What did I do wrong? :Merged threads:

[flitzanu]

On 6/6/2026 at 5:52 PM, Mresponse said:

I think maybe I was avoidant? I was trying to take things slow and build trust again so he wouldn’t be scared. We talked everyday but maybe I should have invited him to my city more and expressed regularly how much I loved him/ would not leave. And when I’m stressed I like to take some space for myself to regulate my feelings/ don’t feel like I need to tell a partner about every little detail. But the space I take would not be more than 6 hours. When he tried to break up with me the first time it took me about 8hrs to text for two days because I was scared and didn’t know what to say but each day I did text that I cared about him and that I was taking space bc I didn’t know what to say and needed to settle. I just hate myself for it. Maybe I didn’t seem to care enough but I cared so much at least on the inside 

you don't run back to text someone when they broke up with you, you take that as a sign to stop communicating with them.

you keep asking about what you should have done differently, but you haven't actually talked about what this guy did for you.  did he come visit you? did he make time for you?  or are you the one that constantly had to chase him just to get a tiny amount of attention from him?

[Mresponse]

12 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

you don't run back to text someone when they broke up with you, you take that as a sign to stop communicating with them.

you keep asking about what you should have done differently, but you haven't actually talked about what this guy did for you.  did he come visit you? did he make time for you?  or are you the one that constantly had to chase him just to get a tiny amount of attention from him?

Right. I just mean when he said he wanted to break up the first time and then he retracted that statement THEN I took two days of space when we were technically together.

since I was the one who broke up with him years ago I understood I had to rebuild trust with him which kinda led us into a weird purgatory of dating but not. Once we kissed again about a month ago he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else and I said that I was ok keeping it open until he felt comfortable/ decided how he felt/ I thought that was the healthiest choice . We met in the middle point between our states and then he came to me once and then I stayed at his place 1x. I wasn’t chasing I just let it flow naturally/ let my gut decide what to do instead of intentionally pursuing him. And I think he was very much trying to respect space while we got to know each other again. He initiated lots of texting conversations, consistently checked in and sent encouragement on Strava. I only felt anxious once we kissed. I really started wanting the relationship again which was scary to me. I felt like he was pulling away but it might have just been anxiety talking. I didn’t bring up this fear bc I wanted it to work itself out naturally. He said he wanted to see a concert with me in my city (two weeks from now) and I thought about it through a logic perspective. How we’d make time/ what I’d need to clear from my calendar. I continued to ask about when he wanted to plan the trip together but overtime it felt like he thought I wasn’t interested which confused me. Something about the dynamic made me feel like I was too guarded and that I didn’t show my love enough (like not telling him about every work trip before they happened etc)

I think the distance made it difficult to see true intention

[Sanch62]

10 hours ago, Mresponse said:

When I say “unconditional” I mean I wish it was safe for me to not be perfect. Like to get upset sometimes or forget some things  but alway take accountability and apologize. But to me, love feels like one false move and I will be left

It IS safe for you to not be perfect when you are with the right person. If you find yourself walking on eggshells trying to be perceived as perfect, what should that tell you?

The goal isn’t to take up with someone, anyone, even if you don’t feel safe to be yourself and fulfill your desires for open and intimate communication. The goal is to keep meeting people until you find the right person with whom you strike simpatico and feel encouraged to simply be Who You Are.

Putting up with less than that IS stressful, and it’s a clear signal that you are wasting time with the wrong match who will judge you, sense your insecurity and use that to manipulate you and mistreat you knowing full well that you are desperate enough to tolerate it. And yes, he will grow bored of being with someone who will stick around to be taken for granted no matter how he behaves, so he will have one foot out the door by the time he points to the stupidest thing to pin on you as his reason for walking away. 

If you want to avoid that scenario, you’ll need to screen out men who make you feel uneasy enough to not be perfect, because as you’ve noticed, there is no such thing. When you don’t feel supported and encouraged to relax and be your imperfect self, you are with the wrong guy. That’s your signal to ditch the guy and stop wasting your time trying to tap dance to keep him. He will eventually reinforce your narrative and you will be back in the same position, holding onto the same beliefs in your wrongness that got you into trouble in the first place.

If you’re not willing to throw the wrong fish back into the water to go find a better one, then you will always be at the mercy of the wrong men who grow bored with you trying to be who they want. The common denominator is that you are too impatient and insecure to hold out for the right match for who you truly are. And the wrong men will never appreciate you, no matter what you do.

[Mresponse]

20 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

It IS safe for you to not be perfect when you are with the right person. If you find yourself walking on eggshells trying to be perceived as perfect, what should that tell you?

The goal isn’t to take up with someone, anyone, even if you don’t feel safe to be yourself and fulfill your desires for open and intimate communication. The goal is to keep meeting people until you find the right person with whom you strike simpatico and feel encouraged to simply be Who You Are.

Putting up with less than that IS stressful, and it’s a clear signal that you are wasting time with the wrong match who will judge you, sense your insecurity and use that to manipulate you and mistreat you knowing full well that you are desperate enough to tolerate it. And yes, he will grow bored of being with someone who will stick around to be taken for granted no matter how he behaves, so he will have one foot out the door by the time he points to the stupidest thing to pin on you as his reason for walking away. 

If you want to avoid that scenario, you’ll need to screen out men who make you feel uneasy enough to not be perfect, because as you’ve noticed, there is no such thing. When you don’t feel supported and encouraged to relax and be your imperfect self, you are with the wrong guy. That’s your signal to ditch the guy and stop wasting your time trying to tap dance to keep him. He will eventually reinforce your narrative and you will be back in the same position, holding onto the same beliefs in your wrongness that got you into trouble in the first place.

If you’re not willing to throw the wrong fish back into the water to go find a better one, then you will always be at the mercy of the wrong men who grow bored with you trying to be who they want. The common denominator is that you are too impatient and insecure to hold out for the right match for who you truly are. And the wrong men will never appreciate you, no matter what you do.

I just think it’s wild that I showed up imperfect with him the first time and he loved me. Upon my return 3yrs later that was no longer the case. I really did just behave like me and I was relaxed until the last two weeks where I was totally blindsided. I mean…what the heck

i hear you. It just doesn’t feel like anyone will love me for me. It’s so deflating to continue to be treated like crap almost immediatly sometimes..before I’ve even bent my values

[Sanch62]

55 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

It just doesn’t feel like anyone will love me for me. It’s so deflating to continue to be treated like crap almost immediatly sometimes..before I’ve even bent my values

You keep repeating and reinforcing your same ol' narrative.

If you want change, change it. 

[Mresponse]

19 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

You keep repeating and reinforcing your same ol' narrative.

If you want change, change it. 

Sorry I’m not meaning to. Your posts have been very helpful. I’m listening.
So to change you’re saying I should just leave at the first sign of crap/ disrespect?

not sure how to attract differently even if im direct and confident. Any advice on that part would be appreciated

[ExpatInItaly]

For all you know, he's been seeing someone else since you reconnected and decided to go that route and not be honest about it.

[basil67]

20 hours ago, Mresponse said:

When I say “unconditional” I mean I wish it was safe for me to not be perfect. Like to get upset sometimes or forget some things  but alway take accountability and apologize. But to me, love feels like one false move and I will be left

Nobody is perfect, but all partners are entitled to have deal breakers.   For instance, I would never be with a man who had a habit of raising his voice when upset.   If a guy who raises his voice is upset that I stop seeing him because of this, that's his problem.

That said, if a guy was getting upset about every little thing, then you're not a match anyway.

[Mresponse]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Nobody is perfect, but all partners are entitled to have deal breakers.   For instance, I would never be with a man who had a habit of raising his voice when upset.   If a guy who raises his voice is upset that I stop seeing him because of this, that's his problem.

That said, if a guy was getting upset about every little thing, then you're not a match anyway.

He never got upset with me before..

I just hate the lack of clarity on what I did wrong. I don’t really know his dealbreakers. Do you have any advice for me on how I can figure out what I’m doing wrong? Love feels so fragile and hard 

I haven’t slept in days because my rumination is so intense

Edited June 9 by Mresponse

[Finest_Marksman]

I hear you. That grief is real, and it makes sense you’re spiraling…. he was your peace. 

But read this back; You missed one call request while handling life + work. You apologized immediately, told him you wanted him to feel safe, you cried, you needed a few days to breathe. That’s human. That’s not “causing a breakup.” 

The yo-yoing is what’s hurting you most. Break up, retract, reassure, break up again. That back-and-forth isn’t love being deepened - it’s anxiety getting triggered on both sides. You didn’t ruin 3 years of history + 5 months of rebuilding with one missed text. A relationship that’s “breathing” doesn’t collapse from one misread moment.

You didn’t fail him. You’re grieving the idea that peace can only come from him. But the woman who reached out, who apologized, who still wants him to feel safe even while hurting? She’s the same woman who can bring herself peace too. 

You’re not “boxed out” of your own life. Take those few days you asked for. Actually take them. The right love won’t make you beg to be understood after one mistake.

Sending you a hug from here. You deserve calm without chaos. You’ll breathe again, I promise

 

[Mresponse]

On 6/9/2026 at 4:22 PM, Finest_Marksman said:

I hear you. That grief is real, and it makes sense you’re spiraling…. he was your peace. 

But read this back; You missed one call request while handling life + work. You apologized immediately, told him you wanted him to feel safe, you cried, you needed a few days to breathe. That’s human. That’s not “causing a breakup.” 

The yo-yoing is what’s hurting you most. Break up, retract, reassure, break up again. That back-and-forth isn’t love being deepened - it’s anxiety getting triggered on both sides. You didn’t ruin 3 years of history + 5 months of rebuilding with one missed text. A relationship that’s “breathing” doesn’t collapse from one misread moment.

You didn’t fail him. You’re grieving the idea that peace can only come from him. But the woman who reached out, who apologized, who still wants him to feel safe even while hurting? She’s the same woman who can bring herself peace too. 

You’re not “boxed out” of your own life. Take those few days you asked for. Actually take them. The right love won’t make you beg to be understood after one mistake.

Sending you a hug from here. You deserve calm without chaos. You’ll breathe again, I promise

 

Thank you for your sweet message. I feel like I missed several other bids for connection and didn’t realize..I tried my best. It’s hard not to feel like I’ve failed. I feel like I missed my chance for love and that’s excruciating.

[basil67]

 

On 6/9/2026 at 9:04 PM, Mresponse said:

He never got upset with me before..

 The two of you broke up after a few year relationship, and then got back together, so clearly things weren't always perfect.

On 6/9/2026 at 9:04 PM, Mresponse said:

I just hate the lack of clarity on what I did wrong. I don’t really know his dealbreakers. Do you have any advice for me on how I can figure out what I’m doing wrong? Love feels so fragile and hard 

Breakups don't need to have someone doing something wrong - it can just be a case of him feeling you're not right for each other.    This wasn't a long term relationship - it was a few months together after a break up a few years ago.   It's OK for him to leave if he's just not feeling it.   

[Mresponse]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

 The two of you broke up after a few year relationship, and then got back together, so clearly things weren't always perfect.

Breakups don't need to have someone doing something wrong - it can just be a case of him feeling you're not right for each other.    This wasn't a long term relationship - it was a few months together after a break up a few years ago.   It's OK for him to leave if he's just not feeling it.   

 

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

 The two of you broke up after a few year relationship, and then got back together, so clearly things weren't always perfect.

Breakups don't need to have someone doing something wrong - it can just be a case of him feeling you're not right for each other.    This wasn't a long term relationship - it was a few months together after a break up a few years ago.   It's OK for him to leave if he's just not feeling it.   

If that’s the case..how do I figure out why everyone leaves. It’s so painful and makes me think everyone will continue to leave me

[basil67]

On 6/9/2026 at 9:45 AM, Mresponse said:

Sorry I’m not meaning to. Your posts have been very helpful. I’m listening.
So to change you’re saying I should just leave at the first sign of crap/ disrespect?

not sure how to attract differently even if im direct and confident. Any advice on that part would be appreciated

YES!  You ARE supposed to leave at the first sign of crap/disrespect.  If you stay with someone despite the red flags, you're only setting yourself up for hurt.

Being direct and confident (along with other positive personality traits) will set you up well in life....not just with men

[Mresponse]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

YES!  You ARE supposed to leave at the first sign of crap/disrespect.  If you stay with someone despite the red flags, you're only setting yourself up for hurt.

Being direct and confident (along with other positive personality traits) will set you up well in life....not just with men

Got it. But how do I figure out what I’m doing wrong to make “good men” leave. I feel like no matter how I show up it’s not enough now

[Mresponse]

Just now, Mresponse said:

Got it. But how do I figure out what I’m doing wrong to make “good men” leave. I feel like no matter how I show up it’s not enough now

Love feels so fragile and like I’ll never be enough as is

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

If that’s the case..how do I figure out why everyone leaves. It’s so painful and makes me think everyone will continue to leave me

How many people is "everyone"?   You asked if you should leave at the first sign of crap/disrespect....this makes me wonder if your relationships all had crappy or disrespectful behaviour ...is this your history?

You also said that you've seen this guy in person "a few times" since you started talking again.  I don't know the reason you didn't see each other a lot, but personally, I'd be long gone from someone who I couldn't see regularly.

Was he actually your boyfriend again, or just a guy you were talking to?

Edited June 11 by basil67

[Mresponse]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

How many people is "everyone"?   You asked if you should leave at the first sign of crap/disrespect....this makes me wonder if your relationships all had crappy or disrespectful behaviour .

You also said that you've one seen this guy in person "a few times" since you started talking again.  I don't know the reason you didn't see each other a lot, but personally, I'd be long gone from someone who I couldn't see regularly.

Was he actually your boyfriend again, or just a guy you were talking to?

“Everyone” meaning the 4 men I’ve dated. And the dates I’ve been on recently the men never want to see me again. I wish I could tell you about my other relationships but I think my disrespect question was more so about how to not end up with someone who will leave/ trying to figure out what’s ok and not ok.

we live in different states right now. That why we couldn’t see eachother consistently.  I would have 100% moved back to his city. Was FaceTimed regularly 

he wasn’t my boyfriend yet technically we were just talking. When we first met up he asked what I wanted from him and I said I was open to seeing where things went/ we’d need to get to know each other again. I was also very honest about where I was mentally and I needed to heal. My biggest regret was not being vocal enough about how much I loved him. I was so afraid of losing him/ wanted to make him comfortable with pace. Hating myself for not be super upfront 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Mresponse said:

“Everyone” meaning the 4 men I’ve dated. And the dates I’ve been on recently the men never want to see me again. I wish I could tell you about my other relationships but I think my disrespect question was more so about how to not end up with someone who will leave/ trying to figure out what’s ok and not ok.

we live in different states right now. That why we couldn’t see eachother consistently.  I would have 100% moved back to his city. Was FaceTimed regularly 

he wasn’t my boyfriend yet technically we were just talking. When we first met up he asked what I wanted from him and I said I was open to seeing where things went/ we’d need to get to know each other again. I was also very honest about where I was mentally and I needed to heal. My biggest regret was not being vocal enough about how much I loved him. I was so afraid of losing him/ wanted to make him comfortable with pace. Hating myself for not be super upfront 

Four is not many, and this guy wasn't actually your boyfriend yet...so does this mean 3 breakups?   Why do you think that telling him how much you love him would have prevented him from leaving?

In all honesty, you're sounding desperate.  You're trying to work out how to twist yourself in knots to be the girl that a guy chooses - so I'll let you in on a secret:  Good guys want women who are confident.   You be you. If a guy doesn't like you for who you are, stuff him!  There's plenty more in the sea

Are you generally prone to exaggeration and despair?  Do you have any mental health issues?  Do you have a therapist?  Because at this point in time, it sounds like you shouldn't be dating at all.

[Mresponse]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Four is not many, and this guy wasn't actually your boyfriend yet...so does this mean 3 breakups?   Why do you think that telling him how much you love him would have prevented him from leaving?

In all honesty, you're sounding desperate.  You're trying to work out how to twist yourself in knots to be the girl that a guy chooses - so I'll let you in on a secret:  Good guys want women who are confident.   You be you. If a guy doesn't like you for who you are, stuff him!  There's plenty more in the sea

Are you generally prone to exaggeration and despair?  Do you have any mental health issues?  Do you have a therapist?  Because at this point in time, it sounds like you shouldn't be dating at all.

No technically 4? I’ve had 4 longterm boyfriends. Most dating me for over 2yrs each. (2 of them I had a few on/ off again breakups). I think telling him I loved him would have helped because he really craves positive affirmations and told me he was anxious the last time because he didn’t know where I stood with him (I have no idea why). Kinda back to what I was saying about his need for a lot of consistent communication. And honestly I get it from his perspective I was the one who broke up with him all those years ago. It would makes sense if he needed verbal affirmations from me that I wasn’t going anywhere

and you’re right. I totally am. I’m terrified and I can’t get the panic to go away. I’m very active in my city so it’s not like I’m isolating myself but it’s exhausting to feel this internal panic and rumination. The thing is..I’ve always desired my own family including kids and I feel like a failure. 
 

do you feel like I’m exaggerating? That is good to know. I am prone to despair and taking on all the responsibility if a relationship ends. I’ve had the same therapist for 5 yrs and I’m seeking a new one. My therapist thinks I have relationship ocd (that checks out to me) and anxiety. I try to be the best I can be/ try to maintain a structure healthy life at least from the outside. I have a successful career, financial stability, friends, family and fitness so I think that’s what drives me nuts..I keep failing at this one aspect in life. I also have something called auditory processing disorder. It can make me feel incredibly misunderstood and alone in a crowded room and I’ve been trying super hard since I was a kid to try to be “normal”. Some will say I’m very outgoing and warm while others would describe me as shy and withdrawn. I fear that wild swing in how I’m perceived and behave depending on environment takes a tole on partners

Edited June 11 by Mresponse

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Mresponse said:

No technically 4? I’ve had 4 longterm boyfriends. Most dating me for over 2yrs each. (2 of them I had a few on/ off again breakups). I think telling him I loved him would have helped because he really craves positive affirmations and told me he was anxious the last time because he didn’t know where I stood with him (I have no idea why). Kinda back to what I was saying about his need for a lot of consistent communication. And honestly I get it from his perspective I was the one who broke up with him all those years ago. It would makes sense if he needed verbal affirmations from me that I wasn’t going anywhere

The two relationships which were on again/off again weren't going to work anyway, so you can cross them off.  The only thing you did wrong was go back again after it ended. 

And to be fair, I think your most recent guy was foolish to come back after you'd already broken things off previously.   And even telling him you love him would not make him stay if he was unhappy or wary about you breaking up again.  

1 hour ago, Mresponse said:

and you’re right. I totally am. I’m terrified and I can’t get the panic to go away. I’m very active in my city so it’s not like I’m isolating myself but it’s exhausting to feel this internal panic and rumination. The thing is..I’ve always desired my own family including kids and I feel like a failure

do you feel like I’m exaggerating? That is good to know. I am prone to despair and taking on all the responsibility if a relationship ends. I’ve had the same therapist for 5 yrs and I’m seeking a new one. My therapist thinks I have relationship ocd (that checks out to me) and anxiety. I try to be the best I can be/ try to maintain a structure healthy life at least from the outside. I have a successful career, financial stability, friends, family and fitness so I think that’s what drives me nuts..I keep failing at this one aspect in life. I also have something called auditory processing disorder. It can make me feel incredibly misunderstood and alone in a crowded room and I’ve been trying super hard since I was a kid to try to be “normal”. Some will say I’m very outgoing and warm while others would describe me as shy and withdrawn. I fear that wild swing in how I’m perceived and behave depending on environment takes a tole on partners

I am not all surprised to see that you have a likely diagnosis or three.  I've been reading your despair and wondering about this.   

And do you realise that you're still talking about failing?  Yes, returning to relationships which have ended is a dumb thing to do and that's on you, but why do you assume you did something wrong when relationships end?    

Have you been doing CBT to learn new thinking patterns?  

May I ask how old you are?  If you're mid-late 30's is egg freezing an option?  

[Mresponse]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

The two relationships which were on again/off again weren't going to work anyway, so you can cross them off.  The only thing you did wrong was go back again after it ended. 

And to be fair, I think your most recent guy was foolish to come back after you'd already broken things off previously.   And even telling him you love him would not make him stay if he was unhappy or wary about you breaking up again.  

I am not all surprised to see that you have a likely diagnosis or three.  I've been reading your despair and wondering about this.   

And do you realise that you're still talking about failing?  Yes, returning to relationships which have ended is a dumb thing to do and that's on you, but why do you assume you did something wrong when relationships end?    

Have you been doing CBT to learn new thinking patterns?  

May I ask how old you are?  If you're mid-late 30's is egg freezing an option?  

You don’t think my despair is normal considering the circumstances? Relationships/ making people feel loved is very important to me. With the goal being marriage it’s difficult not to mourn a future that might not happen for me. Because I get so attached to my partners it’s very hard for me to be attract to anyone new 

Why I assume I’ve done something wrong when it ends: because if I’m the one who’s always broken up with then I’m the common denominator. I take it as a sign there is something about me not worth staying for (especially considering these men stay for years). And sometimes the breakup is brutal (guy before this guy we’re talking about broke up with me over the phone at 3am hours before my biggest work presentation. After 2yrs together)and if you’re not surprised that I have a diagnosis I wonder if that makes me crazy? Maybe I feel too much in relationships or I don’t have valid concerns

I’ve been doing cbt and dbt but I don’t feel like it works for me. This is a reason why I’m looking into a new therapist though.

I am in my early 30s.

Edited June 11 by Mresponse

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you really not think these guys could have been better to you in any way? 

11 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

ou don’t think my despair is normal considering the circumstances?

Not to this extent, no. 

12 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

I’ve been doing cbt and dbt but I don’t feel like it works for me.

Have you shared with your therapist all the same looping thoughts you have about yourself and your relationships (and this specific ex) in this thread? 

[Mresponse]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you really not think these guys could have been better to you in any way? 

Not to this extent, no. 

Have you shared with your therapist all the same looping thoughts you have about yourself and your relationships (and this specific ex) in this thread? 

Got it. It’s so intense because I don’t trust myself. I hate younger me for breaking up with him back in the day. It was the wrong decision. Idk how you move on after a life changing error.

And sure. Were they perfect? No but I feel like I’m being picky in hindsight.His second dui made me nervous and I struggled looking at his mugshot, he struggles with depression and anxiety, he would not express what he wanted me to change in the relationship, I worried we were repeating his mom and dads relationship, I worried that he wanted me to be the sole breadwinner and it stressed me out, a bit of codependency and he never wanted to do things out of his comfort zone. We also couldn’t travel due to his dui restrictions

and I meet with a new therapist today. I will show my established therapist this thread when I see her next week. She will not be surprised though- she’s the one who told me she thought I had ocd 

Edited June 11 by Mresponse

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I will show my established therapist this thread when I see her next week. She will not be surprised though- she’s the one who told me she thought I had ocd 

And what strategies has she recommended to deal with this?

3 hours ago, Mresponse said:

His second dui made me nervous

As it should have. I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with someone who hadn't learned his lesson from the first DUI. Choosing to put his own and others' lives at risk yet again is deal-breaking behaviour for me.