She's back...

[Angelina527]

Of course, you don't owe her any favors.

 

Yes she does. It's common decency.

 

In the grand scheme of things, 18, 6 months is nothing compared to the pain.

 

You need to answer the question so this poor woman can get on with her life.

[Angelina527]

I'm not bitter, angry, jealous, self-righteous, or mad bc she kept me from my man...I DON'T WANT HIM...I WANT HER TO KERP HIM...therefore, I will not answer the question...I do not respond to her anymore, about anything, for any reason, by any method...instead I post here (mistake #2) and then listen yo what a mean selfish horrible person i am...I think I'm doing the honorable thing by not answering the question...do you think that will HELP anyones situation...his, hers, or mine?...I DID NOT send the email...I WAS NOT DUMPED...I DUMPED HIM...

 

I hope that clears it up for some of you...

 

There is nothing honorable about refusing this woman the truth that she seeks.

[spice4life]

Thanks Spice! I'm glad someone remembers...

 

Thanks everyone else too...I truly appreciate all the replies...really...

 

I'm learning toward answering her...BUT...since she won't believe either answer I give...I'm thinking about lying to her...telling her he dumped me...because at the end of the day the only person I should be concerned about protecting is ME...and lying to her (for the first time) will protect me...and (LOL) maybe this time it really will be the last question...at least I can hope...Either way she will assume I'm lying...so either answer will b exactly the same result...

 

I agree with wwiu...huge mistake. Stay out of it as you have been. By blocking her, you set a boundary that it's time for them to deal with the marriage. By remaining NC will help her in the sense that she will have to deal with what's right in front of her...her marriage. By contacting her you are enabling her to stay in denial and focus elsewhere instead of where she should be and that is her own healing and her husband. If he is not being transparent and is still gaslighting her, then that is all she needs to know. That right there provides the answers she is seeking, which is that he is still capable of cheating on her.

 

She should be doing a 180 and demanding transparency from him. If he is not tripping over himself and doing whatever it takes to prove he wants to rebuild then she has decisions to make. By contacting her, you give her a reason to focus elsewhere instead of where she should be. JMHO.

 

It's your choice though. If you want to throw a wrench into your own healing and invite drama back into your life, then go ahead. Staying NC and ignoring her is doing the RIGHT thing for everyone involved. It puts the focus where it should be.

Edited February 23, 2012 by spice4life

[18Years2Late]

I agree with wwiu...huge mistake. Stay out of it as you have been. By blocking her, you set a boundary that it's time for them to deal with the marriage. By remaining NC will help her in the sense that she will have to deal with what's right in front of her...her marriage. By contacting her you are enabling her to stay in denial and focus elsewhere instead of where she should be and that is her own healing and her husband. If he is not being transparent and is still gaslighting her, then that is all she needs to know. That right there provides the answers she is seeking, which is that he is still capable of cheating on her.

 

She should be doing a 180 and demanding transparency from him. If he is not tripping over himself and doing whatever it takes to prove he wants to rebuild then she has decisions to make. By contacting her, you give her a reason to focus elsewhere instead of where she should be. JMHO.

 

It's your choice though. If you want to throw a wrench into your own healing and invite drama back into your life, then go ahead. Staying NC and ignoring her is doing the RIGHT thing for everyone involved. It puts the focus where it should be.

 

Ok ok ok...my lips are sealed...as I originially thought they should be...just that some posts were causing me a little second guessing...but I'm good now...no answers from me...

[jlola]

As someone said earlier, " I would not wish her fate on you".

 

I truly hope you never have a husband who is telling another woman how much he loves her, while he lays with you in bed and tells you the same.

 

I hope you never have a husband who is thinking of another woman while he is physically with you.

 

I hope you never have a husband who makes you wonder if he really is working late, or with another woman.

 

I hope you never have to hear your husband's phone ring and get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, wondering it it's "her".

 

I hope you never have a husband who is holding hands with another and romancing her, while you are neglected at home.

 

I hope you never have a husband who is telling another woman, the reason he is having an affair is because his needs aren't being met. Meanwhile the neglect and disrespect he gives you is ok. He is not meeting ANY of your needs, but he doesn't care cause it's all about HIM!!!!!

 

I hope you never have a husband who writes love letters and professes love to another woman and you find those letters. They will haunt you for life.

 

I hope you never have a husband who has so little respect for you and your children, he willingly brings in a 3rd party to wreck havoc.

 

I hope you never have a husband who manipulates and lies so well, you don't know if you are coming or going.

 

Because IF you ever did have such a husband, you would understand the pain and understand the crazy you see now, is what HE created.

 

My mother, the sanest, most loving , most beautiful woman I have ever known has gone through bouts of craziness created by my father's gaslighting,manipulating and romantic affairs. Yes, she went through all of those things. Drama created by a very selfish man to feed his ego. We all went through humiliation and devaluation. Kids suffer just as much as the parents do.

 

IF you can ask, why did she stay? Then I would ask you why is there 15% of you weak enough to even consider taking this man back?

 

You see(Not making excuses, because it is a crazy situation) my mother is still remembering the man my father presented himself to be when she met him. Loyal,faithful.kind. She is remembering the man of character she fell in love with.

 

But you were privy to a person the BS was not privy to before she married So some parts of her may still remember the man who showed her character and integrity..You saw and met the liar,manipulator,user,cheater .

 

To get involved with anyone who from the get go has shown you they can lie,cheat,manipulate and disrespect another is something you need to question yourself on. As Oprah say, "When someone shows you who they are.....believe them. He showed you much more of who he was initially then he ever showed her.

 

She is still in love with the idea of the man she first met. She fell in love with a man she thought Kind,loyal,with integrity and character. irrationally hoping he will go back to being that person. The man you first met and fell in love with is NOONE anyone should want to be with!!!! The traits he initially showed should have had you RUNNING for the hills!!!

Edited February 23, 2012 by jlola

[frozensprouts]

( this is just my opinion, and I'm not saying it's really a great idea, but , I have tried putting myself into your position, and this is what I came up with...if it sounds like a crappy idea, i apologize)

 

my advice would be...

 

email her ( or contact her in whatever way she contacts you and tell her that you are sick of he bugging you, but that you are willing to give her one last chance to ask any and all questions she may have. Tell her you will give her one week to figure out what she wants/needs to know, and at the end of the week she can email her questions to you (tell her you will only answer one email, sent at the end of the week...set up a new web based email address- hotmail, gmail, whatever,just for this purpose, and use that to contact her and as the one she should respond to) and you will respond one week from when you get her email. If she replies with questions, do your best to answer them openly and honestly without trying to spare her feelings. She needs the truth. Providing answers to her questions may also be helpful to you, as it will be a great opportunity for personal growth....you are an intelligent person and are willing to be introspective...use this as an opportunity to do so.

 

At the end of your email, tell her that you ahve done your best to be honest and answer all her questions, and that you want no further conatct from her. let her know in very clear terms that if she contacts you again, you will file a restraining order against her and take further legal action she that not work. That way, she will have had fair warning and knows what your next step will be should she not leave you alone.

 

Then close the email account, and leave it at that. if she tries to contact

you again, then make good on your threat.

 

hopefully, you won't have to.

 

best of luck to you:)

[nofool4u]

I know I don't know the whole story, so I'm going with what you have posted.

 

Being betrayed makes one more than slightly nuts.........didn't you feel betrayed when you got thrown under the bus? So with that said, I don't see why you can't answer I suggest you answer her question, tell her you are NC with him, then tell her that you do not want to be contacted by her or him ever again or else.........(.what ever your consequences are.)

 

I realize you are venting, but damn........you are self righteous and very angry at her. It's ironic that you are putting it on her and reminding her that she should take it up with him and should be angry at him, but h e l l o, why the hell are you so angry at his wife??? Because you think she kept him from you?

 

I completely agree. This needed a bump.

[2sunny]

I never said I believe (now) anything that came out of his mouth...I was simply stating the "facts" that those things came out of his mouth...

 

I'm sure his wife feels the same way. I'm not advocating contact with her - but IF you consider it - it could be handing her some of HER peace of mind - by eliminating the things she is wondering about. Same as you - she's wondering whether or not to believe him... That fog... It's a tough one to get past. You may be her only chance at getting some truth.

[18Years2Late]

I'm sure his wife feels the same way. I'm not advocating contact with her - but IF you consider it - it could be handing her some of HER peace of mind - by eliminating the things she is wondering about. Same as you - she's wondering whether or not to believe him... That fog... It's a tough one to get past. You may be her only chance at getting some truth.

 

Absolutely I'm her only chance at the truth but I really feel like I've given her all the truth that is required from ME...the rest is between her and her H...I just feel like she will stalk me forever if I don't answer more questions...and she'll prob stalk me forever anyway...lose/lose for me...

[jlola]

I Very much doubt she will stalk you forever if she had answers. Someone suggested you allow her to email questions and you will give the answers. I think it is the humane thing to do.

 

You will never understand her pain, or the gaslighting someone like him is capable of. He is the crazymaker and she is reaching out right now because he has convinced her HE chose to stay, but she is not 100% buying it.

 

I have to ask you. Why would you give this man a 3rd chance to walk into your life and start this chaos again? 15% means you think you may be too weak to hold off. But you are not. You are a strong woman.

 

He was caught once, you took him back, caught twice, you took him back. Caught a 3rd time and you told him to go and broke it off. But in your own words, you said had he come back to you soon afterwards, you WOULD have taken him back. So the 3rd time he did not come back. So you were not that serious when you told him to leave. Were you just testing him. Counting on the fact he would be back as he did twice previously?

 

He gave you a gift. A gift of reflection without his B**L to fog up your mind. Now you know better because the beast has shown you his true nature from and you know you are strong enough to reject him PERMANENTLY!!!!

 

If you can say you do not know what you would do if his wife left and he came running back, you need to surround yourself with friends,tons of books,a therapist and keep busy.

 

Because as much as you cannot understand why his wife stays, we can say his wife has children, a home and intertwined life with him. It is harder for her to walk than it is for you.

 

You have no ties whatsoever.Why did you stay? Why are you afraid if his wife let him go, you would take him back? Does that not make you 2nd choice also? Why would you even consider taking a man back whos'e wife told him to go, now he comes to your front door and you open.

 

I guarentee you, if you stay away from that man for a year. Do a lot of reading and self reflection. By the time the year is up you will no longer see him as a soulmate. But a weak man who hid behind his wife and kids in order to suck you dry and lead you into a life a drama and pain. All for his own selfishness and ego.

 

We are all sisters here. I wish some woman would have offered my mother the same respect. But none of his mistresses did. None would face her.I'm sure my father lied his ass off to my mother about women all being initiators. I am sure it would have made all the diffrence in the world to her had she been able to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

She may still stay even after you give her the info and tell her you left him. But at least you would have given her what she asked since she really never asked you to intrude in on her life to begin with.

[Emme]

I just feel like she will stalk me forever if I don't answer more questions...and she'll prob stalk me forever anyway...lose/lose for me...

 

 

I really want to know how this woman keeps getting in contact with you. That is what's puzzling me. Are you in the public eye. Is your occupation the reason she's able to find you. Can you think of any way where she won't be able to contact you?

[Spark1111]

I really want to know how this woman keeps getting in contact with you. That is what's puzzling me. Are you in the public eye. Is your occupation the reason she's able to find you. Can you think of any way where she won't be able to contact you?

 

Emme, in this day and age you can find out just about anything you want about another.

 

It's really not that hard to do. All you need is a name, approximate age, and a geographic location and a computer.

[Emme]

Emme, in this day and age you can find out just about anything you want about another.

 

It's really not that hard to do. All you need is a name, approximate age, and a geographic location and a computer.

 

 

I'm concerned about how this woman is keeping contact. I know she's not knocking her front door. I'm assuming it's email or phone. If she has a large list of friends that she gives the new address to, she needs to curb that idea. Limit who knows your contact info. Also using her full name isn't necessary. I would like to know how contact is being made? It's falling now into harassment.

 

18, you need to cut your contact list to less than 10 people. Don't use your real name. From that list assess how she might be getting your personal information. If you are on FB get off it.

[MissBee]

Absolutely I'm her only chance at the truth but I really feel like I've given her all the truth that is required from ME...the rest is between her and her H...I just feel like she will stalk me forever if I don't answer more questions...and she'll prob stalk me forever anyway...lose/lose for me...

 

I doubt she will stalk you forever. But if both of you have a stand off....or if you choose to withhold this one answer, then yes, she will most likely continue asking.

 

Aside from protecting MM, which I admittedly want to give you a sisterly slap upside the head for that , I don't see why you can't just answer that one question and then from then on try to move forward. Except that it seems like this is your one arsenal you have now....holding this info.

 

If you answer there is a chance she will be satisfied and not bother you anymore. If you don't, she will continue to hunt for answers. One choice makes the continued harassment less likely. I'd just answer and once I finished answering it all I'd then know FOR SURE that after this, it is her problem.

[NoIDidn't]

I doubt she will stalk you forever. But if both of you have a stand off....or if you choose to withhold this one answer, then yes, she will most likely continue asking.

 

Aside from protecting MM, which I admittedly want to give you a sisterly slap upside the head for that , I don't see why you can't just answer that one question and then from then on try to move forward. Except that it seems like this is your one arsenal you have now....holding this info.

 

If you answer there is a chance she will be satisfied and not bother you anymore. If you don't, she will continue to hunt for answers. One choice makes the continued harassment less likely. I'd just answer and once I finished answering it all I'd then know FOR SURE that after this, it is her problem.

 

I agree.

 

It seems like holding on to this last piece of info makes 18 feel like she's got one up on this woman.

 

But one-up for what? If he's not worth it, tell her and be done with it.

[MissBee]

I agree.

 

It seems like holding on to this last piece of info makes 18 feel like she's got one up on this woman.

 

But one-up for what? If he's not worth it, tell her and be done with it.

 

That's how it seems to me too. It seems clear to me, and from what 18 said, that this is the final nail in the coffin, the "missing piece" that the wife wants to know to complete the puzzle. I do think that maybe 18 gets some satisfaction/power, even on a subconscious level of knowing this info and withholding it, especially since she 15% still wants this man. I think because I am not her and am well over my A, it seems like common sense to just tell this woman the truth and let what happens happens. Why does it matter if she leaves him? How is it your fault or problem? He chose to do this and had he not, then his wife wouldn't be thinking of leaving him. You are under no moral or ethical obligation to ensure that he lies to his wife some more so that she stays with him.

 

But I understand if one is not quite over it, how this may not be so easy and one still has one last "play" to make and this is it. 18 in fact admitted it, that the wife says that she will leave him if 18 was the one who broke it off, and 18 is scared that MM will return to her if this happens and that she won't be able to resist him; so her withholding the info is a way for him to stay married until she gets over him....I suppose aside from power, it is a round-about way of choosing not to be with him...which is, not that she is choosing, but allowing his wife to essentially keep him away from her as she is unable to choose to say no on her own at this time.

Edited February 24, 2012 by MissBee

[Angelina527]

That's how it seems to me too. It seems clear to me, and from what 18 said, that this is the final nail in the coffin, the "missing piece" that the wife wants to know to complete the puzzle. I do think that maybe 18 gets some satisfaction/power, even on a subconscious level of knowing this info and withholding it, especially since she 15% still wants this man. I think because I am not her and am well over my A, it seems like common sense to just tell this woman the truth and let what happens happens. Why does it matter if she leaves him? How is it your fault or problem? He chose to do this and had he not, then his wife wouldn't be thinking of leaving him. You are under no moral or ethical obligation to ensure that he lies to his wife some more so that she stays with him.

 

But I understand if one is not quite over it, how this may not be so easy and one still has one last "play" to make and this is it. 18 in fact admitted it, that the wife says that she will leave him if 18 was the one who broke it off, and 18 is scared that MM will return to her if this happens and that she won't be able to resist him; so her withholding the info is a way for him to stay married until she gets over him....I suppose aside from power, it is a round-about way of choosing not to be with him...which is, not that she is choosing, but allowing his wife to essentially keep him away from her as she is unable to choose to say no on her own at this time.

 

I agree...the problem with that, though is that the wife is going to be left in limbo not knowing anything for certain. Information that is potentially crucial to how another person proceeds with their life should be shared. To do otherwise, especially for one's own purposes, is cruel. Essentially, by not answering the question, she's leaving the wife in limbo and hurting her even more just because SHE wants her to stay with her husband so 18 doesn't have the temptation. That's just wrong.

 

I have to say that this thread has stirred up some severe emotions in me over the last few days. I've not slept for a day and a half and all I can do is cry.

 

As a betrayed wife, the comments have been a huge trigger for me because there are a couple of my husband's OW who taunted me but refused to give me any information or even an apology. It's been a very difficult pill to swallow and has hindered my healing. My husband, for all the wrongs he has done, has manned up and taken all responsibility, however these two women refuse. One woman did...she apologized and answered all questions and I truly forgave her because of her true remorse. She understood that i had every right to be angry at her. The others still haunt me. It's a cruel fate considering I did nothing to deserve it.

 

My point, in a long rambling way is to please give the wife the answers that she needs. You can't imagine how much more agony the refusal to answer adds to someone already hurting.

 

Some people can sit here and be armchair psychologists saying that the wife SHOULD be doing this or that. One of the other women told me that. She said, "why do you care about what I have to say; you should be focusing on your marriage...I did nothing wrong." What she didn't understand was that the questions I asked (in a respectful way) WERE because I was focusing on my marriage...I needed the answers so I could figure out how to proceed with my life. It's easy to say another person shouldn't care about the OW or what she has to say, but that's just not reality.

 

Now, as a former OW, I used to feel the same way about some of these issues...my husband's x wife needed to just move on with her life and forget...but now that I've been in her shoes, I would do everything in my power to ease as much of her pain as possible. If that were through answering questions, then so be it. I wish with all my heart that I could go back and time and help erase that pain, but I can't.

 

18, YOU can. You spent a year and a half with this man...I know you answered questions, but you need to do this one last thing. Tell her it's the last time.

 

After this, I'm going to have to bow out of this thread...I won't be reading at all. The blase attitudes some have about a woman in pain is heartbreaking and has affected me in ways I can't describe.

 

Do the right thing, 18.

[xxoo]

If the BS had contacted 18 legitimately, I would agree. Answer the question.

 

But 18 has tried and tried to make herself unreachable. And the BS is intentionally ignoring that and making contact. That's not right, and it should not be rewarded.

 

I have deep empathy for the bs. I can only imagine the pain of not knowing. But she may have to accept that the OW in her situation is not going to answer the question, and find a way to make peace with that. That is just reality. Cruel reality, yes.

 

If she can not find peace in her relationship with time, isn't that information enough?

[18Years2Late]

I agree...the problem with that, though is that the wife is going to be left in limbo not knowing anything for certain. Information that is potentially crucial to how another person proceeds with their life should be shared. To do otherwise, especially for one's own purposes, is cruel. Essentially, by not answering the question, she's leaving the wife in limbo and hurting her even more just because SHE wants her to stay with her husband so 18 doesn't have the temptation. That's just wrong.

 

I have to say that this thread has stirred up some severe emotions in me over the last few days. I've not slept for a day and a half and all I can do is cry.

 

As a betrayed wife, the comments have been a huge trigger for me because there are a couple of my husband's OW who taunted me but refused to give me any information or even an apology. It's been a very difficult pill to swallow and has hindered my healing. My husband, for all the wrongs he has done, has manned up and taken all responsibility, however these two women refuse. One woman did...she apologized and answered all questions and I truly forgave her because of her true remorse. She understood that i had every right to be angry at her. The others still haunt me. It's a cruel fate considering I did nothing to deserve it.

 

My point, in a long rambling way is to please give the wife the answers that she needs. You can't imagine how much more agony the refusal to answer adds to someone already hurting.

 

Some people can sit here and be armchair psychologists saying that the wife SHOULD be doing this or that. One of the other women told me that. She said, "why do you care about what I have to say; you should be focusing on your marriage...I did nothing wrong." What she didn't understand was that the questions I asked (in a respectful way) WERE because I was focusing on my marriage...I needed the answers so I could figure out how to proceed with my life. It's easy to say another person shouldn't care about the OW or what she has to say, but that's just not reality.

 

Now, as a former OW, I used to feel the same way about some of these issues...my husband's x wife needed to just move on with her life and forget...but now that I've been in her shoes, I would do everything in my power to ease as much of her pain as possible. If that were through answering questions, then so be it. I wish with all my heart that I could go back and time and help erase that pain, but I can't.

 

18, YOU can. You spent a year and a half with this man...I know you answered questions, but you need to do this one last thing. Tell her it's the last time.

 

After this, I'm going to have to bow out of this thread...I won't be reading at all. The blase attitudes some have about a woman in pain is heartbreaking and has affected me in ways I can't describe.

 

Do the right thing, 18.

 

Angelina...I'm very sorry for your pain and that my thread triggered some more...that was not my intention...

 

I have done the right thing...for 6 months I have given this woman everything she has asked for...I have been nothing but civil and respectful of her feelings...and believe me she hasn't done the same for me...she's nice until she gets what she wants...then she starts purposely pushing my buttons...her behavior since dday has been more than what should be expected and there are BS's here familiar with my story who would agree...as xxoo said...I will not reward anymore bad behavior...it has nothing to do with power...or withholding that last peice of the puzzle bc I think it's funny...I want her to go away...she has said numerous times this is the last time...it never ever is...the only way I can possible get her to go away now is to completely ignore her and hope that she will eventually get the message...

 

Last night I sent an email to a made-up address so that I'd get the message back from gmail saying the account didn't exist or had been closed...I copied it into the reply to her email and after changing some stuff to make it look real, I sent it to her...

 

Then...I have an app that blocks calls and plays a message that the phone # has been deleted...she's blocked...but it doesn't block texts...so I sent a text to xMM (I know I'm blocked on his phone) so that I'd get the message back saying the subscriber you've reached is unavailable...then I copied that and as soon as she sent a text I sent that blocking message back to her...

 

So know she thinks my new email has been deleted and I've blocked her from texts...or at least I hope she does...we'll see...

 

Now...anyone still want to say I'm not trying?...

[2sunny]

Did you answer her question - and answer honestly?

 

Did you tell her to never try to reach you from this point forward. That you are done?

[18Years2Late]

Did you answer her question - and answer honestly?

 

Did you tell her to never try to reach you from this point forward. That you are done?

 

I can't!!! That would blow my cover...I want her 2 think I never saw her messages...I've told her to stop contacting me until I'm blue in the face...it's pointless...

[2sunny]

And what was the point of sending a text to MM if you know you are blocked?

[xxoo]

And what was the point of sending a text to MM if you know you are blocked?

 

She wanted to get the "blocked" message and paste it onto a message to the BS....so that the BS thinks her number is blocked.

 

She wants the BS to conclude that the message was not received, and give up.

[2sunny]

Oh ----> ok!

 

Consider it a done deal. Any new form of her trying to communicate should be formally blocked. IF she persists in trying to reach you - it's best to consider having the cops show up at her door with a formal restraining order that you've filed.

[jlola]

 

Angelina...I'm very sorry for your pain and that my thread triggered some more...that was not my intention...

 

I have done the right thing...for 6 months I have given this woman everything she has asked for...I have been nothing but civil and respectful of her feelings...and believe me she hasn't done the same for me...she's nice until she gets what she wants...then she starts purposely pushing my buttons...her behavior since dday has been more than what should be expected and there are BS's here familiar with my story who would agree...as xxoo said...I will not reward anymore bad behavior...it has nothing to do with power...or withholding that last peice of the puzzle bc I think it's funny...I want her to go away...she has said numerous times this is the last time...it never ever is...the only way I can possible get her to go away now is to completely ignore her and hope that she will eventually get the message...

?...

 

So for 6 months while you were trying to give her all she asked for, she never asked you how the relationship ended or who ended it? Strange. That would have been the 1st question any Bs would ask if given such an opportunity.

 

Wonder why it took 6 months for that question to be detriment

to to her staying or leaving, when

for 6 months she not think of it at all.