I Don't like my husband's son

[writergal]

Am I the only one who thinks all the adults and teenage children should participate in family therapy if possible? I think that would really benefit Shelly and her husband to address the affair and everything else going on now that she's been honest with her husband.

 

And although I came down hard on her as far as assuming her parenting skills were atrocious for hating an innocent child for what he represents, I have to give Shelly credit for being willing to share her true feelings with her husband, as upsetting as it was for him and her. Now the problem is out there in the open again, so the adults here have to deal with the issue which is the husband's affair and his current behavior with his son's mother.

 

I hope Shelly can see that her rage at her 4 year old step-son is just misdirected feelings she has for her husband, and start to treat her step-son with more love and respect as he's just an innocent pawn in this family soap opera.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not defending his behaviour, but... They reconciled, Shelly knew the lad would be a factor. There's a lot of issues that need addressing, but she can't use the boy's existence against her H for the rest of their days.

Using the child to vent her frustration, anger and resentment is absolutely, completely wrong, and as a mother, I really cannot get my head around her being able to do that with a young defenceless child.

It further seems he's undisciplined and spoilt, and this too is wrong; but this again, is not his fault.

 

Shelley's anger is a result of repressed and stifled feelings towards her husband and his lover.

She took him back and ostensibly forgave him, because she worships the ground he walks on, has become utterly emotionally and practically dependent on him.

She's never known another man, and her world became complacently dependent on his fidelity and commitment.

Maybe the person she was disappeared, and a mouse took over.

 

It's patently obvious that she hasn't worked through all this but pushed it down and convinced herself - and others - that she was mature and self-controlled enough to overcome this.

The reality was that she did what she thought necessary to keep her man by her side, and in doing so, in his eyes just became a wussy push-over....

Now, with this little reminder constantly appearing, everything has fallen apart.

The truth is out.

she's still absolutely outraged by his cheating, and this needs addressing.

 

But shelley, it's time to stop this now.

no, really, right now.

Edited June 30, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[CC12]

I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice. He told me I was crazy and stupid, and he couldn't believe me.

 

Wow, I didn't think you'd actually do it. I thought you were just letting off some steam when you said you were going to give him an ultimatum. That was real talk?

 

Welp. I guess there's nothing for you to do until he makes his decision. Way to completely remove yourself from having anything to do with a resolution. Why couldn't you have tried to compromise?

 

And why don't you want him to be a good father, or at least a present one? I mean, we all want our partners to be good, respectful people who do the right thing. You just asked him to stop being a father. You asked him to stop being a good person who does the right thing. If your argument is, "Well, he never does the right thing. He cheated on me, after all," then why stay with a ****ty person who also calls you stupid and crazy?

 

People have asked you some good questions and you've ignored them. Are you at least considering any of the points that are being made? Do you think about your actions and if you're being fair? Maybe if you could explain your thought processes here, people would understand your perspective and be more sympathetic to you. Because, I'll be honest, you kind of come across as a raving loon. Tell us your side. Go on, talk it out here.

[todreaminblue]

Wow, I didn't think you'd actually do it. I thought you were just letting off some steam when you said you were going to give him an ultimatum. That was real talk?

 

Welp. I guess there's nothing for you to do until he makes his decision. Way to completely remove yourself from having anything to do with a resolution. Why couldn't you have tried to compromise?

 

And why don't you want him to be a good father, or at least a present one? I mean, we all want our partners to be good, respectful people who do the right thing. You just asked him to stop being a father. You asked him to stop being a good person who does the right thing. If your argument is, "Well, he never does the right thing. He cheated on me, after all," then why stay with a ****ty person who also calls you stupid and crazy?

 

People have asked you some good questions and you've ignored them. Are you at least considering any of the points that are being made? Do you think about your actions and if you're being fair? Maybe if you could explain your thought processes here, people would understand your perspective and be more sympathetic to you. Because, I'll be honest, you kind of come across as a raving loon. Tell us your side. Go on, talk it out here.

 

 

I am glad that the ultimatum was given and the husband is aware of how she really feels.......there isnt a compromise sadly i think for her......because she does believe she is right to feel this way....think if you can of hating a child that puts their head in your lap for comfort can you do it? i cant get my head around the fact of hating a child at all or of anyone hating my child.....the father will do the right thing for his child now i will send hope to the sky above for that.....which is distance from hatred and possible abuse later on....i don't think hate can be turned only hidden....so therefore no compromise

[whichwayisup]

I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice. He told me I was crazy and stupid, and he couldn't believe me.

 

He told me his son is his favorite because he reminds him of himself when he was little. He told me he couldn't be in the same house with me tonight.

 

He stormed out, he won't answer my calls or my texts. I'm sure he's with her right now.

 

So now I'm sitting alone in my house, I really don't want to lose him, I truly love him.

 

It's good you told him. Let him cool off and talk again.

What can you do if you don't want to lose him? Would you be willing to do family counselling? This will not work if you don't make efforts to forgive and make peace with this. Your real issue is your husband, not his exOW. You chose to forgive him (seems like that was only words) but in actions you haven't. His son is not going away, ever. And neither is the exOW. She is in your lives and yes, the issue of what is going on with them has to be confronted too (you say he kisses her and together they are touchy feely at times, so something could still be going on right under your nose) and then you make a real decision. IS he still in love with her? Are they still having sex? There's no point in even bothering to salvage things if he is cheating again behind your back. decide what YOU want and go from there.

 

Do you know she's being cruel to the boy or was Shelly72 expressing her hidden feelings on LS?

 

As far as loving the boy, if Shelly is being cruel to the boy, why would this "wonderful" father leave the boy with her?

 

Logic doesn't add up.

 

Her opening post: When he talks to me I don't even want to respond, I can't stand him. He cries constantly, makes a mess of my house, and just plain gets on my nerves.

 

Yesterday I was reading a book on my couch in our living room while my husband was running errands, he left his son here with me and he played in the next room. All the sudden he ran into the room and put his head in my lap. I told him to sit up and never do it again. Why did he do that? I'm not his mother.

 

That's pretty straight forward on how she feels about her husbands son. She has also called him "it".

[stillafool]

My husband usually does watch him, but this time he had to go get some work done on his truck so he left it with me. He knows I'm not the babysitter.

 

I hate this kid and I don't even feel bad about it, just weird. He ruined my life.

 

See again you have misplaced anger, this child didn't ruin your life, YOUR HUSBAND DID! Oh, and you by staying with him. The love he has for that child is unconditional the love he has for you is not.

[stillafool]

Of course he's most likely with her. Where else is he going to stay? A motel? I get you love him, but he's cheated on you, had a baby with this woman and something is still obviously going on five years later. You will have to have to accept it, otherwise you will continue to be hurt and miserable. You have a choice not to put up with it a moment longer. This guy has no shame. If he breaks up his family, he has himself to live with. Please don't give him the gratitude a moment longer.

 

I agree and you know he had sex with the OW again last night. This man has nothing to lose because he knows if Shelly leaves he has the other woman.

[stillafool]

I'm sure he is too... Otherwise she wouldn't feel so cozy as to touch, hug and kiss him.

 

Because he allows it - means its their usual way of interacting. You just weren't supposed to notice it.

 

And, the fact that they can laugh and giggle together while Shelly sits around being miserable. Shelly when the OW is happy, laughing, giggling and you are unhappy all the time which one of you do you think your H finds more attractive or would want to be around? I think you would appear more appealing to your H if you embraced his son and made him part of your family. I know that wouldn't be easy for you or anyone but it would make your H see you in a different light.

[Tazzy]

You are a horrible person Shelly!!! Shame on you!!!! This is a baby!!!! Regardless of how he was brought into this world YOU chose to stay in the relationship! You better hope your "hard little body" doesn't go to pot----and it will---it is called age!!!! You see Shelly--even though you have the maturity of a 12 year old----your body still ages with time. I pray this baby Momma finds this post and takes you and the spinless boy you are with to court and takes that baby away from the two of you before I have to read it in the paper that you are in court for abuse on that angel.

[TaraMaiden]

Tazzy, try reading the fekkin' thread before blowing your mouth off...

 

The baby isn't hers, it's the baby of her husband's younger lover, who has been given to her to babysit.

The father (who already has two teenage kids by Shelley) still sees his mistress, displays affection and favours this little boy over his own children.

 

anything else you want to say, or do you think you should read the thread now...?!?

[shayla]

My ex husband did this to me.....notice I said EX HUSBAND. There is no way on earth that I'd stay with a man that had a baby with another woman and then brought the child home and dropped him in my lap while he goes on fooling around with the other woman.

 

No, it is not that childs fault, but your husband made his choice and needs to live with the consequences of that choice.

 

You staying with him, then demonizing his child is wrong. If you cannot handle what your husband has done, leave him. Period.

[Tazzy]

For YOUR information I DID read the thread and all I read is ------waa-waa-waa!!! My husband had an affair and now i'm stuck with a unwanted baby that isn't mine!!!! Then Shelly shouldn't have gone back to him if she couldn't handle the baby!!! This thread is going on and on that HE had an affair and she is the so hurt---when the whole thread is about how much she hates the baby and doesn't want to be stuck with him!!! Then move on Shelly!!!! Be a big girl and put on your big girl panties and leave the cheating moron!!! BUT DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON A HELPLESS BABY!!!! My question to all you supporters: How would you feel if you were the mother of this child and you found out he was in a house being hated so much????

[bentnotbroken]

Shelly, I thought about your posts last night and then I read what went on last night. You might not like what I have to say but here goes. Shelly your pain is obvious. You are hurting and hurting people hurt others whether they intend to or not. You have weak boundaries and you do not Shelly very much right now.

 

With those weak boundaries you have allowed your husband to treat you like a steaming pile of dodo. He has walked all over your life and continues to piss on your family with his disrespect and disregard for you feelings. Your weak boundaries have also allowed you to cross a line with that child. You show him the same disrespect and disregard that your husband is showing you. With those same weak boundaries you are allowing your children to develop weak boundaries. They are showing disrespect for this child as well. Stop it. Stop stooping to that level. It diminishes who you are as person and continues to destroy a young child's self esteem and self worth.

 

You do not love yourself right now which means you can't love anyone else. If you loved yourself your love would extend to loving your children enough to want to see them at their best and giving their best. This is not what is happening is it? You would want them to show the love that you give them to others. Yet you support them in their behavior of a child because right now all you feel is anger and resentment and you want to see your pain reflected. Well it is being reflected and not in a positive light. Part of loving is discipline. If you showed this child any love at all discipline would have to be included. You could show him the right way to behave and respond to others. You would also discipline your daughter for her behavior..but no, it is more about getting your anger out on everyone but the person who truly deserves it.....that human meat sack you are married to.

 

You do not have a healthy loving relationship with your husband and it is extending itself into all other relationships..including your children. It is time you get a grip, get some help and get that crap man out our your life. Learn to love yourself so that love can show itself. What you are doing now is adding to the destruction of your family. Yes, he may have started it but is up to you to end before you completely destroy 3 children.

[climbergirl]

I whole heartedly agree that it is NOT the childs fault, however as unpopular as this will be I don't belive a child is intilted to ruin the life of several other people just because it exisits. I have seen WAY to many women get pregnant in a relationship to try and control a man. ( get him to stay, save a relationship, leave his wife, marry her, or for just basic control) Women using that child as bait and leverage is just as wrong as a man having nothing to do with a child he never planned on having. Women have the control to either have a child or not, far more so then men!

I also won't agree with the "Children come first" mentality. No a good stable home with loving family come first, not the WANTS of a child. many people blur that line and you end up with BRATS!

 

To the OP I'm sorry you have gone through this. Honestly I would make him choose it's either me or the kid and be prepared for what he will chose as it may not be you. He should still pay support but as far as being "dad" I would have none of it.. You and your children should not have to suffer for his mistake and yes the child was a mistake that the mother had more then 50% of responsibility in bringing into this world knowing the circumstances!

 

 

See now, I think even asking him to choose is wrong on so many levels. OP, you choose! Either you deal with the situation in a mature manner or get out!

 

I cannot fathom asking a parent to abandon his child regardless of the circumstances. This child has no idea of the situation behind his existance, yet you treat him cruelly and want him to grow up without his father.

 

I hope to God this is a troll because I'm completely disgusted.

[Tazzy]

Thank you Bentnotbroken,

You said what I was thinking but my mouth tends to vent before I can "control" My post is not against Shelly. My husband had an affair on me---I totally understand Shelly's anger---and by ever right she should have it. But not against the baby. I apologize to you Shelly because as a mamma bear I have protected my boys with everything i have---and I have never been in the position to have to raise anothers baby while they were with me--so i guess i really don't understand your pain. But please either get out of the marriage or learn to somehow deal with the baby without taking it out on him. He is just a baby and didn't ask for any of this. Open your heart to him----you might be surprised what you find there.

[UpwardForward]

Shelly, This child is here and he needs his father. There is nothing you can do about this.

 

If your husband was ever a protective and responsible H, that has all been compromised now.

 

I suggest you develop a backup plan for your future as a single woman.

[2sunny]

He's had no consequences to his bad behavior - until now.

 

You need counseling to become a stronger more independent woman... To get rid of that anger and the cheating husband.

 

It will take courage and strength to go up against his narcissistic ways.

 

File for D - the M has been over for a long time.

 

Change the locks on the house and move money to your name only. You need to show him that you mean business and make him responsible for his actions.

 

He's been a cake eater - time to stop participating by staying married to him.

[2sunny]

How can you love him when he's constantly disrespecting you?

[irin]

it boggles my mind how any women would stay with a man that has conceived outside of his marriage.

[FryFish]

it boggles my mind how any women would stay with a man that has conceived outside of his marriage.

upwards of 3 percent of men are unknowingly forced into this exact situation...

[SarahRose]

upwards of 3 percent of men are unknowingly forced into this exact situation...

 

Forced?

 

If he kept his wiener at home where it belonged he wouldn't be in this mess.

[bentnotbroken]

Forced?

 

If he kept his wiener at home where it belonged he wouldn't be in this mess.

 

 

I think FF meant that there are men unknowingly raising children that aren't their own.

[threebyfate]

I'm not defending his behaviour, but... They reconciled, Shelly knew the lad would be a factor. There's a lot of issues that need addressing, but she can't use the boy's existence against her H for the rest of their days.

What she can do is to refuse to take care of the child. He's not her responsibility.

 

Her opening post: When he talks to me I don't even want to respond, I can't stand him. He cries constantly, makes a mess of my house, and just plain gets on my nerves.

This is her attitude, not her actions.

 

All the sudden he ran into the room and put his head in my lap. I told him to sit up and never do it again. Why did he do that? I'm not his mother.

This isn't abusive behaviour towards the child, unless she raved and ranted at him or was being deliberately cruel by calling him names, being vicious about it. To say to a child don't do [insert action] since I'm not your mother. Isn't abusive behaviour.

 

That's pretty straight forward on how she feels about her husbands son. She has also called him "it".

How she feels and how she acts, don't necessarily correlate.

[darkmoon]

I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice. He told me I was crazy and stupid, and he couldn't believe me.

 

He told me his son is his favorite because he reminds him of himself when he was little. He told me he couldn't be in the same house with me tonight.

 

He stormed out, he won't answer my calls or my texts. I'm sure he's with her right now.

 

So now I'm sitting alone in my house, I really don't want to lose him, I truly love him.

 

this is the last thing shelley said, life can be cruel, nobody wins

[Shelly72]

I've never abused his son, I've never called him names to his face, I've never laid a hand on him. I'd die for him in a split second. We talked today and he was short with me. I just want him to come home...

 

I have no idea if he finds her more attractive than me. She is really pretty though I will admit it, and his son is beautiful. He looks exactly like my husband... He just puts me off because of how he came into my life.