I want to die

[burning 4 revenge]

i can't believe reality can be this cold and i'm seduced by the brutality of it all.

 

it wasn't that long ago that i was twenty having an affair with a forty year-old woman and feeling like the world was at my disposal to do as i pleased.

 

now i'm the loser. i'm the cripple. and it's much too soon

 

i'm sure i'll now get some responses to go see a doctor and stop the pity party

[burning 4 revenge]

they're on the phone now, my sister and the c*nt.

 

i need to move somewhere else

[Alexandra]

Ummm I'm going to discuss something most of the beautifully intelligent people that have been working hard to get you on the right path on this thread will hate. They are all working on the assumption you are depressed, heading into -or having always had- serious psychological issues and need to be fixed. I'll go on a tangent here just because this other possibility exists.

 

B4R, can you remember this sort of feelings before gigi as well? Have you felt unworthy, inferior, exceptionally alone, unfit, etc, before her and more importantly before the ED? Surely you must have been in a depressed state before in your life, was it anything like it? How did you react to these feelings, are you experiencing any amount of gratification from being in any fashion hurt? Are you generally assertive or are you more comfortable with others taking control? No need to even answer me on here if you don't want to, just put some thought into the questions for yourself and feel free to PM if you wish.

 

There are several aspects here of which I'd say it's important that you recognize if you are not using ED and gigi as justification for feeling a certain way. If you do, meaning if the same type of mind set you've experienced before, independent of these and more importantly, you found you are comfortable with it and/or enjoy it, then you need to do some serious soul and mind searching and understand how you function. And some serious research on masochism.

 

Contrary to popular belief, being a masochist and/or being a submissive male with elements of masochism is NOT automatically a psychological condition. Some people are perfectly healthy and yet wired differently. However that is a terribly broad theme and not necessarily your case.

 

Let me say it again, it's entirely possible that what Lidya, Outcast, Johan and others presume is true, in fact I lean towards believing that as well, however if we are all wrong and this is not something you need to "fix" but something you need to "get comfortable with" then you need to know.

[johan]

So, which is it, burning??

 

Let's put it this way. This better be something to "fix", because I worked hard on my part of the analysis, and I'd be quite upset to see it go to waste.

 

Are we clear?

[burning 4 revenge]

well, i see your point alexandra, but no, i have'nt been a life-long masochist. i think i'm wallowing in self-pity because of the shock of the situation. i have certain problems that developed slowly and i did my best to deny them and then i was forced to confront them with the rudest possible awakening. and it seems like there are no answers

[Alexandra]

well, i see your point alexandra, but no, i have'nt been a life-long masochist. i think i'm wallowing in self-pity because of the shock of the situation. i have certain problems that developed slowly and i did my best to deny them and then i was forced to confront them with the rudest possible awakening. and it seems like there are no answers

 

 

Fine, I see Johan's menaces got to you:mad: Joking....

 

Good to know that you understood what I meant and -hopefully- asked yourself some questions. In light of the answers do yourself a favour and re-read some of the posts made by the sensible reasonable voices here again, please. Yes, it seems like a waste of time, it's not, I assure you. Some things, especially those that involve hard-to-accept-concepts need hammering. Here are some of those points again, just to bore you out of your mind.

 

• There ARE answers. You even have them, you need only act on them.
  
• You NEED to break free from the absurd-gigi-obsession, NC is a necessity.
  
• You HAVE to take steps in taking care of yourself. Physically and mentally. Don't postpone it, research which therapist to see NOW (find the cheap if not free ones available in your area), know what MD you'll visit once you can afford it NOW.
  
• Get out of the disabilities dating sites. You're a perfectly normal and desirable young man with a tiny problem you'll soon take steps to correct.
  
• Train yourself out of the habit of making dramatic affirmations such as "I want to die" or "I need to move cities" or "There are no answers". Start by simply forcing yourself NOT to write those, NOT to say them and eventually you'll come to NOT thinking them.
  
• Trust us when we say that if you take these basic steps you'll find yourself and your "her" before you know it.

[Chinook]

B4R -- you know what... I just came to this thread fresh. Not read alot of the longer posts. What it seems like to me is that you're stuck. Post-traumatic stress. You're going round in circles with it all because of the situ with your sister and Gigi. You've got psychosomatic physical problems because you're allowing the stress of this to affect you. It ain't easy but what it comes down to is a choice. You either accept the reality of the break-up or you continue as you are. I don't think you're f*cked up. I don't think you need counselling. I don't think you're any more screwed up with this than anyone else on the 'break up' or 'coping' boards. But you are going to have to make a choice to either move on, or continue in this cycle of pain. Whilst you continue in this cycle of pain... you're wallowing in self-pity ... which is fine. But it's not a subsititute for finding someone who cares about you. You have no control over what Gigi does or doesn't do. You do have control of what you do and how you deal with this stuff. Sooner or later you're going to need to get a hold of yourself and realise that f*ckit, she didn't want you...? That's her loss. Not yours.

[burning 4 revenge]

In my drunken delirium yesterday I wrote Gigi. I wrote I miss you. No big deal I guess, I PM'ed the same thing to a couple of you on the forum. I'm such a sentimental drunk.

 

Anyway, she wrote back saying that if I miss her how come I don't keep in contact and asking me to go to the movies Friday. I know she's seeing that boy and this is'nt an offer of a date, it's just to hang out as friends. I really do'nt think I can do it. I need help with the proper wording of a thank you, but no thank you e-mail that is polite, sincere, and detatched. Lindya help me (I you Lindya, you're the best) I'm definitely open to anyone else helping me too.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I wrote I miss you.

 

she wrote back... asking me to go to the movies Friday.

 

What else do you want!?

 

Go to the movies or whatever and see what happens.

 

(Of course, make some moves etc)

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

[KittenMoon]

In my drunken delirium yesterday I wrote Gigi. I wrote I miss you. No big deal I guess, I PM'ed the same thing to a couple of you on the forum. I'm such a sentimental drunk.

 

Anyway, she wrote back saying that if I miss her how come I don't keep in contact and asking me to go to the movies Friday. I know she's seeing that boy and this is'nt an offer of a date, it's just to hang out as friends. I really do'nt think I can do it. I need help with the proper wording of a thank you, but no thank you e-mail that is polite, sincere, and detatched. Lindya help me (I you Lindya, you're the best) I'm definitely open to anyone else helping me too.

 

Hi,

 

I wrote I miss you.

 

she wrote back... asking me to go to the movies Friday.

 

What else do you want!?

 

Go to the movies or whatever and see what happens.

 

(Of course, make some moves etc)

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

 

 

B4R and Ariadne-

 

A quote to consider: "Those that bite the hand that feeds them often lick the boots that kick them."

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

A quote to consider: "No pain no gain"

 

(Sorry, couldn't think of anything more original )

 

Ariadne

[magichands]

In my drunken delirium yesterday I wrote Gigi. I wrote I miss you. No big deal I guess, I PM'ed the same thing to a couple of you on the forum. I'm such a sentimental drunk.

So you don't miss me, then. Boo hoo.

Anyway, she wrote back saying that if I miss her how come I don't keep in contact and asking me to go to the movies Friday. I know she's seeing that boy and this is'nt an offer of a date, it's just to hang out as friends. I really do'nt think I can do it. I need help with the proper wording of a thank you, but no thank you e-mail that is polite, sincere, and detatched.

You don't want to let go, but at the same time - you know how you're going to feel afterwards. Well, probably.

 

In the spirit of less is more, I have come up with a one-word reply for you.

 

"Brutal!"

 

I agree that this could be a little ambiguous. And that might have me returning to the drawing board.

[lindya]

I need help with the proper wording of a thank you, but no thank you e-mail that is polite, sincere, and detatched. Lindya help me

 

Dear Gigi

 

Sorry about the email. I was a bit tired and emotional, I guess. Oh all right then...I was drunk.

 

People drift apart once relationships break up, hence the reduction in correspondence. There's no kind of hostility intended in that, I promise you, but it just wouldn't make any sense for us to still have the level of contact we had when we were involved.

 

I'm not going to go to the movies with you on Friday, but I hope that you have a cool weekend and trust that everything's good with you.

[Ariadne]

Sighhh...

 

I'm not going to go to the movies with you on Friday, but I hope that you have a cool weekend and trust that everything's good with you.

 

You guys are so well balanced...

 

(I'm jealous)

 

Ariadne

[johan]

On one end of the continuum, you could write her a long love letter and re-dedicate your life to her.

 

On the other end of the continuum, you could writer her a short 4-word note that says "**** off and die".

 

You're searching for something in the middle. You're trying to go for diplomatic and dignity-preserving while hopefully building some of the respect that you imagine she might have had for you under other circumstances.

 

It doesn't matter what you write to her. The results will be the same. You aren't going to get her back. You aren't going to get her respect. It is only your ego that keeps the psychic links you have to her alive. And that's not enough to justify any interaction at all.

 

I suggest you forget what you wrote. And forget what she wrote back. Forget the movie. Forget her. Forget how you think you failed and how you think you're otherwise flawed. Stay away from alcohol. Start eating right and sleeping right. Work out. Take care of yourself and do what you know you need to do in life, which doesn't change no matter what she does. Give yourself a break and just forget the bad stuff. Focus on the good stuff.

[burning 4 revenge]

On one end of the continuum, you could write her a long love letter and re-dedicate your life to her.

 

On the other end of the continuum, you could writer her a short 4-word note that says "**** off and die".

 

You're searching for something in the middle. You're trying to go for diplomatic and dignity-preserving while hopefully building some of the respect that you imagine she might have had for you under other circumstances.

 

It doesn't matter what you write to her. The results will be the same. You aren't going to get her back. You aren't going to get her respect. It is only your ego that keeps the psychic links you have to her alive. And that's not enough to justify any interaction at all.

 

I suggest you forget what you wrote. And forget what she wrote back. Forget the movie. Forget her. Forget how you think you failed and how you think you're otherwise flawed. Stay away from alcohol. Start eating right and sleeping right. Work out. Take care of yourself and do what you know you need to do in life, which doesn't change no matter what she does. Give yourself a break and just forget the bad stuff. Focus on the good stuff.

yeah, you're right. you're always right when it comes to my situation.

 

i already wrote her anyway, something very much along the lines that lindya suggested but a little less formal. but of course it does'nt matter what i write. the failure is in my body itself and any act of expression that comes from this flawed body is meaningless

[johan]

Come on, man. There are people everywhere whose bodies let them down. People get fat, are too tall or short, their brains are too small. People have addictions, their teeth are crooked. Some people suffer terrible accidents or go to war and their bodies are changed forever. They are just like you: they have to go on and live their lives.

 

You've turned her into a total God, but in reality she has very little of value to offer anyone. And even if she did, you have the same problem: how are you going to live your life? What do you really want? Whatever that is, just thinking about it should be enough to distract you from thinking about her.

 

You wouldn't wish all this on your enemies, but you seem perfectly willing to accept it for yourself.

[magichands]

Good advice, johan.

the failure is in my body itself and any act of expression that comes from this flawed body is meaningless

I wish you could look outside the square on this. (And I realise that it's others' perceptions that you are drawing conclusions from. Or should that be perceived perceptions?)

 

But it comes down to trusting people to accept you just as you are. And the self-understanding to know that you have a lot to offer another - just as you are.

 

Maybe I'm full of something. I don't know. I will happily put mine out on indefinite loan to you, if that is possible - I mean, it's not like I have any plans to use it in the foreseeable future. I admit that a toy, or possibly a miniature, is not as ideal as a standard - but they're still fun to play with (a believed-to-be-sound statistical extrapolation from a very limited test bed of data).

[burning 4 revenge]

Well thanks Magic. I would take you up on your offer to borrow yours', because I know exacly what I'd do with it, if only for one last time in the most violent and atrocious fashion.

 

And, besides being impossible, it would feel a little "queer", but I do appreciate the offer.

 

I wish I could rid of this obsession. It's not even her fault. Not anymore.

 

She symbolizes something horible in my mind now, like she's a living and breathing symbol of something that remains a shunned phantom in the minds of most and it has as much to do with mortality as it does simple masculine pride.

 

I know I need counselling. Probably a lot of it too.

[magichands]

Hate really does take a lot out of a person. Give peace a chance.

 

And I, irresponsibly, forgot the fair use clause. Aside from anything else, how am I going to get it back if you're banged up?

[lindya]

Hate really does take a lot out of a person. Give peace a chance.

 

It does, which is why a polite but detached email was best. Sometimes it's a case of faking it until you make it. Treating someone who's treated you badly with indifference, until it all sinks in and that really is how you feel about them.

 

Hate and venting about a person just keeps all those passionate feelings alive for someone who really doesn't merit them.

 

BTW, just in case Gigi has narcissistic tendencies - I wouldn't respond to any more emails she sends if you can help it. Give her any form of attention, and she'll keep trying to come back into your life when she needs something from you.

[Outcast]

Dude, yes, get counselling. And GO NO CONTACT!!!!! Block the emails and phone calls. And fergawdsakes GET COUNSELLING!!!!

[serial muse]

hi b4r. i've been following your story, too, but i didn't chime in before because there are plenty of clever, caring people who've already done a fantastic job offering advice. this thread, in fact, represents much of the best that loveshack has to offer, IMHO.

 

but b4r, in your less desperate moments you do seem to recognize that this woman gigi isn't really important as such, and that your primary battle has been with yourself. which makes sense; you're a smart, perceptive guy who happens to be in an emotional tailspin as a result of setbacks (happens to the best of us), and as such, you're a far more dangerous opponent to your own happiness than this woman could ever possibly be. she doesn't know how to hurt you half as well as you do.

 

so i just wanted to reiterate at least this recent quote by johan, that i think lays it out succinctly:

 

You've turned her into a total God, but in reality she has very little of value to offer anyone. And even if she did, you have the same problem: how are you going to live your life?

 

and especially this:

 

You wouldn't wish all this on your enemies, but you seem perfectly willing to accept it for yourself.

 

this rang so true, johan. why are we so often willing to hurt ourselves in ways we'd never consider hurting other people?

 

b4r, seriously, try to be nicer to yourself, 'kay?

 

(and i advise taking outcast's advice about ellis. rational therapy can be very effective.)

[burning 4 revenge]

She called me this morning and had the nerve to wonder if I wanted to take her out sometime, that we haven't seen each other for ages.

 

Good timing too, so I get to see this thread title twice on the boards.

[KittenMoon]

She called me this morning and had the nerve to wonder if I wanted to take her out sometime, that we haven't seen each other for ages.

 

Good timing too, so I get to see this thread title twice on the boards.

 

Don't you love it how they turn stuff around on you?