She's back...

[Ms. Red]

We have a LS analyst working for us! YAY! So nice of them to dedicate their time to set the record straight for us.

 

.like I said in another thread...the pain of staying is outweighing the pain of leaving...I'm not in pain anymore but u know what I mean...good luck to everyone...

 

This could read two ways. I think I know which way you mean. I'm sorry that a place that's supposed to be for support leaves one feeling this way. I hope that you can find some True Support to help you through this.

 

My supportive advice is that I think you should just ignore ignore ignore the broad. When the drama psycho woman gets no response she will eventually stop trying. And I don't think you should have to change your phone number. Screw that! I've had the same phone number for several years and can't imagine trying to contact everyone with the new number.

 

Now that you've contacted her and given her the chance to hear your answers; I think you should tell her that he ended it if that will help her choose to reconcile with him and leave you alone. Sometimes you just gotta lie for the greater good.

 

You said you're leaving here and I can understand why you need to. One should not have their every word critiqued and researched (thank you LS analyst) in a place they are expecting to give them support and advice for their situation. You spend more time defending yourself than getting help. There are places where you can get True Support without the judgement and cross interrogations.

 

I hope things work out for you 18 and I wish you well.

[donnamaybe]

This talk about true support... I believe the prior poster was making the point that one cannot lie to themselves and expect anything to get better.

 

True support? A woman in a many year long A pretended here to be happy with it all, then on another forum built for the sole purpose of allowing only posters willing to never contradict each other to join, she admitted being quite unhappy. Of course everyone probably merely advised her on how to stuff those feelings rather than advise her to end the source of her pain.

[mercy]

Encouraging someone to lie? How is that being supportive?

 

Hardest thing a person can do is stop lying to themselves.

 

You will forever be stuck in these emotions if you continue to lie, 18.

[MissBee]

This talk about true support... I believe the prior poster was making the point that one cannot lie to themselves and expect anything to get better.

True support? A woman in a many year long A pretended here to be happy with it all, then on another forum built for the sole purpose of allowing only posters willing to never contradict each other to join, she admitted being quite unhappy. Of course everyone probably merely advised her on how to stuff those feelings rather than advise her to end the source of her pain.

 

I doubt that some other forum, unless it has paid professionals, is going to magically have the "right" or "true" support. But then it goes back to what definition of support one is using. We all have an agenda, so to speak, or better yet a perspective from which we post and the great thing about LS IMO is that you have varying sets of agenda. It seems when most talk about true support or other support boards, it's one where all perhaps have one agenda....and I am suspicious of what that agenda is. Not to be dramatic but reminds me of cult recruitment tactics....or the famous line of "Come over to the dark side...we have ["true"] cookies"

 

Anyway....to the bolded, which was the main point of me responding and not really what I said before

 

Truthfulness to self is indeed foremost. IRL, I don't know about anyone else, but if I had a friend asking for advice but I felt like she wasn't really telling the whole story or her story seemed to change everytime she told it or some such, I'd be quite annoyed too! In fact, it has happened before. I then realized that she would switch around her story as she saw fit or omit certain parts she didn't want critiqued and in the end was lying to me, but moreso to herself, as at the end of the day it's not really my problem. I got fed up of her and my attitude about her problems afterwards made her realize she was better off not bothering me with them unless she planned on being forthright...as I didn't have time for the rigmarole. It's not that I didn't care or didn't want to support her....but how can you help someone who is lying?? You can't....

 

 

I am not saying 18 is lying and so forth, I read the last couple pages and basically people have the assessment that I had in the earlier pages of this thread....which is that on one hand 18 seems exasperated like she is trying so hard to move on and on the other it seems like there is still a part of her, perhaps subconsciously, that has claws in the situation and has a little door open to further it and she cannot bear to close it for good. It seems as the story has unfolded others have seen precisely how that is and are pointing it out...but 18 is upset. As is expected. Most people don't like to be called out. I don't....most don't....but if I am honest with myself, after a while I can admit it and see it and thank people for pointing it out. Sooo...I hope 18 ultimately delves a bit deeper...as whether or not she leaves LS, her problems exist IRL anyway and whether or not LS thinks she is being truthful or not, when we log off we move on with our lives...she is still the one living it. So I hope genuinely that whatever she chooses works out to her satisfaction.

[whichwayisup]

I hope that you can find some True Support to help you through this.

So I, and many others haven't given 18 "True Support"?

Nice plug to the 'other' forum..

 

Anyway, 18 has already said she's leaving so why come and take pot shots at those who felt they were helping her. I guess in your eyes and some others eyes that 'nobody' here has given her helpful or 'true' support.

It is 'true support' not going against the grain and only giving advice that is happy go lucky and what someone wants to hear?

 

Good luck 18 and I hope you choose to come back to LS someday. PM me anytime..Take care.

[Ms. Red]

So I, and many others haven't given 18 "True Support"?

Nice plug to the 'other' forum..

 

Anyway, 18 has already said she's leaving so why come and take pot shots at those who felt they were helping her. I guess in your eyes and some others eyes that 'nobody' here has given her helpful or 'true' support.

It is 'true support' not going against the grain and only giving advice that is happy go lucky and what someone wants to hear?

 

Good luck 18 and I hope you choose to come back to LS someday. PM me anytime..Take care.

 

Never said there was no support. The good and positive posts get lost in the thick muck that is spewed.

 

We've heard the I'm leaving 'goodbye and good luck' statements from posters that do no such thing. I'm not gullible to believe their statements, so I post to them knowing there's a big chance they're not leaving and they will see what I post.

 

You're always an honest straight forward poster WWIU. You always post your true thoughts without hiding behind lies and bull $hit. You always mean what you say and say what you mean. I never once thought of you when I was referring to the non-supportive posts.

 

I'm sorry that I wasn't more clear on my post. I never meant to make honest posters like you feel bad.

[alexandria35]

We have a LS analyst working for us! YAY! So nice of them to dedicate their time to set the record straight for us.

 

 

 

This could read two ways. I think I know which way you mean. I'm sorry that a place that's supposed to be for support leaves one feeling this way. I hope that you can find some True Support to help you through this.

 

My supportive advice is that I think you should just ignore ignore ignore the broad. When the drama psycho woman gets no response she will eventually stop trying. And I don't think you should have to change your phone number. Screw that! I've had the same phone number for several years and can't imagine trying to contact everyone with the new number.

 

Now that you've contacted her and given her the chance to hear your answers; I think you should tell her that he ended it if that will help her choose to reconcile with him and leave you alone. Sometimes you just gotta lie for the greater good.

 

You said you're leaving here and I can understand why you need to. One should not have their every word critiqued and researched (thank you LS analyst) in a place they are expecting to give them support and advice for their situation. You spend more time defending yourself than getting help. There are places where you can get True Support without the judgement and cross interrogations.

 

I hope things work out for you 18 and I wish you well.

 

The thing is...I've read some of the threads on a support board that only the OW is allowed to post on but is open for public viewing and I've seen how "supportive" some of those OW are. It ranges from the absurd ("don't be upset that your MM lied to you about being home sick when he was actually on a tropical vacation with his wife, you know he hated it and was missing you the whole time") to downright mean and nasty. When these OW get pissed at each other they come right unhinged. One thing I've noticed on all forums is that when someone changes their story and starts contradicting themselves, other posters will notice it immediately and hone right in on it. OW "support" forums are no exception. I don't think there is any support forum where 18 yrs could have posted so many inconsistencies and contradictions and not have been called out on it.

 

I'm not calling her a liar but we know that for some reason she hasn't been entirely truthful here. She wants us to believe that she absolutely hates contact from the BW, has done everything in her power to put a stop to it but she can't succeed because BW is a relentless stalker, etc etc...Only to later say that she won't change her telephone number and furthermore when the BW called her up a couple of weeks ago they had a little chit chat that went on for over an hour.

 

So Ms. Red, your brilliant advice is that 18 yrs should just ignore the BW and she will go away. I happen to agree. I think many posters on your other "support" forum would have given the same advice. I think many would have told her to change her email addresses and her telephone number. Now are you telling me these same posters wouldn't become exasperated and suspicious when 18 yrs continously ignores their advice, goes to great lengths to convince BW that she is divorced, spends time creating fake email accts, copying and pasting false blocked messages, all for the purpose of having contact with the BW yet continues to claim that she "hates" contact and drama.

[wannabdone]

The thing is...I've read some of the threads on a support board that only the OW is allowed to post on but is open for public viewing and I've seen how "supportive" some of those OW are. It ranges from the absurd ("don't be upset that your MM lied to you about being home sick when he was actually on a tropical vacation with his wife, you know he hated it and was missing you the whole time") to downright mean and nasty. When these OW get pissed at each other they come right unhinged. One thing I've noticed on all forums is that when someone changes their story and starts contradicting themselves, other posters will notice it immediately and hone right in on it. OW "support" forums are no exception. I don't think there is any support forum where 18 yrs could have posted so many inconsistencies and contradictions and not have been called out on it.

 

I'm not calling her a liar but we know that for some reason she hasn't been entirely truthful here. She wants us to believe that she absolutely hates contact from the BW, has done everything in her power to put a stop to it but she can't succeed because BW is a relentless stalker, etc etc...Only to later say that she won't change her telephone number and furthermore when the BW called her up a couple of weeks ago they had a little chit chat that went on for over an hour.

 

So Ms. Red, your brilliant advice is that 18 yrs should just ignore the BW and she will go away. I happen to agree. I think many posters on your other "support" forum would have given the same advice. I think many would have told her to change her email addresses and her telephone number. Now are you telling me these same posters wouldn't become exasperated and suspicious when 18 yrs continously ignores their advice, goes to great lengths to convince BW that she is divorced, spends time creating fake email accts, copying and pasting false blocked messages, all for the purpose of having contact with the BW yet continues to claim that she "hates" contact and drama.

 

 

I think in theory a "normal" person would just go away if you ignore. But there are some cases ( and not sure if this is one or not as I have not been on here in a while and am just getting in on the end of this thread) that there are not "normal" people involved. The BS could have already been a off mentally and the lying and deception and hurt and has driven her over the edge. Maybe he has a new OW and thinks its you, maybe shes trying to show you just how crazy it she can be so you will leave her H alone, maybe its a host of things, or everything combined.

 

I have been in the SAME place of anger that the 18 has been in. And yes, when his W contacted me, I hated it but there was a level of satisfaction I gained from it cuz I knew things were not wonderful. I was holding out hope that they would essentially destroy eachother and he would leave. But I soon realized that this was a sick and twisted game....and one that he was very much involved in and helped orchastrate. I stopped blamming everyone else, and started realizing that I had made this thing happen too, and I had contributed to the game over and over again. Sure I loved him deeply, and I still do. I don't know if I will ever stop. But I can not be a part of the cycle or the game any longer.

 

I think its good that 18 can put her email on here..... I think no matter how many contridictions she has in her story, we shouldn't jump to each time she does contridict herself. Even if this is passing time by and very much plans on seeing MM again, some where this is helping her process and at some point the processing will help her.

[frozensprouts]

18,

i do hope you don't decide to leave...

 

i know some of what has been said to you on here has been harsh, but i really think most people were trying to help. they don't want to see you get hurt.

[wannabdone]

18,

i do hope you don't decide to leave...

 

i know some of what has been said to you on here has been harsh, but i really think most people were trying to help. they don't want to see you get hurt.

 

 

I agree with FS. There are some ppl on here who come on to just argue and to act like an ass. But you know who those ppl are and just read over their posts. But there are some ppl on here, that might come across harsh, but really are trying to help. Don't lose the valuable info your getting from some, because of what others say.

[18Years2Late]

So I, and many others haven't given 18 "True Support"?

Nice plug to the 'other' forum..

 

Anyway, 18 has already said she's leaving so why come and take pot shots at those who felt they were helping her. I guess in your eyes and some others eyes that 'nobody' here has given her helpful or 'true' support.

It is 'true support' not going against the grain and only giving advice that is happy go lucky and what someone wants to hear?

 

Good luck 18 and I hope you choose to come back to LS someday. PM me anytime..Take care.

 

I'm still lurking...I like the LS support (mostly) and the "true" support...both have pluses and minuses...here at LS lately I feel like I'm constantly trying to defend myself against incorrect assumptions some people are making about me...on the "dark" side (as someone put it) I'm constantly wondering why I couldn't have been "satisfied" being the OW...idk know which is worse...I am glad that I found LS first however bc the "tough" support was what I needed at the time...so that I could "get over" the A...now the tough is just aggravating...but I'm hanging out in both places right now...

 

BTW...no long list of questions came from BS by the deadline last night...haven't heard from her at all since I asked her for the list...not sure what that means...my assumption is that she doesn't really have any questions...she just enjoys pestering me...like I said before she's "getting me back"...

 

So...let's say she does send the questions at some point in the future...do I answer them still or tell her no she missed out???...

[Mme. Chaucer]

So...let's say she does send the questions at some point in the future...do I answer them still or tell her no she missed out???...

 

Answering the questions AND/OR telling her "no, you missed out" are both engaging with her.

 

This thread is very long, but I still don't understand why you won't change your phone number and then never, ever interact with her again. And if she escalates, file a complaint for stalking or harassment. It's not complicated to get a restraining order.

[18Years2Late]

Answering the questions AND/OR telling her "no, you missed out" are both engaging with her.

 

This thread is very long, but I still don't understand why you won't change your phone number and then never, ever interact with her again. And if she escalates, file a complaint for stalking or harassment. It's not complicated to get a restraining order.

 

I'm not changing my phone #...I'm doing what I need to do...if you don't like the length of my thread...stop making it longer...

[18Years2Late]

I don't think she ever will.

 

He was going to be the one to save her . . . and she him. They were going to be martyrs for their children and sacrifice to remain in their "horrible" marriages until the kids were old enough. They were meant to be and they were doing the "right thing" for the children by keeping it a secret.

 

No matter how many times 18 tries to deny it - she is using the BS to hold on to hope. The hope that when xMM/BS's kids head off to college, he won't tell her it's a bad time right now. Hope that when xMM/BS's kids start getting married, he won't tell her it's a bad time right now. Hope that when xMM/BS's grandchildren start coming, he won't tell her it's a bad time right now.

 

As long as she causes the marriage and the BS to be in turmoil, there is hope. As long as the xMM and BS think she's divorced, there is hope.

 

Do you all really think I "need" to keep BS in my life so there's "hope" or for some sick pleasure of knowing they are in turmoil?...or that I still have some "link" to him...did you all forget that I still have a way to contact xMM?...I don't...he still has a way to contact me...he doesn't...I'm going to a conference in a month and will b less than a mile from his house...not a question I could see him if I wanted to...but I don't...I ended the A against his wishes...I could start it again at any time with or without this perceived weak link of the BS...so please give me a break...the worst part for me is knowing I could have the A again at any time with just a few words...I don't "need" her for anything...

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not changing my phone #...I'm doing what I need to do...if you don't like the length of my thread...stop making it longer...

 

WHY won't you change your phone number? Please just answer.

[18Years2Late]

So then CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. I cannot even believe you asked us if you should answer her if she contacts you again in the future. That emoticon I posted in the post above was the "confused" emoticon.

 

 

 

He's never going to leave her. If she gets "crazy" enough, you think he may just do it . . . especially if he thinks you're divorced.

 

Nope wrong again...I don't need her to leave him either...in fact if she left him and it wasn't his choice...that would certainly seal the deal that he would never b with me again...although chances are REAL slim that I'd take him back even if it was his choice to leave...

[18Years2Late]

WHY won't you change your phone number? Please just answer.

 

Because I don't want to...bc I'm in total control of MYSELF and MY actions even with the same phone #...

[18Years2Late]

You told her she had seven days to ask you and then if she contacted you again in any manner you would file a restraining order.

 

Why would you ask this question of the board?

 

Idk...nevermind...sorry I asked...figures I'd get no straight answer...I'm deleting the fake email now...she missed out...too bad for her...

[Mme. Chaucer]

Okay, sorry, but I don't believe you anymore.

[18Years2Late]

Okay, sorry, but I don't believe you anymore.

 

Believe what exactly?

[wannabdone]

18, Idk as none of us do the exact reasons for why you won't do something that some of us would do. But I don't think there is a "set guidelines" of getting a MM out of your heart or mind. Change your number, don't change your number, move, don't move, change your email address, don't change your email address.... some people do these things, some people don't. But the fact is no matter what you change or don't change, if someone wants to find you, with modern technology, they will. And it really boils down to if you have processed things, and are ready to let it go....so if and when he does contact you, you don't answer or call back. So I really see the changing the number as an invalid point. No matter what you do, it will boil down to if you want to continue it or not.

 

I have had a very long on going A, and IMHO think that there might be a level of satisfaction continuing contact with the BS. IDK, I could be wrong. Not that you need to be in contact with her to get back with him, but maybe subconciously it keeps you knowing there are problems and it is driving her crazy. I have been in your shoes, with the BS acting like a physco, and never leaving me be. But, I took a hard long look at myself and realized that there was a level of satisfaction I was gaining from it. My BS STILL tries to contact me and my H, even though I do not talk or see her H. I have simply started logging all of them, and have had my attorney draw up a letter to inform her that there will be legal actions taken if she continues. I do not want any further contact from her. In my state getting a VPO isn't so easy, you have to show clearly it is harrassment, and it just can't be from a phone call once a month. I am hoping that the letter (that I have sent via certified mail) will help let her know that I am not joking around. My h and I have both sent her emails telling her to stop or we would contact our attorney, but that hasn't done any good as of yet.

 

The fact is, I know how hard it is to let this go. Geez, the hardest thing I have ever done. It was also just as hard to really take a long hard look at myself and realize that I did this devestation to myself. Also to realize that there was something deep down in side of me, that wanted to know they were miserable, keeping my enemies closer, and probably a level of compeition involved as well. What the biggest problem is there are certain expectations I think that everyone puts on people that have been in an A. Change numbers, NC, etc. And although we say we don't want to talk to them, and at times mean it, we very much keep if even our pinky toe in the door. Its hard to let someone go who we loved so deeply, its hard to want and hope for something that never happened. And its even harder to admit to the truth of exactly how we feel, probably because we ourselves don't want to own it, and we don't want every one coming on our thread telling us how incredibily stupid we are.

 

Like I said, every single thing might very well be true. You might feel the way you say and be done. But, something tells me maybe not. Just try to really examine your feelings and see if there isn't (if even a small part of you) maybe holding onto something. And if thats the case, thats okay..... your owning it and if people don't like hearing the truth of how you feel....oh well. But this I know, you will never be able to really move on with your life until you own and admit how you feel. Just like they say with drug abusers and alch's, the first step is admitting.

 

I was involved with a MM for almost 10 years, I loved him like I have never loved anyone in my life. He lied to me, hurt me, more times than I can count. I desperately hung on to what ever shread of hope I could. Even after all of this.... I fully admit, I still love him. I still want him, I still think fondly of him, I still miss him every day. But the only thing I can do is logically argue with myself, (isn't this how people get started with multiple personalities? LOL )...... but when I start wanting to email him or what ever, I start thinking about everything logically, and I don't. With that I have been released of the anger that I had for the BS, and everything she has done to me, and see it for what it is. I don't get ate up with it anymore. Sure I get tired of when she calls, and think geez lady....GET A LIFE. But, I see it for the the VERY sick and twisted game it was. And how no matter how much I didn't want to admit it, I was part of continuing to keep it going. I just refuse to be a part of that sickness any longer.

 

If you don't wish to change your number, I get it..... to me thats neither here nor there. I think we get caught up on one subject too much and run with it. Just know that there are people here who understand, and whether you go back a 100x or never again, your not a "bad" person as people would like to label. You are apparently in love, and when you are in love it is hard to see things for how they are and how they should be.

 

IMO, I think for your sanity, just leave the BS be. Let them live their lives, let them deal with eachother. You can't be the one that she takes things out on, its him she needs to deal with. You didn't stand before God and family and tell her until death do you part, he did.

 

Good luck to you. And keep posting. Trust me, even if everyone argues with you and doesn't believe or agree with you. Just getting it out, does help!!!!

[whichwayisup]

 

BTW...no long list of questions came from BS by the deadline last night...haven't heard from her at all since I asked her for the list...not sure what that means...my assumption is that she doesn't really have any questions...she just enjoys pestering me...like I said before she's "getting me back"...

 

So...let's say she does send the questions at some point in the future...do I answer them still or tell her no she missed out???...

 

Ignore her. You have spoken to her enough times and you gave her a week to figure out what she wanted to ask you and she's fallen silent. Her time is up so now it's time to shut the door on her and soldier on, don't look back.

 

Whatever her intentions are now doesn't matter. Focus on truly letting go and moving forward in your own life.

[frozensprouts]

you gave her the opportunity to have her questions asked, and she chose not to take you upon your offer.

 

if she chooses to try and contact you now, will you file for the restraining order?

 

with any luck, she's started to move on.

 

here's to brighter days ahead for both you and her

[awkward]

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Follow through with the consequences you outlined in your email if she makes further contact.

 

As for your healing, I suggest you delete the alternate contact that you have with XMM for emergency purposes. You may also want to consider exactly why it is that you don't want to change your number. You don't need to explain it to LS, but you should at least be honest with yourself.

 

Finally, the BS will find your husband and tell him. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but she will. I'd guess that it will happen within the next two years. Since you are just co-parenting with your husband, you may want to consider sharing this information with him.

[wannabdone]

Good post wannabdone and I agree with most of it, but the bolded....I don't understand.

 

Why do you still love a man that mistreated you so badly for so long?? And I'm guessing there is a bid dose of humiliation to go with it too. So tell me why...... what is there to love? I must be stranger than I thought because I got over the feelings of love for xmm pdq but the rest of it has been very hard, but I'm almost there.

 

Sorry for the t/j.

 

 

LOL.... to heck if I know. Logically I shouldn't..... and I hate his actions, but I just can't say anything other than the truth right now, thats the only way I can process it and stay in a peaceful place. Right now I am okay with that I love him for unknown reasons. Maybe I feel like I deserve to be mistreated? Maybe he put a spell on me. All I know is we can love people who are not always good to us and for us, and many times more than not, we do. But, learning to love yourself is key, and I apparently have not for a long time, since I kept allowing to be the door mat. First step was being honest with myself, what I was doing to cause all of the harm, second was being honest with him and telling him for the first time and meaning it that I really wanted no part of this any longer.... saying it with a true sense of nothing more than that is what I wanted....no hidden agenda's of he will see he will lose me, etc. Just plainly because I didn't want to be a part of the cycle any longer.

 

Like I said, where I am now is accepting my actions, and even though I have those times where I feel the "sting" and want to reach out to him.... I can talk myself through it. I can see what it is, and how harmful it would be to me and everyone else and I don't. It gets less and less, but it still creeps up from time to time. I still think of him often..... the wanting to reach out is less and less. But the wanting ANY part of it is gone..... completely. And that alone is nice!