26pointblue Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 He can be held responsible/accountable for child support - nothing more. That doesn't mean that's all he should do! A father SHOULD be responsible and accountable to his children no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Anyway, if there are problems in the marriage, why would you want your children to be with a less than loving parent. I hear news reports often - and too recently, of one in the relationship taking the child/children and killing them. It is revenge against the other parent. Cheating doesn't make someone a parent who murders their offspring. That's a stretch that most of us can't even fathom. That is completely off the wall. Maybe I'm assuming wrong but it almost sounds like you are implying that the person who cheating doesn't deserve the children, is that what you are saying DIC? Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 He can be held responsible/accountable for child support - nothing more. My gosh........I was hoping I misunderstood you but there it is clear as day! :eek: Because the wife cheated, he owes nothing to the children but support??? Hell-o I've noticed that your ideas about things are not the norm but that takes the cake!! Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) Cheating doesn't make someone a parent who murders their offspring. That's a stretch that most of us can't even fathom. That is completely off the wall. It happens. You cannot Force people. Do you want to wind up with an abused, or dead child. Maybe I'm assuming wrong but it almost sounds like you are implying that the person who cheating doesn't deserve the children, is that what you are saying DIC? No. I'm saying the cheater doesn't dictate to the other spouse. And if the BS doesn't want to be with the children. Save the children. And carry the baton of responsibility - as the parent. And we can receive that most likely the BS in this situation was threatening Not 'bullying'. Afterall he was loyal enough to punch out the AP Edited March 17, 2011 by desertIslandCactus Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Chances are he said it out of anger and was very hurt. Betrayal is like having your heart ripped from your chest and thrown into a blender and I am sure that is what he felt. Not condoning what he said but I would be much less critical of one thing said in a moment of anger than a pattern of dishonesty and betrayal that you have displayed. I think that according to some people on here anything other than a full blessing from the BS to go and do whatever with the OM is bullying. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Of course you know I never said that. But it does happen in domestic disputes. You cannot Force people. Do you want to wind up with an abused, or dead child. No. I'm saying the cheater doesn't dictate to the other spouse. And if the BS doesn't want to be with the children. Save the children. And carry the baton of responsibility - as the parent. And we can receive that most likely the BS in this situation was threatening Not 'bullying'. Afterall he was loyal enough to punch out the AP ... edit.. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 The betrayed spouse should never abandon their children because it is not their fault but they should go for custody. My coworker won custody against his ex wife because he figured why should their lives be messed up because his ex cheated with some scumbag. More often than not the cheater makes it as hard as possible for a father to have any relationship with his children outside of paying support. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 That doesn't mean that's all he should do! A father SHOULD be responsible and accountable to his children no matter what. Yes he should. But others can't force him. Sometimes we must fill in .. instead of looking to others. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Yes he should. But others can't force him. Sometimes we must fill in .. instead of looking to others. That CLEARLY is NOT what you said previously and you've had several opportunities to clarify it and now it seems you are backtracking. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 That CLEARLY is NOT what you said previously and you've had several opportunities to clarify it and now it seems you are backtracking. Post 57 .. how is that backtracking. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Post 57 .. how is that backtracking. In this post you said, "I would think once a woman decides to leave her H for another, she shouldn't hold her H accountable for anything - not even their children" In this post you said, "He can be held responsible/accountable for child support - nothing more." And in this post you said, "Anyway, if there are problems in the marriage, why would you want your children to be with a less than loving parent. I hear news reports often - and too recently, of one in the relationship taking the child/children and killing them. It is revenge against the other parent." The last post I quoted implies that the cheating partner does not deserve the children. You said these things DIC........not I. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 [/url] And in this post you said, "Anyway, if there are problems in the marriage, why would you want your children to be with a less than loving parent. I hear news reports often - and too recently, of one in the relationship taking the child/children and killing them. It is revenge against the other parent." The last post I quoted implies that the cheating partner does not deserve the children. You said these things DIC........not I. I think this is a matter of understanding, because I read that as the OP (the CHEATER) should be happy to take the responsibility of the children because her H (the BETRAYED) didn't want that responsibility, therefore implying that the BS here would be the 'less than loving parent'. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 say leave ... wait if the kids aren't his then yeah I can see that. Has this been answered? Are the kids of the original poster biologically his? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I totally get what desertIslandCactus is saying. She is not saying it is right that BS would abandon the children, what she is saying is that IT DOES HAPPEN. You have to think that this could be a possible consequence. Some men get their feeling of success from their families. If their wife cheats, they may view it as a failure and decide to just move on, start over and make a new family. This is not that far out of the realm of possibility. There are many men that move on from their first marriages, pay child support but give little attention to their first set of kids, and fully immerse themselves in their new family. The kids from the first marriage are collateral damage. Again, this is not fair to them at all, but it is a real possibility. You can tell other people how they SHOULD react to things all day long, but you have no control over what they actually do. If you are going to cheat on your spouse, you should think about all the consequences. Some WW's have spouses that will put up with the cheating to keep their families intact. Some WW's have spouses that will file and go for custody. Some have H's that will run. Some have H's that commit suicide. Some stay but treat their wife like crap and tell the kids what a ho their mama is. You have no idea how another person is going to react when their world is turned upside down. So it's not about what's right or wrong. Because many people do wrong things. We don't live in a perfect world where everyone does the right thing all the time. Children are the ones that pay the biggest price for their parents affair. Cheaters may not think it's right, or fair, but that doesn't matter. In most cheating fantasy dreamworlds, the kids are on the peripheral. Cheaters tell themselves "my kids would want me to be happy" or "I am a better mom if I am happier". But kids just want their happy family, their mom & dad together. You will be viewed as sacrificing their happiness for your own. Many cheaters don't realize this until it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Herenow I don't think she has. She did say "our" children but you never know. He's looking to make a clean break that's why he said that. No man would leave his children. He is probably having an affair of his own.... yeah I said it. As a matter a fact I would leave his ass... No one says they will leave there children. Just from him abandoning his children on account of an affair says a lot about him. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I totally get what desertIslandCactus is saying. She is not saying it is right that BS would abandon the children, what she is saying is that IT DOES HAPPEN. You have to think that this could be a possible consequence. At first I was shocked at what she wrote, but after thinking about it and knowing her stance on issues, I came to the same conclusion as you. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Herenow I don't think she has. She did say "our" children but you never know. He's looking to make a clean break that's why he said that. No man would leave his children. He is probably having an affair of his own.... yeah I said it. As a matter a fact I would leave his ass... No one says they will leave there children. Just from him abandoning his children on account of an affair says a lot about him. the bolded: "No man would leave his children". Yes, yes, yes, yes they would. And mothers do it too. It's a RIDICULOUS claim to say it doesn't happen. Although you could have a point as to whether he meant it. Link to post Share on other sites
phillyfan Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I was. H said he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM. He felt strongly enough to lay down his ace. I wonder if others were dealt this card? Is that fair anyway? Or does an A mean you have to accept it? I am confused, if u are married, but then fall for some other dude, uve moved on. But u dont expect your husband to move on? Sounds like u xpect the poor guy to act like a doormat and if he doesnt do xactly what u r sayin, he is 'bullyin'u. Girl, youve been bullyin him. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I don't get the 'he's not accountable to his kids' sentiments here AT ALL. If my mother had decided to completely abandon me when she divorced my father due to his infidelity, I would hold her accountable for that. A spouse's infidelity is NEVER a good reason to abandon your child. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Are you saying that he should stay with you for the sake of the kids? But, you should be able to contact the OM if you want with no consequences? If you expect "fairness" from him, then why can't you do what he wants for the sake of the kids? He is saying that he will "abandon" you if you are with the OM. Why not just stay away from the OM? At least he is giving you a chance. The fact that you think he is a bully is a bit of a reach IMO. He is reacting to your actions. If there was no OM, he would have no reason to say what he did in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 WW, was this something that your H said recently or after d-day (whenever that was)? I am assuming that your H is still with you and your children? Then what is the problem if he is still there? Sure, he said something mean. But he didn't follow through. Why are you worrying about this now? Is this another way for you to paint your H as the bad guy-to yourself? If you are that unhappy in your current situation then take steps necessary to leave it. Quit blaming your H for not being the perfect spouse. YOU have the power to stop your unhappiness. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 That CLEARLY is NOT what you said previously and you've had several opportunities to clarify it and now it seems you are backtracking. I agree with your assessment of the posts. It is mind-boggling to me. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 In this post you said, "I would think once a woman decides to leave her H for another, she shouldn't hold her H accountable for anything - not even their children" No. I don't think she should hold her H accountable. At that time I was not thinking of child support. If he doesn't wish to be with the children, he shouldn't. In this post you said, "He can be held responsible/accountable for child support - nothing more." And in this post you said, "Anyway, if there are problems in the marriage, why would you want your children to be with a less than loving parent. I hear news reports often - and too recently, of one in the relationship taking the child/children and killing them. It is revenge against the other parent." The last post I quoted implies that the cheating partner does not deserve the children. You said these things DIC........not I. I said the less than loving parent. I meant the parent who does Not wish to be with the child/children. You wanted to interpret it as the cheater. We are mostly speaking about OP's situation. If I cheated on my spouse, and he wanted to Run from myself And the children, why hold him accountable. I Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Then what is the problem if he is still there? Because he expects her to NOT f around with this other guy while married to him. If you read other threads, the OP has made it clear that she holds the BS responsible for the WS cheating because of their expectations of fidelity. Would that be a "cake and eat it too" situation? Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 If I cheated on my spouse, and he wanted to Run from myself And the children, why hold him accountable. You shouldn't hold himself accountable to you. You would have lost your right to do that by cheating on him. But your children have a right to their father that is separate & apart from your right to them. Your husband is their father first and foremost. It is not tied to his relationship with you. He is & always will be their father. If he would chose to severe that tie with his children because of what you did to him, then I think he would be a very bad father indeed. And I think it would be wrong to threaten that no matter how much he was hurting. I can't imagine how someone could even say that about their children. The wife- yeah- abandon her because she abandoned you by cheating. The children- never. They had nothing to do with anything, they were just born to a father and mother like anyone else. And I think the father & mother should both be involved in the child's life no matter what their relationship status or issues. Link to post Share on other sites
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