Everyone says Dont break NC,But what if..

[BePatient]

So I've been on NC for a while

I've got several texts from my ex,the last message was begging me not to ignore and we should talk.

Ignored.

 

About two weeks ago I accidentally picked up the call as it was blocked number. I guess he knew I wouldn't pick up if it says his number. I thought it would be rude to hang up so I kept it short and polite.

 

People say you should never break NC unless they come crawling back.

But what if it's just not something he would do ?

I know this sounds like bull**** but ,

Before this recent ex,I had always been the dumper,from my past experiences. Id never show my weakness even if I thought there was a chance to reconcile. So come crawling back isn't a option.

I'd ask if they want to talk and that's the most I would do.

Everyone has differences personalities. No?

He's much older than me by the way.

 

And more,the reason we broke up wasn't because someone was cheating or we don't love each other anymore.

Mainly because I had personal issues and he had been waiting,but I hadn't changed.

So at that point he just couldn't bear it any more.

In short. I took him for granted.

 

So what if he really just wants to talk and see how am I and if I start dealing with my personal issues?

I don't think one would come crawling back before they know same thing won't happen again,even if they're still in love.

 

This sounds vague I hope you guys can capture what I'm talking about

Should I just give it a go and talk everything out ?

To let him know that I'm already dealing my issues and it's going well?

 

Lolita.

[Fufu]

The reason NC is highly-recommended after a break up is because...

 

*Dumpees are still highly emotionally-attached to their dumpers and can't accept the hard truth of breaking up and so they still want to keep in contact with their partners keeping the faith that with constant contact (like in the past when both parties were still together), the dumpers may relived the happy moments and get back with them. (The cold truth: It never work this way.)

 

And many times NC is mistaken as a method to lure/get/attract their exes back but the truth is not at all.

 

NC only main purpose is to help the Dumpee (or whichever party that is hurting in the relationship) to get back in the healthy mental state that we do not simply depend our well-being on another person. In simple statement, happiness should derive from within and not from someone else (self-healing)

 

And of course there are cases where people think that NC ruins their chances with their exes because they can't get back with their exes due to lack of communication, however the truth is if the Dumpers do want to talk for real, they wouldn't break up for real in the first place. And to my advice to this thought: "So you now you want to break NC and re-contact your ex? What are you gonna say? What are you gonna do if he/she doesn't reply? Are you able to handle the pain again if he/she refuse to get back with you? Or even if both of you get back together but after awhile breaks up with you again, are you able to handle the double blow?"

 

 

To answer this directly:

Id never show my weakness even if I thought there was a chance to reconcile. So come crawling back isn't a option.

I'd ask if they want to talk and that's the most I would do.

 

Like you have mentioned, you just "thought" there was a chance. It's not something that you really want/need it badly.

[BePatient]

hey thanks reply

 

I do think I am doing well and mentally healthy

I went NC for myself

If someone wants to walk out of my life,

There's a door,

I will even hold it for them.

Of course I still love him and I will for a while.

But I respect people's decision

 

When I say "even if I thought there was a chance to get back together,The most I would do is asking if they want to talk it through."

(Note that I broke up with them not because I didn't love them,It was because they have their own issues and I couldn't help it,It was equally painful for me.)

How would I know if they have evolved if we don't communicate?How would I want to get back to them badly before I know the same issue won't happen again?

 

So it's the same as my recent ex but the another way around,My question is if he doesn't know Ive changed and the old problems of our relationship won't happen again.Of course he doesn't want to get back together.

How do I let him know if I stay NC

[jerryh]

this is exactly how i feel regarding my ex, with her begging for contact and me ignoring, been thinking about this for weeks now!

[BePatient]

If we are gonna talk I guess I would say I can see the problem we had in our relationship clearly now

I respect his decision and understand the reason

I know what causes those problems ,The things I've been doing (I work on faults only for myself and myself alone) and how to solve the problem.

 

I will make it clear that the changes Ive made are only for myself

 

there won't be begging and pleading of course

I want him to talk about his problems too

I just hope we can talk on a same level

No one is having more power than the other

NC can definitely stop you from giving more power to your ex

They don't have chance to fXCK you over again

[Never Again]

the truth is if the Dumpers do want to talk for real, they wouldn't break up for real in the first place.

 

This is the only part of your post that I'll respectfully disagree with. It's a pretty bold assumption to make and then generalize across all dumpers ever. I'm not going to really get into it...but suffice to say, hindsight is 20/20 for both sides. Sometimes, it's takes a retrospective approach to get someone to talk. Not saying the talk will lead to reconciliation, but just talk.

 

OP, NC is always the best idea for healing. Any contact with your ex will make you miss them and will set you back. However, if you feel like you need to reply, keep it BRIEF. If they beg to not ignore you, I've found the best reply is, "I'm not ignoring you, but I need space. I'm living my own life and you need to respect that."

[rakasan]

I'm in a very similar situation with my ex as well. I guess it all depends on whether or not you want to reconcile. If you don't ever plan on being with him again, there is no point breaking NC. If there is a chance for you to reconcile once your issues are truly worked on then it is up to you to determine if you are ready, but since you were still NC I am assuming that you weren't.

 

I agree with others saying be prepared for any blow that may come your way. The last thing you want is to feel mentally healthy now and have this come and set you back on all the progress you've made for yourself.

[BePatient]

Thanks everyone

 

I guess I will try to talk it through

I know he won't decide to take me back straight away

It's normal,they need time to think

 

So maybe i will just talk about it

Then go on NC again

To give them time to think and more space for me

[thora-tiki]

Thank you for reading my thread, BePatient.

 

How are you?

 

So cool that we both are using the same e-book.

 

I suggest using the no contact message I used,

and the steps in the e-book the magic of making up, whilst you evolve, for the best results.

 

And only start to reconnect when you are emotionally ready.

 

This will take some time, and ensure you the ex is also emotionally ready.

 

Not because he is sending you lame texts.

 

All that whining and texting you was to test your resolve,

and you passed the test.

 

If he had any respect for you he would have honoured your request for no contact,

instead he whines like a big fu*king crybaby to get his way.

 

It is all about him.

 

He wanted to be free, let him enjoy his freedom, and you do the same.

 

If you let it, no contact used the correct way

(send the message I suggest and follow the steps in the magic of making up)

will help you get your life back,

and also your ex back, if you want him back by that time.

 

But you have to let time do it's work.

And don't look too far ahead.

 

This message, can be used by anyone.

 

«Hi. I agree with your decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.»

 

Either they were a bad or a good boy/girlfriend (just to simplify).

 

In the end this is about evolving. Not about who did what.

 

So if you were bad, you will probably use longer time to evolve,

and have a few more obstacles (from yourself and the ex on the way) than someone good.

 

Yes, I was a fantastic girlfriend.

Even so, I needed 10 months of correct no contact, with the message, to evolve.

And so did my ex.

 

He evolved from an insensitive douche bag to a decent human being.

 

Pahaha!

 

To me, your ex doesn't sound as if he thinks badly of you, or that you were a bad girlfriend,

since he is begging you to respond to his lame text.

 

You don't need to win his trust, IF you win his respect by creating a great life without him.

 

You don't need your ex to be happy.

 

But you need to evolve, good or bad, you need to evolve.

 

This is a very bad idea, to meet with him to talk (talk about what? the past?)

when you are still hung up in him.

Yes, you are.

 

You are already stirring up emotions in him by not meeting him.

Just look at his text.

If I were you, I wouldn't even bother to answer any of his lame text.

 

Just send him the message I am suggesting.

 

That will give him something to think about.

 

This message is meant to flip both your switches, and start your personal evolutions together.

 

Even if you are moving on beautifully, do not meet him,

it is still too soon, and will undo a lot of healing/evolving.

 

To be blunt.

 

If your ex had sex with your sister would you be thinking of calling him or answering him?

 

If he beat you, abused you, used you. Would you want to answer him?

 

This guy tore your heart out.

He might as well have done all or any of those things because he

hurt you and didn't give a fu*k that you,

sweet caring you, that loved him through thick and thin was in pain,

and he had the power to stop it.

 

He doesn't deserve a response or a talk.

 

Don't you get it?

 

Until such a time when he has had the reality of what he lost burned into his skull -

he doesn't deserve your love, right now. Or hate or pity or anything.

 

The sooner you realise this - the sooner you evolve and can handle this from

a perspective of strength and power.

 

Don't worry. If you truly love him now.

You wont stop loving him if you evolve.

 

You will just have the advantage of the upper hand.

 

Nothing he will do can ever disappoint you again because you will see it

coming and will stop it before it begins.

Let him go.

 

Now you are just wasting valuable time.

 

Use this mantra/motto:

Every time you see him, get a message from him or think of him,

just think of him as the attempted murderer of your heart.

 

This is still very fresh for both of you, I am guessing.

 

Even if you can pin point where the relationship went wrong, and feel ready to reconnect,

I don't think your ex is ready.

 

From the point of view of someone being the «good» in a bad relationship:

I really needed those 10 months

«to wash that man (old dildo face) out of my hair».

 

I know it is hard to keep no contact, when the ex is texting,

but when you use my suggestion, you get to respond with the no contact message,

and lemme tell you:

It feels goooooood to re-send it.

 

Muhahaha!

 

I have been thinking about the exes making random contact,

since mine did for months.

 

Like you I didn't breaking no contact because of lame messages.

 

I think it is their way of keeping us in love with them and to remind us they are still here.

 

Like they are waving at us, shouting:


«Heeeelloooo! I am here, I am still around! Look at me! Can't you see me?

I can roll my tongue! I can stand on my head! Don't forget meeee...!»

 

Bahaha!

 

Yes, you are in control, and by not answering, you'll keep that control.

 

What you wrote:

«I guess I will try to talk it through

I know he won't decide to take me back straight away

It's normal,they need time to think

 

So maybe i will just talk about it

Then go on NC again

To give them time to think and more space for me.»

 

Is what everyone told me to do.

 

- Talk to him, then go back to no contact.

 

Did I follow this advice?

 

No.

 

- I was serious about getting me back.

 

- I was serious about no contact.

 

- I was not fu*king around.

 

Look where it got me?

 

The ex wants us to break no contact,

so they can feel they are back in control of the situation.

 

If you can not do the no contact I am suggesting,

then you are not ready to be serious,

and your results will reflect your efforts.

 

To me, it still sounds as if you are trying too hard to reconnect.

 

And you are no way near being emotionally ready for that.

 

If you where the «bad one», and I really doubt it, in the relationship,

you need to give you both time to wash the other one out of your system.

 

Your mantra for the week is:

«My situation is not hopeless.»


[BePatient]

Hey thanks Thora-tiki

It's really nice of you

 

I understand what you say and agree with it

The only one reason Im thinking to contact is

It seems like your BU(if I thought it right)

You were doing just fine and a great girlfriend

It was your ex should work on himself

And you could see he's improving himself by the email he sent you

So you know when's the time to reconnect him

(When you're emotionally ready and you know he has evolved too)

But in my case

I'm the one who should work on evolution

(Of course everyone has faults to work on,but he was like you,he was doing fine and a good boyfriend )

The only difference is he asked to break up first

(It's understandable. I respect he's decision.Cause I have some personal issues.)

In this case

If I stay no contact. He has no way to know that I've changed.

(Not like you could see your boyfriend is evolved by the messages he sent you)

 

I'm not saying ill stay in contact with him from now on to let him know I'm working on it

Maybe just to tell him I need space to work on myself and I'll get him back when I'm ready.

You think it's okay to do?

Just slightly change the message that you suggested to send

 

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record.

I'm just confused and I hope you can understand.

[Fufu]

This is the only part of your post that I'll respectfully disagree with. It's a pretty bold assumption to make and then generalize across all dumpers ever. I'm not going to really get into it...but suffice to say, hindsight is 20/20 for both sides. Sometimes, it's takes a retrospective approach to get someone to talk. Not saying the talk will lead to reconciliation, but just talk.

 

OP, NC is always the best idea for healing. Any contact with your ex will make you miss them and will set you back. However, if you feel like you need to reply, keep it BRIEF. If they beg to not ignore you, I've found the best reply is, "I'm not ignoring you, but I need space. I'm living my own life and you need to respect that."

 

 

Or perhaps i should say for Some dumpers.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Hey thanks Thora-tiki

It's really nice of you

 

I understand what you say and agree with it

The only one reason Im thinking to contact is

It seems like your BU(if I thought it right)

You were doing just fine and a great girlfriend

It was your ex should work on himself

And you could see he's improving himself by the email he sent you

So you know when's the time to reconnect him

(When you're emotionally ready and you know he has evolved too)

But in my case

I'm the one who should work on evolution

(Of course everyone has faults to work on,but he was like you,he was doing fine and a good boyfriend )

The only difference is he asked to break up first

(It's understandable. I respect he's decision.Cause I have some personal issues.)

In this case

If I stay no contact. He has no way to know that I've changed.

(Not like you could see your boyfriend is evolved by the messages he sent you)

 

I'm not saying ill stay in contact with him from now on to let him know I'm working on it

Maybe just to tell him I need space to work on myself and I'll get him back when I'm ready.

You think it's okay to do?

Just slightly change the message that you suggested to send

 

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record.

I'm just confused and I hope you can understand.

 

This is my situation too. She won't know. She was the good girlfriend who dumped me. I was living life by myself and not being there for her. She probably dumped me in fear I would her. I've apologized and explained, I won't do that again. I sent her a 6000 word dissertation and dragged all the details out (it was complicated).

 

I can't contact her so I can't prove I've changed. I'll never bump into her she lives miles away. I wish I could climb stairs to the moon, run 300 miles, swim the channel. Just to prove how much I want this.

 

All I can do is take it like a man (**** that). I got a better idea, I'm gonna wait right here while everything is adding up.

 

I don't expect her to just turn around and say "oh okay let's forget everything" so if she doesn't contact me by Christmas I know she doesn't love me anymore. If two people want to be together nothing will stop them. They can't lose, it's impossible.

 

She could torture me, break my bones, even kill me. I'll still love her. I don't care about the idea of a relationship. Just two lovers who want to be together, no games, no fear, no upper hands, no power playing, no pussy footing around. Lovers don't play hard to get, or pretend to care less about their partner than they do, they aren't afraid to look desperate and they definitely aren't reserved about their thoughts and feelings. They don't mind them under their skin, they let the bad parts in.

 

Yeah they fall out and have problems but they don't walk away from them.

 

Screw evolving and growing. We're alright where we're suppose to be, time means nothing. She's broken up with me, I refuse to break up.

 

I'm just waiting for her and I hope she makes it. I can be happy without her but I can admit I'm depressed by missing her to death. Right now she wants to run away. I just gotta ride this storm out.

[Mariposa10]

This is my situation too. She won't know. She was the good girlfriend who dumped me. I was living life by myself and not being there for her. She probably dumped me in fear I would her. I've apologized and explained, I won't do that again. I sent her a 6000 word dissertation and dragged all the details out (it was complicated).

 

I can't contact her so I can't prove I've changed. I'll never bump into her she lives miles away. I wish I could climb stairs to the moon, run 300 miles, swim the channel. Just to prove how much I want this.

 

All I can do is take it like a man (**** that). I got a better idea, I'm gonna wait right here while everything is adding up.

 

I don't expect her to just turn around and say "oh okay let's forget everything" so if she doesn't contact me by Christmas I know she doesn't love me anymore. If two people want to be together nothing will stop them. They can't lose, it's impossible.

 

She could torture me, break my bones, even kill me. I'll still love her. I don't care about the idea of a relationship. Just two lovers who want to be together, no games, no fear, no upper hands, no power playing, no pussy footing around. Lovers don't play hard to get, or pretend to care less about their partner than they do, they aren't afraid to look desperate and they definitely aren't reserved about their thoughts and feelings. They don't mind them under their skin, they let the bad parts in.

 

Yeah they fall out and have problems but they don't walk away from them.

 

Screw evolving and growing. We're alright where we're suppose to be, time means nothing. She's broken up with me, I refuse to break up.

 

I'm just waiting for her and I hope she makes it. I can be happy without her but I can admit I'm depressed by missing her to death. Right now she wants to run away. I just gotta ride this storm out.

 

 

"Screw evolving and growing. We're alright where we're suppose to be, time means nothing. She's broken up with me, I refuse to break up"

 

There are so many wrong things with those two sentences!!!! (Unless you were being sarcastic...?) Ladies and gentlemen and this is when NC is sooo needed.

[BePatient]

This is my situation too. She won't know. She was the good girlfriend who dumped me. I was living life by myself and not being there for her. She probably dumped me in fear I would her. I've apologized and explained, I won't do that again. I sent her a 6000 word dissertation and dragged all the details out (it was complicated).

 

I can't contact her so I can't prove I've changed. I'll never bump into her she lives miles away. I wish I could climb stairs to the moon, run 300 miles, swim the channel. Just to prove how much I want this.

 

All I can do is take it like a man (**** that). I got a better idea, I'm gonna wait right here while everything is adding up.

 

I don't expect her to just turn around and say "oh okay let's forget everything" so if she doesn't contact me by Christmas I know she doesn't love me anymore. If two people want to be together nothing will stop them. They can't lose, it's impossible.

 

She could torture me, break my bones, even kill me. I'll still love her. I don't care about the idea of a relationship. Just two lovers who want to be together, no games, no fear, no upper hands, no power playing, no pussy footing around. Lovers don't play hard to get, or pretend to care less about their partner than they do, they aren't afraid to look desperate and they definitely aren't reserved about their thoughts and feelings. They don't mind them under their skin, they let the bad parts in.

 

Yeah they fall out and have problems but they don't walk away from them.

 

Screw evolving and growing. We're alright where we're suppose to be, time means nothing. She's broken up with me, I refuse to break up.

 

I'm just waiting for her and I hope she makes it. I can be happy without her but I can admit I'm depressed by missing her to death. Right now she wants to run away. I just gotta ride this storm out.

 

I completely understand

Your ex doesn't want to hear from you? Since you say you can't contact her.

Sorry if you don't mind my asking

 

I take it as life lesson

I don't know what's your story but I guess we just took them for granted

 

At first it got me the feeling that I won't meet anyone who loves me as much ever again

Though Im still young

It's just so sad that someone truly loved me and I took it for granted

 

[Mariposa10]

OP, how old are you and how long were you guys together?? And how long have you guys been NC?

 

Sometimes I also feel really guilty about some immature things I did... and feel the same way as you do, sometimes I think what if I don't find someone who will love me as much as my ex did or what if I can't ever love someone as much as I loved him...Thankfully, I don't have those thoughts as often.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I completely understand

Your ex doesn't want to hear from you? Since you say you can't contact her.

Sorry if you don't mind my asking

 

I take it as life lesson

I don't know what's your story but I guess we just took them for granted

 

At first it got me the feeling that I won't meet anyone who loves me as much ever again

Though Im still young

It's just so sad that someone truly loved me and I took it for granted

 

 

Well at first she threatened to block me but then she granted me one more e-mail. She said I could contact her once a week but not everyday. I sent a few more. No replies. I waited a week, sent her an e-mail. Yeah I can't contact her really. She said she misses me but doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't hate me she said she pretends to because it's easier.

 

We were together seven years and she would of done anything for me.

 

Look if she TRULY loved you, she'd give it another shot. She'd have to be incredibly strong not to, or incredibly hurt.

 

My ex hurt me in the past but I loved her so much I gave her another chance. Best decision I ever made. I think my exes feelings changed for me though as I took her for granted. She must see me now as a miserable boring person but I think she still loves me. I think she might want to talk again in time. It's a lot to digest for her.

 

I know she truly loves me. Even if she told me she doesn't, I knows it's to push me away and sometimes people say things they don't mean. I've told her I don't love her in the past during a break-up on my terms, it was out of anger.

 

Just hang in there, if she DOES truly love you like you say then she will be willing to let you prove how much you love her. If she doesn't then, she's moved on and I'm sorry for ya, I know your pain

[BePatient]

OP, how old are you and how long were you guys together?? And how long have you guys been NC?

 

Sometimes I also feel really guilty about some immature things I did... and feel the same way as you do, sometimes I think what if I don't find someone who will love me as much as my ex did or what if I can't ever love someone as much as I loved him...Thankfully, I don't have those thoughts as often.

 

i am 25 and he's 30ish

I know it's silly to think like that as im only 20 something

We were together for two years and broke up about 2 months ago

I went NC right away before I even know what it is

Simply because I've been dumper I kinda know their mindsets

NC is the best way to work on yourself

I replied a text once and it felt awful,

don't do it,

It feels good to know you can take control in your life

 

I do believe I will meet some nice guys in the future

But one you truly love each other

someone you share same values with

someone loves who you are not who you can be

i think this only happens a few times in your life

 

the thing is we are never sure if its the one until we lost them

[BePatient]

Well at first she threatened to block me but then she granted me one more e-mail. She said I could contact her once a week but not everyday. I sent a few more. No replies. I waited a week, sent her an e-mail. Yeah I can't contact her really. She said she misses me but doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't hate me she said she pretends to because it's easier.

 

We were together seven years and she would of done anything for me.

 

Look if she TRULY loved you, she'd give it another shot. She'd have to be incredibly strong not to, or incredibly hurt.

 

My ex hurt me in the past but I loved her so much I gave her another chance. Best decision I ever made. I think my exes feelings changed for me though as I took her for granted. She must see me now as a miserable boring person but I think she still loves me. I think she might want to talk again in time. It's a lot to digest for her.

 

I know she truly loves me. Even if she told me she doesn't, I knows it's to push me away and sometimes people say things they don't mean. I've told her I don't love her in the past during a break-up on my terms, it was out of anger.

 

Just hang in there, if she DOES truly love you like you say then she will be willing to let you prove how much you love her. If she doesn't then, she's moved on and I'm sorry for ya, I know your pain

 

Well

I often tell myself this

 

"People change. Feelings change. It doesn’t mean that the love once shared wasn’t true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart."

 

I can tell you really love her as you said you gave her another chance

(whats the story by the way,if you don't mind sharing it)

 

As a girl I can tell you that you're definitely on her mind a lot

Even if she's with someone else or saying she doesn't love you anymore

7 years relationship!

you can't switch off your feelings that easy

especially for girls

 

i hope we can find some peace of mind

i know how you feel ive been there