She's back...

[Spark1111]

Because I don't want to...bc I'm in total control of MYSELF and MY actions even with the same phone #...

 

I've re-read the entire thread and here is what I think: You gave her 7 days to ask any question she wanted, but never heard from her again.

 

I believe she gave him an ultimatum to tell her the entire truth of your relationship or she would get the facts from you! And then be gone.

 

fBS here...and the trickle-truthing after the affair can make you crazy! While they are protecting themselves from having to admit it all out of shame, a BS often feels they are still protecting their fantasy and their AP.

 

If they remain unwilling to tell it all, and you are desperate to find out, calling the AP to verify info is not unusual. I threatened it on two occasions, but never intended to do it. And on both occasions he had lied again. MY gut instinct was returning and it was empowering to me!

 

She didn't call or email YOU. Whatever she wanted to know, he finally fessed up to. And that's a good thing for the relationship.

 

If he continues to be truthful, answering all her questions about the affair, they have a good shot at reconciling and she probably will not contact you again --UNLESS she finds evidence of continued contact, or a red flag goes off that he has omitted a truth from her.

[wannabdone]

I've re-read the entire thread and here is what I think: You gave her 7 days to ask any question she wanted, but never heard from her again.

 

I believe she gave him an ultimatum to tell her the entire truth of your relationship or she would get the facts from you! And then be gone.

 

fBS here...and the trickle-truthing after the affair can make you crazy! While they are protecting themselves from having to admit it all out of shame, a BS often feels they are still protecting their fantasy and their AP.

 

If they remain unwilling to tell it all, and you are desperate to find out, calling the AP to verify info is not unusual. I threatened it on two occasions, but never intended to do it. And on both occasions he had lied again. MY gut instinct was returning and it was empowering to me!

 

She didn't call or email YOU. Whatever she wanted to know, he finally fessed up to. And that's a good thing for the relationship.

 

If he continues to be truthful, answering all her questions about the affair, they have a good shot at reconciling and she probably will not contact you again --UNLESS she finds evidence of continued contact, or a red flag goes off that he has omitted a truth from her.

 

 

I agree with your statement. Also, to take it a step further think that we want to believe what we want to believe, so we will justifiy and do what we need to do so we can cope. He might have admitted the truth or he might not have, if he didn't she might have justified to the point she is okay with it, because she wants it to work. But, after time settles in and the shock and worry that he might leave fades, she might start putting it together and know something isn't right, to which she might reach out for the truth from you. Still I think the best thing is to not be involved, let them work it out.... after all its their marriage.

[Mme. Chaucer]

My take on this entire situation:

 

You are very invested in keeping contact with this woman, and thus with her husband, alive through whatever means you can. Including talking about it here on LS.

 

I think you have a long journey ahead of you if you are ever to get to a different place in your life. I hope you'll take it. You've been stuck here for a very very long time already.

[Spark1111]

I agree with your statement. Also, to take it a step further think that we want to believe what we want to believe, so we will justifiy and do what we need to do so we can cope. He might have admitted the truth or he might not have, if he didn't she might have justified to the point she is okay with it, because she wants it to work. But, after time settles in and the shock and worry that he might leave fades, she might start putting it together and know something isn't right, to which she might reach out for the truth from you. Still I think the best thing is to not be involved, let them work it out.... after all its their marriage.

 

Wannabedone, I have read your posts and find them articulate. You make many valid points and have obviously introspected to a better place.

 

My only reserve is that you cannot have it both ways. It was still THEIR marriage when you engaged in your affair. You have to have some accountability for that, unless you did not know he was married. You have to own your actions in making an already bad situation worse with whatever justifications you told yourself.

 

All to often, after the affair is over and now three people reel in pain, it seems both self-serving and cowardly to say, well leave them alone as it is their marriage NOW, IMO.

 

If you weren't all that concerned before to stay UNINVOLVED in their marriage, I find it condescending that now that it is over, you will remain uninvolved if a BS reaches out to you for some info or clarity or closure.

 

It's having it both ways.....the easiest ways for you, not her, or them.

[Owl]

18...here's the thing.

 

You know that the wife can and will contact you via your phone. PERIOD.

 

You know that she's done so repeatedly in the past. PERIOD.

 

If you choose not to remove her method of contacting you by changing your number...simply because you don't want to change it...then you are tacitly accepting and even encouraging future interaction between you and her.

 

PERIOD.

 

So...the bottom line is...what's going on right now is exactly what you've CHOSEN to have happen. You have the power to change it, but you've refused to excersise that power. Ergo...you've chosen to let this continue.

 

Simple enough to follow. Accept that for what it is...your choice. Given that, there's no reason to be angry with her, is there?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Simple enough to follow. Accept that for what it is...your choice. Given that, there's no reason to be angry with her, is there?

 

A scripted drama where everyone is playing their role - have been for years, and seem committed to continue.

[wannabdone]

Wannabedone, I have read your posts and find them articulate. You make many valid points and have obviously introspected to a better place.

 

My only reserve is that you cannot have it both ways. It was still THEIR marriage when you engaged in your affair. You have to have some accountability for that, unless you did not know he was married. You have to own your actions in making an already bad situation worse with whatever justifications you told yourself.

 

All to often, after the affair is over and now three people reel in pain, it seems both self-serving and cowardly to say, well leave them alone as it is their marriage NOW, IMO.

 

If you weren't all that concerned before to stay UNINVOLVED in their marriage, I find it condescending that now that it is over, you will remain uninvolved if a BS reaches out to you for some info or clarity or closure.

 

It's having it both ways.....the easiest ways for you, not her, or them.

 

 

Yeah, I see your point. I was just looking at it from the point that maybe the poster would make more drama by doing so. But, totally get what your saying.

 

I did talk to my BS, but wouldn't continue...as after I told her the info she wanted, I feel like it was between them two now. I have to deal with me, and they have to deal with them.

 

But I do see your point of what your saying....you helped create it, so you can't just walk away scott free. I guess I just see the best thing sometimes is cut it out of your life all together.