating and be able to make a decision before they got too serious or intimate with each other.

 

I turned out to be dead wrong on that one. So... I am inclined to say for your sake, stay in NC and continue living life without him wherever that goes. In my case I wished it didn't fall apart so fast but I knew I screwed up and had no one to blame but myself. Which I think is how your ex will feel if you move on. I don't doubt she resented me for that 2 months after we broke up because I was on my "dumper's high" while she was depressed.

 

I ask myself what if she would have came out guns blazing again after a month or two of silence? I get now why dumpees like us don't want to do that because the last thing we want to put ourselves through is being rejected anymore. I don't know, I'm really torn on that. Would it have gotten me over my state of confusion and indecisiveness? Maybe. Maybe if she would have spilled her guts out to me we would have gotten over it, or maybe I would have continued to be the passive aggressive person I was and used it against her. But I think the bottom line is that was a risk she shouldn't have had to take.

 

Sorry if I'm not helping you feel much better. It is a really tough situation, I can only imagine how frustrated you are with him. If I were you I would remain in NC because I would fear contact would reset the clock on a possible reconciliation. That's my personal theory - that contact turns the clock back. Every time I was reminded my ex was sad or wanted us to work out, it killed any sense of urgency and my selfish indecisiveness continued.

[BC1980]

Hmm... by good sign do you mean it could indicate things could still work out? If so, my opinion is yes I do think there is a chance he may come around. What it will take or how long, that I don't know and this is a really bad place for you. But ultimately, yes, he is undecided so you have free reign to do pretty much whatever you want.

 

Really tough situation, though. When I left my other ex, I was confused, too. She asked me multiple times if there was still hope for us. I said, "I don't know", but inside I was assuming we would stay apart for a few months and I could take it from there. I had no sense of urgency because I had no fear of being replaced, and I didn't even care if she dated. I figured I would find out if she started dating and be able to make a decision before they got too serious or intimate with each other.

 

I turned out to be dead wrong on that one. So... I am inclined to say for your sake, stay in NC and continue living life without him wherever that goes. In my case I wished it didn't fall apart so fast but I knew I screwed up and had no one to blame but myself. Which I think is how your ex will feel if you move on. I don't doubt she resented me for that 2 months after we broke up because I was on my "dumper's high" while she was depressed.

 

I ask myself what if she would have came out guns blazing again after a month or two of silence? I get now why dumpees like us don't want to do that because the last thing we want to put ourselves through is being rejected anymore. I don't know, I'm really torn on that. Would it have gotten me over my state of confusion and indecisiveness? Maybe. Maybe if she would have spilled her guts out to me we would have gotten over it, or maybe I would have continued to be the passive aggressive person I was and used it against her. But I think the bottom line is that was a risk she shouldn't have had to take.

 

Sorry if I'm not helping you feel much better. It is a really tough situation, I can only imagine how frustrated you are with him. If I were you I would remain in NC because I would fear contact would reset the clock on a possible reconciliation. That's my personal theory - that contact turns the clock back. Every time I was reminded my ex was sad or wanted us to work out, it killed any sense of urgency and my selfish indecisiveness continued.

 

I appreciate the detailed response. I feel like there is a chance, but it is not my chance to take if that makes sense. I'm not the one who should put themselves out there. It's self preservation, and it makes sense. I flat out refuse to put myself in any position to pursue. I have made that pact with myself. I guess it's all a chance, but we have to always choose ourselves no matter what. If we are not even in a relationship with someone, we need to make decisions in OUR best interest.

[BC1980]

I also agree with you about staying in contact removing any sense of urgency. For the months of July and August, I never initiated any contact with my ex. I really did it more to see his he would react, and it surprised me. He really pursued me during thise months. Basically, I would wait hours to a day to answer any text. I never called or asked to meet him. He initiated 2 meetings, and he initiated us meeting up when we traveled. It was a trip that had been planned before the breakup, and my family was going as well. So the plane tickets has already been bought, and I saw no reason to waste my money and not enjoy my trip.

 

What I'm saying is that he did end up getting worried and opening up to me as a result of pulling away. It's just relationship dynamics. You must loose or fear losing something to realize its value. That goes for anything in life really. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had kept doing that, but NC felt like the right decision for me. I felt very strongly about that and still do.

 

Thanks everyone for following me and supporting me. It helps so much!

[Mariposa10]

I also agree with you about staying in contact removing any sense of urgency. For the months of July and August, I never initiated any contact with my ex. I really did it more to see his he would react, and it surprised me. He really pursued me during thise months. Basically, I would wait hours to a day to answer any text. I never called or asked to meet him. He initiated 2 meetings, and he initiated us meeting up when we traveled. It was a trip that had been planned before the breakup, and my family was going as well. So the plane tickets has already been bought, and I saw no reason to waste my money and not enjoy my trip.

 

What I'm saying is that he did end up getting worried and opening up to me as a result of pulling away. It's just relationship dynamics. You must loose or fear losing something to realize its value. That goes for anything in life really. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had kept doing that, but NC felt like the right decision for me. I felt very strongly about that and still do.

 

Thanks everyone for following me and supporting me. It helps so much!

 

During my relationship with my ex we broke at some point, it was more of a mutual breakup. We stayed friends for a year, during that year we didn't hang out or saw each other, but talked and texted all the time.

My ex ended up asking me for a second chance one day out of the blue, on the phone, and since I still loved him I said yes. So maybe if you had stayed low contact you would've gotten back together after a year, if you two hadn't dated anyone (just like my ex and me) But is it really worth it? Time apart is really really needed sometimes. Imagine a year hang around just to see if he changes his mind...

If I had stayed friends with my ex again, I'm sure we would've gotten back together. But what he changed his mind again? What if he still had developed some feelings for the other girl? What if I had to wait another year? This time, I knew I needed to get myself out of that horrible situation. This time I needed to be selfish.

 

Hang in there, you're doing the right thing!! Do not be afraid to let go. If it's real love, it'll work out in the future.

[BrightHope]

BC1980....I'm following your story closely, not only because you gave me such wonderful advice and encouragement, but because I think we had somewhat similar situations. And of course, I think we are both hoping that eventually it will all work out.

 

I have been a crazy person for the last few weeks. I have posted here, talked to friends, therapists, read countless books and blogs and wrote so much in my journal that it could be a book on it's own. I am desperate to figure out WHY and WHAT HAPPENED. I'll be honest, I'm really doing all of this to try and fix it. I feel like this is a giant puzzle to be figured out and if I just try hard enough, it will work out. Or like a game of chess with moves that will lead to other moves. Like you, I'm questionning my every move...or non move. I'm asking myself many of the same questions you are. And not only do I not have a clear answer for why this has happened or how to fix it, it wouldn't really change things if I did. I think Mariposa is right....if it is real love, it will work out. Not being in control or even having a little control is an awful feeling. But I believe this is out of our hands now. That's hard to accept.

 

I'm sorry that you are still hurting from this. I wish that I could give you the magic formula to make it all work out or at least make you feel better.

[Simon Phoenix]

If he is to come back, he has to do 99.9 percent of the heavy lifting. Until he does that, it's not worth considering. And I would proceed as if he's not going to do that. This guy seems wishy-washy as hell, so you can't give him any wiggle room whatsoever. You've handled it right the last two months -- don't fu*k up now.

[BC1980]

During my relationship with my ex we broke at some point, it was more of a mutual breakup. We stayed friends for a year, during that year we didn't hang out or saw each other, but talked and texted all the time.

My ex ended up asking me for a second chance one day out of the blue, on the phone, and since I still loved him I said yes. So maybe if you had stayed low contact you would've gotten back together after a year, if you two hadn't dated anyone (just like my ex and me) But is it really worth it? Time apart is really really needed sometimes. Imagine a year hang around just to see if he changes his mind...

If I had stayed friends with my ex again, I'm sure we would've gotten back together. But what he changed his mind again? What if he still had developed some feelings for the other girl? What if I had to wait another year? This time, I knew I needed to get myself out of that horrible situation. This time I needed to be selfish.

 

Hang in there, you're doing the right thing!! Do not be afraid to let go. If it's real love, it'll work out in the future.

 

I think you did the right thing this time. I understand second chances, but I think that's the limit. Once you start with third and fourth chances, it's just a hot mess. We all know those couples. Hell, a girl I went to high school and college with actually married a guy that she dated since she was 15. She is now 32. They broke up and got back together so many times that it was a running joke with our friends. I honestly couldn't tell you how many times they broke up and got back together because we lost count at some point.

 

The thing is that it's a toxic relationship anyway (or was at the time), so I wouldn't want to emulate them or anything. I would not be surprised if they are divorced one day. We all just kind of rolled our eyes when we got wedding invitations. I do know one couple who lived together something like 10 years, got married, divorced after a few years, then got back together after 8 years. But is that really healthy? I don't think those are success stories. Those are just 2 people who were and probably are still unhealthy together and choose not to move on. They keep coming back to a toxic situation because they can't find anything better.

[BC1980]

If he is to come back, he has to do 99.9 percent of the heavy lifting. Until he does that, it's not worth considering. And I would proceed as if he's not going to do that. This guy seems wishy-washy as hell, so you can't give him any wiggle room whatsoever. You've handled it right the last two months -- don't fu*k up now.

 

He is wish-washy as hell on a daily basis, which was a red flag I chose to ignore. He told me that for months he would be really sure he wanted to marry me. Then, he would get doubts. But yeah, thanks for reaffirming that he needs to do all the work. I would never put myself in such a low position again where I had to pursue him.

[Mariposa10]

I think you did the right thing this time. I understand second chances, but I think that's the limit. Once you start with third and fourth chances, it's just a hot mess. We all know those couples. Hell, a girl I went to high school and college with actually married a guy that she dated since she was 15. She is now 32. They broke up and got back together so many times that it was a running joke with our friends. I honestly couldn't tell you how many times they broke up and got back together because we lost count at some point.

 

The thing is that it's a toxic relationship anyway (or was at the time), so I wouldn't want to emulate them or anything. I would not be surprised if they are divorced one day. We all just kind of rolled our eyes when we got wedding invitations. I do know one couple who lived together something like 10 years, got married, divorced after a few years, then got back together after 8 years. But is that really healthy? I don't think those are success stories. Those are just 2 people who were and probably are still unhealthy together and choose not to move on. They keep coming back to a toxic situation because they can't find anything better.

 

Yeah, I guess it depends on how you see it. I do like your second story though. The thing with my ex and me is that we never stopped talking to each other. Things got a little bit better the second time because I finally learned how to communicate better. But how were we supposed to grow and really see what went wrong if we always kept talking all the time. Maybe we were even becoming codependent to each other. During that year, we treated each other as friends something I still don't know how it worked. It was such a weird year now that I look back.

 

I might start feeling the way you're feeling right now in a couple of months, but right now all I know is that I have to worry about my well-being. I have to be selfish. My best revenge will be to move on. I don't want to think whether I will contact him in 6 months or 1 year. I shouldn't be wasting my time on that.

 

I don't know if it's because I have only been NC for three weeks, but I think I've finally understood this is the only thing we can do. I still find it hard to focus on certain things. I still think of my ex, but there's nothing else we can do, but to move forward and let go. We had planned to go to a concert in November, I have the tickets. It's still hard to think how we won't go together, but either way I will enjoy it as much as I can.

 

The good thing is that we have this forum where we can vent and support one another!! Sometimes I wish I had found this forum long time ago, I wouldn't have made so many mistakes... But that's in the past now.

[lylat333]

I feel like there is a chance, but it is not my chance to take if that makes sense. I'm not the one who should put themselves out there. It's self preservation, and it makes sense. I flat out refuse to put myself in any position to pursue. I have made that pact with myself. I guess it's all a chance, but we have to always choose ourselves no matter what. If we are not even in a relationship with someone, we need to make decisions in OUR best interest.

 

100% agree with you on this. It's precisely why I refuse to ever reach out to my ex again. I put my heart out on a silver platter at the end, said I was willing to do whatever it took to see us work because I believed we should be a couple. She knows I would have done anything for her. I wrote her a letter that ended with an open invitation to go out for ice cream or frozen yogurt sometime after work... she ignored it (as many of you all know)... and now I'm done! I don't care anymore to entertain a "what if" that may occur as a result of me breaking NC - it's a risk I see no reason I should have to make. Yes, there comes a time we have to be "selfish". The situation is not worth putting my last shreds of dignity at risk. Sure, maybe there is a slim chance she wishes we could be on better terms or possibly even reconcile some day... but if she can't bring herself to try and break through the wall I put up, too bad so sad.

 

I'm glad you still feel NC is the right decision. You can have peace of mind knowing you've done and are doing your part.

 

You said you're coming up on 2 months NC. For you it's probably felt like a very long time, almost assuredly less for him. My memory is a bit fuzzy from 2 years ago but I believe I started to miss my other ex after just over 2 months post-BU. Well, I hadn't truly "missed" her yet... but I started to think of her a little more and might have dreamed about her. I'm not trying to give you false hope, I think we "NC warriors" need to allow ourselves time for the truth to reveal itself, which is probably going to take longer than we wanted it to.

 

I think you've done well, BC9180. Your posts always seem very level-headed and mature so you should take pride in how you're handling things.

[BC1980]

BC1980....I'm following your story closely, not only because you gave me such wonderful advice and encouragement, but because I think we had somewhat similar situations. And of course, I think we are both hoping that eventually it will all work out.

 

I have been a crazy person for the last few weeks. I have posted here, talked to friends, therapists, read countless books and blogs and wrote so much in my journal that it could be a book on it's own. I am desperate to figure out WHY and WHAT HAPPENED. I'll be honest, I'm really doing all of this to try and fix it. I feel like this is a giant puzzle to be figured out and if I just try hard enough, it will work out. Or like a game of chess with moves that will lead to other moves. Like you, I'm questionning my every move...or non move. I'm asking myself many of the same questions you are. And not only do I not have a clear answer for why this has happened or how to fix it, it wouldn't really change things if I did. I think Mariposa is right....if it is real love, it will work out. Not being in control or even having a little control is an awful feeling. But I believe this is out of our hands now. That's hard to accept.

 

I'm sorry that you are still hurting from this. I wish that I could give you the magic formula to make it all work out or at least make you feel better.

 

I am glad I have been able to give you hope. I would advise you, from experience, not to continue to analyze a relationship that is dead. You feel that if you can just keep trying to figure it out, you are doing something active about it. So that must be good right? Wrong. I agree that you need to be doing something active, but your time is better spent creating a new life for yourself. If the ex comes around and wants to be a part of that life, maybe you will consider it. Maybe not.

 

I know it's hard. Once you stop analyzing, you really have to face the music that the relationship is dead. The truth is that it has been dead and was probably dead for some time before you officially broke up anyway. I'm a nurse, and CPR rarely works even when performed very effectively. Even in the most ideal conditions, CPR will not cure the underlying cause of an illness. It will, at best, put off an inevitable death in most cases. It will buy you just enough time for some drastic, last minute, life saving attempt that often does not work. So. . . . take a lesson from that. Bury the old relationship. You cannot even attempt to have a new relationship with someone (your ex or whomever else) until you bury the old.

 

Unfortunately, this past week, I went into some state where I decided to be nostalgic and get hung up on sh*t that has been officially dead for 6 months, and actually has been dead for probably 9-10 months when I look back on it. I decided it would be fruitful to examine this for the 200th time. Obviously, that didn't work out so well for me, and I spent a large portion of yesterday crying to my sister until she finally had to get real with me and told me to stop this sh*t. It's a bump in the road, and I'm back on track now thanks to all my friends on LS for knocking some sense into me.

[BrightHope]

I am glad I have been able to give you hope. I would advise you, from experience, not to continue to analyze a relationship that is dead. You feel that if you can just keep trying to figure it out, you are doing something active about it. So that must be good right? Wrong. I agree that you need to be doing something active, but your time is better spent creating a new life for yourself. If the ex comes around and wants to be a part of that life, maybe you will consider it. Maybe not.

 

I know it's hard. Once you stop analyzing, you really have to face the music that the relationship is dead. The truth is that it has been dead and was probably dead for some time before you officially broke up anyway. I'm a nurse, and CPR rarely works even when performed very effectively. Even in the most ideal conditions, CPR will not cure the underlying cause of an illness. It will, at best, put off an inevitable death in most cases. It will buy you just enough time for some drastic, last minute, life saving attempt that often does not work. So. . . . take a lesson from that. Bury the old relationship. You cannot even attempt to have a new relationship with someone (your ex or whomever else) until you bury the old.

 

Unfortunately, this past week, I went into some state where I decided to be nostalgic and get hung up on sh*t that has been officially dead for 6 months, and actually has been dead for probably 9-10 months when I look back on it. I decided it would be fruitful to examine this for the 200th time. Obviously, that didn't work out so well for me, and I spent a large portion of yesterday crying to my sister until she finally had to get real with me and told me to stop this sh*t. It's a bump in the road, and I'm back on track now thanks to all my friends on LS for knocking some sense into me.

 

As always, wonderful and honest advice from you! See....you do know the answers Have you dated anyone since the BU?

[Minneloa]

I'm sorry you are hurting, OP. You seem very level-headed in your approach, and I think the advice/feedback you've received on this thread is sound. Just wanted to chime in with a bit of moral support. I think you are handling a messy and painful situation with grace, dignity, and self-respect.

 

M.

[thora-tiki]

@ BC1980

You wrote:

I feel like I have one foot in the past, one in the present desperately trying to move forward.

It's so difficult because I know that if I do tell him I am moving on,

I have to accept that I will never see him again.

I am wrestling so hard with that. What if I did give it a few more months, and there was hope.

What if I end up wasting those months when I could have been moving forward?

Like I have said before:

When I used to feel like this, I would tell myself (every day, actually):

You are feeling this way because you are evolving.

That is what feels so strange (or other adjective).

 

Why do you feel the need to tell him you are moving/moved on?

 

If you don't make yourself available - by being in no contact - he will start thinking you have moved on -

so no need to say it - and then he will decide how he feels about his present situation.

 

I am sorry you were having such a bad day yesterday,

this week has been hard on you, I know.

 

But you seem stronger by each post.

 

Mariposa10 wrote:

«NC is all about us, to focus on us, not on our exes.

We must be selfish when it comes to NC.

 

I think you're going through the last stage maybe that's why

you're having such a hard time right now.»

 

I agree, with my buddy:

You have to accept the break up. Let go. Move on.

 

Just don't look too far ahead - it will only hold you back.

 

You worry too much about what he thinks, does,

has he dated since you broke up?, will I see him again, etc. -

who fu*king cares what he thinks, or does with his lame time?!

 

He clearly still has feelings for you:

Exhibit A: keeping the ring.

Exhibit B: Birthday cards to your parents -

no contact will show his real colours and intensions.

 

You are not doing anything wrong, or pushing him away

and you are not here to change anyone's mind,

the only thing you are here to change is your situation:

from sad to happy.

 

If your ex truly loves you, you will be able to get back together,

but you must get yourself back first.

 

Dwelling. Wondering. Asking yourself, and us, what is he thinking?

Why did this happen? Etc.

These are the most destructive thoughts.

 

You can manifest all sorts of scenarios from them and, you will.

The truth is that only he knows the answers.

 

Even if he had 7 brothers and 7 sisters living with him and you asked them all,

they still wouldn't know what is really going on in his head.

 

I spent the better part of no contact dwelling, wondering, etc.,

and the day I figured out that it didn't matter, was the day I was free.

Free of the pain.

 

Take it from me: the past doesn't matter.

 

You are here to repair your self esteem (or whatever you need to work on).

To help yourself.

Forget why this, or why that.

- Why is he holding onto the ring?

- Why did he send your parents a birthday card?

- Why hasn't he closed the door completely on you?

- Wha wha wha.

Here are some other questions:

- What if the real truth hasn't manifested itself yet?

- What if your ex only just started evolving (yesterday) and doesn't know what is in his heart yet?

 

You are worrying about something that isn't going to happen for a long time.

- What's the point?

 

The Mayan's thought that last year was the last year for our planet,

that the world would end in December 2012.

 

- Why didn't that happen?

- Why?

- Why?

Worry about that for a while.

Bahaha!

There is a BIG difference between «going through the motions»,

like you are doing now, or did up until yesterday,

sorry if I sound harsh, and actually personally evolving.

 

Don't get alarmed, it took me months before I got/saw the difference.

So you are in good company.

 

About his shi… stuff:

Don't use dropping off his stuff as a way to reconnect or get in touch

or give him the chance to get in touch with you.

 

Let me guess, the-oh-so-important-stuff he has at your place,

that makes you cry (when you see his deodorant) and difficult to let go of the past,

that he must get back is:

a T-shirt, some books, some dvd's, half bottle of rogaine (muhaha) and an empty bottle of deodorant.

 

Throw it out, so you don't cry every time you see his stuff.

 

If you get back together, he won't even ask about his stuff.

If you never get back together, he won't ask about his stuff.

 

Fu*k! It is just stuff!

 

You are doing great, buddy.

 

You are a great support to me and everyone on here.

Try thinking like this:

«Anything that happens from today and for the rest of no contact

will work in my favour - every time.»

[BC1980]

Thank you so much for your posts. They are a breath of fresh air and are such a help to me. I realize I must always bring the focus back to me.

 

Mariposa is right. I've been going through the last part of acceptance that it is over. Sucks:-(

[lylat333]

Wow, thora-tiki, I'm pretty sure we owe you something for all your help and support. I needed that post.

 

I think I had such a hard time last week because I was going through the last stage, too. That dirty word that I hated and can hardly bear to type, "acceptance". I've been fighting, kicking and screaming in my head all along because I didn't want to accept. But there comes a time when you have no choice. The relationship I had with my ex is dead. The odds of reconciliation are pretty much nil, but even if we were ever in contact again, things will never be the same, I know there is no picking up where we left off.

 

Even if he had 7 brothers and 7 sisters living with him and you asked them all,

they still wouldn't know what is really going on in his head.

 

This part really spoke to me. I definitely believe there is truth to it. No one can know the inner thoughts of another, especially a dumper, but the person themselves. I know when I was the dumper I only bothered to give friends and family the tip of the iceberg. Only I knew how I felt deep down.

 

Try thinking like this:[/b]

«Anything that happens from today and for the rest of no contact

will work in my favour - every time.»

 

This also really spoke to me. We are doing nothing wrong by being in NC. It is the best choice, the only choice, to retain our dignity. We stop allowing our ex to have a peephole into our heart. They're left to wonder and sort out their own issues, we heal.

[BC1980]

I think what I have realized this past week is that I am in charge of my healing and moving forward. The ex having the engagement ring and saying he is unsure has no bearing on my ability to move forward. If I choose to take those little crumbs of hope, my inability to move forward is at my hand. Why do we hold ourselves in such low regard that we are on our knees hoping to catch any crumbs that the ex throws our way.

 

That is essentially the mindset that I adopted this past week. I wanted to hold onto any and everything for hope, but the reality is that I was allowing myself to be stuck in a mental cycle with a person who I am not even in a relationship with. Why he is that special? He's not. Yes, I love him, but I must always, always choose myself no matter what. That's what got me into this mess-- not choosing myself. Constantly giving and giving without setting any boundaries. At the time, I thought that was love, but it isn't. It's seeking approval from someone else.

 

Anyway. . . . I am reaffirming my choice everyday to move forward. I am creating my new life. If the ex comes around one day and wants to be a part of it, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

[BC1980]

I think I had such a hard time last week because I was going through the last stage, too. That dirty word that I hated and can hardly bear to type, "acceptance". I've been fighting, kicking and screaming in my head all along because I didn't want to accept. But there comes a time when you have no choice. The relationship I had with my ex is dead.

 

I've heard a lot of people say that your mind doesn't allow you to get hit with the emotions all at once. It might be too much to bear. Sometimes, I get angry at my ex because I think that I don't deserve to go through this grief. The reality is that people are thrown sh*tty stuff everyday that they don't deserve. It's called life. I refuse to walk around angry at the world.

 

I work with a woman who went through a divorce 8 years ago, and she still walks around with a permanent scowl on her face and is basically a b*tch to everyone. Who wants to be like her? It's not worth it.

 

Lyatt, I also read a book called "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue that goes through the need for NC and the stages of grief with NC. It was very inspiring. I think you might benefit from it. I am also reading a book called "Mars and Venus Starting Over" that was recommended on this forum. It has been helpful and looks at the healing process from the views of both genders.

[BC1980]

So I'm feeling a lot of anger lately. I just walk around angry everyday it seems. It makes me even more mad because I'm always the happy, funny person at work. I'm not supposed to be like this. I know it's a part of grief, but how do you deal with it?

 

I'm also feeling bad, wondering if I wil ever love again. Those feelings make me nostalgic and want to revisit the old relationship because it's familiar. Don't worry. I've stayed NC. Maybe I'm feeling blue due to the holidays, and I'm taking my first trip without the ex. I'm excited about the trip, but it's bittersweet. We loved to travel when we could, and he wor be there this time.

 

It upsets me that I even allow him to feel this angry.