Author BluEyeL Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 Well, some men don't want to spend money and effort on dates unless they are sure to get the biscuit, I guess, see these threads about paying why should they pay etc etc etc. Plus this one lives 50 miles away. He didn't text good morning today, I guess he didn't like my answers to the parts about the "physical". I know from dating books that you are supposed to pretend that you don't want something serious, but sorry, if you ask me point blank like that I cannot lie, I'm really not looking to get married (although not excluding it), but not looking for casual either. If the guy expects me to put out after one date or two and asks in advance...we have a problem and is better we don't meet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 This is the second one who is asking if I want to get married, no, the third. I guess I project that LOL It seems that if you project that you are not gonna jump to sex quickly, the next step is marriage. Nothing in between ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 I have one date on Friday at noon with someone who works at the university here. This guy, I cancelled on him a few weeks ago, bc I was not over the no 1 and didn't feel in the mood to deal with another first date, I told him I'm beyond date 3 with someone as a reason. He waited a few weeks and contacted again, asked if it worked out with that other guy. I said no. He answered that he'll give me some time to recover and we should go out. He checked in like once a week since and on Sat asked if I'm ready this week so we'll meet for a smoothie on Friday (we don't drink coffee). We'll see how he is, I appreciate that he was persistent, although his emails were short, just about meeting and how am I doing, that's it, at least it's to the point, no riff-raff. Link to post Share on other sites
tricolors Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I have one date on Friday at noon with someone who works at the university here. This guy, I cancelled on him a few weeks ago, bc I was not over the no 1 and didn't feel in the mood to deal with another first date, I told him I'm beyond date 3 with someone as a reason. He waited a few weeks and contacted again, asked if it worked out with that other guy. I said no. He answered that he'll give me some time to recover and we should go out. He checked in like once a week since and on Sat asked if I'm ready this week so we'll meet for a smoothie on Friday (we don't drink coffee). We'll see how he is, I appreciate that he was persistent, although his emails were short, just about meeting and how am I doing, that's it, at least it's to the point, no riff-raff. This guy doesn't sound too bad on the surface. It's nice he kept waiting for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 I know sounds pretty good initially, we'll see... If not working out, I'll go on match again, I've been off since mid April. I'm feeling much less anxiety now, I'm very anxious when I'm on these sites. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I've had a handful of guys ask me if I would ever marry again either before I met them or after the first date. I guess if it's something that you really want, it's a fair question. But when it's done too early it's just odd to me. I have a guy friend who told me that I was 'marriage material'. That's his theory as to why the 'relationship minded' guys want to know if I would marry again and why the guys who aren't looking for a relationship would be scared of me, so to speak. The one guy I was the most crazy about told me he wished he could put me on a shelf and save me for when he was ready, then basically went about his way but still tries to see if I'm still simmering on the back burner, as recently as this morning actually. I don't know. I think the marriage question that early is odd. I never know exactly what to make of it either. I always say that I wouldn't rule it out but it's not a focus of mine. I don't want to marry a guy so he could potentially take 1/2 my money! LOL Sorry, couldn't help it I'm snarky today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) That's exactly what I answer about the marriage too, and that's how I feel. I've been married for a pretty long time before (almost my entire adult life until now), I don't look for marriage as a goal, but only if it's really amazing, and, like you say, I have a lot to lose in a divorce as well, to sound like the "bitter men brigade" LOL But my impression is that the guys who ask that are those who are scared of marriage/don't want to do it and want to run away from "husband shoppers". Actually, mine don't ask me like "would you marry again", but "are you looking to get married again". It's a difference ) Edited May 13, 2013 by BluEyeL Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I have a lot to lose in a divorce as well I thought what you brought into a marriage and owned previously remained yours even after divorce. Is it different in your state? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 I thought what you brought into a marriage and owned previously remained yours even after divorce. Is it different in your state? No idea, really. But the idea is that I don't have a different situation than one of a man, I have a job and I pay my mortgage. If you marry someone and own a house together, don't live in the one I live in now, we'd need to split the assets. But most what I have to lose is my independence, which I value a lot. Plus my son is 11yo, not sure I want a step daddy for him, I like to be in control of his education/discipline etc. I mean, if it's a great guy, yes, but it's not like my life goal is to get married no matter what. There are considerations and things to be lost/adjusted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Updating this thread. I slowed way down with dating and I now care waaay less and I'm much much less anxious. I'm also able to filter out better. I have now in my inbox two guys who emailed for one week or so, they went past 7 messages or so and didn't ask for a phone number or asked for a date, didn't progress much. If I was to act like I did in the past, I'd keep it going on. Now I stopped responding to both these guys messages, not going to waste more time, they don't seem all that interested. BUT, there is a but... I do have a date next Saturday that I'm very excited about. For now this is fantasy, but I'm really hopeful about this guy, more excited than I've been in some time. I really like how he is writing, he seems so nice, so intelligent, and we have similar ideas on different topics. He showed very high interest, emailed once a day, progressed nicely, asked for phone number, calls when he says... He lives 2h away. He called twice already. Problem is, he only has a high school education and doesn't have what we call a "career", has a job and all.... I never answered to someone without a Bachelor's degree, but my experience with highly educated people who were not so nice, plus after writing here on the forum back and forth with people without higher education that are both nice, good people, and very intelligent, made me look at this differently and discount formal education based on the other qualities I've seen. I'm still worried in principle if someone without higher education would be comfortable being in a relationship with me, but I'd give this a try and see. I hope I didn't put my hopes high just to be crushed next Sat, but that's always the danger. I'm also worried that it seems that this will be a long date, and the advice books I read don't recommend long dates. But when someone is driving 2h to see me, I don't really think I can tell him we have to keep it short and kick him after 1 or 2h. Don't know how to go about the length. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Green Light Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I never answered to someone without a Bachelor's degree, but my experience with highly educated people who were not so nice, plus after writing here on the forum back and forth with people without higher education that are both nice, good people, and very intelligent, made me look at this differently and discount formal education based on the other qualities I've seen. Good for you! I think this is wise. Sometimes "educated" people can get snobby about it(not you) and they miss some very intelligent and quality people because of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Good for you! I think this is wise. Sometimes "educated" people can get snobby about it(not you) and they miss some very intelligent and quality people because of it. If things will work out with this guy or someone else without a formal education, my family will throw a big fit, don't even want to think about it. Good thing they live in Europe ) Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Can you meet halfway? Anything interesting to see or do at the hour mark? Might be a good reference point for future trips. Join AAA. I prefer long dates with "hot prospects" because you get to know if your energy and his are compatible. I dated someone who was great "on paper" but when we met and spent the day together, he really irritated and exhausted me. We are still friends and have spoken a few times since but I get irritated and exhausted from his phone calls. He never shuts up. If this guy is successful and happy in his work, then his education doesn't matter. If you find it difficult in terms of "frame of reference" and interests, then it could be a problem. Depends on how secure he is. He might be someone good for FWB if you alternate weekends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 For the first date, it's OK for him to make the trip. And maybe you are right and maybe it's OK to have a long one to see if we really tolerate each other. I don't think I'd use this one as a FWB. If it works and we click, I see him as LTR potential, and the fact that he doesn't have a career that is highly specialized (he manages a store), or kids/family, makes him movable. I'm not movable. But not getting ahead of myself. It might be a fail, at this stage it is just fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Your stories are not all that odd, I'm sad to say. I'm doing my own OLD this summer because I am just looking to attempt to find someone, but I know that no matter what the situation is (even if he was/is perfect) because it's OLD it won't work other than a drink or a meal. Depressing? Yes it is, but I guess I'm bored. Somewhere out there, people meet online and have a happy relationship or something good unfold, but I have met only two couples (one together now for about 9 months, the other two married) who did that successfully. Save for another I met about 10 years ago who I am still Facebook friends with and have great respect for, but we were not right for one another so he is my friend (although we are not close these days). You lived, you learned, and you'll move on like the rest of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Sukar7 Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 This thread is terribly depressing (and super discouraging) to me... I just started OLD 2 months ago for the very first time... I've already met the super great guy (BlueEye's #1) but he wasn't into me (working on getting over that one) Now what?? From the trend in this thread, OLD is a dead-end, so what do I do (late 40's, slender, fit, shy, home-body intellectual type) to meet a worthy man? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 This thread is terribly depressing (and super discouraging) to me... I just started OLD 2 months ago for the very first time... I've already met the super great guy (BlueEye's #1) but he wasn't into me (working on getting over that one) Now what?? From the trend in this thread, OLD is a dead-end, so what do I do (late 40's, slender, fit, shy, home-body intellectual type) to meet a worthy man? You just keep at it. I started OLD at 43, did it for seven years. (Oddly, I am slender, fit, two college degrees and love to stay at home and putz around - in the garden, with the pets, etc). Expand your social circles in any way you can. Don't give up hope. Don't obsess or feel like your life is not complete without someone else in it. It's just icing on the cake when that person comes along. (Now, I gotta add I didn't meet my husband of 23 days now via OLD, it was when I gave it all up that it happened). Hang in there and best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 This thread is terribly depressing (and super discouraging) to me... I just started OLD 2 months ago for the very first time... I've already met the super great guy (BlueEye's #1) but he wasn't into me (working on getting over that one) Now what?? From the trend in this thread, OLD is a dead-end, so what do I do (late 40's, slender, fit, shy, home-body intellectual type) to meet a worthy man? You are depressing me more by observing how depressing my situation is :laugh: It is very very hard. What you need to do is to train yourself to care less because this can go on for years!!!! All of a sudden stopped caring about a week ago. It seems to be permanent. I didn't give up on no1 completely until now, it's 5 months after I first met him. He rejected me nicely ('you deserve the best of men"), I rejected him back ("sure, thanks, I don't have any romantic feelings for you, but we can keep emailing about the kids if you need anything"--big lie of my part, I don't have feelings- baloney LOL); he says 24h later "yes, let's do some activities together, play tennis for example"-I say sure let me know; nothing; I send him camp info for the kids; he replies blah blah and let's do something together; I say yes, let me know; nothing; I tell him about a movie we were gonna see together but we didn't "the critics were wrong, I say, I liked it, you were right"; he replies "I knew you'll like it you make me smile"; I answer with a couple of funny stories; He says "you are funny; i read your message several times and laughed; you brightened my day love your humor ;)". Puts lots of ;). But never initiates. so basically I'm chasing him, he is kinda flirty; I think he's doing that hoping I'll chase him in lingerie That last one was the last message I initiated, I won't initiate another. I've done enough and too much already. I had some kind of plan/system in doing that but now it should either bear some fruits within a few weeks or...I think I'm finally bored of chasing him Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 The problem is you think and hope you're going to bear fruit, only to find it's a NUT tree! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 The problem is you think and hope you're going to bear fruit, only to find it's a NUT tree! LOL LOL I know that perfectly My horoscope said I'll find love in June, we are getting close. If not true, f*** astrology:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Ha, just looked at the calendar, my next date is June 1st. I'm telling you, this is the one Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Ha, just looked at the calendar, my next date is June 1st. I'm telling you, this is the one Hey, my last first date was June 2nd a year ago! You may be right! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Hey, my last first date was June 2nd a year ago! You may be right! You and I, ever the optimists!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 29, 2013 Author Share Posted May 29, 2013 I've been to a meetup tonight. For people over 40. Lucky me, I'm just 41:p, I got hit on by a reasonably attractive guy (not crazy attractive, but probably the most attractive there, since most were very unattractive), talked to me all night, and at the end he "showed me" how to put music on my phone, and while doing that entered his phone number in my phone and called himself "if I don't mind". Smooth Sent me "good to see you" when I got home. We'll see if he follows up In the meantime still quite excited about the date on Sat. I like being single these days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 I will always be an OLD skeptic. Too much game-playing and lying going on. Last year I messaged a girl who on her profile listed herself as 28 and lived the city. I looked at OLD again recently and she came up in my search results. She has a new profile up (new handle and new pictures). She's now 31 (I guess she aged 3 years in 1 year?) and lives outside the city. Huh? It's things like this that make me think there are some real crazies out there and there's no point in dating. Link to post Share on other sites
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