why does he need me if he has porn

[littlepiggy1]

The point is, also, that I am one of the few men who do not fantacise about women. While I'd watch porn, I'd look at the scene, and never imagined I was with the woman in it. I don't sit and imagine I am with Pamela Anderson or whoever and having sex wiht her - simply never worked with me.

 

If you don't mind me asking, are you saying you never fantasize anymore about anyone else? Whether it be fantasy females , someone you've seen/met in RL, or even someone you know?

 

By the way, I don't agree that it's been proven that human society is either monogamous or poligamous - the sources to prove either are too scarce and it may take many year before reasonable conclusion could be made.

 

This sounds like hand-waving to me. I've already cited literature on this forum that suggests both mammals are primarily polygamous (95%+), as well as human cultures (~85%). If you have something to counter that, then by all means present it, otherwise your objection holds no water.

[rainfall]

Why? Where is this idea coming from? What are you basing this on?

 

The fact that if I don't satisfy him 100% then we aren't right for each other.

I think it is very rare that you find that person that can satisfy you 100% and that is why people use pornto subsitue what they are missing with porn/fantasy.

[littlepiggy1]

The fact that if I don't satisfy him 100% then we aren't right for each other.

 

But again what is this based on? Why should two people necessarily be able to satisfy each other 100%?

 

I think it is very rare that you find that person that can satisfy you 100% and that is why people use pornto subsitue what they are missing with porn/fantasy.

 

Well what do you say regarding the study I posted that indicates that about 98% of men and 80% fantasize about others while in a relationship?

[new_stella]

Well what do you say regarding the study I posted that indicates that about 98% of men and 80% fantasize about others while in a relationship?

 

I know this question is not for me, but I would like to answer it, if I may

 

First and most important, these are only one study results, not the absolute truth.

 

I understand that you want scientific proofs for your theories, but to be honest 349 people is not nearly enough to call it a science. This is simply a questionnaire, a survey. An indication maybe, but definitely not a science.

 

The fact that someone compiled the results and analysed them is what makes it a study. But still, it doesn’t make it the truth.

 

You can’t expect people to believe and instantly accept the results of every study that has ever been done. People use critical thinking to decide if they are going to believe something like that or not.

 

Besides, sample of 349 (and probably all of them in the same country, … maybe even in the same city, maybe even same university, who knows …) is simply not large enough to make conclusions about human nature.

It is actualy very restricted.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I respect and accept your thinking and you feelings littlepiggy, I just don’t believe in every published study that pretends to be (or call itself) a science.

[Enema]

"When presented with evidence that would make us rethink our beliefs, it is often easier to burn the evidence."

 

~~ Enema '07

[littlepiggy1]

new_stella,

 

I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time I think you are being too dismissive.

 

Regarding that particular study, the authors indeed cite the limitations of their sample:

 

The present study also is based on a convenience sample of university students and university employees. Obviously this sample is not representative of the U.S. population in terms of race, SES, geographic location, or education, and is limited to individuals in heterosexual relationships. In addition, although the response rate was quite high among the students in the sample, it was quite low (24%) among university employees in the sample. Future studies should further explore gender differences in the percentage of extradyadic fantasies in more demographically diverse and representative samples and among gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals.

 

That said, I don't you can dismiss it out of hand, because I have yet to see anyone cite anything different. In fact, during most of my readings on human sexuality, I have seen nothing but reference to the fact that most people have pretty active sexual fantasies. This particular study was the only one I could access online that directly dealt with the issue of fantasizing about others while in a relationship, although there are other studies on broader fantasy themes. When I have more time, I will do more digging.

 

In addition, I have cited other literature on monogamy and polygamy among humans, primates and mammals at large.

 

If anyone can cite anything to the contrary, I more than welcome that.

[rainfall]

But again what is this based on? Why should two people necessarily be able to satisfy each other 100%?

 

 

 

Well what do you say regarding the study I posted that indicates that about 98% of men and 80% fantasize about others while in a relationship?

 

 

Because if I don't satisfy my man 100% then he is only "settling" for me. I would never stay with someone who didn't satisfy me 100%. I would rather be single and just have fun. There is really nothing that a man can give to me that I can't get for myself so I don't need to lower myself to be with someone who isn't 100% satisfied by me.

I say I don't really care about you survey. That is great that those guys have fantasies. I am not dating them.

Why shouldn't two people be able to satify their partner 100%?

[littlepiggy1]

Because if I don't satisfy my man 100% then he is only "settling" for me.

 

I don't quite see why you equate fantasy with "settling".

 

I would never stay with someone who didn't satisfy me 100%. I would rather be single and just have fun.

 

So basically, you want someone who thinks like you do. Fair enough. I don't see why you think people should necessarily satisfy their SO 100%.

 

I say I don't really care about you survey. That is great that those guys have fantasies. I am not dating them.

 

How would you even know? Do you really think your partner would ever tell you if they knew your views?

 

Heck, based on the numbers in that study, you've got a 1 in 50 chance of finding someone like that. You have better odds winning at roulette.

 

Why shouldn't two people be able to satify their partner 100%?

 

Biologically speaking, evolution. We come from a long line of genetic "winners". And those that are best at propagating their genes, have their genes go on to subsequent generations. It ain't just humans. As I've pointed out, about 95% of mammals are not strictly monogamous. It may not be the most romantic way of looking at the world, but it's realistic.

 

This isn't to say that people can't have mongamous relationships. Certainly people can and do have such relationships. But simply that there is no "monogamy" switch that flicks on when two people enter a relationship.

[rainfall]

I don't quite see why you equate fantasy with "settling".

 

How would you even know? Do you really think your partner would ever tell you if they knew your views?

 

.

 

 

You can kinda tell if a man or women fantasizes. If they look at porn, make comments about the hot person they just saw and what they would like to do with her, or obviously turn their head almost to the point of being pathetic to check out someone then you can kinda tell that they probably will fantasize.

 

Fantasy is thinking about an ideal dream situation/partner which would mean if it is not your partner then you are settling. You might be happy with the person you are dating. However the person with the fantasy wishes that their partner was skinnier, taller, a red head, bigger boobs, into three ways, or whatever it is you are fantasizing about.

Wishing your partner was in someway different is settling.

[littlepiggy1]

You can kinda tell if a man or women fantasizes. If they look at porn, make comments about the hot person they just saw and what they would like to do with her, or obviously turn their head almost to the point of being pathetic to check out someone then you can kinda tell that they probably will fantasize.

 

You've basically described most of the male population.

 

But again, if you are with someone that knows you disapprove of all that, they'll never let on that they fantasize. People can keep behavior in check, at least in the presence of their SO.

 

Fantasy is thinking about an ideal dream situation/partner which would mean if it is not your partner then you are settling. You might be happy with the person you are dating. However the person with the fantasy wishes that their partner was skinnier, taller, a red head, bigger boobs, into three ways, or whatever it is you are fantasizing about.

Wishing your partner was in someway different is settling.

 

Hmm, your definition of "fantasy" is different than mine.

 

Fantasy does not imply that you wish your parnter was necessarily different. Nor does it necessarily represent an "ideal". It simply represents a scenario. Fantasy can be about anything. I myself have fantasized about all sorts of people, including people I know, people I don't know, people I make up, men, women, transvestites, 3-ways, orgies, etc. To me a fantasy is simply about having a "throw away" experience with none of the complications, inhibitions or risks of reality.

 

Since you claim to not fantasize, it might be hard to understand that.

[rainfall]

You've basically described most of the male population.

 

But again, if you are with someone that knows you disapprove of all that, they'll never let on that they fantasize. People can keep behavior in check, at least in the presence of their SO.

 

 

 

Hmm, your definition of "fantasy" is different than mine.

 

Fantasy does not imply that you wish your parnter was necessarily different. Nor does it necessarily represent an "ideal". It simply represents a scenario. Fantasy can be about anything. I myself have fantasized about all sorts of people, including people I know, people I don't know, people I make up, men, women, transvestites, 3-ways, orgies, etc. To me a fantasy is simply about having a "throw away" experience with none of the complications, inhibitions or risks of reality.

 

Since you claim to not fantasize, it might be hard to understand that.

 

I still don't see why you would need to fantasize if you had a partner who you loved. What would you get out of thinking about someone other then her?

[littlepiggy1]

I still don't see why you would need to fantasize if you had a partner who you loved. What would you get out of thinking about someone other then her?

 

Partially to satisfy our primal urges to procreate with as many available people as possible, and partially to explore kinks, fetishes, etc, that you might not want to actually try out in real life.

[rainfall]

Partially to satisfy our primal urges to procreate with as many available people as possible, and partially to explore kinks, fetishes, etc, that you might not want to actually try out in real life.

 

See I think if you have an urge to procreate with someone other then your partner then you aren't really satisfied with what you have.

[littlepiggy1]

See I think if you have an urge to procreate with someone other then your partner then you aren't really satisfied with what you have.

 

It ain't about satisfaction, it's about makin' babies.

[Virginia]

Just to chime in here about the men not telling us they have fantasys because they know we will disaprove.

 

Well,My SO told ME that HE didn't want that in a relationship before he even knew my stance on it. He is not religious it is just something he doesn't think is right in a committed relationship. There are some men out there that may well lie but I think those ones show their true colours in the end I do not know what goes on in my SO's head but I trust him not to lie about something that was so important to me,especially as it is also important to him.

 

I think some people have troubles wrapping their heads around the fact that some people do not fantasize because THEY do and they expect everyone else to do the same. On another board a man told me that if you do not find porn on a mans computer he is either hiding it very well or he is very abnormal. He thinks that way because he is deep into porn. It is called projection,you feel a certain way so expect others too,when in fact,not everyone does.

 

I think the urge to pro-create line is crap to be honest. I may understand that thinking if you said it was natural to sleep around (I wouldn't agree with it however) but fantasizing has nothing to do with the urge to pro create.

 

I am a women,and I have 4 children,I do not go around thinkinf of other men because I have the primal urge to pro create and neither does my man,if he used that excuse I would laugh in his face LOL

 

If you,do not mind your partner thinking of other women sexually then that is up to you,however,I find it laughable that anyone can begin to think about what goes on in others heads. It is laughable that if a man says he does not have fantasys he is lying. Who are you to judge what is in others heads? I happen to trust my partner and take his word for it because he has gave me no reason to believe he is lying to me,I picked a man who I can trust so if he says he doesn't do it I beleive him.

 

I do not find it hard to understand because I do not do it either,I do not have sexual thoughts over anyone else and I am very capable of not thinking about it if it ever did cross my mind.

 

People are just projecting their experiences and thoughts onto other people. As for the studies,well,I am sure most people do fantasize but I bet there is a hell of a lot of people who don't too.

[Virginia]

Darn there is so many typos and spelling mistakes in that post. Forgive me,it is 2.30am here and I have a tiny baby and I can't be bothered to edit it all.

 

Good night

[littlepiggy1]

This is from the same study:

 

A recent New York Times poll ("The Way We Live," 2000) indicated that 48% of respondents did not think it was "okay" to fantasize about having sex with someone else even if they were faithful to their partner. In our sample 87% of participants had such fantasies in the past two months (98% of men and 80% of women). Clearly, extradyadic fantasies are quite common for both men and women, regardless of whether or not people think it is acceptable to have them. Perhaps if people realized how common these fantasies are they would find it more acceptable both for themselves and their partner.

 

Some people claim to disapprove of things even they themselves engage in. There are plenty of hypocrits out there (*cough* Ted Haggard *cough*). We do it because we want social approval. Modern society, at least going back 50 years, had created a rather bizarre view of human sexuality that wasn't at all realisitic as the Kinsey reports demonstrated. And even today there is still repression of the acceptence of human sexual behavior (no small part due to religion, I am sure).

 

I think the urge to pro-create line is crap to be honest. I may understand that thinking if you said it was natural to sleep around (I wouldn't agree with it however) but fantasizing has nothing to do with the urge to pro create.

 

Not always, but I'd bet it does in more cases than not.

 

It is laughable that if a man says he does not have fantasys he is lying. Who are you to judge what is in others heads?

 

Well, let's see: assuming the stats from that study can be applied broadly, they demonstrate that you have a 1 in 50 chance of a man not having sexual fantasies about someone else while in a relationship.

 

I do not find it hard to understand because I do not do it either,I do not have sexual thoughts over anyone else and I am very capable of not thinking about it if it ever did cross my mind.

 

Women, on average, fantasize less than man. Again, going by those numbers, you have a 1 in 5 chance of finding a woman who doesn't fantastize about others while in a relationship.

 

People are just projecting their experiences and thoughts onto other people. As for the studies,well,I am sure most people do fantasize but I bet there is a hell of a lot of people who don't too.

 

The reason we have studies is so that we don't project, but that we get the raw data. I'm looking for raw data on this. So far all those people who are disagreeing have not brought anything to the table except their own hubris. So who is really projecting here?

[rainfall]

It ain't about satisfaction, it's about makin' babies.

 

Well if it is about "makin babies" then what would it mean if you NEVER want kids and your SO feels the same. Since you don't like kids why would you need to satisfy that urge.,.....

[littlepiggy1]

Well if it is about "makin babies" then what would it mean if you NEVER want kids and your SO feels the same. Since you don't like kids why would you need to satisfy that urge.,.....

 

Because the basic biological urge is still there. Unless someone is sexually "defective" (for lack of a better term), the desire to procreate is within us.

 

However, the reality of having children is a bit different, especially in today's society. There could many reasons why people choose not to have children, including financial, not wanting to take on additional responsibility, not wanting to give up personal freedom, chances of genetic deformities, etc. Modern society is far cry from the pre-historic days before birth control, DNA tests, and child support.

[rainfall]

Because the basic biological urge is still there. Unless someone is sexually "defective" (for lack of a better term), the desire to procreate is within us.

 

However, the reality of having children is a bit different, especially in today's society. There could many reasons why people choose not to have children, including financial, not wanting to take on additional responsibility, not wanting to give up personal freedom, chances of genetic deformities, etc. Modern society is far cry from the pre-historic days before birth control, DNA tests, and child support.

 

I have no desire to procreate so I guess I am "defective."

However if my man ever told me he had to fantasize to satusfy his urge to procreate with as many women as possible I would laugh my butt and tell him he was so full of crap.

[Walk]

It is a flaw if he has to think about someone esle mentally because I should be able to satisfy him 100%.

 

really think in SOME cases people only settle in a relationship for someone who is less then their ideal partner and porn/fantasy feels the needs the real life partner can't.

 

I fantasize while having sex. And the guy I'm dating is absolutely the most fabulous lover I have ever encountered in my 30 + years. But after 3 years together, well... sometimes regular sex isn't going to win over concern about debt collectors, rent payments, stress from work, from school, exhaustion.. Sometimes I need "extra" stimulation to get past all that bull crap.

 

So, for instance.. I like the idea of anal sex, but I don't like the practical application of it (it hurts). So I fantasize about it. There are several "ideologies" of sexual stimulation that really turn me on, but just don't work in real life for me... so I use the mental stimulation of the thought to heighten the physical sensations.

 

However, by your definition, I'm terrible unsatisfied by my mate, and I should dump him for not being able to compete sexually with something that wouldn't satisfy me in real life anyway.

 

And before you jump my case about it not being the same.. it is. I fantasize about raw sex with a stranger, and its definitely NOT something I want to do in real life. To me, there's no difference between the two scenario's. I don't want either in real life, but mentally they turn me on.

[littlepiggy1]

I have no desire to procreate so I guess I am "defective."

 

Yup.

 

However if my man ever told me he had to fantasize to satusfy his urge to procreate with as many women as possible I would laugh my butt and tell him he was so full of crap.

 

Which is why he'll just keep telling you he doesn't fantasize regardless of whether or not its true, you'll go on believing that, and you'll have a happy, loving relationship and until one of you croaks.

[rainfall]

Yup.

 

 

 

Which is why he'll just keep telling you he doesn't fantasize regardless of whether or not its true, you'll go on believing that, and you'll have a happy, loving relationship and until one of you croaks.

 

If I believed what you were saying I would leave him. It is no way "loving" if he his pretending I am someone esle when we have sex.

[littlepiggy1]

If I believed what you were saying I would leave him. It is no way "loving" if he his pretending I am someone esle when we have sex.

 

For his sake, it's probably a good thing you don't believe me then.

[rainfall]

For his sake, it's probably a good thing you don't believe me then.

 

Why? wouldn't it be better if he could find someone who could fulfill all his desires and fantasys? I know he does that for me so why shouldn't he have the same?