What do I do next?

[Chump64]

Instead of focusing on her signals and trying to win her over, why not encourage her to end her abusive marriage? If she isn't happy and is being hurt, then there is no need for her to cheat and sneak around. She deserves to be happy and free, not tied down to a man who doesn't respect her as a women. And since ther eare no kids involved, what does she have to lose?

 

 

This is an excellent point. If she is being abused, what do you think he will do to her when he finds out she if screwing another man? It won’t be pleasant. Do you want to be partly responsible for him beating the crap out of her?

 

Help her out. Encourage her to get counseling. Gather some info on domestic violence and share it with her. If you really care about her and are serious about trying to help her, you will do that – HELP her get out of her situation, to the extent that you can. It’s really up to her, bottom line. But she is in a bad spot and needs some guidance. She doesn’t need to put herself in a worse spot than she’s already in. And by getting involved with her in an inappropriate way, you will be complicating her situation and making her life worse.

 

And I really don’t think you care about her. You said yourself, all you really want is to get laid.

 

....as long as I do her, I don't care.

 

 

Yeah. Nice guy. (note sarcasm)

 

I am sorry for harshin’ on ya, but you want people to think you are a sensitive and caring guy who is trying to help this downtrodden woman while befriending her. Yet the truth is – you even said it – you really just wanna get into her skirt. That’s just cold and selfish. So please stop trying to pass this off as you caring about her / wanting to help her. Again, you will only make her situation worse. Help her by encouraging her to get of that bad situation. Then she can be all yours, no strings attached.

 

That’s the best advice you are going to get here, though I am pretty sure you very likely to disavow and advice that means you have to keep your pecker in check.

[1976]

No, thats good advice, I won't ignore good advice. I just gotta figure out how to convince her to get the help she needs.

[whichwayisup]

Strongly suggest to her that she needs to talk to someone, a therapist, about her abuse. Start from there. Hopefully she'll be open to that idea.

[Ladyjane14]

I just gotta figure out how to convince her to get the help she needs.

 

You can't make anybody get help, even if they need it.

And to be honest, I'm not convinced that this gal is really being abused. Almost EVERY cheating spouse claims abuse in one form or another. Internet cheaters in particular tend to be lonely people looking primarily for support and sympathy. The more pitiful the tale, the bigger the payoff.

 

Call me skeptical, but back in the wilder days of my youth, I only had one guy try to get physically abusive with me. I dumped him on the spot and NEVER entertained the notion of taking him back. So, we're not talking about something that can't be done here. If she's REALLY being abused, then the smart money would be to get herself out of the situation. That's not rocket science. And it doesn't require a 'knight in shining armor' to help you get up off your ass and walk out the door. There are all sorts of social services to help a woman do that if she's scared.

 

All that said, there IS a way you can give her some impetus. And that is to WITHDRAW from the conflict. Your situation is no different essentially than any OW/OM posting in that particular forum. The cheater is having her ENs fulfilled by both spouse and affair partner. She's eating cake. In order to assist her with clarifying her choices.... you take the cake off her plate by going 'no contact'.

 

This creates a vacuum effect. She no longer has YOU in her life making her bad marriage tolerable. She must find a way to get her ENs met with only ONE man.... either you or her husband.

 

You should understand that this method will not guarentee you the result you're looking for. Only about 3% of affair partners ever end up together in a successful long-term relationship. But NC isn't just about clarifying the MW's choices. It's more important function is to remove YOU from the chaos and start you back down the path to peace of mind.

 

You might consider starting a thread in the OW/OM forum. There are several people posting there who are currently in various states of NC. They can give you more insight and information.

[Lennox]

Michael,

 

You sound like you have already fallen in love with her, whether you are admitting this or not. After reading all your posts and others here, it is obvious that you do love her and want to be with her. If you think that you 'just want to get into her pants' then you are fooling yourself. You are in for some serious heartbreak because she is married, and it doesn't look like she will leave him.

 

I am in a similar situation as you. Like you, I talk myself into believing that all I want from my MM is sex.

 

If you are spending this much time thinking about her and trying to 'figure her out' then you are definitely thinking about her way too much! This is a woman that you care about deeply.

 

I don't have any advice on how to get her out of your head. However, you may find this thought soothing: if she is meant to be with you, she will do what it takes to be with you... the right way. The ball is really in her court.

I disagree. He's not in love with her in the least bit. He's looking to get laid and her "abusive" husband is what he attributes as the cause of his future sexual relationship with this woman. Throughout this thread, his focus has been on her "mixed" messages and whether he's going to get laid or not. If he truly had feelings of concern for her well being, he would have put his own feelings aside and made the focus on her getting out of her abusive situation, not banging her while she's in it and causing her even more confusion by throwing in infidelity into her mess and the guilt that comes along with it. By being open to a sexual relationship with her, he knows damn well that it's going to cause that guilt and even work to making her stay with her abusive husband out of guilt instead of rightly getting away from him if he's really being abusive towards her.

 

She should do herself a huge favor and get rid of BOTH of these clowns from her life.

[1976]

Again, name calling. Its hard to take anyones advice when all they do is insult you. I see a pattern with 90% of you. No wonder your on here,name calling, insults,know it all attitudes. you called me a "clown", you don't even know me!

[Sand&Water]

Again, name calling. Its hard to take anyones advice when all they do is insult you. I see a pattern with 90% of you. No wonder your on here,name calling, insults,know it all attitudes. you called me a "clown", you don't even know me!

 

What did you expect when you came to post your situation?

 

There is always, a chance, that people will insult you no matter whether your actions speak good or bad.

 

But, yes, the bashing has gone a little out of hand. You must understand, though, that you're trying to attempt the impossible.

 

It's forbidden, yet you don't see any Red Flags.

 

Some people, are just trying to make you wake up, and smell the train wreck that's about to be played.

[Blind Illusion]

You can't make anybody get help, even if they need it.

And to be honest, I'm not convinced that this gal is really being abused. Almost EVERY cheating spouse claims abuse in one form or another. Internet cheaters in particular tend to be lonely people looking primarily for support and sympathy. The more pitiful the tale, the bigger the payoff.

 

.

 

That is kind of heartless, no?

 

Did you ever stop to think that maybe not everyone lives in this ideal world. You might be secure enough to drop the physical abuser on the spot & while I laud you for that, I can also have compassion for those less secure.

 

This lack of security is partly why it seems that many cheating women claim abuse. Only they aren't just claiming to be physically or verbally abused, often they are. Their low self-esteem might partially preclude them from thinking they can make it without the bozo in their lives. And then, some other man appears, who might be married, and they absorb his attention and decency and warmth like a sponge before they are even aware of what is happening. Sometimes, this boost to her self esteem sets in motion for her to leave the abuser after all, even if she is not going to live happily ever after with the other person.

 

We can only take a post at face value. You claim you left a physical abuser on the spot. I believe you. 1976 claims to have seen evidence of bruises on his potential MW and I believe that too. That being said, this particular woman is not one to just be claiming abuse. The thread should concentrate on that.

 

The thread is basically about a man who is at a crossroads in life regarding his soon to be defunct marriage. He befriends a woman , who happens to be married and in a physically abusive relationship. He is not sure of some mixed signals he has been receiving and wants imput on what could be going on and how he might proceed.

 

What he gets is a lot of preaching and moralizing, some derisive 'suggestions' , & being told he is merely out for his sexual pleasure. If that isn't bad enough, let's throw in some debate about what topics belong on what forum and talk about some other disinterested party (Karis) and which Love Shack members were interested or "too happy" with the new direction in her life.

 

I just don't know, Fellow Love Shackers, if perhaps a little more humility and empathy is in order.

[Lennox]

Again, name calling. Its hard to take anyones advice when all they do is insult you. I see a pattern with 90% of you. No wonder your on here,name calling, insults,know it all attitudes. you called me a "clown", you don't even know me!

I know enough about you just by your own words. If you would have come on here and said the following, I would have a different perspective of you:

Hello there. I am a man in a concerning situation. I am separated from my wife and will be divorced in 8 months. I have met a really nice lady that I am admittedly physically attracted to that is married. She tells me that her husband is physically abusive towards her and has been for years. She is physically attracted to me as well. Although I don't think I could ever say no to a physical relationship with her, I am MOST concerned about her having living in a physically abusive situation. What can I do to help her get out of her situation? I want to be a true friend to her, no matter what ultimately winds up happening between the two of us.

 

But no, you're worried about getting laid and you don't care about the husband. Despite the fact that you KNOW she's in an abusive situation, you want to further put her in a place where if her husband found out she cheated on him, he will abuse her more or even kill her. And you don't give a damn because all you're worried about is the "mixed signals".

 

You are acting like a clown.

 

*edit to add: You already know the husband is abusive towards her...what do you think he'll do to you once he finds out you've been sniffing up her tree? Think about what you're doing before you leap in the middle of this mess.

[1976]

You get on here and tell me "how I should have worded" my situation to get a better response, ever stop and think that you to perhaps could word your responses differently and get a better response?

 

Maybe if you took the time and read the other posts, I am not fixated on getting laid.

 

Thanks Blind illusion, you seem to at least understand the situation. I have a feeling that alot of these posters have a grudge against the "other", and are taking it out on me.

[1976]

And another thing. My mother was abused for years by my biological father, and thought it was "love" and stayed. Until he was killed when I was 5. Its not easy to just walk out, as you "experts" seem to claim.

 

And if she decides to leave him? You think he will just let her go? He'll probably kick her ass, and "convince" her to stay. The poor woman is probably scared to death, no matter what road she takes. Talking about getting abused is not easy, so its not an everyday conversation we have. I don't know every detail, I don't know all there is to know about this woman. The only thing I know is what situation I am in, and asked for some constructive advice on how to proceed.

 

if she wants me as a friend, I'll act like a friend

if she wants me as a lover, I'll act like a lover

You can't act like both, lord knows I wouldn't want a friend, I am confiding in trying to get in my pants, so the mixed signals have me undecided on what angle to approach her. Instead, I get Dr Phil wantabe's calling me names, questioning my whole entirety by what, 25 posts? Pretty judgemental board here.

[Ladyjane14]

I have a feeling that alot of these posters have a grudge against the "other".....

 

Too right. I for one, have ZERO compassion for people who go around looking for trouble.... and when they find it, they're suddenly some kind of victim. Crocodile tears are boring.

 

I don't believe this poster is motivated by of the goodness of his heart, and I don't believe he's acting in the best interest of his "friend". Call me jaded. Call me "heartless", but I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. All we're really hearing here is rationalizations and justifications for self-serving behavior.

 

There are RESOURCES for victims of domestic abuse. There are hotlines, police, social, and legal services. Getting a "boyfriend" is NOT a better option for a person who is in an abusive relationship. It doesn't improve the situation, rather.... it escalates the discord and significantly raises the potential for serious violence.

 

And IF this woman is actually in an abusive situation, this guy's "help" could possibly get her killed.

[1976]

Who said I was acting like a victim? Am I looking for whats best for "her"? No, I'm looking at whats best for both of us. My best interest is for her to be in my life, as a friend, OR lover. her best interest? thats up to her to decide. if she told me to hit the road tonight? I wouldn't get on here and want someone to feel sorry for me. Whatever the outcome, I got myself into this mess, I'll be the one who pays the price, I don't want, or expect pitty. What I do expect, is for some of you to step back and try giving advice in a friendly manner, instead of the condescending tone, because I can bet a weeks check that noone on this board, surfing the "infidelity" section, is living a perfect marriage.

[Trimmer]

Poster 1: I'm trying to decide what color curtains to put up in my living room.

 

Poster 1: Oh, incidentally, I didn't mention it before, but my old curtains are currently on fire.

 

Poster 2: You fool, get the heck out of your house!!!

 

Poster 1: It's really hard to take your advice when you insult me.

 

Poster 3: Don't you have a fire extinguisher in the house you idiot?

 

Poster 1: See, all of you on this board just hurl insults and ignore my original question of what color curtains to put up. I bet none of the rest of you live in completely fire safe houses either!

 

Poster 4: You know we're all being really judgemental here. A guy posts that he's having trouble choosing what color curtains to put up, and we jump all over him about safety and emergencies. That's really too bad.

 

Poster 1: Finally, someone understands me!

[1976]

Poster 5: Offers no useful advice.

[Blind Illusion]

Or....

 

Poster 1: I'm trying to decide what color curtains to put up in my living room.

 

Poster 1: Oh, incidentally, I didn't mention it before, but my old curtains WERE currently on fire. (he admits that his marriage is a fait accomplis in theory and is awaiting legal time restraints to pass before it's over in reality too) "A sample did strike me, although I am wondering about this choice & wanted imput"

Poster 2, 3 & slightly disguised facsimiles.: "What a dolt" "What a complete arseholio". Do you not realize that shades are the way to go. How can you possibly contemplate even putting up curtain in the first place.

 

Poster 5: "Well did you go to the Other Womam/Man Forum? I hear they use curtains. Sometimes. That *Karis* uses blinds, though and everyone admired them"

 

I'll still stand behind the sentiment expressed as Poster 4 because I take each post that I read, individually and realize there are always other circumstances involved. I don't normally have a 6 pack of chosen answers that fit things across the board & therefore, I constantly spew them out.

 

Very nice analogy though. I always like clever people, & clever spins even if I disagree with some of what you say. In fact, in spite of our different opinion yours is probably one of the better posts in this entire thread.

[1976]

and yes, it was a pretty good post, entertaining.

[Trimmer]

...actually, I think 1976 was saying that I'm poster #5 - "offers no useful advice" - and that was true enough, with that posting... A minor attempt at comic relief.

 

My fire metaphor was less about the OP's own marriage (which I agree with you, and I think we all now realize is a done deal, waiting for the clock to run out), and more about the possibility of an emotional/violent explosion happening within his MW's marriage. As has been pointed out here, the best we can do is take the information in someone's posts as presented. He has said she has visible bruises, she says that she is being abused, he believes that the abuse is likely to continue ("He'll probably kick her ass"), and that she "is probably scared to death."

 

In summary, he asked "what are the mixed signals about" - she's scared and confused about her marriage, her safety, and possibly whether she wants to get out or stay. Perfect recipe for mixed signals, but possibly not the issue that is the most pressing... And he asked for constructive suggestions (the subject of his original post was "What do I do next?") I believe it is constructive to suggest that even if it is 70% HER idea, having an affair with her while she is still in this apparently at-risk and potentially volatile situation is not likely to be in her best interest, if her best interest is one of his concerns, and I'll give him enough credit to believe that it is.

 

There's a fire, and you need to get out and get away, or help put it out. Don't throw gasoline around until the fire is out and things is cool off some.

 

1976 - setting aside the semantic arguments about who insulted who (and whether that should read "whom" ) where are you now? I'll listen with an open mind. Your situation looks very different now than it seemed in your initial post (at which time, we only knew that you both were married, that you didn't want to miss out on this possible opportunity for intimacy with a MW, and we didn't know until later that she was in an abusive relationship, and afraid for her safety.) You've heard some different viewpoints, and there's been a lot of noise - some of it perhaps interesting, but some just noise. Again, apart from your opinion about "this board" and all of us with our imperfect marriages, etc, where are you about your situation? I've done a lot of talking at you. Now I'll listen.

[1976]

yes, English was not my better class in high school.

No, I don't believe that everyone on this board has imperfect marriages, I believe that people trolling the "infidelity" boards, for whatever reason, have no reason to be judgemental.

 

As for my situation, what exactly do you mean? With this woman, or my life in general?

[Trimmer]

As for my situation, what exactly do you mean? With this woman, or my life in general?

 

No - not your life in general, I was just trying to bring it back around to the original reason you started the thread. Where are you on the "What do I do next?" subject? You asked, and like it or not, we gave. And gave and gave! Now I'm asking you to summarize - what do you think now?

 

I believe that people trolling the "infidelity" boards, for whatever reason, have no reason to be judgemental.

 

Fair enough - maybe not - but if you can get past some of those firmly entrenched attitudes in this thread (including mine, I'll be the first to admit) which make you uncomfortable and boil them down to their content, and maybe even poke around and review some of the other threads here, and yes, go to the OM/OW forum and look around and see the pain that gets worked out over there... I wonder if you won't start to get a picture that affairs among married people just don't usually turn out well. That's all.

 

And I would suggest that if you get a snooty, judgemental attitude from people here when you announce that you're thinking of getting it on with a married woman and specifically ask "What do I do next?", it's probably not because we think we're perfect, but because most of us, and our families, and our kids, are already damaged in some way by the very thing you are considering starting. Damage usually initiated by people who "didn't care" - sometimes others, sometimes ourselves, sometimes both. We're hurt, we're struggling, we're rebuilding; we're figuring out how to heal. So yes, we do sometimes have pretty strong feelings about the morals of entering into a relationship with someone who is married and intends to stay that way.

 

If I cared about you personally, if you were my brother, say, I would try to convince you not to make what I see as a mistake. My opinion, and disregard it if you will. Maybe things will work out great for you and the OW. Maybe this is one for the record books. Whatever you decide, I hope you will decide it with an open heart and a thoughtful mind. And I hope our discussion here, as scrappy as it may have been, will have provided you with some food for thought. Good luck.

[1976]

See, being friendly and not sarcastic wasn't that hard, was it?

 

Where do I stand now? I am going to ask her to look at her marriage, and see if she can fix it, or if she can't, what will she do to leave. If she choses to fix it, great, as long as she is happy, I'll step out of the picture. If she choses to leave, well then she has someone to talk to about it.

Until she makes up her mind, I'm going to step back.

[Trimmer]

See, being friendly and not sarcastic wasn't that hard, was it?

 

Oh, but sometimes sarcastic is still fun, oh please, oh please???

 

Sincerely, I wish you and your friend the best.

[Karis]

-- there is a thread in that forum right now, in which an OW is boasting about her "success story" (that's even the title's thread) because her married boyfriend is leaving his wife and there is even some question of whether he will fight for custody of his kids.

 

And I'm not sure you two were among them, Sami and Movinon, but there were some posters who basically patted her back for conquering a married man. Even if it meant him being sued and not being able to afford a lawyer to fight for custody / see his kids.

 

It's stomach-turning to see that billed as a "success story."

 

My dear, you don't know me and you don't know all the details of my life. My story obviously really burns your ass as you just can't stop talking about it. Where do you find the time? I wish I could fill you in on every new detail - but I am busy, busy, busy...out living my success story life with the married man I conquered, scored and stole.

 

oh, and p.s.

after reading up on your postings you come across as a very hurt and bitter little girl. You jump into posts - making sweeping generalizations and assumptions. Why do you do that? Instead of coming on here and criticizing me (and others) as often as you do, why don't you invest that time in some healthy therapy?

 

I call my story a success story.

You just don't like it because you got dumped. Sorry about your luck.

[Tim'sAngel]

Damn, I've just caught up with this thread and it has totally gotten off topic. I'm surprised the mods aren't all over this!!

 

1976, I'm going to stick w/your original post. I'm not going to bash you, call you names, or try to convince you to do what "I" think you should do. I'm just going to lay down facts the way I see it.

 

I don't know the character of this women. She may be abused and wanting an outlet to get away from her horrible married life. She may be playing the abuse card to get attention and justify cheating on her spouse, or who knows, maybe shes just bored. I just don't know her... but for whatever reason she is looking outside of her marriage, it isn't a good idea for several reasons, not just morally.

 

As for her mixed signals, this should be obvious. Just look back on some of these post in your spare time and you will that all these men and women who entered into a relationship w/either an MM or MW and it never turned out like they thought it would, it always went wrong and someone always got hurt. I don't understand what it is about you that you cant see that.

Surely this women is aware of that and is having a hard time deciding whether its worth the risk. And JMO, you should be thinking about it too. You act so oblivious to the situation as if nothing could go wrong. And again, I'm not talkin about morals, although those come into play as well.

 

I think the women on here are all going through s*** of their own, so when they see someone heading for trouble it knocks them off their feet. LS can get pretty judgmental. I've been called a slut, a whore, been told lots of s*** but you gotta take it with a grain of salt. Some do have some good points though, you just gotta weed thru the critism to find it.

 

Please reconsider what you are doing and try to look at it in a different light. Consider the consiquences.

[Tim'sAngel]

Where do I stand now? I am going to ask her to look at her marriage, and see if she can fix it, or if she can't, what will she do to leave. If she choses to fix it, great, as long as she is happy, I'll step out of the picture. If she choses to leave, well then she has someone to talk to about it.

Until she makes up her mind, I'm going to step back.

 

I think that is very wise