Steadfast Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 We all comprehend this material, but my sense tells me she views the "review" as terms for her being grounded... *snip* ...That's what it's like to be a Dad. You cannot be the child's friend, you have to be the "bad guy" and enforce the house rules and deliver the consequences of breaking the rules. You'll have some experience now, when your daughter reaches pre-teen age. This hits the nail, and I think you recognize it as truth. I raised four kids and never questioned that each of them knew the difference between right and wrong. The light came on when their actions matched their words. Sometimes, the simplest things are the hardest to grasp. We often take so much for granted. Your wife knows RT, that's your stark reality. Do not buy into the silliness of her great and all powerful emotional struggle. Friend, while you read this please resist the temptation of thinking I'm scolding, berating or pulling some form of control tactic. I have been where you are. Demand no less than you're willing to give. Be strong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 (edited) This hits the nail, and I think you recognize it as truth. I raised four kids and never questioned that each of them knew the difference between right and wrong. The light came on when their actions matched their words. Sometimes, the simplest things are the hardest to grasp. We often take so much for granted. Your wife knows RT, that's your stark reality. Do not buy into the silliness of her great and all powerful emotional struggle. Friend, while you read this please resist the temptation of thinking I'm scolding, berating or pulling some form of control tactic. I have been where you are. Demand no less than you're willing to give. Be strong. When you have to treat your spouse as if they are your child..it's time to let go in love and love you.....that is the simplest thing but the hardest to grasp. You have absolutely no control how someone perceives you, loves you, idolizes you. You can do right everyday.....no one owes you love but you. When RT loves himself enough, the rest will fall in place. Edited March 14, 2014 by trippi1432 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted March 14, 2014 Author Share Posted March 14, 2014 First off, I appreciate everyone who has contributed their advice during this entire process for me. I know I would not have made it through some very difficult times without the support I've gotten thus far. I feel as though right now I'm floating between some denial and some anger. And although everyone's contributions are so helpful, I'm finding myself needing to take a real break and focus on dealing with what I feel may be some real anger. I'll still be around, but I'm going to lock down this thread for a bit while I process everything I've been given. I don't know what is going to happen, but I do know that I have a lot to think about. Believe me when I say, thank you for everything you've shared and I love you all. RT 3 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Thread closed per starter's request. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Well it's been a while so I wanted to provide a formal update as to where everything went, and where I am now. The short version of the sad story was: I did allow my WW to move back in. She did cheat on me...again. We fought for a bit but then decided we would try to repair the marriage. We "worked" on things for probably close to a year. During that time, she (obviously) cheated on me some more. I kept moving my "what was acceptable" lines more times than I can recall, but eventually there were no boundaries anymore. For the last six months of the "working on things" she wasn't physically cheating on me anymore, but continued to have inappropriate relationships with these OM from her past. I eventually grew a pair and decided enough was enough and told her we were getting divorced. I'd love to tell you it was because my spine and senses were fully intact, but it had a lot to do with the fact my mortgage was due for renewal, and I knew if I was going to get any equity out of our place to pay her to go away, now was the time. The move out and related crap really was drawn out (all her) but I knew there was an end goal in sight so I just kept focused on that. So I'm now separated (just waiting for the clock to run out so I can file for divorce). Paperwork is all ready to go, and I am loving every minute of my new life without her. (Even managed to go out on a date!) So for anyone who does travel a similar road and feels like there is no hope, I want this tragic tale to prove that you will come out the other side, better than ever. I refused to listen to all the advice I was getting because I needed to learn my own lessons the hard way. There will be dark days along the way. But just keep walking forward and know that as bad as things can get, that only means there are great things on the other side. And thank you to LS. This place saved my life. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Well it's been a while so I wanted to provide a formal update as to where everything went, and where I am now. The short version of the sad story was: I did allow my WW to move back in. She did cheat on me...again. We fought for a bit but then decided we would try to repair the marriage. We "worked" on things for probably close to a year. During that time, she (obviously) cheated on me some more. I kept moving my "what was acceptable" lines more times than I can recall, but eventually there were no boundaries anymore. For the last six months of the "working on things" she wasn't physically cheating on me anymore, but continued to have inappropriate relationships with these OM from her past. I eventually grew a pair and decided enough was enough and told her we were getting divorced. I'd love to tell you it was because my spine and senses were fully intact, but it had a lot to do with the fact my mortgage was due for renewal, and I knew if I was going to get any equity out of our place to pay her to go away, now was the time. The move out and related crap really was drawn out (all her) but I knew there was an end goal in sight so I just kept focused on that. So I'm now separated (just waiting for the clock to run out so I can file for divorce). Paperwork is all ready to go, and I am loving every minute of my new life without her. (Even managed to go out on a date!) So for anyone who does travel a similar road and feels like there is no hope, I want this tragic tale to prove that you will come out the other side, better than ever. I refused to listen to all the advice I was getting because I needed to learn my own lessons the hard way. There will be dark days along the way. But just keep walking forward and know that as bad as things can get, that only means there are great things on the other side. And thank you to LS. This place saved my life. I'm glad for you that you made a decision that you feel comfortable with not because you were forced into. there wasn't no easy way out of that mess and you realized that. good luck. she will always be a mess too unless she works on her personality. I feel like the D will be a big slap on her face, whether it would make her aware of hr flaws and work on them or not it's another story Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 I feel like the D will be a big slap on her face, whether it would make her aware of hr flaws and work on them or not it's another story Good luck Once I learned to let it go, all her crap is just that, ALL HERS. She can keep it and do whatever she wants with it. While I was in it I felt the need to fix it. I was trying to repair the boat and she kept dumping buckets of water into the boat. I will say she is starting to come around, but will probably never get to a level where she actually says "I'm sorry" and not follow it up with a "but". But that's OK because I no longer need it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 I read all your thread Righthere and got to say that you gave her so many chances, but she will never change There is life out there after divorce, I can assure you. Onwards and upwards 3 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Once I learned to let it go, all her crap is just that, ALL HERS. She can keep it and do whatever she wants with it. While I was in it I felt the need to fix it. I was trying to repair the boat and she kept dumping buckets of water into the boat. I will say she is starting to come around, but will probably never get to a level where she actually says "I'm sorry" and not follow it up with a "but". But that's OK because I no longer need it. At least you can say that you tried your best to save the boat, Make sure you take care of yourself and start a new page in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 "will probably never get to a level . . . says "I'm sorry" Wait for the day she sees you with or realizes you have found another woman. I caught my Ex kissing the OM at work, kicked her to the curb, she moved in with OM, then proceeded to rub salt in the wound while picking up her things, by telling me how much better her was. A month later she realized that I had had sex with another woman, and my Ex fell totally apart. Instant 180 on her part, a water fall of crocodile tears, rolling on the floor begging for another chance. Telling my what a mistake she had made, the OM was garbage, etc. For me is was harder than d-day, having to tell her there was no going back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 For me is was harder than d-day, having to tell her there was no going back. Wow. That is tough. I think I'm lucking in the fact that we are both well beyond the stage of even considering getting back together. She was done long ago but would just never do anything about it. I took much longer to come around but once I got here, there is no going back for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Wow. That is tough. I think I'm lucking in the fact that we are both well beyond the stage of even considering getting back together. She was done long ago but would just never do anything about it. I took much longer to come around but once I got here, there is no going back for me. RightThere, So, if you ex, had worked hard, cut out the OM(s), gone No contact, showed real remorse, you still would be with her. The fault for the cheating was hers, and the fault for the reconciliation not working is hers. Consider this, if she had done the "right" things, if she had worked hard, you would be reconciled now. What is the point? We must judge by actions, if the WS is doing what is needed for a true reconciliation. The question that should be asked, past "divorce is the only way" is "What is your WS doing to make the reconciliation work?". If they are doing everything they can and know how to do, then it comes down to if the BS can forgive and live with the fall out. Your story, is of a husband that tried to keep his marriage working to a spouse that would not put fourth the same effort. I am glad it worked out for you, and you are happy. I wish you good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glitterandmud Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) Happy to hear you are moving on. Edited September 5, 2015 by glitterandmud 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Congratulations. Wish more people would drop their dead weight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tomcook Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 RightThere, I've just read a good portion of your posts on this old thread. Since you have been nice enough to offer your advice to me on my own thread, I thought it would be nice to at least read more of your story. Although I am incredibly sorry for all of the complete crap you had to put up with, I am very happy you are free. I can't even express how happy that makes me. I couldn't help but relate to you in the beginning, from feeling like you were at fault for everything, that you should be doing more to, all the way to the completely feeling disgusted after finding out about everything. You had it rough for a good while, but you are the man! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 RightThere, I've spent a few days reading your entire thread. I'm so sorry for what you went through. It's shocking and completely crazy. Mind-f***ing to the nth degree. Your exww & my WH are from similar molds. Shame they didn't break that mold! NC in your case would never have woken her up to anything whatsoever. None of her own behaviours woke her up! Nothing SHE DID showed HER she needed intensive Mental help. Why? Who knows but 1 reason could've been that she could never fill a void. A FOO and major ones. Exww is not a good mother as you thought and insisted upon. She is not stable in any way. I can't see how you thought that at all. I think you saw only what you wanted to see. For a start, having her only child constantly babysat by all and sundry is mind-f***ing your DD! I hope you can get full custody and create a fully stable environment for her. At least DD knows you're there. All that aside I hope you really are "there" this time. It's so difficult before you arrive. Best wishes Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
UnderWater77 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 So right now then, we're in the same house, separate rooms. That will probably change in the next week or so, but in the meantime, do I just avoid her totally in the house? If she initiates talking, do I just keep it totally brief? She says she is 50/50 on wanting to work it out. So I'm sure some of the discussion will be about changes we want to make for the better in our relationship. Do I entertain that? Or just simply push it back to her to initiate any change? We're doing a little family outing this weekend, so do I just give her the cold shoulder the whole time and only focus on our child? Or just be pleasant but keep conversation to a minimum? Also, has anyone every told their significant other they are getting the "180" until they make some changes? Pointless to do so? Im in almost the exact situation. Looking for the same answers. What's the 180? Wow, old thread. Nevermind Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Im in almost the exact situation. Looking for the same answers. What's the 180?[\QUOTE] Do a quick search for "divorce 180", lots of info out there. In short, it's a set of actions that allow you to both improve the chances of saving your marriage and prepare for the possibility of divorce... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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