Bullied after DDay

[Snowflower]

UnfortunTely, I think the damage is done with his daughter. she really needs therapy, and I tried to get her in, but to no avail. As for his xw? I hope she finally stops being so obsessed with competing with me - I'm not in it anymore but she stills seems to need him back to feel like she "beat" me. She apparently printed out my online dating profile and took It to her therapist. I feel sorry for her. Her xh is so not worth it.

 

I know you tried to help his daughter. I remember you posting about that. At this point, their own family and personal issues will be their own to deal with. It sounds like a dysfunctional family. Some families are like that and they make real messes out of their children, it's sad to see.

 

I'm not a biblical person, but maybe that is what is meant by the sins of the parents being visited on their children rather than the sins of infidelity or eating shellfish.

[donnamaybe]

Please! No one implied that. She wanted her kids, but she also didn't want their kids to lose their father. And why should they? Why should the kids get punished for the parents cheating? That's just so wrong.

Isn't that the truth. Unfortunately, NEITHER parent thought of that since one was sneaking around behind their father's back, and the other is now using them as pawns.

[jthorne]

The lack of humility shown is a bit baffling.

[tami-chan]

This man has done nothing. In fact, this man is a saint for staying with wheelwright who continues to blame him for her affair and accepts no responsibility.

 

A saint? lol..I thought sainthood requires a higher standard...anyway...I don't know all of wheelwright's story, I am sure there is enough blame to share. I do not think ANYBODY gets a pass for using the kids as a means to hold on to a marriage, to keep anybody in line, to do anything. that's all.

 

This man did not abandon his kids or even wheelright after she had been sleeping around. He threatened to in a moment of pain and for this you crucify him? Make him out to be a horrible for person for mere words said in anger.

 

He is a horrible person for using his kids to threaten anybody for anything. Yes.

 

I wonder if you are projecting your anger on him that your mm stays because of his wifes threat.

 

Wonder not. My MM and I are AMICABLY divorced from our spouses and are together . We do not have the kind of drama that most families involve in affairs have. Our children are great ! Oh just a side note, my xH still wants to be with me-imagine that, the serial cheater still wants the only woman he ever married-hilarious, dontya think?

[tami-chan]

Can any of you imagine anything more horrific than being forced into having custody of your children after your spouse left you for something as benign as YOUR CHEATING? omg, I can't imagine.

 

That was not the point, but you know that already, don't you? Adults should be able to sever relationships and not have children be used as LEVERAGE ( I think someone used that word here-disturbing ).

 

Let's be realistic here. Good parents who want their children would not feel 'bullied' into having full custody.

 

A "good" parent would endure a joyless existence in the marriage if it means the children will grow having two "good" parents. Fortunately(or unfortunately-depending on how one sees it), many people can compartmentalize-they are good parents while not being good spouses. OR...

 

A "good" parent would let the other "good" parent leave the marriage while assuring the children that the demise of the marriage has nothing to do with them and therefore both parties will try their best to be there for the children.

[mizliz]

 

A "good" parent would endure a joyless existence in the marriage if it means the children will grow having two "good" parents. Fortunately(or unfortunately-depending on how one sees it), many people can compartmentalize-they are good parents while not being good spouses. OR...

 

A "good" parent would let the other "good" parent leave the marriage while assuring the children that the demise of the marriage has nothing to do with them and therefore both parties will try their best to be there for the children.

 

Amen. Seriously.

[wheelwright]

I did read your post on the other thread. Thank you for responding. That particular thread did have a ton of postings so I did have to go back through and dig, that's why I missed it in the first place.

 

Your response does not surprise me in the least. I come from abandonment and so does my husband, it does something very profound to the core of you, it saps you sense of direction and personal power.

 

It makes perfect sense that as your emotional template is forming in childhood that a vast amount of stability and security is needed to fully feel that you have a say or control in your own life.

 

Many people think that cheaters are simply callous or over the top, while there are definite elements of this in most cases I have seen, it is almost like the WS has in many cases surrendered some kind of undercurrent of power into the marriage and then into the affair. The tides sweep you in and out and you never find your footing.

 

You see, if you had your footing you have no have no problem letting go if something that was insufferable before clinging to something or someone else.

I have that trouble too but it rears it's head in other forms of escapism.

 

The issue of cheating is that it is so damaging to the BS that the WS is ripped apart so harshly. As well, often I think WS don't even realize the pain that they are trying to avoid and they often can't see the damage they cause through their own pain.

 

Often I think WS can't face their own pain and therefore the pain of a BS is completely overwhelming. As well, WS are (personal theory) so confident they they will never be left do why the hack not cheat OR they are trying to put some intimate distance between themselves and their spouse whom they constantly fear will leave them anyways.

 

Either way, being a WS is an internal conflict personified. From much of your posting it seems that you cannot or will not see the damage caused to your H. This isn't an attack, but maybe a blindfold or something you feel is/was justified. Have you thought of perhaps getting done EMDR therapy over the childhood abandonment? It would make all of the other relationships less triggering. I was terrified beyond belief over being left for years, and I would go crazy over the notion of it even, sheer terror. I have held car door handles as an SO was driving away. After six sessions last year ( and I was only one third the way through) I felt okay with it. Not great but okay. I had some of my footing. I know I need more EMDR but at least I know what can help now.

 

I wish you the best WW.

 

Thank you so much for this post and your others. I am shaking, so you have hit a number of nerves. Is it cold in here?

 

You are probably right about a lot of stuff, and it sounds like you have worked through similar. I need to think about it from this perspective some more.

 

I completely agree that having not ever had a very firm footing, things I caused and also things others did which had effects on me dislodged me further and sent me to a very dark place. I totally relate to this being why I have found my A so difficult to recover from.

 

I also agree that I don't understand H's pain. I see it. Feel the appropriate compassion. I can see why to a degree, but not the whole way. I was able to try to put myself on hold for a year while he processed, but I didn't always master that (yeah, OK I often failed ).

 

I think I will try therapy, and look up the type you are talking about.

 

I want to say I appreciate that you have bothered to see deeper things behind my posts, which I realise may seem inflammatory at times because I do not give enough respect to my H's pain.

 

I think some of my issues about this are deeper and less messed up. It is horrible if the person you rely on for a safe and respectful primary R throws that away because they need to do something else. But I also think that something else may be important to them. Cheating for sexual gratification is imo something we grow out of. We might try it, when drunk and young.

 

Cheating where you experience love or passion may cause grief for all, and I won't be going there again. I don't like the grief I caused myself or others, but I do like the passion and love I experienced. And I would want others to have that in their lives too.

 

This is a difficult and unresolved issue for me re my A and how people talk about their As post. And how I feel about the right and wrong involved.

 

During my childhood, I never delved deep into the right or wrong of parents abandoning me. I accepted it as a choice they made which I had no say in. I didn't allow myself to experience the pain. But that was in part due to the moral stance I held - to do with not feeling it is a correct expectation to tie someone to love via duty. But where we have arrived here is as if to say this 'moral' stance is just a reflection of a childhood coping mechanism. Which has left me unable to deal with my own acts of abandonment (my A) or indeed anyone's towards me.

 

That's so messed up I almost hope it isn't true, and that I am just a bit more free thinking than many!

 

(I only added that last bit cos I've been accused here of having no sense of humour ).

[wheelwright]

It happened to me. Personally I was glad to be out of the M's. I could go back and forth in my own situation and say, "he did this and she did that", although fact was the M's were over.

 

It can take several years to collect child support if the S is evading, and even then, there are still ways to get around it..I know, I lived it.

 

Not to mention no child support they were flippant concerning visiting the kids.

 

Sooooo, who was there for my kids throughout the years, I have been, just like always.

 

IMO it was wrong for your H to say that...if your M didn't work, oh well, but to include the kids was wrong.

 

I agree Pure. And I think it caused a lot of havoc in my M post DDay. Because I felt I had to become secretive in order to create the best space for the kids. It's funny I have only just remembered this.

 

I can let it go. I know H was very hurt and filled with despair. But like Tami Shan said, you should never use the kids.

 

But H is definately a good dad. I can see the positives and negatives that he is passing down. I think if I had run off into the proverbial sunset with xMOM at the time, he would have taken himself away and abandoned them for a while. And perhaps, even though there was bullying to force my hand, it would have been wrong of me to leave the father of my children in that state of despair at that time.

[wheelwright]

A's are so painful. It took me a long time and counseling, and medication to be in a proper frame of mind again. We each deal with things in our own individual ways.

 

My gut reaction is that he was trying to keep control of you, his family, whatever, as best as he knew how by issuing that threat. Your world literally flips on D-day. Everything you "knew" and believed in about the M is questioned, challenged, and more than anything you realize the faith and trust you put in your partner was not warranted. Everything that felt solid is crumbling beneath your feet and you hang on to whatever you can to help you feel stable. Your world, your life, as you knew it two seconds before, is no more. It no longer exists. That's a terrifying thing.

 

He may have also been trying to intentionally hurt you, but considering the circumstances, I understand that.

 

 

Bolded is true for H. I do see that. Heck, it was true for me too.

 

Life between me and H since that day has been a jumble of pain and honesty and 'trying'. Of his rage and my guilt and my pain and his. He feels particular anger against xMOM. Which he just thinks is OK but I think he at least needs to move towards getting over. And that is a point of dissent between us.

 

We went through a sunny patch for a while, but then he punched a hole in one of our windows in a rage. We are in separate rooms now. I don't think there is much reconciliation at work, but there is a lot of talk and understanding and healing.

 

I think we are looking towards a proper separation. We are taking our time and trying to heal the friendship as we go.

 

He feels bad too, for all the things he let go wrong. For the perceived inadequecies in himself.

 

We both feel bad for what we cannot change.

[mizliz]

During my childhood, I never delved deep into the right or wrong of parents abandoning me. I accepted it as a choice they made which I had no say in. I didn't allow myself to experience the pain. But that was in part due to the moral stance I held - to do with not feeling it is a correct expectation to tie someone to love via duty. But where we have arrived here is as if to say this 'moral' stance is just a reflection of a childhood coping mechanism. Which has left me unable to deal with my own acts of abandonment (my A) or indeed anyone's towards me.

 

 

This is a brilliant insight - and I wonder about your feelings/thoughts with respect to "expectations". You obviously know, given the thread topic, that it is NOT ok to abandon your children - under any circumstance. Yes, one can leave for a period, if the intent is to provide. Abandonment is a different beast.

 

Give yourself permission to let go of any guilt you have. Then, give yourself permission to be f--king pissed off at your own abandonment. But take care and trust in someone to help. You are very self-aware, WW.

[wheelwright]

The person with primary custody of the children has less time for dating, fooling around, and having adult fun. That's all that was about. Making it more difficult for her to find time for bangin' random dudes, but giving him PLENTY of time to do whatever he wants. Why should he have to shoulder all the responsibility when she's the one who wrecked the marriage?

 

I just want it on the record that I am not a 'random dudes' type.

[bentnotbroken]

Bolded is true for H. I do see that. Heck, it was true for me too.

 

Life between me and H since that day has been a jumble of pain and honesty and 'trying'. Of his rage and my guilt and my pain and his. He feels particular anger against xMOM. Which he just thinks is OK but I think he at least needs to move towards getting over. And that is a point of dissent between us.

 

We went through a sunny patch for a while, but then he punched a hole in one of our windows in a rage. We are in separate rooms now. I don't think there is much reconciliation at work, but there is a lot of talk and understanding and healing.

 

I think we are looking towards a proper separation. We are taking our time and trying to heal the friendship as we go.

 

He feels bad too, for all the things he let go wrong. For the perceived inadequecies in himself.

 

We both feel bad for what we cannot change.

 

 

It is okay. Most professionals say it can take up to five years. Taking steps forward and back is more than normal. He does need help dealing with the physical portion of his anger. Separation will probably go a long way toward his healing.

[wheelwright]

What was your viewpoint on the "All's fair in love and war" thread?

 

In fact I haven't varied from that here. As far as I remember!

 

Anyway, I feel what my H said was deeply wrong, but I do forgive him because I see it did come out of despair.

 

But the controlling and 'dealing an ace' behaviour changed my view of him. And of his level of hurt. I was facing a man who would do anything to prevent his nightmare getting worse.

 

I honestly think I would have behaved differently at the time had he not said this though.

 

I also would have behaved differently if he had not been so hurt.

[wheelwright]

I like this post because it illustrates all of the drama that A's can produces for all of the people involved with the M party. It also show's how the one who created this situation see's themselves as the victim in this case. Look at what you are saying " he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM ". Your H wouldn't never have said this if you hadn't put your entire family in the situation in the first place. I know that he has said many things lately that he never imagined would come out of his mouth. He did it because he is hurt by your betrayel and I'm sure that the part about the kids was mean't to cause you a lot of pain. I'm suprised at what some folks have put in here about how could he ever say such a thing. IMO when people that think you care about them find out that you don't value your relationship with them as much as they do the reaction will never be one that anyone can predict.

 

I think you are trying to say I saw myself as the victim.

 

Perhaps H wanted me (via kids) as a victim if he were to be one.

 

There's an old story about we are all either muggers or victims. He was positioning himself.

[wheelwright]

Why would someone stay for any reason with a person who could use this as a CREDIBLE threat to bully them around?

 

If my wife honestly believed that I could do something like this to our kids...she'd have left me years ago. If she thought I was the kind of guy who could do this...I wouldn't be the kind of man she'd stayed with all these years.

 

If your spouse is this self-centered/angry/whatever...why would you not have taken measures to protect yourself and your children long ago?

 

He's nice sometimes?

 

I can see the responses here are as divided as they are on many subjects. Some see the pain of the BS as understandable, if not the sentiments behind the threat.

 

I will never know. In all honesty, I don't know if I would have stayed to try to work it out if I hadn't encountered this threat.

 

It seems there are not many WSs faced with this.

 

In my H's defence, he put it in such a way as to say he couldn't deal with it if I were to leave and be with xMOM (and so would have to go and make another life), rather than as an evil threat. But it was thinly disguised.

 

But it did throw me. Was an unexpected contender in the things to think about. And certainly gave him some power back.

 

From his point of view - 'my pain means I am forced to behave like this now. Which I wouldn't have done if you hadn't put me in this situation'

 

I know I would not have done the same, but then another person will say they are better than me because they would not have an A.

 

At the moment, it is one issue in how I reflect on the M as a whole.

[fooled once]

I like this post because it illustrates all of the drama that A's can produces for all of the people involved with the M party. It also show's how the one who created this situation see's themselves as the victim in this case. Look at what you are saying " he would abandon me and our kids if I were to be with xMOM ". Your H wouldn't never have said this if you hadn't put your entire family in the situation in the first place. I know that he has said many things lately that he never imagined would come out of his mouth. He did it because he is hurt by your betrayel and I'm sure that the part about the kids was mean't to cause you a lot of pain. I'm suprised at what some folks have put in here about how could he ever say such a thing. IMO when people that think you care about them find out that you don't value your relationship with them as much as they do the reaction will never be one that anyone can predict.

 

great post!

 

That doesn't mean that's all he should do! A father SHOULD be responsible and accountable to his children no matter what.

 

Should is the operative word. Some fathers who get divorced only become financially responsible for their children - by their OWN choice. You cannot force a non custodial parent to exercise visitation. All the custodial parent can do is get court ordered support and have the children available for visitation. You cannot make someone spend time with their children.

 

Chances are he said it out of anger and was very hurt. Betrayal is like having your heart ripped from your chest and thrown into a blender and I am sure that is what he felt. Not condoning what he said but I would be much less critical of one thing said in a moment of anger than a pattern of dishonesty and betrayal that you have displayed.

 

I think that according to some people on here anything other than a full blessing from the BS to go and do whatever with the OM is bullying.

 

Agree!

 

 

He's looking to make a clean break that's why he said that. No man would leave his children. He is probably having an affair of his own.... yeah I said it. As a matter a fact I would leave his ass... No one says they will leave there children. Just from him abandoning his children on account of an affair says a lot about him.

 

MANY men DO leave their children. It is a fact. I lived it with my son, My ex rarely exercised his visitation - by his own choice. Even getting c/s was a monthly fight - every month for 12 long years!

 

Your husband is not a bully just because he SAID he would abandon the children. He was probably hurt, angry and scared and letting those emotions out. I doubt very much that he would have truly abandoned his kids. You on the other hand did not just SAY you were going to have an affair you actually did it and you caused immense pain, but now it's your husband who's the bad guy cause he said mean words to you? You should be able to cheat and then take off with your kids to be with OM and that's all ticky boo, but heavens forbid that your husband might say threatening words to you in a time of great anguish. How awful of him! Please!

 

Excellent!

 

Ummm...what is it exactly that you believed happened? WW's husband showed amazing loyalty and conviction during the ending of her affair. From her own previous posts she described her husband as her number one supporter when her exmm was treating her like crap. I don't doubt that he probably blew up from time to time due to the stress and pain but for the most part he sounded solid and stable. He didn't abandon his children and I wholeheartedly believe that he wouldn't have had it come down to it. You say "so don't lay this crap at her doorstep that if she hadn't cheated this wouldn't have happened" Well what are you saying here? Do you think her husband just routinely told WW that he was going to leave her and the kids even before she cheated? That he was some kind of a monster that enjoyed tormenting her for the fun of it?

 

If you haven't read her whole story you should. Her husband didn't manipulate her to do anything. He wasn't the one to put a stop to the affair, her MM was. At that time WW would have left her husband in a heartbeat if her MM indicated that he would leave his wife. And I think she actually did leave her husband for a short while and then only went back to him when she realized her lover wasn't going to leave his wife. Back then WW was doing everything and anything to satisfy her own desires. She was quite good at not letting anyone get in the way of getting her own needs met without concern of the impact her affair would have on her husband or her children. Now you would have us believe that WW is just a delicate helpless flower, incapable of standing up to her monster of a husband?

 

She is not with her husband because he threatened to abandon the kids, she is with him because her married man didn't want her. After all WW didn't say that her husband threatened to abandon the kids if she left the marriage. She said he threatened to abandon the kids if she left to go be with the OM. Since her OM doesn't want her anyways and she isn't goint to be with him EVER, her husbands threat is moot point and should have no bearing on if she leaves or stays now, but now she doesnt' want to leave because she doesn't have OM to go running to. Like so many cheating women, she doesn't have the guts to leave her husband simply because she doesn't love him, she would rather use her husband while she waits for the next best thing.

 

Exactly. To this day, WW pines for the MM. She blames the wife for her not being with him. She blames anyone and everyone. She seems "obsessed" with the MM. He didn't choose her and she is angry over it. She can't seem to let it go. It eats up her soul She can't put a period on it and move on. If the MM gave her even gave her a hint of starting up the affair again, IMHO she would jump at it.

 

Where were her children when she was having the affair? How are her children doing now, knowing their mom is miserable in the home? Do they know she longs for another man?

 

Oh My God!! Would you go back and read her story. Read the very first thread she ever started. She did not capitulate to her husbands threat. She left him and was happily involved in her affair. She didn't care how her husband felt or what he said. She didn't care how her kids felt about leaving their father either. She just wanted her OM. Then her OM ended the affair and completely shut her down and that's when she went back to her husband. She was the one who upset her childrens lives by all the coming and going yet you seemed determined to paint her husband as a manipulative and undeserviing father.

 

Yep. God forbid a betrayed spouse say ANYTHING remotely negative or show signs of sadness when confronted by the fact that his wife has been actively not only screwing someone else, but in love with someone. Then that spouse has to watch while she mourns and pines over someone. Can you image how utterly depressive that house must be? I do not understand why WW doesn't leave. She doesn't love her H, she doesn't believe in marriage, she wants someone she can't have. She can't be happy; so why stay and continue to have her children live in a home where there is no love, no family and no happiness?

 

I do not believe this man meant he would leave his children. He said something in anger and frustration. It seems like most OW want to use any excuse to stone a betrayed spouse; because then they don't have to accept responsibility for THEIR actions which lead to the ENTIRE problem to begin with. Had WW or other OW been HONEST from the start and did NOT have an affair..... OWN YOUR ACTIONS!!! OWN YOUR CHOICES!!! Where was your thought (general your) for your kids when you were actively choosing to mess around on your spouse? Where was your loyalty to them?

 

The kids are the ones who will be hurt the most.

 

I do not believe what the husband said was bullying. No way, no how. I think by staying with someone but pining for and wishing for someone else is way worse than this one sentence he uttered. What I don't understand is why he, the husband, doesn't kick her out of the house since she has no desire to be married to tied to him anymore. I wish he had the courage to do this.

[wheelwright]

Abandoning the kids is horrible--unexcusable.

 

Abandoning the WS, separate from the kids, is understandable.

 

Short of criminal threats (violent threats), I can't see judging a BS on things they say in days of desperation and despair. It think most people would say things don't necessarily mean when at the edge of their pain threshold.

 

I would judge a BS who actually abandons the mutual children, but not so much a BS who expresses the urge to "run away" from the whole painful situation, kids and all, while in the depths of pain.

 

WW, you see yourself as the victim of bullying. Do you think your H felt bullied when he said that? Do you think he felt bullied (by you) to accept a situation that was unimaginably painful to him? (you and the kids with xMOM).

 

Yes, I think this puts that side of the argument well.

[WorldIsYours]

I also agree that I don't understand H's pain. I see it. Feel the appropriate compassion. I can see why to a degree, but not the whole way. I was able to try to put myself on hold for a year while he processed, but I didn't always master that (yeah, OK I often failed ).

 

It's not that you don't understand it, but that you refuse to.

 

Cheating for sexual gratification is imo something we grow out of. We might try it, when drunk and young.

 

Cheating is not justified in any way, or age.

 

Cheating where you experience love or passion may cause grief for all, and I won't be going there again.

 

Cheating has nothing to do with love.

 

I don't like the grief I caused myself or others, but I do like the passion and love I experienced. And I would want others to have that in their lives too.

 

So you don't like hurting others, yet you still liked hurting others? Nice...

[wheelwright]

Well, with the OP's attitude of It's the BS's fault for not letting the WS screw others (and I paraphrase), I'm sure he DID feel bullied.

 

I think you and I may differ on whether discussion is about deciding fault.

 

I do thinks some things are unfair morally, and I am not sure if As are one of those things or not.

 

I know I uphold the positive side of having an A, but I don't say the WS has no fault. I don't think my A is my H's fault. But he was not an easy person to be M to.

 

And I don't think H felt bullied. He felt sidelined. Which is a trigger for him as a shy, middle child. That's what caused him the pain (along with the betrayal).

 

I may be many things, but I am not a virago. I am tempted to ask if you are?

[WorldIsYours]

Because I felt I had to become secretive in order to create the best space for the kids.

 

Being secretive and having affairs is not creating the best space for kids, you know that.

 

I can let it go. I know H was very hurt and filled with despair. But like Tami Shan said, you should never use the kids.

 

Nor should you have cheated and nor should you continue to gaslight your husband by being selfish and unremorseful for your actions. He said a few things out of anger, so what. Can't regulate how someone can be pissed off, especially when there's cheating involved.

 

I think if I had run off into the proverbial sunset with xMOM at the time, he would have taken himself away and abandoned them for a while.

 

You talk about what he might've done, yet you were willing to leave your own family after you destroyed it, for a married man that wasn't even about to leave his wife for you.

 

And perhaps, even though there was bullying to force my hand, it would have been wrong of me to leave the father of my children in that state of despair at that time.

 

There was no bullying. There's only you still trying to find some silly reason to justify your affair with someone else's man, and to continue gaslighting your husband into thinking you still care about him and the family. You even said yourself if someone hot put the moves on you you would not resist his advances.

[wheelwright]

Chances are he said it out of anger and was very hurt. Betrayal is like having your heart ripped from your chest and thrown into a blender and I am sure that is what he felt. Not condoning what he said but I would be much less critical of one thing said in a moment of anger than a pattern of dishonesty and betrayal that you have displayed.

 

I think that according to some people on here anything other than a full blessing from the BS to go and do whatever with the OM is bullying.[/QUOTE]

 

thanks for the belly laugh!

 

H didn't say it in anger, but in despair, and re-iterated.

 

And in some ways I feel like what you said. Yes, I still feel bad that my A didn't go on. I miss him. I would have changed my life for him.

 

But not in the face of my H's pain and the threat that I have to hope came from it.

[wheelwright]

Has this been answered? Are the kids of the original poster biologically his?

 

Yep. Was faithful for those nine years, so only H can be the father.

[WorldIsYours]

Life between me and H since that day has been a jumble of pain and honesty and 'trying'. Of his rage and my guilt and my pain and his. He feels particular anger against xMOM.

 

Of course he's mad. His own wife cheated on him and doesn't even love him, not to mention the fact that your ex-OM disrespected him.

 

Which he just thinks is OK but I think he at least needs to move towards getting over. And that is a point of dissent between us.

 

No wonder he's angry. This type of unremorsefulness right here ^^^^.

 

We went through a sunny patch for a while, but then he punched a hole in one of our windows in a rage. We are in separate rooms now. I don't think there is much reconciliation at work, but there is a lot of talk and understanding and healing.

 

And why exactly did he do that?

 

I think we are looking towards a proper separation. We are taking our time and trying to heal the friendship as we go.

 

There's no friendship to heal. There's only co-parenting the kids now.

 

He feels bad too, for all the things he let go wrong. For the perceived inadequecies in himself.

 

For the things he let go wrong? Hmph.

 

We both feel bad for what we cannot change.

 

Only he feels bad right now. Not you. Especially after what you posted on here about how good your ex-OM was in the bed.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, I'm having abit of a hard time here as everybody has jumped in and some people have made your H out to be the devil since he said some things out of anger that he really didn't mean.

 

Where do you stand on this as of "now"?

 

Do you feel your H is cruel, manipulative and an awful person? Does he still plan on walking out on you and your kids forever? Or again, was that said due to anger, heartache and finding out you were cheating on him?

 

Whatever the outcome, either you two stay together and do counselling (separately and apart) or you two divorce (and still do counselling, since you'll still have to co parent together -- I assume he's going to be in the kids lives and he's not abandoning them) just hope you guys can be nice and civil towards eachother for the kids sake and make the adjustment as easy and smoothly as possible for them.

[WorldIsYours]

I just want it on the record that I am not a 'random dudes' type.

 

Doesn't matter. It's irrelevant in your situation now. You have a pissed off husband and a possible divorce to look forward to.