I want to die

[norajane]

That sounds like sound advice for the female orgasm thread, but I think it's even better placed here.

 

Thanks Norajane

 

Yes, yes, ooh, yess, mmm, ahhh, yess, yes, yesss!!!

 

[Trimmer]

I think she has some serious demons, that are "burning" her up inside, and she's taking it out on everyone, including herself. My own "gigi" isn't as bitter, as mean and nasty, as self-destructive as yours, but I believe she's got her demons, too, and I can tell you that actually letting go was a great relief. And forgiving her - truly, unconditionally forgiving her, while the thought of it even now makes me sad right to my core, was one of the best things I did for myself in this whole process. Given the choice, I would still not have anything to do with her in the future (and with no kids together, complete NC is realistic for you...) But I forgave her, in my own heart, and then released her to go find her own way and battle her demons without me.

 

Well at least you guys know why I'm B4R. It's not healthy though. I want to get from here to Indifferent 2 Revenge

I'm really glad to hear you say that... Whatever it is that is burning her up from the inside is her burden. Don't burden yourself that way, too... I strongly believe that revenge is unfinshed business that just eats you up and holds you back. Forgiveness is release.

 

( And please understand b4r, in your situation, when I suggest forgiveness, I am not advocating you say to her "Oh, I forgive you and I want you back." Quite differently, I am advocating that you say to yourself: "I cast her out, I release her, I forgive her, and I'm moving on." )

 

Yes, yes, ooh, yess, mmm, ahhh, yess, yes, yesss!!!

Probably a tired line by now, but.... I'll have what she's having.

[burning 4 revenge]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post Trimmer. I don't think I ever used the word bitter ,but you picked it up. She is bitter. VERY bitter. She always has a nasty scowl on her face. I swear to god she'd almost be pretty, but for that look of subterranean hatred that's aging her prematurely.

 

Her mother left her father and her and her sisters for a much younger man, then later commited suicide when that guy left her. She really hates her mother and feels sorry for/ contempt for her weak father and I think it has something to do with her Sex in the City-I'm a bitch in the world attitutude. Maybe that's too Freudian, but it's one possibility.

[Trimmer]

b4r - is any part of what keeps you feeling connected to her a feeling like you want to help her or help fix her or anything like that? If that's part of your dynamic, realize that you can't help someone unless they are willing to recognize their need for it themselves. Otherwise, you will just go right down the drain with them...

[magichands]

Otherwise, you will just go right down the drain with them...

At least you'll be together.

 

Um... I'm not helping, am I.

[burning 4 revenge]

b4r - is any part of what keeps you feeling connected to her a feeling like you want to help her or help fix her or anything like that? If that's part of your dynamic, realize that you can't help someone unless they are willing to recognize their need for it themselves. Otherwise, you will just go right down the drain with them...

no, to be honest trimmer part of what keeps me connected to her is a deep sense of self-loathing that that creates a desire for an emotional type of sado-masochism. i can't really think of anything else. i certainly don't care if she gets better one way, or the other and i wish i'd never met the c*nt

[Trimmer]

At least you'll be together.

 

Um... I'm not helping, am I.

Well, it made me laugh - you gotta keep a sense of humor...

 

no, to be honest trimmer part of what keeps me connected to her is a deep sense of self-loathing that that creates a desire for an emotional type of sado-masochism. i can't really think of anything else. i certainly don't care if she gets better one way, or the other and i wish i'd never met the c*nt

Well, fair enough, and I had actually inferred that a little bit from the fact that you actually ask your sister for details and then agonize over what you hear - that is a bit masochistic, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, b4r...

 

I recognized it in you, as a mirror image of my own experience. In the run-up to my wife's and my decision to split, I discovered evidence of an OM, and even after we had made the final decision to split, I still couldn't let go of my detective work, still prying and digging to find any little bit of information. Even though our marriage was decidedly over, I still continued to search, and found things, and each time, it was like picking my own scabs raw again. I didn't really recognize this pattern until it was pointed out to me - I don't recall if I did anything specific to help me curb the behavior, other than clearly recognizing that it was unhealthy and that it was holding me back from healing.

 

Time to trot out the "C" word - (no, not the one you keep using to refer to your Ex!) have you thought about counseling? It sounds like you have a good handle on a couple of issues (a bit of self-loathing, a dash of masochism...) Just getting to the point of recognizing stuff like that is pretty admirable; what about trying to work some of it out with a counselor/therapist?

[johan]

no, to be honest trimmer part of what keeps me connected to her is a deep sense of self-loathing that that creates a desire for an emotional type of sado-masochism. i can't really think of anything else. i certainly don't care if she gets better one way, or the other and i wish i'd never met the c*nt

 

My theory is that the reason you keep in contact with her, tell her you love her, want her back, is because you failed so bad in so many ways with her. The only redemption is to get her back and prove that everything implied by your failure with her is not true. She walked away with your manhood (figuratively), or so that's how it feels, and so it's her from whom you must retrieve it.

 

If you were to learn to feel good about yourself, independent of her, you'd lose the urge to have any contact with her. You're looking for validation from her, because she invalidated you.

 

In my opinion you're not being very objective about yourself. You are in a hole that feels like the Grand Canyon, but isn't deep at all. You could easily step out of it if you knew the direction. LS is a good place to go for help.

[alphamale]

My theory is that the reason you keep in contact with her, tell her you love her, want her back, is because you failed so bad in so many ways with her.

hey JOHAN.....is B4R a girl or a boy? I thought a girl. hmm...i must be slipping.

[johan]

Alpha, her name is Mark. Mark, meet Alpha.

[burning 4 revenge]

My theory is that the reason you keep in contact with her, tell her you love her, want her back, is because you failed so bad in so many ways with her. The only redemption is to get her back and prove that everything implied by your failure with her is not true. She walked away with your manhood (figuratively), or so that's how it feels, and so it's her from whom you must retrieve it.

 

 

 

Man Johan, you hit the nail on the frickin head. That's exactly why it is a desire for revenge, not unrequited love that is eating away at my guts. But not just any revenge, a revenge that involves the retrieval of my manhood by her needing me again, so that everything I know to be true about the devastating and humiliating failure that occured can be negated in my mind and I can walk away free and clear. Then I can go back to pretending everything that I discovered to not be O.K. about myself is O.K. and I can once again breath in the clean air of that delusion.

[burning 4 revenge]

now maybe you'll quite flirting with me on the Israel v Nazi Germany thread

[Outcast]

There was no failure at all. Your perspective on this is all wrong; you've turned HER problems into something that you can be blamed for. It's not about you. Never was about you. You never failed. Whatsoever.

 

I do think it's time to consider therapy to get a better perspective on all this.

 

It is not and was never anything wrong you did.

[johan]

There was no failure at all. Your perspective on this is all wrong; you've turned HER problems into something that you can be blamed for. It's not about you. Never was about you. You never failed. Whatsoever.

 

I do think it's time to consider therapy to get a better perspective on all this.

 

It is not and was never anything wrong you did.

 

I agree completely, Outcast.

[burning 4 revenge]

I thank you for that Outcast, but that isn't true

 

1) First, I sexually failed

 

2) Second I let her mock me in front of her friends, I let her call me things we both know I am not , even let her continously make fun of both my mother and my sister (her supposed friend) for chrissakes

 

3) Third,I let her cheat on me, first inconspicuosly, but then flagrantly

 

4) Fourth, I begged her not to leave me/ she left me

 

5) Fifth, I begged her to come back in spit in my face all over again

 

I let her wipe her a** with me and rip my d*ck off. I want my d*ck back

[amaysngrace]

b4r...what could have possibly happened in your lifetime that made you believe you deserved this type of treatment from someone who supposedly loves you?

[Outcast]

1) First, I sexually failed

 

Your body failed you.

 

2) Second I let her mock me in front of her friends, I let her call me things we both know I am not , even let her continously make fun of both my mother and my sister (her supposed friend) for chrissakes

 

Because you were sitting there in a surreal situation having trouble believing this was happening to you.

 

3) Third,I let her cheat on me, first inconspicuosly, but then flagrantly

 

You wanted to believe.

 

4) Fourth, I begged her not to leave me/ she left me

 

You didn't want to acknowledge that it was all a mistake.

5) Fifth, I begged her to come back in spit in my face all over again

 

Because you want it to end up happily. You want her to change magically and erase all that was done before.

 

I let her wipe her a** with me and rip my d*ck off. I want my d*ck back

 

There's no 'revenge' to be gotten on her. You're mad at yourself. Understandable. However, also forgiveable. If you can't figure out why you let her do all these things, get therapy. A good therapist will point out possibile reasons that haven't occurred to you. And when you have nailed the reasons, you'll know what to aviod next time. All this anger and beating yourself up is not productive. You've been doing it for months and don't feel any better. Time to change strategies.

[burning 4 revenge]

b4r...what could have possibly happened in your lifetime that made you believe you deserved this type of treatment from someone who supposedly loves you?

 

physical attraction plus lonliness equals cuckhold

[amaysngrace]

physical attraction plus lonliness equals cuckhold

 

 

Yeah but there has to be more to it than that. People who are mentally healthy don't hook up with these types of people to begin with. I went through it, abuse. And I wasn't in my right frame of mind when I met him and kept him. Think back. Why did you hook up with her in the first place? There has to be more to it than thinking she was hot and you were lonely. There just has to be...

[burning 4 revenge]

Yeah but there has to be more to it than that. People who are mentally healthy don't hook up with these types of people to begin with. I went through it, abuse. And I wasn't in my right frame of mind when I met him and kept him. Think back. Why did you hook up with her in the first place? There has to be more to it than thinking she was hot and you were lonely. There just has to be...

 

i liked the fact that she had an english muffin and tea evey morning, even though she is jewish

 

i liked the fact that she named her six cats after the wives of Henry Vlll

 

i liked the sound of her voice

 

i liked her hairstyle

 

i liked her pouty sexy mouth

 

i liked the way she looked when she cried

 

i liked the way she wore her clothes and the way she took them off

 

i liked the sounds she made when i fingered her g-spot

 

i liked the smell of her wetness

 

i liked the fact that sometimes when everything was working right b4r could get a little bit of dicklay

[amaysngrace]

i liked the fact that sometimes when everything was working right b4r could get a little bit of dicklay

 

Oh you are a whacko. I didn't mean what you liked about her, I meant why didn't you see how she was no good for you? OMG. All this reading up on your life here on LS and the best you can come up with is to have 'dicklay'??

 

Personally I think she sensed weakness in you and knew she could control you easily.

 

Either you are still the same guy or you've grown from the experience.

 

Which is it?

[Pink Amulet]

wow that was kind of hot B4R!

[Trimmer]

There's no 'revenge' to be gotten on her. You're mad at yourself. Understandable. However, also forgiveable.

... and changeable. You are the one person in this situation who you have control over, and that's a good thing, if you apply your energies to making positive changes in yourself...

 

You know, you harbor a lot of anger towards her, but when you talk about why, it comes out as "I let her...", and "I begged her...", you've referred to self-loathing, and I wonder if your anger towards her is largely anger at yourself, redirected at her as a defense mechanism to protect yourself (understandably...) Man, b4r - that will eat you up, and you need to release it and relax it in a safe way. I didn't see you directly address the counseling suggestion - have you considered it?

[lindya]

Well, it made me laugh - you gotta keep a sense of humor...

 

Whilst adding in the necessary disclaimers and laughing smileys to indicate that you are in fact joking and this is not intended to offend anyone etc (let it go Lindya...let it go! )

 

B4R - you don't need to reclaim your manhood from this woman. She didn't steal it from you, she just colluded with you in suppressing it. Why? Maybe doing a subtle dominatrix thing allowed her to kid herself that she's the ultimate sex goddess. Her email about the guy who wasn't particularly interested in her suggests, however, that the image of her as sex goddess isn't bought by everyone....and I guess that's where you come in. She uses you, along with the various quirky affectations you described, to reinforce this false image she's trying to project to the world.

 

Every so often, we need to shed a skin that no longer fits us. No longer makes us feel comfortable. Gigi could represent the garbage you can dump that unwanted, constricting skin into....allowing you to travel onto the next stage of your life a little more lightly. If you must feel that she's stolen some part of you, let it be a part that you don't need any more.

[burning 4 revenge]

To paraphrase J from before, this thread isn't really about Gigi at all. It's about my manhood. It's about sex.

 

The reason I obsessed over this last relationship wasn't because Gigi was something special, it was because she said out loud what I feared and believed deep within in my heart. That this condition has taken away my manhood. Has made me a "p*ssy" and a f****t (nothing against real homosexuals).

 

She would speak and respond in a way most women would never dare ,but would feel none-the-less. In her own little barbarity I saw a looking-glass into a more primal instinct that most civilized people surpress. They surpress it, but it's still there. Her degredation of me felt pure and natural. That's what fascinated me about it.

 

I've spoken about my problem on other threads, but it's really the heart and soul of this thread, so I'll recap. I have some scar tissue in my pelvis, not visible, that has affected the function of some of the veins involved in the erectile process. The resulting problem is called a venous leak. It means I get normal blood-flow into the penis, but it doesn't stay trapped so the erection slowly deflates. Cialis and Viagra help, but I still end up with a semi-rigid erection and one that is difficult to ejaculate from during vaginal. During masturbation it works fine, but I guess there isn't enough pressure in vaginal, especially with someone as roomy "down there" as Gigi was. Injection therapy isn't an option.

 

So the next step is ring constriction, and if that eventually fails it will mean an implant. I get back full insurance in the fall, so I really don't know yet what the options will be.

 

I haven't always had this problem. It started in my mid twenties. I can't tell you the devastating psychological impact. I stayed away from dating for the last three years and only ended up with her, because she threw herself on me when her husband left her (for f*cking around). That relationship made me face this problem for the first time and with the worse possible type of person to face it with.

 

This situation has made me fear that I can never truly be loved by a woman. And what really hurts is, like a burn victim, the emotions don't adapt to the physical circumstances. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but it's a hard situation (no pun intended). I still long for the same emotional and physical connection any other healthy man does. Life is just too boring without that.

 

Sorry if I embarassed anyone,

Mark