pink_sugar Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 His son spent the 4th of July with us, and we all had a good time. I noticed for the first time how much my husband changes when he's around. He speaks softer, he smiles more, he relaxes more. I never really noticed the changes until now. They were like two peas in a pod too, his little boy laughs exactly like him, has the same favorite color, and they both love fireworks. I had fun watching them together. I'm filing for divorce Monday. Oh wow, that last statement took me by surprise. It's very contrary to the first two paragraphs. I think this is for the best though, may I ask what made you reach that prompt conclusion? You've spent this entire time defending him, so I'm just wondering why the sudden change of heart? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 It's not because I'm jealous at all, I loved watching them together. He was so happy, when we went home it was all he could talk about. Seeing him like that is the best thing ever. Him being happy has been my number one priority for years, it's more important than anything in the world. It's obvious he doesn't love me anymore, although he was all over me last night. I mean he went and slept with someone else the other night. I never want to make him have to stay with me when he doesn't want to. That's not not fair to him. If he's not with me he can be with her and their son. Our kids are old enough that they don't need him around all the time. His son deserves what my kids have had. A daddy that's around and loves them more than anything. He really is the perfect dad. I'm doing this for him. Doing this for him? That doesn't make any sense? Shouldn't you be doing this for YOURSELF?! He cheated on you and had a kid with another woman! I hope you really mean that you are doing this for yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 I guess a reason for doing it is so I don't have to feel like a waste of time. I want to have someone love me as much as I love him, and in hopes that I won't hurt anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 It's obvious he doesn't love me anymore, although he was all over me last night. I mean he went and slept with someone else the other night. I am glad you are finally realizing this. When you said he stayed with the OW that night, I can guarantee they did not sleep seperately. Good for you for filing for divorce. I think that is best for all of you. You deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I guess a reason for doing it is so I don't have to feel like a waste of time. I want to have someone love me as much as I love him, and in hopes that I won't hurt anymore. Good for you. Move on to someone who will respect you ad not cheat on you. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 It's not because I'm jealous at all, I loved watching them together. He was so happy, when we went home it was all he could talk about. He left you just days ago because you told him seeing him with this boy bothered you - he LEFT you. And now that he's back, he gushes on and on about how much he enjoys this boy...as though you never even said a word. It's pretty obvious that, along the way, you made it clear that YOU don't matter, only HE does. So that's the life he's living. You should divorce him. For everyone's sake. Yours, so you can learn what it's like to take care of yourself and CARE about yourself. Your kids, so they won't have to deal with THEIR mom being treated like the stepchild. Him, so he'll (maybe) learn that you can't treat people like dirt and expect them to stay. And his other 'wife' so, as you said, she can raise her son with the dad who obviously wants him most. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I still think you're divorcing him because you're hurting deeply, and feeling left out. (even though 'he's all over you' - but perhaps for the wrong reason). And divorcing him, you think this will alleviate your pain. .I think she SAYS she's divorcing him in an immature (no offense, but that's what I see) attempt to 'make' him choose you. And it's gonna be yet another nightmare when he's relieved and says great! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Shelly, what did he say to you when you told your H you were filing for divorce on Monday?? Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Shelly, remember this stepchild of yours is still a half sibling to your children. Please try and foster a supportive relationship between them so they can get along despite the circumstances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) Shelly, remember this stepchild of yours is still a half sibling to your children. Please try and foster a supportive relationship between them so they can get along despite the circumstances. Divorce can be a big sacrificial step, with loss of spouse and perhaps home. Property settlement, distribution etc. There's no longer the priority of fostering a relationship between half children not living together. Shelly's children will come to decide on their own, who to include in their lives in the months, years to come. Edited July 5, 2012 by UpwardForward Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 My kids and I talked about it and they both understand I have to do this for myself and for them. My daughter is more upset than my son who seems almost relieved. My husband on the other hand, didn't take it well at all... He's yelled, thrown things, punched the wall, and now he's crying and telling me I can't go. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 One of my FB friends posted this letter from a MN Judge who handles divorce cases and it made me think of your situation Shelly. I will type out the letter here and provide a link to it. The judge is speaking out to divorced parents. Truer words were never spoken, in my humble opinion. Judge Michael Hass, 2001 Words of Wisdom for Divorcing Parents "Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so that is your problem and your fault. No matter what you think of the other party - or what your family thinks of the other party - these children are one half of each of you. Remember that - because every time you tell your child what an 'idiot' his father is, or what a 'fool' his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling that child that half of him is bad. That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Stellar Wench Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 My husband on the other hand, didn't take it well at all... He's yelled, thrown things, punched the wall, and now he's crying and telling me I can't go. Now doubting the veracity, but this is likely the behaviour he exibited when the OW dumped him too. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Shelly's children appear to be at an age where they understand the reason for a divorce. And to comprehend that the father had an affair. An affair actually affects all in the family. Some children feel protective of the BS/family. Most children consider their continued R w their father/mother only for the way the father/mother continues to treat them. I would think only a very young child could be swayed (not understanding the situation). In many situations the WS (w new priorities) looses interest/patience and burns their own bridge with their offspring. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Sit down and come up with what you would have to have from him to consider staying. HARD rules like no more contact with OW (you can facilitate child exchange, etc.). If he won't agree, then you have your answer. But expect him to rant like a spoiled child, cos that's what he's been for the last 20 years. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 My kids and I talked about it and they both understand I have to do this for myself and for them. My daughter is more upset than my son who seems almost relieved. My husband on the other hand, didn't take it well at all... He's yelled, thrown things, punched the wall, and now he's crying and telling me I can't go. I'd be afraid if I were you. Has he ever hit you before? I'm shocked he hasn't seen this coming with how rocky this marriage has been for quite some time, but then again, I'm not too shocked, because he's always expected you not to stick up for yourself, so this is probably a big surprise for him. Whatever you do, don't back down. Get out of that marriage! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 My kids and I talked about it and they both understand I have to do this for myself and for them. My daughter is more upset than my son who seems almost relieved. My husband on the other hand, didn't take it well at all... He's yelled, thrown things, punched the wall, and now he's crying and telling me I can't go. Well, your kids are at least old enough to understand what is going on. Your husband thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. Considering he had an affair with another woman and she had his kid, of course divorce is an eventuality. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 One of my FB friends posted this letter from a MN Judge who handles divorce cases and it made me think of your situation Shelly. I will type out the letter here and provide a link to it. The judge is speaking out to divorced parents. Truer words were never spoken, in my humble opinion. Judge Michael Hass, 2001 Words of Wisdom for Divorcing Parents "Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so that is your problem and your fault. No matter what you think of the other party - or what your family thinks of the other party - these children are one half of each of you. Remember that - because every time you tell your child what an 'idiot' his father is, or what a 'fool' his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling that child that half of him is bad. That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions." Thanks so much for this, writergal. My dad has talked trash about my mom ever since I can remember. He's even made remarks like "I hope you take after me" and "be careful who you share genes with" etc. He thinks he is helping us by wanting us to resent my mom and I even asked him one time "what is what x and x from the past have to do with now or affect me now?" It does nothing but emotional damage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 6, 2012 Author Share Posted July 6, 2012 I'd be afraid if I were you. Has he ever hit you before? I'm shocked he hasn't seen this coming with how rocky this marriage has been for quite some time, but then again, I'm not too shocked, because he's always expected you not to stick up for yourself, so this is probably a big surprise for him. Whatever you do, don't back down. Get out of that marriage! Yes he's hit me before it happened when I found out she was pregnant. I fought back though which only made things worse. I know he'd never do it again though. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Yes he's hit me before it happened when I found out she was pregnant. I fought back though which only made things worse. I know he'd never do it again though. He hit YOU when you found out SHE was pregnant? Talk about adding insult to injury. With his reaction to your divorce proposal, you can't be too safe. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 This thread, hmmmmmmmm...... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 6, 2012 Author Share Posted July 6, 2012 I think right now he's too shocked to do anything to me. I don't have anywhere to go anyway Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Yes he's hit me before it happened when I found out she was pregnant. I fought back though which only made things worse. I know he'd never do it again though. OMG Seriously? Why in THE HELL are you with this guy? What is so fantastic about him? You must have some kind of wierd love him hate him thing going on here and that cant be healthy. Just let him go and live with his cheat and their kid. What have you got to lose? A guy that cheats on you and hits you? Are you for real? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 6, 2012 Author Share Posted July 6, 2012 OMG Seriously? Why in THE HELL are you with this guy? What is so fantastic about him? You must have some kind of wierd love him hate him thing going on here and that cant be healthy. Just let him go and live with his cheat and their kid. What have you got to lose? A guy that cheats on you and hits you? Are you for real? That's the only time it ever happened he apologized immediately. It's water under the bridge, he felt bad after and said he'd never do it again. He never has, and he's never hurt my kids, that's what matters. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 I think right now he's too shocked to do anything to me. I don't have anywhere to go anyway Shelly, I don't know if you are employed. But I think you should have a back up plan before divorcing, and to think of your future as a single woman. Income, residence, etc. Also I'm sorry you even warned him. I had assumed you were going to see how things went this weekend, and then see an attorney. Not saying your case, but sometimes the shock is when they realize they will not be able to live in the same manner as before, and to split community property, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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