I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[mark clemson]

I'm not sure what purpose reporting the affair to her HR would serve if she's going to leave. It might do more damage than you expect - a business is not a court of law and plenty of people have lost their jobs over accusations (proven true or not) or the appearance of impropriety.

It might hurt the other guy. Perhaps that is something you "need". There are those for whom revenge is part of their processing. It might also cost you a little money if they fire her (but not THAT much if she's going to leave anyhow). Her leaving is costing a lot, but of course I totally get not accepting her continuing to work there long term.

At the risk of stating what's obvious, if you really think you intend to divorce, it's probably best (from a financial perspective) to wait for her to get a new job if you can tolerate that.

From a "fully logical" perspective IMO, IF you (with certainty) want to divorce, there's no actual point in asking her to quit the job at all. However, people are rarely fully logical, myself included, and I'm certainly not suggesting you accept her staying there, especially since you are still sorting this out.

Edited November 13, 2020 by mark clemson

[S2B]

So she quit but she still works until January?

that’s not quitting! IF she values your marriage she would never ever go to one more day of work there!

she quit... that’s laughable! And disgusting - she’s still lying!

 

AND now she is sleeping at the house again - man she has worked her way back in without changing a thing. She hasn’t had to do the hard work yet.

Edited November 13, 2020 by S2B

[TobyBoy]

Who actually knows about the affair? Surely she was confiding with someone. 
 

Oh, she’s definitely reading/or participating in some forum. The NC text and wanting you to read it first gave It away,  which is good, she may not trickle truth you so much. 

[Zona]

It was a tactical error to tell your WW that you had a consultation with an attorney. She undoubtedly will now start lining up ducks for a possible divorce and consult a lawyer herself. You have lost the element of surprise.

I know it hurts to think about, but she has shown you how dishonest and deceitful she can be.

#1 priority is to protect yourself and your kids. Don't agree to reconciliation until you have time to decide if that is what you really want, and until she has shown you consistent work and progress over some period of time. It takes most WW's a while to get out of the fog and become genuinely remorseful.

Edited November 13, 2020 by Zona

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

49 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not sure what purpose reporting the affair to her HR would serve if she's going to leave. It might do more damage than you expect - a business is not a court of law and plenty of people have lost their jobs over accusations (proven true or not) or the appearance of impropriety.

It might hurt the other guy. Perhaps that is something you "need". There are those for whom revenge is part of their processing. It might also cost you a little money if they fire her (but not THAT much if she's going to leave anyhow). Her leaving is costing a lot, but of course I totally get not accepting her continuing to work there long term.

At the risk of stating what's obvious, if you really think you intend to divorce, it's probably best (from a financial perspective) to wait for her to get a new job if you can tolerate that.

From a "fully logical" perspective IMO, IF you (with certainty) want to divorce, there's no actual point in asking her to quit the job at all. However, people are rarely fully logical, myself included, and I'm certainly not suggesting you accept her staying there, especially since you are still sorting this out.

Yeah, I am not going the HR route. It would not do us any good. I feel strong desire to go after SH, but it's too soon for this. I should be focused on my marriage and kids, not going after some loser.
 

Money is not a problem. Yes, we are pretty much depleted since we finished our house just last year and still are putting money into it (last touches, furniture, garden), but we could survive on my wages alone. I make pretty decent money. I don't worry about that, it's not part of the equation. I just don't want her being in a same office as SH. Even if they work from home now. 
 

35 minutes ago, S2B said:

So she quit but she still works until January?

that’s not quitting! IF she values your marriage she would never ever go to one more day of work there!

she quit... that’s laughable! And disgusting - she’s still lying!

 

AND now she is sleeping at the house again - man she has worked her way back in without changing a thing. She hasn’t had to do the hard work yet.

Yes, she still has to work up till 1st of January. She put her notice this morning and asked for as short period as possible. Her contract states 2 full months beginnig from the month after you put in your notice. That means 1st of February. So this is more than generous. If She broke the contact it would have severe consequences. That's pretty much standard here in our country. 
 

And she wanted to spend the night with girls. We finished talking pretty late and when I was gone I missed my kids like crazy. So I have some compassion. So what

Edited November 13, 2020 by MrFlibble_is_very_cross

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

5 minutes ago, Zona said:

It was a tactical error to tell your WW that you had a consultation with an attorney. She undoubtedly will now start lining up ducks for a possible divorce and consult a lawyer herself. You have lost the element of surprise.

I know it hurts to think about, but she has shown you how dishonest and deceitful she can be.

#1 priority is to protect yourself and your kids.

Yes, she should get an lawyer. I told her so. It's a very strong possibility I will file for a divorce before the end of a year.

Agree on priorities. We both want what's best for our girls. 

[Narie]

1 hour ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Again, thank you all. I didn't expect so many people to spend their time helping an internet stranger. It's amazing. You are amazing. Thank you

 

Small update..

 

This was was the hardest day so far because reality set in for good. This is real. This is my life now. I thought this will be better than that limbo we were before, but now I am not so sure. 

 

We talked a lot this evening, about our feelings and thoughts mostly. I am still not sure how to continue, I know it's still too early for any kind of resolution but sometimes I feel like running away and leaving it all behind. If there were no children involved that's what I would probably do. I would just leave and left this nightmare behind.

 

So, facts:

My wife did put her notice at work this morning. She has some vacation days left since we cancelled our vacation this summer due to Covid but still has to work for at least another 6 weeks. She is free as of 1st of January. New year, new start I guess.

 

She asked me if She should report the affair to HR. At the moment I don't see any benefit. If she denied everything and I found out any other way I would be the one reporting it and going after them both.

 

And I'm not even sure what would go down if it was reported. Nothing perhaps, he's not her boss. They are peers. And there is no proof they did anything inappropriate during work hours. He could easily deny any wrongdoings.

 

One interesting fact came up today regarding her job. Their "relationship" was apparently a public secret at her workplace. Or more like on their team (7 people). She said people knew they are very "friendly", made comments, but didn't know about the affair. I reckon They were not that low key as they thought they were. Wonder now if her boss knew.

 

Fortunately they finished their joint project last month and now basicaly just coexist on a team without much direct contact.

Looks like they are keeping NC, at least for now. WFH is tremendous help in this. Apparently they used to spend a lot of time chatting at work either in person or through IM. W told me they kept it very clean as this chanell is monitored. Another news for me. I feel like it's getting worse every time we speak. And I know It's expected and It's probably a right thing meaning she's not trying to cover her track and is being honest.. but hell, it hurts.

 

We also spoke about her feelings toward him. She denies she fell in love him or had any deeper feelings. He made her feel appreciated (professionaly, not personaly) and later as it progressed she felt desired (She even gave me that damned "you do that to, but with him it was different" line).

We spoke sbout our marriage, what problems we had between us that the other didn't know or didn't realise. And we also spoken about problems the other was too stubborn or afraid of rocking the boat to tell. I told her I have 50% responsibility for our marriage but her affair is her doing. She told me She knows this but I disagreed and told her I feel like she's really still not taking the full blame as she should.

 

This ended in long fight just jumping all over the place without going anywhere. I am not proud but I then unloaded on her all my frustrations from last 3 days and wasn't overall very pleasant. She took it and let me vent without much objection besides when I accused her of sleeping with him from the start. 

Then we talked about my feelings and thoughts. I think she finally starts to realize the depth of what she did to our marriage and it's obvious it's crushing her more and more. 

 

We were both completely exhausted after the fight so we called it quits for now. She told me at the end that it's horrible what she's putting us through but she will never stop fighting and asked me to do the same. I told her I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. But today was a really bad day so I don't want to let that cloud my mind.

 

She asked me if she could sleep here tonight, so she's now asleep in kid's room and I am staying in our bed writing this on my phone.

 

One day at a time. 

 

 

Yeah, and after today I am now certain she browses some infidelity websites because it's like she's going by the book one line after another. 

She's offering a timeline (reminded her I already have one but would love if she could complete it), reporting her affair to HR and she even spoke about therapy for herself. 

Not sure how I feel about that. 

Mr. Flibbles out. 

Maybe it's possible she's browsing here lol..so she already knew what's going on 

[Narie]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

So she quit but she still works until January?

that’s not quitting! IF she values your marriage she would never ever go to one more day of work there!

she quit... that’s laughable! And disgusting - she’s still lying!

 

AND now she is sleeping at the house again - man she has worked her way back in without changing a thing. She hasn’t had to do the hard work yet.

Who knows if they didn't talk while at work. If they didn't talk about OP finding about their affair? 

Everyone in their office noticed them so I also think they knew something is already going on between them. 

I am actually thinking it's one of the reasons why she asked if it should be reported to the HR - maybe she told him about it and asked her about it since it will affect hin as well. The next day, she will tell him so he can be at peace.

I just cannot imagine myself going back at work knowing my husband caught me. Everyone in the office will definitely notice something if I started avoiding him.

[DKT3]

Moving towards divorce when infidelity is involved is the best path in my opinion.  

I don't ever recall hearing a betrayed spouse say I filed too quickly.  But often hear I wish I had filed earlier. 

Affairs suck, searching for the actual truth sucks, worrying about what your cheating spouse is doing when away from you sucks. Divorce sucks, however,  its the quickest way to get resolution.  Be it the truth and genuine effort to work on the marriage or simply getting out of infidelity.  When your wayward spouses are stripped of the need to lie usually brings truth. Or they realize that only truth has a chance to save or salvage an opportunity. 

With that being said,  your anger and shock will subside, fear of the unknown will soon replace it. You will begin to bargain with yourself. How will this affect the kids, my time with my kids, what will it cost me, how long before she has this guy or someone else around my kids. 

You will struggle with these things in the weeks and months ahead. 

Move forward,  either your wife will decide she really wants to be married to you and figure out how to make it happen or she won't.  Worse thing you can do is nothing. 

[MickeyBill]

No reason to go to HR but your W should continue WAH until she leaves.

In almost every office that I worked in, there were people who were a wee bit too close...everyone would notice how they acted.  Sometimes the people would  leave within like 5 minute of each other, one announcing they are  going to XYZ the other say they are going to the dentist or something stupid. We knew but didn't really care. Did they call each other their work-wife or work-husband, I have seen that too. Sort of creepy.

[Ruby Slippers]

25 minutes ago, MickeyBill said:

In almost every office that I worked in, there were people who were a wee bit too close...everyone would notice how they acted.

I worked at this one place where these two people were so obviously having an affair. They constantly took smoke breaks together, laughed and teased each other like teenagers, looked at each other practically drooling.

They were both married. I felt really sorry for both of their spouses. Not only were they cheating - they were parading their affair in front of all these people. So disrespectful. I doubt I could stay with someone who would disrespect me to that degree. 

[Pottering About]

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by some of the comments.

 

Is your wife still working from home and, if so, when may she have to return to working in the office? If she is WFH, doesn’t that mean NC will still continue? She leaves on 1st January and, if she does have to go back in to work, I can not see her falling into the arms of the other man, more keeping an embarrassed distance.

 

Your wife may have browsed some infidelity web sites. Is this actually a bad thing? Wouldn’t you be doing the same thing when dealing with a new situation to help you stay married? If you found the advice helpful, why wouldn’t you follow it? Seems like a positive step to me.

 

it is a kick in the guts to know others at work knew what was going on. Do you know any of them or have any ongoing contact? If not, you don’t have to deal with them and any gossip will rapidly be yesterday’s news. She has resigned and will quickly be forgotten.

 

What does she have to do to show she fully takes responsibility for her actions? She seems pretty crushed to me. If she did not have sex with him, how does she prove it?  Very difficult to prove a negative!

 

Your wife has resigned and I think this is the right thing to do. However, I do not think you should underestimate the impact of her leaving her job will have and she may well mourn that loss. The risk is that you may see any mourning on her part as being for the other man. It is a big step for a woman to go back out into the world and start a new job and many partners do not understand that. She will probably feel she has failed and is in a far worse position than when she changed from being a SAHM.
 

It is not just about money, it is about status and self worth. How you support her in that could have a significant impact on any future relationship because, if you do stay together, she is going to want to work again, Whilst you will always have fears and doubts, any new job gives her the opportunity to show she can do things properly and succeed. It also gives you the opportunity to support her more as per my other post. A big step, I know but the greater risk is her feeling unfulfilled, having aspirations crushed and becoming resentful so that any future relationship becomes increasingly toxic.

 

Do you think last night was when your marriage hit rock bottom, or got close to it? If so, might this be the point at which you move forwards and upwards? I am glad you haven’t filed yet, please don’t rush into that. Sometimes I read posts and think why on earth are you staying but not in this case. Staying married here is not a sign of weakness or being a doormat. Staying married here if that is what you want, is a sign of strength and of you being he better man. Never mind the comments of those who want to see your marriage fail. Their advice may come from  a good place but it is your life.

 

One day I may do a short post.

[Narie]

1 hour ago, Pottering About said:

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by some of the comments.

 

Is your wife still working from home and, if so, when may she have to return to working in the office? If she is WFH, doesn’t that mean NC will still continue? She leaves on 1st January and, if she does have to go back in to work, I can not see her falling into the arms of the other man, more keeping an embarrassed distance.

 

Your wife may have browsed some infidelity web sites. Is this actually a bad thing? Wouldn’t you be doing the same thing when dealing with a new situation to help you stay married? If you found the advice helpful, why wouldn’t you follow it? Seems like a positive step to me.

 

it is a kick in the guts to know others at work knew what was going on. Do you know any of them or have any ongoing contact? If not, you don’t have to deal with them and any gossip will rapidly be yesterday’s news. She has resigned and will quickly be forgotten.

 

What does she have to do to show she fully takes responsibility for her actions? She seems pretty crushed to me. If she did not have sex with him, how does she prove it?  Very difficult to prove a negative!

 

Your wife has resigned and I think this is the right thing to do. However, I do not think you should underestimate the impact of her leaving her job will have and she may well mourn that loss. The risk is that you may see any mourning on her part as being for the other man. It is a big step for a woman to go back out into the world and start a new job and many partners do not understand that. She will probably feel she has failed and is in a far worse position than when she changed from being a SAHM.
 

It is not just about money, it is about status and self worth. How you support her in that could have a significant impact on any future relationship because, if you do stay together, she is going to want to work again, Whilst you will always have fears and doubts, any new job gives her the opportunity to show she can do things properly and succeed. It also gives you the opportunity to support her more as per my other post. A big step, I know but the greater risk is her feeling unfulfilled, having aspirations crushed and becoming resentful so that any future relationship becomes increasingly toxic.

 

Do you think last night was when your marriage hit rock bottom, or got close to it? If so, might this be the point at which you move forwards and upwards? I am glad you haven’t filed yet, please don’t rush into that. Sometimes I read posts and think why on earth are you staying but not in this case. Staying married here is not a sign of weakness or being a doormat. Staying married here if that is what you want, is a sign of strength and of you being he better man. Never mind the comments of those who want to see your marriage fail. Their advice may come from  a good place but it is your life.

 

One day I may do a short post.

It is not his problem but hers. If she hadn't cheated on her husband, lied and said some words to him during the time that he was starting to have suspicions then this whole dilemma wouldn't happen. If she focused on her job and not flirting with a man she barely knew, then she wouldn't have to lose her job.

This is what happens when you cheat. You will destroy your partner/boyfriend/spouse's heart and trust, your family - EVERYTHING. 

HE Trusted her and she destroyed it. So now that she got caught then everything must be about her? "POOR HER" WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER? SHE WILL BE SAD, WHAT TO DO? HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE HER EASILY THIS TIME? WHY ARE YOH TRYING TO MAKE HER WORK TO GAIN YOUR TRUST?

Again, if she hadn't cheated then there will be nothing to fix. 

 

Anyways OP, I think it is better if you will not post too much info about your plan in here, since it seems your wife may have joined infidelity forums.. it is highly possible for her to see this forum, join and read your post. So whatever your next plan is, she will be able to prepare.. even if use polygraph to test her reaction,  if she read it here then she can just easily pretend to really be up for it. 

Edited November 13, 2020 by Narie

[Buffer]

 Hey brother your emotions will naturally rise and fall, evenly by the hour. Talk to her, tell her why you are having the anger issues when triggering. 
She does have to own it. Her other team members had noticed their actions. So she was not that good at hiding their interactions. 
Now that she has to seek new employment. IC for the both of you. Don’t rug sweep her actions as well as let her tell you how you feel. Make no long term relationship decisions for now. Let her know that D is not off the table. Still try to exercise, eat well and keep off the booze. 
at least you two are able to still talk. 
One day at a time. 
Buffer

[usa1ah]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, that's is what I meant. Not that the OP is not hurt confused, angry, justifiably, but that some techniques do not  seem to be those of a man who keeps stating he loves his wife and hopes  to work things out.

I agree however that while she admitted to some things the 'whole truth' may never be learned as it often isn't. It's fair to say she stepped way out of bounds outside the marriage. And this is not something to simply forgive/forget or brush under the rug.

I do hope it works out and whatever she admitted to can be worked out through marriage therapists, who are trained to deal with issues better. Things will be up and down and all over the place when your foundation is shaken like this. You start to wonder what was ever real and what wasn't.

So you would be clear minded enough to do everything right? Let’s all bow down to your godlessness. 
 

OP has done nothing to bring on the wrath that you are showering on him. 
 

He has his wife at her parents house. 
 

He isn’t treating her like a hoe sexually like some BS have done. 
 

He is honest about not loving her the same. 
 

He is honest about talking with a divorce lawyer. 
 

He is not berating her and calling her every name in the book. 
 

so how is he torturing her?

Edited November 13, 2020 by usa1ah

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

@DKT3 by moving forward you mean filing for divorce? Not sure about that. I did my homework last night and looks like if we come to an agreement about kids and our house it could be done in 3 month. I think it's would be too fast

5 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by some of the comments.

 

Is your wife still working from home and, if so, when may she have to return to working in the office? If she is WFH, doesn’t that mean NC will still continue? She leaves on 1st January and, if she does have to go back in to work, I can not see her falling into the arms of the other man, more keeping an embarrassed distance.

 

Your wife may have browsed some infidelity web sites. Is this actually a bad thing? Wouldn’t you be doing the same thing when dealing with a new situation to help you stay married? If you found the advice helpful, why wouldn’t you follow it? Seems like a positive step to me.

 

it is a kick in the guts to know others at work knew what was going on. Do you know any of them or have any ongoing contact? If not, you don’t have to deal with them and any gossip will rapidly be yesterday’s news. She has resigned and will quickly be forgotten.

 

What does she have to do to show she fully takes responsibility for her actions? She seems pretty crushed to me. If she did not have sex with him, how does she prove it?  Very difficult to prove a negative!

 

Your wife has resigned and I think this is the right thing to do. However, I do not think you should underestimate the impact of her leaving her job will have and she may well mourn that loss. The risk is that you may see any mourning on her part as being for the other man. It is a big step for a woman to go back out into the world and start a new job and many partners do not understand that. She will probably feel she has failed and is in a far worse position than when she changed from being a SAHM.
 

It is not just about money, it is about status and self worth. How you support her in that could have a significant impact on any future relationship because, if you do stay together, she is going to want to work again, Whilst you will always have fears and doubts, any new job gives her the opportunity to show she can do things properly and succeed. It also gives you the opportunity to support her more as per my other post. A big step, I know but the greater risk is her feeling unfulfilled, having aspirations crushed and becoming resentful so that any future relationship becomes increasingly toxic.

 

Do you think last night was when your marriage hit rock bottom, or got close to it? If so, might this be the point at which you move forwards and upwards? I am glad you haven’t filed yet, please don’t rush into that. Sometimes I read posts and think why on earth are you staying but not in this case. Staying married here is not a sign of weakness or being a doormat. Staying married here if that is what you want, is a sign of strength and of you being he better man. Never mind the comments of those who want to see your marriage fail. Their advice may come from  a good place but it is your life.

 

One day I may do a short post.

Yes, She's still WFH. Will proboblay till January. I do not know any of her coworker, we met like 4 times maybe and are not in a contact. 
 

Regarding rock bottom - No. We are not there yet I'm afraid. I obviously fear the worst - that they were having sex. That would be rock bottom and It would mean end of our marriage. 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Narie said:

Anyways OP, I think it is better if you will not post too much info about your plan in here, since it seems your wife may have joined infidelity forums.. it is highly possible for her to see this forum, join and read your post. So whatever your next plan is, she will be able to prepare.. even if use polygraph to test her reaction,  if she read it here then she can just easily pretend to really be up for it. 

It is naïve to think that the BS has somehow an advantage in that they have sole access to info on infidelity and that the WS is some idiotic person who will be blindsided by the BS's superior knowledge on the subject... 

She works in a bank, she can read, articles on infidelity are all over the internet, so any "plans" are hardly going to be a surprise... 
The WS  may indeed have been reading all about infidelity since the moment she contemplated stepping out.
I guess if she wasn't then, she is now.                                                                                              

[Wiseman2]

She may be talking to her attorney and a therapist, not wasting time on infidelity forums.

It seems she has her ducks in a row already to plan her departure. And getting a job was most likely the first step.

This may have been during the affair, or since you mentioned divorce.

You as well would be better off listening to expert legal advice and expert therapy advice than on any sort of infidelity forums.

 

[Pottering About]

You have said earlier that sex and ILY were your lines in the sand which is perfectly understandable. With regard to the possibility of them having sex, you seem to move from seriously thinking they had sex to being 99% sure they didn’t. Do you know what triggers the different moods and is there a way to filter out the damaging triggers?

 

I didn’t realise your wife worked in a bank which, from my experience of HR changes things. Banks take a very dim view of anything that could tarnish their name and reputation. At the very least, any exposure or blowing up of any affair would be damaging to his career at a still relatively early point in his working life and could lead to disciplinary procedures.

 

How would you feel about using this to get the OM’s side of the story with the threat of full exposure to his employees if there was no reply or anything short of full disclosure? I don’t think your wife will ever admit to having she with him if indeed it ever happened. She has constantly said they didn’t have sex, that she did not love him and they made no plans together but I don’t see how she can 100% prove that to your satisfaction. Contacting the OM is not without risk. He may say they had sex to f*ck with your mind or he may down play everything. However, as with your wife’s statements regarding sex, ILY etc, you are probably just have to go with your gut feeling.

 

Does he have copies of the texts by the way?

[schlumpy]

16 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

How would you feel about using this to get the OM’s side of the story with the threat of full exposure to his employees if there was no reply or anything short of full disclosure? I don’t think your wife will ever admit to having she with him if indeed it ever happened. She has constantly said they didn’t have sex, that she did not love him and they made no plans together but I don’t see how she can 100% prove that to your satisfaction. Contacting the OM is not without risk. He may say they had sex to f*ck with your mind or he may down play everything. However, as with your wife’s statements regarding sex, ILY etc, you are probably just have to go with your gut feeling.

That's why he needs a timeline of the affair from his wife. If he were to contact the OM for his side of the story, the timeline would be invaluable in determining the truth.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

At the very least, any exposure or blowing up of any affair would be damaging to his career at a still relatively early point 

Why complicate things further with zero useful results? Is an alleged affair partner really a source of accurate info? This would look like a crazed jealous spouse...a great thing to have documented when the inevitable divorce happens and this tidbit of nonsense is entered during the custody hearing?

Someone's struggling marriage and family is not a fantasy football game.

This is why legal advice is better than all the emotional and vicious boloney from the hateful cacophony on infidelity sites.

Info that's not even needed to proceed with marriage therapy and/or separation/divorce.

There's really no point in amusing  Hollywood detours when a marriage/family is in this much peril.

Calm, cool collected and professionally advised is the best way forward.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by some of the comments.

 

Is your wife still working from home and, if so, when may she have to return to working in the office? If she is WFH, doesn’t that mean NC will still continue? She leaves on 1st January and, if she does have to go back in to work, I can not see her falling into the arms of the other man, more keeping an embarrassed distance.

 

Your wife may have browsed some infidelity web sites. Is this actually a bad thing? Wouldn’t you be doing the same thing when dealing with a new situation to help you stay married? If you found the advice helpful, why wouldn’t you follow it? Seems like a positive step to me.

 

it is a kick in the guts to know others at work knew what was going on. Do you know any of them or have any ongoing contact? If not, you don’t have to deal with them and any gossip will rapidly be yesterday’s news. She has resigned and will quickly be forgotten.

 

What does she have to do to show she fully takes responsibility for her actions? She seems pretty crushed to me. If she did not have sex with him, how does she prove it?  Very difficult to prove a negative!

 

Your wife has resigned and I think this is the right thing to do. However, I do not think you should underestimate the impact of her leaving her job will have and she may well mourn that loss. The risk is that you may see any mourning on her part as being for the other man. It is a big step for a woman to go back out into the world and start a new job and many partners do not understand that. She will probably feel she has failed and is in a far worse position than when she changed from being a SAHM.
 

It is not just about money, it is about status and self worth. How you support her in that could have a significant impact on any future relationship because, if you do stay together, she is going to want to work again, Whilst you will always have fears and doubts, any new job gives her the opportunity to show she can do things properly and succeed. It also gives you the opportunity to support her more as per my other post. A big step, I know but the greater risk is her feeling unfulfilled, having aspirations crushed and becoming resentful so that any future relationship becomes increasingly toxic.

 

Do you think last night was when your marriage hit rock bottom, or got close to it? If so, might this be the point at which you move forwards and upwards? I am glad you haven’t filed yet, please don’t rush into that. Sometimes I read posts and think why on earth are you staying but not in this case. Staying married here is not a sign of weakness or being a doormat. Staying married here if that is what you want, is a sign of strength and of you being he better man. Never mind the comments of those who want to see your marriage fail. Their advice may come from  a good place but it is your life.

 

One day I may do a short post.

I've not read all the posts, so there's always a chance that I'll be proven wrong, but at this moment, I think this is good advice. 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Narie said:

HE Trusted her and she destroyed it. So now that she got caught then everything must be about her? "POOR HER" WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER? SHE WILL BE SAD, WHAT TO DO? HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE HER EASILY THIS TIME? WHY ARE YOH TRYING TO MAKE HER WORK TO GAIN YOUR TRUST?

Again, if she hadn't cheated then there will be nothing to fix. 

True. But, realistically, if someone eventually gets to the point where they want to rebuild a marriage after being cheated on, they will have to ask themselves those kinds of questions (not the sarcastic ones in your post, rather, the ones @Pottering About is referring to). I don't think OP is there yet. I don't even know if he will ever get there. But on the off chance that he does, that would be good advice to keep in mind.

Edited November 13, 2020 by Acacia98

[elaine567]

If indeed he decides to stay he has to then live with the woman, so whilst all these punishing  or scorched earth regimes may be perceived as justice or getting what she deserves, they are not particularly helpful in trying to rebuild a marriage.  Not a marriage anyone would want to be in long term anyway.
Yes there may be shame, yes there may be remorse but people, especially women, tend to not  to forget and if pushed too far, resentment builds, even contempt, and piled on top of why she sought out the attention of another in the first place, then that may be an explosive mix.

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

We both want what's best for our girls.

Just in case you are on the fence about whether divorce is good for your kids. I stayed with my husband for 18 years after he cheated on me with my best friend. I was the main breadwinner and did not need to stay for financial security. I stayed "for the kids." That was my biggest mistake. I never trusted him again. We certainly did not show our daughters an example of a healthy relationship. Since my 5-yr-old caught him cheating, she and my 11-year-old were well aware of the cheating incident. Those two are now 31 and 37. Neither have been married, nor have they been in a healthy relationship that had any hope of succeeding. So, by staying together for another 18 years after he cheated (I was pregnant with my youngest when my 5-yr-old brought the cheating to my attention), all we did was teach our daughters how to navigate a dysfunctional relationship. I blame myself for the fact that they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. By the way, my daughter caught them kissing "like in the movies." He swore up and down that's ALL that ever happened. I was trickle-truthed for well over five years after that. Eventually, I learned they had slept together. Liars will lie, cheaters will cheat and a leopard does not change its spots. That was not the first time, nor the last time that he cheated on me, but it was the last time I let him get away with it.