She's back...

[NoIDidn't]

I agree...the problem with that, though is that the wife is going to be left in limbo not knowing anything for certain. Information that is potentially crucial to how another person proceeds with their life should be shared. To do otherwise, especially for one's own purposes, is cruel. Essentially, by not answering the question, she's leaving the wife in limbo and hurting her even more just because SHE wants her to stay with her husband so 18 doesn't have the temptation. That's just wrong.

 

I have to say that this thread has stirred up some severe emotions in me over the last few days. I've not slept for a day and a half and all I can do is cry.

 

As a betrayed wife, the comments have been a huge trigger for me because there are a couple of my husband's OW who taunted me but refused to give me any information or even an apology. It's been a very difficult pill to swallow and has hindered my healing. My husband, for all the wrongs he has done, has manned up and taken all responsibility, however these two women refuse. One woman did...she apologized and answered all questions and I truly forgave her because of her true remorse. She understood that i had every right to be angry at her. The others still haunt me. It's a cruel fate considering I did nothing to deserve it.

 

My point, in a long rambling way is to please give the wife the answers that she needs. You can't imagine how much more agony the refusal to answer adds to someone already hurting.

 

Some people can sit here and be armchair psychologists saying that the wife SHOULD be doing this or that. One of the other women told me that. She said, "why do you care about what I have to say; you should be focusing on your marriage...I did nothing wrong." What she didn't understand was that the questions I asked (in a respectful way) WERE because I was focusing on my marriage...I needed the answers so I could figure out how to proceed with my life. It's easy to say another person shouldn't care about the OW or what she has to say, but that's just not reality.

 

Now, as a former OW, I used to feel the same way about some of these issues...my husband's x wife needed to just move on with her life and forget...but now that I've been in her shoes, I would do everything in my power to ease as much of her pain as possible. If that were through answering questions, then so be it. I wish with all my heart that I could go back and time and help erase that pain, but I can't.

 

18, YOU can. You spent a year and a half with this man...I know you answered questions, but you need to do this one last thing. Tell her it's the last time.

 

After this, I'm going to have to bow out of this thread...I won't be reading at all. The blase attitudes some have about a woman in pain is heartbreaking and has affected me in ways I can't describe.

 

Do the right thing, 18.

 

 

Hugs, Angelina. I hope 18 does the right thing too.

[NoIDidn't]

If the BS had contacted 18 legitimately, I would agree. Answer the question.

 

But 18 has tried and tried to make herself unreachable. And the BS is intentionally ignoring that and making contact. That's not right, and it should not be rewarded.

 

I have deep empathy for the bs. I can only imagine the pain of not knowing. But she may have to accept that the OW in her situation is not going to answer the question, and find a way to make peace with that. That is just reality. Cruel reality, yes.

 

If she can not find peace in her relationship with time, isn't that information enough?

 

Its not a "reward". You'd be surprised at how industrious a woman becomes when she is looking for information that keeps her awake at night.

 

This woman is desperate and its so sad to see her behave like this as a result of her husband's affair and whatever inner turmoil she is going through.

[xxoo]

Its not a "reward". You'd be surprised at how industrious a woman becomes when she is looking for information that keeps her awake at night.

 

This woman is desperate and its so sad to see her behave like this as a result of her husband's affair and whatever inner turmoil she is going through.

 

Reward in the behavioralist sense.

 

If you want a behavior to stop (in this case: contact), don't reward it. It'll extinguish eventually.

 

I fully agree the woman is desperate. And yes, it is terribly sad.

 

But she simply can not force the OW to do what she wants her to do (in this case, continue contact and answer more questions).

 

At what point does the OW get to say "enough" and get on with her own healing? I think 6 months is reasonable.

[18Years2Late]

So for 6 months while you were trying to give her all she asked for, she never asked you how the relationship ended or who ended it? Strange. That would have been the 1st question any Bs would ask if given such an opportunity.

 

Wonder why it took 6 months for that question to be detriment

to to her staying or leaving, when

for 6 months she not think of it at all.

 

I'm assuming she thought he broke it off with me...1st of course he's lying to her about it...2nd bc of the way she knew I was hurting validated that lie for her...one could assume that if you are the one to break-up that it wouldn't hurt but we all know that's not the case in these situations...or in any abusive R...sometimes the dumper is forced out of necessity to break it off...not bc you want too but bc the R itself hurts...so I guess that's why she never asked...

 

Maybe now she sees that I'm "recovering" faster than she is...and maybe now she thinks I must have been the dumper bc of that...

 

Idk...it's futile to try to figure her out...not my problem anymore...

[18Years2Late]

She wanted to get the "blocked" message and paste it onto a message to the BS....so that the BS thinks her number is blocked.

 

She wants the BS to conclude that the message was not received, and give up.

 

It's been a while (6 months) since I last sent a text to xMM and was blocked...so i was praying to god while I was hitting send that I still was...thank god I was...there was no other way for me to get that specific message I needed without doing it...no one else has a need to block me...

[2sunny]

I wonder - when you send a text like that to him - even to obtain that blocked message - does it show on his cell bill as an incoming text?

[18Years2Late]

I wonder - when you send a text like that to him - even to obtain that blocked message - does it show on his cell bill as an incoming text?

 

No...in order to block texts...u have to buy that service from AT&T...I use to have it and u couldn't see when people tried...now I have an app that blocks calls and keeps a log of who tries...also sends message that phone is disconnected...but the down side is it doesn't block texts...

[18Years2Late]

This is all very confusing.

 

i do not understand how anyone can pay $14.95 to find someone's email address if the email address is a new one and you didn't use your real name and info. i did google my name and nothing - not even the email address i have had for 15 years came up. she is getting your information from someone or you really didn't change emails/phone numbers and she is reaching you through that or you don't have her blocked on facebook (because if you did, she wouldn't be able to find you).

 

so you had an affair with her husband for 18 months. she finds out and for 6 months asks you questions. she is angry and pissed that you and her husband did this - and yes, i am one who believes the ow gets her fair share of the blame since she knew the guy was married and chose to play secret lover with him. he gets busted a couple times and you take him back. i get his wife taking him back because they have a past, kids, etc. you had an 18 month affair.

 

i agree with the person who suggested sending her an email with the answer to the question - from an email account that you close as soon as you answer the question. i would tell her it is the last question you will answer. i would tell her you are finished with him and her and you will no longer answer any questions. as of 6 months ago, you were sending her husband texts! did you tell her that? did you tell her that you tried to text him and got back a message that you were blocked?

 

i know you can't quite get why she is so damn angry at you; i disagree that she has been so 'bad' towards you. you slept with her husband for 18 months. you knew he was married. you took him back, you participated in hurting her and hurting her family. i honestly don't see any remorse for what you have done. maybe i am just not seeing what you claim other bs's see...that you have had to put up with so much for this angry wife. heck, you are lucky she didn't hunt you down and physically harm you. people are hurt/killed all the time for this type of behavior. betrayal hurts and just because you are moving forward doesn't mean she is. you only had an affair; this was her life, her marriage. her marriage, imho, trumps your affair and you knew going in there was a chance of being hurt since he was married and all. she trusted her husband. i am sure you and he laughed when she took him back and you two resumed the affair. i am sure you two felt victorious that you all were able to continue the affair while she was blissfully ignorant of your behavior.

 

sorry, i just have little sympathy for the irritation her questions have on you. you and her husband blew apart her life. whether you own your part in it or not is irrelevant because it doesn't make her hurt go away.

 

hopefully, this experience has taught you no more married men. hopefully you never have to go through what she has gone through. i hope she can find the strength within herself to dump that piece of crap husband and take him to court and get every single dime she can from him.

 

I have changed all my emails...I don't use FB and she's blocked from it anyway...I refuse to change my phone #...but I've blocked her...she blocked me from his phone...not him...yes I texted him 6 months ago bc that was the last dday...

 

I have a very unique name...if I told u I could say with 100% certainty that you've never heard it before...my last name too...when I google my name the first thing that comes up is the sale of my home...full address with a map...and for $14.95 anyone can do a reverse phone # look up...who knows...maybe she knows someone who can pull my credit report...emails, phone #s, new ones and old all show up on that...

[2sunny]

Ok - I understand it blocks it - but does it still show up on a bill?

[jlola]

This is all very confusing.

 

i do not understand how anyone can pay $14.95 to find someone's email address if the email address is a new one and you didn't use your real name and info. i did google my name and nothing - not even the email address i have had for 15 years came up. she is getting your information from someone or you really didn't change emails/phone numbers and she is reaching you through that or you don't have her blocked on facebook (because if you did, she wouldn't be able to find you).

 

so you had an affair with her husband for 18 months. she finds out and for 6 months asks you questions. she is angry and pissed that you and her husband did this - and yes, i am one who believes the ow gets her fair share of the blame since she knew the guy was married and chose to play secret lover with him. he gets busted a couple times and you take him back. i get his wife taking him back because they have a past, kids, etc. you had an 18 month affair.

 

i agree with the person who suggested sending her an email with the answer to the question - from an email account that you close as soon as you answer the question. i would tell her it is the last question you will answer. i would tell her you are finished with him and her and you will no longer answer any questions. as of 6 months ago, you were sending her husband texts! did you tell her that? did you tell her that you tried to text him and got back a message that you were blocked?

 

i know you can't quite get why she is so damn angry at you; i disagree that she has been so 'bad' towards you. you slept with her husband for 18 months. you knew he was married. you took him back, you participated in hurting her and hurting her family. i honestly don't see any remorse for what you have done. maybe i am just not seeing what you claim other bs's see...that you have had to put up with so much for this angry wife. heck, you are lucky she didn't hunt you down and physically harm you. people are hurt/killed all the time for this type of behavior. betrayal hurts and just because you are moving forward doesn't mean she is. you only had an affair; this was her life, her marriage. her marriage, imho, trumps your affair and you knew going in there was a chance of being hurt since he was married and all. she trusted her husband. i am sure you and he laughed when she took him back and you two resumed the affair. i am sure you two felt victorious that you all were able to continue the affair while she was blissfully ignorant of your behavior.

 

sorry, i just have little sympathy for the irritation her questions have on you. you and her husband blew apart her life. whether you own your part in it or not is irrelevant because it doesn't make her hurt go away.

 

hopefully, this experience has taught you no more married men. hopefully you never have to go through what she has gone through. i hope she can find the strength within herself to dump that piece of crap husband and take him to court and get every single dime she can from him.

 

 

WOW!!!! looked at bio. 18 is married too. So sad all around.

[18Years2Late]

Ok - I understand it blocks it - but does it still show up on a bill?

 

No it doesn't not show up on the bill...it like getting a call u don't answer...doesn't show up on bill...

 

Another thing my app does is "unblock" phone numbers...so when she calls with someone else's phone it says "blocked" or "unknown"...I push the button on the top of my phone 2x...and in a few seconds I get a text message with the phone #...then I tell the app to block that # also...it's not free but well worth it...

[18Years2Late]

WOW!!!! looked at bio. 18 is married too. So sad all around.

 

Yep...not a secret...thanks for your interest...

 

Yep...sad all around...you have no idea how sad I've been...but I'm making progress...thanks for your concern...

 

Did u miss the part that says I was engaged to my xMM 18 yrs ago?...anything else u want to know?...

[jlola]

Yep...not a secret...thanks for your interest...

 

Yep...sad all around...you have no idea how sad I've been...but I'm making progress...thanks for your concern...

 

Did u miss the part that says I was engaged to my xMM 18 yrs ago?...anything else u want to know?...

 

 

Nothing else. I was raised with a father who had romantic affairs and a child with an affair partner. So I know the pain it causes for everyone. My half sister from the affair had a mother who was also married and lived 3 doors down from us. It took awhile before anyone figured it out because there was no DNA back then, but resemblance was uncanny.

 

My half sister then went on to marry at 19. Had an affair with an older very rich man. Child born into the marriage was not her husband's but her lovers. DNA was available and ex-brother in law(who died in a car accident 8 months after finding out the child was not his) was devastated as was his family when they found out. Repetition compulsion they call it. Repeated negative behaviors you saw in family of origin.

 

My older sister divorced when her son was barely 1 years old. Married her affair partner. That marriage did not last.But her son has suffered greatly. Thank goodness her 1st husband, then 24 years old and getting his MBA was mature enough to be a good example for him.

 

So you see, I know the pain and drama behind infidelity. I know the legacy it leaves the kids. It is one vicious cycle and can be generational. You will never know how this will affect the children in the middle of this until they re grown and in relationships.

 

That is why I said it was sad. There are even more people involved than I thought.

[despicableME]

she kept me from my man

 

This is very telling.

[18Years2Late]

This is very telling.

 

Really DM? I think your taking my words out of context...if you'd have copied the rest of the sentence you'd see that I was simply quoting what someone else had said using a "desriptor" frequently used a around here...

 

Do you ever have anything nice or helpful to say? I thought u were taking a break from LS? Don't you think you could find more help for yourself in the separation/divorce forum as your not in an A nor are u trying to get over an A...the only thing u are trying to understand is why your W has more b@lls than u do and how u could have possibly lost so much dipping your stick into someone you felt nothing more for than a peice of dog shyte on the side of the road...this is the wrong forum for u...do they have one where you van go learn about compassion?

[18Years2Late]

Nothing else. I was raised with a father who had romantic affairs and a child with an affair partner. So I know the pain it causes for everyone. My half sister from the affair had a mother who was also married and lived 3 doors down from us. It took awhile before anyone figured it out because there was no DNA back then, but resemblance was uncanny.

 

My half sister then went on to marry at 19. Had an affair with an older very rich man. Child born into the marriage was not her husband's but her lovers. DNA was available and ex-brother in law(who died in a car accident 8 months after finding out the child was not his) was devastated as was his family when they found out. Repetition compulsion they call it. Repeated negative behaviors you saw in family of origin.

 

My older sister divorced when her son was barely 1 years old. Married her affair partner. That marriage did not last.But her son has suffered greatly. Thank goodness her 1st husband, then 24 years old and getting his MBA was mature enough to be a good example for him.

 

So you see, I know the pain and drama behind infidelity. I know the legacy it leaves the kids. It is one vicious cycle and can be generational. You will never know how this will affect the children in the middle of this until they re grown and in relationships.

 

That is why I said it was sad. There are even more people involved than I thought.

 

I'm sorry...

 

My parents are still M and never to my knowledge did either one have an A...my grandparents on both side where still married when they died...no A there to my knowledge either...no A anywhere in my family to my knowledge...

 

Here's my FOO issue...I hate my mother..,she's a narcissistic pig...and I married her...

 

I simply had an A bc I wanted to...bc I don't like my H...and idk for what other reason...I wasn't having a midlife crisis...I wasn't looking for validation...I loved this man (xMM) immensely 18 yrs ago...and when he presented the opportunity to have that again...I fell for it...that's all...

 

I have 3 sons....they do not know...neither does my H...as far as they know everything is just like always...

 

One of the BIG things that helped me walk away from xMM was his kids...as I've said in another thread...psycho BS has not sheltered her crazy from anyone...2 children are very involved over there...and even her grandchildren...and yes it's really very sad to realize my part in the act that hurt her...however I will not take blame for her own personal reaction to it...

[xxoo]

One of the BIG things that helped me walk away from xMM was his kids...as I've said in another thread...psycho BS has not sheltered her crazy from anyone...2 children are very involved over there...and even her grandchildren...and yes it's really very sad to realize my part in the act that hurt her...however I will not take blame for her own personal reaction to it...

 

I fear I'd be pretty crazy in her shoes...

 

I don't think I'd be capable of sheltering my kids from that level of pain. It would come out.

 

Are her children grown? Is she responsible for sheltering grown children from the truth?

[18Years2Late]

I fear I'd be pretty crazy in her shoes...

 

I don't think I'd be capable of sheltering my kids from that level of pain. It would come out.

 

Are her children grown? Is she responsible for sheltering grown children from the truth?

 

Her kids are 14 (girl) and 12 (boy)...She has a grown son from a 1st M whom she's never had custody of (???)...she cheated on her 1st H and he kicker her out...her grown son has 2 kids who she has also involved in this mess...even though they live 1000's of miles away from her...not necessary IMHO...

 

My sons are 15, 12, and 9...I will go to my grave protecting them from her and MY mistakes...my home and my family are protected by Smith & Wesson...but only for self-defense...bc as some other poster mentioned (jw I think) I certainly wouldn't put it past her to shown up on my front lawn one day...my eyes are open to that fact...

[jlola]

I'm sorry...

 

 

Here's my FOO issue...I hate my mother..,she's a narcissistic pig...and I married her...

 

I simply had an A bc I wanted to...bc I don't like my H...and idk for what other reason...I wasn't having a midlife crisis...I wasn't looking for validation...I loved this man (xMM) immensely 18 yrs ago...and when he presented the opportunity to have that again...I fell for it...that's all...

 

I have 3 sons....they do not know...neither does my H...as far as they know everything is just like always...

 

..

 

Why did you stay married to a man you did not like and then have children with him? This is what I can never understand. I have heard people who put up with BS like my mother say that stupid line "But I love him". When you have no love for someone who is making you miserable, why stay????

 

18, regardless to whether or not you end up alone, you need to leave this marriage. I would rather work 2 jobs if need be than have to live with a narcissistic man. I would beg my mother to leave the marriage because my father has that disorder. that sort of person does NOT make a good parent as ypu have seen from your mother. So again, why do you stay????

[bentnotbroken]

Her kids are 14 (girl) and 12 (boy)...She has a grown son from a 1st M whom she's never had custody of (???)...she cheated on her 1st H and he kicker her out...her grown son has 2 kids who she has also involved in this mess...even though they live 1000's of miles away from her...not necessary IMHO...

 

My sons are 15, 12, and 9...I will go to my grave protecting them from her and MY mistakes...my home and my family are protected by Smith & Wesson...but only for self-defense...bc as some other poster mentioned (jw I think) I certainly wouldn't put it past her to shown up on my front lawn one day...my eyes are open to that fact...

 

 

The danger to your family isn't only from external forces. The internal ones are pretty jacked up and more insidious.

[alexandria35]

Her kids are 14 (girl) and 12 (boy)...She has a grown son from a 1st M whom she's never had custody of (???)...she cheated on her 1st H and he kicker her out...her grown son has 2 kids who she has also involved in this mess...even though they live 1000's of miles away from her...not necessary IMHO...

 

My sons are 15, 12, and 9...I will go to my grave protecting them from her and MY mistakes...my home and my family are protected by Smith & Wesson...but only for self-defense...bc as some other poster mentioned (jw I think) I certainly wouldn't put it past her to shown up on my front lawn one day...my eyes are open to that fact...

 

You are so very judgemental of the BW, yet your history doesn't read all that much better than hers. I don't think you hide this crap from your sons to protect them so much as you want to protect yourself. You cheated on your husband, you stay with a partner you don't even like and you are not authentic to yourself or your family. You are not better than the BW

[18Years2Late]

Why did you stay married to a man you did not like and then have children with him? This is what I can never understand. I have heard people who put up with BS like my mother say that stupid line "But I love him". When you have no love for someone who is making you miserable, why stay????

 

18, regardless to whether or not you end up alone, you need to leave this marriage. I would rather work 2 jobs if need be than have to live with a narcissistic man. I would beg my mother to leave the marriage because my father has that disorder. that sort of person does NOT make a good parent as ypu have seen from your mother. So again, why do you stay????

 

Because I'm not miserable enough yet to put my children through an ugly D...my H is a good father...he isn't just like my mother as far as the Narcissism...he just has all her other not so attractive traits...

 

If I leave my H he will fall apart...he's already depressed...and he'll do the crying, depressed, oh poor pitiful me, look what your mother has done to me act...in front of my kids...and I can't handle that right now...simple as that...One day I will...

 

I don't need anything from my H...I'm an executive at a large company...and I'd give both my legs to b alone...my H was a SAHD until recently and isn't ready to support himself at this point...another thing that would seem to my children as not very nice of their mother if I left him...

 

Yes...I'm in a bad situation...internally...externally we're fine...the kids are fine...one day I'll b fine too...just not right now...

 

Please save the lectures everyone...I've heard them all before...right now I'm doing what I think is best for my children...if it wasn't best I'd b gone with them...no one has a crystal ball...all anyone can do is try to do their best and that's what I feel I'm doing right now...

[18Years2Late]

The danger to your family isn't only from external forces. The internal ones are pretty jacked up and more insidious.

 

Maybe...maybe not...

[18Years2Late]

You are so very judgemental of the BW, yet your history doesn't read all that much better than hers. I don't think you hide this crap from your sons to protect them so much as you want to protect yourself. You cheated on your husband, you stay with a partner you don't even like and you are not authentic to yourself or your family. You are not better than the BW

 

Probably not...you're right...

 

I'm judgmental?...pot?...kettle?...

[18Years2Late]

Since this thread has now turned into a bash 18 for what a horrible W and mother she is...

 

My A was LD...only saw xMM F2F 2x in 18 months on 2 business trips where he met me...

 

My children and my H were well taken care of (same as any other time) for the entire affair...

 

I never spent any money on xMM...and if it had it would not have caused anyone to go without...

 

I didn't "stay late at work" to see xMM...

 

I didn't miss anything in my families life in order to see xMM..

 

To them I'm the same person I always was...to me?...well I'm working on that...

 

So unless anyone here has a crystal ball and can tell me with 100% certainty that what I'm going now is not best for my children...I will continue to do as I see best...when it's not best...I'll make some other decisions...

 

I may not b the best W...but I'm a dam good mother...just ask my kids...all 3 are happy, healthy, and functioning as fine young gentleman...why would I change that bc I should have made better decisions 18 years ago...