Bullied after DDay

[26pointblue]

True GT. Very true.

 

A young child's security lies in the strength of the family unit. The OP dumped all OVER the family unit while the cheating was going on.

 

IMHO if the parents aren't happy together then that is worse for the children in terms of security than divorce. A child can feel insecure in an unhappy household just the same as in a divorced household. And there are ways to divorce that preserve the child's sense of stability & security better than having to live in the nightmare of a house with unhappy parents. I have no idea what Wheelwright's household or marriage is like. I'm just saying I don't think staying together just for the kids is a good idea in general & I don't think it necessarily means 'security' for the kids. Now if Wheelwright's goal was to have a family unit intact then yes she did dump all over it. That's why I'm trying to figure out why Wheelwright is staying married & what her goals & intentions are. If she wants an intact happy family then she shouldn't have cheated & hopefully she will stop. If she is unhappy & things are unstable then she should get out.

[BB07]

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead ?

 

I think you made yourself clear........the BS gets a free pass for whatever if that is what they want, after all they have been betrayed, well except for paying child support.

[desertIslandCactus]

I think you made yourself clear........the BS gets a free pass for whatever if that is what they want, after all they have been betrayed, well except for paying child support.

 

Never gave the BS a "free pass" for being irresponsible, and walking away. Believe what you wish.

 

That's why they say: The children are the victims.

[BB07]

Never gave the BS a "free pass" for being irresponsible, and walking away. Believe what you wish.

 

That's why they say: The children are the victims.

 

 

DIC......all we have are the words that you yourself have written and you implied that several times. No, you didn't come out and directly say that, but you did imply it more than once.

 

And............yes I know who suffers, don't forget I am the daughter of a serial cheating father among other things.

[WorldIsYours]

I disagree. To me, there's a very significant difference between spouting off some otherwise reprehensible BS out of the depths of pain ("I wish you were dead!", etc.) and the actual act of betraying the marriage. Now, if he were to act on his words and actually abandon the children, I'd agree with you.

 

The old saying of "actions speak louder than words" applies here. Her actions most definitely speak louder than his words.

 

I second this. Her actions AND words definitely speak louder than his.

 

The guy just found out his wife destroyed the marriage and family and he was in shock. A lot of BSs say crap when they're pissed and for Wheelwright to even try to use this as justification for her affair and current attitude, shows her immaturity and why he should still leave and find someone else, and see his kids regularly. He doesn't deserve this type of treatment.

[Heather1]

I meant to post & haven't had time...have you talked to a lawyer at all yet? I've heard of people saying they'd take the kids & for you to take a hike but never that they'd leave you AND the children.

 

There was problems in your M WAY before any A took place!!! In my case, my A was a reaction to my M at that time & OP's too. I could have reacted in many ways to my unhappiness @ the time...overeating, drinking, any number of destructive things. I was going to explode, and I went this route quite by accident. That doesn't let my H off the hook for his (& his family's) part in things. You don't get to be the fall gal w/ the scarlet A (although the world has some custom sweatshirts made for us all I'm sure).

 

Honestly, if that's how your H feels about things & is using you as an escape from his responsibilities AS A FATHER I'd get a D. I think that's awful.

 

How much for those sweatshirts world?

[alexandria35]

I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace.

 

I wonder if others were dealt this card?

 

Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it?

 

Your husband is not a bully just because he SAID he would abandon the children. He was probably hurt, angry and scared and letting those emotions out. I doubt very much that he would have truly abandoned his kids. You on the other hand did not just SAY you were going to have an affair you actually did it and you caused immense pain, but now it's your husband who's the bad guy cause he said mean words to you? You should be able to cheat and then take off with your kids to be with OM and that's all ticky boo, but heavens forbid that your husband might say threatening words to you in a time of great anguish. How awful of him! Please!

 

That being said I seriously disagree with DIC. Why would a father ever abandon his own children because his wife cheated? That makes no sense at all. Would you abandon your children if your husband cheated on you?

[alexandria35]

 

My cheating was adandon, but that's not as dire as him telling me he would abandon my kids if I were to move on and be with my MM. I have been through so much, put others through stuff, I have forgotten this bullying tactic.

 

.

 

So in your world, cheating, lying and deceiving is not as bad as someone in pain lashing out with words? That's a pretty twisted point of view.

 

And Owl made a good point. If you really believe that your husband is such a jerk that he would have abandoned his own children then why in the world are you still with him? Is it because you know he was just all talk and saying things he would have never acted on? If you know he wouldn't have actually abandoned his kids then why are you using this thread to make yourself look like a victim and him like a heartless ass?

[Woggle]

He doesn't really mean it and I bet she knows it. I said things when I caught me ex cheating that I would have never did but at the time I felt like garbage and was lashing out.

[Heather1]

Well....if your H isn't bullying you, you can just come & post here!!!

 

I, for one, support you wheel. I'm really sorry this happened It just might not be worth it to stay in your M regardless.

[desertIslandCactus]

 

That being said I seriously disagree with DIC. Why would a father ever abandon his own children because his wife cheated? That makes no sense at all. Would you abandon your children if your husband cheated on you?[/QUOTE]

 

Read the thread. I never cheated on my H. And I believe in taking responsibility, when others wouldn't. Why would you ask someone a question such as that, if you don't know their story.

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't really mean it and I bet she knows it. I said things when I caught me ex cheating that I would have never did but at the time I felt like garbage and was lashing out.

 

I would like to know, is the threat constant? Like he has said over and over and over again that he will abandon his kids? or was it just once, out of pain, anger and devastation? I agree with Wogs and I know I've said it too, people just say things in the heat of the moment. Besides, it doesn't seem like his actions have followed through, even though he said the words.

[WorldIsYours]

Your husband is not a bully just because he SAID he would abandon the children. He was probably hurt, angry and scared and letting those emotions out. I doubt very much that he would have truly abandoned his kids. You on the other hand did not just SAY you were going to have an affair you actually did it and you caused immense pain, but now it's your husband who's the bad guy cause he said mean words to you? You should be able to cheat and then take off with your kids to be with OM and that's all ticky boo, but heavens forbid that your husband might say threatening words to you in a time of great anguish. How awful of him! Please!

 

That being said I seriously disagree with DIC. Why would a father ever abandon his own children because his wife cheated? That makes no sense at all. Would you abandon your children if your husband cheated on you?

 

Exactly. And when cheaters cheat, they're the ones essentially abandoning their kids. Using their time to take care of their kids and play with them, for someone else's man or some other guy.

 

Ticky boo! Good one!LOL!!

[WorldIsYours]

I would like to know, is the threat constant? Like he has said over and over and over again that he will abandon his kids? or was it just once, out of pain, anger and devastation? I agree with Wogs and I know I've said it too, people just say things in the heat of the moment. Besides, it doesn't seem like his actions have followed through, even though he said the words.

 

So what if he said it a few times? What, all of a sudden he's under watch because his wife cheated? Please, come on now. Making such a big deal out of a few words from a victim of infidelity, who had every right to be pissed. What has this world come to. Cheaters need to stop making their BS look like an idiot and own their crap. End of story.

[whichwayisup]

So what if he said it a few times? What, all of a sudden he's under watch because his wife cheated? Please, come on now. Making such a big deal out of a few words from a victim of infidelity, who had every right to be pissed. What has this world come to. Cheaters need to stop making their BS look like an idiot and own their crap. End of story.

 

I am just asking her a question. Her husband is the victim here, I agree, I'm not disagreeing on that at all.

[WorldIsYours]

Just because there is infidelity in the mix, does not strip the WS of their rights and responsibilities in regards to the children and yes I said it.....the other stuff also. Apparently the court system agrees in most states as infidelity is usually not listed in divorce decrees.

 

That's what makes this court system so messed up. Cheaters cheat, receive alimony, child support, and still get to see their kids after they put their spouse's life at risk for nasty, terminal diseases. There are rare cases of BSs getting out of a marriage with full custody of their kids. Takes a miracle and some hardcore evidence showing cheaters are irresponsible to take care of the kids.

[BB07]

That's what makes this court system so messed up. Cheaters cheat, receive alimony, child support, and still get to see their kids after they put their spouse's life at risk for nasty, terminal diseases. There are rare cases of BSs getting out of a marriage with full custody of their kids. Takes a miracle and some hardcore evidence showing cheaters are irresponsible to take care of the kids.

 

 

If they are irresponsible or unable to care for their kids then they shouldn't have them, however.............if the person who cheated is able and responsible in taking care of the kids, then there is no reason to remove them from that parent irregardless of cheating or not.

 

My 2 cents.......

[WorldIsYours]

If they are irresponsible or unable to care for their kids then they shouldn't have them, however.............if the person who cheated is able and responsible in taking care of the kids, then there is no reason to remove them from that parent irregardless of cheating or not.

 

The cheating alone shows how irresponsible and careless they are.

 

My 2 cents.......

 

Ugh I'm tired of people saying that.

[whichwayisup]

 

 

Ugh I'm tired of people saying that.

 

That's why sometimes I switch it up and say 3 cents.

[alexandria35]

 

That being said I seriously disagree with DIC. Why would a father ever abandon his own children because his wife cheated? That makes no sense at all. Would you abandon your children if your husband cheated on you?[/QUOTE]

 

Read the thread. I never cheated on my H. And I believe in taking responsibility, when others wouldn't. Why would you ask someone a question such as that, if you don't know their story.

 

I never said you cheated on your husband. Read the post of mine you just quoted. I aksed if you would feel free to abandon your own children if you found out your husband cheated on you? Have you been following the thread? Were talking about the BS abandoning the children not the cheater right?

 

Donna attempted to put a nicer spin on what you are saying but your initial post on this thread made it sound like once a spouse is cheated on that spouse can simply walk away from his/her own kids with a clear conscience simply because they were wronged by the cheater. This is what I disagree with. It's true that nobody can force someone not to abandon their children but that doesn't make it any less reprehensible.

[BB07]

The cheating alone shows how irresponsible and careless they are.

 

 

 

Ugh I'm tired of people saying that.

 

OK..........how about a buck then?

[BB07]

Donna attempted to put a nicer spin on what you are saying but your initial post on this thread made it sound like once a spouse is cheated on that spouse can simply walk away from his/her own kids with a clear conscience simply because they were wronged by the cheater. This is what I disagree with. It's true that nobody can force someone not to abandon their children but that doesn't make it any less reprehensible.

 

 

You had a much more eloquent way of saying what I was trying to convey earlier. Thanks!

[tami-chan]

I would think once a woman decides to leave her H for another, she shouldn't hold her H accountable for anything - not even their children.

 

Interesting. So a BS can in turn BETRAY his children-turn his back on them- and that should be understandable-nay, acceptable....hmm...and here I thought it is the sacred and solemn duty of a parent to care for his child-God's greatest gift...but what do I know, I am not a Christian...

 

When my H left, he still loved his sons but was no longer the doting father as before. His priorities were elsewhere. And after he died, I assumed both roles.

Your H made the choice...a very poor, irresponsible choice, if I may add and I don't mean disrespect to him.

Omg ok i have tried to control myself. I have even deleted two things to two separate people.

 

You are wheelright and tinanit calling your husbands bullies or fearful they would hurt the kids by abandoning them.

 

Don't you think having an AFFAIR is hurting your kids? Where were your children when you were off having sex with the other man?

 

Don't you think your husbands said that out of fear and wanted to hurt you too.

 

Wheelright your husband said if you stayed with the OM...did you ever think that just maybe it may have been WAY to painful to co parent with a person who slept with and snuch around behind his back with his wife?

 

Stop acting like victims. Your husband was not a bully. This is on you. If you are now regretting staying with him do not blame him that he bullied you into staying. Get honest with him and yourself and tell him you do not want to be married anymore.

 

Sheeesh gaslighting and blameshifting really annoys me. No one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore it is always someone elses fault.

 

What were the responses to be on this thread. OMgoodness yes wheelright, he bullied you AFTER dday so absolves you of all fault.??

 

Any adult who uses innocent kids to hurt another adult is a DESPICABLE human being. Cheating on another adult is a different issue...perhaps if people can see the difference and separate the two, children will not be screwed up when their parents decide they do not want to be married any more.

 

Why is that acceptable? Why is that understandable? Who made it so? Who gave anybody any right to use innocent children to be pawns/weapons to hurt another? Despicable.

[desertIslandCactus]

 

I never said you cheated on your husband. Read the post of mine you just quoted. I aksed if you would feel free to abandon your own children if you found out your husband cheated on you? Have you been following the thread? Were talking about the BS abandoning the children not the cheater right?

 

.

 

Read the thread.

[desertIslandCactus]

Interesting. So a BS can in turn BETRAY his children-turn his back on them- and that should be understandable-nay, acceptable....hmm...

 

Your words, not mine. Never said a BS "can", or that it's "understandable".

Just saying the cheater shouldn't hold her H accountable.

 

and here I thought it is the sacred and solemn duty of a parent to care for his child-God's greatest gift...

 

And I have, and do.

 

Cheating on another adult is a different issue...

 

Why? It breaks up the family unit, if it goes to D.

 

perhaps if people can see the difference and separate the two, children will not be screwed up when their parents decide they do not want to be married any more.

 

Most children do feel the rejection when a parent chooses another path. Mother and father are no longer in the same home. The parent's priorities change. The child's environment may change. They are required to do 'blending'. etc etc

 

Why is that acceptable? Why is that understandable? Who made it so? Who gave anybody any right to use innocent children to be pawns/weapons to hurt another? Despicable.

 

I would think that in most divorces, children aren't used as pawns.