bentnotbroken Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I don't like that he said he would abandon the kids. That's not right at all. But, the rest? Well, those are consquences of the affair, the fallout and how he chose to react to your affair. You can't expect him to be fair and understanding of everything after cheating on him. Now, if he physically hurt you (hit you, threw books at your head, tried to harm you) THAT is different, and it's wrong. But from what you've said so far it sounds pretty normal, his request for you to stay away from exMOM and do NC. Agree 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I told my wife that if she left me for OM, she'd be out of my life in any fashion, whatsoever, permanently. Point blank. The kids would have been taken care of. I don't believe that there was ever any question about that. But "abandoning her" as a result of her choice to be with OM? Damn skippy, and it would have happened to. I wanted to second a question mentioned above...what did you expect your H to do once he learned of your affair? How did you expect him to react? How were you hoping he'd react? Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I don't like that he said he would abandon the kids. That's not right at all. That's the first thing I noticed also. Who says they are going to leave the children. "Take" the children yes. For someone to say leave ... wait if the kids aren't his then yeah I can see that. Someone cheated so now I'm going to run not only from my wife but my kdis as well makes no sense. I guess I don't see it as bullying or a threat... It's a fact. No one can bully or threaten you unless you give into that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I believed. Probably not rationally. I have no fight in me. I want all love and giving to be made up of what it is and not courts. And now I will sound suspest. Because my dad abandoned me. And then my step-dad did. And there's a whole story which will make me look better but I don't want to say it. But I believed he would follow, and he knew it. I don't know how to help you, not sure what you're looking for but I do recognize that you have some very deep issues and alot going on inside your head. WW, have you done therapy to help you with your present and past hurts? Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 In the fur of working out everything I had forgotten this. I am glad 'whathesaid' reminded me of it somewhat. Sometimes contributions from others (or reminders), can hinder the healing of a M. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 The person with primary custody of the children has less time for dating, fooling around, and having adult fun. That's all that was about. Making it more difficult for her to find time for bangin' random dudes, but giving him PLENTY of time to do whatever he wants. Why should he have to shoulder all the responsibility when she's the one who wrecked the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 It wasn't bullying. Perhaps he said it out of hurt and without thinking .. or maybe he did mean it. I would think once a woman decides to leave her H for another, she shouldn't hold her H accountable for anything - not even their children. When my H left, he still loved his sons but was no longer the doting father as before. His priorities were elsewhere. And after he died, I assumed both roles. I'm just saying a mother can always fill in. It appears that you are still with your H, not for the children - but because you can't make it alone, or you don't want to be without a man in your life, WW. I disagree. A father should always be accountable to his children, separate and apart from their mother. I think it was wrong of him to say he would abandon his own children, no matter what the reason. I think it's ironic that people say, oh affairs are so bad and they destroy families [not that this isn't true] but then they defend a man who could even SAY that he would abandon his children. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Omg ok i have tried to control myself. I have even deleted two things to two separate people. You are wheelright and tinanit calling your husbands bullies or fearful they would hurt the kids by abandoning them. Don't you think having an AFFAIR is hurting your kids? Where were your children when you were off having sex with the other man? Don't you think your husbands said that out of fear and wanted to hurt you too. Wheelright your husband said if you stayed with the OM...did you ever think that just maybe it may have been WAY to painful to co parent with a person who slept with and snuch around behind his back with his wife? Stop acting like victims. Your husband was not a bully. This is on you. If you are now regretting staying with him do not blame him that he bullied you into staying. Get honest with him and yourself and tell him you do not want to be married anymore. Sheeesh gaslighting and blameshifting really annoys me. No one takes responsibility for their own actions anymore it is always someone elses fault. What were the responses to be on this thread. OMgoodness yes wheelright, he bullied you AFTER dday so absolves you of all fault.?? Again, I can't believe people are defending a father who said he will abandon his children no matter what the reason. And justifying it in the event that he would. A good father would be there for his children in times of crisis & never even think of leaving them. There is no excuse for doing otherwise. Not even the 'capital crime' of an affair. IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? What was your viewpoint on the "All's fair in love and war" thread? Link to post Share on other sites
TinaniT Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) Don't you think your husbands said that out of fear and wanted to hurt you too. My exhusband said it long before I had the affair. With details about where (overseas) he would go so as to not pay child support. Considering he had done things to me that left both physical and mental scars, and had told me when my son was an infant that he was considering leaving because he didn't like being a father, I considered it a credible threat. Hell, he had told me many times he had never really loved me romantically before I asked or the divorce. I wanted anything. Any reprieve from life. The affair wasn't right, but asking for a divorce didn't work and I had nowhere to go. But whatever. Affairs are the only bad thing a person can do in life. Edited March 17, 2011 by TinaniT Link to post Share on other sites
TinaniT Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 ...Or should I say, "lol nevermind" I think it shows real depth of character, confidence, and maturity. Especially when following is the need to show people what the point being insinuated was, in case they missed it. Hmm... Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 My H disinherited his only children, leaving residual to OW and her daughter. If I am Responsible, nurturing enough to try to pick up the pieces and fight for my offspring through life in other ways, that's what I do. On the other hand, I don't think a WS should stay with the BS just because of threats. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I would think once a woman decides to leave her H for another, she shouldn't hold her H accountable for anything - not even their children. If I'm reading that right.......I'm almost speechless. I can't believe you would say that DIC. A father should always be accountable to his children regardless of what the mother has done. The children have done nothing wrong and no matter what the other parent has done they should not pay for the sins of the parent. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 If I'm reading that right.......I'm almost speechless. I can't believe you would say that DIC. A father should always be accountable to his children regardless of what the mother has done. The children have done nothing wrong and no matter what the other parent has done they should not pay for the sins of the parent. She shouldn't hold others accountable. Only herself. Aside from court ordered child support, how does a cheater hold her H accountable. Unfortunatly children do pay for the sins of the parent. That's one of the reasons we warn over and over on here. People have to take responsibility themselves, first. Link to post Share on other sites
mbm69 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 A father should always be accountable to his children, separate and apart from their mother. I think it was wrong of him to say he would abandon his own children, no matter what the reason. I think it's ironic that people say, oh affairs are so bad and they destroy families [not that this isn't true] but then they defend a man who could even SAY that he would abandon his children. I TOTALLY agree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 If I'm reading that right.......I'm almost speechless. I can't believe you would say that DIC. A father should always be accountable to his children regardless of what the mother has done. The children have done nothing wrong and no matter what the other parent has done they should not pay for the sins of the parent.You're right BB, and I'm suspecting this dad is just blowing smoke. Link to post Share on other sites
ver13 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? I like this post because it illustrates all of the drama that A's can produces for all of the people involved with the M party. It also show's how the one who created this situation see's themselves as the victim in this case. Look at what you are saying " he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM ". Your H wouldn't never have said this if you hadn't put your entire family in the situation in the first place. I know that he has said many things lately that he never imagined would come out of his mouth. He did it because he is hurt by your betrayel and I'm sure that the part about the kids was mean't to cause you a lot of pain. I'm suprised at what some folks have put in here about how could he ever say such a thing. IMO when people that think you care about them find out that you don't value your relationship with them as much as they do the reaction will never be one that anyone can predict. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Anyway, if there are problems in the marriage, why would you want your children to be with a less than loving parent. I hear news reports often - and too recently, of one in the relationship taking the child/children and killing them. It is revenge against the other parent. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Why would someone stay for any reason with a person who could use this as a CREDIBLE threat to bully them around? If my wife honestly believed that I could do something like this to our kids...she'd have left me years ago. If she thought I was the kind of guy who could do this...I wouldn't be the kind of man she'd stayed with all these years. If your spouse is this self-centered/angry/whatever...why would you not have taken measures to protect yourself and your children long ago? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Abandoning the kids is horrible--unexcusable. Abandoning the WS, separate from the kids, is understandable. Short of criminal threats (violent threats), I can't see judging a BS on things they say in days of desperation and despair. It think most people would say things don't necessarily mean when at the edge of their pain threshold. I would judge a BS who actually abandons the mutual children, but not so much a BS who expresses the urge to "run away" from the whole painful situation, kids and all, while in the depths of pain. WW, you see yourself as the victim of bullying. Do you think your H felt bullied when he said that? Do you think he felt bullied (by you) to accept a situation that was unimaginably painful to him? (you and the kids with xMOM). Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Well, with the OP's attitude of It's the BS's fault for not letting the WS screw others (and I paraphrase), I'm sure he DID feel bullied. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Why would someone stay for any reason with a person who could use this as a CREDIBLE threat to bully them around? If my wife honestly believed that I could do something like this to our kids...she'd have left me years ago. If she thought I was the kind of guy who could do this...I wouldn't be the kind of man she'd stayed with all these years. If your spouse is this self-centered/angry/whatever...why would you not have taken measures to protect yourself and your children long ago? This is an excellent point. Something you really need to consider and think about WW. I think your H was pissed off and very upset, he just reacted and starting talking without thinking. I doubt very much he is going to walk away from his kids and dump the responsibility of being a father. People do and say things out of the norm when pushed past their emotional limit and due to the circumstances, finding out about you cheating turned his whole world upside. The life he knew well and loved was immediately over when he found out the truth. Have sympathy for him about that. Sure he may have reacted and said things in the heat of moment but again, I do not believe he's going to walk out of his kids lives. Yours more than likely, but not his own flesh and blood. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 She shouldn't hold others accountable. Only herself. Aside from court ordered child support, how does a cheater hold her H accountable. Unfortunatly children do pay for the sins of the parent. That's one of the reasons we warn over and over on here. People have to take responsibility themselves, first. You've twisted what I said......and I simply responded to exactly what you said. Again..........A FATHER is responsible and accountable to his children, cheating or not. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You're right BB, and I'm suspecting this dad is just blowing smoke. Me too.........and there probably isn't anyone here who has not said some things out of anger that they didn't mean. I'm giving WW hubby the benifit of the doubt and assuming that what he said was out of anger and he didn't mean it. However...........if he did mean it, then that paints a not good picture of him. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You've twisted what I said......and I simply responded to exactly what you said. Again..........A FATHER is responsible and accountable to his children, cheating or not. He can be held responsible/accountable for child support - nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
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