His wife is a ventilated quadriplegic.

[whichwayisup]

IF I were in wyld's shoes I would quit my job and walk away. That is, IF I loved the guy and felt we had a future.

 

SHE has a choice here, and if she chooses to stay, she's putting herself in a situation that WILL bite her badly one day.

 

Change your filters for just a minute. Compare the pain her to the actions of all the walk away wives and husbands in the world who leave their spouses because they "can't live like this" anymore, or because they have discovered they "needed space".

 

It still comes down to, wyld is the caregiver and she is having an EA, building a relationship, making future plans with the patients husband. She even said in an earlier reply to me that it WOULD upset her and make her hurt, feel jealous if she overheard him speaking to his wife, telling her that he loved her.

 

It's a sad situation, people are hurting, his wife is dying, he's in pain - He's vunerable and needy - Wyld is in a position of power being the caregiver to his wife and the problem is, it's going to get in the way eventually, if not now, later.

[noforgiveness]

Well said.. we are human.. this guy is human and probably devastated when he "lost' his W... I am sorry but it is easy for people 'in good health' who don't have to care for their partner like this man has to.. to say that he's a jerk.. etc... very easy for all the 'Holier than Thou' who has never been in a situation like that to condemn these people.. makes me want to puke... really...

 

I find this situation very sad for all the people involved..

 

I don't think anyone called her husband a jerk. I think most people are all in agreement that this is extremely unethical and she does not belong in the position of changing diapers of the woman whose husband she is romantasising about.

[Art_Critic]

I think this is the part that so many are missing. Certain jobs, nursing, police work, teaching, etc., have an ethical code. These are there because the people in these jobs are responsible for the safety and well bieng of the people they take care. They have the power to truely harm the people they are supposed to be helping and caring for (children, the sick, the mentally disabled), if they become involved with them in an unprofessional mannor. I don't understand why so many people have trouble understanding this.

 

I'm not sure what she is doing is against any nursing ethics code.

 

Most of the code revolves around quality of life and care..

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nursing_ethics

I had googled more than this but most of the links were not postable

 

What is happening would most likely raise the eyes brows of the hospital chief of staff but to what extent I don't know..

It doesn't seem to be a clear nursing ethics violation to me...

[whichwayisup]

Don't quote me here, I can go back and double check, but I'm pretty sure that wyld knows that if her employers (not coworkers) found out, she could lose her job, so I'm pretty sure whatever healthcare she works out of, has policy's.

[Tomcat33]

OK, I give up. I will discontinue reading or commenting on this thread. Suits are filed all the time for no reasons at all. When we begin filing lawsuits against caregivers, in a situation like this, for falling in love we have gone completely INSANE as a society.

 

I will say my prayers for these unfortunate people. The poor soul with the fatal illness, and her husband and caregiver. I will pray that they have the stregnth to withstand their pain.

 

I will not judge either the Loyal caring husband, or the caregiver who works everyday to make the life of the patient less miserable.

 

Change your filters for just a minute. Compare the pain her to the actions of all the walk away wives and husbands in the world who leave their spouses because they "can't live like this" anymore, or because they have discovered they "needed space".

 

These people all are Hero's. It's unbelievable that some here would rather her husband had "kicked her to the curb" five years ago, or that the Caregiver should stop providing the loving care she has for the past five years. Those opinions are well beyond my ability to comprehend.

 

 

Couldn't agree with this more.

 

The fact some can't comprehend the positions of all involved is really insane. Trauma like this usually forces people to get closer together and in this case it produced love. I said it once and I will say it again no matter how many nasty adjectives are thrown my way, this is not about someone getting their cheap thrills it is about two people doing what they can to make this woman's last days as good as possible, what the H and the caregiver feel along the way is FOR THEM to feel and no one can take that away from them no matter how much morality you choose to bathe the situation in, these are people that are giving up their quality of life to care for someone that is dying and anyone with a right mind would think it is natural that those performing this task would find a sort of afinity along the way.

There have been absolutely not claims of this love connection infringing on the quality of care for this woman so why anyone would be so quick to stand against that can only be boiled down to sheer selfishness.

 

It's a no win situation really. People want that hollywood ending and anythign that deviates from that is shunned upon.

 

You really do have to be in the shoes of all involved, if we can put the BS hat down to rest for one second maybe some empathy can be had to at least if not to ACCEPT this situation to at least UNDERSTAND it.

 

Wyldflower came here for some support and instead she has been shunned left and right by "some".

 

If they are doing everything in their power to make this woman feel at east in her last days and protect her dignity there I see nothing wrong with what is happening.

[Art_Critic]

Don't quote me here, I can go back and double check, but I'm pretty sure that wyld knows that if her employers (not coworkers) found out, she could lose her job, so I'm pretty sure whatever healthcare she works out of, has policy's.

 

Could be...

 

Also..

If she is an RN she may have to carry malpractice insurance..

Malpractice insurance is gold in the medical industry, and very expensive.. if she is doing something that could affect her malpractice insurance she may very well hurt her ability to get future coverage..

 

I'm not knowledgeable in this area other than I know it exists as my Mom has it..

[whichwayisup]

Trauma like this usually forces people to get closer together and in this case it produced love.

 

I agree, but if this is true love and she wants a relationship with this man, then she needs to step away from being his wife's caregiver. That is what I've been saying all along. There are 6 other caregivers to help, possibly 7th to replace wyld if she does choose to quit.

 

They both have choices on how to handle this. He can see her all he wants outside of the house once she stops being his wife's caregiver. That's the part I have trouble with as well as many others.

[noforgiveness]

wyld came here knowing what she was doing was wrong. She came here for advice as to whether to cool her relationship for now. She came here knowing she should not remain as this woman's caregiver. Many people agreed with that assessment and gave her the advice she already knew she had to do.

 

Only a select few applauded her relationship and her choices and those people are not looking out for wylds best interest but are just trying to push forward their ow agenda.

[whichwayisup]

if we can put the BS hat

 

This has nothing to do with anyone being a BS. Or an OW.

[whichwayisup]

wyld came here knowing what she was doing was wrong. She came here for advice as to whether to cool her relationship for now. She came here knowing she should not remain as this woman's caregiver. Many people agreed with that assessment and gave her the advice she already knew she had to do.

Yes, she did come here knowing that this situation has the potiental to blow up in her face one day and it seems she well aware that she may have to walk away from being the caregiver if she wants a relationship with the husband.

[Tomcat33]

I agree, but if this is true love and she wants a relationship with this man, then she needs to step away from being his wife's caregiver. That is what I've been saying all along. There are 6 other caregivers to help, possibly 7th to replace wyld if she does choose to quit.

 

They both have choices on how to handle this. He can see her all he wants outside of the house once she stops being his wife's caregiver. That's the part I have trouble with as well as many others.

 

 

Well that is for them to decide, out love people also support the ones that they love in a time of extreme pain or need. What he does not want her to turn her back on him? What if he really needs her as well?

I don't think they are off sleeping in motels and doing the dating circle around town while others are there taking care of this woman, they are very hands on an totally involved in this woman's care, again if they were off doing the "affair" thing washing their hands of the whole scenarion THAT would be a different story. I don't get the impression that is what is happening here.

[Tomcat33]

wyld came here knowing what she was doing was wrong. She came here for advice as to whether to cool her relationship for now. She came here knowing she should not remain as this woman's caregiver. Many people agreed with that assessment and gave her the advice she already knew she had to do.

 

Only a select few applauded her relationship and her choices and those people are not looking out for wylds best interest but are just trying to push forward their ow agenda.

 

 

She came here looking for some semblence of understanding it is really amazing that the only ones that really do support and understand this are the other caregivers that also happen to be completely immersed in this situation and who also can understand the complexity and the FEELINGS of all involved.

They are 100% in tune with the situation.

 

Anyone looking from the outside in is pretty much quick to judge, the "H is a selfish jerk" and "Wyld is another selfish jerk" that is all people WANT to see because that is their own fears speaking NOT empathy FEARS.

[LakesideDream]

It still comes down to, wyld is the caregiver and she is having an EA, building a relationship, making future plans with the patients husband.

 

 

WWIU, Enlarge your world view. Beyond LoveShack and the Dr. Phil Show most people in this world don't even accept the concept of "emotional affairs".

 

I've been here on LS over two years... I still have problems with the subject. I for one would be more comfortable with "emotional relationship", or "non sexual relationship" than the term EA.

 

Putting the word "affair" behind the word emotional completely changes the context. Emotions are something we hopefully all have. Emotions by definition are something we feel, not something we "control". Actions are what we can control.

 

The Caregiver and the Husband have been forced together by the grim reality of the Wife's situation. They did not choose to be in constant contact 8 hours a day. They did not choose to form an emotional bond, a bond centered first on the wife's wellfare, later centered on both the Wife's wellfare and as a haven from all the pain and disparity going on around them.

 

I would be amazed if two people working so closely, on such a heart wrenching task didn't form a strong emotional bond. That bond has not become physical, I see great restraint, and respect in that.

 

None of us control our emotions. Hopefully some of us control our actions.

[noforgiveness]

no one called wyld or the husband names. As a matter of fact the only one spouting off that someone was selfish was you.

[whichwayisup]

She can be the OW or be the caregiver to his wife. She cannot be both and I think she knows this. She's already said that she may have to walk away from the job.

 

I can understand his needs, he has a wife who is disabled and unable to be there for him. He loves her, but they aren't husband and wife in the sense of how they used to be.

 

Problem now that has risen up and wyld even said so herself, she wouldn't be able to handle overhearing or knowing that he had a loving and private conversation with his wife. She's too involved and can't be objective anymore when it comes to giving her patient 100%.

 

If I were the child (child and I don't mean in age) in this situation and I found out my father was doing this to my mother with the caregiver, (sorry wyld, I like you and this isn't a personal attack upon you at all, so please don't take this personally or out of context, this is about just the general situation itself) I would NOT be happy about it and definately would tell my dad to get rid of the caregiver. I wouldn't be able to trust her judgement, or trust that she'd be giving my mom absolute 100% good care.

[Lizzie60]

WWIU, Enlarge your world view. Beyond LoveShack and the Dr. Phil Show most people in this world don't even accept the concept of "emotional affairs".

 

I've been here on LS over two years... I still have problems with the subject. I for one would be more comfortable with "emotional relationship", or "non sexual relationship" than the term EA.

 

Putting the word "affair" behind the word emotional completely changes the context. Emotions are something we hopefully all have. Emotions by definition are something we feel, not something we "control". Actions are what we can control.

 

The Caregiver and the Husband have been forced together by the grim reality of the Wife's situation. They did not choose to be in constant contact 8 hours a day. They did not choose to form an emotional bond, a bond centered first on the wife's wellfare, later centered on both the Wife's wellfare and as a haven from all the pain and disparity going on around them.

 

I would be amazed if two people working so closely, on such a heart wrenching task didn't form a strong emotional bond. That bond has not become physical, I see great restraint, and respect in that.

 

None of us control our emotions. Hopefully some of us control our actions.

 

OMG... I think I'm falling in love with you... this is sooo well said.. I like the way you put it.. soooo nice..

[whichwayisup]

Lakey, I honestly feel in this situation that she should quit her job and if she wants a relationship with him. She just can't be the caregiver and be the OW at the sametime.

[whichwayisup]

I would be amazed if two people working so closely, on such a heart wrenching task didn't form a strong emotional bond

 

OK, but is that real true love? Or is it two people needing eachother during an emotional time, feeling feelings that arise from (about to) losing a loved one?

[angie2443]

I've been here on LS over two years... I still have problems with the subject. I for one would be more comfortable with "emotional relationship", or "non sexual relationship" than the term EA.

 

I have "emotional relationships" with my friends, family, and some coworkers. These people never come before my husband. An emotional affair is very differant. In an emotional affair you put someone else before your partner. They become your confidant while your spouse is kept in the dark and a growing distance comes between you and your spouse. People who don't understand this are the ones who become involved in EA's and interestingly are the ones most likely to cheat because they have very weak bounderies in their relationships.

 

Oh and for the record, people in "respected" positions are not always the most respectable people. People are quick to call policemen, doctors and teachers. Many of them are. Many are shady and enjoy the bit of power that their position gives them over others.

[quankanne]

She just can't be the caregiver and be the OW at the same time.

 

from what wyld's indicated, she's willing to walk away, separate herself from a romance so that she can give this woman the best care possible. It could be that she's selfless enough to want to give his wife the best of herself because both patient and spouse are dear to her, and she wants to do right by both ...

[pelicanpreacher]

A question's been turning in my mind....Let's say Wylde's care was indeed found to be excellent and every action taken by her in the care of MM's spouse was beyond reproach. What if the wife found out, however, about the feelings Wylde had for her husband and chose to stop fighting to live anymore and thus allowed her health to rapidly deteriorate in the noble effort to free her husband to be with Wylde. Could this negative psychological impact leading to the wife's premature death be legally construed as depraved indifference homicide on Wylde's part if she knew of the wife's wishes for her husband to move on at the onset of care yet failed to take adequate precautions against possibly triggering a suicidal frame of mind within the wife by pursuing a romantic relationship with the husband in defference to the psychological consequences of her actions to the patient's health?

 

Just playing the "Devil's Advocate"....(I argue with "Scratch" all the time)

[Tomcat33]

Oh please do you really think this is the first person he's screwed the last 5 years?

 

 

See this, this right here demonstrates the narrow-mindedness that has been happening here. Inability to think beyond the preconceived notions that only serve to perpetuate twisted thoughts and all the nastiness that stems from that very basic principle.

 

You are way out of line with that comment, you have absolutely NO bearings to sustain that comment. This man may very well have been 100% faithful to his W the entire time including while he is developing feelings for Wyld. See how quickly the judgement happens based on what one already had imagined in their head? By that comment alone I can see you have already made the situation out to be what you CHOOSE for it to be neglecting the intricacy of this situation and all involved. And just because he is now found himself in a situation where he is emotionally involved with another woman, a woman who is sharing the ins and outs of his daily pain does not take away from what he feel towards his W as a human being but you cannot deny that after 5 yrs of seeing your once fully healthy and abled partner become a shell of themselve can eat away at the those feelings we have in a romantic sense, it becomes a less romantic feeling and more a compassionate one laced with guilt and duty.

 

The idea that you cannot comprehend the complexity for all involved, and this does not lack empathy for the W in any way, the idea that some of us can empathise with the hardships this man has also had to endure to be with a woman who is no longer a fully abled partner in almost EVERY way, is a notion that is completely lost by many. There is plenty empathy for what the W is going through and I maintain the idea that everything in their power should be done to maintain a level of dignity for this woman in her last days, however the fact that they have found comfort for one another and have developed feelings, is a different thing.

 

If you could just break free from the concept of "affair" and "cheating" for one milisecond it would be a lot easier to have true empathy for ALL involved.

 

It's that stupid attitude of "here is my brush let me paint a picture, the same picture at that, with one HUGE stroke" no matter what the circumstance entails. That level of infexibility is really alarming to see.

[Order & Chaos]

A question's been turning in my mind....Let's say Wylde's care was indeed found to be excellent and every action taken by her in the care of MM's spouse was beyond reproach. What if the wife found out, however, about the feelings Wylde had for her husband and chose to stop fighting to live anymore and thus allowed her health to rapidly deteriorate in the noble effort to free her husband to be with Wylde. Could this negative psychological impact leading to the wife's premature death be legally construed as depraved indifference homicide on Wylde's part if she knew of the wife's wishes for her husband to move on at the onset of care yet failed to take adequate precautions against possibly triggering a suicidal frame of mind within the wife by pursuing a romantic relationship with the husband in defference to the psychological consequences of her actions to the patient's health?

 

Just playing the "Devil's Advocate"....(I argue with "Scratch" all the time)

 

I think anything is possible but that is quite a leap to speculate and even larger one to ever proof. How would this be proven in a court of law? And have you researched how many cases of suicide are ever charged/blamed against another party? Basically you are saying that the OP could be charged with manslaughter.

 

I really don't think there would be anywhere close to enough evidence for a court of law. What MIGHT be able to happen, though still a very large leap, would be a civil case against the OP in this scenerio. But the biggest factor is having an outside party aware of the wife's thoughts and feelings or some sort of evidence of it, i.e. diary, tape recording, video, etc.

 

I do agree with most that that it would be better to leave this job or put the romance on hold until the passing of the wife. There is a professional duty to not blur the lines in a profession that, through the best of intentions, gets blurred all the time. It is an honorable and sacrificing job and don't think I have the mental, spiritual, or emotional fortitude to do it. I have utmost respect for those that do.

 

What is so incredibly sad is the amount of venom that some posters are spewing. It is obvious that the story isn't actually being read and said posters have an agenda from the get go.

 

NF, I pity you, your posts are vile and your mind is diseased. Your message, at the very very core is "correct" but you clutter it with so much hatred and self loathing that it is lost in the quagmire. Why spend so much time here? I understand the frustration of a point that isn't getting across but why keep beating your head against the proverbial tree? Step away and go live your life.

[LucreziaBorgia]

In a tiny way I can see it from the W's point of view. When I went into this cancer thing, I knew that I would be incapacitated and sick and would need some serious medical care.

 

I had the same thoughts of wanting him to be happy and finding happiness with a whole, healthy woman. What drove that? GUILT.

 

I felt guilty about being a burden, about 'cheating' him out of a normal relationship. I felt guilty about the possibility of dying and putting everyone through grief. I felt guilty about the stigma he might have as a 'widower' and sticking every women he would be with after that with the specter of the 'beloved dead wife'.

 

To be brutally honest, I didn't want that happiness out of altruism. It would take a saint to be motivated to want that out of anything other than guilt. A person who is sick like I was, and who was infinitely worse off like this woman suffer a great deal of 'sick person' guilt.

 

You start talking like... "I want you to be happy and find someone else", or "I wish I would just die so that you would be free", etc.

 

That said, even though I felt guilty and wanted him to be happy should I be completely incapacitated, there are no words to describe the despair, hurt, and fury I would feel if he took me up on it while I was still alive. It sounds like a case of 'say one thing, mean another' and in a way it is.

 

You feel so guilty about the position you are in that you don't want to be a further burden by expecting him to want you and only you even in the worst of time. You think back to the "in sickness and in health" part and hope against hope that regardless of what you say in terms of giving him freedom that he won't actually take you up on it while you are still drawing breath. Even the thought of him finding happiness after you die is still hard to think about.

 

I can only imagine this woman laying there, smiling on the outside but dying on the inside in more ways than one. She would feel too guilty about things to express even the tiniest anger though. It would be all to easy to take her at her word - apparently Wyld and her MM are. On one level that would absolve W of some of the 'sick person' guilt she feels, but on the other hand she is wondering something she will never admit - she likely wonders what happened to the "in sickness" part of her vows.

 

Who knows. Maybe she has passed that point of things, and is ready to simply let go. Maybe not. Only she knows that. I can only guess based on being a tiny fraction of ill that she is.

[luvmy2ns]

people just can't read.

 

This was the insult. I have to actually explain it?! You post very thinly veiled insults all the time. I've heard it said that when someone resorts to insults in a debate, they realize they've already lost.