2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Yeah. I know. I'm playing it cool for now, but I could see the expression on our counselor's face. "Are you out of your f*****g mind?" This new relationship has disaster written all over it. He left his wife for my soon-to-be-ex-wife. He is a short, fat, drunk loser. Even when they first got together, my wife told me he said to her "I don't want kids". And now he's ready to take in a 4 year old and a possible baby that's not his? It's not an if, but a when this goes off the rails. And why are you standing there taking HER crap? Stop being her doormat, man! Start the D and get the hell away from that loony woman!!! ASAP!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 She wants out - why not make her move today? We don't want to disrupt our daughter. She would be moving in with her new man and she doesn't want to throw my daughter full on into that situation if we're doing alternating weeks. However I guess her and her new man have been talking about buying me out (he's got the money) and keeping our place. I told her I'm all for it, get me a cheque and I'm gone! However that causes my STBXW the same issue where now new man will move in right away and confuse our daughter. Maybe I should feel as concerned about the second scenario, but I'm thinking if I'm out I'll have my place and alternating weeks with my daughter. However they choose to f**k up their weeks is upto them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 And why are you standing there taking HER crap? Stop being her doormat, man! Start the D and get the hell away from that loony woman!!! ASAP!!!!! Simmer down. Read my other post. I have to take this a bit slower because there is a 4 year old involved that doesn't need to have her world come crashing in at breakneck speed. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 She's got her plan. No need to wait any further. It's time for you to set up your NEW life. Get busy, you've got work to do - you've been wasting too much time already - this was coming at you when you started this thread - and waiting one more minute to suit her needs is too long. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I'd like to see you go for full custody. Clearly, the fact that she's willing to let this man (just one of many) cohabitate with your daughter is alarming to me. There is NO way I would have expected my husband to let my daughters move in with me and some strange man. She is thinking only of herself. Let her whore around with whomever she chooses, but NOT at the expense of your young daughter!!! You need to get a custody order in place ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 I'd like to see you go for full custody. Clearly, the fact that she's willing to let this man (just one of many) cohabitate with your daughter is alarming to me. There is NO way I would have expected my husband to let my daughters move in with me and some strange man. She is thinking only of herself. Let her whore around with whomever she chooses, but NOT at the expense of your young daughter!!! You need to get a custody order in place ASAP. I'll spend untold amounts of money and the chance of full custody is highly unlikely. I'm not saying I'm not concerned here, but if I thought full custody could possibly happen, then I would do it. But courts are always wanting to keep the family equal and my STBXW would fight this to the death as well. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 I'll spend untold amounts of money and the chance of full custody is highly unlikely. I'm not saying I'm not concerned here, but if I thought full custody could possibly happen, then I would do it. But courts are always wanting to keep the family equal and my STBXW would fight this to the death as well. Well then, I guess I'll just have to let this drive me insane. I don't understand how a parent (well, a good parent) thinks it is okay to thrust their new partner onto their children. She should not even introduce him unless she know's she is marrying this man. Even then - she should let the children live with you. Clearly her social life does not afford her the time to be a good mom! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 Well then, I guess I'll just have to let this drive me insane. I don't understand how a parent (well, a good parent) thinks it is okay to thrust their new partner onto their children. She should not even introduce him unless she know's she is marrying this man. Even then - she should let the children live with you. Clearly her social life does not afford her the time to be a good mom! Overall she is a good mom. She truly is. However I totally agree that she does not realize the s**t storm doing this would cause in our daughter's life. She went through it where her mom brought her into her step-dad's life and my STBXW was suddenly the second most important person. So she's trying (in her mind) to ease into this, but yeah, still moving way too fast. I got a few texts from her today because she it out getting some books on how to break the divorce news to our daughter. I know she is very panicked and looking to me to help calm her down (because that is what I was always able to do for her). But now in my head I'm thinking "F**k that! That's your husband's job, which is not me anymore" Clearly her social life does not afford her the time to be a good mom! I just wanted to requote that because it is so bang on. Her social life and selfishness did not afford her the time to be a good wife or mother. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 You say she's a good Mom. A good Mom bangs several other men - putting her health and Dads health at risk? NO a good Mom doesn't! A good Mom starts new lives with other men - enough to possibly be pregnant with a child who isn't fathered by Dad? NO A good Mom has the chance to rebuild a marriage but chooses life with other douchebag men? NO Stop calling her a good Mom - she's NOT! The example she is setting for your child is NOT one that a good Mom would choose. And YES, absolutely go for full custody! And I'd require her cheating a$$ to be out of the house within the hour! She's out shopping for books? How about she try a little honesty with your child "I am dating several other men and that is unacceptable behavior for a married woman"! It IS as simple as that! But she just wants to figure out the most creative way to lie to your daughter. Make her move - she isn't a good influence on your child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 You say she's a good Mom. A good Mom bangs several other men - putting her health and Dads health at risk? NO a good Mom doesn't! A good Mom starts new lives with other men - enough to possibly be pregnant with a child who isn't fathered by Dad? NO A good Mom has the chance to rebuild a marriage but chooses life with other douchebag men? NO None of these things have anything to do with her as a mother. As a wife and a person, yes. But not as a mother. She's out shopping for books? How about she try a little honesty with your child "I am dating several other men and that is unacceptable behavior for a married woman"! Really? Give your head a shake. Saying that to a 4 year old child is not going to do anyone any good. Our daughter's response to this will totally depend on the interactions her mother and I have. Fighting over full custody and berating her mother infront of her? Come on 2sunny. I know you are much smarter than this. You are filled with all the anger I should be filled with, but I know right now it does no one any good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 None of these things have anything to do with her as a mother. As a wife and a person, yes. But not as a mother. Really? Give your head a shake. Saying that to a 4 year old child is not going to do anyone any good. Our daughter's response to this will totally depend on the interactions her mother and I have. Fighting over full custody and berating her mother infront of her? Come on 2sunny. I know you are much smarter than this. You are filled with all the anger I should be filled with, but I know right now it does no one any good. I'm not filled with any anger. But I am shocked that you aren't willing to call your W what her BEHAVIOR shows the person she is = a complete whore. And YES, her behavior and lack of good choices DO affect her ability to be called a good mother. She isn't a good mother. Open your eyes - they are clouded by your ability to continue being her doormat. Her honesty would look like "Mommy isn't being a good wife and I'm going to divorce Daddy". That would be enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Do you actually think the definition of a good Mom includes breaking up the family? Dating and sleeping with a variety of men, including men that are drunk? Our choices represent who we are - and these have been her choices. Poor choices - poor behavior - end result = not necessarily a good Mom. Definitely not a good wife. She risked her health, your health - IF she had contracted an std or worse - your D could potentially risk losing BOTH parents. You call that ok? Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 My only wish for your daughter, RT, is to have a stable home life. In my life, when I've made decisions that affected my children, I always asked myself "What is in their best interest?" In hindsight, perhaps I didn't always make the best decision, but I definitely tried. I think, as a parent, this is the best you can do. You should have a say about who cohabitates with your daughter. Perhaps encourage your STBXW to think about what is TRULY in the best interest of your daughter before she decides to introduce strange men into her life. Given your wife's propensity to hook up with anyone and everyone, are you concerned about a steady stream of strange men in and out of her young life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 Perhaps encourage your STBXW to think about what is TRULY in the best interest of your daughter before she decides to introduce strange men into her life. Given your wife's propensity to hook up with anyone and everyone, are you concerned about a steady stream of strange men in and out of her life? After meeting with our counselor last night, I think her eyes were opened a bit to the issues for our daughter it will cause. She has said she is going to delay/cancel some of the plans she had for integrating this guy. If that happens, who knows. I actually doubt it, but she does seem open to listening to my opinion on the matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 Actually as a added bit of info, our daughter came home from pre-school yesterday. She drew a picture of my STBXW in a car. The teacher will always ask the kids what it is a picture of and write down exactly what they say. She said "It's my mom in a car going away." We both talked to her about it as asked her where mommy was going. She said "To a friends". I asked her how that made her feel and she said "Sad". I know my STBXW is picking up on these cues because I can tell she is very stressed about it. So being a passive/aggressive jerk, I made sure to drive home the point that our daughter is being affected by this stuff already and she needs to slow it down. Point is getting across, but we'll see if it translates into action. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Sometimes - when the inevitable is unavoidable - it's best to rip the band aid off quickly and get that change over with ASAP to allow the child to adjust to what is her NEW reality. Kids at this age are very flexible and forgiving - needing very few words for an explanation. Mommy is leaving today and will be visiting you often - she loves you very much but must go now - would suffice. For what it's worth - my 21 year old was telling me last week he doesn't remember hardly anything from when he was young - only after about age 8 or 9. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 For what it's worth - my 21 year old was telling me last week he doesn't remember hardly anything from when he was young - only after about age 8 or 9. Recalling it and having it affect you are two different things. There are certainly long-term consequences for a 4-yr old in a poorly handled divorce... Mr, Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 13, 2013 Author Share Posted September 13, 2013 Up day, down day, up day, down day. Yesterday I was doing pretty good. But last night we went over to see some friends together (it was planned while ago). As much as I like our friend's company, I really struggled with the whole situation. They know we're getting divorced now, but they do not know any of the details. It just made me so depressed. Did go see a doctor yesterday and he did prescribe me some anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds. The added bonus is they do help you get some sleep. I really hated that this is what is happening now in my life, but I took one last night. Seemed to help with the sleep a bit. Pregnancy test this morning was negative again. Still will need to wait until next week to know for sure. Trying to figure out some finance stuff and what kind of situation I'll be in after separation. Not looking great, but I'm sure I'll manage it. My STBXW wants to stretch this out as long as possible because she's not getting full-time paycheques right now, and won't until April. Plus her new man is locked into a lease at his place so they don't want to buy me out too soon. Pisses me off because I want to get this rolling and get it over with not using too much in the way of lawyers. I'll just push to get this mediation done and then force them to either buy me out or sell our place. Actually had a weak moment yesterday too. I was so angry at my STBXW most of the day, but then I actually had the thought creep into my head that a small part of me is still in love with her and wished she would just come to her senses. I know I am in love with what I thought she was, but it's still hard. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 You could file and get her reality rolling forward. That way everything is sorted through and just needs to be finalized when YOU say you're ready.., Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted September 13, 2013 Author Share Posted September 13, 2013 You could file and get her reality rolling forward. That way everything is sorted through and just needs to be finalized when YOU say you're ready.., If I can get a mediation agreement done, then I'll be filing the next morning. Problem is where I am, based on what i read if I file and we don't agree on parts of the separation, then we're in legal land and paying lawyers to hash it out. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 14, 2013 Share Posted September 14, 2013 If I can get a mediation agreement done, then I'll be filing the next morning. Problem is where I am, based on what i read if I file and we don't agree on parts of the separation, then we're in legal land and paying lawyers to hash it out. Did you get that info from an attorney or solicitor? I'd ask them - or ask the court directly. You need facts about how your system works. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 Been a long time without an update, so I figured I would continue my "therapy" and post what's been going on. Since my last post: Wife was pregnant. We ended up miscarrying. Wife did decide to reconcile. Did go no contact with the other man for a while. I had a low moment and really started pushing her on her commitment, her feelings, etc. We ended up having an "A HA" moment but she admitted she was in love with this other guy, not in love with me (and actually never in love with me the whole time I've known her). Many more details I'll skip over that happened during this time to, but that is that. We are getting separated, I'm still quite pathetic in that I still love her, would probably take her back if she asked me to. But I am going to be moving on. My life is full of regret, but I'll be going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 Time to end it - it's been over a LONG time! And she's not honest! And you don't look at what is real unless she's written it in her journal. She's not been working on fixing the M! She's working on ways to screw you over while she looks around for her better options! Stop being her doormat! Pull that rug out from underneath her! Get the D finished and offer her less than what she deserves - especially since she offered the M less than she agreed to! She's been pretending to work on the M- yet focused on other men this whole time. She's played you as her fool - stop being that fool! Let go of what drags you down = her! Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 28, 2013 Share Posted October 28, 2013 If I can get a mediation agreement done, then I'll be filing the next morning. Problem is where I am, based on what i read if I file and we don't agree on parts of the separation, then we're in legal land and paying lawyers to hash it out. This is just excuses. FILE! Delaying the inevitable just makes you her victim. She's planned more with her other man than with you! You should be flaming mad - and ready to throw her out like she's garbage! She's not acting married - she's acting like she's using you - but more importantly - YOU are ALLOWING her to use you! Give her NOTHING when you file! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted October 28, 2013 Author Share Posted October 28, 2013 Meh. I'm not going to be vindictive or drag this out. I'll just take something close to fair, and move on. She's planning on having the other man be part of her life, and I need to get out of her life so I don't need to watch it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
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