His wife is a ventilated quadriplegic.

[Tomcat33]

:laugh:geisha yea I know you find this perfectly ok that the nurse caring for the dying woman is sleeping with her husband. Such an apt name too.

 

 

Speaking of apt names isn't it about time you gave us all a break from the repetitive diatribe and forgave yourself once and for all?

[whichwayisup]

You will be dumped when his wife dies and he is free … he will not see someone so unprofessional and unethical as a longterm partner.

 

Maybe that'll happen, maybe it won't. Time will tell. Maybe his feelings developed due to the situation and once his wife passes away he'll want to be alone to grieve and heal, and realize that what he felt was based on transference of feelings from his wife to wyld. Or possibly it'll work out and they'll have a happy life together.

[noforgiveness]

Don't let the "too far down on myself to offer others any word of benefit" get to you Wyldflower, really they are just a handful and no matter how hard we all wait they never change. All they know is criticism and angry hurtful comments that are really just directed at themselves, they hate themselves so much that they have to project on to others what they really want to say to themselves. It gets tiring of course but other than just see it for what it is and don't take it personally it is not about you it is about THEM and their self-hatred.

 

I think your story is unique, in fact not that long ago I saw a Chilean film called Radio Corazon and it is about a radio show that takes callers and and their love situations. The film is split in three different love situations, and one of the stories is about a man who's wife is terminally ill and he falls in love with the help, their live in nanny who they have known all their life. The woman who has been the right had to the W dying gets the blessing from her to please take care of her H after she passes. And you see the conflicting emotions this conjours up for all involved however the bottom line is that the W loves her H so much that she wants him to be happy when she passes and she knows that this woman will take care of him and their children.

 

That is what true love is about and what you are doing is very hard. A lot of emotions involved.

 

 

oh yes dear we all know you have to hate yourself to not approve of sleeping with your dying patients husband. Hmm or is it having more self respect for yourself and for others that you would never put yourself in a situation like this.

[sb129]

oh yes dear we all know you have to hate yourself to not approve of sleeping with your dying patients husband. Hmm or is it having more self respect for yourself and for others that you would never put yourself in a situation like this.

 

Oh for heavens sake, must you be so melodramatic?

 

She put herself there because its her line of work. She didn't know when she took the job that feelings may start between her and the H.

 

Do you suggest we all do jobs with members of our own sex only, to avoid putting ourselves in situations where we may have feelings for someone who may cross our paths while we are at work?

[noforgiveness]

You need to tell your nursing company to give you another case. Remove yourself from this situation. Tell them you are beginning to have feelings for the patients husband and remove yourself.

[Geishawhelk]

The sad fact of the matter is, this world is in a bit of a sh*t state... we can't open a paper or watch the tv without having negativity shoved down our thorats, be it the state of the economy, our troops in Iraq, the war on terrorism, knife crimes in London escalating and everything heading for a recession.

Comfort, love, kindness and companionship are human attributes founded in Compassion and equanimity. If we cannot find friendship and togetherness nowadays, with the stuff that surrounds us, it's a sorry world that turns something like this around and calls it 'wrong'.

[noforgiveness]

Oh for heavens sake, must you be so melodramatic?

 

She put herself there because its her line of work. She didn't know when she took the job that feelings may start between her and the H.

 

Do you suggest we all do jobs with members of our own sex only, to avoid putting ourselves in situations where we may have feelings for someone who may cross our paths while we are at work?

 

:laugh:the old cliche. I didn't mean to fall in love. You can't help who you fall in love with blah blah blah um yes you can. You are an adult and you can make adult decisions. Having a relationship with a dying patients husband is not an adult decision.

[noforgiveness]

The sad fact of the matter is, this world is in a bit of a sh*t state... we can't open a paper or watch the tv without having negativity shoved down our thorats, be it the state of the economy, our troops in Iraq, the war on terrorism, knife crimes in London escalating and everything heading for a recession.

Comfort, love, kindness and companionship are human attributes founded in Compassion and equanimity. If we cannot find friendship and togetherness nowadays, with the stuff that surrounds us, it's a sorry world that turns something like this around and calls it 'wrong'.

 

you honestly think there is nothing wrong with sleeping with your dying patients husband? That's sad and that kind of attitude is why the world is the way it is today. Everyone for themselves and to hell with anyone elses feelings.

[taylor]

wyldflower,

 

I believe you when you say you have a heartfelt bond with his poor wife.

 

I know several nurses in nursing homes who cry their eyes out when residents pass because they get so attached. It's just human nature to bond when you provide the kind of intense care that you do.

 

But I side with the posters who warn you to guard your heart and safeguard your profession.

 

This woman's husband is so vulnerable and needy now under the circumstances. After she passes, his life will look completely different to him. He won't be so needy or vulnerable. His whole perspective may change.

 

Also, I think the professional thing to do is take another assignment until she passes...kind of a conflict of interest situation. You can still provide him with support and friendship and keep your professional stature.

 

God Bless you for the work you do.

[Tomcat33]

You need to tell your nursing company to give you another case. Remove yourself from this situation. Tell them you are beginning to have feelings for the patients husband and remove yourself.

 

 

WHY in the world would you do that? She fell in love with the man and his W is dying. Can you accept their reality or is he supposed to become a monk recluse and deal with the pain of the loss of his friend, wife and lover all on his own and in some dark corner? They didn't kill this woman to be together, god is taking her away.

 

Unless you can truly empathise with ALL the people in the situation really all you are doing is spewing the same recorded message every time.

 

Mehhh whatev, you're entitled to your opinion and it seems to be the same cookie cutter opinion regardless of the sitatuation. When you are that one dimensional you become android-like so why even try to discuss something with a robot, it is programmed to have one track and one track only.

[sb129]

:laugh:the old cliche. I didn't mean to fall in love. You can't help who you fall in love with blah blah blah um yes you can. You are an adult and you can make adult decisions. Having a relationship with a dying patients husband is not an adult decision.

 

She isn't sleeping with him.

She isn't sleeping with him.

She isn't sleeping with him...

 

 

ooops gotta turn my robot response key off. NF- your bitterness is coming through in a very scary way.

 

 

Mehhh whatev, you're entitled to your opinion and it seems to be the same cookie cutter opinion regardless of the sitatuation. When you are that one dimensional you become android-like so why even try to discuss something with a robot, it is programmed to have one track and one track only.

 

LOL

[Owl]

WHY in the world would you do that?

 

To protect herself against anyone who attempts to accuse her of ANY kind of potential wrongdoing when this woman passes away.

 

That's really the biggest concern here...since she could POTENTIALLY (and I'm not saying she feels this way at all) have a vested interest in this woman passing on sooner rather than later...she leaves herself open to all kinds of potential issues given her involvement.

 

She should remove herself from this case to prevent that from happening.

[noforgiveness]

because it is cruel to be a caregiver for her lovers wife. CRUEL and takes away any shred of dignity she has left to have to watch them in her own home and yes if her dad figured it out then she is watching them. Sorry I don't have the attitude of eh she's going to die so what's the big deal.

 

I find it truly sick that so many of you condone this.

[whichwayisup]

Selfish? Possibly - But malcious? No. I don't see any malciousness or plans for them to off his wife so they can be together. They bonded, right or wrong, it happened for whatever reason. But, what they CAN do out of respect for his wife, their marriage, family, inlaws is, put the feelings and their closeness on hold until his wife does pass.

[noforgiveness]

She isn't sleeping with him.

She isn't sleeping with him.

She isn't sleeping with him...

 

 

ooops gotta turn my robot response key off. NF- your bitterness is coming through in a very scary way.

 

 

 

LOL

I don't believe that. In her very first post she says she is INVOLVED with and then she says they have a romantic relationship. She further says "My conundrum lies in deciding whether I should offer him only friendship now until she passes and the time eventually comes for us to be together, or to maintain what we have now."

 

so basically she is deciding to stop having sex with him until she dies. She backpedaled the sexual aspect after she saw how horrible it sounds to be sleeping with this man.

 

Umm yea we all know only bitter people would find it wrong to sleep with a dying patients husband.

 

Did you look on the infidelity section. There is a case right now being discusses of a caregiver being sued for her relationship.

[Geishawhelk]

you honestly think there is nothing wrong with sleeping with your dying patients husband? That's sad and that kind of attitude is why the world is the way it is today. Everyone for themselves and to hell with anyone elses feelings.

Twist it any way you like, NF. If you're not part of the solution, (loving Kindness and Compassion) you're part of the problem...

 

Anyways, You're wasting my breath, so let others chew it over with you.

I'm done giving you my time.

[LakesideDream]

The sad fact of the matter is, this world is in a bit of a sh*t state... we can't open a paper or watch the tv without having negativity shoved down our thorats, be it the state of the economy, our troops in Iraq, the war on terrorism, knife crimes in London escalating and everything heading for a recession.

Comfort, love, kindness and companionship are human attributes founded in Compassion and equanimity. If we cannot find friendship and togetherness nowadays, with the stuff that surrounds us, it's a sorry world that turns something like this around and calls it 'wrong'.

 

 

Geisha, There is much truth in what you write. Few of us here at LS are able to live happily in isolation, ignoring the chaos occuring all around us, chaos that we have no control of whatsoever.

 

One of the great values in a long term, loving relationship is the small level of isolation a relationship like that provides in our daily life.

 

In this case I don't fault the original poster. The only fault I can find in this thread is the uncomprehensible intolerance of some of the posters. It's possible that some of the intolerant, and unhappy posters have been damaged so badly from previous relationships that they are no longer able to show empathy. Without empathy it will be very difficult for the to move from the pain they are in toward something better.

 

The OP is in a very difficult situation. Ideally everything will be allowed to take it's natural course and she will have the chance to have the happiness she (and we all) seek. No one will be hurt. That's my hope for this situation.

[luvmy2ns]

wyldflower,

 

I believe you when you say you have a heartfelt bond with his poor wife.

 

I know several nurses in nursing homes who cry their eyes out when residents pass because they get so attached. It's just human nature to bond when you provide the kind of intense care that you do.

 

But I side with the posters who warn you to guard your heart and safeguard your profession.

 

This woman's husband is so vulnerable and needy now under the circumstances. After she passes, his life will look completely different to him. He won't be so needy or vulnerable. His whole perspective may change.

 

Also, I think the professional thing to do is take another assignment until she passes...kind of a conflict of interest situation. You can still provide him with support and friendship and keep your professional stature.

 

God Bless you for the work you do.

 

Taylor is saying the same thing as NF, but maybe in a gentler way. And no one is jumping all over this poster. It would be the professional - and safe - thing to do.

[luvmy2ns]

:sick:

 

OMG I can not even imagine.

 

This poor woman has to watch you two do googly eyes at each other all day.

 

I sincerely hope you get found out and get fired.

 

I'm sorry for the childhood you must have endured. It must have been awful and really screwed you up to make you think anything about this is ok.

 

Enjoy your deathwatch. Oh and karma is a bitch. Good luck with that.

 

Oooo. Just read this. Now I understand the nasty snipes.

 

But I do agree that the W probably does sense what is happening, and that cannot be a good thing for a dying woman to have to know about.

[Tomcat33]

To protect herself against anyone who attempts to accuse her of ANY kind of potential wrongdoing when this woman passes away.

 

That's really the biggest concern here...since she could POTENTIALLY (and I'm not saying she feels this way at all) have a vested interest in this woman passing on sooner rather than later...she leaves herself open to all kinds of potential issues given her involvement.

 

Well yes that I would agree with, she should be careful of that kind of stuff.

 

Any moral puritans piping in to cast their moral chastisings are really out of line though, I think. This is a personl MORAL choice. The woman is dying she is leaving this world the man is suffering is in pain is having a more than likely terrible time coping with the transition and is also abandoned in terms of losing a partner, both sexually and emotionally. He has found someone who is caring for him in a time where his care is going to the woman who is ill. I insisit it is a personal choice.

 

 

because it is cruel to be a caregiver for her lovers wife. CRUEL and takes away any shred of dignity she has left to have to watch them in her own home and yes if her dad figured it out then she is watching them. Sorry I don't have the attitude of eh she's going to die so what's the big deal.

 

 

You make it sound like the two of them are having sex in the same room with the W watching the whole thing go down.

These are your own feelings of uneasiness but in terms of what they are doing the W doens't even know, and she IS going to die so why pevent this man from finding love again? How selfish can a person be?

 

I don't believe that. In her very first post she says she is INVOLVED with and then she says they have a romantic relationship. She further says "My conundrum lies in deciding whether I should offer him only friendship now until she passes and the time eventually comes for us to be together, or to maintain what we have now."

 

so basically she is deciding to stop having sex with him until she dies. She backpedaled the sexual aspect after she saw how horrible it sounds to be sleeping with this man.

 

She prob "backpeddled" because she is suffering enough as it is with her own feelings of being judged and guilt that she doesn't need strangers coming down on her too.

 

Umm yea we all know only bitter people would find it wrong to sleep with a dying patients husband.

 

 

Again it is a personal moral choice, me personally if I became paralized from the waist down and was dying I would never deprive my husband from finding sexual happiness again. What kind of a selfish person castrates their partner and expects them to also lose their sexuality and emotion because they are dying. I couldn't do that to a man I loved.

I wouldn't want to punish him for my misfortune. I understand it is until death do you part but C'MON!

 

Would you expect your H sit by your side if you were paralized and you were NOT dying but could never have sex again, would you deprive your H of having sex with anoyone else ever again? Again it is personal choice and if that works between you and your partner the more power to you, I find that extremely selfish, I could not do that to a man I love but to each their own....

[Tomcat33]

But I do agree that the W probably does sense what is happening, and that cannot be a good thing for a dying woman to have to know about.

 

 

Well not necessarily some people are more humble than that, they are not so selfrighteous that they would unrealistically expect their mates to stop their life for them while they watch them die. So what if she is in this state for 8 yrs the man is supposed to become a monk for 8 yrs?

 

That is totally unrealistic and selfish to expect that of a partner.

[Tomcat33]

Taylor is saying the same thing as NF, but maybe in a gentler way. And no one is jumping all over this poster. It would be the professional - and safe - thing to do.

 

 

Then NF should obviously take pointers from Taylor. Problem solved.

[Owl]

T/J with a quick question:

 

Again it is a personal moral choice, me personally if I became paralized from the waist down and was dying I would never deprive my husband from finding sexual happiness again. What kind of a selfish person castrates their partner and expects them to also lose their sexuality and emotion because they are dying. I couldn't do that to a man I loved.

 

What if you weren't dying...or if your death was a year away?

 

Would you expect/ask him to wait until you were gone before seeking out someone else? Would you be comfortable in knowing who he was with, and what they were doing together?

 

Not faulting you here...I just don't agree completly that this is a moral choice only...because the RESULTS of this moral choice impact more than just the OP and her MM...it directly impacts the last days on this Earth that his dying wife will have as well.

 

And I'm by no means bashing anyone here...simply pointing out that the woman isn't dead YET, and that while she's still alive, she's still capable of feeling and suffering from the emotional agony of seeing her H falling in love with someone else before she's even gone yet.

 

This isn't a moral choice...it has direct impacts on her final days.

[noforgiveness]

In this case I don't fault the original poster. The only fault I can find in this thread is the uncomprehensible intolerance of some of the posters. It's possible that some of the intolerant, and unhappy posters have been damaged so badly from previous relationships that they are no longer able to show empathy. Without empathy it will be very difficult for the to move from the pain they are in toward something better.

 

oh please are you really saying you have to be an emotionally damaged person to find sleeping with your dying patients husband wrong?? Not only is wrong morally but it is totally UNPROFESSIONAL and UNETHICAL.

[Tomcat33]

T/J with a quick question:

What if you weren't dying...or if your death was a year away? Would you expect/ask him to wait until you were gone before seeking out someone else? Would you be comfortable in knowing who he was with, and what they were doing together?

 

What are you god that you have exact dates and times? No. So let's not use examples as if we were playing god. My answer stays the same provided I am paralized and can no longer function as a sexual being my answer stays the same, one year two years, 2 months.

 

 

 

Not faulting you here...I just don't agree completly that this is a moral choice only...because the RESULTS of this moral choice impact more than just the OP and her MM...it directly impacts the last days on this Earth that his dying wife will have as well.

 

Fault me?!?!? It would be my life so you can't fault me for making my own choice. No need for that premable OWL.

 

Again you are making sound like the H and this woman are in the room fkcing infront of the ill woman. It's your own insecurities speaking as I am sure they are being respectful NOT to do anything to inconvenience the dying woman.

 

 

This isn't a moral choice...it has direct impacts on her final days.

 

See above, it's a moral choice.