When MP blames A on OP

[Hazyhead]

I know there are many OW like you, Hazy. Should have mentioned that perhaps.

 

I do understand how you feel like that though Jennie. With time, if things didn't work out for you guys, your feelings might change.

[jennie-jennie]

Why?

 

Is it that you (general OW you, not you specifically, Jennie) then feel that he's lied to you?

 

No, not lied. Betrayed our love, unless his love for me has ended. Now you have to realize that we are in a several year long relationship. It is not like in the first year when you might realize that the woman you are having a relationship with was not all that and you go back to what you had.

 

It would be very strange indeed for him to fall out of love with me and into love with his wife again. After leaving every emotional connection between them behind him for years. To start a new relationship is one thing, but to go back to the old one. I don't think he can ever get over me. He can try, but she will never measure up again. There was a reason he moved on emotionally to me, there was something missing between them. Sure, if he wants to live his life without that.

[donnamaybe]

I think there is a big difference between moving on to another woman and going back to the wife. In the OW's eyes the MM has already moved on to her from the wife. If he then goes back to the marriage, that is much more difficult to accept than if he moved on to yet another woman.

But it shouldn't be difficult to accept, because in a case where there really ISN'T an awful M (and there must not be if the MM/MW wants to stay in it), the problem REALLY lies within the WS. It's not like there was something lacking in the OW/OM. It was something lacking in the WS that brought him to the point of cheating instead of introspectively examining his own thoughts and the issues that created them.

[OWoman]

OK, well I believe this thread is about what the MM tells the wife after d-day and he has decide to not leave. Am I wrong?

 

He has decided he can't leave at that point. That is different to deciding never to leave. Whether or not he manages to leave at a future point can only be known once the fat lady has sung.

 

If the OW was ever the priority, why would he tell his BW it was her (the OW) fault?

 

To save his hide. Same way the kid caught in the sweet jar lies his way out of it. Self-preservation.

[jennie-jennie]

I do understand how you feel like that though Jennie. With time, if things didn't work out for you guys, your feelings might change.

 

Oh certainly. Once I am over a guy, I wish him happiness. It is in the moment of raw pain like I described.

[jennie-jennie]

He has decided he can't leave at that point. That is different to deciding never to leave. Whether or not he manages to leave at a future point can only be known once the fat lady has sung.

 

To save his hide. Same way the kid caught in the sweet jar lies his way out of it. Self-preservation.

 

Exactly.

.

[jennie-jennie]

I repeat, I would have wanted him to be happy. Period. Even had he gone back to his first wife.

 

I presume you are talking about when you were an OW? You apparently were the same kind of OW as Hazy then. I am not.

[herenow]

No, not lied. Betrayed our love, unless his love for me has ended. Now you have to realize that we are in a several year long relationship. It is not like in the first year when you might realize that the woman you are having a relationship with was not all that and you go back to what you had.

 

It would be very strange indeed for him to fall out of love with me and into love with his wife again. After leaving every emotional connection between them behind him for years. To start a new relationship is one thing, but to go back to the old one. I don't think he can ever get over me. He can try, but she will never measure up again. There was a reason he moved on emotionally to me, there was something missing between them. Sure, if he wants to live his life without that.

 

You know, I though that there was never a way that I could feel any kind of "love" connection with my H after his affair. I was certain our marriage was over.

 

But, we built a new relationship and a new marriage. I don't ever want the marriage back the way it was. People do have a way of creating new relationships with the same people. Happens every day.

[herenow]

He has decided he can't leave at that point. That is different to deciding never to leave. Whether or not he manages to leave at a future point can only be known once the fat lady has sung.

 

 

 

To save his hide. Same way the kid caught in the sweet jar lies his way out of it. Self-preservation.

 

At the expense of the OW who he supposedly loves?

[donnamaybe]

Oh certainly. Once I am over a guy, I wish him happiness. It is in the moment of raw pain like I described.

In those highly charged, emotional moments it's best to take pause before reacting.

[jennie-jennie]

I presume you are talking about when you were an OW? You apparently were the same kind of OW as Hazy then. I am not.

 

Or was your husband married before? I think it depends on if the relationship is over by its own merits or not. Often when an affair ends it is not because the love between the two is gone, that is what causes the inability to let go and wish the other happiness. You feel he is leaving you for the wrong reasons.

[jennie-jennie]

I just have to add, how horrible for the OW he didn't find good enough to leave his wife for. So very sad indeed.

 

This statement shows an utter misunderstanding of why the MM is not leaving. Perhaps it is in fact the relationship with the first OW which made it possible for the MM to leave the second time around. Perhaps he has finally finished going through whichever process he needed to go through to leave the marriage.

[silktricks]

I presume you are talking about when you were an OW? You apparently were the same kind of OW as Hazy then. I am not.

 

No. When I was an OW, I was adamantly NOT interested in any kind of long-term relationship with the man. He was frankly, not up to my standards for a "real relationship". I was speaking of when my husband had an affair. I am not my husband's first wife, nor is he my first husband.

[jennie-jennie]

But it shouldn't be difficult to accept, because in a case where there really ISN'T an awful M (and there must not be if the MM/MW wants to stay in it), the problem REALLY lies within the WS. It's not like there was something lacking in the OW/OM. It was something lacking in the WS that brought him to the point of cheating instead of introspectively examining his own thoughts and the issues that created them.

 

There is truth in what you are saying here, Donna. And if our relationship led to my MM and his wife both going to IC and dealing with their split selves and thereby being able to have a happy marriage in the future, I would be happy for that and realize that I had helped bring them clarity in understanding what they needed to do to deal with their lives in a better way.

[donnamaybe]

This statement shows an utter misunderstanding of why the MM is not leaving.

But the only one who TRULY knows that is the MP. Maybe he/she doesn't leave because they really are just someone who wants variety and was willing to risk a M over it.

[silktricks]

OK. Back to the original posting, and the purpose of this thread.

 

I'm getting confused. I thought this was about what the MM tells his wife after D-Day, when he is actually trying to rebuild the marriage. This thread seems now to be talking about what he tells his wife when he is patently NOT trying to rebuild the marriage, but instead pacify her and continue the affair.

 

Those are really different things IMO.

 

In the former (trying to rebuild the marriage), one would assume that there is NC between the MM and OW. In that case, the opinion I stated still stands - I do not understand why the OW would care what was being said between the husband and wife. She should (IMO) be concerned with her life, and her happiness and moving forward.

 

In the latter (trying to pacify the wife so the affair can continue) - in that instance I can understand why the OW would be interested/concerned about what is being said. In that circumstance, if I (personally) were an OW in love with a MM and he was trying to pacify his wife so the affair could continue, and telling her that I meant nothing, while telling me I meant everything - that would not be a tolerable situation for me.

[jennie-jennie]

You know, I though that there was never a way that I could feel any kind of "love" connection with my H after his affair. I was certain our marriage was over.

 

But, we built a new relationship and a new marriage. I don't ever want the marriage back the way it was. People do have a way of creating new relationships with the same people. Happens every day.

 

I know. Remember I stayed with my first SO for 5 years and my second SO for 25 years. They both cheated on me. But realize, when they came back to me, they were over their OW. They were not in the middle of a relationship with the OW. They had ended the extramarital relationship of its own merits. Perhaps that was the case for your husband too?

[Owl]

He has decided he can't leave at that point. That is different to deciding never to leave. Whether or not he manages to leave at a future point can only be known once the fat lady has sung.

 

I'd say that I'd have to change the comment from "Whether or not he manages to leave..." to "chooses to leave".

 

He can "manage" to leave whenever he wants to. The bottom line is that he chooses not to leave at this point...you're right, he may choose to leave at a later date. Or....he may not.

 

It's all about what he CHOOSES to do...

 

To save his hide. Same way the kid caught in the sweet jar lies his way out of it. Self-preservation.

 

Nope. To save his relationship with his wife.

 

It's not like she's going to kill him if he doesn't 'blame the OW'. The only reason he's got to make the OW look bad is to keep his wife from ending the marriage. He's doing damage control to protect the marriage...to keep it from ending..

[jennie-jennie]

At the expense of the OW who he supposedly loves?

 

Knee-jerk reaction to save the marriage.

[jennie-jennie]

OK. Back to the original posting, and the purpose of this thread.

 

I'm getting confused. I thought this was about what the MM tells his wife after D-Day, when he is actually trying to rebuild the marriage. This thread seems now to be talking about what he tells his wife when he is patently NOT trying to rebuild the marriage, but instead pacify her and continue the affair.

 

Those are really different things IMO.

 

In the former (trying to rebuild the marriage), one would assume that there is NC between the MM and OW. In that case, the opinion I stated still stands - I do not understand why the OW would care what was being said between the husband and wife. She should (IMO) be concerned with her life, and her happiness and moving forward.

 

In the latter (trying to pacify the wife so the affair can continue) - in that instance I can understand why the OW would be interested/concerned about what is being said. In that circumstance, if I (personally) were an OW in love with a MM and he was trying to pacify his wife so the affair could continue, and telling her that I meant nothing, while telling me I meant everything - that would not be a tolerable situation for me.

 

And why? He has done nothing but lie to the wife before, so what does it matter to the OW what he says now?

 

There is a third alternative, which is what is interesting to the OW:

where the MM is trying to pacify the wife to continue the marriage.

 

This I believe is what upsets the OW. Pretending to do everything to rebuild the marriage, when in fact being dishonest to the wife. Don't use me as a lever for a dishonest marriage.

[herenow]

Knee-jerk reaction to save the marriage.

 

Why save the marriage if he loves the OW? It would seem a perfect time to leave. Certainly the easiest time to leave. Why go through all the abuse that us BW's supposedly put our H's through when he can just leave?

 

If a BW so pissed that she is going to "turn the kids against him", or take all the money, she is going to do it after a d-day anyway. Staying is much more work and effort than leaving. Unless, of course, he wants to stay.

 

In my experience, my "knee jerk reactions" are when I'm most true to myself.

Edited August 27, 2010 by herenow

[jennie-jennie]

Why save the marriage if he loves the OW? It would seem a perfect time to leave. Certainly the easiest time to leave. Why go through all the abuse that us BW's supposedly put our H's through when he can just leave?

 

If a BW so pissed that she is going to "turn the kids against him", or take all the money, she is going to do it after a d-day anyway. Staying is much more work and effort than leaving. Unless, of course, he wants to stay.

 

In my experience, my "knee jerk reactions" are when I'm most true to myself.

 

Again, you do not understand why a MM is staying. If he is not ready to leave, he will not be ready to leave just because there is a Dday.

 

My MM never badmouths his wife, so I can not respond to that part of your post.

[donnamaybe]

This I believe is what upsets the OW. Pretending to do everything to rebuild the marriage, when in fact being dishonest to the wife. Don't use me as a lever for a dishonest marriage.

Perhaps he's NOT being dishonest to the wife. Perhaps, when brought out into the cold light of day, the A now becomes crystal clear to the WS as NOT as important as his M.

[Owl]

Why save the marriage if he loves the OW? It would seem a perfect time to leave. Certainly the easiest time to leave. Why go through all the abuse that us BW's supposedly put our H's through when he can just leave?

 

If a BW so pissed that she is going to "turn the kids against him", or take all the money, she is going to do it after a d-day anyway. Staying is much more work and effort than leaving. Unless, of course, he wants to stay.

 

In my experience, my "knee jerk reactions" are when I'm most true to myself.

 

EXACTLY!!!

 

That's one of the things that I've noted that a lot of OW/OM struggle with. There seems to be this misconception that staying is "easier". That it's a copout in some fashion.

 

Trust me...recovering a marriage is hard, hard work. It's a years long process most of the time.

 

And IMO...staying WITHOUT recovery is WORSE.

[donnamaybe]

Again, you do not understand why a MM is staying.

And, again, the ONLY one who REALLY understands this is the MM himself.