fooled once Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 fooled once, why do you think it is so bad that i talk to her brother? So far, she is lying to him. She is getting deeper into the lie. I think that once it is exposed, it will be impossible for him to be "on her side". I agree that by me not exposing it now,,,it is like i agree with what she's doing. In one way once I do expose it, she will probably say something like "I can't believe you knew about this for 1.5 months...and you still allowed me to be screwed by that dude...what kind of man are you..." I was going to respond but saw that stillafool wrote what I was thinking... Don't forget that no matter what his sister does she is still his sister. She will be there when you are long gone. So stop depending on her brother. If you really want him to know what a lying bitch she is confront her while he is there. Stop being so weak. I don't see Nick as being weak - I see him as scared. Scared to declare the marriage over. In his heart, he knows it is over, but he is scared to take that final step. If people can't deal with how Nick is handling this, stop flipping posting on this thread! He doesn't need your criticism because he isn't acting according to "your" guidelines/timetable. It isn't easy ending a marriage - no matter what happened to cause the marriage to end. I knew I wasn't going to be with my ex forever, but it took me time to come to the final place in my head where I was ready -- of course, he throwing me across the room in front of our son was the final 'kick' I needed Link to post Share on other sites
mysteriousbox Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 That is quite offending. Although I do understand what you mean, i sure not agree with her actions...but let me prove this point to you. How many men could accept such a wife? Obviously you accept it because actions speak louder than words typed on an anonymous forum. The crickets chirp louder in the night than you're anger at your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
JayL88 Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 He obviously doesn't accept it, he's just extremely apprehensive about going through with the confrontation. I recommend picking a day and time to do it, otherwise you'll just keep delaying forever. Brother there or not, just pick a day and stick to it. You're right, every extra day you wait she'll snicker at the fact that you waited so long to confront her. You don't want her to have anything on you to laugh about. She has disrespected you long enough. One way you could do it: laying out the evidence on the table, and wait for her to come home. Since you seem pretty passive, this should be an easy way for you to go through it with it. Instead of you just having those mind-f**ing thoughts should i tell her now? after dinner? before bed? etc. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Please, he is affirming her behavior through his passive aggressive attempts. Hinting that he knows through behavior, etc. Dude, grow a pair and ditch this slut. This is completely ridiculous. You've got to be the only dude I've heard of that wouldn't have done SOMETHING since this all began. Collecting evidence and biding time is just a cover for your true feelings. This whore gave you a son that now, yes, you love. Later those feelings may turn to resentment. It's very common. You're going to pay child support to her. How do you feel about that, when this kid isn't your flesh and blood? He may be your baby, but trust me, those funds won't always go to him. You need to stop dicking around, get a bulldog lawyer, get your **** straight, get your divorce papers set and get ready to file for custody. Drop the bomb on her and stop this pussy footing passive aggressive nonsense. It's hurting you, it's hurting the family. Though the kids and stbxw don't know for sure that you've got this nuclear warhead waiting, they can feel it. You're only hurting them and yourself by continuing to be a goddamned door mat. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 IIf people can't deal with how Nick is handling this, stop flipping posting on this thread! He doesn't need your criticism because he isn't acting according to "your" guidelines/timetable. This is an open forum and you don't decide what people can post. Is anyone telling you what to post? You have no idea which of these posts are actually helping Nick so just worry about your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 ...I don't see Nick as being weak - I see him as scared. Scared to declare the marriage over. In his heart, he knows it is over, but he is scared to take that final step..... fooled once, this is exactly my issue, no matter how some think otherwise. My extreme love to her blinded me for years...now the "left overs" of that love cause me to be scared to break it, the relationship, the future of the kids life. ...I knew I wasn't going to be with my ex forever, but it took me time to come to the final place in my head where I was ready -- of course, he throwing me across the room in front of our son was the final 'kick' I needed Well now I see where you're coming from. In addition you are a woman so you tend to think differently. It is great since it gives me another prospective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 mysteriousbox, yes and no. I see your point, but i do NOT accept it. Me flipping on her in the last month or so, stopping her from going out, now i stopped sleeping with her,...This is going to be exposed , and it is matter of days. JayL88, I don't think there's anything to laugh about as nothing can hurt me more than what she did. she might admit that she was sleeping with 10 other men...so? i already know she is a whore by her actions. But I will set a day probably sometime after the brother leaves. silic0ntoad, I'm steaming inside out. I have huge rage, and I will act soon. Some people are just slower than others. I'm not sure about your past or where you're coming from like ex, kids, etc...so I'm not sure if you really understand my position. stillafool, it is an open forum. And i understand and appreciate every single post here. I'm grateful for all advice given here. You all will be rewarded one way or another. God bless you all for helping me thru this time. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 silic0ntoad, I'm steaming inside out. I have huge rage, and I will act soon. Some people are just slower than others. I'm not sure about your past or where you're coming from like ex, kids, etc...so I'm not sure if you really understand my position. I don't have kids, never been married. But I've had two long term relationships that ended with me being cheated on. Needless to say, I've learned alot through those experiences. Your children will understand in time. I understand your position, I have many, many friends from broken homes. Children need a confident leader in their father. What I am telling you is you are wasting time. Ambient feelings are a REAL THING. When someone has a secret (as you and her both do) there is an unspoken, uncomfirmed tension. Children are far more receptive, much like pets (Look it up, for reals) to this tension. As adults we can usually ignore it. They cannot. Your inaction is causing more damage by the big uknown surprise you have prepared. Slowness is not an excuse. Your unwillingness to handle this and handle it now speaks larger volumes then this insidious little game you're playing. We're all scared. But sometimes bro you just have to do what you have to do. And in this case, for your sake, and your children's sake, you need to stop playing games and do the ****ing thing, coz life ain't waiting and it ain't willing to give us all the perfect circuimstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 I don't get it either. WHY are you afraid of the confrontation, of "ending it" when you've already decided in your mind and heart that it's over and reconciliation is impossible? This isn't that tough. Either you have hope that you can reconcile...and therefore you try that path...or you don't, and you move to divorce. What you're doing is NOTHING. You're not moving in any direction. All you're doing is sitting there hurting. That doesn't help you, her, or your kids. If you want something to change...change something. If you change nothing...then nothing will change. But don't just sit there and hope that something will change. That's just a recipe for more pain. That's just agreeing to and signing up for more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 Update: 1) Seems like she decided to break up with her OM. Again same talk about him not carrying about her and stuff. So she called him "to say good bye" I think it is because of the constant pressure on her and maybe her thinking that if she stops it now, and i start to "really" investigate this, so i could not find any evidence... 2) I checked some of the recordings from a month ago again...and found a (rare) conversation between the W and OM A...(remember him...the one i think is the dad...). She explains to him that I'm out and when i'm coming back...etc. Then she asks him when he's to finish his work... Then she asks him about his schedule for next day and he's saying that if I'm not home he is coming...And it just hit me...I realize now, that this guy A is also in her bed these days....That makes her doing (at least) 3 guys at the same time...but worse, she is doing OM1 for the last 6 years...I knew that she was in contact with him as a friend... My problem is/was that i could not imagine her doing anything like that...after i caught her 5-6 years ago...That is really humiliating...and you guys and gals can now feel free to drop anything on me...because i deserve it. I was sooooo blind beyond ridiculous. Or she simply did excellent job hiding it. Link to post Share on other sites
country_gurl Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Update: 1) Seems like she decided to break up with her OM. Again same talk about him not carrying about her and stuff. So she called him "to say good bye" I think it is because of the constant pressure on her and maybe her thinking that if she stops it now, and i start to "really" investigate this, so i could not find any evidence... 2) I checked some of the recordings from a month ago again...and found a (rare) conversation between the W and OM A...(remember him...the one i think is the dad...). She explains to him that I'm out and when i'm coming back...etc. Then she asks him when he's to finish his work... Then she asks him about his schedule for next day and he's saying that if I'm not home he is coming...And it just hit me...I realize now, that this guy A is also in her bed these days....That makes her doing (at least) 3 guys at the same time...but worse, she is doing OM1 for the last 6 years...I knew that she was in contact with him as a friend... My problem is/was that i could not imagine her doing anything like that...after i caught her 5-6 years ago...That is really humiliating...and you guys and gals can now feel free to drop anything on me...because i deserve it. I was sooooo blind beyond ridiculous. Or she simply did excellent job hiding it. And yet, despite this newest revelation, you're still not busting her. You'll just continue to post here for days/weeks about all of this drama. What do you even post here for if you're not willing to make a change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) country_gurl, my point (2) is big for me....major. Just couple of days to go till the brother leaves. The current OM 9my focus on busting them) is really not the major problem but more like one of her tools she was/is using/playing with. SHE is my problem. And I am going to fix this problem - Watch! Edited October 4, 2011 by Nickster1 Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 country_gurl, my point (2) is big for me....major. Just couple of days to go till the brother leaves. The current OM 9my focus on busting them) is really not the major problem but more like one of her tools she was/is using/playing with. SHE is my problem. And I am going to fix this problem - Watch! Need suggestions? Just ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 Need suggestions? Just ask. What do you have in mind? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 Quick note: She tried to call him today...he didn't answer. I guess the (good bye) call she made 2 days ago was not really a good bye... Link to post Share on other sites
macgyver359 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I do not talk very much here, but I think this needs to be said. I'm not trying to be nasty to you. I think you need help. I have never seen or herd of a male. Who's wife has done so much !#@* wrong, ever act like this. You have to be a beta male, who has had a very hard time with there childhood. Now, I think you are a nice guy, but you need to do something NOW. Stand up and take control. I know you have been reading all over the place for weeks on this kind of problem. I think you need help by a therapist soon. Please, for the love of god, get help. I think deep down, you know what I'm talking about. 2 Years from now, you will look in the mirror and say. What did I do to myself ? I should have done this, or this, or this/ (THIS WAY) I hope you make the right call in the next 24 hours. P.S. I was just like you, a long time ago. Getting help, was the best thing I ever did. My therapist gave me some books on how to be a better man/ alpha male. Everything, from my job, to my love life, even my health changed over night. I feel great, people respect me more, and better yet, I respect me. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 It is clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. One more time: if you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 macgyver359, I read you...In many ways I do agree with you. But I really didn't have rough time in childhood, maybe just dominant (over protective) mother. My recent discovery of my W's life woke me up. I'm no longer that naive. I grown up ten fold years compared to what i was prior. I'm going to expose her in the next couple of days. Bryanp, I agree that if I'm not going to respect myself, no one would. I think she is/was doing whatever she was just because she hoped/knew that i will not find out about this. She is not evil by nature, she simply likes to be with men, likes to keep connection with her past men, etc. I was just blind and lived in a denial about her ability to actually have sex with someone else while with me...and honestly, I didn't have a proof for that up until about a month ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 She did it because she chose to do so. She's continuing to do so because she's suffered no repercussions or consequences for what she's done. She will contine to do so until that dynamic changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I see remorse and forgiveness coming within hours of the confrontation, just like I did. I'm a self-proclaimed beta now but managed to fall short of a cuckold. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Kidd, What do you mean that you "fall short of a cuckold"... Can you elaborate ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Interesting update, Today she called him for couple of minutes, he said his mom is visiting him so he's a little busy. My W told him that she is going to the doctor with my kid (fever, etc) then he asked if she can get him the pain medication she is getting him with her prescriptions. She got upset...and told him that he only talks to her and nice to her when he needs something from her...she hung up. She then called again,and asked him if he still wants the medication...he said yes. So she told him that this time he will need to pay for this....and not with money..,, I was sure she would say that she want sex... But she said she will get him the medication if he lets her (my W) to meet his mom... He was upset and started asking her why does she want to meet his mom... She said that if she is important to him, he would let her see/meet his mom... She suggested he takes his mom and her to a dinner or something... Why would she want so much to meet his mom? I think she is really in loved with him, and now trying to set up the ground to leave and go to him permanently...Am i correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Circular Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I've watched this thread from the beginning, I've resisted posting mostly because I'm on the other side of the equation. When reading through this thread the part that I find saddest is Nicksters' low sense of self-worth. I almost get the sense that deep-down somehow he feels he deserves this treatment from his wife, I don't know why exactly but over and over again I see him out-of-touch with the reality of the situation and cornering himself into paralysis to do anything about it. There is a litany of excuses and fantasizing up the 'perfect moment' to take action, all while his self-esteem is being hit again and again by a giant sledgehammer. Nickster, I don't want you to take this as harsh but have you gone to IC yourself? The way you talk about the situation and communicate your thoughts have an air of disassociation about them that I find you sound almost like a narrator to a novel rather than truly integrating the experience into yourself. I say this because it appears you have a challenge to connect with yourself. Your situation is cut and dry. Your wife is cheating, she wants out of your marriage, she's trying to find someone that will give her a branch to swing-to so she doesn't have to hit the ground with nobody and no place to go. She's done it multiple times. Why does she want to meet the OM's mother? Simple, she wants to be sure she feels accepted by his family, it makes it more real. In my A my AP and I talked about what it would be like meeting each others family members all the time. It's a step you take when a normal relationship escalates to a point where you feel you really want to be together. She wants to feel more integrated into his family so the landing is softer if she leaves or you kick her out. Thing is, if she gets the sense you're going to take action, which I'm sure she has, she's going to make sure she has a soft landing, which she is doing. All you are doing is giving her more time to guarantee that your landing hurts a lot harder than hers. My feeling based on everything I've read here is that at some point you're going to expose what you know and there's going to be a ton of drama. Somehow though I feel that you'll reconcile and the process will start all over again. Why? Because I don't sense that you are connected enough to YOU to know what you really want here. That once all the questions start flowing about divorce, impact to kids, etc... that you'll acquiesce given you won't have a strong enough emotional response to polarize to your cause. I'll keep reading though. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Zzzzzzz..... HUh?........What?.....Confrontation?......oh no?....More interaction between WW and OM and Nick not doing anything about it?.....okay......*smack* *smack* Zzzzzzz........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Circular, I read your post twice. You have a great point of view here on this situation. I admit...the part of me that is delaying the whole busting "thing" is the part of me that was thinking about reconciling with her...If i said before that i decided to dump her...I think i was lying (not on purpose, but internally). Me knowing that once i blow it up, there would not be a way back... But again, I don't nobody to think that i could simply bury this underground, forget about it, and move on...I'm a pressure cooker that has its pop safety valve clogged and the fire is stilling heating me up...That thing is going to explode. That desire of her to meet his mother...it big...huge. You are so correct here...she is trying to set her landing, and i think she does feel that I'm planning something. Also me avoiding having sex with her for couple of weeks now...seems to change her. Maybe that is also a clue to her that I'm leaving.... btw: Since you are "on the other side of the equation" - maybe that is why you see it in a different light. Would you mind sharing your thoughts about doing something like this from the other side? Any care about the married partner family, kids? the idea that your actions can create huge damage to a family...etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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