Here goes

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Just an update.

 

Have some marriage counselling tomorrow, plus I was able to set up some individual counselling for next week.

 

Sleep is really rough right now. As soon as we put our little one to bed, I am so drained emotionally I got to bed and then literally wake up every hour. If I didn't have kid responsibilities, I would not get out of bed for anything.

 

Eating is OK, but not great. Mostly fruits and vegetables still. Can't each much of anything solid.

 

Weekend was very up and down. Some really good moments and some really depressing ones. Doing some soul searching of my own on all of this (stay/go/stay/go).

 

I did notice that outside of my wife, I have no great friends that I can lean on for all of this. If we were to separate, I would really struggle to have any kind of a social life. I guess that is part in parcel with making your wife your best friend.

 

I think, as part of your recovery, this should change. Church, sports, daddys playgroup, whatever, because you need to feel as though you have a social life of some kind. Look at meetup or something. Start now, don't wait...

 

Sleep when you can. Think about melatonin or something to help you. You def should call your internist to get a check soon, stress like this can really do a number on you.

 

Small meals, lots of water. Protein drinks or bars if you are not up to eating meat.

 

Keep posting.

 

IIWII

[RightThere]

Thanks for all the love.

 

Some big developments in our relationship. I'll update more tomorrow as there is a lot going on right now.

[aliveagain]

Why does your wife have so many girl getaways? Why do you not do more things together, it's like you have separate lives? Your fighting the good fight, but if your the only one committed the chances are poor it will survive. Your wife has a lot of personal issues, she affaired down because she wants to feel better about herself so she finds losers to do that for her, men with more problems than herself. She may feel your too good for her. The one issue that jumps out at me is she started cheating before you married her and then early into your marriage started again. Marriages that have infidelity, specially with multiple affair partners that early in the relationship have a harder time surviving. She is not committed, I think she miss's the covert relationships and may have gone underground to get her thrills. You need to talk to a lawyer so you know what to expect. There are things worse than divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them.

[RightThere]

Well, lots of info.

 

This past week, my wife has come clean with everything. In our entire relationship there have been 5 other guys. Things have been more self destructive over the past year as two were just random people from her past (one night stands). I don't know if I was more numb hearing about this, but it actually felt a bit more liberating just because it helps me make more sense of things. Knowledge is power I guess.

 

Throughout the week, I was ready to separate. 100%. But in talking with my wife, we were both in a really bad place. She has actually started taking all the steps on her own to make proper amends. 3 of the relationships were effectively terminated long ago. The other two she formally terminated them. I was privy to the emails and follow up phone calls. She has already bagged up any gifts or mementos from these affairs and disposed of them. Lots of stuff I had no idea were linked to the affairs. She has told me she accepts 100% of the responsibility for the affairs and was prepared to accept the consequences of me leaving her.

 

She's been very open about what she was getting from the affairs (what she wasn't getting from our relationship). I know this doesn't make much sense to people here, but now that everything is out, I don't have that sinking feeling in my guts anymore. Our old relationship is dead and was broken for a long time. Really broken.

 

And the part that will make even less sense to people is that I'm going to stay to try and work this out in a new relationship. The other comment about the fact that we do a lot of stuff separately and not together was a huge revelation to me. I know that having some of our own things is important, but I went waaay to far in having a totally separate life of my own.

 

Anyways, to add some more points:

Yes, I am 100% committed to repairing our relationship.

Yes, any setbacks due to a new affair we will divorce immediately. No discussion.

No, I am no longer monitoring her emails, phone, texts, etc. I can't watch her forever and I don't want to either. If we're going to move ahead as equals, we need to treat each other as such.

Yes, we are continuing with marriage counselling. Although I think any progress is 2% done with our counselor and 98% with talking with my wife.

No, I cancelled my individual therapy session (again). Not for any other reason than I'm feeling like I can see things clearly now.

No, I'm not going to be "outing" her to friends and family. I feel it's just a tactic to demoralize.

 

I don't think I could make up this stuff. If there was a blueprint for how a situation like this should be handled, I'm sure most of you feel like this is a blueprint for the opposite of how things should have been done. But this is where I am. I don't know why, but I feel better now that I have anywhere else in this process. I'm eating/sleeping fine. And it's been a while since I've just had that sinking feeling in my guts.

 

As always, opposing viewpoints and questions are welcome.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am happy you are happy.

 

There is so much to say...that I want to say...but I won't overwhelm you with negativity, when you are feeling so optimistic.

 

I will just say this. Marriages can survive. Successful reconciliation requires a truly remorseful spouse who works on their issues. I don't believe you have that. I believe you have assumed 99% of the blame. Now you are rug sweeping and not dealing with either your feelings, her poor coping skills or your marital issues. This is a recipe for failure. Why? Because bad stuff happens...what will she do next time? You are just delaying the inevitable. Not because its impossible to change, but because you won't require it. Wy would she need to dig deep into her issues when you conveniently accept all the blame.

 

The Clift notes version of RT story.

 

Chapter 1

Marriage is crappy, but all RTs fault, Mrs. RT not cheating, but ambivalent about staying married

 

Chapter 2

Mrs. RT cheated twice, but it's all RT's fault cause he was a bad husband and missed holidays and didnt give presents. RT committed 100% to reconciliation. Mrs RT ambivalent about staying married.

 

Chapter 3

Mrs. RT cheated 5 times, but it's all RT's fault cause he was a bad husband and missed holidays and didnt give presents. RT committed 100% to reconciliation

Mrs RT ?

 

Chapter 4

Rinse and repeat.

 

I am sorry for not being able to celebrate for you just yet. I want to.

 

IIWII

[RonaldS]

Wow man....sorry to hear about that. It's so hard to realize the life we thought we had us not the life we really had. I feel for you, guy.

 

In my case, my XW never cheated on me, but I did realize that she never loved me. So I don't know exactly how you feel, although I surmise that it's similar. I guess in the end, it's probably best to not internalize it and take all the blame. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that.

[RightThere]

I am sorry for not being able to celebrate for you just yet. I want to.

 

Don't worry. No one is celebrating anything. The only thing I recognize here is that it is out in the open and I have my eyes opened to the truth.

 

Successful reconciliation requires a truly remorseful spouse who works on their issues. I don't believe you have that. I believe you have assumed 99% of the blame. Now you are rug sweeping and not dealing with either your feelings, her poor coping skills or your marital issues. This is a recipe for failure. Why? Because bad stuff happens...what will she do next time? You are just delaying the inevitable. Not because its impossible to change, but because you won't require it. Wy would she need to dig deep into her issues when you conveniently accept all the blame.

 

What I hope is not lost in translation is that all of what you talk about here is exactly what we need to focus on and make better.

 

Affair: her fault.

Bad marriage: our fault.

 

And I anticipate bad things will happen. I am not naive. So we are working on our communication, make sure we don't withdraw or be lazy, and identifying those things that put both her and I in potential bad situations (not just affair situations).

 

As for her issues, we are digging into those. We've identified a couple of individual counselling things she is going to do.

 

Trust me. I realize this is the first brick in a long road. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, but this is just the start of all the work that I know is required.

[revitup]

I do have access, but I don't need to check. I know that there is no physical affair going on. And if I get to the point where I have to do this, then there is no trust in our relationship and I would move on.

 

And I could be wrong on the emotional affair, but right now they are much more companionship and common interests. My wife and I are definitely "opposites attract". And I always felt that a healthy relationship included interests outside of our own and being comfortable doing things on our own.

 

So if I'm playing the 180 game, and she's playing the 180 game, our relationship just dies right there?

 

I will quote you-that way there is no misunderstanding.

Sorry man

 

REVITUP

[RightThere]

Wow man....sorry to hear about that. It's so hard to realize the life we thought we had us not the life we really had.

 

It's funny. I look at over half our life together as a total sham. But now that my eyes have been opened to the truth, I also feel like, no, that was the life I was living. Not sure how to explain it better but some people look at that part of their life as a total waste. I look at it as knowing what I know now, I can learn so much from that period in my life.

[RightThere]

I will quote you-that way there is no misunderstanding.

Sorry man

 

REVITUP

 

Don't ever apologize.

 

I am so glad you pointed that out. And I believe that statement for most of my life (because I have kicked women to the curb for such).

 

I realized that I underestimated the emotional affair part and put too much weight on the physical affair part. I have known for years that my wife has been having emotional connections and affairs with other people (not just guys). In my mind I kept thinking "it's not physical so it's not a big deal." But in my wife's case, the emotional was the most important part, and the physical was just tacked on at the end.

 

No excuses for what she did, emotional of physical. I just understand it better. The emotional was going on, and I was fine with it, but as soon as the physical is added, that's where I draw the line? It's just a change of mindset for me.

 

Make no mistake that I am of the mind now that both an emotional affair and physical affair are inappropriate. I won't go through this again with her and she knows that. 6 months from now I may decide that I still want to separate. But not today.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Don't worry. No one is celebrating anything. The only thing I recognize here is that it is out in the open and I have my eyes opened to the truth.

 

 

 

What I hope is not lost in translation is that all of what you talk about here is exactly what we need to focus on and make better.

 

Affair: her fault.

Bad marriage: our fault.

 

And I anticipate bad things will happen. I am not naive. So we are working on our communication, make sure we don't withdraw or be lazy, and identifying those things that put both her and I in potential bad situations (not just affair situations).

 

As for her issues, we are digging into those. We've identified a couple of individual counselling things she is going to do.

 

Trust me. I realize this is the first brick in a long road. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, but this is just the start of all the work that I know is required.

 

You never said in any of this that she is sorry, remorseful, horrified, mortified, or even committed to reconciliation.

 

She has not been any of these things. None.at.all.

 

What has changed? I still see you saying its all you.

[RightThere]

You never said in any of this that she is sorry, remorseful, horrified, mortified, or even committed to reconciliation.

 

She is very sorry. She will seek me out multiple times a day right now just to tell me how sorry she is. She is the one seeking out counselling and has some books on how to fix things being the wayward spouse.

 

We've talked at length about what she has done to not only me, but our child, these other guys (not that I'm shedding a tear there) and the people who she made keep secrets. She talks about how she used people and manipulated.

 

And she is committed to reconciliation. She is no contact with all these other guys. She is answering every question I have about what when on. She has offered up information that I know I would have never know or been able to find out about.

 

There will be more to come from her as well. I've told her there are a few people she need to tell about the whole situation (close family) and she has agreed. I just don't plan on outing her to the world with a scarlet letter.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

She is very sorry. She will seek me out multiple times a day right now just to tell me how sorry she is. She is the one seeking out counselling and has some books on how to fix things being the wayward spouse.

 

We've talked at length about what she has done to not only me, but our child, these other guys (not that I'm shedding a tear there) and the people who she made keep secrets. She talks about how she used people and manipulated.

 

And she is committed to reconciliation. She is no contact with all these other guys. She is answering every question I have about what when on. She has offered up information that I know I would have never know or been able to find out about.

 

There will be more to come from her as well. I've told her there are a few people she need to tell about the whole situation (close family) and she has agreed. I just don't plan on outing her to the world with a scarlet letter.

 

You don't need to "out her" except for to the extent you need it to explain or get support or whatever.

 

So you said you are starting a new marriage. That's good. But it did sound like you are squashing your feelings to make reconciliation possible. Maybe it is in the writing.

 

I think you should have IC because you need someone to talk to In real life, who can see clearly and protect your side, because this is not the end, but rather the beginning.

 

Hopefully a good beginning.

 

IIWII

[RightThere]

You don't need to "out her" except for to the extent you need it to explain or get support or whatever.

 

She has one family member she is very close to. I suggested talking to her about everything just to get some more perspective.

 

She has told our counselor everything. So he is in the loop on everything that she has done.

 

So you said you are starting a new marriage. That's good. But it did sound like you are squashing your feelings to make reconciliation possible. Maybe it is in the writing.

 

My feelings are not being squashed. That's probably just lost in translation here. I was betrayed, my trust was shattered, and my wife acknowledges and takes responsibility for that.

 

I think you should have IC because you need someone to talk to In real life, who can see clearly and protect your side, because this is not the end, but rather the beginning.

 

I've opted out of IC just because I find a really take away little from counselling. I find I just get better knowledge from seeking out information and internalizing it as opposed to talking to a counselor. (I've been reading a lot about "White Knight" complex).

 

I will be going to see a good friend soon and will tell him the whole story. I know I will get some good perspective there.

 

Hopefully a good beginning.

 

I look at it as simply a new beginning. Maybe not good, but just a fresh start. The old baggage is not forgotten by any stretch. But we will judge each other based on what is happening in the now, versus the past.

[vla1120]

I've opted out of IC just because I find a really take away little from counselling. I find I just get better knowledge from seeking out information and internalizing it as opposed to talking to a counselor. (I've been reading a lot about "White Knight" complex).

 

I tend to be a self-help person, so I understand. However, I'm concerned for you because, in your research, you are not getting feedback on YOUR specific situation. The fact that you recognize the "White Knight" complex sends up even more red flags for me. Basically, you just convinced yourself that you can fix her while fixing yourself with no outside perspective from someone trained to navigate these muddy waters - a recipe for disaster, my friend.

[2sunny]

I do have access, but I don't need to check. I know that there is no physical affair going on. And if I get to the point where I have to do this, then there is no trust in our relationship and I would move on.

 

And I could be wrong on the emotional affair, but right now they are much more companionship and common interests. My wife and I are definitely "opposites attract". And I always felt that a healthy relationship included interests outside of our own and being comfortable doing things on our own.

 

So if I'm playing the 180 game, and she's playing the 180 game, our relationship just dies right there?

 

This was your post early on in August.

 

You trusted her. You defended her. You had blinders on saying "I don't need to check her phone/bank etc" you stated you didn't think she was having an emotional affair either and definitely not a PA.

 

 

I'm just saying - you've seen/believe what you choose to believe about her. I'd be absolutely sure you have your info correct after you're sure your blinders are off.

 

Back then - she wants to move and was talking separation... Seems she may have been planning a future with someone else - or wanted freedom to play around - either way, when a wife wants time away from a H it's likely because she has plans to do things she doesn't want him to know about.

 

You didn't think she was having an EA but she was - you don't think she was having a PA - but she was.

 

You keep moving your boundary to accommodate her bad behavior.

 

When are you going to give her a swift and harsh consequence?

 

I'm not really seeing how she's suffered for her bad behavior.

Ps he keeps revealing more - and you just keep saying "it's ok honey" - she will cheat again...I'd bet money on it.

 

She's too comfortable and she's got you in the palm of her hand - like putty.

 

Get firm with her. Give her consequences. Stop changing YOUR boundary to suit her cheating ways.

Edited September 7, 2013 by 2sunny

[RightThere]

FML.

 

Last night my wife sat down with me and said she she doesn't have it in her heart anymore to fight. She is not in love with me and wants to separate.

 

I am just a wreck. After everything that I've done and after everything I've offered since finding out about the affairs. She just believes that in her heart, she does not love me and will not ever again.

 

I can already hear the chorus of "Let her go" and "180 her". I just feel like I need to wallow in this a little as I always kept out a faint hope that this would work out. Now I know that to be dead.

 

If I didn't have my daughter who I know is depending on me, I'm not sure I would even try and fake it right now.

 

I'm so devastated.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am so sorry for your pain. Please keep that precious child in your heart and with you to help you through this terrible time.

 

IIWII

[revitup]

FML.

 

Last night my wife sat down with me and said she she doesn't have it in her heart anymore to fight. She is not in love with me and wants to separate.

 

I am just a wreck. After everything that I've done and after everything I've offered since finding out about the affairs. She just believes that in her heart, she does not love me and will not ever again.

 

I can already hear the chorus of "Let her go" and "180 her". I just feel like I need to wallow in this a little as I always kept out a faint hope that this would work out. Now I know that to be dead.

 

If I didn't have my daughter who I know is depending on me, I'm not sure I would even try and fake it right now.

 

I'm so devastated.

 

I feel for you my friend.I hope you know.... I know that pain.

 

REVITUP

[2sunny]

FML.

 

Last night my wife sat down with me and said she she doesn't have it in her heart anymore to fight. She is not in love with me and wants to separate.

 

I am just a wreck. After everything that I've done and after everything I've offered since finding out about the affairs. She just believes that in her heart, she does not love me and will not ever again.

 

I can already hear the chorus of "Let her go" and "180 her". I just feel like I need to wallow in this a little as I always kept out a faint hope that this would work out. Now I know that to be dead.

 

If I didn't have my daughter who I know is depending on me, I'm not sure I would even try and fake it right now.

 

I'm so devastated.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

It never looked like she was willing to DO the work. Now she's just admitting it.

 

It gives you a chance to let go of what wasn't working - and to move forward and find peace and happiness!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

It never looked like she was willing to DO the work. Now she's just admitting it.

 

It gives you a chance to let go of what wasn't working - and to move forward and find peace and happiness!

I know right now you probably feel like we're trying to spitshine a turd but the above is true. How'd you like to spend another 12-18 months in the "in or out' limbo you've recently found yourself? On some level, kudos to your wife for leveling with you.

 

I'd love to have the two years of my life back I wasted waiting for my ex-W to recommit to our marriage. It was time poorly spent...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RightThere]

Thank you for everyone's support and comments. I really mean it when I say that one of the only things I have that I look forward to each day is getting honest and caring people who know what this is like. I honestly don't know what I would be doing if I hadn't come across this place. I love you all.

 

I know I'm going to go up and down a lot going forward, but I'll just keep doing this one day at a time.

 

I noticed this morning that I was one belt loop shorter. I know this is not a good sign right now. I'm working on just small healthy meals for now.

 

Here's a situation. Our daughter was invited to a birthday party in a couple of weeks. My wife sent it to me because we're both friends with all the parents. I think it's good for me to go and just keep faking that I'm doing OK while I'm there. In talking previously, she promised that at things like this, it would always be just us, no other boyfriends/girlfriends so the other one could attend. I'm probably going to go.

[RightThere]

How'd you like to spend another 12-18 months in the "in or out' limbo you've recently found yourself? On some level, kudos to your wife for leveling with you.

 

I'd love to have the two years of my life back I wasted waiting for my ex-W to recommit to our marriage. It was time poorly spent...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not going to lie to you guys. I begged her last night to stay. But she wants me to let go because she is leaving me.

 

I always manage to find new levels of pathetic.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm not going to lie to you guys. I begged her last night to stay. But she wants me to let go because she is leaving me.

 

I always manage to find new levels of pathetic.

 

Those things you do that leave you feeling like total sh*t? They feel that way to reinforce why you never want to do them again.

 

It was a one-off in a bad moment. Don't beat yourself up over it, and move foward. Strength and honor, brother.

[RightThere]

Actually I want to give you a task if you are up for it.

 

I appreciate you caring.

 

Can you tell me what some of your better qualities are?

 

I think I'm decent looking. I'm honest. Have a good job. I'm a good father. Good at taking care of myself (exercise, eating right).

 

What you like to do with your time?

 

I enjoy cycling. Spending time doing activities with my daughter (previously my family). I like to cook.

 

Someone who inspires you?

 

I'll probably pass on that one right now. I previously would have put my wife. Beyond that, I'm pretty low on inspiration right now.

 

What do you think are some things you CAN and WILL do with your new life?

 

I'm going to make an effort to DO more things. Actives with friends. Activities with my daughter. I'm going to cycle the hell out of my bike. And I'll be at the gym as much as I can be.

 

What are some positive things in your life right now?

 

I've got a daughter who loves and is depending on me. I've got a good family who will support me. I've got a good job to keep me occupied.

 

What advice would you give a friend in your shoes?

 

Right now, none of that "You're a great guy" or "Someone would be lucky to have you" crap I got from my soon to be ex-wife (first time I've referred to her as that).

 

Just that I would tell myself take it one day at a time. Don't worry about what you can't control.