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Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

RedRobin

By RedRobin
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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Haven't read the whole thread.

 

Just wanted to say, I find this thread amazing. Seriously if two consensual adults want to have sex but don't want a relationship how does this make them comparable to drug addicts????

 

I had a **** buddy briefly, great guy we got on really well, sex was amazing. We didn't click to the level that made either of us want to date each other. Typically we went out for dinner went home had fun and then had breakfast in bed in the morning. It wasn't for me long term, but we parted ways amicably and he's a great guy. A girl would be crazy not to date him, if they wanted to date each other. He would be super loyal and is very good at communication. And sex lol.

 

He also went to an Ivy League law school, speaks 3 languages, is a successful lawyer and is involved a really great charity working with the lowest socio-economic group. So yeah... What a douche... Basically a drug addict....

 

But I agree it's just different values and you stood firm to yours. So fair play. I just think you are making very strange conclusions from the information you are given. Still can't get past the drug addict comment... I wanted to get laid with someone I liked, had fun with and trusted. I really can't see any reason anyone should apologise for that.

 

There are all kinds of addicts, sweetheart.

 

... and I really don't care what his credentials are.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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If I have a question, it is more to the ladies. Could you love or trust someone knowing he had used someone just for sex? And did so for an extended period?

 

In the future, I will probably just tell a guy our values aren't compatible if he admits to that... rather than try to work through it. We had a lot of things in common otherwise, though, so it is a shame.

 

Thoughts??

I don't know.... I just don't seem to be as scared of men as you are. Maybe because I spent my 20s married so I never experienced exploitation and in my 30s I was smarter with more experience under my belt... I think it's quite easy to tell when someone is just after sex, it's not something that hugely concerns me I have to say.

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The Shepherd Established Member

The Shepherd

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Mr. Attention Seeker is a very funny man.

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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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I don't know.... I just don't seem to be as scared of men as you are. Maybe because I spent my 20s married so I never experienced exploitation and in my 30s I was smarter with more experience under my belt... I think it's quite easy to tell when someone is just after sex, it's not something that hugely concerns me I have to say.

 

My history is similar. I haven't experienced 'exploitation' either. Although, I have no interest in experiencing it now... in any form it takes.

 

I agree that it is very easy to tell if someone is just after sex. That isn't my concern.

 

I'm concerned about this guy's ability or interest in developing a deeper emotional bond... and given his history, I have my doubts.

Edited by RedRobin
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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I'm concerned about this guy's ability or interest in developing a deeper emotional bond... and given his history, I have my doubts.

Yes I like cautious men for this reason. You can tell he is considering whether he thinks you two are a good fit.

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joystickd Established Member

joystickd

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You assume that it is easy for her to wait as well...

 

Again, it is clear you don't value women's time and effort it takes for her to get to know you too... When I'm getting to know a man, I'm not just sitting there having him do all the work. AND... if he is getting to know me, it will become obvious pretty damn quick that I'm not out having sex with another guy while I'm getting to know him.

 

See... I don't date men that I'm not really interested in... oh, but lots of men will absolutely date a woman they aren't really interested in... and for quite a long time. The guy I'm talking about has already demonstrated that he does.

 

It's THOSE men I'm seeking to eliminate. And ya know what... I think I'm doing pretty darn good so far.

 

Yeah you still single

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

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You assume that it is easy for her to wait as well...

 

Again, it is clear you don't value women's time and effort it takes for her to get to know you too... When I'm getting to know a man, I'm not just sitting there having him do all the work. AND... if he is getting to know me, it will become obvious pretty damn quick that I'm not out having sex with another guy while I'm getting to know him.

 

See... I don't date men that I'm not really interested in... oh, but lots of men will absolutely date a woman they aren't really interested in... and for quite a long time. The guy I'm talking about has already demonstrated that he does.

 

It's THOSE men I'm seeking to eliminate. And ya know what... I think I'm doing pretty darn good so far.

 

I value her time but also at the same time i dont want mine wasted.

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kassy Established Member

kassy

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There are all kinds of addicts, sweetheart.

 

... and I really don't care what his credentials are.

 

Lol, I bet you're really fun to date! And sleep with ...

 

So now I'm a sex addict because I had a **** buddy once briefly? And I was 'used' for sex? Lol

 

Well at least you have me a good chuckle. Good luck with dating ha

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shaz2013 New Member

shaz2013

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;)

 

Yes, I am speaking about the majority of us "men", not included in the batch the higher standards guys, white knights, and prince charming. (around 0.1% of the whole men population).

 

By the way, is funny that your first post ever in this board is about this topic and about a message I posted yesterday (a couple of pages ago in this thread)... why do I have the feeling that someone just made up a new account to skip my ignoring list? Welcome again to my ignoring list The Shepherd

 

paronoid much i dont no what you mean by the shepard yea im new to this forum. Just because your desperate and would sleep with just about anyone thats willing doesn't mean everyone else is , why would a quality girl want a guy like that its disgusting.

therhythm Established Member

therhythm

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Lol, I bet you're really fun to date! And sleep with ...

 

So now I'm a sex addict because I had a **** buddy once briefly? And I was 'used' for sex? Lol

 

Well at least you have me a good chuckle. Good luck with dating ha

 

I actually think that OP has all the right in the world to date or not date someone basing that choice in whatever she wants to base it.

It is just that she is emitting judgment and making statements like the addiction, the incapacity to commit or the whole "men using women for sex thing" and that makes me agree with you... someone so upright has to be pretty boring to date!

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kassy Established Member

kassy

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I agree she can date whoever she likes. It really doesn't concern me. I am more baffled at the whole thing really than bothered. I guess different strokes for different folks.

 

Some things just remind me how happy I am to be me

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therhythm Established Member

therhythm

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Some things just remind me how happy I am to be me

 

;) Yes... I have exactly the same feeling!

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phineas Established Member

phineas

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Lol, I bet you're really fun to date! And sleep with ...

 

So now I'm a sex addict because I had a **** buddy once briefly? And I was 'used' for sex? Lol

 

Well at least you have me a good chuckle. Good luck with dating ha

 

I actually think that OP has all the right in the world to date or not date someone basing that choice in whatever she wants to base it.

It is just that she is emitting judgment and making statements like the addiction, the incapacity to commit or the whole "men using women for sex thing" and that makes me agree with you... someone so upright has to be pretty boring to date!

 

In short, she's crazy.

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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Yeah you still single

 

Beats the alternative... wasting my time with a guy who doesn't give a shyte about me.

BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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Beats the alternative... wasting my time with a guy who doesn't give a shyte about me.

 

Definitely being single beats being with a guy who couldn't care less. So much heartache and time lost. Agreed here.

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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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I actually think that OP has all the right in the world to date or not date someone basing that choice in whatever she wants to base it.

It is just that she is emitting judgment and making statements like the addiction, the incapacity to commit or the whole "men using women for sex thing" and that makes me agree with you... someone so upright has to be pretty boring to date!

 

It is my impression that most of you don't really place too high a standard on who you 'date'... So, it's not like I'm insulted...

 

... and many of you also claim quite vociferously all the reasons why you don't need or want to commit to anyone.

 

So, my opinion stands.

 

I could decide to have sex with strangers just for fun any day. That's easy.

 

However, most of you here are not capable of making other choices regarding your sexuality... that is what makes it an 'addiction'.

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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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Then we'll food addicts since we all like to eat. Talking about paranoid. What man in their right mind would want date a woman thinks that having a FWB is a sex addict.

 

She's going to find fault in every man she dates. Might as well become a lesbian.

 

If you had a habit of eating junk food everyday, I doubt we'd be a match either.

 

Yes, I think a man who screws a woman for three years and can't call her his GF has intimacy issues, has trouble bonding, or is just a user. I really don't care which it is.

 

I'm just relieved I'm not her.

therhythm Established Member

therhythm

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It is my impression that most of you don't really place too high a standard on who you 'date'... So, it's not like I'm insulted...

 

... and many of you also claim quite vociferously all the reasons why you don't need or want to commit to anyone.

 

So, my opinion stands.

 

I could decide to have sex with strangers just for fun any day. That's easy.

 

However, most of you here are not capable of making other choices regarding your sexuality... that is what makes it an 'addiction'.

 

You know nothing about me lady and yet again you allow yourself to make assumptions.

Do you know why I ever came to this website to begin with?

Well, I did commit to a relationship with a woman I loved dearly during 1.5 years, she was the one who had only in her past 2 lovers (I was her third), she never had fwb or any casual sex at all... she kept resentment against me (even when I was totally upfront about myself from the very beginning) because of my sexual past and she decided that I "deserved" that she cheated on me and so she did.... So tell me dear lady, what conclusion do you get from that?

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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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You know nothing about me lady and yet again you allow yourself to make assumptions.

Do you know why I ever came to this website to begin with?

Well, I did commit to a relationship with a woman I loved dearly during 1.5 years, she was the one who had only in her past 2 lovers (I was her third), she never had fwb or any casual sex at all... she kept resentment against me (even when I was totally upfront about myself from the very beginning) because of my sexual past and she decided that I "deserved" that she cheated on me and so she did.... So tell me dear lady, what conclusion do you get from that?

 

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you.

 

She was very wrong to stay with you if she couldn't get past something you told her about your life.

 

Notice that I didn't stay with the guy I'm talking about in this thread. I knew it was something I'd have to accept somehow, or leave. Not fair to him to hang something over his head he can't change....

 

I did try to understand and find a way to accept it, but just couldn't. I'm not saying I wouldn't be able to with someone else in the future... but for now, I think I have clarity on why I'd have a hard time with it.

 

I do sincerely appreciate people's responses here... good and 'bad'... the goal here was for clarity... not agreement.

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BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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You know nothing about me lady and yet again you allow yourself to make assumptions.

Do you know why I ever came to this website to begin with?

Well, I did commit to a relationship with a woman I loved dearly during 1.5 years, she was the one who had only in her past 2 lovers (I was her third), she never had fwb or any casual sex at all... she kept resentment against me (even when I was totally upfront about myself from the very beginning) because of my sexual past and she decided that I "deserved" that she cheated on me and so she did.... So tell me dear lady, what conclusion do you get from that?

 

I'm sorry :( I think she used your sexual past as an excuse for her shady behavior, you didn't "deserve" to be cheated on, nobody does.

 

Also, I suggest you do not disclose your sexual past in the future. Be vague, you don't owe anybody a detailed account. I'm sorry to come to this conclusion after reading this forum for a couple of months. It's not an issue for me personally, but this is the advice I'd give to people with more active/diverse/unusual sexual lifes. This thread is the proof that honesty and oversharing don't take you anywhere.

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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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I'm sorry :( I think she used your sexual past as an excuse for her shady behavior, you didn't "deserve" to be cheated on, nobody does.

 

Also, I suggest you do not disclose your sexual past in the future. Be vague, you don't owe anybody a detailed account. I'm sorry to come to this conclusion after reading this forum for a couple of months. It's not an issue for me personally, but this is the advice I'd give to people with more active/diverse/unusual sexual lifes. This thread is the proof that honesty and oversharing don't take you anywhere.

 

I think there is a time and place for sharing this information... Someone ought to have a frame of reference first though... not with the intention of deceiving someone... but with the intention of giving the other person the chance of seeing who you are NOW. I'm all in favor of that.

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BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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I think there is a time and place for sharing this information... Someone ought to have a frame of reference first though... not with the intention of deceiving someone... but with the intention of giving the other person the chance of seeing who you are NOW. I'm all in favor of that.

 

I believe you when you say that things are usually pretty complex and "not that easy"

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

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It is my impression that most of you don't really place too high a standard on who you 'date'... So, it's not like I'm insulted...

 

... and many of you also claim quite vociferously all the reasons why you don't need or want to commit to anyone.

 

So, my opinion stands.

 

I could decide to have sex with strangers just for fun any day. That's easy.

 

However, most of you here are not capable of making other choices regarding your sexuality... that is what makes it an 'addiction'.

The only addiction here is your addiction to struggle

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therhythm Established Member

therhythm

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I'm sorry to hear what happened to you.

 

She was very wrong to stay with you if she couldn't get past something you told her about your life.

 

Notice that I didn't stay with the guy I'm talking about in this thread. I knew it was something I'd have to accept somehow, or leave. Not fair to him to hang something over his head he can't change....

 

I did try to understand and find a way to accept it, but just couldn't. I'm not saying I wouldn't be able to with someone else in the future... but for now, I think I have clarity on why I'd have a hard time with it.

 

I do sincerely appreciate people's responses here... good and 'bad'... the goal here was for clarity... not agreement.

 

I'm sorry :( I think she used your sexual past as an excuse for her shady behavior, you didn't "deserve" to be cheated on, nobody does.

 

Also, I suggest you do not disclose your sexual past in the future. Be vague, you don't owe anybody a detailed account. I'm sorry to come to this conclusion after reading this forum for a couple of months. It's not an issue for me personally, but this is the advice I'd give to people with more active/diverse/unusual sexual lifes. This thread is the proof that honesty and oversharing don't take you anywhere.

 

Thank you ladies I really appreciate it but I was not looking for compassion, I just wanted to proof by showing my own personal experience that a sexual past doesn't really correspond with lack of commitment or probabilities of cheating...

 

Regarding being upfront about my past one of my core values in life is honesty, I am who I am and I do not regret anything I have done and that has brought me to here and would not like to end up with someone who doesn't love me exactly as I am.

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BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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Thank you ladies I really appreciate it but I was not looking for compassion, I just wanted to proof by showing my own personal experience that a sexual past doesn't really correspond with lack of commitment or probabilities of cheating...

 

Regarding being upfront about my past one of my core values in life is honesty, I am who I am and I do not regret anything I have done and that has brought me to here and would not like to end up with someone who doesn't love me exactly as I am.

 

You might be right, in your case anyway, it wouldn't have changed the outcome, she would have cheated on you anyway.

 

But in any case, IN GENERAL, oversharing details is not so good imho. It's not being dishonest,just keeping some balance. I'm not talking specifically about you. It's just that my observation is that if you overshare, you have more chances to be misinterpreted, misunderstood and create unnecessary problems. Many problems come from lack of communication, assumptions and misinterpretations, and perhaps there are enough problems left to solve, one doesn't need to add to them.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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