What did I do wrong? :Merged threads:

[Mresponse]

I have an ex from 3yrs ago who was the best thing to ever happen to me. He brought me so much peace and being with him felt like breathing. We had to breakup due to some issues I will not speak on.

fast forward to now- I had reached out to him and we reconnected. For the past 5 months we’ve been talking daily and have seen each-other in person a few times. I thought the relationship was deepening and I thought we were in a good place. Last week he messaged me he wanted to chat over the phone to talk logistics of a potential trip together.i was overwhelmed at the time and didn’t notice he asked for a call but I did respond with logistics for the trip/ how to make it easier on him. I thought we were good, we chatted that following week while I was on a work trip. When I returned he said he felt boxed out when I didn’t respond to him wanting to call. I apologized and told him I had not realized and always wanted him to feel safe. He then retracted wanting to see me and broke up with me. I started crying and then he retracted the breakup. I was shocked and I told him I just needed a few days to collect myself/ told him how much I cared for him. He texted me reassuring messages all week saying he knew he wanted me. Yesterday he gave me a call and officially broke up with me. I feel overwhelmed and distressed. I cannot stop thinking about how I caused this breakup and wondering if I didn’t handle that misunderstanding between us well? The grief is overwhelming and I would do anything for him

Edited 7 hours ago by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

If I understand correctly, he messaged you asking for a phone call but you didn't see the message....and now he doesn't want to see you anymore?

Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who can't just call you without asking permission.  Ask yourself why you value someone who will stop seeing you because you missed a text asking for a call.   

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I cannot stop thinking about how I caused this breakup and wondering if I didn’t handle that misunderstanding between us well?

Nah, this guy was looking for a way to call this off, make you feel bad about it, and  jerk you around. Someone who actually values you and your relationship isn't going to blow it all up for that reason. He wasn't going to stick around. I can nearly guarantee it. 

10 hours ago, Mresponse said:

We had to breakup due to some issues I will not speak on

Can I ask why not? This is an anonymous forum, and most of the time when posters say something like this, it's because they are trying to control the narrative by not revealing certain information that would paint one or both parties in a less-than-favourable light. What was so awful thay you are refusing to provide context? Relationships don't exist in a vacuum and often times, past break-ups provide substantial clues to subsequent ones. 

My feeling is that there are a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle and this is not the first time this man has treated you like you are disposable. This is not really normal behaviour for a grown man who respects and values his partner. 

[Gebidozo]

A person who breaks up over some unreturned phone calls or anything like that is either manipulative or immature - or both.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you became so attached to someone who behaves like that.

It would be good if you told us why you broke up in the first place. Things don’t happen without a reason.

[Mresponse]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah, this guy was looking for a way to call this off, make you feel bad about it, and  jerk you around. Someone who actually values you and your relationship isn't going to blow it all up for that reason. He wasn't going to stick around. I can nearly guarantee it. 

Can I ask why not? This is an anonymous forum, and most of the time when posters say something like this, it's because they are trying to control the narrative by not revealing certain information that would paint one or both parties in a less-than-favourable light. What was so awful thay you are refusing to provide context? Relationships don't exist in a vacuum and often times, past break-ups provide substantial clues to subsequent ones. 

My feeling is that there are a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle and this is not the first time this man has treated you like you are disposable. This is not really normal behaviour for a grown man who respects and values his partner. 

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah, this guy was looking for a way to call this off, make you feel bad about it, and  jerk you around. Someone who actually values you and your relationship isn't going to blow it all up for that reason. He wasn't going to stick around. I can nearly guarantee it. 

Can I ask why not? This is an anonymous forum, and most of the time when posters say something like this, it's because they are trying to control the narrative by not revealing certain information that would paint one or both parties in a less-than-favourable light. What was so awful thay you are refusing to provide context? Relationships don't exist in a vacuum and often times, past break-ups provide substantial clues to subsequent ones. 

My feeling is that there are a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle and this is not the first time this man has treated you like you are disposable. This is not really normal behaviour for a grown man who respects and values his partner. 

Great questions. Thank you for your response! Reasons I broke up with him 3yrs ago: I got a promotion that would require me to move 3hrs away for a bit but not forever. I needed to take the job because it was a once in a lifetime thing and the money would help us out significantly in the future. Instead of having a conversation with me he shut down entirely. I’d bring up logistics and how to make it work and he’d just tell me he was tired of talking about it and then proceeded to look into buying a home in the state in which we met. That seemed like an odd move to me bc I wasn’t involved in the decision (later it would come out that he was doing that to try to get me to come back). Prior to this ending, throughout the relationship he wouldn’t bring up any issues or opinions of his own so the lack of healthy disagreements worried me. He also got a second dui while we were together and for me that was a concerning act because he put others lives at risk and his dad died from substance abuse. He spent the night in jail and his license got revoked for 8months. I wouldn’t say any of this was awful, more so areas to work on our communication and a desire to help him work on his mental health issues. 
we also lived in a co dependent bubble. Really only hanging out with eachother/ he’d rather be with me than with friends and if I didn’t text back in a certain amount of hours it would make him anxious which then made me anxious because I wanted him to feel safe, heard and loved but I struggled balancing connection with also maintaining a healthy life outside of the relationship. We also have different ways of regulating emotions. I like to take some space so I can process heavy emotions alone so I can be regulated in a conversation with him later. He said it was immature that I did that.

i just feel so distressed. I really care for him and I’m upset that I couldn’t seem to be there enough for him. Am I to blame/ wasn’t caring enough?

[Mresponse]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

A person who breaks up over some unreturned phone calls or anything like that is either manipulative or immature - or both.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you became so attached to someone who behaves like that.

It would be good if you told us why you broke up in the first place. Things don’t happen without a reason.

It wasn’t even an unanswered phone call. He said through text “maybe we can talk it through on a call this weekend”. I even called him later that week just to chat and he did not bring up that my lack of response made him stressed. I always want to take full accountability and understand if my actions are selfish. When he told me I was immature because I didn’t respond to the call request / did not inform him that I was traveling for work (I told him day of/ since we don’t even live in the same state I didn’t see anything wrong with how I communicated)

I responded to another commenter about why we broke up in the first place. Would love your thoughts on it because I just want to understand where I need to improve/ why I’m a bad partner. I will say the first 1.5yrs of our relationship were peaceful and it was the first time a felt safe unconditional love.

[Mresponse]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

If I understand correctly, he messaged you asking for a phone call but you didn't see the message....and now he doesn't want to see you anymore?

Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who can't just call you without asking permission.  Ask yourself why you value someone who will stop seeing you because you missed a text asking for a call.   

You are correct! He texted me “maybe we can do a call this weekend to talk logistics” and I responded by listing out the plan instead of saying “yes let’s talk this weekend”. I honestly thought nothing was wrong. I even called him later that week just to chat and he didn’t bring up his distress at all. I would have loved to mend the miscommunication with him.

i feel like I can only keep love when I am super regulated and I say everything correctly. If I have a bad day or express distress to what a partner is saying then I’m left. Maybe there is something about me that isn’t good enough…I’d do anything to keep love

[Mresponse]

He also called me “flippant” but that feels like a projection because he tried to break up with me on that call, then when I cried he retracted it and apologized for the next week saying that he knew what he wanted. He wanted me. 3 days later he broke up with me without a single tear

[Mresponse]

These are some excerpts from the texts he sent me after the first time he tried to leave 

“I understand. I never wanted the conversation to escalate to the extent it did and i don't disagree, to which that feels like a broader indictment of my ability of processing the information than it is a reflection of you.

It was scary and telt like a wound being pried open, but did a poor job communicating that, regardless of

circumstance for you, with what you going on that week thru your work trip.” 

and then during the breakup call he said he has abandonment issues and stuff going on in his brain and that he loved me and that he wasn’t going to drag me through it. He also mentioned how I made him anxious and that he was hurt from the things that happened (explained in my first message). I told him I loved every part of him and wanted to hold his hand and help him through/ told him I’d move back to where he lives and be there everyday. In the end I know I basically begged and lost control of my own tears but the level of rawness felt uncontrollable

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I responded to another commenter about why we broke up in the first place. Would love your thoughts on it because I just want to understand where I need to improve/ why I’m a bad partner. I will say the first 1.5yrs of our relationship were peaceful and it was the first time a felt safe unconditional love.

I’m sorry, but how is this:

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I got a promotion that would require me to move 3hrs away for a bit but not forever. I needed to take the job because it was a once in a lifetime thing and the money would help us out significantly in the future. Instead of having a conversation with me he shut down entirely. I’d bring up logistics and how to make it work and he’d just tell me he was tired of talking about it and then proceeded to look into buying a home in the state in which we met.

or all these

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

we also lived in a co dependent bubble. Really only hanging out with eachother/ he’d rather be with me than with friends and if I didn’t text back in a certain amount of hours it would make him anxious which then made me anxious because I wanted him to feel safe, heard and loved but I struggled balancing connection with also maintaining a healthy life outside of the relationship. We also have different ways of regulating emotions. I like to take some space so I can process heavy emotions alone so I can be regulated in a conversation with him later. He said it was immature that I did that.

…can de described as “unconditional love”, “the best thing” that ever happened to you, or something that has brought you piece?

This doesn’t even qualify as a passable relationship - more like an array of red flags describing the kind of a person you do not want to be with.

And you are blaming yourself for these unhealthy dynamics? Maybe you should, in the sense that you allowed it to happen.

Edited June 5 by Gebidozo

[Mresponse]

49 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry, but how is this:

or all these

…can de described as “unconditional love”, “the best thing” that ever happened to you, or something that has brought you piece?

This doesn’t even qualify as a passable relationship - more like an array of red flags describing the kind of a person you do not want to be with.

And you are blaming yourself for these unhealthy dynamics? Maybe you should, in the sense that you allowed it to happen.

I say it was unconditional because I could show up as my authentic self. He soothed me through a very tough job transition/ isolation when I first moved into town. He listened and we communicated well. We never argued and I didn’t feel anxious. He was so thoughtful too. When I’d come back from work trips he’d pick me up from the airport with flowers/ remembered the little things about me. What I described earlier were just the reasons I justified as a reason to breakup but all of those “negatives” seem workable/ just basic human flaws

and yes I blame myself at least for the ending because maybe I gave him a fear of abandonment due to our breakup from 3 years ago. And I blame myself bc I can’t figure out what my negative traits are/ why I was easy to leave  

[flitzanu]

5 hours ago, Mresponse said:

during the breakup call he said he has abandonment issues and stuff going on in his brain and that he loved me and that he wasn’t going to drag me through it. 

 

this is classic "it's not you, it's me" and as the others have said, this whole thing about a small incident missing a message about making a phone call is absolutely ridiculous and sounds like he is exhausting to deal with as a person

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Mresponse said:

i feel like I can only keep love when I am super regulated and I say everything correctly. If I have a bad day or express distress to what a partner is saying then I’m left.

No - that is how this man treats you. 

It's a very dysfunctional relationship, and you absolutely cannot show up as your "authetnic self" - that's impossible when you're walking on eggshells to the degree that you did with this man. 

3 hours ago, Mresponse said:

nd I blame myself bc I can’t figure out what my negative traits are/ why I was easy to leave  

Well, if you dated a better guy who actually valued you, you wouldn't feel this way. This man has been yanking your emotional chain for years and it hasn't gotten better.

It's time to do a deep-dive on your self-worth and rebuild that. When you do, you will wonder why you bothered with any of this nonsense for so long. 

 

[Mresponse]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

 

this is classic "it's not you, it's me" and as the others have said, this whole thing about a small incident missing a message about making a phone call is absolutely ridiculous and sounds like he is exhausting to deal with as a person

 

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

 

this is classic "it's not you, it's me" and as the others have said, this whole thing about a small incident missing a message about making a phone call is absolutely ridiculous and sounds like he is exhausting to deal with as a person

I appreciate your input. My question would be- is it possible I failed to make him feel safe enough upon my return? I’m sure his trust was broken since we parted ways years ago. Did I fail to provide enough validation/ reassurance that I wasn’t leaving this time around?

[Mresponse]

56 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No - that is how this man treats you. 

It's a very dysfunctional relationship, and you absolutely cannot show up as your "authetnic self" - that's impossible when you're walking on eggshells to the degree that you did with this man. 

Well, if you dated a better guy who actually valued you, you wouldn't feel this way. This man has been yanking your emotional chain for years and it hasn't gotten better.

It's time to do a deep-dive on your self-worth and rebuild that. When you do, you will wonder why you bothered with any of this nonsense for so long. 

 

I worry this derailment happened because I failed to provide enough validation that I wasn’t leaving this time/ planned on forever. Since I was the one who did the breaking up the first time years ago I wondering if he had been sitting on abandonment anxiety 

[Sanch62]

Nah, don’t pretzel yourself trying to assign yourself responsibility for someone else’s mental illness. You can’t fix it because indulging it only makes it worse. The guy has one finger poised on an eject button, and nobody can survive that.

You can tell him that he’s welcome to reach out in the future if he ever gets the professional help he needs to pursue a healthy relationship. If you’re still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, you can consider getting some help for whatever drives your willingness to settle for scraps from someone who cannot welcome the intimacy YOU need to feel comfortable and safe and relaxed about simply being yourself.

 If these are your best fertility years, and building a partnership and family are goals of yours, then don’t waste any more time on trying to turn this man into a project. Respect him and yourself by recognizing that he cannot offer you what he, himself, doesn’t possess. That’s not blame, it’s practical. Some people are best loved from far away.

[Mresponse]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

Nah, don’t pretzel yourself trying to assign yourself responsibility for someone else’s mental illness. You can’t fix it because indulging it only makes it worse. The guy has one finger poised on an eject button, and nobody can survive that.

You can tell him that he’s welcome to reach out in the future if he ever gets the professional help he needs to pursue a healthy relationship. If you’re still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, you can consider getting some help for whatever drives your willingness to settle for scraps from someone who cannot welcome the intimacy YOU need to feel comfortable and safe and relaxed about simply being yourself.

 If these are your best fertility years, and building a partnership and family are goals of yours, then don’t waste any more time on trying to turn this man into a project. Respect him and yourself by recognizing that he cannot offer you what he, himself, doesn’t possess. That’s not blame, it’s practical. Some people are best loved from far away.

I’m afraid there is something wrong with me. I have had 4 serious relationships all lasting over a year and then I get broken up with. I really want to make a partner feel loved and heard but this must mean I’m toxic in some way. Any idea on how to figure out why this keeps happening to me?

[Sanch62]

27 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

I’m afraid there is something wrong with me. I have had 4 serious relationships all lasting over a year and then I get broken up with. I really want to make a partner feel loved and heard but this must mean I’m toxic in some way. Any idea on how to figure out why this keeps happening to me?

If this guy is an example of what you’re willing to put up with, then your s*** tolerance level is too high, and the results of that follow a natural course.

The goal isn’t to keep a man, no matter what. It’s to screen out men who don’t make good and reliable partners. So if a man ends up screening himself out, that tells you you’ve been missing important information about him all along. You’ve been wasting your focus on trying to keep the wrong people satisfied instead of learning whether they own the capacity to satisfy YOUR valid desires for a secure and honest relationship.

It sounds like you confuse wanting to please with love. You’re so focused on trying to the One for someone else that you miss the most important part of choosing a partner, which requires the self respect to relax into Who You Are with a person and learn how well they resonate with your deepest desires. You can’t do that when you’re too busy tap-dancing to please. That only positions another to lose respect for you, even while he never gets to know the true you.

Nobody respects a pleaser. It demonstrates a lack of self love and self respect, and it invites another to take you for granted. Consider learning how to flip that script by passing on poor matches early. This will free you to find your REAL match. Someone who ‘gets’ you. Someone you can feel secure about being your Self with. When that dynamic is not present, he’s the wrong match. He may be lovely and have great qualities, but if you don’t share the mutual ‘click’ that locks the two of you securely in the same place, then it’s time to pass and go find the man who feels like HOME.

[Mresponse]

25 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

If this guy is an example of what you’re willing to put up with, then your s*** tolerance level is too high, and the results of that follow a natural course.

The goal isn’t to keep a man, no matter what. It’s to screen out men who don’t make good and reliable partners. So if a man ends up screening himself out, that tells you you’ve been missing important information about him all along. You’ve been wasting your focus on trying to keep the wrong people satisfied instead of learning whether they own the capacity to satisfy YOUR valid desires for a secure and honest relationship.

It sounds like you confuse wanting to please with love. You’re so focused on trying to the One for someone else that you miss the most important part of choosing a partner, which requires the self respect to relax into Who You Are with a person and learn how well they resonate with your deepest desires. You can’t do that when you’re too busy tap-dancing to please. That only positions another to lose respect for you, even while he never gets to know the true you.

Nobody respects a pleaser. It demonstrates a lack of self love and self respect, and it invites another to take you for granted. Consider learning how to flip that script by passing on poor matches early. This will free you to find your REAL match. Someone who ‘gets’ you. Someone you can feel secure about being your Self with. When that dynamic is not present, he’s the wrong match. He may be lovely and have great qualities, but if you don’t share the mutual ‘click’ that locks the two of you securely in the same place, then it’s time to pass and go find the man who feels like HOME.

Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I get what you’re saying and I know self respect is important but the thing is..this guy called me “immature” for not going into detail on why I was sad one time and for not responding to the call request- like he didn’t have a place in my life. Another ex said that he didn’t get enough of my time and he came second to friendships…I’m trying to keep a healthy work, friend and relationship balance so I don’t get too consumed in a relationship..but is it possible that on my end I am an immature communicator or selfish/ not thinking of my partner enough? I just go off of what feels healthy/ natural.

i fear I’m causing men to treat me a certain way you know? This recent ex really did treat me well first time around..maybe I’ve changed in a bad way and I’m the cause of his anxiety..is it too much to ask for communication though? I can only change behavior if someone tells me.

i feel like no matter how confident I am, men will always think I’m not enough. I don’t know how to deal with the grief of loneliness 

[Sanch62]

Either a man is a good match for your lifestyle, or not. Sure, some degree of compromise may be helpful in an already good match, but if someone resorts to moping and character assaults, that’s manipulation, not team work.

You don’t need to change the fundamentals of who you are to appease anyone. If someone asserts that you are wrong or bad for not conforming to their fantasy, that speaks of them, not you. It means they have no healthy negotiation skills to operate on the same side so that the relationship gets a win rather than imposing an unnecessary power struggle that pits you as an adversary.

Do you want to find someone healthy enough to work with you on comprises, or do you want to cater to blame for not dancing according to someone’s ideal?

You owe it to yourself to uphold standards of your own that will clarify for you whether someone is healthy and willing to negotiate for the sake of the relationship and being on the same side. If someone turns their wants into a fault-finding mission, then they are not focused on finding a solution, they are self-serving. That’s not love, it’s something else.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Mresponse said:

i fear I’m causing men to treat me a certain way you know?

No, you’re just choosing immature, controlling men.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Mresponse said:

Any idea on how to figure out why this keeps happening to me?

It sounds like your picker is broken and you choose men who are not right for you. 

Perhaps schedule an appointment with a therapist to start working on that. If what you describe here with this recent ex is a reflection of how you generally operate in relationships and the men you typically choose, well, you are your own worst enemy. 

[Mresponse]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like your picker is broken and you choose men who are not right for you. 

Perhaps schedule an appointment with a therapist to start working on that. If what you describe here with this recent ex is a reflection of how you generally operate in relationships and the men you typically choose, well, you are your own worst enemy. 

I’m so afraid that no one will ever stay and love me unconditionally. I’m scared..it’s the only thing I want in life but I feel like there’s something about me that’s not enough for all men. I understand you feel like my picker is just broken but I don’t even have the luxury of options. I don’t feel like men take interest in me

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I don’t feel like men take interest in me

How you generally meet men? 

5 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I’m so afraid that no one will ever stay and love me unconditionally

Dating men like your ex and trying to chase after him won't solve this problem. 

[Mresponse]

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How you generally meet men? 

Dating men like your ex and trying to chase after him won't solve this problem. 

 

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How you generally meet men? 

Dating men like your ex and trying to chase after him won't solve this problem. 

I meet most on dating apps (my last two relationships are from hinge). I’m very involved in my community- young professionals group, pickleball/tennis and volunteer organizations. I’ve been asked out in person through the young professionals group but all showed minimal effort when it came to dating or they were really into themselves. The other dates that came from activities were either not into me, non committal or just wanted attention. I cannot figure out if it’s something with me or something with my dating market