why does he need me if he has porn

[stace79]

I have fantasies (not sexual, mind you) about skydiving, but I'm afraid to do it in real life. I have fantasies about hot movie stars like Leonardo DiCaprio but I would never sleep with him in real life just based on his looks alone. He could be a real jerk, personality-wise. I have fantasies about scuba diving but I'm afraid of drowning, so I haven't actually done it.

 

I don't find it insulting, because even after he fantasizes and gets off to porn, the object of my affections keeps coming back to me telling me how wonderful I am.

 

So why haven't you done these things you have fantasys about?

Not enough money, they are illegal, you would hurt someone you love, you don;t know the person in RL? Sorry if I am wrong here but I can't think of what would keep you from something you want.

 

I have a very healthy self esteem. I find people who are ok with this to be the ones lacking in self esteem. Why would someone want to put up with this?It is insulating.

[Jersey Shortie]

Personally, like the OP, I don't really know why men bother having relationships with women when they have porn. It is increasingly obvious that porn is what is important to men. Men don't even try to understand or listen to why the porn issue can be such a hurtful one for women. Obviously it isn't for men because it for the most part plays up to male fantasies and is about all the ways they *wish* women where. Porn can be very de-feminizing for women sometimes. Espeically since it really is just plain disrespectful to women.

 

You can say it is "just a fantasy", but then why do so many men want to do what they see in porn? Or why do they hold women in porn in such high regards for looks? Don't men get that their women want to be beautiful to them? And when you volutentarily seek out other women to pleasure yourself with, it is hurtful and it sucks.

 

So at the end of the day, I just don't know why men bother with real women since we obivously aren't good enough for them and men obviously don't really care about women.

[Toni_no12002]

Try not to worry about his looking at other women and such too much.I did and it turned me into a crazy mad woman!I occasionally still get jealous.

 

I remember the other day me and my bf were talking about what celebs we found attractive.I told him mine and he told me his.He said one of his was britney spears.I was upset and started to think why and bla bla.I found the reason i was soo jealous is because I thought she was better looking than me.

My boyfriend in no way said that she was better looking than me but i automatically assumed that.

 

Every guy will find other people attractive.As will every woman.I find other people attractive.I have had fantasys about other people most of them i wouldnt want to sleep with!Its just something different.

[littlepiggy1]

So why haven't you done these things you have fantasys about?

Not enough money, they are illegal, you would hurt someone you love, you don;t know the person in RL? Sorry if I am wrong here but I can't think of what would keep you from something you want.

 

You are over-analyzing this. It's actually much simpler and isn't based on the premise you think it is.

 

Why haven't I done all those things? Easy. It's fantasy, not reality. I recognize the fact that fantasy is different. In fantasy, everything is perfect. There are no logistical barriers, no ambiguities, no side-effects, consequences, etc. Furtheremore, there are no unfulfilled expectations.

 

Reality is different. Reality is ambiguous. Expectations can vary greatly from delivery. There are logistical barriers. There are consequences.

 

And quite frankly, some of the stuff I may fantasize about, I simply have no inclination to make a reality (i.e. tranny sex). Some things are just better left fantasy.

 

I don't expect you to fully "get" this. You seem to be of the mindset that fantasy implies want implies action. That's not necessarily the case. Sometimes fantasies are just that.

 

I have a very healthy self esteem. I find people who are ok with this to be the ones lacking in self esteem. Why would someone want to put up with this?It is insulating.

 

I don't think you do have a healthy self esteem at all. At least not the way you come across in this thread. You constantly make references to yourself being "not good enough" if your SO looks at porn, fantasizes, whatever. It seems to me that you base being "good enough" on someone else's sexual behavior.

 

Self esteem is just that: *self* esteem. We define our own self worth from within, not from others. You don't seem to be doing that.

[stace79]

Little Piggy made me think of something else...what about video games? You think that everyone who plays Grand Theft Auto wants to actually sleep with prosititutes and kill cops? I don't think so....

 

Another example of how fantasy is just imagination and letting go, doing things you won't do in real life.

[littlepiggy1]

That's a very good example, stace79. Although, try telling some politicians that...

[stace79]

Oh geez, you can't tell a politician anything! But it's true....I play this game with a friend on PS3 where you race on these outdoor tracks, and when you run off the track you pretty much fall into a canyon or blast into fiery pieces against the side of the canyon. Now this game is FUNNNNNNNN as anything, but would I ever want to meet that fate in real life? Lol...no....

[Virginia]

You are over-analyzing this. It's actually much simpler and isn't based on the premise you think it is.

 

Why haven't I done all those things? Easy. It's fantasy, not reality. I recognize the fact that fantasy is different. In fantasy, everything is perfect. There are no logistical barriers, no ambiguities, no side-effects, consequences, etc. Furtheremore, there are no unfulfilled expectations.

 

Reality is different. Reality is ambiguous. Expectations can vary greatly from delivery. There are logistical barriers. There are consequences.

 

And quite frankly, some of the stuff I may fantasize about, I simply have no inclination to make a reality (i.e. tranny sex). Some things are just better left fantasy.

 

I don't expect you to fully "get" this. You seem to be of the mindset that fantasy implies want implies action. That's not necessarily the case. Sometimes fantasies are just that.

 

 

 

I don't think you do have a healthy self esteem at all. At least not the way you come across in this thread. You constantly make references to yourself being "not good enough" if your SO looks at porn, fantasizes, whatever. It seems to me that you base being "good enough" on someone else's sexual behavior.

 

Self esteem is just that: *self* esteem. We define our own self worth from within, not from others. You don't seem to be doing that.

 

 

I am so glad my man is different he is one of a kind. People say he lies to me but hey he told ME he couldn't be with someone who would fantasizes over others,watch porn etc etc and at that point he didn't even know my stance on it .

 

He doesn't watch TV,he didn't even own one until he moved in here,he has never owned a porn mag or video,he hates going to bars etc etc and he has very strong opinions on the media and how he hates that it makes some women feel they have to look at a certain way.

 

He thinks it is disrespectful to look at women and think of them in a sexual way,for him there has to be love there too. He hates how women are treated like sexual objects in the media. I love my man

 

So many people say all men look at other women,all men like porn,all men fantasize but not all men do. Some men think it is morally wrong and I thank god I have one of those men who do not look at women and get off on them.

 

If you are fantasizing about something or someone sexually then you are getting turned on by someone other than your partner. I have no desire to think of anyone else sexually. How could I? when I have the best there is.

 

Everyone is different. If people want to look at porn etc etc then fine,it is up to the couple in question to know what they can deal with. I just take offense that when people feel differently it means they have lack of self esteem or not living in reality.

 

I couldn't imagine anyone here liking the assumptions that they are in a bad marriage because they watch porn,but yet when someone says they do not like it or think it is disrespectful people accuse them of being naive,immature or lacking self esteem.

 

Some people genuinely do not check out other people,and there is nothing naive or lacking in self esteem about expecting their partner not too. You just find a partner who feels the same way as you.

 

I seriously NEVER look at another man and think "he is hot" it just doesn't happen anymore.

[littlepiggy1]

He doesn't watch TV,he didn't even own one until he moved in here,he has never owned a porn mag or video,he hates going to bars etc etc and he has very strong opinions on the media and how he hates that it makes some women feel they have to look at a certain way.

 

Your man is clearly malfunctioning. I'd return him for a refund.

[Virginia]

Your man is clearly malfunctioning. I'd return him for a refund.

 

Hehe he is one of a kind for sure He is more interested in plants and insects than he is women

 

I tell a lie,he did have a porn mag when he was 13 years old

[rainfall]

I have fantasies (not sexual, mind you) about skydiving, but I'm afraid to do it in real life. I have fantasies about hot movie stars like Leonardo DiCaprio but I would never sleep with him in real life just based on his looks alone. He could be a real jerk, personality-wise. I have fantasies about scuba diving but I'm afraid of drowning, so I haven't actually done it.

 

I don't find it insulting, because even after he fantasizes and gets off to porn, the object of my affections keeps coming back to me telling me how wonderful I am.

 

 

Ok but if you weren't afraid of skydiving and drowning you would probably do those two things.

If you have a fantasy about something you wouldn't ever really do if given the chance what is the point?

[rainfall]

You are over-analyzing this. It's actually much simpler and isn't based on the premise you think it is.

 

Why haven't I done all those things? Easy. It's fantasy, not reality. I recognize the fact that fantasy is different. In fantasy, everything is perfect. There are no logistical barriers, no ambiguities, no side-effects, consequences, etc. Furtheremore, there are no unfulfilled expectations.

 

Reality is different. Reality is ambiguous. Expectations can vary greatly from delivery. There are logistical barriers. There are consequences.

 

And quite frankly, some of the stuff I may fantasize about, I simply have no inclination to make a reality (i.e. tranny sex). Some things are just better left fantasy.

 

I don't expect you to fully "get" this. You seem to be of the mindset that fantasy implies want implies action. That's not necessarily the case. Sometimes fantasies are just that.

 

 

 

I don't think you do have a healthy self esteem at all. At least not the way you come across in this thread. You constantly make references to yourself being "not good enough" if your SO looks at porn, fantasizes, whatever. It seems to me that you base being "good enough" on someone else's sexual behavior.

 

Self esteem is just that: *self* esteem. We define our own self worth from within, not from others. You don't seem to be doing that.

 

My self esteem is great. I think I am good enough for my man and I think I am better in every way then the people in porn. However I feel if a man looks at porn he is saying HE doesn't think his SO is good enough because he has to get turned on by someone esle.

 

Again there is a big difference between thinking someone is attractive and having a sexual fantasy about them. If you have a sexual fantasy about every attractive person you see I personally think you have problems.

[Enema]

I think the lesson here is that everyone has a different and equally valid opinion.... so long as they can find a partner that shares it

[Virginia]

I think the lesson here is that everyone has a different and equally valid opinion.... so long as they can find a partner that shares it

 

Bingo!

 

Apparently my message is too short to submit so this should do it.

[Toni_no12002]

My self esteem is great. I think I am good enough for my man and I think I am better in every way then the people in porn. However I feel if a man looks at porn he is saying HE doesn't think his SO is good enough because he has to get turned on by someone esle.

 

Again there is a big difference between thinking someone is attractive and having a sexual fantasy about them. If you have a sexual fantasy about every attractive person you see I personally think you have problems.

 

You think that because he has a fantasy about someone else that they are better than you in some way.There not its just different.

 

If you love someone then you love everything about them not just the way they look.

 

I have a little boy, personally i think hes the most beautiful little boy ever!I see other babies and think aww he or she is gorgeous.That doesnt mean i think there better than my little boy.Am i wrong to think other babies are cute? No. Does it mean i love my little boy any less?...No.

 

If your bf loooks at other women he thinks there better than you?No! Your basing everything on looks.There is more to someone than just there looks.I doubt you fell in love with your bf because of his looks alone.

[Capricorn]

My ex boyfriend loved porn and every time we were out checked out other girls and it made me feel like garbage!! I would always dress up, change my hair style and nothing was ever good enough! The day he left me, I asked him why as I was crying my eyes out and he said cause I have a problem with nudity!! Which is funny cause I had sex with him whenever he wanted! I even explained to him in a nice way that it hurt my feelings that I only had eyes for him but he checked out every other woman he could. Anyway I'm glad he left. I now have a new man and he is the best!!! He makes me feel so good about myself! He watches movies and tv but he doesn't watch porn or have porn mags and whenever we're out he pays attention to me not other women. On occassion I'm sure he may notice an attractive women but he doesn't stare or ogle anyone like most men do. Once in a while I may see a guy with a handsome face or nice hair but I'm not lusting after them. Yeah looks are important but it's disgusting how men ogle private parts of women they don't even know, especially if they have a wife or girlfriend who loves them and is totally willing to have sex with them.

[cn283]

I'm not about to argue the whole "insecure woman" thing, but when it starts to affect your sex life its a problem. My BF is a porn watcher, I don't care...what I do care about is him busting a nut but not wanting sex. It doesn't make me "sad" or I don't feel like "I don't measure up" ect, I just get mad! And instead of "confronting" him, I do what a guy would do, I jack off myself. What's funny is he gets pissed at this.

[boshemia]

"People still believe that fantasies are compensation for lack of sexual opportunity," says Leitenberg. "That if your sex life was adequate, you wouldn't have to fantasize."

 

"But the data show that, if anything, frequent fantasizers are having more than their share of fun in bed. They have sex more often, engage in a wider variety of erotic activities, have more partners, and masturbate more often than infrequent fantasizers, Leitenberg and Henning report in Psychological Bulletin."

 

"The association between fantasies and a healthy sex life is so strong, in fact, that it's now considered pathological not to have sexual fantasies."

 

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n5_v28/ai_17382261

[rtHawk]

"The association between fantasies and a healthy sex life is so strong, in fact, that it's now considered pathological not to have sexual fantasies."

 

I find that to be a bunch of psycho-babble BS and just one more thing to make more people feel that they don't fit the PC life style.

 

There are many people who proabably don't have fantasies as such and are healthy and fully capable of mature and sensual relationships.

 

I, like many other women on LS have my fantasies, but they are NOT EVER about other men, women, things, but they are soley of me and my SO and what we shared, could share, could do, new things, new places and new ways we could try, play with and experiment.

 

I love him, love making love with him and enjoy my fantasies about him and us.

I do not need or want porn; sex is not a spectator sport for me.

I have all the desire under the clear sun and sparkling moon to keep me going all the time and porn destroys that for me.

Yes he has it(fortunatley not alot), I hate it, but tolerate as best I can.

 

Still; it is difficult for me to wrap my self around the idea that he is getting aroused by other women in porn. Masturbation is a non-issue, porn is.

I have a total commitment to my SO and would not even come close to the want to check out other naked guys --wouldn't do a thing for me except maybe a thought that they are good looking.

 

I think my SO is the hottest guy around and I love his body so no need for anything else.

 

It just sucks to feel that I am not the only woman of his desires. that is a feeling that just is hurtful; but I struggle silently with it.

 

but fantasies, can come in different forms, and not everyone needs sexual ones, some people have creative minds and can find escape in other things; ie writing.

[rtHawk]

Originally Posted by stace79

I have fantasies (not sexual, mind you) about skydiving, but I'm afraid to do it in real life. I have fantasies about hot movie stars like Leonardo DiCaprio

 

I don't find it insulting, because even after he fantasizes and gets off to porn, the object of my affections keeps coming back to me telling me how wonderful I am. but I would never sleep with him in real life just based on his looks alone. He could be a real jerk, personality-wise. I have fantasies about scuba diving but I'm afraid of drowning, so I haven't actually done it.

 

 

fantasies about skydiving don't usually involve women with their tatas and their bits spread apart for the your partner to become aroused by...

and maybe he goes to you because the object of his aroused desires is not available to him as she is a porn chick and he can't really have sex with her can he??? so you are the next best thing.

 

just a thought?!

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

LOL - you remind me exactly of an old friend of mine! She used to say exactly same things about her husband - and telling me how walking down the street or in the mall her husband didn't notice any woman and she'd actually point out someone occasionally and say "did you see her?" if she drew attention for a particular reason - and she said he had never even noticed them. They'd been married about 10 years at this point.

 

Then I went to work with him for a short time - every single time a hot woman walked by he and the guy in the next shop would discuss her physical assets in great and lurid detail.

 

He just had great camouflage - ALL men look - they are built that way - it's DNA encoded - they are visual. But you'll say "not my man, he's different" - which is exactly what he wants you to think- he's got good camouflage.

 

 

 

I am so glad my man is different he is one of a kind. People say he lies to me but hey he told ME he couldn't be with someone who would fantasizes over others,watch porn etc etc and at that point he didn't even know my stance on it .

 

He doesn't watch TV,he didn't even own one until he moved in here,he has never owned a porn mag or video,he hates going to bars etc etc and he has very strong opinions on the media and how he hates that it makes some women feel they have to look at a certain way.

 

He thinks it is disrespectful to look at women and think of them in a sexual way,for him there has to be love there too. He hates how women are treated like sexual objects in the media. I love my man

 

So many people say all men look at other women,all men like porn,all men fantasize but not all men do. Some men think it is morally wrong and I thank god I have one of those men who do not look at women and get off on them.

 

If you are fantasizing about something or someone sexually then you are getting turned on by someone other than your partner. I have no desire to think of anyone else sexually. How could I? when I have the best there is.

 

Everyone is different. If people want to look at porn etc etc then fine,it is up to the couple in question to know what they can deal with. I just take offense that when people feel differently it means they have lack of self esteem or not living in reality.

 

I couldn't imagine anyone here liking the assumptions that they are in a bad marriage because they watch porn,but yet when someone says they do not like it or think it is disrespectful people accuse them of being naive,immature or lacking self esteem.

 

Some people genuinely do not check out other people,and there is nothing naive or lacking in self esteem about expecting their partner not too. You just find a partner who feels the same way as you.

 

I seriously NEVER look at another man and think "he is hot" it just doesn't happen anymore.

[Guest]

--HE doesn't think his SO is good enough because he has to get turned on by someone esle.

 

and there is the flaw in your logic - he doesn't NEED porn to get turned on (that is a valid problem) - but he gets turned on by porn in addition to being turned on by his partner

 

 

My self esteem is great. I think I am good enough for my man and I think I am better in every way then the people in porn. However I feel if a man looks at porn he is saying HE doesn't think his SO is good enough because he has to get turned on by someone esle.

 

Again there is a big difference between thinking someone is attractive and having a sexual fantasy about them. If you have a sexual fantasy about every attractive person you see I personally think you have problems.

[Capricorn]

I totally agree with you Rainfall that there is no reason for a man that is in a commited relationship to be looking at porn if he is getting sex from his SO. I also agree that if a guy has to look at porn or check out anything female he must be looking for something else or something better. I'm very lucky my man doesn't look at porn or ogle other women. Honestly there are some musicians and actors I think are good looking but I have no desire to see them naked or to imagine sleeping with them!! Looks are important but not that important. Just cause some guy is hot doesn't mean he will have a great personality. I think my man is the best looking but also his personality and how he is is what turns me on. Most men do look at porn and act like animals in heat. The thing that makes me sick about men like that is the fact that they'll see some women they think is hot and want to screw her regardless of her personality or whether they have anything in common with her or not.

[chaos40]

b/c

 

ain't nothing like the real thing baby....

[Guest]

He could be doing what he's doing right now, plus secretly seeing an ex-GF for the past year, desperately in love with another ex-GF that doesn't want him, and having an EA with a married lady for the past 6 years that he slept with once and never told you and we don't even know if her daughter is his or not.

 

And you could have sold your homes, left your well paying job and moved 600 miles to the middle of nowhere where you have to start over with no home or job in a crappy apartment he had. And you could be allergic to smoke and he lied about quitting.

 

And he could have a bad temper and a drinking problem, and completely unromantic, thoughtless, selfish and immature. And on top of it all, you get all of the above, and complete assurances that he loves you and 'you are the only one for him'.

 

You could have a husband with all the features listed above, for the low low price of free!

 

(Don't know if this made you feel any better but I hope it did. The worst part about it...it's all true. My husband does the weird mastubating thing that your BF does, but plus all the other stuff. And I like porn! I am the one who tries to get him to watch it with me. I thought my husband was a really, really weird guy, I've never met anyone like him, but I guess your BF does this as well.

 

Very strange! I have no explaination, I've been unable to get anywhere with my husband on this issue. My suggestion - call it quits, I've tried for 5 years and there is no hope in my case. I truly hope there is in yours, but based on my experience you may be stuck with this for good)

 

 

my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year, we're having a baby together and we'll probably get married in the next year or so. from the very start we've had a more than healthy relationship, good communication after fights, and ability to work out problems. except for one. I need help understanding why, if he gets to have sex with me whenever he wants (well almost), then why has it gotten to the point where I’ll be sitting in the next room watching TV and he'll just leave to the bathroom and jerk off. a) his porn isn’t even half decent and its only the same two mags every time, b) he just got laid the night before (and i know he's gone plenty longer than that) so he clearly didn’t even need to get off THAT bad, especially since it took him like ten minutes to finish when i know he can do it in like 2.2 minutes flat.

 

I’ve fought with him so many times and he doesn’t really defend himself except to say that it's normal for boys. ok so now he's using MY computer to stay up until 4 am to look at disgusting naked women. I don’t even know how to say that this completely and utterly disgusts me to the point that my morning sickness isn’t because I’m pregnant anymore, it's because the man i thought i could never stop loving absolutely creeps me out. like, get a life. if all he wanted to do with his life was play video games and look at porn (and not even use it to jerk off) then what the hell am I wasting my time on? i could be single and jerking off too. in fact, if that's what's become so acceptable in today's society, then why even have strip bars or prostitutes? if guys wont have sex with their girlfriends whom they say they love, why would they bang a dirty hooker?

 

I don’t think that it's as much jealousy as it is a feeling of maybe being excluded from an extremely important part of his life, a part which, if we did ever end up married is such an important aspect that people divorce over it: a lack of intimacy. I’m not with him so that i can relieve his testosterone. this is all besides the fact that porn is a dangerous addiction. and there is absolutely no other way to begin an addiction than that. where does it end? who knows. sometimes it never does, and that's how my family was broken apart. I think i have read almost every thread on porn on this sight and I have to say I’m a little more than disappointed with the outrageously unintelligent replies I’ve seen to the other queries of confused and sickened girls just like me. it's not normal, not everyone does it, and it happens to be a huge problem.

 

if it's love that's missing, then deal with the real problem. I on the other hand don't have clue what the problem is. my boyfriend tells me he loves me a hundred times a day. it sure doesn't make up for anything though. I’m sorry if you couldn’t read through this whole thing, but I’m under the impression that i am far from alone out there and this problem has gone undealt with for far too long. it's time someone started saying something that made sense.