What did I do wrong? :Merged threads:

[Mresponse]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what strategies has she recommended to deal with this?

As it should have. I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with someone who hadn't learned his lesson from the first DUI. Choosing to put his own and others' lives at risk yet again is deal-breaking behaviour for me. 

Writing down if then statements. Basically writing down the negative thought and then redirecting it into a positive or neutral. She also recommended medication(that made things so much worse. It made me feel dead on the inside/ ambivalent. It also gave me horrible nightmares and made me sweat?), dbt group therapy and several books.

happy to hear im not alone in the concern. My thing is- the first one was when he was 18 (so basically an underage charge I could dismiss that one mentally) the second was at 25/26 when the first charge was just months away from being expunged from his record. He never blew into the breathalyzer for confirmation but according to the booking he was speeding and driving erratically. His dad died from alcoholism. I felt selfish for finding it hard to look at his mugshot/ being grossed out by me needing to drive us everywhere for 8months. It felt like I too was facing the consequences of his stupid choice. But he had what I see as rare qualities in men. Thoughtful, remembered everything about me, gave me a safe space and fully loved me/ did not give me the fear that he would cheat. All of those things I think should have canceled out his mistake- only with time have I realized how rare his great qualities are

Edited June 11 by Mresponse

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Mresponse said:

All of those things I think should have canceled out his mistake

Drinking and getting behind the wheel was not a mistake. That was a deliberate choice. My guess is that he has done this far more times than he has been caught. It is very unlikely that the only two times he has ever driven imparied he happened ot get arrested. 

Anyway, we are going in circles here. You are operating out of place of desperation andc contradicting yourself all over the place. I don't think I can offer any further useful or constructive advice. 

[Mresponse]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Drinking and getting behind the wheel was not a mistake. That was a deliberate choice. My guess is that he has done this far more times than he has been caught. It is very unlikely that the only two times he has ever driven imparied he happened ot get arrested. 

Anyway, we are going in circles here. You are operating out of place of desperation andc contradicting yourself all over the place. I don't think I can offer any further useful or constructive advice. 

I understand. I appreciate the assistance you provided me with. It must be frustrating to give advice only for the other person to contradict themself. What you’re seeing is my mind trying to make sense of the grief and deep love while seeking out flaws to make it all make sense to me

thanks again

Edited June 11 by Mresponse

[basil67]

17 hours ago, Mresponse said:

You don’t think my despair is normal considering the circumstances? Relationships/ making people feel loved is very important to me. With the goal being marriage it’s difficult not to mourn a future that might not happen for me. Because I get so attached to my partners it’s very hard for me to be attract to anyone new 

Why I assume I’ve done something wrong when it ends: because if I’m the one who’s always broken up with then I’m the common denominator. I take it as a sign there is something about me not worth staying for (especially considering these men stay for years). And sometimes the breakup is brutal (guy before this guy we’re talking about broke up with me over the phone at 3am hours before my biggest work presentation. After 2yrs together)and if you’re not surprised that I have a diagnosis I wonder if that makes me crazy? Maybe I feel too much in relationships or I don’t have valid concerns

I’ve been doing cbt and dbt but I don’t feel like it works for me. This is a reason why I’m looking into a new therapist though.

I am in my early 30s.

No, your despair is not normal.  And the "circumstances" are only a small number of relationships, however one can't clearly start to track patterns with such a small small number of outcomes.   Also, and I repeat, you're not "always" the one breaking up with them.  You have broken up with men (or a man) before so stop thinking this way.   

Of the 2 year relationship guy who broke up at 3am, why were the two of you even talking at 3am the night before a presentation?   And what did he say when he ended things?  If he said nothing, did you ask for a reason?

There is one thing you might be doing wrong:  You seem a bit desperate to get a husband/father, and considering you don't want them to break up with you, could it be that you're a "yes girl"?   For example, nothing is too much trouble....You're happy to do whatever he wants...You have sex even when you don't feel like it? 

I don't think you're crazy.  I think you're struggling with some mental health issues.

[Gebidozo]

17 hours ago, Mresponse said:

You don’t think my despair is normal considering the circumstances?

Absolutely not.

You are young and you only had 4 boyfriends. You still have a lot to explore and experience.

You have to understand that your eagerness to be in a relationship contributes to the fact that you’ve been choosing wrong men.

When you feel self-sufficient and mentally fully independent and strong as a single person, your “relationship radar” will function much better.

[basil67]

Another thought I'm having: Were the relationships where the guys ended it pretty much perfect for you?   Or could some of them have been making you unhappy and you should have actually ended them yourself?  

[Acacia98]

On 6/11/2026 at 3:54 AM, Mresponse said:

Thank you for your sweet message. I feel like I missed several other bids for connection and didn’t realize..I tried my best. It’s hard not to feel like I’ve failed. I feel like I missed my chance for love and that’s excruciating.

Honestly, OP, you have set very unrealistic expectations for yourself. If you sincerely do your best in a relationship and somehow things don't work out, it usually means that you and the fellow are not compatible. You need to learn how to accept that without translating it into the belief that you have somehow failed and everything is your fault.

If you were not so determined to cast yourself as the bad guy in your narrative, you would probably realize that:

1. In modern dating, most relationships ultimately end. That applies to all of us, not just to you. Dating is about meeting people and, over time, determining whether you're a good fit for each other. It goes without saying that most people will figure out they don't belong together over time.

2. Sometimes the common denominator is that you tend to pick guys who are a bad fit for you. Sometimes the common denominator is that you're so desperate to be in a relationship that you insist on staying with someone long after red flags and incompatibilities have appeared. If you don't break up with a guy when all the signs say you should, the relationship will continue to deteriorate. Either it will implode on you both or the guy will break up with you once he realizes it's not working. His breaking up with you doesn't mean he was an angel and you were the devil. It just means he was the one who had the frame of mind to do what needed to be done at that moment.

Staying in a relationship that's not been working for a long time is not a positive achievement. A relationship should work for you both/meet the needs of you two. Understanding that and living it does not make you selfish or evil. You probably need to change your therapist and get someone who will help you learn to see yourself and other people more objectively and to develop a more mature understanding of what healthy relationships are.

Personally, I'm curious about what your experiences of love and family were as a child. Because a lot of the ideas and expectations we develop regarding relationships are influenced by our childhood experiences. You may be making unhealthy relationship choices because you are reliving patterns you experienced in your childhood or are trying very hard to avoid the kind of pain you experienced in your childhood.

Edited June 12 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

I just wanted to add a few things to my earlier post:

1. You have an overactive guilty conscience. The reasons you gave for breaking up with your ex that one time sounded reasonable, healthy. But you've somehow convinced yourself it was wrong to break up with him and that it's generally wrong to be wary about a boyfriend's negative character traits and behavior. Drunk driving is a terrible thing to do, and it is an indicator of several issues that should concern anyone. I dare say your breaking up with him was one of the positive decisions you made and you should embrace the part of you that makes decisions of that kind. It is appropriate to assert yourself in a relationship and to recognize that you have a right to exist and to have a perspective and feelings and needs, even if the other person doesn't agree with you. It's your responsibility to advocate for yourself, not to constantly suppress yourself to make others happy.

2. You've gotten some really excellent advice from folks here. Listen to it, sit with it, keep coming back to it.

3. You need to take a long break from dating and focus on yourself and therapy.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think you're struggling with some mental health issues

That's what I am getting, too. 

OP, it seems to me that your rumination over this specific episode with this specific ex is a symptom of bigger, underlying issues. Have you ever been assessed by an actual medical professional? Therapists are generally not able to evaluate and officially diagnose patients. 

[Mresponse]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

No, your despair is not normal.  And the "circumstances" are only a small number of relationships, however one can't clearly start to track patterns with such a small small number of outcomes.   Also, and I repeat, you're not "always" the one breaking up with them.  You have broken up with men (or a man) before so stop thinking this way.   

Of the 2 year relationship guy who broke up at 3am, why were the two of you even talking at 3am the night before a presentation?   And what did he say when he ended things?  If he said nothing, did you ask for a reason?

There is one thing you might be doing wrong:  You seem a bit desperate to get a husband/father, and considering you don't want them to break up with you, could it be that you're a "yes girl"?   For example, nothing is too much trouble....You're happy to do whatever he wants...You have sex even when you don't feel like it? 

I don't think you're crazy.  I think you're struggling with some mental health issues.

You’re right. I will continue to return to your message to get it through my head. I live In the south (early marriage culture) so 4 relationship feels like a lot to others.

The the 2year relationship guy was a toxic situation. He seemed to always call me right before bed like this right before any important event. Prior to meeting him I did not loop like this and I felt capable of relationships. If I didn’t stay on the phone with him he’d tell me I didn’t care and that my feelings always came first. This particular call started at a normal hour. He started a looping convo with me, expressing his unhappiness and threatening to breakup. I pleaded with him to let me go to bed and talk about it in the morning. That’s not how it went down. It was brutal. But the whole relationship made me question my sense of reality. My therapist actually sent me to relationship abuse group therapy for this one. He’d always tell me why are you crying I didn’t hit you

its funny though, I am not a yes girl until I’m very much in love or attached. Prior to that I have strong boundaries, I’m very anti physical touch until it’s earned and voice my concerns openly. When I love, then I feel like I get treated like crap and then I try to figure out why and think it’s something I’m doing wrong 

Id love to hear your thoughts on what you think I’m struggling with (mental health wise)

Edited June 12 by Mresponse

[Mresponse]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Absolutely not.

You are young and you only had 4 boyfriends. You still have a lot to explore and experience.

You have to understand that your eagerness to be in a relationship contributes to the fact that you’ve been choosing wrong men.

When you feel self-sufficient and mentally fully independent and strong as a single person, your “relationship radar” will function much better.

Gosh I hope so. It’s very rare that I find a mental/ physical connection with someone so when I do find it I lock in.

its not like I’m going to the first guy who likes me..but my eagerness/ low worth at the moment does make me hold on to men that make me cry once in an official relationship

[Mresponse]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Another thought I'm having: Were the relationships where the guys ended it pretty much perfect for you?   Or could some of them have been making you unhappy and you should have actually ended them yourself?  

Let’s go down memory lane!  Feel free to skip over the details if you’d like. My basic answer is yes there are some I should have ended it with
Bf1 (my college bf)- we were deeply in love. I have never felt this love since. I was certain I wanted to marry him and we picked out a ring when I was 23. BUT once he graduated grad school he thought my job wasn’t good enough, picked my body apart and admitted to cheating on me in college (yay). He was crying aggressively and said he didn’t want to lose me. That ended the relationship and he came back months later pleading for me to take him back bc I was the one. That made me super anxious. It felt unsafe and he broke up with me again because he was tired of me working through the trust rupture/ crying/not immediatly moving to his city. Sometimes I wish I had more emotional maturity back then and wonder if we’d be together to this day if conflict resolution was there 
 

Bf2- just my best friend and a bit of a rebound to get over bf1.literally got together just 8hrs after the final breakup with bf1. It wasn’t deep / no emotions shared and ended kinda amicably but I was said that he could never see me as a real love. 
 

Bf3- the guy I we’ve been talking about that I broke up with first. He’s the first one to make me feel safe and enough/ really easy to communicate (we talked about the concerns in an earlier message) I probably shouldn’t have left him the first time so I have regrets about that

BF4- I was so physically attracted to him. Charismatic and outgoing. Behind closed doors his life was a mess. Loads of debt, redownloaded hinge while together, toxic/abusive upbringing, his mom used slurs, politically- very cruel/not rooted in facts views, desire for attention, mocking and only called me “big weesnaw” to the point where I had to ask if that’s how he saw me/ missed receiving compliments (I’m 5’3 and 105 pounds btw but his name for Me made me start to think he thought I was physically out of shape/unattractive).but would also joke that I was probably out flirting with other guys? He hurt me in many surprising ways/ honestly impressed by how many ways he made me cry. But it all made me feel sensitive. I questioned if I just wasn’t being supportive enough/ loving conditionally. LOADS of horrid stories. I should have left him month 2. My siblings begged me to. But I’m telling you- the way he said things was very convincing and I did care for him. I thought I wasn’t good enough (he has a ton of friends and they all think he’s great. How could I not think I was the problem)

[Mresponse]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Honestly, OP, you have set very unrealistic expectations for yourself. If you sincerely do your best in a relationship and somehow things don't work out, it usually means that you and the fellow are not compatible. You need to learn how to accept that without translating it into the belief that you have somehow failed and everything is your fault.

If you were not so determined to cast yourself as the bad guy in your narrative, you would probably realize that:

1. In modern dating, most relationships ultimately end. That applies to all of us, not just to you. Dating is about meeting people and, over time, determining whether you're a good fit for each other. It goes without saying that most people will figure out they don't belong together over time.

2. Sometimes the common denominator is that you tend to pick guys who are a bad fit for you. Sometimes the common denominator is that you're so desperate to be in a relationship that you insist on staying with someone long after red flags and incompatibilities have appeared. If you don't break up with a guy when all the signs say you should, the relationship will continue to deteriorate. Either it will implode on you both or the guy will break up with you once he realizes it's not working. His breaking up with you doesn't mean he was an angel and you were the devil. It just means he was the one who had the frame of mind to do what needed to be done at that moment.

Staying in a relationship that's not been working for a long time is not a positive achievement. A relationship should work for you both/meet the needs of you two. Understanding that and living it does not make you selfish or evil. You probably need to change your therapist and get someone who will help you learn to see yourself and other people more objectively and to develop a more mature understanding of what healthy relationships are.

Personally, I'm curious about what your experiences of love and family were as a child. Because a lot of the ideas and expectations we develop regarding relationships are influenced by our childhood experiences. You may be making unhealthy relationship choices because you are reliving patterns you experienced in your childhood or are trying very hard to avoid the kind of pain you experienced in your childhood.

I think because even though I feel like I’m trying my best- I have some avoidant tendencies. Very independent, lots of activities during the week and a fear of opening up to a partner/ having them around my family. I only do these things out of fear though. It’s a way to distract myself from the fact they might leave. It feels unsafe to fully love.

your message is very insightful and I’ve found myself rereading it this morning. Thank you. “Staying in a relationship that hasn’t been working for a long time is not an achievement”..something about this gives me peace.

absolutely working on getting a new therapist. I actually have a very healthy family dynamic. I was blessed with a great childhood and parents that are still together. I visit my parents often for dinner. But there was always pressure to succeed when I was a kid. I think my APD scared my parents. They sent me to rigorous tutoring everyday after school and then I’d go to soccer right after. Just very regimented. And even though I was top of my class, nothing was enough tI make them stop taking me to tutors. I felt alone and had a deep desire to be seen, understood and have deep connection with others. Meanwhile my oldest sister is the golden child. She has never had a difficult moment in her life. We do not get along but I was always desperate to have a relationship with her. She says religion is the base of why she’ll never be close to me which seems like the most ridiculous/ backhanded excuse to not have a relationship with your sibling. Those are the two reasons I can think of for why I am the way that I am. My sibling relationship and school dynamics 

[Mresponse]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's what I am getting, too. 

OP, it seems to me that your rumination over this specific episode with this specific ex is a symptom of bigger, underlying issues. Have you ever been assessed by an actual medical professional? Therapists are generally not able to evaluate and officially diagnose patients. 

The fact that I might have some diagnosis freaks me out. I don’t want to feel crazy. I have not been diagnosed by a medical professional..who would I go to? Idk if a psychiatrist would be best or a general doc?

I guess technically I did see a psych for a Telehealth appointment …she thought anxiety, ocd and situational depression. But idk if that counts as an official diagnosis 

Edited June 12 by Mresponse

[ExpatInItaly]

You have a long history of staying with men who mistreat you, in other words. 

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

BF4- I was so physically attracted to him. Charismatic and outgoing. Behind closed doors his life was a mess. Loads of debt, redownloaded hinge while together, toxic/abusive upbringing, his mom used slurs, politically- very cruel/not rooted in facts views, desire for attention, mocking and only called me “big weesnaw” to the point where I had to ask if that’s how he saw me/ missed receiving compliments (I’m 5’3 and 105 pounds btw but his name for Me made me start to think he thought I was physically out of shape/unattractive).but would also joke that I was probably out flirting with other guys? He hurt me in many surprising ways/ honestly impressed by how many ways he made me cry.

Wait, is this the most recent guy? 

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I thought I wasn’t good enough (he has a ton of friends and they all think he’s great. How could I not think I was the problem)

By using your common sense and realizing his friends probably had no clue how much of a jackass he was behind closed doors. 

[Mresponse]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have a long history of staying with men who mistreat you, in other words. 

Wait, is this the most recent guy? 

By using your common sense and realizing his friends probably had no clue how much of a jackass he was behind closed doors. 

I don’t understand why this keeps happening. It seems like people just stumble upon nice guys who never switch up. It’s my responsibility to leave once they treat me poorly but very few of my friends have met men who have made them cry. So what is that? In some ways, I think they all felt like they could do better than me (looks wise).

no bf 3 is the one we’ve been talking about (the one I reconnected with after years but what blindsided) bf 4 is who I dated after bf 3..then when we broke up that’s when I reached out to 3 again.

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

but very few of my friends have met men who have made them cry. So what is that?

They probably have better pickers and weed out bad seeds way earlier. before it gets to that point. You clearly stay after you first see red flags and then wonder why the red flags get worse. 

This is likely due to your poor self-estem. Your friends probably have a healthier and more solid sense of their own worth.

 

 

[Mresponse]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

They probably have better pickers and weed out bad seeds way earlier. before it gets to that point. You clearly stay after you first see red flags and then wonder why the red flags get worse. 

This is likely due to your poor self-estem. Your friends probably have a healthier and more solid sense of their own worth.

 

 

Oh man I hope you’re right because at least with two of them..I didn’t see any signs until years in.

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever the case,  I would encourage you to take a break from dating and relationships until your restore your emotional well-being. 

Your current state is going to lead you to attach yourself to unhealthy situations. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I don’t understand why this keeps happening. It seems like people just stumble upon nice guys who never switch up. It’s my responsibility to leave once they treat me poorly but very few of my friends have met men who have made them cry. So what is that? In some ways, I think they all felt like they could do better than me (looks wise).

no bf 3 is the one we’ve been talking about (the one I reconnected with after years but what blindsided) bf 4 is who I dated after bf 3..then when we broke up that’s when I reached out to 3 again.

 

9 hours ago, Mresponse said:

Let’s go down memory lane!  Feel free to skip over the details if you’d like. My basic answer is yes there are some I should have ended it with
Bf1 (my college bf)- we were deeply in love. I have never felt this love since. I was certain I wanted to marry him and we picked out a ring when I was 23. BUT once he graduated grad school he thought my job wasn’t good enough, picked my body apart and admitted to cheating on me in college (yay). He was crying aggressively and said he didn’t want to lose me. That ended the relationship and he came back months later pleading for me to take him back bc I was the one. That made me super anxious. It felt unsafe and he broke up with me again because he was tired of me working through the trust rupture/ crying/not immediatly moving to his city. Sometimes I wish I had more emotional maturity back then and wonder if we’d be together to this day if conflict resolution was there 
 

Bf2- just my best friend and a bit of a rebound to get over bf1.literally got together just 8hrs after the final breakup with bf1. It wasn’t deep / no emotions shared and ended kinda amicably but I was said that he could never see me as a real love. 
 

Bf3- the guy I we’ve been talking about that I broke up with first. He’s the first one to make me feel safe and enough/ really easy to communicate (we talked about the concerns in an earlier message) I probably shouldn’t have left him the first time so I have regrets about that

BF4- I was so physically attracted to him. Charismatic and outgoing. Behind closed doors his life was a mess. Loads of debt, redownloaded hinge while together, toxic/abusive upbringing, his mom used slurs, politically- very cruel/not rooted in facts views, desire for attention, mocking and only called me “big weesnaw” to the point where I had to ask if that’s how he saw me/ missed receiving compliments (I’m 5’3 and 105 pounds btw but his name for Me made me start to think he thought I was physically out of shape/unattractive).but would also joke that I was probably out flirting with other guys? He hurt me in many surprising ways/ honestly impressed by how many ways he made me cry. But it all made me feel sensitive. I questioned if I just wasn’t being supportive enough/ loving conditionally. LOADS of horrid stories. I should have left him month 2. My siblings begged me to. But I’m telling you- the way he said things was very convincing and I did care for him.

OMG this isn't an "what's wrong with me that they keep leaving?" issue.  This is an "why do I stay with guys who treat me like s***?" issue.

9 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I thought I wasn’t good enough (he has a ton of friends and they all think he’s great. How could I not think I was the problem)

The reason he had a ton of friends who thought he was great was because he didn't show his true self to them.   You knew the truth and should have tossed him away long before he ended it.

It sounds to me like you're so much in need of a relationship that you stay in really horrible situations to the detriment of your own wellbeing.  Does your therapist know this?  Are they giving you tools to recognise a bad situation and call it quits?

[Mresponse]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

OMG this isn't an "what's wrong with me that they keep leaving?" issue.  This is an "why do I stay with guys who treat me like s***?" issue.

The reason he had a ton of friends who thought he was great was because he didn't show his true self to them.   You knew the truth and should have tossed him away long before he ended it.

It sounds to me like you're so much in need of a relationship that you stay in really horrible situations to the detriment of your own wellbeing.  Does your therapist know this?  Are they giving you tools to recognise a bad situation and call it quits?

It feels like everyone will feel like I’m not enough. Even if I leave faster it seems like I just attract these men. 

[Mresponse]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

OMG this isn't an "what's wrong with me that they keep leaving?" issue.  This is an "why do I stay with guys who treat me like s***?" issue.

The reason he had a ton of friends who thought he was great was because he didn't show his true self to them.   You knew the truth and should have tossed him away long before he ended it.

It sounds to me like you're so much in need of a relationship that you stay in really horrible situations to the detriment of your own wellbeing.  Does your therapist know this?  Are they giving you tools to recognise a bad situation and call it quits?

My therapist does know this. It’s why I started working with her in the first place. She always said bf 3 was the best template for healthy love so when rekindling with him didn’t work and he called me names in the end it totally shattered my perception. She wanted me to stick it out with #4 for awhile but eventually she told me to leave him. I wouldn’t say she’s been much help in recognizing bad situations. Hence why I’m looking for someone new

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

My therapist does know this. It’s why I started working with her in the first place. She always said bf 3 was the best template for healthy love so when rekindling with him didn’t work and he called me names in the end it totally shattered my perception. She wanted me to stick it out with #4 for awhile but eventually she told me to leave him. I wouldn’t say she’s been much help in recognizing bad situations. Hence why I’m looking for someone new

Kindly, we're 4 pages in and it wasn't until I found the right question to ask that you became honest with us about the situation.  This isn't about men leaving you and never was. Are you also lying to yourself? 

Kindly, it would appear that your issues are well above the remit of a message board.

[Mresponse]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, we're 4 pages in and it wasn't until I found the right question to ask that you became honest with us about the situation.  This isn't about men leaving you and never was. Are you also lying to yourself? 

Kindly, it would appear that your issues are well above the remit of a message board.

I actually don’t understand. Is not about men leaving me? What is it about? Me staying too long?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I actually don’t understand. Is not about men leaving me? What is it about? Me staying too long?

Yes, it's about you staying too long in toxic relationships.   If you had good boundaries and left early on, you would have been free to date others and find your Mr Right.

I feel that you're so desperate for a husband that you'll take any kind of rubbish instead of being single

Edited June 13 by basil67