Consolidated discussion - "Leagues"

[ScreamingTrees]

Listen I have no idea what you've been through. But I have been rejected every way I can possibly think of. Not only romantically.

 

But romantically I put myself out there a lot more than most people. I hear guys complaining 20 women rejected them. Well they've only asked out 25 in their ENTIRE lives.

 

Basic math people. The more you as the greater your change for success.

 

The main reason I had to grow balls and ask guys out was because I like my men shy. Sweet and shy and preferably bearded. They dont come up to me.

 

The ones who come up to me stare at my tits or ass and ask me what kinda music Im into....... No thanks.

 

That's it, I'll have to just mindlessly hit on a large number of girls this year. Doesn't matter if I get instantly rejected every time, it'll build up my "dating skills".. somehow.. Hrm..

[KungFuJoe]

Both.

 

I look primarily white and am only 5'6. My face and body is average. My height is a big handicap.

 

Add to that me not knowing how to talk to a woman in a way that makes them want to be anything other than my friend and you end up with a 31 year old guy who has never had a GF.

 

Just to make things even more screwed up, throw in some depression, which only gets worse with my failures and you got a recipe for disaster. I just have too many negatives going on for me that I'm not able to overcome no matter how much I struggle.

 

I used to have a friend back when I was playing basketball for some filipino leagues. His name was Oscar. He was a real cool guy. Couldn't play for **** but everyone liked him cuz he was a genuinely nice guy. Sometimes he was hard to understand cuz he still had a thick filipino accent. He also looked like he was fresh off the boat...know what I mean? The clothes he wore, how he spoke, his hair.

 

This guy would literally hit on ANYTHING that walked. I went to some hole in the wall burger joint...he hit on the waitress. She flat turned him down. We went to a club (Moose's in Long Beach back when it was still around). You know how girls like to dance in a circle? He loved to jump in the middle and start dancing (and he couldn't dance for ****). Most of the time, they would just laugh and shove him out. This guy just did not give a ****. BUT, he did not give a **** in a harmless and...I have to admit...kinda cool way. It was something else seeing this guy who looked like he belonged in the jungle with an AK47 strapped around his side just mingle with every girl that passed his way.

 

And believe it or not...usually by the end of the night...he found someone to dance with.

 

You know what the difference between you and him is? When he got rejected...it didn't phase him...not ONE bit. You could even say he was a bit "dumb". I would cringe sometimes at his antics and how some of the girls would respond (in a not so nice way), but I have to admit, I was pretty jealous of the way he could just walk up and do what he did while I was too scared to even approach a girl.

 

I don't care how short or unattractive you think you are. I guarantee you are better looking than he was. And this guy would say the CORNIEST ****. Oh man...I still remember him walking up to that Mexican girl at the burger stand and just looking at her and saying, in his thick filipino accent..."Hey, beautiful...can I call you sometime?" I forgot what she said (it's been a long time) but he just walked away like nothing happened.

 

I think the problem that you and a lot of other guys on this site (and myself included when I first started dating) is that we are SOOOO afraid of rejection that we actually semi-expect to get rejected. And when it does happen, it KILLS us. It confirms how ugly and unattractive and worthless we are. And we dwell and dwell and stress and stress. And all the while, someone like Oscar, who is getting rejected left and right is sound asleep at night with not a worry in the world.

 

I have a theory on the guys of LS that I might start a discussion on later, but I think most of us are "different" than the general public. The women, too...but in a different way. Think about it. How many people do you know in real life that are on a online forum talking about love, dating, relationships, etc? Most people don't give as much of a **** to spend hours upon hours on here looking for advice on every single tiny aspect of dating.

 

I think we are different. We are "thinkers". A lot of us probably have OCD like tendencies. Probably have messed up childhoods so we NEED affection more than "normal" people.

 

I don't know if any of this helps you or not. But what I'm trying to say is...your problem is not how OTHERS view you...but how YOU view you.

[MrCastle]

I am still a nerd. But I am hot.

 

You're also humble.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I used to have a friend back when I was playing basketball for some filipino leagues. His name was Oscar. He was a real cool guy. Couldn't play for **** but everyone liked him cuz he was a genuinely nice guy. Sometimes he was hard to understand cuz he still had a thick filipino accent. He also looked like he was fresh off the boat...know what I mean? The clothes he wore, how he spoke, his hair.

 

This guy would literally hit on ANYTHING that walked. I went to some hole in the wall burger joint...he hit on the waitress. She flat turned him down. We went to a club (Moose's in Long Beach back when it was still around). You know how girls like to dance in a circle? He loved to jump in the middle and start dancing (and he couldn't dance for ****). Most of the time, they would just laugh and shove him out. This guy just did not give a ****. BUT, he did not give a **** in a harmless and...I have to admit...kinda cool way. It was something else seeing this guy who looked like he belonged in the jungle with an AK47 strapped around his side just mingle with every girl that passed his way.

 

And believe it or not...usually by the end of the night...he found someone to dance with.

 

You know what the difference between you and him is? When he got rejected...it didn't phase him...not ONE bit. You could even say he was a bit "dumb". I would cringe sometimes at his antics and how some of the girls would respond (in a not so nice way), but I have to admit, I was pretty jealous of the way he could just walk up and do what he did while I was too scared to even approach a girl.

 

I don't care how short or unattractive you think you are. I guarantee you are better looking than he was. And this guy would say the CORNIEST ****. Oh man...I still remember him walking up to that Mexican girl at the burger stand and just looking at her and saying, in his thick filipino accent..."Hey, beautiful...can I call you sometime?" I forgot what she said (it's been a long time) but he just walked away like nothing happened.

 

I think the problem that you and a lot of other guys on this site (and myself included when I first started dating) is that we are SOOOO afraid of rejection that we actually semi-expect to get rejected. And when it does happen, it KILLS us. It confirms how ugly and unattractive and worthless we are. And we dwell and dwell and stress and stress. And all the while, someone like Oscar, who is getting rejected left and right is sound asleep at night with not a worry in the world.

 

I have a theory on the guys of LS that I might start a discussion on later, but I think most of us are "different" than the general public. The women, too...but in a different way. Think about it. How many people do you know in real life that are on a online forum talking about love, dating, relationships, etc? Most people don't give as much of a **** to spend hours upon hours on here looking for advice on every single tiny aspect of dating.

 

I think we are different. We are "thinkers". A lot of us probably have OCD like tendencies. Probably have messed up childhoods so we NEED affection more than "normal" people.

 

I don't know if any of this helps you or not. But what I'm trying to say is...your problem is not how OTHERS view you...but how YOU view you.

 

Yea, but how many times did he really succeed?

 

You never said. Be honest now!

 

I have similar stories of guys like that as well and I could easily throw my own experiences in the mix. Though I could never do the goofy act. Rest assured, the results are not good.

 

Not trying to be negative, just honest. I would suggest that Somedude do some of that. But temper expectations.

[sweetkiwi]

SD I PMed you to specifically ask if everything was okay after a disturbing post of yours. Trust me, I really want to help. Or at least listen.

 

As you see here on this forum there are many open loving people who truly want to share their knowledge and in some cases wisdom. So there are people out there who will accept you.

 

I am sure that your life has left you bitter. But IME that is a CHOICE. I too have had a difficult life. And by all rights could be bitter and hate the human race.

 

But hate feels terrible. Especially self hatred.

 

I'll tell you what SD, you write me for a week online, and it'll help you communicate with women better. Im a great go between since Im a tomboy.

[sweetkiwi]

You're also humble.

 

Oh shut up before I send you a picture of my butt and make your knees go all wibbly wobbly.

 

Then you'll be singing my praises.

[MrCastle]

Oh shut up before I send you a picture of my butt and make your knees go all wibbly wobbly.

 

Then you'll be singing my praises.

 

If you mention how you have "a bubble butt" or "a big butt" in one more thread you're gonna have to show and prove

[sweetkiwi]

My butt is way outa your league.

[ThaWholigan]

My butt is way outa your league.

Its firmly placed in mine

[MrCastle]

My butt is way outa your league.

 

Yeah. It's too small.

[KungFuJoe]

Yea, but how many times did he really succeed?

 

You never said. Be honest now!

 

I have similar stories of guys like that as well and I could easily throw my own experiences in the mix. Though I could never do the goofy act. Rest assured, the results are not good.

 

Not trying to be negative, just honest. I would suggest that Somedude do some of that. But temper expectations.

 

How often did he succeed in what? Getting a number? A girlfriend? I've seen him pull numbers and I do recall him having a gf at some point in time. I was more friends with his older brother who was a teammate of mine. But we all hung out in the same circles.

 

But here's the thing. After spending almost half a year here at LS, I've learned ONE thing. You can't tell people like somedude what to do or how to act. This isn't Ryan Gosling "training" Steve Carrell in Crazy Stupid Love. That doesn't happen in real life.

 

You can say "dress better", "act more like a man"...but I have to be pretty honest...I don't think it makes a lick of difference. I used to...but in the last few days I've had sort of a "revelation" so to speak. In my 38 years of life, I've had more friends than I can count. And out of all my friends, of all shapes and sizes, of all ends of the attractiveness scale...only ONE...ONE friend has been perpetually single all these years.

 

This person was my best friend since high school. He had major mommy issues and admitted that he was unable to feel "attachment" to women due to it. But this guy wasn't a player...he wasn't doing ANYTHING. A girl could walk up to him, give him her number, tell him she liked him and to call her and he would toss the number in the trash. That's a hypothetical but not far from the truth.

 

Somedude has already mentioned he has upbringing issues. *I* had mommy issues growing up. I honestly and truly believe that somedude's problem lies deeper than just not being able to get a girl to like him. I think there is something deeper that he needs to find out about...or bring to the surface and deal with once and for all.

 

I also believe that KNOWING that your problem is not YOU per say, but your deluded perception of yourself....THAT is a big help all on its own. It helped me...a LOT.

[Mrlonelyone]

 

I also believe that KNOWING that your problem is not YOU per say, but your deluded perception of yourself....THAT is a big help all on its own. It helped me...a LOT.

 

Praise be to ALLAH! and Hallelujah someone has just realized a big part of the reaons I posted this tread.

 

It wasn't so that people could go about using it to rate everybody and then decide to date or not date based on it's number. It was a way to give guys like SD a way to know if they might be as bad looking as they seem to think they are.

 

If the answer is yes then they can work on that.

 

If the answer is no, then they can stop talking about guys who look a certain way getting dates and focus on other aspects of life.

[sweetkiwi]

Yeah. It's too small.

 

Your reverse psychology is working on me. Must. Prove. Butt. Is. Big!!!

But howww?

[MrCastle]

Your reverse psychology is working on me. Must. Prove. Butt. Is. Big!!!

But howww?

 

I only know of one way

[KungFuJoe]

Praise be to ALLAH! and Hallelujah someone has just realized a big part of the reaons I posted this tread.

 

It wasn't so that people could go about using it to rate everybody and then decide to date or not date based on it's number. It was a way to give guys like SD a way to know if they might be as bad looking as they seem to think they are.

 

If the answer is yes then they can work on that.

 

If the answer is no, then they can stop talking about guys who look a certain way getting dates and focus on other aspects of life.

 

I still think we're talking about two different things. When I said so he could know what his problem is...I meant mentally and emotionally, not physically. I don't care what number that website gives somedude. His problem is not physical, unless he has a major physical deformity. According to this location, he lives in Socal. That's where I live and there is absolutely positively no shortage of women here. Women from everywhere with all sorts of different tastes, ideals, values, etc, etc, etc.

[JuneJulySeptember]

How often did he succeed in what? Getting a number? A girlfriend? I've seen him pull numbers and I do recall him having a gf at some point in time. I was more friends with his older brother who was a teammate of mine. But we all hung out in the same circles.

 

But here's the thing. After spending almost half a year here at LS, I've learned ONE thing. You can't tell people like somedude what to do or how to act. This isn't Ryan Gosling "training" Steve Carrell in Crazy Stupid Love. That doesn't happen in real life.

 

You can say "dress better", "act more like a man"...but I have to be pretty honest...I don't think it makes a lick of difference. I used to...but in the last few days I've had sort of a "revelation" so to speak. In my 38 years of life, I've had more friends than I can count. And out of all my friends, of all shapes and sizes, of all ends of the attractiveness scale...only ONE...ONE friend has been perpetually single all these years.

 

This person was my best friend since high school. He had major mommy issues and admitted that he was unable to feel "attachment" to women due to it. But this guy wasn't a player...he wasn't doing ANYTHING. A girl could walk up to him, give him her number, tell him she liked him and to call her and he would toss the number in the trash. That's a hypothetical but not far from the truth.

 

Somedude has already mentioned he has upbringing issues. *I* had mommy issues growing up. I honestly and truly believe that somedude's problem lies deeper than just not being able to get a girl to like him. I think there is something deeper that he needs to find out about...or bring to the surface and deal with once and for all.

 

I also believe that KNOWING that your problem is not YOU per say, but your deluded perception of yourself....THAT is a big help all on its own. It helped me...a LOT.

 

I could be wrong, but I don't think it's all that complicated.

 

Guy needs to liked and have someone like him so that he'll feel accepted and attractive. Basic human needs.

 

I myself go through a lot of the same things he does.

[KungFuJoe]

I only know of one way

 

It's simple. She sends me a pic, and I validate it for you.

[KungFuJoe]

I could be wrong, but I don't think it's all that complicated.

 

Guy needs to liked and have someone like him so that he'll feel accepted and attractive. Basic human needs.

 

I myself go through a lot of the same things he does.

 

Yes, but how many guys and girls need to be liked SO much that they spend hours on an internet forum?

 

I still think that the people on this site are "different" than most people. I think it requires a specific personality type. Someone who is very introspective. ...almost to a fault.

[MrCastle]

It's simple. She sends me a pic, and I validate it for you.

 

Ahh Joe. You are as funny as you are unfunny.

[Necris]

 

I think the problem that you and a lot of other guys on this site (and myself included when I first started dating) is that we are SOOOO afraid of rejection that we actually semi-expect to get rejected. And when it does happen, it KILLS us. It confirms how ugly and unattractive and worthless we are. And we dwell and dwell and stress and stress. And all the while, someone like Oscar, who is getting rejected left and right is sound asleep at night with not a worry in the world.

 

 

Actually I don't really fear rejection, I've come to accept and expect rejection. I'm usually rejected way before I go on a date, but occasionally I'll get a date, though I never get a second date, but for me that's still an accomplishment. Rejection is still annoying though, especially if you actually get a date and you end up wasting money, energy, and time for nothing, and it doesn't really help your self-esteem when no one is attracted to you. Though one thing I sort of fear is being rejected by a friend, as it has been my experience that if you are in a girl's friend zone but try to go further the rejection will typically destroy any friendship you once had.

 

My honest suggestion to people who struggle like myself is to just try to forget about it, instead of thinking about sex, dating, relationships, women, etc. think about something else.

[Sun Devil]

Necris, most guys cant forget about women. You might, I am not sure if your less interested in women than other men, but the simple fact is that we are biologically driven to find someone. It is a need, despite what you say. The evidence is everywhere that it is better to be in a relationship. Men who remain single live less, tend to have higher suicide rates, and tend to be more violent. Societies with more men than women almost always are unstable and violent. Ignoring women is like ignoring your arm being chooped off. It can be done if you are numb, but that is ignoring reality.

[KungFuJoe]

kiwi,

 

No one will EVER question the "awesomeness" (I'm sorry but I'm at a loss of words right now) of your ass.

 

NOT on my watch!

 

Don't worry...I'm not gonna do anything nasty with it or anything. I might blow it up and make a poster out of it, though.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

My honest suggestion to people who struggle like myself is to just try to forget about it, instead of thinking about sex, dating, relationships, women, etc. think about something else.

 

 

Actually Sun Devil, this can work for years. I'm a bit older than you guys and I have had stretches of years in my 20s where I wasn't really concerned about women or getting into a relationship. I was concentrating on other things in my life. Work, hobbies, friends, watching sports.

 

Even then, I was still approaching women, but I just didn't care about the results that much and there was no particular rejection(s) on my mind.

 

But it's only a matter of time before something puts you back in desperation mode.

[sweetkiwi]

And now I take my victory nap.

[Necris]

Necris, most guys cant forget about women. You might, I am not sure if your less interested in women than other men, but the simple fact is that we are biologically driven to find someone. It is a need, despite what you say. The evidence is everywhere that it is better to be in a relationship. Men who remain single live less, tend to have higher suicide rates, and tend to be more violent. Societies with more men than women almost always are unstable and violent. Ignoring women is like ignoring your arm being chooped off. It can be done if you are numb, but that is ignoring reality.

 

Well... unfortunately I can't either, but I can try to let it not bother me as much, and focus my thoughts on other things. For example I'm starting a fantasy novel. Also I try to convince myself just being friends with women is good enough after all (yeah I know bad advice) in a way its close to what I want anyway. I want to have a romantic relationship but just without sex, though that's mainly for religious reasons.

 

You don't have to stop approaching women, but I think it will be better to try to stop caring as much, even though that can be quite difficult.

Edited January 15, 2013 by Necris