Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Okay - fwiw this is my take on it - Wyld posted it to this board because she already knows what is going on - she is an OW (again) having an EA with a MM who just happens to have a dying wife to whom Wyld owes a legal duty of care. Wyld, aside from the legal aspects.......ask yourself how you would feel if it was YOU laying in that bed ? Do you think you would see nothing wrong with this Affair (beacuse that IS what it is) ? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I DON"T KEEP BRINGING UP SEX!?!? WTF!?!? Did you EVEN READ the op statement Wyld said the H has hot had sex in 5 yrs or any sort of physical contact! It's not ME who keeps bringing that up it's actually YOU who is adamant on seeing things that are not there. I was just making a connection to the idea that the man has been sexually and emotionally deprived for 5 yrs and he will prob continued to have to be for some time. Capiche? I still don't know what the fact that he hasn't had sex has to do with any of this and you have mention it n several of your posts. Please don't make me go back and quote you. I was just wondering why it keeps coming up if it isn't an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I still don't know what the fact that he hasn't had sex has to do with any of this and you have mention it n several of your posts. Please don't make me go back and quote you. I was just wondering why it keeps coming up if it isn't an issue. I just read back through this thread, and yes - she does bring up his W's inability to have sex many, many times and how the H is being deprived as a result and "how long should he have to wait?!" Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Wyld, you don't mention how long they have been married, or whether they have children Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Wyld, you don't mention how long they have been married, or whether they have children Good point, LF, I hope she comes back with those answers. I'm going to work now, but I'll be sure to check back later. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 she meant me not Wyld. she is saying I keep bringin up sex No. I was talking about the reference in Wyld's original post Link to post Share on other sites
SerenityX2 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I know and I think maybe, just maybe there's a tiny bit of info leftout by the OP, wyld.. It is possible that they haven't had sex yet, but chances are there's been cuddling, touching, kissing. I could be wrong though, I dunno. TC, I didn't know the woman but seeing that unfold was just awful. She was minding her own business, heading home and then whack - Her life is over so quickly. Only good thing is, she didn't suffer and she passed right away. I guess reading this thread bugs me because I'm sure this man would have LOVED to have one more minute, one more day with his wife and now he'll never have that.. Yet here we have a man who CAN spend that one minute and that one day with his wife and he's choosing to be with wyld and allow himself to fall for someone else while his wife is still alive. It's just plain sad.. ITA...and the total disregard for vows...they're called VOWS for crying out loud...not small promises...and yeah, sometimes the road is rough, but clearly "in sickness and in health" should mean something...as should "death do us part"... I really find it alarming that the H would push this...I'd would def be put off if I were Wyld by this disregard for his W. Regardless of the circumstances, that's why he made "vows". It's also why I think he is more or less clinging...it's not an emotionally healthy r'ship...but I know people want what they want when they want it...to hell with others...Whatever, their lives...their consequences. It's not martyrdom, I don't understand that jump to a conclusion...you make vows ...for better and for WORSE...we never know what that worse is...but you take that leap of faith. WWIU ...my best friend H's just had a massive stroke, he had to have brain surgery to remove the clot...he's the picture of health before this, always doing something active...only 44...He's lost left side function and may not regain it....SHE is just happy he's alive....looking forward to any progress he may have. He may also never regain sexual function, who knows, but she's happy that he survived, the doctor's said it was amazing that he did. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Wow.. I haven't read the whole thread.. just the first few pages.. and WOW again.. some people.. To the OP... I honestly feel that you are a great person.. and his W is lucky to have you around.. She might know it.. or maybe not.. but in her condition, I would bet that she would accept that her H has an A.. I know I would if I were unable to provide my H with what we signed for.. Sex or no sex doesn't really matter... (eventhough I have a hard time believing you never had sex, but I would not condemn you, I would in fact agree that it's part of the A)... To make it short I think you are a good person, and she is a lucky W to have so many caring people, H included, around her. Keep up the good work.. and to answer your question.. if I were you, I would stay with him.. there is not much HE can do about the situation, just be patient, one day you'll be together. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I know and I think maybe, just maybe there's a tiny bit of info leftout by the OP, wyld.. It is possible that they haven't had sex yet, but chances are there's been cuddling, touching, kissing. I could be wrong though, I dunno. TC, I didn't know the woman but seeing that unfold was just awful. She was minding her own business, heading home and then whack - Her life is over so quickly. Only good thing is, she didn't suffer and she passed right away. I guess reading this thread bugs me because I'm sure this man would have LOVED to have one more minute, one more day with his wife and now he'll never have that.. Yet here we have a man who CAN spend that one minute and that one day with his wife and he's choosing to be with wyld and allow himself to fall for someone else while his wife is still alive. It's just plain sad.. wow that is a horrible story, and to think you were there to witness that what a traumatic experience WWIU!! So sad, and yes life changes so quickly. I see what you are saying but the difference is that the man in your story lost his W who was there 100% and he lost her in an instant. The man in this situation of the OP has been losing his W for 5 yrs what is left of her really? 5 yrs is a long time to watch someone die and unless you know personally what that is like it is very easy to judge from the outside. I don't mean YOU YOU WWIU I mean everyone you. The way I see it is as long as the woman is getting the care she needs and nothing is being done to disrespect her in her face or to make her last days worse, I just don't see how we judge the two people who are ultimately taking care of her and making her last days a little less painful. I understand that from an ethical stand point people have a problem with this but form a more pragmatic point think of the man think of what he is going through, forget that you are a woman or that you would be the woman dying, put yourself in the man's shoes and picture being with a spouse that was dead to you for 5 yrs. A spouse who was not even a 1/3 of what you remembered a spouse that is just a shell of their previous selves. Think of how your life would change in those 5 yrs think of the HUGE sacrifice you would make. Don't you deserve to find some happiness after all that? This man found love now, it's not right it's not ideal but he does deseve to be loved back. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I still don't know what the fact that he hasn't had sex has to do with any of this and you have mention it n several of your posts. Please don't make me go back and quote you. I was just wondering why it keeps coming up if it isn't an issue. I keep bringing it up because the man has been sacrificing his own needs for his W's illness for 5 yrs. That's my point. And I think it is about time he feels love in return. when we marry sex and affection and the obvious shows of love are what we bargain for, when someone falls ill and they become a shell of who they were and can no longer provide us with that where does it leave our needs? COMPLETELY unattended for, that's where. Can you not see how this man could be vulnerable to feeling loved again given how much pain and personal sacrifice he has had to endure staying by the side of his practically vegitative W? It seems some of you are incapable of empathy. No one said kill the W off, give her what she needs but only a selfish person would demand that the man keep depriving himself of something as natural as it is to yern to feel loved again. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Here's my thought... I don't see an issue with the OP and the H getting together after her death. He (and she) DO DESERVE happiness after the wife passes on. But...its wrong to engage in that BEFORE she's gone. In her face or not...its still disrespectful, against his marital vows, against the ethics of the entire situation, etc... That's why they should break it off for now...she should remove herself from providing care for this specific patient...and see where things are AFTER this poor woman passes on and her H has grieved and dealt with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I'm FULLY capable of empathy. And empathizing with the DYING WIFE is a large part of what I'm doing here. I can empathize with the OP and the H too... But I think this situation is complicated only because people CHOOSE to MAKE it complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 wow that is a horrible story, and to think you were there to witness that what a traumatic experience WWIU!! So sad, and yes life changes so quickly. I see what you are saying but the difference is that the man in your story lost his W who was there 100% and he lost her in an instant. The man in this situation of the OP has been losing his W for 5 yrs what is left of her really? 5 yrs is a long time to watch someone die and unless you know personally what that is like it is very easy to judge from the outside. I don't mean YOU YOU WWIU I mean everyone you. The way I see it is as long as the woman is getting the care she needs and nothing is being done to disrespect her in her face or to make her last days worse, I just don't see how we judge the two people who are ultimately taking care of her and making her last days a little less painful. I understand that from an ethical stand point people have a problem with this but form a more pragmatic point think of the man think of what he is going through, forget that you are a woman or that you would be the woman dying, put yourself in the man's shoes and picture being with a spouse that was dead to you for 5 yrs. A spouse who was not even a 1/3 of what you remembered a spouse that is just a shell of their previous selves. Think of how your life would change in those 5 yrs think of the HUGE sacrifice you would make. Don't you deserve to find some happiness after all that? This man found love now, it's not right it's not ideal but he does deseve to be loved back. Excuse me, but as I've said before, the W is NOT in a coma............ no she cannot perform most bodily functions but if as Wyld says she "can mouth words" then she is certainly not "dead to him" - the part of her that makes her who she is still exists. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 It's soooo freaken easy to say.. 'don't engage BEFORE she dies' it's been 5 years for Pete's sake.. she can live for many more years.. is he going to live like a monk because she's sick... it's easy to tell others what to do.. when WE'RE not in that situation.. He could be a jerk and leave her.. but he's providing her with all the help she needs... he also has to take care of his own needs... So selfish from you people to think that he can go without sex for so many years.. geezzz... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 So selfish to think only of yourself and engage in an emotional affair with your wife's care provider while your wife is basically laying there waiting to die, too. Sorry Lizzie...not everyone focuses only on their OWN needs first. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 This isn't a case of a sexless M where one spouse is denying the other a physical relationship - GOD, what about LOVE ????????? Some of the posts on here are making me hurl, I swear Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 This isn't a case of a sexless M where one spouse is denying the other a physical relationship - GOD, what about LOVE ????????? Some of the posts on here are making me hurl, I swear Exactly! Very succinct and to the point, LF. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 To the OP... I honestly feel that you are a great person.. and his W is lucky to have you around.. How is she lucky to have a person who most likely wants her dead, as her caregiver?? The wife is in the way and you can bet that the OP is fantisizing about her death. Creepy, creepy, creepy! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 How is she lucky to have a person who most likely wants her dead, as her caregiver?? The wife is in the way and you can bet that the OP is fantisizing about her death. Creepy, creepy, creepy! Oh, now, I wouldn't go that far. She sound like a very empathetic person to me. Don't be so mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Now, I think that's a little far...I highly doubt she's fantasizing about the woman's death. I think she's caught in an emotinal hard place...she CARES about this woman...I've no doubt. Now she's caught where she cares about HIM...seperately from that. I've no doubt...she HURTS right now trying to sort through all of this...I mean really hurt. And stepping back is going to hurt too...but its the only way to let things work out for the best for ALL of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Excuse me, but as I've said before, the W is NOT in a coma............ no she cannot perform most bodily functions but if as Wyld says she "can mouth words" then she is certainly not "dead to him" - the part of her that makes her who she is still exists. No she is not in a coman but her whole body has given out on her except her mind is still there. She is in a body coma practically but is still able of mind but on the reverse. Actually it is the same thing as a coma because people who are in comas have been said to be conscious of what is going on around them as well so it is the same thing practically. And oh my god "the part that makes her who she is!?!?" his wife happens to be a quadriplegic lady, who can't breathe (she is ventilated), eat (tube fed), speak (she can mouth words). She has been in this condition for 5 years. Excuse me, but that is the reality of who she is now. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 And that makes it ok for her husband to fall in love with someone else? While she's still alive and stuck in this situation? I DON'T think she'd agree... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Let me requote some things that wyldflower said early on that goes to show this woman is much more than just a woman who not giving her H sex due to an illness: She has 24 hour care. there is a team of 7 of us that provide around the clock care. . Does that sound like someone who is still pretty much a wife to a man? How can you be when you need a team of 7 to take care of ou 24 hrs a day? C'mon people. She is not in a coma but might as well be. I know I sound like a cliched OW but he IS emotionally there for me. An d I for him. We have a very deep friendship, and it is just the weirdest scenario imaginable, because his wife and I are so close too. They have known she had approx 6 years after she first became sick and have been dealing with that grief ever since. He had lost hope ofr a future for himself and his children and says I have brought back the sunshine for him. He is a very level-headed and realistic man. When he says something he means it. I on the other hand am the one freaking out left, right and centre. My mind is just reeling at times with the intensity of it all. Exactly, he has "lost hope for a future" and pretty much did 6 yrs ago when they told him of her diagnosis. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 No she is not in a coman but her whole body has given out on her except her mind is still there. She is in a body coma practically but is still able of mind but on the reverse. Actually it is the same thing as a coma because people who are in comas have been said to be conscious of what is going on around them as well so it is the same thing practically. And oh my god "the part that makes her who she is!?!?" Excuse me, but that is the reality of who she is now. yes, her mind, her spirit, her essence, her soul - depending on what you believe - THAT is still there from what Wyld has posted........ you're the one that keeps saying she's a cabbage Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I'm wondering where the sense of empathy FOR THE WIFE is at right now? Link to post Share on other sites
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