Initiated NC.

[la74219]

BC1980 - How are you? Haven't heard any updates. Doing okay?

[BC1980]

I'm doing much better. Thanks for asking. I've finally washed my hands of this relationship, and I'm completely moving forward. It took me breaking NC to do so. I now see that my ex hasn't changed one bit, and I want no part of it.

 

I do feel this entire shift of feelings, and I'm grateful for that. The hope is gone, and it's been peaceful. I feel that I deserve better, and I believe in finding love again.

[la74219]

I'm doing much better. Thanks for asking. I've finally washed my hands of this relationship, and I'm completely moving forward. It took me breaking NC to do so. I now see that my ex hasn't changed one bit, and I want no part of it.

 

I do feel this entire shift of feelings, and I'm grateful for that. The hope is gone, and it's been peaceful. I feel that I deserve better, and I believe in finding love again.

 

Great! I'm only on day 2 of NC. It still bothers me a lot, but I think I've kind of hit a milestone like you for some reason. Nothing I can do will change anything, so at this point I'm just like whatever. I give up, and whatever happens will just happen. If she wants to reach out to me..she knows how.

[BC1980]

So the ex sent me a birthday card in the mail today. I opened it, read it, and threw is away. It didn't say much of consequence. Just a generic message. Something along the lines of hoping I have a healthy and happy next year. There was a very nice picture on the front that he took.

 

I felt kinda bad and ungrateful for throwing it away because of the picture. He is a decent photographer. Heck, I feel bad that I threw the damn thing away, but I just do not want this person in my life in any way, shape, or form. I don't hate him, but I can't be his friend.

 

On a positive note, I've almost totally moved on from this relationship. I hesitate to say completely, but there has been a big shift in my feelings. I know I deserve better, and I no longer harbor hope of us getting back together. I've felt a tangible exhale in the past two weeks. It just feels like, finally, this is coming to a close. I have found acceptance, and I am on a different path than him. It's my own path, and I feel good about it.

 

What does everyone think? Was it petty to throw the card away?

[organizedchaos]

So the ex sent me a birthday card in the mail today. I opened it, read it, and threw is away. It didn't say much of consequence. Just a generic message. Something along the lines of hoping I have a healthy and happy next year. There was a very nice picture on the front that he took.

 

I felt kinda bad and ungrateful for throwing it away because of the picture. He is a decent photographer. Heck, I feel bad that I threw the damn thing away, but I just do not want this person in my life in any way, shape, or form. I don't hate him, but I can't be his friend.

 

On a positive note, I've almost totally moved on from this relationship. I hesitate to say completely, but there has been a big shift in my feelings. I know I deserve better, and I no longer harbor hope of us getting back together. I've felt a tangible exhale in the past two weeks. It just feels like, finally, this is coming to a close. I have found acceptance, and I am on a different path than him. It's my own path, and I feel good about it.

 

What does everyone think? Was it petty to throw the card away?

 

Not at all. Good for you for not letting this get you down.

[Mariposa10]

I'm glad you threw it away. I hate that he's still sending you things. If you hadn't thrown it away in a weak moment you could've start fantasizing things in your mind... so it's better to get rid of those things...

 

I'm happy to hear you're doing better! I hope that next year you, our other buddies (the ones that have almost the same timeline as us) here and I will be ready to start moving on.

[BC1980]

I keep reminding myself his motive for sending the card, and it's all selfish. He just wants to look good and feel like less of an a**hole for what he did. I'm sure there is some part of him that wants to be nice, but I don't need that from him. I've got real friends and family who will spend my birthday with me.

 

He's just keeping the door ajar, so he can slide back in if he wants to. He will get a rude awakening if he tries that, let me tell you.

[BC1980]

So I have been dealing with feelings of general dislike towards my ex. What do I do with these feelings? I don't hate him, but I don't like him. I tried for a long time to ignore these feelings because I thought I would be a "bad person" if I felt this way. I'm finally allowing myself to feel these feelings, but I have a difficult time reconciling them with the good times we had. We had some genuinely good times where he was a wonderfully nice person and treated me very well.

 

I feel that if I saw him, I would generally be disgusted and want to run the other way. At the same time, it would make me nostalgic and miss the relationship. Is anyone dealing with these conflicting emotions? It's a battle in my head everyday.

[xUnknown]

So I have been dealing with feelings of general dislike towards my ex. What do I do with these feelings? I don't hate him, but I don't like him. I tried for a long time to ignore these feelings because I thought I would be a "bad person" if I felt this way. I'm finally allowing myself to feel these feelings, but I have a difficult time reconciling them with the good times we had. We had some genuinely good times where he was a wonderfully nice person and treated me very well.

 

I feel that if I saw him, I would generally be disgusted and want to run the other way. At the same time, it would make me nostalgic and miss the relationship. Is anyone dealing with these conflicting emotions? It's a battle in my head everyday.

 

YES. I am too. My ex came back last friday night unexpected. Drove 3.5 hours and said she wanted me back, it was on her, the whole 9 yards. When we were talking I felt these exact feelings. I didn't want to be close to her, I didn't want to look her in the eyes (and when I did it was like a stern/concerned look-like why now? If that makes any sense).

 

So yes, I have been. I keep going back and forth because I do love my ex, but she did a lot of **** that didn't make me happy. I don't want to trust her again, yet I do, because the loving caring side of me does.

 

Every day I go back and forth between wanting to give her another chance or not. My head does the same thing...usually black/white, but there have been days were I'll get stuck on the "gray" for a 12 or so hours.

 

But when we broke up and I started NC (were broken up for 3 months, only 1 text her in that time), I too went through those mixed feelings. I think they're normal. This person meant a lot to you, yet, they hurt you. You want to remember the good and forget the bad, then sometimes, remember the bad and forget the good.

 

You're not alone...its all part of the healing.

 

As for me, I'm still contemplating my decision. I need to get over the breakup or else it would only cause problems if a "new" relationship were to develop.

[BC1980]

I too went through those mixed feelings. I think they're normal. This person meant a lot to you, yet, they hurt you. You want to remember the good and forget the bad, then sometimes, remember the bad and forget the good.

 

Mostly, I wish I would remember the negative, but I don't know if that's fair either. He isn't some horrendously awful person. He's emotionally messed up for sure, and he has a very difficult time connecting with people. Maybe the best thing to do is simply divert these thoughts to improving myself. This person isn't a part of my life anymore, so why give him the head space?

 

Maybe I'm using this internal battle about him as a reason to stay stuck in the past. I'm honestly overwhelmed at thoughts of the future. It seems so scary to be alone now. It's lonely at times, and I have only myself to rely on financially. Maybe those are the real issues I am struggling with.

[Babolat]

Mostly, I wish I would remember the negative, but I don't know if that's fair either. He isn't some horrendously awful person. He's emotionally messed up for sure, and he has a very difficult time connecting with people. Maybe the best thing to do is simply divert these thoughts to improving myself. This person isn't a part of my life anymore, so why give him the head space?

 

Maybe I'm using this internal battle about him as a reason to stay stuck in the past. I'm honestly overwhelmed at thoughts of the future. It seems so scary to be alone now. It's lonely at times, and I have only myself to rely on financially. Maybe those are the real issues I am struggling with.

 

I think you did the right thing with the birthday card. He is still "tugging" at you. I understand, my ex gf did it all spring and summer after I broke it off. I was weak though, and accepted her advances, her contacts, her wanting to talk, then have sex.

 

You know my story, I have shared it with you.

 

I don't hear anything here that says your ex has worked on himself. I DO hear, you have, and good for you. During full NC I thought about anything related to her as bad energy, and, I could not give her energy, only myslef. That helped. Plus I intentiaonally stayed very busy. Then, though, I got comfortable with being alone, staying home on a Friday night, then a Satrurday night, then an entire weekend. I realized I did not need her to feel happy.

 

I got lucky too; I made an amazing female friend, who, was going thru a similar process as me. She was a big support to me and was much farther along then me. She was taking an intentional break from dating. It got to the point where we saw each other almost every weekend. She is dating again now, we don't see as much as each other, which stinks, but, it is what it is. We still text a few times a week to "check in" on the other.

 

I also had my first FWB, though, I cared about this girl and could see us dating, so for me it was not just sex. She is 29, I am 47. We hung out for a bit, then she said she wanted to have sex with me, but not date. I was shocked, and literally had to think about it. Once I did though, and the first time emotionally was a mess for me, I felt sooo much better. I was able to let go of the "physical" attachment to my amazing beautiful ex. Physically I had put the ex on a pedestal no woman could ever be put on again; so the timing of her coming into my life was strangely perfect.

 

I truly believe people come into your life, when they do, for a reason. My now female best friend, my FWB (we still talk and have hung out a few times, no more sex though). I never would have met either if I was with my ex. Both are amazing woman, different, but amazing.

 

OK, not sure any of this helps, but, hang in there, you are doing very well!

[BC1980]

I'm pretty much putting no energy into even thinking about him at all. Sad as it is, he has no relavance to my life anymore, and it does me no good to worry with him. He really wanted a friendship and sorta guilted me into it. I think he wanted it to end on a "good note" from his perspective. He knows what he did was sh$tty, even his family thinks so. It's his own selfishness that wants forgiveness and a friendship.

 

Anyway, how did your talk go last night with your ex?

[lovebirds]

Thanks for this thread, it helped to distract me. I had an email lined up to send to my ex but I did not. Sending you lots of strength.

[thora-tiki]

@BC1980

 

You are doing great, buddy!

 

You are going about this the right way:

Focusing on you.

 

Remember:

You got your life back, moved on and are now in full life mode without his support.

 

Just keep working on yourself, evolvingand keep being happy.

I hope you discover things that you missed before.

 

That's one thing that makes the no contact process fun.

 

I love following your evolution on this forum.

You have come so far, BC1980.

 

He'll know you are moved on.

Exes have a sixth sense when it comes to stuff like that.

 

Like they have the BBC or NBC or something like that in their mind.

Bahaha!

 

This is usually the time they come crawling back.

 

You wrote:

I'm pretty much putting no energy into even thinking about him at all.

 

Yay! Good for you!

 

We are no contact warriors!

 

No contact is the time to listen to your gut.

 

Much lalalove!

[BC1980]

Thanks everyone. I have my rough moments, but I'm pushing through them. Overall, it's much better.

[BC1980]

I thought I would update this thread if anyone is interested. I read thd beginning, and I am in such a different place. I'm at 5 months NC!!! This past month, I have seen much improvement in my thoughts. I'm more positive about the future, and I rarely talk about my ex. I think I'm still grieving on some level because I waited too long to go NC. I've been volunteering at a food bank and a free clinic, so a lot of things have been put into perspective for me. I'm saving money to buy a house in the next year. I've reconnected with an old friend and made some new friends through my volunteering. I can't recommend volunteering enough to anyone out there. It's very fulfilling.

 

I feel like my life perspective has changed dramatically since my breakup. I know what it feels like to be on top of the world and feel like you have it all. Before my breakup, I used to think how lucky I was. I was over joyed just to get up in the morning. To have all of that taken away in a few moments rocked my world. I'll never be the same, but I'm trying to make that a positive thing. I've learned that nothing is certain, and I need to make the most of the here and now.

 

I have no intentions of contacting my ex. I feel like he will try to contact me at some point. I think he will want closure or want to leave on what he perceives to be a good note. I won't respond. I'm still trying to build up my self esteem, which has been difficult. I'm still realizing that I deserve someone who loves me for exactly who I am. It's been very difficult, but I am making it through. For anyone just starting the journey, you can move on. It takes a lot of work, but it can be done.

[BC1980]

I'm mainly posting this update for support. I thought my ex would be coming back to work next week, but I found out it won't be for another 3 months.

 

When I got home from work Thursday, there was a package at my door from my ex. I opened it up, and it contained 3 books and a pair of flip flops that were mine. There was a note from my ex saying that he had found these items lying around his house, and he hoped me and my family were doing well. He added that he will be returning to where I work in about 3 months.

 

I'm so shaken from all of this happening in the span of a few weeks. I'm 6 months NC, and I was just beginning to feel like I could live again. My life seemed on track, and I was feeling better than I had since the breakup. Now, I have this sick feeling in my stomach. I've actually starting reminiscing about our good times and missing him very much. I just feel so angry at him, and I feel emotionally tethered to this person. Like I can't get away.

 

I'm trying to talk myself down, but the package arriving and knowing he is coming back to work in 3 months has thrown me for a loop. I know I'm on the right track with my healing, and I didn't respond to the package. I feel so weak, but this bump in the road sucks. I don't want it to derail all of my efforts to move on.

[elseaacych]

BC:

 

Getting contact for the first time in such a long time can totally be a road bump. But, take solace in the fact that the Earth has not tilted off it's axis. You are in a much better place than you were several months ago. Go back and read through your entire thread. You will see how much you've grown since then. Remind yourself of how good you are, and that you deserve so much better treatment than what he could EVER offer you.

 

What people don't tell you about break ups is that you have to knock your ex off his pedestal, not just once, but repeatedly. Going through a break up is kind of like choosing to love. Some days, it's very hard, and you have to remind yourself of why you are doing what you are doing by staying in No Contact. By choosing not to engage, you remain true to yourself and your convictions. You choose to love you. You choose to do right by you.

 

So he sent you some of your stuff and a nice note. It's like hearing from an old friend that occasionally remembers you exist from time to time. But that's the best he can ever do for you, ever. (Short of trying to move mountains and reconcile. But let's be real here.) It's okay to remember the good times, but you have to realize he's not going to be a source of good times for you anymore, and it is okay to knock him off his pedestal, again, and let go and move on. Don't let him keep you from living your best life.

[BC1980]

BC:

 

Getting contact for the first time in such a long time can totally be a road bump. But, take solace in the fact that the Earth has not tilted off it's axis. You are in a much better place than you were several months ago. Go back and read through your entire thread. You will see how much you've grown since then. Remind yourself of how good you are, and that you deserve so much better treatment than what he could EVER offer you.

 

What people don't tell you about break ups is that you have to knock your ex off his pedestal, not just once, but repeatedly. Going through a break up is kind of like choosing to love. Some days, it's very hard, and you have to remind yourself of why you are doing what you are doing by staying in No Contact. By choosing not to engage, you remain true to yourself and your convictions. You choose to love you. You choose to do right by you.

 

So he sent you some of your stuff and a nice note. It's like hearing from an old friend that occasionally remembers you exist from time to time. But that's the best he can ever do for you, ever. (Short of trying to move mountains and reconcile. But let's be real here.) It's okay to remember the good times, but you have to realize he's not going to be a source of good times for you anymore, and it is okay to knock him off his pedestal, again, and let go and move on. Don't let him keep you from living your best life.

 

Thanks so much for the support. It's like I've gone to such lengths to keep NC that I have become angry with him for intruding on that. It's mainly him coming back to work in 3 months. I guess, if anything, I've learned that I can only control myself through all of this. I can't control where he decides to work.

 

I have come a long way from the beginning of this thread. I was still holding onto that hope of reconciling even if I didn't want to completely admit it.

[Zapbasket]

Just want to add a voice of support. I'm glad this contact was legit in that it consisted of items of yours that you left behind. Nevertheless, I'd be wary of him keeping you on a string. It sounds like he likes to do that; he has done it in the past; and you may need to put an end to ANY future contact from him so that he knows he can't just pop in, even in a small way. If I have a bead on your ex, he seems like the classic commitmentphobe who has convinced himself the possibility of a relationship with you exists in some nebulous realm, just not NOW. It's a way of not having to make any decisions.

[erklat]

I haven't followed your story from the beginning. Basically you're broken up for a year?

[me85]

WOW.

 

You and I share the SAME EXACT story.

 

I too, very recently, told my ex I needed to fully move on with my life & asked that he please not respond.

 

He did, however, a few days later.

 

Sent really sweet sad-ish love songs (songs about getting back together) and texted me that my email hurt him.

 

I know I shouldn't have responded at all but I did.

 

It's hard for me to ignore anybody, no matter what. Especially him.

 

All I said back was "Wasn't trying to hurt you" he said he knew then I replied back, "It wasn't easy for me, you know" he said he knew & that was that.

 

I KNOW I will hear from him again. Just not sure I want to anymore.

[BC1980]

I haven't followed your story from the beginning. Basically you're broken up for a year?

 

Yup. Dumped in April 2013. NC since Dec 2013.

[BC1980]

WOW.

 

You and I share the SAME EXACT story.

 

I too, very recently, told my ex I needed to fully move on with my life & asked that he please not respond.

 

He did, however, a few days later.

 

Sent really sweet sad-ish love songs (songs about getting back together) and texted me that my email hurt him.

 

I know I shouldn't have responded at all but I did.

 

It's hard for me to ignore anybody, no matter what. Especially him.

 

All I said back was "Wasn't trying to hurt you" he said he knew then I replied back, "It wasn't easy for me, you know" he said he knew & that was that.

 

I KNOW I will hear from him again. Just not sure I want to anymore.

 

Between April 2013 and Dec 2013, I was still in contact with my ex. Same kind of stuff I've seen you mention. Just a lot of false hope, mixed messages, and back and forth. I think he sent this package because he honestly can't believe I haven't contacted him in 6 months. It's just a clumsy way of keeping his foot in the door. Once I made my mind up to do NC, there was just no way I'd break it. I can't go back there.

[kindofsad]

I am a year since break up, and have been nc since Nov. Last month I found out that my ex was engaged to be married in Aug, the next day she text me about closing our joint bank account. I had been doing really well up to that point but it really knocked me down. I can imagine getting the package really brought all the feelings back, I spent a few days down in the dumps but bounced back much quicker. I received a text again this week about the bank thing again and it still shakes me up a little, I just have to remember that part of me is still grieving (regardless of the time!) and just to be kind to yourself.

It really sucks that your ex is returning to work - 3 months that is about the time my ex will be getting wed, I am just hoping that in 3 months I will be in a much stronger place to deal with it as each week/month I do get stronger.

Good luck