Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 I used to give the really negative guys a chance, hoping they just needed to vent and would be better for it afterward. It never happened. You're an angel to let someone use your shoulder that way. My fiancé and five of six brothers lay tile, LOL! I decided to refrain from being an angel. I'll keep that shoulder just for select people. Feel sorry for the guy....but I can't save the world. Your fiancee and his six brothers are almost too good to be true Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted April 21, 2013 Share Posted April 21, 2013 A guy called me earlier today, but he's separated and he complained a lot about how hard life is, he is sad, so I cut him off after 15 min. Feel sorry for him, I thought to text him and tell him that he is definitely not dateable, not in this mental state, but he can call me to talk if he wants. I do that type of stuff, therapy with people I don't know. I talked to a friend of a friend yesterday, never met her, is the second time she has a "pro bono therapy session" with me (I'm not a therapist, I'm an Engineering Professor), she's going through a divorce. She is thinking to visit me here in Indiana (she is from connecticut) so I can be her therapist for a week. Should I provide therapy to that guy? Feel sorry for him. It's a rhetorical question, not really looking for an answer, more like journaling here. I've played this role myself too moreso in the beginning of my journey. When I was newly separated/divorced I didn't want to be in a serious relationship either so when I met a guy who was also newly separated/divorced it was like we had something in common and would vent to each other. In 2 of those cases I became great friends with these guys but then later fell in love with them through that connection and it wasn't good for anybody. So heed that warning! Therapists aren't allowed to fall in love with their patients!! lol Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted April 21, 2013 Share Posted April 21, 2013 I decided to refrain from being an angel. I'll keep that shoulder just for select people. Feel sorry for the guy....but I can't save the world. Your fiancee and his six brothers are almost too good to be true Ya Midwest needs to learn to share. Wonder if she needs bridesmaids for that wedding. lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 When I went through my first little post-separation dating stint, I had a very firm policy about not talking about my W, my separation or how crappy things were. But girls would always fish it out of me, and I would catch myself ranting and change the subject. 5 minutes later, we were right back to talking about it. I really tried not to. I was going out to do something other than think about it, but it was an unavoidable topic. I didn't fish it out of him, he just started with that right off the bat, first sentence. "You know, you also went through a divorce, so I'm separated right now and...". I understand what you're saying, not blaming him, but not a good state to date. I didn't start dating until I thought I was completely mentally sound. And he lives in IL, 2h away, so not a good prospect. I liked his picture, had intelligent eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 Ya Midwest needs to learn to share. Wonder if she needs bridesmaids for that wedding. lol Good point, good point Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 So heed that warning! Therapists aren't allowed to fall in love with their patients!! lol It's called "transfer" LOL I'll stick to my own gender for that reason ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 No, I'm sure you didn't have to instigate at all. The problem is, as you know, when its fresh, ot just bubbles right under the surface constantly. I had a policy because I knew it was a buzzkill, but I can definitely see how a guy in that position would be chomping at the bit to talk about it. I know, I understand.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
outsidethebox Posted April 21, 2013 Share Posted April 21, 2013 That's the therapist in you talking... Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 21, 2013 Share Posted April 21, 2013 Ya Midwest needs to learn to share. Wonder if she needs bridesmaids for that wedding. lol Now I'm laughing! Considering it's two weeks off, and I have no clue what I'm going to wear, much less outfitting anyone else. But I appreciate the hint. Yes, they sound too good to be true, and in fact the ones that aren't taken have some flaws (heck, the taken ones have flaws!) Seven brothers ranging in age from 45 to 59; they do play hard, fight hard and love intensely! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 You don't know whatcha gonna wear at your own wedding?? Hurry up and make up your mind, girl If the ones that are not taken play hard and love intensely, I don't want them anymore Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 I'm leaning towards boring/shy men as of late as I'm trying hard not to get hurt. Although thinking of the date last evening, last night it felt like, heck, I'm so brilliant, but in the morning I felt I had to work too hard. Not like in "the rules", where they say you just need to sit back and don't say anything, don't fill the silence... And I'll have to repeat that hard work tonite again :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 BB, yes, I'm in West Lafayette, but didn't you just hear me say that I am trying not to get hurt, which precisely includes not getting involved with guys that will put me in danger of peeing my pants? I like you as a frenemy though, and I suspect you are exaggerating with the power you have over women Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) Yeah, I'm at Purdue. But not gonna meet up with you, dude, I like the mystery better. Edited April 21, 2013 by BluEyeL Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 22, 2013 Author Share Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) So my diary here:D I've been on the date with #7. He has a good personality, funny, open, I think his personality is pretty similar to mine actually. I made less effort than last night with #4, #7 was able to carry the conversation better. I ended the night pretty early, as per my rules, so this was pretty good. We'll see if either one goes further. They are not communicating as often as the "books" say, so I'm still not sure of their interest level. Edited April 22, 2013 by BluEyeL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 22, 2013 Author Share Posted April 22, 2013 Now I have a question, what should I do if both of them ask for date 3? They both asked and got the impression that they meant it, but one is out of the country for a while with the other we said we'll set it up. When do I have to choose? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 22, 2013 Author Share Posted April 22, 2013 In other words, generally speaking, up to what date number is OK/fair to date in parallel (no sex)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 22, 2013 Author Share Posted April 22, 2013 I guess my English level is not up to par, as I didn't understand everything you said, but I understood in general terms that you don't recommend dating guys I don't feel strong attraction for, like these two. I'm actually a bit confused again about what the heck am I doing. I'll think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) So I'm updating. I've been on OKC for three days, Friday night through Monday. I closed the account because I was receiving sexual messages (e.g. DTF! and some other men who led with sex from the beginning in their emails), plus I got recognized by the 26 yo cashier at Chipotle who "hit on me", so I figured it's a matter of time until I get messages from my own students. The aftermath is this: 1. I responded to a 31 yo guy (10 yrs younger) and texted with him. After one day of exchanges it was clear that he wanted sex delivered like, same day. He ended our interaction 10 h after the "break up", with "I still want some of that". OK. Lesson learned: I should never respond to men so much younger. 2. I have four men I'm still emailing with. One straight called and asked me out, I'm going on a date next Tu (just because I didn't want to give him any time this weekend, I have time, just couldn't be bothered). Other two take it slooooow, want to teeeext, no high hopes, could be just the "pen pal" type of guys. The last one is emailing like once a day, we just exchanged 2 messages back and forth. 3. I'm extremely, extremely jaded with dating. I have no excitement left, no motivation. When I think of a relationship I started to feel that that man will bother me, disturb the peace in my house and bring unwanted changes and demands to my life, while not adding much. I feel like I can't wait to "finish" things with these 4 so I can get back to reading my novels and enoying the summer. Semester is over, pace is slower, I'm sitting in cafes with my laptop and Kindle, still some work to do, but not too intense. I know these feelings would change if I met someone I fell in love with, and maybe it's still the aftermath after #1, I was really excited about that one. Edited May 1, 2013 by BluEyeL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Well, there are definitely phases with dating. I, too, got pretty jaded about it all at times. And I could tell some of the guys I went out with had too. One was so lacking in enthusiasm that he called me while driving to meet me (second date) and begged off with a "migraine". Called him the next day just to see how he was doing, no answer and never heard from him again. I think it's good to take a break from it. The end result is not worth the game at this point. Just enjoy life and your time off. That's exactly what I was doing when the magic happened. I will say that OLD did one thing for me - it gave me some pretty clear definitions of what I WASN'T looking for! Sadly, I came to realize that there are a lot of people out there who are really screwed up. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Hey BluEyeL Trying to follow along and see how you're doing but I've been busy so I'm just catching up! I hear you with getting tired of it. I go through phases of that also. I think on line dating does it to me. Because it's not like running into an old friend or meeting someone out and knowing there's a spark and going from there. It's a process. E-mail, text, talk on the phone, brush off the sexual advances and the youngins, getting dressed up, doing my hair, hoping for the best, not sure what they are thinking, wondering if they will call, do they like me, wishing they would kiss me, doing the head bob so they don't kiss me LOL. It's exhausting! I'm taking the summer off I think. Going to enjoy the good weather and do some reading and get into meditating, get my house ready to sell next year, etc. I'm still dating my hot contractor dude very casually. What a great guy!! Just not ready for what I'm looking for, and I'm tired of looking so I'm settling for hot sex with a hot dude and only seeing him every other week to keep me from naming our babies. Don't judge me. LOL Anyhow.....I'll keep reading your thread and see where you're at. You have such a great attitude something amazing will come your way sometime. I just know it! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 Thank you for your continuous support, my friends Curlygirl, I do not judge you. Honestly, that arrangement sounds pretty good to me at this point, as long as you don't get hurt (that's the potential problem here though, so a bit worried about you). I don't think I'd be gung ho about moving in with someone, as I like to be the boss around here , so something like that, casual, but monogamous and somewhat caring would be a good solution, theoretically, at least for me. If I found a guy that I'd like to do that with, and he'd like to do it with me as well (as opposed to the hit it and quit it), I'd be pretty OK with it. I don't know how you can do the prolonged dating. I feel absolutely drained, 100%. It is artificial, as you said. Oh well...I'll keep updating when I have news 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) So update. Tonight I'm going out for drinks. Don't ask with who....anyway, this not why I'm writing. I talked on the phone last night with one of the guys from OKC, the one that pursued me relenlessly via email. On the phone it was so-so, I didn't like that he talked about his ex and criticized a former date he had. I mean, maybe he's right, but this didn't sit well with me. I said I'll go out with him not this weekend, the following weekend. He texted after the conversation said he will text me to arrange the next call. I said thanks, and thought he'd call me like next week or something and just email/text in the meantime. But he just texted me that he will call me tonight. Isn't this too much? Now call me every day?? I feel smothered. Don't know what to tell him. I don't want to spend every evening on the phone with him, really. Also I keep bumping into #1, yesterday he was in my neighbourhood at the soccer fields, and I was biking. When I passed him, he was with his back at me but he turned and said hello, it looked like he saw me coming. That's just a random fact. I didn't know he would be there, next Wed I'll not bike that route. Edited May 2, 2013 by BluEyeL Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 But he just texted me that he will call me tonight. Isn't this too much? Now call me every day?? I feel smothered. If it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work for you. People have different communication 'requirements'. We get threads here along the lines of "he only calls me once or twice a week, does that mean he isn't interested?" or "he only calls to set up the next date, does that mean he isn't interested?"... so at least you can probably assume that he is interested! Sounds like he wants to talk to you. If you don't want the same thing then don't leave it to his telepathy, as this is an underdeveloped trait in men, and let him know by some other method. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 That was the question, how do I communicate this without offending him. He is interested, but at this point, it doesn't really mean anything, since we haven't met. The others who say "he only calls once or twice a week" are already dating. I can invest more time in someone I date of course, but at this point, we need to meet, and just keep in contact in a less time consuming manner until then. I suggested this in my emails, but most likely I was too subtle and he didn't get it. Anyway, for now, I told him that tonight won't work for me, but we can talk tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 don't leave it to his telepathy, as this is an underdeveloped trait in men, and let him know by some other method. For some reason, I really really like the way you put that. :-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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