AriaIncognito Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I guess LS is about supporting people through those stages, but hopefully it's also about encouraging people to see their happiness as something that's possible for them, and needn't be dependent on the whims of another person. Once you accept that, you're far better placed to start doing what you need to do in order to get happiness back into your life. See, herein lies most of our problems here... the fact that some people base their happiness, on the ability of maintaining a relationship with a s/o. I think a lot of us can learn from the fact that we are truly the only people that can make ourselves happy. Nobody else in the world holds the key to our happiness, nor should we give someone that kind of control over us. Easier said than done, sure, but it's the truth. We can't go along assuming that if we can't find someone, we can't be "complete" or any such bull**** as movies might make you feel. We are complete people just as we are. We dont need someone else to create that. However, some of us of course decide we want a relationship to make our lives more fulfilling, but it should be just that MORE fulfilling, not "gee i have nobody so my life just totally sucks". I realize that tomorrow or the next day or next month, I could post, being sad over a loss, and that's only natural, but despite how i feel at varied times, I'm always trying to keep this in the back of my mind. I create my emotions at this point. If i'm unhappy over a breakup, it's because I'm not letting go, not because he's doing anything to me. Etc. We each have control over how we feel, sometimes, it's just hard to allow ourselves to feel what is best for us... Hope this helps someone out there... :-) Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 She could be very judgemental and demeaning and it makes me realize I didn't love her for who she was. I think it's a difficult concept to grab the essence of a person, and identify what you love them for. Maybe that's impossible. But what really stings, for me, is when somebody tells you that they love you - but doesn't love you for who you are. You don't have understanding, just a promise. And a promise that gets broken, at that. Dying alone? I don't need nobody to hold my hand. Hahahahaha! Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning 4 revenge Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 I think it's a difficult concept to grab the essence of a person, and identify what you love them for. Maybe that's impossible. But what really stings, for me, is when somebody tells you that they love you - but doesn't love you for who you are. You don't have understanding, just a promise. And a promise that gets broken, at that. Dying alone? I don't need nobody to hold my hand. Hahahahaha! i don't know magic, maybe i did love her for who she was, maybe i loved her more when she was abusing me. maybe i needed someone like her, because i feared the worst and need the worst possible type of person to validate my fears. who knows Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Destructive critics live to gain some false sense of validation by invalidating other people, Whoa. I didn't realise it was false! I may have to rethink my approach. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 It was an actual shock, like a trauma. It was so horrible to have somebody who once said they were in love saying those kinds of things it was almost like it wasn't real, like I felt numb. I tried to play it off as anger, or frustration, but I think I always realized deep down it was something more like contempt. She didn't love you for who you truly are, so she couldn't possibly have hated who you truly are. She hated something about herself but it was far easier for her to make you a target than to deal with her own crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 it was almost like it wasn't real, I recognize that feeling. It's the feeling you have the morning after he's left the first bruise or grabbed your arm and shrieked in your face that you're not leaving. The brain has trouble grasping that such a thing could happen - to you! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 , not "gee i have nobody so my life just totally sucks". Took the words right out of my mouth. Well, rather, I was thinking them. But I take your points. Maybe it helps if you have a PhD in astrophysics to be getting on with - but even they must dream of stars of a different kind. And black holes. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 , maybe i loved her more when she was abusing me. It just could be that heated abuse is actually veiled worship. I mean, why waste so much energy if it's not burning you up with passion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning 4 revenge Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Took the words right out of my mouth. Well, rather, I was thinking them. But I take your points. Maybe it helps if you have a PhD in astrophysics to be getting on with - but even they must dream of stars of a different kind. And black holes. So is that what Stephen Hawking is really thinking about? What freaks me out is that guy probably has an active sex life and I'm here alone Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I recognize that feeling. It's the feeling you have the morning after he's left the first bruise or grabbed your arm and shrieked in your face that you're not leaving. The brain has trouble grasping that such a thing could happen - to you! But I really hated university. I don't care if he was paying my college tuition. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 What freaks me out is that guy probably has an active sex life and I'm here alone That's a bit out of order, dude. Everybody is worthy. Have a skittle, and believe the rainbow. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 She didn't love you for who you truly are, so she couldn't possibly have hated who you truly are. She hated something about herself but it was far easier for her to make you a target than to deal with her own crap. That's deep logic. I guess you could be right. Well, norajane, you have cross-eyes. Hahahahaha! There, I feel better now. Just kidding, I like your antennae. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 For me the key is forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself for these things. For the ED, for the fact that you attached yourself to her, that you took her crap, and even for all that you've gone through since. Easier said than done. There were reasons for it all. If you understand the reasons, then you may be able to get some relief. It's often the case that, while trying to do the best for ourselves, we end up putting ourselves through a lot of hell. The key is to understand that we really were trying to the best we could with the tools and information we had at the time. If we fail or get confused or off track, that's just human. We aren't gods. You were trying your best, Burning. You have to accept that. The only thing you have to do is learn as much as you can from it and go forward. The other cheesy-sounding, but important part is that you have to learn to love yourself. The only way I've found to do that easily is to imagine meeting myself and hearing my story and to think about how compassionate I would be. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Took the words right out of my mouth. Well, rather, I was thinking them. But I take your points. Maybe it helps if you have a PhD in astrophysics to be getting on with - but even they must dream of stars of a different kind. And black holes. Well, the best of individuals will always find something lacking in their lives. They need a better car. A better wife. A better job. etc. Grass is greener, syndrome. Sometimes people dont see what they do have, over being distraught over that which they don't. I've been guilty of this in the recent past, but I'm hoping to keep things in perspective as much as possible, because, doing the former, does me absolutely no good. It's great to have dreams, just dont let them keep you from living in the present. Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 There were reasons for it all. If you understand the reasons, then you may be able to get some relief. My trap was overanalysis. Going over, and over, and over, and over things in my mind looking for an answer - when there isn't one. Besides - who knows exactly how one was feeling at that time? The key is to understand that we really were trying to the best we could with the tools and information we had at the time. I totally agree with you here. This is the acceptance (and forgiveness) part. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 That's deep logic. I guess you could be right. Well, norajane, you have cross-eyes. Hahahahaha! There, I feel better now. Just kidding, I like your antennae. It's not really that deep...it's only the insecure schoolyard bullies who make fun of my cross eyes. A woman who makes fun of her lover's ED in public is a woman who is insecure about her desireability...and knows nothing of loving behavior, intimacy, and compassion - maybe she's never had it in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning 4 revenge Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 All right, as some of you may know, gigi dumped me in January for another. He left his wife and family and moved in with her. Both my ex and this guy suffer from a hardcore addiction to mailining coke and he ended up pawning everything in her living room. So, he's in rehab now and after he left I made overtures to start things up again. She rejected me and I went out and got wasted and cried until I vomited. This was about two weeks ago and I haven't talked to her since. So, just now I'm checking my e-mails and find that she left me a message telling me that she f*cked someone Sat night and is depressed, because he's not interested in a relationship and she can't have this "beautiful creature". She cushioned the message in a sympathetic fasion, like life is suffering, you're not alone sort of way, but something about it seems calculated to hurt. Does anybody else think this is a little sadistic, or am I reading to much into it and it's just bad judgement on her part? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Does anybody else think this is a little sadistic, or am I reading to much into it and it's just bad judgement on her part? In the context of everything else you've told us about her, I think it's yet another example of the dysfunctionality she keeps trying to project away from herself and onto you. She's constantly bringing pain into your life, and the motives behind her doing that are her problem - not yours. Every hour you spend trying to work out her motives, the reasons underlying her poisonous behaviour towards you and the ways in which you might be able to get one over on her is another hour wasted. If I were you, I'd just send a brief email back saying "Sounds like a mess. Don't have time to write more just now, but I hope things get better soon." Then leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning 4 revenge Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 So Lindya ,you think that's better than not writing anything at all? This last couple of days talking to you guys, I've actually felt liberated of most of my feelings of desiring her again. Being on this site reminds me of the qualityof human beings out there. You see, part of the problem is I'm doing an online program mostly from home and I'm strapped for cash and don't have much of a social network. It's like my options are limited and I just have been making do of what's around. I really don't like her as a person. I didn't like her too much before we got involved and I don't care for her now. She was still married when I first met her and not only did she blow me the first day I met her ,but I witnessed her pick up what looked like a teenage boy and blow him in a nightclub restroom. There's no way to ever trust people like that. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 So Lindya ,you think that's better than not writing anything at all? I don't know - what would feel right to you? One of my exes was pretty cold and narcissistic. Not to the extent that gigi seems to be, but certainly he continued trying to use me as ego fuel after the relationship ended. Rather than ignoring his emails completely, I just responded to them in a neutral manner. That, for me, was part of reshaping the way I perceived him. To pull away from viewing him as this exciting person who provided an emotional rollercoaster, and retrain myself to see him as an irritatingly dysfunctional person whose news and activities were of little interest. Training yourself to view responding to that person's emails as a dull chore that you should really get around to but keep procrastinating. Associating them, in your mind, with all manner of things that bore and annoy you. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I think the way to go is complete NC. She sounds like a very bad deal - a married person who picked you up right away AND does coke? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I think the way to go is complete NC. She sounds like a very bad deal - a married person who picked you up right away AND does coke? De acuerdo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning 4 revenge Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Apparently this kid she did was 22. I just pried that info out of sis. Does'nt make me feel any better. I have got to stop asking questions Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I don't get it. You didn't like her. She's got a whackload of undesirable qualities. Please tell me that your grief over this isn't just because you never get to boink her again. Because, really, what other attraction could there have been? Link to post Share on other sites
Author burning 4 revenge Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 I think the way to go is complete NC. She sounds like a very bad deal - a married person who picked you up right away AND does coke? she's divorced now for the second time Link to post Share on other sites
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