2sunny Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 When I say I love him and would die for him I'm talking about my husband Shelly, no offense, but REALLY? Nothing happened? HOW DESPERATE ARE YOU to keep this man? Is it worth selling your soul? You already have sacrificed all of YOU by allowing your H to completely make a mockery of you. YOU have ALLOWED it by NOT giving your H consequences for his bad behavior. And now he goes to sleep with her again - yet you just take him back in like nothing happened? Sheez! You already lost yourself - and your soul to this man - THAT is NOT love!!! That is EVIL! You have LIFE completely backwards! You may as well be dead with the life YOU'VE CHOSEN for yourself! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 IMO, Pride cometh before a fall ... Not sacrifice. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Putting much too much importance on so-called therapists. People do manage to get through problems without running to psychologists. ('Heaven' having nothing to do with it.) Shelly, sounds as if you are working in the right direction, in considering your husband's and his son's needs, before yours - at this time. As I have mentioned before, it seems to be a matter of if you wish to keep your marriage together - or not. Of course people CAN manage without professionals, but I happen to think in this case, with Shelly's history of suffering abuse, the complex situation with infidelity, ongoing relationship with the ex-girlfriend AND a child who is being treated poorly, I think some help is sorely needed. It's not something I advise every poster by a long shot, but there's a lot to do here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 . People do manage to get through problems without running to psychologists Many people can't do it on their own and there's nothing wrong with getting help. In this case, Shelly needs to go talk to someone because what she is doing now is not working and it's damaging behaviour, not only to herself but to her stepson, that innocent little boy. She also has her head in the sand when it comes to her husband. People who have self esteem problems and stay in relationships that are really unhealthy NEED help to get out and start over. Link to post Share on other sites
ON MY OWN Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) My husband usually does watch him, but this time he had to go get some work done on his truck so he left it with me. He knows I'm not the babysitter. I hate this kid and I don't even feel bad about it, just weird. He ruined my life. If you truly hate him, I think you should get out of the situation entirely. It is not a healthy environment at all. It is not this childs fault and if you are having these feelings, listen to the warning signs. "The writing is on the wall here". The child will be around forever and if you cant accept and love him, it would be reponsible as an adult to do the right thing. He is already going to have a tough enough life. This is why we have counseling and so many people are torn up inside. An innocent little human being, please do the right thing. I do sypathize with what happened to you, but that would be spreading the 'poison' if you pass it on. Edited July 4, 2012 by ON MY OWN Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Just helping her with their son. While he's around I'm going to try to be better towards him. Ive been thinking about if my kids were in the same situation and it's not right. He's supposed to come over tomorrow so I'm going to make an effort to have a better relationship with him. That's good Shelly. Your husband will appreciate it and so will his son. You never know you may become very attached to each other. If you do why don't you be the one to pick up this little guy when he has visits with his dad. That will keep down contact between your H and OW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 His son spent the 4th of July with us, and we all had a good time. I noticed for the first time how much my husband changes when he's around. He speaks softer, he smiles more, he relaxes more. I never really noticed the changes until now. They were like two peas in a pod too, his little boy laughs exactly like him, has the same favorite color, and they both love fireworks. I had fun watching them together. I'm filing for divorce Monday. Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 His son spent the 4th of July with us, and we all had a good time. I noticed for the first time how much my husband changes when he's around. He speaks softer, he smiles more, he relaxes more. I never really noticed the changes until now. They were like two peas in a pod too, his little boy laughs exactly like him, has the same favorite color, and they both love fireworks. I had fun watching them together. I'm filing for divorce Monday. You're filing for divorce because he had a good time with his son? Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 His son spent the 4th of July with us, and we all had a good time. I noticed for the first time how much my husband changes when he's around. He speaks softer, he smiles more, he relaxes more. I never really noticed the changes until now. They were like two peas in a pod too, his little boy laughs exactly like him, has the same favorite color, and they both love fireworks. I had fun watching them together. I'm filing for divorce Monday. You wish to divorce because you are hurting? IMO, his feelings toward his son do not necessarily mirror his feelings for the mother of this child. A new little child in one's life can be a joy (your H's) - and adjustments are also made because of their age, etc. But, if you are feeling left out .. and if your husband is showing indifference toward you, this can be a warning signal that your H has feelings for the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Tazzy Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Why wait for Monday---do it today. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 His son spent the 4th of July with us, and we all had a good time. I noticed for the first time how much my husband changes when he's around. He speaks softer, he smiles more, he relaxes more. I never really noticed the changes until now. They were like two peas in a pod too, his little boy laughs exactly like him, has the same favorite color, and they both love fireworks. I had fun watching them together. I'm filing for divorce Monday. Reading the first 2 paragraphs, I was smiling, thinking, huh, she finally gets that this is a real situation and she's learning to deal with it. And then, bam! she's done. WTH? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 What made you decide to file for divorce? What has changed? Link to post Share on other sites
Stellar Wench Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 What made you decide to file for divorce? What has changed?The realisation that the preferential treatment toward his son and indifferent treatment toward his own daughters has no expiration date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 The realisation that the preferential treatment toward his son and indifferent treatment toward his own daughters has no expiration date. That would not be a deciding factor for a gal who's been SO purposely intent on overlooking his bad behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 The realisation that the preferential treatment toward his son and indifferent treatment toward his own daughters has no expiration date. He has a daughter, and a son, by Shelly72. He has a toddler baby boy by his mistress. He patently prefers the company of both his youngest son, and this child's mother, to that of his wife and teenage children.... Originally Posted by Shelly72 .....I'm filing for divorce Monday. On what grounds? Link to post Share on other sites
iambookworm Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 If you are leaving him because you realized that his cheating is not worth it and you are done relying on him, then good for you. If, as StellarWench says, "The realisation that the preferential treatment toward his son and indifferent treatment toward his own daughters has no expiration date." then good for you. BUT if you are leaving him because of what you saw, and are jealous of the attention he gives the boy, then shame on you. I am not condemning you, just making you think about WHY you are doing this and what you want to achieve. And before filing for divorce, talk to your kids too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stellar Wench Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Near everyone advised divorce. Now that she is filing, the grounds are suddenly important? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 His son spent the 4th of July with us, and we all had a good time. I noticed for the first time how much my husband changes when he's around. He speaks softer, he smiles more, he relaxes more. I never really noticed the changes until now. They were like two peas in a pod too, his little boy laughs exactly like him, has the same favorite color, and they both love fireworks. I had fun watching them together. I'm filing for divorce Monday. You are giving up because of which reason? That you can't accept his son or because you know he's still cheating you on with the OW? Or both? Glad that you are making a decision though. Staying and being around a kid that you hate is so unhealthy and down the line will mess that poor child up later in life. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Yes. Because if she hasn't done any mental homework (and we haven't seen evidence of it), then 'filing' is just one more in a line of kneejerk reactions designed to 'make' her husband understand that she's in pain and CHANGE. When the person she should be changing is herself. If the above is true, she will 'file' and then, when it doesn't get the desired 'oh, don't, honey, I love only YOU' that she's waiting for, she'll drop it, beg him to forgive her, and settle back down into compliance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 It's not because I'm jealous at all, I loved watching them together. He was so happy, when we went home it was all he could talk about. Seeing him like that is the best thing ever. Him being happy has been my number one priority for years, it's more important than anything in the world. It's obvious he doesn't love me anymore, although he was all over me last night. I mean he went and slept with someone else the other night. I never want to make him have to stay with me when he doesn't want to. That's not not fair to him. If he's not with me he can be with her and their son. Our kids are old enough that they don't need him around all the time. His son deserves what my kids have had. A daddy that's around and loves them more than anything. He really is the perfect dad. I'm doing this for him. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 It's not because I'm jealous at all, I loved watching them together. He was so happy, when we went home it was all he could talk about. Seeing him like that is the best thing ever. Him being happy has been my number one priority for years, it's more important than anything in the world. It's obvious he doesn't love me anymore, although he was all over me last night. I mean he went and slept with someone else the other night. I never want to make him have to stay with me when he doesn't want to. That's not not fair to him. If he's not with me he can be with her and their son. Our kids are old enough that they don't need him around all the time. His son deserves what my kids have had. A daddy that's around and loves them more than anything. He really is the perfect dad. I'm doing this for him. You have things SO backwards - you don't even consider your own feelings. I do agree with divorcing him - but NOT because he's a perfect Dad! I'd divorce him be ause of HIS BAD BEHAVIOR! YOU deserve better! YOU deserve to be happy! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Okay, you codependent nightmare.... What are you doing for you? Look up codependency. Look up Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend. You seriously need to start putting things in place for yourself instead of wheeling back and forth between victim and rescuer, and bully to a little kid. It's on you. It shouldn't "have to be" and it "isn't fair" but here it is. I still think you are trying to send him A message that you are special and will make him first forever so that he will eventually value you. Codependents don't pay dues for years and then get love! You have to believe that you deserve a mate the treats you with respect and then settle for nothing less! Saying this and crying or yelling over that gets him to listen temporarily. In the long run he clearly wants someone that challenges him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 i can't believe someone would be so persistently obtuse and naive about this, in spite of bucketloads of advice and so many people - both men AND women - stating the absolute obvious. Jeesh, Shelly72, I'm having a lot of difficulty believing right now, you're not a troll.... either that, or he's been so effective in subjugating you, that you no longer have a personality of your own... Are we not getting through to you, in any way, at all - ?! DON'T YOU GET IT - !!? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodthingscome Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 My children are 14 and 16, they are the most beautiful, smartest, sweetest, most respectful kids I've ever met. Our son seems to tolerate my husbands child, but our daughter feels the same way I do. We've never had the problems with them that we do with him. The only person who likes him is my husband who spoils him, never disciplines him, and lets him get away with everything. He knows exactly how I feel about this kid. Well I don't know about the rest of you, but this statement says alot! Shelly, I get that you got dealt a ****ty hand, you and your children. Just remember though, you "chose" to remain with him. I don't think I would have. Did you ever think that the reason your husband spoils him is because everyone else in the house hates this little boys guts, and aren't a bit shy about showing how they feel? I feel sorry for the little boy, and if I was his mom, I would NEVER allow my child around you or your kids if I knew how you guys felt. I would also like to say that if your husband knows how you feel about his affair child and still left him in your care, that just shows he is still only thinking about "himself". He needs to find an outside sitter if he isn't able to care for the child. Please for your sake and your families sake get come IC. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 It's not because I'm jealous at all, I loved watching them together. He was so happy, when we went home it was all he could talk about. Seeing him like that is the best thing ever. Him being happy has been my number one priority for years, it's more important than anything in the world. It's obvious he doesn't love me anymore, although he was all over me last night. I mean he went and slept with someone else the other night. I never want to make him have to stay with me when he doesn't want to. That's not not fair to him. If he's not with me he can be with her and their son. Our kids are old enough that they don't need him around all the time. His son deserves what my kids have had. A daddy that's around and loves them more than anything. He really is the perfect dad. I'm doing this for him. I still think you're divorcing him because you're hurting deeply, and feeling left out. (even though 'he's all over you' - but perhaps for the wrong reason). And divorcing him, you think this will alleviate your pain. That's alright too. Link to post Share on other sites
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