Here goes

[2sunny]

All of this is help.

 

I'm just going to keep posting because this is the only real outlet I have. I can't let all this out to friends or family because I really just want to protect our child. I can't right now have our child know what my wife did.

 

But without truth - there's no way to show what's real.

 

See, all the cover up you're doing for your cheating wife is protecting her from the consequences she should be dealing with.

 

And that isn't making things better - just worse. Because now she knows you will lie and cover up to save face.

 

Lying by omission is the same as lying.

 

Tell family, friends etc. she needs consequences! Stop making this ok by eliminating what she purposely did!

[RightThere]

Had a chat with my wife at lunch today.

 

I talked to her about me feeling like I was doing all the heavy lifting right now. She agreed and asked what more she could be doing. She said she understood that she would need to quit her running group and find a new one. She also said she understood it meant she would have to cut off relationships with her friends who covered up the affairs.

 

This was good, but I feel like these aren't the things that I want. I really just want no more cheating, but I couldn't come up with other things that might help me feel better. Any suggestions on what else I should be asking for at this point? My mind is going a thousand miles a minute but with nothing in it.

 

I also talked to her about her level of commitment to rebuilding the marriage. She admitted that she is working on things (which she is) but that she is holding back a small part. Mostly because she knows I'm still processing all of the affair and that she's sure I'll just come to hate her because of it.

 

I told her she has to put all of herself out there, because I truly am. And I think part of the reason I'm struggling right now is that she's holding back on some of her commitment. She said she wants to do what is best for our marriage, so she'll do whatever heavy lifting I need done and continue to commit.

 

Not sure if I feel and better, but I don't feel any worse. The plus side to having so little appetite is the only thing I can really hold down is fruits and vegetables.

[2sunny]

Had a chat with my wife at lunch today.

 

I talked to her about me feeling like I was doing all the heavy lifting right now. She agreed and asked what more she could be doing. She said she understood that she would need to quit her running group and find a new one. She also said she understood it meant she would have to cut off relationships with her friends who covered up the affairs.

 

This was good, but I feel like these aren't the things that I want. I really just want no more cheating, but I couldn't come up with other things that might help me feel better. Any suggestions on what else I should be asking for at this point? My mind is going a thousand miles a minute but with nothing in it.

 

I also talked to her about her level of commitment to rebuilding the marriage. She admitted that she is working on things (which she is) but that she is holding back a small part. Mostly because she knows I'm still processing all of the affair and that she's sure I'll just come to hate her because of it.

 

I told her she has to put all of herself out there, because I truly am. And I think part of the reason I'm struggling right now is that she's holding back on some of her commitment. She said she wants to do what is best for our marriage, so she'll do whatever heavy lifting I need done and continue to commit.

 

Not sure if I feel and better, but I don't feel any worse. The plus side to having so little appetite is the only thing I can really hold down is fruits and vegetables.

 

Same $hit - different day...

 

She's WAY to comfortable! Why isn't SHE o ing up with ACTIONS to invest in the marriage? Why is it up to you?

 

Why are you staying - it simply isn't enough!

 

Exposé to every one! Kick her out! Cut off her money! File for ivorce and don't speak one word to her for 6 months!

 

Be a great dad!

 

But dude, she doesn't respect you because you aren't respecting ZyZoZuRSELZf enough to tell her to take a flying leap!

 

You're grovel ing and accepting minimal crumbs like it has value... Just stop it - I'm embarrassed FOR you!

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Had a chat with my wife at lunch today.

 

I talked to her about me feeling like I was doing all the heavy lifting right now. She agreed and asked what more she could be doing. She said she understood that she would need to quit her running group and find a new one. She also said she understood it meant she would have to cut off relationships with her friends who covered up the affairs.

 

This was good, but I feel like these aren't the things that I want. I really just want no more cheating, but I couldn't come up with other things that might help me feel better. Any suggestions on what else I should be asking for at this point? My mind is going a thousand miles a minute but with nothing in it.

 

I also talked to her about her level of commitment to rebuilding the marriage. She admitted that she is working on things (which she is) but that she is holding back a small part. Mostly because she knows I'm still processing all of the affair and that she's sure I'll just come to hate her because of it.

 

I told her she has to put all of herself out there, because I truly am. And I think part of the reason I'm struggling right now is that she's holding back on some of her commitment. She said she wants to do what is best for our marriage, so she'll do whatever heavy lifting I need done and continue to commit.

 

Not sure if I feel and better, but I don't feel any worse. The plus side to having so little appetite is the only thing I can really hold down is fruits and vegetables.

 

1. Full commitment to recovery. There is no hope of forgiveness without that.

2. Eliminate friends who participated, allowed, planned trips, carried messages.

3. Full written timeline of all affair activities (disclosure) from the beginning of your relationship. 100% disclosure, times. Dates, names, special songs, places, events, who knew when etc. lies she told you, lies she told others-- you may never want to read it but she should do this...she needs to come completely clean. One shot only. This should take her quite a while and may end up being painful for her.

4. Full commitment to MC with focus first on infidelity.

5. IC for her (and you)

6. Full transparency,leave cell phone blocked and out, emails, texts, chats, no deleting ever without your permission.

7. Immediate, instantaneous notification if any of her APs contact her in any way. Immediate notification if she. Makes an additional Boundary error.

8. Disclosure to others in whatever level you choose, supported by MC.

9. Identification of and disposal of all gifts, mementos, photos, etc. of APs.

10. Required reading of, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"

11. Participate in Marriage builders, or surviving infidelity web sites.

12. Total and complete honesty.

13. Acceptance of your waivering feelings without defensiveness.

14. Full commitment to doing exactly what she says, and what you agree to.

15. No girls nights or solo activities for near term. Only couples activities.

16. No avoidable business travel.

17. No solo meetings, travel, conversations, with any male, that is not 100% work related.

18. No male friends.

 

These are examples. ...one thing you need to know is that these boundaries help both of you recover. They may be less necessary as time goes on. #3 feels really important in your situation because she needs to face what she has done. This might help.

 

These things help you feel safe, and helps her have ways of testing and proving you can trust her, because without them how can she show you?

 

IIWII

[vla1120]

IIWII gives excellent advice, above. I believe you present this list to her with an ultimatum. She either follows it to the letter, or you are DONE.

 

Once again, during your lunch, she gives you lip service, claiming to do whatever YOU want her to do to start some heavy lifting. Most of those items on IIWII's list are things she should already have done on her own without being told, if she was the slightest bit serious about working on this!!

 

If you can help it, don't cancel any more appointments. I still take sleeping pills and anti-depressants and probably will continue until well after I've adjusted to living on my own in the next few months (first, I have to take that step and move out.) They have helped me keep my sanity. See you family doctor ASAP.

 

Try to be very cognizant of her behavior and whether her actions match her words (they do not, now.) CALL HER ON IT EVERY TIME! Give her that list of demands. When she says "I'll do what ever you want" tell her to name one thing on that list that she's done, and make her prove it! She's already shown she is a liar.

 

Guess what else? You are under NO obligation to carry through with the three-month timeframe. Once it has become detrimental to your health, you have every right to pull the plug. In fact, you have an obligation to stay healthy for your daughter.

[2sunny]

I don't see that she's sorry she cheated - she only seems sorry she got caught.

 

And she actually looks like she's STILL cheating now.

[revitup]

2SUNNY is right (so are the others).

 

This is the classic "Rat In The Trap" strategy!

 

The rat gets caught and no longer wants the cheese....just wants out of the trap!

 

You let it out of the trap because you have a good heart-next thing you see (once the rat has recovered a little) is that same rat in your cheese again.

 

REVITUP

[RightThere]

I just wanted to crawl out from under my rock today and thank everyone for their advice.

 

My head is just spinning right now so I know I'm not handling things the recommended way. I'm hitting some paranoia stages now because I'm checking her phone records.

 

This is about as low as I've ever felt. Each day is like a blur and I feel like I'm just wandering aimlessly.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I just wanted to crawl out from under my rock today and thank everyone for their advice.

 

My head is just spinning right now so I know I'm not handling things the recommended way. I'm hitting some paranoia stages now because I'm checking her phone records.

 

This is about as low as I've ever felt. Each day is like a blur and I feel like I'm just wandering aimlessly.

 

Actually, checking phone records IS normal at this point...everything up to now has not been normal.

 

What can we do for you?

[RightThere]

Actually, checking phone records IS normal at this point...everything up to now has not been normal.

 

What can we do for you?

 

Just keep pushing me along. Not eating well or feeling better, but at least I got a bit of sleep last night.

 

I picked up a copy of the book Divorce Busting. Going to go through that as it seemed highly recommended.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am not going to nag you about your wife because I sense you cannot handle it right now.

 

So I am moving on to you taking care of yourself.

 

You need to drink lots if water and eat small meals... Like a yogurt, or something every couple hours.

 

You also need to work out, walk, gym something.

Don't go too much longer without sleeping before you see your doctor. Get anti depressants if necessary (I am a believer) do not suffer through it without help.

 

Your doctor will have seen and heard it all before so tell the whole story.

 

IIWII

[2sunny]

What are you finding in the phone records?

[Misadventure]

Rightthere, I am sorry, buddy.

 

I will say this... get on some anti-depressants. They help! I feel very much in a fog sometimes or like you, want to crawl under a rock..but then the feeling passes or is not as bad as it was.

 

I don't know the right thing to tell you but just know that we all care. I think for you maybe some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for the evening. Please keep posting and keep us updated. Do not cancel appts with a counselor/shrink...it helps to talk it out.

[vla1120]

Phone records do not lie.

 

Take care of yourself. I drink nothing but water now, and have 5 small meals per day. I also downloaded an app called "Lose It." Even if you don't need to lose weight, it's very enlightening to log everything you eat every day and see it in black and white. I'm sure there are other meal-logging apps out there. When you're logging everything you eat, you are a bit more aware of how little you are really eating and can make small corrections until you get on track.

[RightThere]

I am not going to nag you about your wife because I sense you cannot handle it right now.

 

Yeah. I can't handle much more right now. Posting a little less because I don't want to be beat up from everywhere right now. Being that all this is really just over a week old to me, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what's going on.

 

Trying to reach out to anther individual counselor today. Hopefully it won't be too long to get in because I really feel like I need to get in soon.

 

Not going to see my doctor at this point because I really don't want to get on anti-depressants or anything like that.

[vla1120]

Yeah. I can't handle much more right now. Posting a little less because I don't want to be beat up from everywhere right now. Being that all this is really just over a week old to me, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what's going on.

 

Trying to reach out to anther individual counselor today. Hopefully it won't be too long to get in because I really feel like I need to get in soon.

 

Not going to see my doctor at this point because I really don't want to get on anti-depressants or anything like that.

 

Sorry, RT. I think I forgot how new and raw this is for you. You should be able to come out here without feeling judged or nagged. I apologize if I contributed to your stress in any way. Take care of yourself.

[RightThere]

I don't know the right thing to tell you but just know that we all care. I think for you maybe some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for the evening. Please keep posting and keep us updated. Do not cancel appts with a counselor/shrink...it helps to talk it out.

 

I know that everyone is posting what they do because they care. It's just hard for me because.....well.......it just is.

 

One part of me is thinking I have to fight and make this work out. If we can get through this, we will be so much stronger on the other side.

 

The other part of me is thinking this is way too hard. For both of us. The depth of these affairs has caused so much damage, one of us will run out of patience in trying to repair it.

 

The last part of me is just a lot of vomit taste in my mouth and thinking "What the hell has happened to me?" This part has been winning this week.

[2sunny]

What are her phone records showing you?

[RightThere]

Sorry, RT. I think I forgot how new and raw this is for you. You should be able to come out here without feeling judged or nagged. I apologize if I contributed to your stress in any way. Take care of yourself.

 

No apologies from anyone needed. Ever.

[RightThere]

What are her phone records showing you?

 

Not today 2sunny.

 

They showed me some things, I confronted her about those things, I don't know if I'm satisfied with the answers.

 

She does sit and answer every question I've had throughout this process.

[2sunny]

What does your gut tell you?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I know that everyone is posting what they do because they care. It's just hard for me because.....well.......it just is.

 

One part of me is thinking I have to fight and make this work out. If we can get through this, we will be so much stronger on the other side.

 

The other part of me is thinking this is way too hard. For both of us. The depth of these affairs has caused so much damage, one of us will run out of patience in trying to repair it.

 

The last part of me is just a lot of vomit taste in my mouth and thinking "What the hell has happened to me?" This part has been winning this week.

 

So one thing..you don't need to make decisions today. One way or the other, there is no emergency. Get your feet under you first.

 

Eat small meals, drink water, talk to your doctor...don't be a hero, sleeping meds and anti anxiety or antidepressants can help you get through the short term. No shame in taking them...I am a firm believer in them, anything that will help you need to do.

 

IIWII

[RightThere]

What does your gut tell you?

 

It tells me that I believe what she told me.

[RightThere]

Just an update.

 

Have some marriage counselling tomorrow, plus I was able to set up some individual counselling for next week.

 

Sleep is really rough right now. As soon as we put our little one to bed, I am so drained emotionally I got to bed and then literally wake up every hour. If I didn't have kid responsibilities, I would not get out of bed for anything.

 

Eating is OK, but not great. Mostly fruits and vegetables still. Can't each much of anything solid.

 

Weekend was very up and down. Some really good moments and some really depressing ones. Doing some soul searching of my own on all of this (stay/go/stay/go).

 

I did notice that outside of my wife, I have no great friends that I can lean on for all of this. If we were to separate, I would really struggle to have any kind of a social life. I guess that is part in parcel with making your wife your best friend.

[revitup]

I did notice that outside of my wife, I have no great friends that I can lean on for all of this. If we were to separate, I would really struggle to have any kind of a social life. I guess that is part in parcel with making your wife your best friend.

 

 

Nope- but it "could be" part and parcel of a deliberate isolation of your support system of friends by a very smart and manipulative wife!

 

Maybe not.....but not having any real friends is a sign of something very abnormal in the realationship-either on your part or hers.

 

Something to think about.

 

REVITUP