Author Mresponse Posted July 8 Author Posted July 8 I am in my early 30's and every partner of mine has left me. Now I feel fundamentally flawed and unlovable. I see a therapist and have tried to do the work but I seem to still not be enough. Now with this being the longest period of me being single, paired with my age..I feel like there is no hope. How do I grieve the husband and children I will never get to have and find purpose is a lonely life? I have a good career, stable family and take care of myself physically
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8 Posted July 8 Kindly, I remember your last thread - have you booked an appointment with a psychiatrist? It was clear from that thread a therapist likey cannot address deeper issues that you seem to struggle with.
Author Mresponse Posted July 8 Author Posted July 8 39 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Kindly, I remember your last thread - have you booked an appointment with a psychiatrist? It was clear from that thread a therapist likey cannot address deeper issues that you seem to struggle with. Hi! My therapist said that its common to experience this type of grief and panic for women in their early 30s. My new therapist said she went through the same thing around my age-Working on dealing with these thoughts with EDMR therapy and looking for others in forums who might have similar experiences! Working on it
smackie9 Posted July 8 Posted July 8 Well lets take a look at the reason why these people left. Was it from jealousy? Insecurity? money issues? What is the repeat behavior?
Author Mresponse Posted July 8 Author Posted July 8 7 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Well lets take a look at the reason why these people left. Was it from jealousy? Insecurity? money issues? What is the repeat behavior? My other post kinda goes into it all (thats what the other commentor is referencing ). BF#1- told me I loved him more than he loved me. He admitted to cheating, I tried to move past it but he then broke up with me again because I couldnt stop being emotional about it. He pleaded to come back into my life for the year following -this relationship definitely made me more closed off BF#2- a superficial friend like relationship. he broke up with me because he wasnt in love and we shared no depth BF#3-I left this one the first time- I left because we were isolated and a bit co dependent, he got two DUI's (one which caused his license to be partially revoked while we were dating), he got super sad and wouldnt workout and lost his job a few times. He would get anxious if I went too long without texting. I got a once in a lifetime job opportunity in a new city that would make me have to live elsewhere for a bit. I took the job and he didnt want to talk about how we'd close the gap and attempted to buy a home in our original state without my opinion which made me feel alone and like he didnt want o commit to us BF#4 Felt unstable from the beginning. Found him on hinge while we were dating, got defensive when I brought up hurt, called me a name that hurt me, continued to get fired, didnt manage his finances and didnt show up for my birthday. MY mistake here was continuing to bring up past hurt because it never felt resolved due to his defensiveness, he had a few events I didnt show up for either because of work or I was invited last minute, him moving when we first started dating stressed me out and I had a hard time incorporating him into my family. IT gave me anxiety becuase I never felt fully safe and seen with him and thats on me. In the end, he felt like he couldnt make me happy and was tired and felt less than BF#3 (again)- I reached back out to bf 3 at the beginning of the year wanting to rekindle. We lived in different states so reconnecting was mainly over facetime. He left me due to: 1.after a miscommunication or argument I like to take time for myself so I can regulate my feelings and come back to the conversation with a clear, healthy mitigating mindset. Space makes him anxious and he called me immature for it 2. I missed a big for connection. he said "maybe we can have a call to talk about our next trip this weekend". Instead of just agreeing I started texting the logistics 3. I went on a last minute work trip and texted him a picture of the skyline when I landed. He would have rather known about the trip in advance so this made him feel boxed out 4. The weekend leading up to the trip he asked how my weekend was going- my credit card had been stolen so I was sorting everything out for 6 hours. I texted him after, apologized for the delay and just told him it had been a meh weekend. He was upset that I didnt go into detail about the weekend but he could have asked. He was also upset with the amount of time that went by before I responded. None of these concerns were brought up to me until resentment was formed. He told me all this at once and then broke up with me. I would have loved to fix all of these things if I had known. But I do feel like its too late for me to find love at my age so just trying to figure out how to stop being distressed about my life path
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8 Posted July 8 57 minutes ago, Mresponse said: Hi! My therapist said that its common to experience this type of grief and panic for women in their early 30s. My new therapist said she went through the same thing around my age-Working on dealing with these thoughts with EDMR therapy and looking for others in forums who might have similar experiences! Working on it Right, but therapists are not medical professionals.
Author Mresponse Posted July 8 Author Posted July 8 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Right, but therapists are not medical professionals. No need to worry, I am working with a team of medical professionals not just seeing a therapist
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8 Posted July 8 6 hours ago, Mresponse said: Now with this being the longest period of me being single, paired with my age..I feel like there is no hope. How do I grieve the husband and children I will never get to have and find purpose is a lonely life? Have you expressed the above to your therapists? What technqiues have they recommended to help navigate these feelings?
Author Mresponse Posted July 10 Author Posted July 10 On 7/8/2026 at 2:57 PM, ExpatInItaly said: Have you expressed the above to your therapists? What technqiues have they recommended to help navigate these feelings? Yes..and they agreed with me on how much it sucks and that its a basic human need to feel loved. One of my therapists shared that she had the same fear and love never found her and discussed what that grief felt like. They're just trying to help me mourn that this might be my forever. Techniques include ERP for the rumination, DBT group and exposure therapy. They might attempt an ssri for me again just to numb me up. Its just a living nightmare being unloved but desiring it so much. Some of us I suppose were never meant to find it
Sanch62 Posted July 10 Posted July 10 1 hour ago, Mresponse said: Yes..and they agreed with me on how much it sucks and that its a basic human need to feel loved. One of my therapists shared that she had the same fear and love never found her and discussed what that grief felt like. They're just trying to help me mourn that this might be my forever. Techniques include ERP for the rumination, DBT group and exposure therapy. They might attempt an ssri for me again just to numb me up. Its just a living nightmare being unloved but desiring it so much. Some of us I suppose were never meant to find it What is your age? Four BFs is not a lot. It sounds as though you’ve had trouble recognizing incompatibility early enough to avoid sinking too much investment into men who were not your men. You sink yourself into self blame for not behaving properly when the only proper behavior would have been to walk away to seek someone more suitable. My friend and I encountered an elderly couple in a park who appeared cuddly and happy. She said she envied their history together, and I asked why she assumed that they hadn’t just met. That might be a good question to ask yourself whenever you see a couple you envy. Your choice at any time to stop torturing yourself, regardless of any treatment you opt to pursue, will begin with a decision. 2
Author Mresponse Posted July 10 Author Posted July 10 1 hour ago, Sanch62 said: What is your age? Four BFs is not a lot. It sounds as though you’ve had trouble recognizing incompatibility early enough to avoid sinking too much investment into men who were not your men. You sink yourself into self blame for not behaving properly when the only proper behavior would have been to walk away to seek someone more suitable. My friend and I encountered an elderly couple in a park who appeared cuddly and happy. She said she envied their history together, and I asked why she assumed that they hadn’t just met. That might be a good question to ask yourself whenever you see a couple you envy. Your choice at any time to stop torturing yourself, regardless of any treatment you opt to pursue, will begin with a decision. I'm 31. I feel like no one that I know has had that many boyfriends so that's a struggle. It feels like I just handle conflict incorrectly and that I carry much of the blame. I hear you on "self blame"...but idk how to confirm that they were just the wrong ones and its not a me issue. Yes i'd really like to stop torturing myself but i'm struggling to do so because my future looks incredibly lonely and partnerless. That future feels too scary to overcome
Gebidozo Posted July 10 Posted July 10 1 hour ago, Sanch62 said: What is your age? Four BFs is not a lot. It sounds as though you’ve had trouble recognizing incompatibility early enough to avoid sinking too much investment into men who were not your men. This, exactly. OP, you’re young, you don’t have much experience, and you appear to attach yourself to unsuitable people. Those are the reasons for your relative lack of success - and they are all easily to rectify. I had more failed relationships than you but I’m now in a good relationship that started when I was 47. It’s never too late. I also know people who have never had any romantic relationship at all, but they find other things in life to draw happiness from. 1
Gebidozo Posted July 10 Posted July 10 1 minute ago, Mresponse said: I feel like no one that I know has had that many boyfriends so that's a struggle. That’s strange. Four boyfriends at the age of 31 is a low number. Most people I know, men and women, have had more. 1
Author Mresponse Posted July 10 Author Posted July 10 43 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: That’s strange. Four boyfriends at the age of 31 is a low number. Most people I know, men and women, have had more. I think there are a few reasons for that- 1. all of my relationships lasted for more than a year (1-3yrs) 2. I might just be undesirable. This is the longest time i've been single and I dont feel like anyone is interested. I feel like just the leftovers
Author Mresponse Posted July 10 Author Posted July 10 46 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: This, exactly. OP, you’re young, you don’t have much experience, and you appear to attach yourself to unsuitable people. Those are the reasons for your relative lack of success - and they are all easily to rectify. I had more failed relationships than you but I’m now in a good relationship that started when I was 47. It’s never too late. I also know people who have never had any romantic relationship at all, but they find other things in life to draw happiness from. In the south I feel like the 30s are seen as old and like something is wrong with me because I never found someone who wanted to marry me..I jsut dont seem to connect well with many. Thank you for you input! I hope you are right
Gebidozo Posted July 11 Posted July 11 7 hours ago, Mresponse said: I might just be undesirable. 7 hours ago, Mresponse said: I feel like just the leftovers Well, obviously the problem is not your actual dating life but your mindset, then. Prince Charming might fall in love with you tomorrow and that relationship still won’t work because of the way you’re thinking. You shouldn’t be planning to date until you get rid of that extremely unhealthy and destructive mindset.
Gebidozo Posted July 11 Posted July 11 7 hours ago, Mresponse said: In the south I feel like the 30s are seen as old and like something is wrong with me because I never found someone who wanted to marry me..I jsut dont seem to connect well with many. Thank you for you input! I hope you are right South of what? Who cares what an age is “seen” as? Who cares what people think about you? It’s about you and your personal freedom, not some made-up societal “norms”. You don’t “find someone who wants to marry you”. If you start with that kind of requirement then no wonder it doesn’t work. 2
Sanch62 Posted July 11 Posted July 11 At 31, lots of people are just getting started. They’ve had their share of throwaway relationships and view themselves as experienced enough to bring some confidence into getting down to some serious screening. They stop playing with party girls and boys, they upgrade the people they hang with to mature peers, and they participate in their community, causes, and interests that are meaningful to them rather than playing dress up to hookup. G is right; your mindset creates your future. If you want to remain locked down on your pessimism, you’re more likely to experience the outcome you fear. We can’t change your mind; that’s an inside job.
smackie9 Posted July 11 Posted July 11 (edited) What I see is someone who continues to or chooses to date someone you already know isn't right for you. You ignore all the red flags just to be in a relationship. You base your self worth on you being in a relationship hence you feeling in a panic, worry being single. you need to love yourself, and create substance, self awareness, and just being happy with yourself. When you get to a point in your life finding joy about just being you, and just being happy....you will attract better men. Positivity, independence, happiness, confidence, emotional intellect. Edited July 11 by smackie9 1
Author Mresponse Posted July 16 Author Posted July 16 On 7/10/2026 at 9:16 PM, Gebidozo said: Well, obviously the problem is not your actual dating life but your mindset, then. Prince Charming might fall in love with you tomorrow and that relationship still won’t work because of the way you’re thinking. You shouldn’t be planning to date until you get rid of that extremely unhealthy and destructive mindset. I feel this way because I made my last partner so upset- its like my flaws are too big to love but I don't know how to show up without flaws. It makes me feel like i'm missing something/ not socially aware enough. The fact that he didnt even respond to my heartfelt message asking for clarity has ruined me.
Author Mresponse Posted July 16 Author Posted July 16 On 7/11/2026 at 3:00 PM, smackie9 said: What I see is someone who continues to or chooses to date someone you already know isn't right for you. You ignore all the red flags just to be in a relationship. You base your self worth on you being in a relationship hence you feeling in a panic, worry being single. you need to love yourself, and create substance, self awareness, and just being happy with yourself. When you get to a point in your life finding joy about just being you, and just being happy....you will attract better men. Positivity, independence, happiness, confidence, emotional intellect. Romance What about the last guy though? I truly saw a future with him and we once had what felt like an incredibly safe love. I fear that even if I love myself again I will continue to be unworthy because of my faults
Alpacalia Posted July 16 Posted July 16 On 7/8/2026 at 5:06 AM, Mresponse said: I am in my early 30's and every partner of mine has left me. Now I feel fundamentally flawed and unlovable. I see a therapist and have tried to do the work but I seem to still not be enough. Now with this being the longest period of me being single, paired with my age..I feel like there is no hope. How do I grieve the husband and children I will never get to have and find purpose is a lonely life? I have a good career, stable family and take care of myself physically Every partner I've had, I left. Makes me wonder if the problem was actually me, you know? Not in a self-blaming way, but like... I had to ask myself what I was doing differently or what I wasn't seeing about myself that kept making me want out.
Guest Posted yesterday at 03:05 PM Posted yesterday at 03:05 PM Kind of a follow up on my last post-I’ve been seeing a therapist and I feel like I’m receiving mixed messages with no clear understanding of why it feels like there’s not room to make mistakes in relationships and I’ll always be left . I’m struggling to make full sense of my part. Basically I have patterns and they had patterns. Some relationships they said I stayed too long and others I have anxious avoidant tendencies- I care immensely but I need space to collect my thoughts after a painful rupture to come back to the convo as healthy as possible. I hate this part of me- I only mean well by it..my brain really processes heavy emotions slowly. fear they’ll leave because I do something not perfectly right is a big thing for me and I’ve never been proven wrong Below is an excerpt from an email I got from my therapist yesterday when our session triggered deep grief and self hatred for not making my partner feel fully loved and safe. The level of affirmation concerns me because “not your fault” does not assist in me figuring out why I lose people- I am the common dominator after all: “The messages you are sharing about what you are telling yourself is that “you are flawed” and that was NOT the purpose of sharing your story. Your story is not perfect, as you and I admit, but I also see you putting 100% of yourself at fault. Your story of regret does not reflect you are at fault or flawed. Quite the opposite, as you are resilient and you know what you want. You did not fail in that relationship. I know you won’t believe me. Relationships takes two people, and I would like you to see you are not 100% of any relationship. You are not flawed and you did not fail and it is not your fault. Thank you for sharing our words. It is truly helpful to get your insight of your views. You are a beautiful person. we will stay away from the past as it is not good to dive deep into it if it hurts this much. I value you are a good communicator. “
ExpatInItaly Posted yesterday at 06:32 PM Posted yesterday at 06:32 PM 3 hours ago, Anonymous said: The messages you are sharing about what you are telling yourself is that “you are flawed” What messages is your therapist referring to? 3 hours ago, Anonymous said: that was NOT the purpose of sharing your story I am also curious about this. Why is the therapist insisting on this?
Anonymous Posted yesterday at 06:43 PM Posted yesterday at 06:43 PM 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What messages is your therapist referring to? I am also curious about this. Why is the therapist insisting on this? She had emailed me thanking me for sharing my regret story (laying out the relationship, the ending and my part). I don’t know why she’s insisting so hard..I find it odd and have never had a therapist respond in such a way. I found the therapy session distressing so I emailed her back with the message below which is what she’s responding to: “As for our session the other day, it really put me into a dark place and i've been stuck there since our session. My family suggested that I reach out to you.. I ask the same questions over and over to my family and i'm left feeling that i'm too flawed for love. Our session felt affirming to me that it’s all my fault and that the relationship would still be intact if I wasn't flawed. While I want to understand what makes people leave me, it’s feeling hard to bear. “
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