What did I do wrong? :Merged threads:

[Sanch62]

37 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

I cannot figure out if it’s something with me or something with my dating market

Or, you just haven't found the needle in your haystack yet. Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds, not something 'wrong' with you.

[Mresponse]

On 6/5/2026 at 1:21 PM, flitzanu said:

 

this is classic "it's not you, it's me" and as the others have said, this whole thing about a small incident missing a message about making a phone call is absolutely ridiculous and sounds like he is exhausting to deal with as a person

I think maybe I was avoidant? I was trying to take things slow and build trust again so he wouldn’t be scared. We talked everyday but maybe I should have invited him to my city more and expressed regularly how much I loved him/ would not leave. And when I’m stressed I like to take some space for myself to regulate my feelings/ don’t feel like I need to tell a partner about every little detail. But the space I take would not be more than 6 hours. When he tried to break up with me the first time it took me about 8hrs to text for two days because I was scared and didn’t know what to say but each day I did text that I cared about him and that I was taking space bc I didn’t know what to say and needed to settle. I just hate myself for it. Maybe I didn’t seem to care enough but I cared so much at least on the inside 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

And when I’m stressed I like to take some space for myself to regulate my feelings/ don’t feel like I need to tell a partner about every little detail. But the space I take would not be more than 6 hours. When he tried to break up with me the first time it took me about 8hrs to text for two days because I was scared and didn’t know what to say but each day I did text that I cared about him and that I was taking space bc I didn’t know what to say and needed to settle. I just hate myself for it.

Why?

Goodness, a 6 hour “space”? People sometimes need space for days and more. How can you possibly blame yourself for that?

Seriously, it sounds to me that you’re utterly exhausted from unreasonable pressure put on you either by yourself or by others who made you believe that you can’t have your own space.

Some of your descriptions of how you were expected to behave in a relationship sound positively suffocating.

[Sanch62]

Where did you get the idea that the proper response to someone breaking up with you is to NOT take space and get right with the fact that a go-to method of resolving conflict by breaking up means that the person is not relationship material in the first place.

Attempting to run back in to save that only compounds the problem, have you noticed?

[Mresponse]

7 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Where did you get the idea that the proper response to someone breaking up with you is to NOT take space and get right with the fact that a go-to method of resolving conflict by breaking up means that the person is not relationship material in the first place.

Attempting to run back in to save that only compounds the problem, have you noticed?

For context I took space before the official, final breakup: he called me super triggered and talked about how he was upset by something I did weeks ago. Instead of allowing me to understand and repair he called me immature and then broke up with me. I cried bc I was obviously shocked by both of these statements. He then retracted the breakup and then that when I took space for two days because I didn’t know what to say and I was scared bc the relationship then felt unstable. He texted me during that time saying how he wanted us and would do anything to make me comfortable. 1 day after saying that he broke up with me for real. 

Edited June 7 by Mresponse

[ExpatInItaly]

Good grief. I wouldn't let this man take me to McDonald's for a one-dollar cone let alone try to be my boyfriend. He would not at all pass the sniff test, nor would I put up with his childish behaviour. 

You need far higher standards, OP. You have flushed your self-worth down the tubes and that will continue to be your biggest problem in dating if you don't get yourself sorted. Have you considered getting some therapy? You have some unhealthy behaviour patterns to address, but not the ones you think. 

[Mresponse]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good grief. I wouldn't let this man take me to McDonald's for a one-dollar cone let alone try to be my boyfriend. He would not at all pass the sniff test, nor would I put up with his childish behaviour. 

You need far higher standards, OP. You have flushed your self-worth down the tubes and that will continue to be your biggest problem in dating if you don't get yourself sorted. Have you considered getting some therapy? You have some unhealthy behaviour patterns to address, but not the ones you think. 

 

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good grief. I wouldn't let this man take me to McDonald's for a one-dollar cone let alone try to be my boyfriend. He would not at all pass the sniff test, nor would I put up with his childish behaviour. 

You need far higher standards, OP. You have flushed your self-worth down the tubes and that will continue to be your biggest problem in dating if you don't get yourself sorted. Have you considered getting some therapy? You have some unhealthy behaviour patterns to address, but not the ones you think. 

He really was so sweet and thoughtful in the first relationship. The return just has me confused.

would you mind telling me what you think my unhealthy behaviors are? I have seen a therapist for years but I don’t feel like it’s been incredibly helpful. Maybe I just need a different therapist.

I have really appreciated all of your responses. I know I’m asking a lot of questions. Thank you 

i believe my unhealthy behaviors are the following:

emotional overwhelm when the relationship feels in danger, need for space after conflict, missing small bids for connection/not providing enough positive affirmations, taking things slow out of fear someone will leave, working through hard or sad things on my own and not telling my partner and just having big emotions overall- I cannot control my tears if things feel unsafe and can get defensive when a partner calls me a name during conflict, strong independence/ desire to fill week with things unrelated to the relationship (partially out of fear that I’ll lose them if I get closer and like them more). Lack of understanding of what it takes to make someone feel safe. Emotional looping/obsessing (like relationship ocd)

Edited June 7 by Mresponse

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

would you mind telling me what you think my unhealthy behaviors are?

Blaming yourself for everything, blinding yourself to his bad behaviour, desperately twisting yourself in knots to accommodate his bad behaviour and chasing after him when he has been out of line. 

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

I have seen a therapist for years but I don’t feel like it’s been incredibly helpful.

Print out what you have written in these threads to make it very clear to the therapist what sort of dynamic you are engaged in with this man. 

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Blaming yourself for everything, blinding yourself to his bad behaviour, desperately twisting yourself in knots to accommodate his bad behaviour and chasing after him when he has been out of line. 

Yep, exactly. What kind of person calls someone names during a conflict? An 8 year old.

The guy projects everything wrong with himself onto you, and you believe him instead of seeing what he's doing.

You've noted this guy's intimacy aversion from even your first go-round with him. Now it's showing up again, and instead of noting this incompatibility as something you won't accept in a relationship as you move forward to seek a healthy, secure, and relatable man, you want to pretzel yourself to cater to this nonsense and accommodate him.

Stop making excuses for this guy. He kicked you to the curb because of his own problems, but not before scapegoating you.

[Mresponse]

18 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Yep, exactly. What kind of person calls someone names during a conflict? An 8 year old.

The guy projects everything wrong with himself onto you, and you believe him instead of seeing what he's doing.

You've noted this guy's intimacy aversion from even your first go-round with him. Now it's showing up again, and instead of noting this incompatibility as something you won't accept in a relationship as you move forward to seek a healthy, secure, and relatable man, you want to pretzel yourself to cater to this nonsense and accommodate him.

Stop making excuses for this guy. He kicked you to the curb because of his own problems, but not before scapegoating you.

When I look on social media I keep getting messages that if a man leaves a woman or a woman is the one who is always broken up with that she’s the common denominator..meaning something is wrong with her. And I cannot shake that thought. 
 

i am so appreciative of everyone’s comments within this thread. I have been reading these reply’s over and over. I do hope you’re right and that it’s a reflection of his own internal pain/issues and not me

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

When I look on social media I keep getting messages that if a man leaves a woman or a woman is the one who is always broken up with that she’s the common denominator..meaning something is wrong with her. And I cannot shake that thought. 
 

You need to be asking yourself why you assign so much importance to social media, especially when social media does not know your personal context or circumstancs. 

Sometimes the woman in question, for instance, doesn't have a solid sense of self and repeatedly chooses men who are not good for her. We can see it plain as day in how hard you're twisting yourself trying to stop this man from leaving you. 

This man is not the amazing guy you think he is. 

 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

When I look on social media I keep getting messages that if a man leaves a woman or a woman is the one who is always broken up with that she’s the common denominator..meaning something is wrong with her. And I cannot shake that thought. 

Well-meaning people can sure butcher a concept. Nothing is this simplistic, especially generalizations about gender. Everyone who didn't marry their first sweetheart suffers the slings and arrows of dating, and nobody makes it through without racking up their fair share of rejections. But the common denominator isn't about making one 'wrong' and everyone else 'right.' It's about factors such as whether one keeps choosing the same kind of people over and over again--or putting up with lousy behavior even while taking the blame for it.

You seem willing to hold onto a guy at all costs, and you don't even recognize how that harms you in terms of repeating the same pleasing behavior with the next guy. This will keep prompting men to take you for granted and value you as little as you value yourself. This will keep you accepting less-than-stellar matches, and round you go.

 

[Mresponse]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

Well-meaning people can sure butcher a concept. Nothing is this simplistic, especially generalizations about gender. Everyone who didn't marry their first sweetheart suffers the slings and arrows of dating, and nobody makes it through without racking up their fair share of rejections. But the common denominator isn't about making one 'wrong' and everyone else 'right.' It's about factors such as whether one keeps choosing the same kind of people over and over again--or putting up with lousy behavior even while taking the blame for it.

You seem willing to hold onto a guy at all costs, and you don't even recognize how that harms you in terms of repeating the same pleasing behavior with the next guy. This will keep prompting men to take you for granted and value you as little as you value yourself. This will keep you accepting less-than-stellar matches, and round you go.

 

It just seems like so many women who treat men like crap or are disregulated attract men who would do anything for them. Meanwhile, I’ve done the work, the therapy, I have a good job and my own life and yet I get treated poorly. I hear you that you think it’s because I want to please but I start off very confident and bubbly and they slowly rip me in two. Yet other women who are the same get wife’d up and never experience the pain that I do. It just makes me sad that  no matter how put together I am men want to tear me apart and now I feel like there no point in building myself up again because it feels inevitable that men will continue to want to take my joy and tell me my feelings are too much. I only bend when I’ve been in the relationship for years and they just don’t care about me anymore. I’m until they find something better

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mresponse said:

It just seems like so many women who treat men like crap or are disregulated attract men who would do anything for them.

And exactly what kind of men do you think they are attracting? Heallthy, stable ones with a good head on their shoulder? Not very likely or they wouldn't put up with mistreatmemt. 

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

Yet other women who are the same get wife’d up and never experience the pain that I do

Do you view being "wifed up" as a marker of happiness? Surely you realize plenty of people are in unhappy marriages, too. One of my dearest friends has been married for years and seems happy on the outside. Because we are very close and she shares a lot with me, I know that behind closed the doors the marriage is rocky, unfulfilling, often volatile and very lonely for her. She has spent many nights crying herself to sleep and longing for hapiness again. Very few people know this is what her marriage is really like. Just because a couple stays together or are married doesn't necessarily mean it 's a good relationship or that the people don't experience pain. People sometimes stay with partners not becuase they're happy but because they fear the altnerative or unknown,. 

[Mresponse]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And exactly what kind of men do you think they are attracting? Heallthy, stable ones with a good head on their shoulder? Not very likely or they wouldn't put up with mistreatmemt. 

Do you view being "wifed up" as a marker of happiness? Surely you realize plenty of people are in unhappy marriages, too. One of my dearest friends has been married for years and seems happy on the outside. Because we are very close and she shares a lot with me, I know that behind closed the doors the marriage is rocky, unfulfilling, often volatile and very lonely for her. She has spent many nights crying herself to sleep and longing for hapiness again. Very few people know this is what her marriage is really like. Just because a couple stays together or are married doesn't necessarily mean it 's a good relationship or that the people don't experience pain. People sometimes stay with partners not becuase they're happy but because they fear the altnerative or unknown,. 

 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And exactly what kind of men do you think they are attracting? Heallthy, stable ones with a good head on their shoulder? Not very likely or they wouldn't put up with mistreatmemt. 

Do you view being "wifed up" as a marker of happiness? Surely you realize plenty of people are in unhappy marriages, too. One of my dearest friends has been married for years and seems happy on the outside. Because we are very close and she shares a lot with me, I know that behind closed the doors the marriage is rocky, unfulfilling, often volatile and very lonely for her. She has spent many nights crying herself to sleep and longing for hapiness again. Very few people know this is what her marriage is really like. Just because a couple stays together or are married doesn't necessarily mean it 's a good relationship or that the people don't experience pain. People sometimes stay with partners not becuase they're happy but because they fear the altnerative or unknown,. 

You’re so right. I know there are a ton of people in unhappy marriages! But I mean I find it alarming that I can’t even get someone stay and in the forum I know you can see how badly I want to be chosen. What does that say about me? Men will pick someone else even if it ends in an unhappy marriage. How do I beat that feeling that something is wrong with me?

and no I don’t wish to be in a sad marriage but why does love feel so hard and conditional for me? When I will always show up to a relationship with unconditional love/ no desire to leave 

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, Mresponse said:

i believe my unhealthy behaviors are the following:

emotional overwhelm when the relationship feels in danger, need for space after conflict, missing small bids for connection/not providing enough positive affirmations, taking things slow out of fear someone will leave, working through hard or sad things on my own and not telling my partner and just having big emotions overall- I cannot control my tears if things feel unsafe and can get defensive when a partner calls me a name during conflict, strong independence/ desire to fill week with things unrelated to the relationship (partially out of fear that I’ll lose them if I get closer and like them more). Lack of understanding of what it takes to make someone feel safe. Emotional looping/obsessing (like relationship ocd)

What?

These aren’t unhealthy behaviors, these are healthy reactions to bad things that partners put you through.

Seriously, OP, it feels like someone has been systematically guilt tripping you for years.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Mresponse said:

When I look on social media I keep getting messages that if a man leaves a woman or a woman is the one who is always broken up with that she’s the common denominator..meaning something is wrong with her. And I cannot shake that thought. 

You do realize that is bullshit, right?

Please get far away from whatever social media you’ve been perusing.

You’ve been guilt tripped to the point that you can’t see reality clearly anymore.

[Gebidozo]

56 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

I know you can see how badly I want to be chosen. What does that say about me?

Exactly this, that you want to be “chosen” too badly and put up with all sorts of crap just not to be alone.

The longer I live, the more I become convinced that every person should learn how to love themselves first, to be complete and self-sufficient on their own, to feel fine with being alone, to not view being single as a tragedy and being married as something inherently positive, in order to have a shot at a healthy, happy relationship with someone.

[basil67]

On 6/6/2026 at 7:00 PM, Mresponse said:

I’m so afraid that no one will ever stay and love me unconditionally

Unconditional love has no place in a healthy relationship involving two adults

There should always be conditions based around things such as treating each other respectfully, enjoying each other's company, having compatible goals, being able to solve issues together, generally being a good team together and of course, fidelity.   

You mentioned earlier that you moved three hours away for work - now for me, a condition of being in a relationship is easy proximity.  If someone moved three hours away and I wasn't able to go too, then this will be the end of the relationship. 

Edited June 8 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Unconditional love has no place in a healthy relationship involving two adults

There should always be conditions based around things such as treating each other respectfully, enjoying each other's company, having compatible goals, being able to solve issues together, generally being a good team together and of course, fidelity. 

I was about to write the same thing. 

OP, where did you get the idea that unconditional love is the benchmark of a healthy relationship or being a valued partner? Many people I know who are stuck on this idea of unconditional love are the same ones who lack boundaries and put up with all kinds of awful behaviour because they "love" the other person. 

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You’ve been guilt tripped to the point that you can’t see reality clearly anymore.

I agree with this, too. Your mindset is very concerning, OP, because you have lost healthy perspective along the way. I don't know that any of us here can really help you with that as it seems very deep-rooted inside you. This is why I suggested printing off what you have written in these threads and taking it to your therapist, so he or she can have real insight into your psyche and help guide you towards emotional fulfillment and true well-being. Your're operating from a place of scarcity, low self-esteem and fear here and it seems you have been doing so for a long time.

[Mresponse]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Unconditional love has no place in a healthy relationship involving two adults

There should always be conditions based around things such as treating each other respectfully, enjoying each other's company, having compatible goals, being able to solve issues together, generally being a good team together and of course, fidelity.   

You mentioned earlier that you moved three hours away for work - now for me, a condition of being in a relationship is easy proximity.  If someone moved three hours away and I wasn't able to go too, then this will be the end of the relationship. 

When I say “unconditional” I mean I wish it was safe for me to not be perfect. Like to get upset sometimes or forget some things  but alway take accountability and apologize. But to me, love feels like one false move and I will be left

[Mresponse]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was about to write the same thing. 

OP, where did you get the idea that unconditional love is the benchmark of a healthy relationship or being a valued partner? Many people I know who are stuck on this idea of unconditional love are the same ones who lack boundaries and put up with all kinds of awful behaviour because they "love" the other person. 

I agree with this, too. Your mindset is very concerning, OP, because you have lost healthy perspective along the way. I don't know that any of us here can really help you with that as it seems very deep-rooted inside you. This is why I suggested printing off what you have written in these threads and taking it to your therapist, so he or she can have real insight into your psyche and help guide you towards emotional fulfillment and true well-being. Your're operating from a place of scarcity, low self-esteem and fear here and it seems you have been doing so for a long time.

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was about to write the same thing. 

OP, where did you get the idea that unconditional love is the benchmark of a healthy relationship or being a valued partner? Many people I know who are stuck on this idea of unconditional love are the same ones who lack boundaries and put up with all kinds of awful behaviour because they "love" the other person. 

I agree with this, too. Your mindset is very concerning, OP, because you have lost healthy perspective along the way. I don't know that any of us here can really help you with that as it seems very deep-rooted inside you. This is why I suggested printing off what you have written in these threads and taking it to your therapist, so he or she can have real insight into your psyche and help guide you towards emotional fulfillment and true well-being. Your're operating from a place of scarcity, low self-esteem and fear here and it seems you have been doing so for a long time.

You hit the nail on the head. I do put up with hurtful things because I think love means patience and staying. And I always assume the other person did not intentionally mean to hurt me. I hear you.

thanks for being honest with me. I really am trying/ looking into a new therapist and maybe some ocd counseling. And even if it doesn’t seem like yall are getting through to me..you really have helped. I just hate that I haven’t made some of my partners feel valued and like a priority…that scares me because I have no idea what action of mine causes them to feel that way. I have an amazing family and very sweet, deep friendships.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mresponse said:

I just hate that I haven’t made some of my partners feel valued and like a priority

You realize you have also been manipulated into believing this by men like your ex who knows exactly how to make everything your fault? 

 

[Mresponse]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You realize you have also been manipulated into believing this by men like your ex who knows exactly how to make everything your fault? 

 

 

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You realize you have also been manipulated into believing this by men like your ex who knows exactly how to make everything your fault? 

 

Can we know that for sure though? I wish you could have been a fly on the wall for this. Because I really don’t know if I’m not texting enough or I take too much space. I just go off of what feels natural to me. Even if manipulation took place I still want to know my faults. 
 

and what if my ex is right? Maybe my communication IS immature. How do you break down a situation to find the truth