My next chapter is about to begin

[Lor]

what you need to do is be honest with him about your frustrations. you don't have to jump down his throat or beat him over the head, or start crying but you do need to communicate your feelings with him. And, if he decides that he can't deal with it, then he's not the right guy.

 

example: I was beginning to feel like I was doing all the visiting with my new guy, and didn't feel comfortable with it. My mom told me when I was a teenager that if a guy was truely interested in me, he'd come to me instead of me always having to go to him. So! I thought about it a lot, looking at how to put it from all sides and brought it up to him. Before I even said anything he knew something was bothering me and he'd guessed that it was because I was always going to see him but he wasn't coming to see me. I asked him for one day a week to come spend the evening with me and my kids on the weeks I have them. Know what he said? "One day? Okay." too easy, I thought. I was too used to my H puting himself before me, he would have given excuses as to why he couldn't do it. It was a reality check for me--another way this guy isn't my H.......

 

try that and see what happens. don't hold yourself back in communicating. I can see you pulling away instead of pushing forward and you'll lose this guy's friendship and company. remember, he's a guy--they dont' think about this stuff.

[CryingCanuck]

Hey D,

 

I kinda remember you mentioning that you felt real weird one day about the whole thing. Maybe the guy feels vibes from you and is backing off a bit, or maybe deep down you;re not ready or sure about even trying to get into the "dating scene". I agree with Lor, be honest with him let himknow that you don;t appreciate the idea of getting together at the last minute, you;rea kinda like to know what's happening kinda gal and see where it goes from there.

 

Again, just my 2 cents

 

CC

[dgiirl]

Thanks Lor, CC. I've actually given it a lot of thought, and perhaps he has picked up on some of my uncertain feelings, and perhaps that is why he's backing off. But it still doesnt explain why he'd back off on the days we actually had plans to get together. If he was confused on my interest, and I said I wanted to get together, why would he flake out on the actual day? The time between? Sure. But the actual day of a date? Hmm I cant see it.

 

Anyways, I think I'm just going to wait and see how things go. We're still in the getting to know one another stage, I havent invested much into this relationship, so I dont think it's appropriate to have a "talk".

 

Oh well, c'est la vie

[Lor]

Could be that's his personality, too. Anymore I don't look at a timeline for "talks"....if it bothers you, say something. Would you rather find out now than a month down the line? You have questions and concerns--do you want to keep dwelling on them or let it stew and simmer?

 

'Sides, its not like you're gonna say, "Look sweetheart, I love you and since we're going to be married someday and you are the future father of my children, I would like it if you'd give me a little more notice before you cancel a date."

[anna13]

just wanted to ask how you are doing now?

[dgiirl]

Hey Anna,

 

I just read your post in Lor's thread too, and I just want to tell you that I am doing SO SO much better than when i was in the brink of separation. Honestly, 1.5+ years ago, I never ever thought I'd be where i am right now. I'm not in a relationship, have barely started dating, yet my life is still really really good. You can read my history and see where I was back then and where I am now. The trick to healing is to actively work on your progress, actively refocus your thoughts from them to us, and actively work on yourself, and in time, you will heal. I know it's so hard to keep faith in the middle of dispair, but I promise you things can and will get better if you just keep the faith. Yes, not everything will be perfect, and you will hit a few ups and downs, but overall, life can be so much better if you want it to be.

[CryingCanuck]

One thing, just came to mind about things being better.

Are they better than what they were before your X did what he did or are they better than when you were let's say 6 months ago.

The reason I ask that is yes, I'm definitely better than 3 months ago, actually I barely think of my W and yes I'm doing more on my own but am I happier? I don't think so, I miss the familiarity and truly wonder if I'll ever have that again with someone else,

I miss the comfort, but hey that's a guy thing, that's why they say, only 20 % of us ever apply for divorces...

So all in all, I think for me at least, it's day to day, bumps along the road for sure, but I'm much better than 3 months ago but not anywhere at all where I was before Oct. 15th last year. Much unhappier now....

 

CC

[dgiirl]

CC, it does take time. Remember, two months ago before my move I still had trouble letting go of some things. My move has helped me tremendously, but you know, just the other day I started crying once again. I havent done that in a while.

 

Personally, for me things are a lot better than when I was married. I was unhappy and depressed in my marriage. I was constantely worried about how I acted, if everything was perfect, and was ashamed that it wasnt. I constantely felt I was a horrible person, a selfish person. I was constantely worried I was going to lose my job. I was angry with everyone. I even started to hate the way I looked. I knew something was going on, but didnt quite understand exactly what. And I thought I was going crazy. I did not have a name to my issues, namely anxiety and depression. Now that I know I suffer from anxiety and depression, things changed drastically. I was able to look at my actions more objectively and realize that my anxiety attacks did not mean i was a horrible awful person. It didnt mean i was going crazy either because I couldnt turn it off. And more importantly, i no longer have someone in my life who simply didnt like me and made everything I was going through so much worse.

 

Do I miss my ex? Sure. I loved him. I probably still do. Is this what I wanted for my life? Not in a long shot. But I have to be honest and admit that neither was what we were living. I wanted our lives to be so much more happier, different than what we actually lived. When my exh left, I mourned more of the dreams I _wanted_ our lives to be than what we actually lived. But it took me a long time to realize that.

 

We all heal on different timelines, but on average they say it takes about 2 years to get over a divorce. Speaking with friends, they say it's more like 4 years. As long as you are seeing progress in yourself, with a few setbacks once in a while, you know you are on the right track. You also have to decide to MAKE it better. If your life is not better, it's because you chose not to make it so. As painful as this experience is, it's also a blessing. You've been given a second chance at life. You get to look at every single aspect of your life and decide what should stay and what needs to change. And if there's something you are not happy with, well, you can change that now! This past year I took a lot of challenges. I learned to do a lot of things. I did things I use to be completely petrified of doing. I challenged myself and I grew. And looking back on this past year, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I still need to keep doing it. And cc, you're doing the same! Look at what you've done recently. You're getting out and meeting people! You are starting new hobbies and activities and your breaking bad habits! All of these things are awesome and you really need to pat yourself on the back and be proud of them. And you probably would never have done any of it if this did not happen to you. You just need time to replace the old memories with new ones. But you can be just as happy if not more if you let yourself.

[mental_traveller]

Listen - just think of all the men and women stuck in a horrible marriage, who never had the guts or iniative to take control of their destiny; who never said hey it's time to move on. You've done something that many people are so *terrified* of that they never even take that step, even if it's the best thing for them. Any chump can find an apartment, just ask a real estate agent! Whereas many people can't pluck up the courage to strike out and start afresh when something as big as their marriage has gone wrong. So look on the bright side, you've already proven you can handle a lot - your fears are natural but in a year's time you'll be wondering what you were so scared about! Just think of all the potential and opportunities for you now, this time you can do things exactly as you wanted and let no one hold you back. So go for it, embrace the future and show them just how high you can fly.

[anna13]

Hey Anna,

 

I just read your post in Lor's thread too, and I just want to tell you that I am doing SO SO much better than when i was in the brink of separation. Honestly, 1.5+ years ago, I never ever thought I'd be where i am right now. I'm not in a relationship, have barely started dating, yet my life is still really really good. You can read my history and see where I was back then and where I am now. The trick to healing is to actively work on your progress, actively refocus your thoughts from them to us, and actively work on yourself, and in time, you will heal. I know it's so hard to keep faith in the middle of dispair, but I promise you things can and will get better if you just keep the faith. Yes, not everything will be perfect, and you will hit a few ups and downs, but overall, life can be so much better if you want it to be.

Thanks so much , It is hard I have ups and downs day to day , everything is a reminder of what myhusband and i did together before or what i wanted to do together (before )in the future. It helps to know that no matter what good or bad life moves on and time heals. I think i am struggling but reading posts like yours shows me that no matter how down I am , doesnt mean that this is the end of the road. and there is a future I cannot see waiting for me. I am still hoping for a reconciliation with my husband but I am preparing for the worst right now as well. I am feeling a bit numb now, and that is scary . Thank You for your positive words and encouragement.

[dgiirl]

I'm sick to my stomach. I did something stupid and found my ex's myspace account and low and behold the tramp is still in his life. I'm speechless. I'm angry. I'm on the verge of tears. Half of me realizes what else did I expect? Of course he's still with the bitch. They're both liars and deserve each other. I'm just shocked they are _still_ together. I'm jealous that he seemed to have moved on with absolutely no trouble at all. That my life was simply discarded and thrown to the side and this bitch gets to take my life over. I hate them both for the pain they caused me and neither of them even cared.

 

I knew better, yet I still looked. I should not have looked.

[ilmw]

I'm sick to my stomach. I did something stupid and found my ex's myspace account and low and behold the tramp is still in his life. I'm speechless. I'm angry. I'm on the verge of tears. Half of me realizes what else did I expect? Of course he's still with the bitch. They're both liars and deserve each other. I'm just shocked they are _still_ together. I'm jealous that he seemed to have moved on with absolutely no trouble at all. That my life was simply discarded and thrown to the side and this bitch gets to take my life over. I hate them both for the pain they caused me and neither of them even cared.

 

I knew better, yet I still looked. I should not have looked.

 

I hope you are ok?

 

Its so strange how we.. as people do things we know we shouldn't do.... curiosity..... is such a curious thing:)

 

ilmw

[Lor]

I'm sick to my stomach. I did something stupid and found my ex's myspace account and low and behold the tramp is still in his life. I'm speechless. I'm angry. I'm on the verge of tears. Half of me realizes what else did I expect? Of course he's still with the bitch. They're both liars and deserve each other. I'm just shocked they are _still_ together. I'm jealous that he seemed to have moved on with absolutely no trouble at all. That my life was simply discarded and thrown to the side and this bitch gets to take my life over. I hate them both for the pain they caused me and neither of them even cared.

 

I knew better, yet I still looked. I should not have looked.

 

So Sorry D. I really really hope you're okay.

 

When are you gonna be able to mentally let his sorry-azz go? Only half of you expected it? It shouldn't have been a surprise. yeah, they do deserve each other ~ and there's nothing you can do to stop it ~ which you know. Seeing his myspace just hit the nail home, I hope.

 

as far as her taking your life over ~ she took over the spot he kicked you out of. and let her have it ~ you wouldn't want to be in that spot anymore, right? You've found out how selfish and self-centered he is, how little he cared for your M, how little consideration and respect he gave to you. Let her take that spot, she deserves to be in that spot, you have found a much better life, and hopefully eventually with someone much better for you.

 

Keep your back straight, chin up, head held high. He doesn't deserve you and you certainly as hell don't deserve what they both put you thru.

 

http://www.myspace.com/lorlocky

[Gunny376]

Some people are born with real, beating, feeling, hurting hearts.

 

Others like the XH and his latest only having thumping gizzards!

[CryingCanuck]

As LOR said

Keep your back straight, chin up, head held high. He doesn't deserve you and you certainly as hell don't deserve what they both put you thru.

 

he doesn't deserve you, plain and simple........................................

 

Thinking of you and hoping you feel better after the shock wears off.

I wish I could say more but obviously I can't, I just don't know what to say apart from I care I'm sorry for you and hope you had a better day today.

 

I can only say hun, is I know how you feel and the pain is at times so just hard to bear, guess the good lord thinks we haven't had enough yet eh? let's hope the sun shines on us all here, at some point.

 

Your friend,

 

CC

[dgiirl]

Thank you to every single one of you. I really appreciate the support and having you guys make me realize I really do NOT want to be back with him. The last day has been really hard for me, and I felt like a knife got sent to my heart again. I've been trying to simply ignore it and not deal with it head on. I mean, I truely did love this man, with my whole heart, but I always knew deep down I meant very little to him. I was never a priority, and whenever I questioned this, he made me feel guilty for asking for attention. I think it was his way to keep me under his control, making me weak enough to doubt my own beliefs, to allow him to make very little effort in this relationship. The sad thing is, and I never knew this until he left and I started packing things up, is he's done this before to his first girlfriend. I found old letters of his first girlfriend, begging and asking him why he's not talking to her, how he could just leave their relationship without ever talking to her, especially after knowing what she's been through and her past. She was in extreme pain in this letter. What he initially told me when we first started dating is that she cheated on him. And according to this letter, nothing of the sort happened. I wish I had the knowledge to realize he was like this, that he kept things inside, that he is so arrogant to believe whatever he chooses without even asking for the truth. The man who I thought was extremely compassionate is none of the sort.

 

I am extremely lucky to have this person not in my life. And I think god purposefully removed him from my life, because at the time he left, I was starting to go down a really dark and bad place. Logically, I know all of this. Just the heart has trouble accepting it.

 

And my own fears of being alone forever creep in. I have my own baggage to work on and dont have a clue where to start.

[ilmw]

Thank you to every single one of you. I really appreciate the support and having you guys make me realize I really do NOT want to be back with him. The last day has been really hard for me, and I felt like a knife got sent to my heart again. I've been trying to simply ignore it and not deal with it head on. I mean, I truely did love this man, with my whole heart, but I always knew deep down I meant very little to him. I was never a priority, and whenever I questioned this, he made me feel guilty for asking for attention. I think it was his way to keep me under his control, making me weak enough to doubt my own beliefs, to allow him to make very little effort in this relationship. The sad thing is, and I never knew this until he left and I started packing things up, is he's done this before to his first girlfriend. I found old letters of his first girlfriend, begging and asking him why he's not talking to her, how he could just leave their relationship without ever talking to her, especially after knowing what she's been through and her past. She was in extreme pain in this letter. What he initially told me when we first started dating is that she cheated on him. And according to this letter, nothing of the sort happened. I wish I had the knowledge to realize he was like this, that he kept things inside, that he is so arrogant to believe whatever he chooses without even asking for the truth. The man who I thought was extremely compassionate is none of the sort.

 

I am extremely lucky to have this person not in my life. And I think god purposefully removed him from my life, because at the time he left, I was starting to go down a really dark and bad place. Logically, I know all of this. Just the heart has trouble accepting it.

 

And my own fears of being alone forever creep in. I have my own baggage to work on and dont have a clue where to start.

 

Dgiirl...you kinda already answered some of your question already.

 

You recognised that you are lucky your ex is no longer in your life and you fell liberated to be on your own...

 

Your fear of being alone is natural because... well we all feel afraid to be alone... and we yearn for happier days.... its only natural.... we all want to be happy....

 

You have shown much strength since I began reading your posts... you will get it back... if right now you don't feel like you do.. you are doubting yourself.. but you know you will be ok:)

 

Keep your chin up sunshine:D

[Gunny376]

As LOR said

 

 

he doesn't deserve you, plain and simple........................................

 

Thinking of you and hoping you feel better after the shock wears off.

I wish I could say more but obviously I can't, I just don't know what to say apart from I care I'm sorry for you and hope you had a better day today.

 

I can only say hun, is I know how you feel and the pain is at times so just hard to bear, guess the good lord thinks we haven't had enough yet eh? let's hope the sun shines on us all here, at some point.

 

Your friend,

 

CC

 

 

The British and the Canadian's have such a way with words!

[dgiirl]

My uncle's sick and he's currently in the hospital. I was able to speak with him yesterday over the phone. He went through a divorce about 15-20 years ago when I was a kid.

 

"You come into this world alone and you leave this world alone. People will come and go through out your entire life, but you will always be the only one there through out it all. Be good to you _first_ and then to others when it doesnt conflict with your own truth".

[ilmw]

My uncle's sick and he's currently in the hospital. I was able to speak with him yesterday over the phone. He went through a divorce about 15-20 years ago when I was a kid.

 

"You come into this world alone and you leave this world alone. People will come and go through out your entire life, but you will always be the only one there through out it all. Be good to you _first_ and then to others when it doesnt conflict with your own truth".

 

There is some food for thought eh?

 

Hope your uncle gets better....

[dgiirl]

Thanks ilmw. Sadly, he's got cancer, and I dont think he has much time left.

 

And I just got another call from my lawyer. Once again, another hitch and the court is requesting more info. God, I just want this to be over with. At EVERY single turn, there's been something that's holding the divorce up. I'm a little spiritual and believe that when you keep hitting obstalces over and over and over again, it means something. I dont know if it means anything, what it means or what I'm suppose to do to get past it. Maybe i'm just suppose to learn to not worry over the small details. I dont know. I just want it over.

[Lor]

I'm a little spiritual and believe that when you keep hitting obstalces over and over and over again, it means something. I dont know if it means anything, what it means or what I'm suppose to do to get past it. Maybe i'm just suppose to learn to not worry over the small details. I dont know. I just want it over.

 

Hey, D. One thing hitting the obstacles may be allowing you do to is to be sure that you do want it over, have the time to heal yourself, the time to see what a slimebag he is, to see him in the light for what he is.

 

Everytime you hit a snag, you're one step closer, not one step back. Hang tough! Real honest-to-God, good, caring, wonderful men do exist out there and he's just waiting for you to cross his path. When and where only He knows.

[ilmw]

Thanks ilmw. Sadly, he's got cancer, and I dont think he has much time left.

 

And I just got another call from my lawyer. Once again, another hitch and the court is requesting more info. God, I just want this to be over with. At EVERY single turn, there's been something that's holding the divorce up. I'm a little spiritual and believe that when you keep hitting obstalces over and over and over again, it means something. I dont know if it means anything, what it means or what I'm suppose to do to get past it. Maybe i'm just suppose to learn to not worry over the small details. I dont know. I just want it over.

 

Ohhhh...sorry to hear about your uncle... Can't imagine what your family is going through..with coping with his sickness...

 

As for the lawyer stuff.... its amazing how they keep finding these hitches... How much actually is your marriage tangled that there is all these hitches.... is your stbxh...screwing around and causing problems... or the lawyers just gouging you both???

 

Got to see the spiritual side of you is keeping your spirits up.. staying strong...

 

"You can do it"..(spoken in a terrible attempt at a mexican accent) (ala The water boy)

 

ilmw

[CryingCanuck]

As if you haven;t enough on your plate with La Belle Province having a field day and the lawyers making a wee bit more from you...

 

You're absolutely right hun, those bumps must mean something, what? who the heck knows, but they sure force us to slow down some.. Maybe we're moving too fast and we need that time to heal before we make more mistakes... who knows eh?

 

My hands are so full of stuff right now, I see a lawyer tomorrow, just to get the paperwork drafted in the event I eventually do decide to file. My X was here yesterday for an assault couseling session and stayed here...... I can;t believe how far gone she is and just how desperate she is to find some kind of normalcy..... Too bad, it really was here but it's gone now, neither son wants to talk to her and my youngest who acted as if nothing bothered him about what she had been up to spoke to me and finally started letting it out about how deceived he feels and wonders if he can ever believe his mother again... The pain just keeps on rolling in..........

 

Eventually it will make us guys a bit stronger but so hard to bear ...

 

Your uncle is very wise about all the people who enter our lives... So true...

[dgiirl]

I really do not know why there's so many problems with our divorce. My exh and I have always remained as civil with one another as much as possible. We did not fight over anything. Although he's a complete jerk on what he did to me, I can honestly say that we kept our dignity when it came to the details of the divorce. Like it was too amicable.

 

Right now, my exh isnt the problem. It's the people who review the papers before it goes to a judge. I'm 3 months shy of my 2nd year anniversary of d-day, and we're still not divorced. I certainly do not feel married anymore, but I would like to have this resolved. And everytime I talk to someone new, I feel the need to explain my situation. Not in great detail, but I'm still not divorced so I feel a need to be honest about that and mention it.

 

Sheesh, getting married was a snap... Getting a divorce has been extremely difficult. A divorce that I never even wanted, yet I initiated since asshat wasnt going to do jack squat.