Cheating Wife (twice) Plus Bastard Kid

[fooled once]

Nick,

 

A couple of comments.

 

I sure wish people would STOP calling you names and being so vicious to you - the man who has been cheated on That is heartbreaking to read some of these comments.

 

Secondly, depends on your state, but to claim infidelity as a reason for divorce, you literally need video tape of them screwing. Also, you don't need a reason to divorce besides being done. A judge isn't going to tell you that you can't divorce. The knowledge of the affair will be used as a barganing tool in regards to visitation with your children. And because you are on the birth certificate and married at the time of the birth, many states/courts don't care that you aren't the biological father. You will still be obligated to pay child support. Sucks, but that's the way some states laws are.

 

Finally, breathe. This has to be your worst nightmare realized.

 

The longer you wait to confront, the more stress and pain you will have. Yes, it will hurt when the marriage is over. BUT, you are delaying the inevitable. You have to decide when enough is enough. YOU have to decide when it is time to end the charade and pull the plug. I think you are delaying it because you are still in shock and because it hurts...a lot. But you are going to continue to hurt until you take the next step - the step of telling her the marriage is over.

 

My advice - the sooner the better for YOUR emotional and physical health. You calmly tell her your marriage is over and you know. You KNOW. She will deny, deny, deny. But you know what you need to know - about the affairs and the fact that your youngest child isn't your biologically.

 

I know you will still love your little one; I know you will still be DAD to your baby. The OM may decide to fight in court for parental rights. No idea how will happen there.

 

Make sure YOU stay true to YOU - respectful and having integrity. Don't let her take that from you. Own that. Know that one day your kids will want the truth - so behave in a manner that will make your kids proud.

 

I wish you the best. Your next journey will start the moment you begin the ending of your marriage. Good luck.

[Osiris1234]

so you're saying to give up my idea of busting them together, and simply put her down and say that i know everything?

 

 

yes yes yes, thats what everyone has been saying for the last couple of days!

 

 

And because you are on the birth certificate and married at the time of the birth, many states/courts don't care that you aren't the biological father. You will still be obligated to pay child support.

 

No judge is gonna tell him he has to pay child support for a child that isn't his. This happened to my exact same friend, and he turned around and sued his and sued his dirty ex for all the money he spent on that child and got 30 grand out of it.

Edited September 28, 2011 by Osiris1234

[mysteriousbox]

I came across this on an another forum which the OP should read:

 

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Nickster1]

mysteriousbox, very good piece.

One thing I'm confused about is the "..The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner. Seriously, the quickest way to get them back...."

The focus of that whole response was to let them go. So how come it explains a way to get them back? Does he/she refers to a point were the Cheated spouse want his cheating spouse back?

Or maybe i simply get it wrong and they mean to get back at them...

 

fooled once, I agree with your that the more i wait, the more pain i endure. I had a talk with my W yesterday, and i got the feeling that she is knows something is wrong. Though she keeps saying and believing that i don't have any proof for my suspicious behavior...even telling me that i "grounded" her for the last month for nothing... But then added that she knows/feels that I'm planning to leave her...

Edited September 28, 2011 by Nickster1

[carhill]

What advice has your lawyer given you?

 

Myself, I'd be angling for a post-nup to protect my interests and a surprise filing and aggressive prosecution in it. A competent lawyer can lay it all out with contingencies for any expected or unexpected response. It's just a chess game.

 

Hug the kids. Your marriage is over.

[Nickster1]

What advice has your lawyer given you?

 

Myself, I'd be angling for a post-nup to protect my interests and a surprise filing and aggressive prosecution in it. A competent lawyer can lay it all out with contingencies for any expected or unexpected response. It's just a chess game.

 

Hug the kids. Your marriage is over.

The lawyer simply said that i need to file for custody. He actually said that i could file myself, or hire an attorney. He sounded nice, and sympathetic. He was disappointed about what happened to me and the unfortunate position I'm at. He didn't tell me what to do but more like asked me what i want to do...He actually said that he usually tried to recommend to reconcile if that's possible as the best thing to do... The problem that prevents me from doing that was not really that she hurt me with her actions but mostly the fact that I can NOT trust her anymore/again.

Once a cheater...(at least) twice a cheater - a lifetime cheater!

[Owl]

OK...so it sounds to me like you've got a goal.....divorce.

 

Good.

 

Knowing your goal is critical...you can't get anywhere without having a goal.

 

So...divorce is the plan.

 

Does having further "proof" help you reach your goal of divorce? Does busting them/catching them in any fashion help you get a divorce, or ensure that you'll get a better settlement in divorce?

 

Check back with that lawyer, or research the laws where you live to determine if having "proof of infidelity" makes any difference or not in the settlement or speeds up the divorce process in anyway.

 

If it does...then figure out (with your lawyer) what further evidence/proof you need to have to ensure your outcome.

 

If it doesn't...then what value is there in further playing this game?

 

You've got a goal...focus on reaching your goal rather than letting yourself get sucked into the drama and mind-games.

[carhill]

Interview two more attorneys, one of each gender, and compare responses to the first. IMO, it's preferable to interview via referral. Depending on the field of competent attorneys in your area, the more you interview and hence the fewer your wife can employ, the better. YMMV on that.

 

Think of today as a snowball at the top of the hill. Decisions you make now have marked and often irreversible impact on that snowball. Make them carefully.

[Nickster1]

Any possibility this guy deals drugs? Is your wife into drugs? Perhaps the reason he answered that phone that one time w/ a fake name is because he's a dealer and is being careful.

Country_gurl, Sorry I missed your question.

My W is totally not into drugs. So I'm sure that is not on the table. This is something that I'm REALLY sure about.

He answer the hotel room phone with a fake name either because he thought it is me...or his GF. Most likely me...

[Nickster1]

Interview two more attorneys, one of each gender, ....

It actually could be pretty interesting to talk to a female lawyer about this....I wonder if her plan of action would be different and how different.

[Nickster1]

Knowing your goal is critical...you can't get anywhere without having a goal. So...divorce is the plan.

Yes, i don't see any other solution that would enable me to live a sane life again.

Does having further "proof" help you reach your goal of divorce? Does busting them/catching them in any fashion help you get a divorce, or ensure that you'll get a better settlement in divorce?

Nop.

 

If it doesn't...then what value is there in further playing this game?

No real value expect trying to "perfect" the moment of busting it.

[Owl]

No real value expect trying to "perfect" the moment of busting it.

 

Then I would heartily suggest you refocus your efforts.

 

That's just a waste of time and energy, and has far more chances to turn ruin you opportunities of reaching your goal more than it's likely to do you ANY kind of good whatsoever.

 

So...we got a goal.

 

What steps do you need to take to reach your goal?

 

Hire a lawyer.

 

Determine the division of property laws in your state.

 

Determine the actual divorce requirements (such as seperation, fault vs no fault, etc...) in your state.

 

Fill out the initial paperwork to begin the process.

 

Determine who is going to remove themselves from the current home.

 

Oh...and inform your wife that you're divorcing.

 

I can see where most of those can take place pretty quickly.

 

Informing your wife, relocating one of the two of you, and beginning the seperation process can begin before this weeked if you get busy with it.

 

So rather than trying to bust her...why don't you pick up the initial paperwork today, and have that "sit down" with her tonight?

[Osiris1234]

Im done with this thread, its a waste of my time, if your seriously not gonna bust her already after everything everyone has given you then you deserve to be in pain and i hope you get the worst of it.

 

also a female lawyer wont make a damn lick of difference.

 

Have a nice life, im done giving you advice...

[fooled once]

 

No judge is gonna tell him he has to pay child support for a child that isn't his. This happened to my exact same friend, and he turned around and sued his and sued his dirty ex for all the money he spent on that child and got 30 grand out of it.

 

Bull. Many judges DO tell the husband of the wife that HE must pay child support and some have even DENIED visitation for the non-biological father even though he is ordered to pay child support. Google is your friend... before saying "no judge" is gonna tell him he has to pay support for a child that is not his biologically.

 

 

http://www.totaldivorce.com/news/articles/legislation/kansas-chil-support-bill-targets-non-biological-fathers.aspx

 

n 1995, Sprowson's first wife became pregnant by another man, and the couple got a divorce shortly after the child was born. DNA testing proved that Sprowson was not the father of the baby. Sprowson never has had a relationship with the child, who is now 13, but he was ordered to pay child support.

 

http://www.topix.com/forum/state/mo-gov/TK7CKG6N5UJGEEG1M

 

The county Judge stated, You've been the childs father this long, you WILL continue to be & You WILL pay child support! The Judge said that Missouri will not "Bastardize" a child.

 

http://lawvibe.com/dna-proves-not-biological-father-but-forced-to-pay-child-support/

 

The Florida justices ruled 7-0 against Richard Parker. The Court ruled Parker must continue to pay $1,200 a month in child support. Parker’s child support payments will total more than $200,000 over 15 years to support another man’s child. Unfortunately, however, Florida has a one-year statute of limitations to prove fraud after a divorce, and Parker didn’t file in time.

 

And these are just the first 3 stories of 256,000 that popped up in google

 

Nick, the sooner you confront, the sooner your healing will begin. Good luck.

[MusicMan1234]

You still haven't confronted her? Dude...

Just get rid of her. The kid isn't your concern, though you can keep in contact if you wish, but what kind of person fathers a child willingly when they know it's not theirs. Get out while you still can, if you stay any longer this situation will be like corrosive acid and will eat what you have of your soul away. You deserve better, everyone deserves better than this.

The reality of the situation is that she's been cheating on you for six years and using you for a meal ticket. I'd say file for full custody of your seven year old child and leave her in the dirt with her bastard kid. It's her turn to be humiliated.

[hagar2935]

Fortunately, I nipped it early on after I found out. Moved her out of the house and threatened her boyfriend with castration ... or worse (I'm a former Special Forces) That brought things rapidly to a head. The big downside of course was the financial crisis it created since she couldn't pay her share of the our mortgage and I soon lost the house through foreclosure because I couldn't carry the debt by myself (we, like most people today, were upside down in the horrible market) and we have since had to go thru bankruptcy as well.

 

Women who do these things are the lowest of the lowest on the planet! If you want out of a marriage, get out, but don't destroy his and your own life in the process.......... Divorce doesn't have to be so destructive. Then go have all the affairs you want AFTER you are divorced, if you want to become a slut, that's your problem but don't drag him down with you.

 

Now I'm alone, heart-broken, and financially destroyed through no fault of my own.... just because she wanted to play around..... I REALLY did love her before this happened and would have done anything to make our life happy.......... Why she had to destroy it I will never understand..... Now she tells me she regrets and is depressed and lonely and suicidal....... but I won't take her back, she doesn't want to anyway, and I can't do much to help her. I try to help her as a friend by encouraging her to go thru counseling............. but I have to move on and live the rest of my life as best I can..........

[Nickster1]

Osiris1234, I'm sorry that I pissed you off with my delayed busting of this case. I still very much appreciate your good advice and wisdom. - Thank you.

 

fooled once, maybe I would invest some time in finding the bio father...and get him to pay.

 

MusicMan1234, I will use your words in case she asks/begs me for not telling anyone on the fact that I'm not the child's father...I will tell her that she humiliated me that much with her cheating and getting knocked up by another man, now it is her time to be humiliated!

 

hagar2935, how did you confornt your ex-wife about her cheating?

Did she go to the OM after you busted her? Or did they simply break up as many are saying...After the affair stops being secret, it turns to be less interesting...

[Osiris1234]

And these are just the first 3 stories of 256,000 that popped up in google

 

Well id rather go to jail then pay 200 grand for some bastard child that wasn't mine.

[Nickster1]

Well id rather go to jail then pay 200 grand for some bastard child that wasn't mine.

Well...can you imagine yourself being with such a child for 2.5 years plus the 9 month proceeding to it's birth (pregnancy)...you get pretty attached. Add to that daily "Daddy Daddy calls"

What will happen in 20 years when that child comes to you and says...you didn't want me when i was a baby...

[Chi townD]

No confrontation yet huh? Okay, someone wake me when Nick actually does something....

 

Zzzzzzzzzz........

[rowell2024]

He's taking his time getting his ducks lined up.....I think.

[2011aug]

What will happen in 20 years when that child comes to you and says...you didn't want me when i was a baby...

 

You tell the child the truth. The child is not your responsibility. The responsibility lies with the biological father and your ex-wife.

[JayL88]

It's understandable to still want the baby. At this point biology doesnt mean much, you are the child's Dad, the only one he's ever known. And it wouldnt be fair to them to separate them. Regardless of what that test says, if you love the kid, he's yours.

 

You want the ultimate moment to bust her? However I don't recommend this if she's prone to violence against you or to herself.

 

Bring the evidence to her family. You tell them you're getting a divorce, and that their daughter's a cheating whore. And to top it off, the recent child isnt even yours. Your wife will then find out from them, you'll get a million calls (which u should ignore) and she'll go insane trying to find and confront you.

 

This is the ultimate humiliation because her family found out from you. This way you take away her opportunity to try to spin the story to her family, and to hear the news from her parents, that takes the cake.

 

Only thing I'm afraid of is that she might take a knife to your or her throat for this.

[sadcalifornian]

It's understandable to still want the baby. At this point biology doesnt mean much, you are the child's Dad, the only one he's ever known. And it wouldnt be fair to them to separate them. Regardless of what that test says, if you love the kid, he's yours.

 

You want the ultimate moment to bust her? However I don't recommend this if she's prone to violence against you or to herself.

 

Bring the evidence to her family. You tell them you're getting a divorce, and that their daughter's a cheating whore. And to top it off, the recent child isnt even yours. Your wife will then find out from them, you'll get a million calls (which u should ignore) and she'll go insane trying to find and confront you.

 

This is the ultimate humiliation because her family found out from you. This way you take away her opportunity to try to spin the story to her family, and to hear the news from her parents, that takes the cake.

 

Only thing I'm afraid of is that she might take a knife to your or her throat for this.

 

I agree with this post. If humiliation is what you are after, follow this step, which will be more effective and civilized.

[fooled once]

For those of you that think he should just dump the youngest child because the child isn't his biological child .... so you must not believe in adoption or think that children are the INNOCENTS here? The child didn't cause the mother to cheat. The child didn't ask for its father to leave. the child only knows NICK as his/her father. Do you know the negative affects this child could have to being abandoned and thrown aside like some of you want Nick to do? Not to mention how his brother would feel to not have his sibling around! Come on.... cut some slack to the INNOCENT children here!!!

 

Nick loves BOTH children; period. He should fight for BOTH his children; not only one.

 

It is evident that Nick is struggling with ending his marriage....he is basically standing in a circle going around and around. His world has IMPLODED and while some can cut and run quick; he can't so stop giving him crap. His life will change completely when he confronts his wife - emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually and financially. So what if it is taking him some time to wrap his head around it. He IS reaching out to others for support and advice. Instead of kicking him since he hasn't followed "your" timetable; if you can't give him strength or support, quit posting. Can't blame the guy for caring or having a loving heart. Those are actually GREAT qualities; and unfortunately, his wife is too stupid to realize it. She will regret her actions one day.

 

Nick, best of luck to you.