NC or friends maybe?

[barese1]

The fallout will pass though, and I don't think you'll go back to square 1. you might have a bit to deal with but after all of the processing you'll know you moved a step forward by being strong enough to go there and see what happened around the both of you.

 

if you want to go, you should go, regardless of whomever else is there. Maybe that's the bottom line? If you're only going to see how it is with her, that's not a reason to go.

 

Thanks Stanza, good advice. I guess I do want to go but put it this way. If she wasn't there, I'd go in a second. She is there, and yes most of my intentions are to see her, this is the only time I can bump into her accidentaly so to speak. So basically my motivation to go is to see her and just say hey.

 

Therefore I want to go for the wrong reasons, so I suppose I shouldn't but really want to see her at the same time. This whole thing is making me so confused. I should be over this girl by now I really should.

[Stanza]

I do really think if you go you might either be surprised by her reactions - who knows if it DOES spark something in her, or you'll get some closure.

 

maybe we can be online for you after, if it's not the middle of the night, for the fall out

[barese1]

Believe me nothing will spark. I really want to go but its for all the wrong reasons. I love this girl...still...and I mean nothing to her.

 

I think I'm gonna be strong and not go. I have to protect my heart. You have to understand this isn't a normal ex situation. She never really had any feelings for me, so seeing me, no matter how good I look will not change a thing.

 

Funny I wanted people to tell me I should go but I have to accept that its over and I need to get on with my life. Seeing her will not help this goal. You can't make people change their feelings.

 

It sucks...big time

[Dblock10]

well if you feel its for the best not to go then that is perfectly ok..

 

you obv like/love this girl far to much, and really she isn't a nice person, to you..

 

yes its over with her, but your life isn't over..

 

i can imagine it being stupidly hard to go, and then it would either be ok or a complete nightmare, so i do get why you don't want to go

 

i still think she would have some emotions, not feelings, but dude, you slept with her for a while and as you said, the sex was amazing, so she must have enjoyed it to.. obviously thats not a reason to go, but as i say, you wont know what it will be like going if you don't go.

 

what if you bump into her else where, or on another night out? i think you should face these inner demons personally. i did, and it wasnt as bad as i thought. i think it helps with clarity

[barese1]

well if you feel its for the best not to go then that is perfectly ok..

 

you obv like/love this girl far to much, and really she isn't a nice person, to you..

 

yes its over with her, but your life isn't over..

 

i can imagine it being stupidly hard to go, and then it would either be ok or a complete nightmare, so i do get why you don't want to go

 

i still think she would have some emotions, not feelings, but dude, you slept with her for a while and as you said, the sex was amazing, so she must have enjoyed it to.. obviously thats not a reason to go, but as i say, you wont know what it will be like going if you don't go.

 

what if you bump into her else where, or on another night out? i think you should face these inner demons personally. i did, and it wasnt as bad as i thought. i think it helps with clarity

 

Thanks for your post Dblock. I do love this girl far too much, that is the problem. It was never reciprocated. I worry that I will see her and feel it isn't over when it so very clearly is.

 

I could imagine it going ok, in the sense things wouldn't be awkward but the result? I would find it hard in the aftermath and it would mean nothing to her seeing me...bottom line.

 

No trust me, this girl was like a robot when we were together. So intent on not getting attached and she managed not to. She would maybe think aww its nice to see him happy but I know it'll be no more than that.

 

I will inevitably bump into her at some point. We live in the same time and I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. I hear what you say about giving clarity but I'm pretty sure I know what will happen.

 

I'll see her, small talk with her and spend the whole time looking at her thinking I just want you in my arms. She will probably feel a little uncomfortable to begin with then loosen up and just be friendly with me but nothing more. I think it'll make me miss her more than anything.

 

The simple fact that I want to go mainly to see her sums up that I shouldn't. It will never go anywhere, so realistically the only time I can speak to her is when I am truely over her otherwise it will just hurt me.

 

I know this girl, she'll be looking gorgeous, by sweet and polite to me and it'll just increase my feelings for her. I worry that it'll put me off the new girl as she won't compare and I'd rather not.

 

This is killing me, I finally have a valid reason to see her without me contacting her and yet I guess I know deep down that no good will come from it. I don't want to be friends with her, I want her and she doesn't want me. F7cking simple.

 

I hate that I love this girl, I really really do

[barese1]

Well I confirmed my own worries. 3 months NC, no fb stalking no anything and today for some reason I looked at mutual friends profiles and saw tonnes of pictures of her.

 

God she's so gorgeous. I just sat here and cried. Actually feel a little better. I can't go to the party, I know this now.

 

I want to call her still, I don't know whats wrong with me. When will this pain end.

[Stanza]

I feel for you. I agree with what dblock wrote though, you see her as a robot but she had some feelings, she just burried them, and was good at doing that in front of you, but we still feel something, trust me. not many women can turn it all off. It sounds like she might have used you after her ex if you're right and she was so able to switch it all off, imo, it could re-spark under different circumstances.

 

have you thought about turning up later to it? so not at the start of the event but towards the end?? that might be good, everyone else will have had some drinks by then and you dont then have to stay as long?

[steveblack]

Don't go. Seriously going to regret it 100%. I just skipped out on a social even that my ex might be at (her coworkers were there). Not worth my emotions.

 

When you are ready you will know.

Edited August 20, 2012 by steveblack

[Tally123]

Barese1 ....dont go to this party!!! I would feel exactly like you do and so torn and think this will be my chance to see that person, but it will make you feel worse. If she pays you no attention, barely says hello to you, doesnt even look in your direction (i'm outlining the worse case scenario), imagine how s**t that will make you feel!!

I just dont think its a good idea, but only you can make that decision. Good luck and let us know!

[barese1]

Stanza, you're saying all the things I want to hear but I know full well it will not re-spark. I don't have space in my mind for false hope and that is all it would be.

 

If I went I'd be there for the entire evening as its not in my home town but that said I'm not gonna go. I think its for the best. i will over think every action every word so there's no point.

 

Steveblack, thanks mate I think you are right there. No need to put myself through anymore pain.

 

That said, for some reason, really don't know why, I just unblocked her on fb. honestly have no idea why I did that but its done now. Not gonna start stalking her but just felt a little childish still having her blocked after 3 months NC.

[I'm nuts]

You think that you will never get over a girl but believe me you do, time is such a great healer.

 

At first it is a real struggle and you really think you can't go on, but you will, it is all part of lifes tapestry, learning and gaining experience for the future.

 

When I was a younger man I feel in love with a girl, I was a ex pat (a Brit living in Spain) when I met this girl (Spanish)

 

To cut a long story short she broke my heart just like you feel now, I was only 18 and I thought my world had fallen apart around my feet. She was 25. At such a young age I could not understand it, it made no sense how she could leave me, it hurt so much at that time I felt like you. I thought the thoughts of her would never go away, even though the relationship was only about 8-10months long it felt like forever at that age.

 

When we really like to have sex, or should I say we find some girl so sexy and beautiful it becomes even harder because it is hard to think or never having those nice part in your hands again but someone else will enjoy them it gets us worked up even more.

 

My advice is don't keep counting the days, it makes it worse, it took me years to get over this girl, so how did I forget her in the end? simple, she got married a few years later, but up till that day she was in my thoughts every day.

 

Now today, some 23 years later I never ever think of her, she never enters my thoughts, never, it was all part of my learning about people, woman, and how they are, and more importantly how I am.

 

Someone else always comes along, boom, out of the blue you meet them and you just click, they may not be super sexy, but the chemistry is there, the best girls are the ones who make you laugh, support you, enjoy your company, sex is just a nice bonus.

 

Forget her, don't contact her ever, it passes like water under a bridge, you think it will never go away, it does!!!

 

There are millions of girls on this planet, all your life you will meet some that stand out from the crowd and give you lovely memories, pain, heartache, some will remember you, others will forget you, there are no rules to how people are, we are all different, in a few years time you'll probably look back at this and laugh.

[barese1]

Thanks I'm nuts, that was an interesting post. i too have been in love and got over it with some time and meeting another girl. This one feels different though. I know I will move on but at the moment nothing I seem to do is helping me really.

 

I've decided that I am going to contact her next week. I won't go to this party because I don't want to see other guys all over her, or hear anything about a new fella she may be with.

 

But I am going to see if she wants to meet. Why? I don't really know but I have drilled it into my head that I am going to. Maybe I need closure, maybe I need to see her for what she really is maybe I just miss her.

 

I know people on here will say am I mental. Nearly 3 months NC and I've never cracked and now why would I?

 

Maybe I just want to show her I'm looking good, moving on even though I'm not. I can't explain it but I have every intention of breaking NC this time next week. God help me coz I don't even know why I'm doing this!

[barese1]

Feel anxious and depressed this morning. Don't even know why. Maybe seeing her phots yesterday maybe knowing she's out Friday and I'm not gonna go.

 

Regardless I don't actually want her back. Can't explain it but also feel overwhelmed with these emotions this morning.

[Tally123]

Barese1.....come on! Youre going to text her next week?! You know thats not the right thing to do? What's it going to achieve? zilch, nada, absolutely nothing - apart from making you feel even worse. What are you even going to say? I am hoping you would have changed your mind by then

BUT on a brighter note, you got your leg over - well done - see, there's still life in the ol dog yet! Why are you wasting time on this girl, you should be putting your emotions into this new one, well at least giving it a chance.

Dont go to this party, block her again on FB and go cold turkey again.

You have been doing great recently, why would you want to take 20 steps back?

Take this message as a virtual slap around your chops to get you to come back down to earth again

[barese1]

Ha thanks Tally - I know it sounds stupid and I aim to achieve nothing from texting her. I don't actually want her back right now, I really don't. But there's something been niggling at me for this whole NC period I've been in. I'm not getting over that last hump.

 

I know speaking to her might really set me back but it also might help me see that she isn't this amazing person I have in my mind. I'm not going to the party as it will be too weird. She will be dressed to impress, be blokes everywhere and all her mates around but I am still sure I will be contacting her next week. Maybe I need to confront my demons.

 

I am not going to sit there and ask her if she wants to give it another try or even talk about us. Maybe a part of me wants to show her I'm not as messed up as she's proabably heard. I know I know...IT DOESN'T MATTER...but it does to me.

 

Can't explain it I really can't but I haven't been this adamant in contacting her in this whole time. It could be the most stupid thing I've ever done but I'll have to wait and see.

[Tally123]

So what kind of message would it be to her? Hi how are you? or asking about how the relationship went wrong?

If you feel that is what you have to do then you need to do it. I dont think its the right thing but only you can control how you feel and what you want to do. It could help you move on or it could make you feel worse, i think the latter, but if you think its worth a go.....

Do keep us updated though!

Tal

[barese1]

I was thinking of writing the following. I really have no intentions of asking where the relationship went wrong. It really is just to see her or speak to her and say hi, I'm not hoping for anything from it. I know its probably a bad idea but I feel like its something I have to do. Maybe I just want to show off that things are ok with me, looking good, just got a very promising job interview, seeing a girl (prob wouldn't mention that one coz it would be weird).

 

Hey stranger, hows life?figured its been ages since we chatted to think we're overdue for a catch up if you're still even in btown?x

 

I want to just be able to say hi, and not worry if/when I bump into her. I couldn't do it before because I would be desperate. Now I wouldn't be.

 

What do you think then?

[Stanza]

Only problem I see is, you're doing this but won't go to the party, won't that look a bit weird because she will find out you're not going because she's going? If you want to see her to see if you might feel more over her, wouldn't it be better where you have friends?

 

though I'm not saying it'sa bad idea, I think you need more closure and this might do it.

[barese1]

Hey stanza, I did think that. To be honest though the party is just nott he best time. i have work saturday morning and have to go to a festival. I know it would be better to be around friends etc, but I amy not even chat to her, plus like I said she will be dressed up looking great and blokes will be trying it, I don't want to be seen as having a problem with that.

 

if she calls or we meet up, there won't be any of that to deal with. I don't think she believes I'm not going to the party because of her

[Tally123]

Have i missed something? Why would you meet and why would she ring you?

Anyway about the text....No, no, no and NO!!! I wouldnt write that.

If you MUST text her (which I think this is a blip and next week you wont want to) keep it as breezey as possible. The message you intend to send doesnt sound that breezey. Sounds like youre saying "we should meet up". You dont want to say that!

Will she wonder why you want to talk after all this time? I dont know. Whatever you do, you have to be ready for her reaction:-

 

a) She ignores you completely

b) She writes back short replies

c) Entertains the idea for a little bit then chat will dry up and then you will have to go NC again.

d) I have no d) unfortunately

 

Hope you make the right decision Barese! I hope if you do text her then you get the closure you deserve. I'm rooting for ya!

Tal

[barese1]

Well thats the plan of the text, to meet or chat on the phone. I know its not breezy but I want to catch up with her that is the point. Should I just not say it straight away?

 

a) I will have to just deal with that if she doesn't but would expect a response

b)This may very well happen - it would probably be the hardest thing to deal with

c)Similar to above

 

I know I know, I just want to see her and say hey, Friday would be best but I just know I'd feel awkward seeing men around her, and not really getting to chat to her just the two of us at all.

 

Again this is not an attempt to get her back, just feel like speaking to her, not about us but just generally.

[barese1]

Last minute change of plans. I'm going Friday. F*ck it.

[I'm nuts]

Sometimes sadly we never get closer, or we don't get it when we want, our little minds are so confused nothing makes sense, like I said it's years, not weeks later that things make sense and the same will happen with this girl.

 

Close the book and walk away, believe me in 5 or 6 years, yes I wrote years, things make sense to us and the window becomes clear, at the time though we just don't see it, due to our age or some other reason.

 

I thing I have learnt, another girl always comes along, the best ones are the ones you're not looking for;)

[Tally123]

Barese, i am saying this in the nicest possible way, but have you had a fall and bumped your head? I ask because weeks and days ago you were really trying to move on and make changes, seeing a new girl etc. Now you are talking about not just getting in contact with her but also asking her to meet up for a drink? I can't be the only one on here to think that's all kind of craziness?!

 

I am not sure what has gone on for this sudden chance of course?

I think if you have to see her Friday would be better than saying about meeting up. If you did ask her to meet up and she said no how rubbish would that make you feel? Even more so than you are now, trust me. Why do you think after all this time she would even want to meet up? And i dont mean that in a horrible way, i am just trying to work out your mindset!

As usual, keep in touch!

[Mike_d]

it is difficult when all we want is the pain to go away and have things feel like they used to.

 

unfort no matter what you do the pain will be there, and the past will remain the past.

 

seems like your desire to reach out is in response to not wanting to feel the pain, medicating yourself somehow with contact with her like you used to in the past. you are not being true to yourself, you shouldn't do any of this. all you are doing is adding more pain and a longer period of time to your life to get past this