Four months of OLD-summary

[BluEyeL]

What this man said! Be yourself, take your time.

 

 

Did I mention my man has six brothers?

 

Thanks Wow, six brothers!! I'm in the Midwest as well, send the best one my way!

[MidwestUSA]

Thanks Wow, six brothers!! I'm in the Midwest as well, send the best one my way!

 

LOL, I took him!

[BluEyeL]

LOL, I took him!

Gosh dang it!

[BluEyeL]

So update and question.

Because outsidethebox was so kind to comment on me being friendly (Thanks!), and becasue guy#4 on my list seemed shy and he is still poking around but not making any moves, I decided to show more of my friendliness to him (I'm afraid I was kinda stiff/tough with him) and send him a friendly text this morning. I complimented him and said that although it seems that we won't date, I thought he deserved that compliment. To this he replied with a compliment back and said he hopes this doesn't stop here right? And that he was hoping I'd tell him to come back for dinner this Saturday night?

 

And now my question. Guy#7 I met last Friday, nice but not significant connection, wrote on Sunday that he would like to go out with me this weekend again. I said yes (I'd give it a try) and proposed Saturday, to which he didn't reply since Sunday evening. He sent a text on Tu with no confirmation about this Saturday.

 

Now my question is, should I tell #4 yes for Saturday or keep waiting for #7? Maybe #7 thinks we are on for Saturday, he's not a great communicator, based on how the set up for the first date went. I like #4 much more than #7, although he is from Pakistan

[CryForNoOne]

My experience with OLD is that it isn't the most healthful way to meet people.

 

Things tend to happen either not at all, or very quickly. Two people meet, and either (a) there is no second date due to one person not feeling "chemistry", or (b) they embark on this intense insta-relationship, which usually fizzles out (or crashes and burns) when one person gets sick of the other, but which sometimes actually becomes a LTR. You'll usually either be sleeping with the person by the end of the second date or you won't see them again after the first date.

 

There isn't a lot of giving things a chance, getting to know someone. There are too many options and not enough time for that. Often a "good" first date isn't enough to get a second, there often has to be fireworks and butterflies.

 

However, if done right it can land you a consistent stream of dates, which is worth something.

 

This describes my OLD experience verbatim. I'm currently in the midsts of trying to recover and form a real relationship with a girl where things got too intense on the second date and we did "crash and burn". But if it works out, then it's an OLD success story so we'll see...

[CryForNoOne]

You seem like a down to earth women who doesn't have over the moon expectations. The problem is that there are too few genuine people online. Most women complain that the men only want sex and most men complain that they can't get a date from a woman online who he knows he could get a date with IRL. So where's the disconnect comming from?

 

IME women who use OLD fall into roughly 3 categories: 1) Uber picky 2) Rebounding 3)Genuine (most rare, you seem to fit into this category). If I had to guess at men from what I've read it would be 1) Only wants sex 2) Can't meet women IRL. 3) Genuine (most rare again).

 

I'm an optimist and I think folks are too jaded about OLD - especially the people on it. It's a system that is setup to disappoint in many respects but then people form very unfair opinions about the other gender. I believe most people are "genuine" and the freaks, losers, cheaters, and rebounders are the exception and not the norm. The problem is the intensity of it all: too many options for women, too many messages from men, too many dates in a short timeframe - just as imajerk17 described - it creates a very unnatural dating dynamic. We all know guys look for sex earlier than women. But then mix in that the guy knows he's competing against umpteen other men and he feels the pressure to "seal the deal" and get her hooked whereas in a more relaxed dating situation he might take things slower. I know I had several first dates that went reasonable well and would have resulted in a second date if we met first IRL, but because we meet online, either I was her second option or vice versa. So no second date... That happens enough times and you start getting more aggressive even if you are "the nice guy".

 

Men also get frustrated by the low response rates so many decent guys resort to spamming because its just not worth the effort to write thoughtful messages - I personally disagree with this but I also could see myself drawing that conclusion. Then compounding that further, the men who get frustrated but don't quit often lower their standards i.e. start messaging women beneath what they are accustomed to IRL. I know if I did that, there would be an inclination to view those women as "good just a for a hookup". That's male human nature. So this "race to the bottom" leaves women with a bunch of guys who only seem to be after sex...

 

As for women, having more options than IRL, leads to its own set of problems. Many of the guys who wrote those long thoughtful messages are actually extremely needy and desperate. Considering how low response rates are, how many hours are they online before they reel one in? Think about it... I read the horror stories here all the time. Many of the really attractive men, the ones women tend to choose when picking from soo many choices, are players. I personally know a few guys who use OKC as a infinite well of hookups. They have multiple coffee dates every week to screen but after it all, quite possibly sleep with 50+ women a year. If you just think about the numbers, it means hundreds of women are putting out for a handful of guys. Then a whole bunch of "nice guys" are standing on the sidelines scratching their heads thinking WTF can I do to get one good date. It's the bar scene on steroids but even more cruel and callous.

[BluEyeL]

You started encouraging, but then ended in a very depressing way

 

Since nobody answered my earlier question, I just said yes to #4.

[BluEyeL]

I was wondering if I would have given a chance to my ex husband, with whom I've been in a good relationship for about 20 years, if I met him online. He pursued me for three months until we went on an official date, and I didn't find him attractive at first at all, but later fell in love and although we divorced, I don't have bad things to say about him. We parted as friends (we have no contact because I don't think it's appropriate), divorce cost $200. And from his side, to date, he still maintains that I'm the greatest woman on Earth. Hope he doesn't tell that to his current or future girlfriends I think I might have not given him a second date if we've met online...

[CryForNoOne]

I was wondering if I would have given a chance to my ex husband, with whom I've been in a good relationship for about 20 years, if I met him online. He pursued me for three months until we went on an official date, and I didn't find him attractive at first at all, but later fell in love and although we divorced, I don't have bad things to say about him. We parted as friends (we have no contact because I don't think it's appropriate), divorce cost $200. And from his side, to date, he still maintains that m the greatest woman on Earth. Hope he doesn't tell that to his current or future girlfriends I think I might have not given him a second date if we've met online...

 

Precisely. That was kinda my point. Blame the system not the people on there. But understanding that might lead to you not writing off every single guy who doesn't make sparks fly. That said, don't do anything stupid...

[BluEyeL]

No, I won't do anything stupid My approach is this: if the person doesn't repulse me (which is a deal breaker), then I think I'd like to focus on getting to know them as people, and I'm pretty sure that if we are compatible in other ways, attraction from my side will come. If we are not compatible, it could be Bradley Cooper, it wouldn't help. But with OLD you cannot really let the friendship develop, it's hard to reach that...

[MidwestUSA]

You started encouraging, but then ended in a very depressing way

 

Since nobody answered my earlier question, I just said yes to #4.

 

I didn't answer because you seem like a decisive person who knows what "feels right" (in addition to knowing what IS right). You will end up using your gut intuition a lot during this process. Trust it!

[ja123]

You have to figure out where to spend your time on OLD in order to figure out how to weed out the trash...

 

 

Great story, Art! I'm glad it worked out for you.

 

So tell us a little more about your OLD approach. Where to spend time on OLD?

[outsidethebox]

So update and question.

Because outsidethebox was so kind to comment on me being friendly (Thanks!), and becasue guy#4 on my list seemed shy and he is still poking around but not making any moves, I decided to show more of my friendliness to him (I'm afraid I was kinda stiff/tough with him) and send him a friendly text this morning. I complimented him and said that although it seems that we won't date, I thought he deserved that compliment. To this he replied with a compliment back and said he hopes this doesn't stop here right? And that he was hoping I'd tell him to come back for dinner this Saturday night?

 

And now my question. Guy#7 I met last Friday, nice but not significant connection, wrote on Sunday that he would like to go out with me this weekend again. I said yes (I'd give it a try) and proposed Saturday, to which he didn't reply since Sunday evening. He sent a text on Tu with no confirmation about this Saturday.

 

Now my question is, should I tell #4 yes for Saturday or keep waiting for #7? Maybe #7 thinks we are on for Saturday, he's not a great communicator, based on how the set up for the first date went. I like #4 much more than #7, although he is from Pakistan

 

This is uncomfortably close to The Dating Game, but I may be dating myself in saying that. So to speak.

 

It's Thursday late and latest post indicated no answer yet. If nothing else, details like time and place would have needed to be agreed upon by now for Saturday. I would have suggested after Tuesday's email from him to include in response "did you have something in mind yet for Saturday?".

 

Since you'd like to know, I would still send him that question now but you'd probably have to postpone seeing the other guy at this late date waiting around for this other guy. Or better imo is to say yes to the other guy and send a note to this guy saying you have plans for this Saturday but up for another date with him.

 

One of these days I might put some of this stuff into practice.

 

[Edit: ahhh, scanned the posts again and see you said yes to the other guy. Makes sense.]

[BluEyeL]

Thanks for taking the time to answer IMHO, both guys have moderate or low interest in me, so I don't hold my breath. But I'll practice some dating techniques with #4 . I like him, he is funny and sweet, but he texts infrequently, he never dissapears completely, but his interest is not high, he seems on the fence. Kept suggesting I should meet him when I'm in his area. I don't go for lazy stuff like that lol I'll see how I work it, it's more of a challenge now to see if I can take him from moderate/low to high or higher ) If not working, I'll learn something anyway and practice for the future

 

No 7 didn't show interest judging from his body language on the date on Friday, but I encouraged him to talk about himself, while I kept myself from babbling, and his eyes kept lighting up more and more and he obviously had a good time (while I was slightly bored lol) . I guess that's why he sent that email saying he'd like to meet me again, but since his interest level is actually low, he didn't follow through. If he sends any message on Saturday I'll say so sorry, you did not confirm, so i made other plans. I think that's fair. It's nothing there anyway.

Edited April 19, 2013 by BluEyeL

[BluEyeL]

So I texted #7 and told him that since I haven't heard from him, I made other plans for tomorrow, I hope I assumed correctly that he couldn't make it. He replied that he actually was planning to meet (but didn't give a time???). I told him sorry about that, we can reschedule if you want, maybe with firm date/time. Let's see what he says (if), but I don't like it, you have to give me day/time, right? I need to get a babysitter, I meet with my friends every Sat even if I don't have a date, I have stuff...you cannot "pop in" at any time.

[SunsetRed]

I deleted my acct as well. It just wasn't worth the time and expense. The paid accts were just as bad as the free ones.

 

90% of the time, I met men who were literally looking for a second income or someone to split their rent with. That's why they had the push for such a quick commitment.

 

The last OLD I met sent me an email (after one month of dating) telling me what his income ($120,000) and net worth were and asked me to live w him.

 

In the next paragraph of his email he said "if you don't want to live together as partners, would you consider renting a room from me and being a housemate? My cash flow is going to be a little negative for the next few months."

 

I'm done w OLD.

[outsidethebox]

If he sends any message on Saturday I'll say so sorry, you did not confirm, so i made other plans.

 

Personally I would stick with my suggestion of "have made plans, but up for another date."

 

Do these guys really deserve having their interest level ramped up? No, but interesting to think about.

 

[Edit: wow, again you've already done it. I'm going to have to read to the end before commenting. I've never been able to restrain myself long enough to do that.]

Edited April 20, 2013 by outsidethebox

[outsidethebox]

I deleted my acct as well. It just wasn't worth the time and expense. The paid accts were just as bad as the free ones.

 

90% of the time, I met men who were literally looking for a second income or someone to split their rent with. That's why they had the push for such a quick commitment.

 

The last OLD I met sent me an email (after one month of dating) telling me what his income ($120,000) and net worth were and asked me to live w him.

 

In the next paragraph of his email he said "if you don't want to live together as partners, would you consider renting a room from me and being a housemate? My cash flow is going to be a little negative for the next few months."

 

I'm done w OLD.

 

This is interesting but quite a bit different from most of the other posts. Hadn't thought about guys looking primarily for someone to split costs with.

[curlygirl40]

So on Friday, I'll have a friend of a friend come to my house to look at my floors and subsequently help me by laying tile (I'll pay him of course).

 

So your thread just kind of took off and I'm just now catching up.

 

I just have to say that I wish you told us that this guy was coming to lay hard wood instead of tile because that would have been much more entertaining and I could have had some comebacks for that!! LOL

 

What ever happened with this guy?

 

And I am agreeing with outsidethebox about your personality AND I have noticed by the advice that you've been giving to others flailing about that you seem to be kind of coming into your own with this dating thing. Good for you!!

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

[BluEyeL]

I deleted my acct as well. It just wasn't worth the time and expense. The paid accts were just as bad as the free ones.

 

90% of the time, I met men who were literally looking for a second income or someone to split their rent with. That's why they had the push for such a quick commitment.

 

The last OLD I met sent me an email (after one month of dating) telling me what his income ($120,000) and net worth were and asked me to live w him.

 

In the next paragraph of his email he said "if you don't want to live together as partners, would you consider renting a room from me and being a housemate? My cash flow is going to be a little negative for the next few months."

 

I'm done w OLD.

 

That's strange. Really? Everyone wants to move in? Wow! Stay away from the crazies and good luck in general.

[BluEyeL]

So your thread just kind of took off and I'm just now catching up.

 

 

 

What ever happened with this guy?

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

 

So he came around 6pm today. He looked (at the "situation":p) and told me he cannot lay tile for me, because the area is too big and there are too many places that he would need to cut to slip tile under (pantry, bathroom etc), and it would take too long to do it (several weekends) and is not feasible to be done by him, need a professional blah blah blah blah. But he measured and did a sketch of the area and told me he'll send one of his friends to do it professionally, tell me the area and how much it'll cost. I wonder why did he have to come to tell me he can't do it. I think even Clark (his name) actually rejected me

 

And Curlygirl, thanks, I like you and midwest, and outsidethebox, and a few others as well I feel good now with the dating because I'm not on match anymore, funny. It was too much, but I'll be back, stay tuned LOL

[BluEyeL]

Personally I would stick with my suggestion of "have made plans, but up for another date."

 

Do these guys really deserve having their interest level ramped up? No, but interesting to think about.

 

[Edit: wow, again you've already done it. I'm going to have to read to the end before commenting. I've never been able to restrain myself long enough to do that.]

 

So #7 replied: omg, don't worry blah blah blah, don't even think about it, let's reschedule, I'll be there date/time, he straightened up LOL. So we are going out on Sunday. It'll have to be a chain restaurant because the others are closed.

 

These two guys are nice/normal guys, who didn't come out with the sex, were not disrespectful and were rather reasonable and not crazy, although they have some flaws (lazy, both of them, one has dogs, and one is a Muslim lol). They deserve to have a chance to have their interest piqued, should be fun for everyone if that happens, right? LOL And I deserve to gain some experience and possibly like one of them more, who knows? If no, it should still be enjoyable. #4 is travelling for 3wks anyway, so we'll see.

 

I said on another thread, I ran into my #1 today at lunch time. He stopped and said HELLO, I waved and walked by, didn't stop What did I ever see in this one? He just looks old and I felt like I was in high school... jeez

[BluEyeL]

 

I guess its just something you have to try to have fun with and not take seriously AT ALL. And always temper your enthusiasm.

 

This is seriously good advice, thanks

 

The rest...you and I couldn't be more different, so I guess we can't really compare notes LOL Good luck with your situation now, hope you find something that works for you. I'm learning from your thread.

Edited April 20, 2013 by BluEyeL

[BluEyeL]

So I've been on the date with #4. Man, I made an effort, couldn't find the right buttons for a while, but finally hit some good topics

 

He's going to Africa on Friday for 3 weeks. He texted after the date "next time I'll not park in that garage, it ate 20$. it was nice to see you". I said sorry about that, nice too see you too. he said "will I see you when I come back?" I said "if you want to, yes". I like this one. We'll see about #7 tomorrow and these are all the eligible ones i had in my queue before I closed the profile.

 

A guy called me earlier today, but he's separated and he complained a lot about how hard life is, he is sad, so I cut him off after 15 min. Feel sorry for him, I thought to text him and tell him that he is definitely not dateable, not in this mental state, but he can call me to talk if he wants. I do that type of stuff, therapy with people I don't know. I talked to a friend of a friend yesterday, never met her, is the second time she has a "pro bono therapy session" with me (I'm not a therapist, I'm an Engineering Professor), she's going through a divorce. She is thinking to visit me here in Indiana (she is from connecticut) so I can be her therapist for a week. Should I provide therapy to that guy? Feel sorry for him. It's a rhetorical question, not really looking for an answer, more like journaling here.

Edited April 21, 2013 by BluEyeL

[MidwestUSA]

I used to give the really negative guys a chance, hoping they just needed to vent and would be better for it afterward. It never happened. You're an angel to let someone use your shoulder that way.

 

My fiancé and five of six brothers lay tile, LOL!