His wife is a ventilated quadriplegic.

[herenow]

She has 24 hour care. there is a team of 7 of us that provide around the clock care.

I, too have thought about the repercussions should she pass on my shift. I even put my concerns to him. He is a police officer and he didn't seem to think that sort of question would ever be raised, considering the level of care I give to her (I am the team leader). Still, it seems like a legitimate worry to me.

 

and how does he feel about the other 6 people that are caring for his wife while you aren't? Are you sure he isn't just looking for comfort everywhere? Or, are you there while you are off work?

 

If you are there while other caregivers are around, don't you think his wife is aware enough to know that something is up?

[whichwayisup]

I have a question for Wyldflower..

 

How would you feel if you overheard him telling his wife, "I love you, you're the love of my life. My life won't be the same without you..." Stuff like that. Would you feel hurt, jealous, insecure, wishing he was saying I love you to you? You are attached and because of that your heart is in this, and emotions take over, reality gets blurred..

 

And, what if he changed his mind, realized how he was going about this was wrong, and he chose to end it with you, remove you from being her caregiver and told you he'd call you in the future when the timing was better. How would you feel? Hurt, angry, betrayed? Would you react with care and understanding or would you do your best to try to hang onto him, or hang onto your job as his wife's caregiver?

 

This situation is dangerous legally and it IS something you both need to think about. It just takes one pissed off family member to call the authorities and boom! Next thing you know you're in the newspaper and a lawsuit is put against you and the company you work for.

[Lookingforward]

As long as Wyld is employed as a caregiver to the W she has a duty of care, both morally, AND legally to the W.

 

This is why I say it would be best if she removed herself from a professional role in this situation.

[whichwayisup]

Ok that's a good reason. But do we KNOW this or are we speculating?

Again is this our ethical voice of a preconcieved notion speaking or do we know this for a fact?

 

Everyone assumes abit, and speculates all the time in this forum, so this situation isn't any different.

 

Obviously he does spend time with her, I will go back and look this up, but Im pretty sure it was mentioned that they DO spend one on one time together while the other caregivers are with his wife.

[SerenityX2]

Even if you don't feel that people can decide who they "fall in love with" or not...you have to admit...they CAN control what they DO about it.

 

The choice to pursue the relationship or not still remains something under conscious control.

 

Thank you Owl

 

That's exactly what I meant. From the get go you choose whether you are open to it or not. I guess it's the whole concept that one can be bombarded with a rush of "love" feelings in the first 60 secs. and therefore can't do anything about it. However if if that's true, and yes, I do believe in love at first sight or even before, but that's derailing...you still have the choice whether to act on it or not.

 

I understand some people feel that they can't help who they fall in love with...but the follow thru is what matters. Or if boundaries were in place to begin with....nevermind:D

 

However the point was what's wrong with them falling in love and from a professional standpoint, pretty much everything.

 

What's so wrong with her taking a step out of this then after a year or so see if the feelings are there to build on? He isn't close to being emotionally available with a new person, unless he "checked out" awhile ago and if that's the case she needs to look at how that would impact a future, with someone that doesn't heal rather clings to people. Death is a huge bonding factor, no doubt...not always a healthy one.

 

So I guess what is in part being debated is if there's a degree of "in sickness and in health" that one honors their vows. Wow...just wow.

[quankanne]

yes, and I think OP understands this and is looking for a bit of support and encouragement from her cyber-pals to do the right thing by putting on the way back burner any thought or suggestion of a romance with the husband. SHE knows it's not right or needed at this point; she understands that innocent people will be hurt; she's being pressured by the husband to get involved and WE need to be her voice of sanity. Not pointing fingers or telling her crap I'm sure she already knows!

[Tomcat33]

It is supposed to be "until DEATH do us part" not "until I know you're dying anyway, so I will start loving someone else before you do die, so I won't have to be alone when you do" - sorry to be harsh , but this woman is not in a coma, she is AWARE.......

 

 

Yes she is not in a coman but has anyone read this?

 

his wife happens to be a quadriplegic lady, who can't breathe (she is ventilated), eat (tube fed), speak (she can mouth words). She has been in this condition for 5 years. They do not have a sexual or physical relationship in any way whatsoever.

 

she is incapable of having any form of physical sexual relationship whatsoever for 5 YEARS!! And she is dying now. How much longer should this man wait?

[herenow]

I think some of you posters have jumped into the deep end of fantasy, because from what the OP has written, the relationship is not a physical one between her and the husband of the woman she's caring for, but an emotional one. And her main concern is that her deepening attraction for him might lead her in a direction she's not ready to head, because she is committed to caring for her patient/his wife.

 

so stop all the self-induced drama from reading waaaayyyyyy too much into this post, quit bashing OP and instead offer what she needs right now: Encouragement from wandering into a near occasion of sin!

 

sheesh ... mods ought to rename this 'A modern-day tale of Chicken Little,' what with all the misguided fussing going on ...

 

No I don't think so. How can her main concern be "that her deepening attraction for him might lead her in a direction she's not ready to head, because she is committed to caring for her patient/his wife", when she has said (in her original post) that they plan to spend their future together? Seems to me it's a done deal.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I wonder - While wyld is looking after his wife, he is around...Yet when the other caregivers are looking after her, he more than likely is NOT around and is with wyld. Bonding, connecting and stuff. THAT is the part I don't like and this valuable time he has with his wife is being spent with another woman.

 

Life IS short. My god, on Monday I sadly and unfortunately witnessed a car accident where a woman was hit by a car speeding through red light and she died. She left behind a husband, no children, but they were eachothers' lives. Bestfriends, lovers and companions.

 

I DO hope this man is OK with what he is doing and is thinking properly because one day his choices NOW could affect him in a not so good way in the future. He COULD regret spending time with another woman instead of his own wife...And he'll never ever get that time back.

[Lookingforward]

Yes she is not in a coman but has anyone read this?

 

 

 

she is incapable of having any form of physical sexual relationship whatsoever for 5 YEARS!! And she is dying now. How much longer should this man wait?

 

 

until she actually DIES maybe ? That IS what the vows say, right ?

[herenow]

Yes she is not in a coman but has anyone read this?

 

 

 

she is incapable of having any form of physical sexual relationship whatsoever for 5 YEARS!! And she is dying now. How much longer should this man wait?

 

I'm confused, I thought they weren't having sex and this was just an emotional thing.

[Tomcat33]

Thank you Owl

 

That's exactly what I meant. From the get go you choose whether you are open to it or not. I guess it's the whole concept that one can be bombarded with a rush of "love" feelings in the first 60 secs. and therefore can't do anything about it. However if if that's true, and yes, I do believe in love at first sight or even before, but that's derailing...you still have the choice whether to act on it or not.

 

I understand some people feel that they can't help who they fall in love with...but the follow thru is what matters. Or if boundaries were in place to begin with....nevermind:D

 

However the point was what's wrong with them falling in love and from a professional standpoint, pretty much everything.

 

What's so wrong with her taking a step out of this then after a year or so see if the feelings are there to build on? He isn't close to being emotionally available with a new person, unless he "checked out" awhile ago and if that's the case she needs to look at how that would impact a future, with someone that doesn't heal rather clings to people. Death is a huge bonding factor, no doubt...not always a healthy one.

 

So I guess what is in part being debated is if there's a degree of "in sickness and in health" that one honors their vows. Wow...just wow.

 

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her taking a step back but he might just need her now more than ever. If they love each other why would she adandon this man now in a time of need?

 

I don't see this as a sexual fling like some are so quick to insinuate. I am seeing this as a woman genuinely supporting a man emtionally and yes maybe even affectionately out of the love she has developed for him. How is this wrong?

[Lookingforward]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her taking a step back but he might just need her now more than ever. If they love each other why would she adandon this man now in a time of need?

 

I don't see this as a sexual fling like some are so quick to insinuate. I am seeing this as a woman genuinely supporting a man emtionally and yes maybe even affectionately out of the love she has developed for him. How is this wrong?

 

In other words, an EA

[whichwayisup]

I'm confused, I thought they weren't having sex and this was just an emotional thing.

 

She's talking about his wife, not wyld.

[luvmy2ns]

I'm confused, I thought they weren't having sex and this was just an emotional thing.

 

Yeah. Wait for what? He has no friends or family for support in his time of need?

[whichwayisup]

woman genuinely supporting a man emtionally and yes maybe even affectionately out of the love she has developed for him. How is this wrong?

 

This is like a Dr getting involved with his patient. It's ethically wrong and THAT is why they are keeping this quiet because if her company, her employers found out, she WOULD be fired. She knows this.

[herenow]

There is always talk about blaming the H in these cases. Let's take a look at the type of man who forms a romantic relationship with the nurse who is supposed to be caring for his dying wife. It would almost be more understandable if they were just having sex (even though I still think that would be wrong) because it could be said that he is filling his personal selfish needs. But, to plan to spend his future with someone while his wife is dying, that's just horrible. Why would anyone want to be with this man in the first place?

[Tomcat33]

until she actually DIES maybe ? That IS what the vows say, right ?

 

Yes but some people don't adhere to this idea of well my spouse is out of commision for the rest of our days therefore I am out of commission too. It's not fair.

 

 

 

I'm confused, I thought they weren't having sex and this was just an emotional thing.

 

I don't know if they are or are not stop trying to twist what I am saying, what is true here is that THE MAN has not had a sexual relationship with his W or ANY form of physical relationship with his W and this could go on potentially for a lot longer (until she dies) and so if he is not getting any form of physical affection emotionally he is completely deprived. That's irrelevant to whether the OP and him are or are not having sex HE is sexually and therefore emotioanlly deprived due to his W's condition.

 

 

WWIU oh my god that was a horrible story, did you know the woman and family?

[Tomcat33]

She's talking about his wife, not wyld.

 

Exactly, thanks for getting it.

[herenow]

She's talking about his wife, not wyld.

 

I know, but she keeps bringing up sex and I didn't think sex was part of the issue. I thought that wyld was only emotionally involved.

[Lookingforward]

I know, but she keeps bringing up sex and I didn't think sex was part of the issue. I thought that wyld was only emotionally involved.

 

I guess you COULD wonder why if it's only emotional at this point Wyld bothered to bring up that aspect............

[Tomcat33]

I know, but she keeps bringing up sex and I didn't think sex was part of the issue. I thought that wyld was only emotionally involved.

 

 

I DON"T KEEP BRINGING UP SEX!?!? WTF!?!?

 

Did you EVEN READ the op statement Wyld said the H has hot had sex in 5 yrs or any sort of physical contact! It's not ME who keeps bringing that up it's actually YOU who is adamant on seeing things that are not there.

 

 

I was just making a connection to the idea that the man has been sexually and emotionally deprived for 5 yrs and he will prob continued to have to be for some time. Capiche?

[Tomcat33]

I guess you COULD wonder why if it's only emotional at this point Wyld bothered to bring up that aspect............

 

 

she meant me not Wyld. she is saying I keep bringin up sex

[whichwayisup]

I know and I think maybe, just maybe there's a tiny bit of info leftout by the OP, wyld.. It is possible that they haven't had sex yet, but chances are there's been cuddling, touching, kissing. I could be wrong though, I dunno.

 

TC, I didn't know the woman but seeing that unfold was just awful. She was minding her own business, heading home and then whack - Her life is over so quickly. Only good thing is, she didn't suffer and she passed right away.

 

I guess reading this thread bugs me because I'm sure this man would have LOVED to have one more minute, one more day with his wife and now he'll never have that.. Yet here we have a man who CAN spend that one minute and that one day with his wife and he's choosing to be with wyld and allow himself to fall for someone else while his wife is still alive. It's just plain sad..

[Owl]

Cool...so everyone drops that part of the situation, as its irrelevent. Good.

 

That doesn't change the baseline situation...

 

...and pursuing this right now is wrong on two fronts. Ethically, as it creates a potential "conflict of interest" and could result in HUGE legal aspects if Wyld remains as her caregiver. And morally, as he's tending his DYING wife right now, and this emotional affair is going between the two people who are supposed to be there to support HER during this time...not falling in love with each other.