When MP blames A on OP

[herenow]

I don't think the issue is what the BW thinks, but what the MM tells her. The OW feels that the MM owes her a debt of loyalty - after all, by being honest with her while patently not being honest with his W, he is privileging his R with the OW over his R with his W, and so the OW develops an expectation of loyalty and continued prioritisation. If this doesn't materialise on DDay, and he shops the OW to the BW, then in the OW's eyes the MM is reducing her to the same status of disrespect as the BW - and that's not a nice possibility to have to confront.

 

What makes you think he was being honest with the OW in the first place? If the OW was ever the priority, the MM would have left his wife, IMO.

 

To continue to hide his relationship with the OW, a MM is already showing the same if not more disrespect to the OW as he is his wife. He is doing whatever he can to preserve the marriage for whatever reason. That in itself should tell an OW that she isn't as much of a priority as the MM and him doing whatever he wants to do.

 

When the MM stays it's because it is what he wants to do. If he wanted to be with the OW, he would. Just take a look at the divorce rate and you will see that many people leave unhappy marriages for many reasons. Not impossible.

[jennie-jennie]

For the OW the pleasure had nothing to do with the BS but with the MM. She does not want him to be happy with another woman.

 

Especially not his wife.

[herenow]

Especially not his wife.

 

Interesting. As a BW, I would rather have had my H go and be happy with the OW than stay with me if he loved her.

 

He is lying to everyone involved including himself. It's how you (the general you) handle it that matters to you. If an OW wants to obsess over what is happening in the marriage of a MM who threw her under the bus, then that is her choice. Waste of effort IMO. Just saying.

 

As a BW, my choice was to focus on my myself, my H, my family, my marriage, etc. The OW and how she felt was insignificant to me. If we did get divorced, then my focus would not have been on his happiness and who he was happy with. I would be creating my own happiness.

[OWoman]

What makes you think he was being honest with the OW in the first place? If the OW was ever the priority, the MM would have left his wife, IMO.

 

I have an issue with this claim. One can only make this statement in retrospect, once all is said and done.

 

During my A, I was very much the priority - the whole way through. And yet - my MM hadn't left yet. He wasn't ready, and I wasn't ready. It was only in the fullness of time when things were right and we were both ready, that leaving became feasible. Now that he's left, people can look back and say, "ah yes, you were different. Your H prioritised you." And sure, he did. But at the time - before he left - I heard exactly what every other OW here hears, about how I was nothing, his BW was everything because, after all, he was with her and not me... and no amount of explaining that that was due to agreement and planning on both of our sides would have the slightest impact on the nay-sayers. They were convinced that he'd have dropped the BW immediately if he really felt anything more for me than seeing me as a "side dish" or a "dirty little secret".

 

No one knows how a situation will pan out until it pans out.

[herenow]

I have an issue with this claim. One can only make this statement in retrospect, once all is said and done.

 

During my A, I was very much the priority - the whole way through. And yet - my MM hadn't left yet. He wasn't ready, and I wasn't ready. It was only in the fullness of time when things were right and we were both ready, that leaving became feasible. Now that he's left, people can look back and say, "ah yes, you were different. Your H prioritised you." And sure, he did. But at the time - before he left - I heard exactly what every other OW here hears, about how I was nothing, his BW was everything because, after all, he was with her and not me... and no amount of explaining that that was due to agreement and planning on both of our sides would have the slightest impact on the nay-sayers. They were convinced that he'd have dropped the BW immediately if he really felt anything more for me than seeing me as a "side dish" or a "dirty little secret".

 

No one knows how a situation will pan out until it pans out.

 

OK, well I believe this thread is about what the MM tells the wife after d-day and he has decide to not leave. Am I wrong?

 

If the OW was ever the priority, why would he tell his BW it was her (the OW) fault?

Edited August 27, 2010 by herenow

[donnamaybe]

Interesting. As a BW, I would rather have had my H go and be happy with the OW than stay with me if he loved her.

 

He is lying to everyone involved including himself. It's how you (the general you) handle it that matters to you. If an OW wants to obsess over what is happening in the marriage of a MM who threw her under the bus, then that is her choice. Waste of effort IMO. Just saying.

 

As a BW, my choice was to focus on my myself, my H, my family, my marriage, etc. The OW and how she felt was insignificant to me. If we did get divorced, then my focus would not have been on his happiness and who he was happy with. I would be creating my own happiness.

What a healthy way to live a life!

 

And would your R's not always involve monogomy? I know I MUST have my man's full attention as THE woman in his life. Lucky for me, I have that!

[donnamaybe]

OK, well I believe this thread is about what the MM tells the wife after d-day and he has decide to not leave. Am I wrong?

 

If the OW was ever the priority, why would he tell his BW it was her (the OW) fault?

Or if a priority, why would a man or woman not leave within a reasonable amount of time to be with their OW/OM?

 

Years of waiting is not, to me, indicative of a very high level of priority.

[Hazyhead]

Especially not his wife.

 

 

From my own experience, I disagree with this Jennie. It didn't work put for us but if they want to save their marriage and that makes him happy, then I hope he works it out with his wife. I only wish him happiness.

[jennie-jennie]

Interesting. As a BW, I would rather have had my H go and be happy with the OW than stay with me if he loved her.

 

He is lying to everyone involved including himself. It's how you (the general you) handle it that matters to you. If an OW wants to obsess over what is happening in the marriage of a MM who threw her under the bus, then that is her choice. Waste of effort IMO. Just saying.

I said nothing about obsessing.

 

As a BW, my choice was to focus on my myself, my H, my family, my marriage, etc. The OW and how she felt was insignificant to me.

Once again, the BS and how she feels is insignificant. It is all about the MM.

If we did get divorced, then my focus would not have been on his happiness and who he was happy with. I would be creating my own happiness.

Ultimately this is true of the OW as well. But in the moment of raw pain before things settle down, whichever woman the MM is not with is clearly hurting.

 

I know it hurt like hell when I saw my SO with his OW soon after I found out about her. I sure did not enjoy seeing how happy they were together. I felt like he was giving her everything he had not been able to give to me. I didn't want to live any longer.

[donnamaybe]

From my own experience, I disagree with this Jennie. It didn't work put for us but if they want to save their marriage and that makes him happy, then I hope he works it out with his wife. I only wish him happiness.

Again, a very healthy outlook, IMO.

[silktricks]

I don't think the issue is what the BW thinks, but what the MM tells her. The OW feels that the MM owes her a debt of loyalty - after all, by being honest with her while patently not being honest with his W, he is privileging his R with the OW over his R with his W, and so the OW develops an expectation of loyalty and continued prioritisation. If this doesn't materialise on DDay, and he shops the OW to the BW, then in the OW's eyes the MM is reducing her to the same status of disrespect as the BW - and that's not a nice possibility to have to confront.

:lmao::lmao:

Wow - just wow. First what a leap of faith that he's being honest to the OW - remember - when caught between telling the truth and telling a lie to get what he wants he's already proved that he will lie....

 

and then though it's just fine for him to lie to the wife (forget the debt of loyalty he owes her), but he'd really better stay loyal to the OW, even after D-Day and apparently trying to rebuild his marriage.

 

Ya know, I don't and never did care a fig about what kind of lies my husband did or didn't tell about me when he was having his affair. It didn't matter then, it doesn't matter now. They were whatever they were. After D-Day I didn't care about their situation, I cared about ours. Had he not chosen to work on our marriage, then I wouldn't have cared about either of them. I certainly wasn't going to waste any of my time worrying about what he may say to her in between when he told me about it and told her it was over....

 

Why do the OW have this apparent need to have reassurance that the MM is showing loyalty to THEM - even if he is obviously interested in staying married?

[jennie-jennie]

OK, well I believe this thread is about what the MM tells the wife after d-day and he has decide to not leave. Am I wrong?

 

If the OW was ever the priority, why would he tell his BW it was her (the OW) fault?

 

He's continuing his dishonest relationship with his wife, which he apparently has a need to continue having.

[silktricks]

Sure, all is fair in love and war.

 

For the OW the pleasure had nothing to do with the BS but with the MM. She does not want him to be happy with another woman.

 

That's sad. I love my husband. If things hadn't worked out between us, I would have wanted him to be happy. Period. If not with me, then with someone else.

[jennie-jennie]

From my own experience, I disagree with this Jennie. It didn't work put for us but if they want to save their marriage and that makes him happy, then I hope he works it out with his wife. I only wish him happiness.

 

I know there are many OW like you, Hazy. Should have mentioned that perhaps.

[herenow]

He's continuing his dishonest relationship with his wife, which he apparently has a need to continue having.

 

Yes, but how is that important to the OW? Why wouldn't the OW just be happy that she isn't part of the equation anymore?

 

I know, you would want them to be unhappy if you are unhappy. To each his own I guess.

[jennie-jennie]

:lmao::lmao:

Wow - just wow. First what a leap of faith that he's being honest to the OW - remember - when caught between telling the truth and telling a lie to get what he wants he's already proved that he will lie....

 

and then though it's just fine for him to lie to the wife (forget the debt of loyalty he owes her), but he'd really better stay loyal to the OW, even after D-Day and apparently trying to rebuild his marriage.

 

Ya know, I don't and never did care a fig about what kind of lies my husband did or didn't tell about me when he was having his affair. It didn't matter then, it doesn't matter now. They were whatever they were. After D-Day I didn't care about their situation, I cared about ours. Had he not chosen to work on our marriage, then I wouldn't have cared about either of them. I certainly wasn't going to waste any of my time worrying about what he may say to her in between when he told me about it and told her it was over....

 

Why do the OW have this apparent need to have reassurance that the MM is showing loyalty to THEM - even if he is obviously interested in staying married?

 

I think there is a big difference between moving on to another woman and going back to the wife. In the OW's eyes the MM has already moved on to her from the wife. If he then goes back to the marriage, that is much more difficult to accept than if he moved on to yet another woman.

[jennie-jennie]

That's sad. I love my husband. If things hadn't worked out between us, I would have wanted him to be happy. Period. If not with me, then with someone else.

 

Again, seeing someone move on is much easier than seeing them go back.

[herenow]

I think there is a big difference between moving on to another woman and going back to the wife. In the OW's eyes the MM has already moved on to her from the wife. If he then goes back to the marriage, that is much more difficult to accept than if he moved on to yet another woman.

 

See now I would think if he moved on to another woman, it would be worse. It would be like the first OW wasn't good enough to leave for, but the next one was.

[jennie-jennie]

Yes, but how is that important to the OW? Why wouldn't the OW just be happy that she isn't part of the equation anymore?

 

I know, you would want them to be unhappy if you are unhappy. To each his own I guess.

 

Don't you get it? The wife is insignificant. I would want him to not be happy with his wife.

 

And probably as time passed, I wouldn't care anymore.

[silktricks]

If he then goes back to the marriage, that is much more difficult to accept than if he moved on to yet another woman.

 

Why?

 

Is it that you (general OW you, not you specifically, Jennie) then feel that he's lied to you?

[silktricks]

Again, seeing someone move on is much easier than seeing them go back.

 

I repeat, I would have wanted him to be happy. Period. Even had he gone back to his first wife.

[herenow]

Don't you get it? The wife is insignificant. I would want him to not be happy with his wife.

 

And probably as time passed, I wouldn't care anymore.

 

OK, so you want "HIM" to be unhappy because you are unhappy. Same thing. I'll just say, usually you get what you wish upon others.

[jennie-jennie]

See now I would think if he moved on to another woman, it would be worse. It would be like the first OW wasn't good enough to leave for, but the next one was.

 

Wait, what are you saying here? Worse for the wife? Or worse for the OW?

 

Moving on to a new life happens. That is part of life. There are no assurances how long a relationship will last. I have no problem with that.

 

Going back to the wife is going backwards.

 

Okay, I guess this has to be seen in the light of where I am at. If the extramarital relationship is over and done with, that is fine. But where I am at there is so much love between us, going back to the wife would be a betrayal of our love.

[herenow]

See now I would think if he moved on to another woman, it would be worse. It would be like the first OW wasn't good enough to leave for, but the next one was.

 

I just have to add, how horrible for the OW he didn't find good enough to leave his wife for. So very sad indeed.

[herenow]

Wait, what are you saying here? Worse for the wife? Or worse for the OW?

 

Moving on to a new life happens. That is part of life. There are no assurances how long a relationship will last. I have no problem with that.

 

Going back to the wife is going backwards.

 

Okay, I guess this has to be seen in the light of where I am at. If the extramarital relationship is over and done with, that is fine. But where I am at there is so much love between us, going back to the wife would be a betrayal of our love.

 

At least going back to the wife can be explained away by a clever MM. There is no explaining when he leaves his wife for a random woman over a current OW.