I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[schlumpy]

I think you are handling it as well as I have seen it handled.

Whatever you do do not rug sweep. She has to face consequences that bring out true remorse or you will be dancing to the same tune sometime in the future.

Good luck and good night.

[TobyBoy]

No 27 year old male “player” with a girlfriend is going to pursue a married mother for many months if he wasn’t getting “any” !  Sorry, your wife is lying and they’ve been having sex since early on. 

[Narie]

BTW. I THINK YOUR WIFE LIED TO YOU AGAIN. 

When you asked her when was the last time they talked or had a contact, she said the last time they had a contact with each other is from the message you saw.

 

If she didn't reply that one time, does that mean he didn't bother texting her "again"? Wondering what's up with her and why she no longer respond?

They text so much before but now suddenly he's fine with her not replying back? No question as to why?

 

I think she already contacted him before you two had a talk - IF NOT, then it means she talked to her after yoh left the house.

I bet she told him, so he already knew what happened between you and your wife. He knew she will text her about the NC. Maybe she even told him first about the "truths" that she was going to tell you, so if ever you asked about it then the reply will match with hers.

[usa1ah]

7 hours ago, Watercolors said:

The sister lied to Mr. Flibble about not knowing. Sisters know everything about each other. 

Not always. I know this isn’t the case with mine. 

[Harry Korsnes]

Well done 

I think she knows she did something she can't undo and is ashamed and does'nt know how to handle that. The why will come later. A

[usa1ah]

I believe your wife’s story. 
 

She is so wrong for doing what she did. She should have come clean at first. It does explain her actions after you saw the texts. 
 

Is your wife submissive? Not in a perverted way but in general. This could explain why she caved to his advances. Something she will need to work on in individual counseling. 
 

I really believe your wife is remorseful for her actions. She has never told you in anyway that it is your fault or shift blame like so many do. She is actually reading somewhere what she has to do, this is text book on her part. She is giving you what you need without you having to ask for it. A complete 180 for the first few days. 
 

Unlike most your wife is actually doing the heavy lifting to fix her bad choice. 
 

Do what you need to for you and your kids. Most people say to give it 3 to 6 months before you make a decision. You need to heal and you wife needs IC to fix herself. A decision can wait until you are clear headed. 
 

I do agree with you, if it went full on sex I would leave my wife also. I hope for the two of you they didn’t. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I respect that you put the possibility of divorce on the table. She disrespected you in a major way and needs to understand there are serious consequences for that level of betrayal. 

The hard part is you may never know if she gave you the whole truth or an edited version. 

I think you're handling a very difficult situation pretty well. 

[WilyWill]

Just to warn you, Mr. Flibble, infidelity forums are full of "we only kissed" stories that end up as "she finally admitted she had sex with him." Cheaters tend to minimize everything pertaining to an affair: how far it went, how long it lasted, what words were exchanged, etc. I hope this is not the case in your situation. Your wife seems to understand that if she crossed this line, she'd be destroying her family with no chance of repair. 

You should consider subjecting her to a polygraph exam about the sexual contact. While polygraphs are not 100% reliable, they have a mysterious way of delivering the truth. For example, she may refuse to take one, which I'd consider an admission of guilt. She might confess everything before the exam even starts. Or she might pass with flying colors, which will do wonders to put your mind at ease.

Another thing you might try is bluffing her sister. "I'm heartbroken. Wife told me about the sexual contact she had with her lover. Do you think the fact that she gave herself sexually to another man means it's over between us?" Sister's denial, or lack thereof, will be very telling. 

[Mrin]

I'd go polygraph if only for your peace of mind OP. Wily is right

Edited November 11, 2020 by Mrin

[S2B]

Polygraph is in order. Notify his girlfriend. And your wife needs a different job ASAP - that’s non-negotiable. 
also her working with a skilled counselor should be a top priority. She needs to find out why she betrayed you and how to never be that jerk again.

don’t give in too soon - you need time to verify her sob story. I have doubts it’s accurate. I also doubt if she will be faithful long term for your future.

Edited November 11, 2020 by S2B

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, It means a lot to me. I slept surprisingly well tonight, but now the crushing thoughts are back. I will take kids for a walk this afternoon, I miss them a lot.

Wife and I just spoke on a phone and are meeting this evening again. Her and kids are staying over at her parents.

She sounded completely broken over the phone. Asked me how I'm doing. Still jumping from sadness to anger to desperation to disbelief and back. But that's expected I guess given the circumstances.

I told her girls should not be punished for her horrible and selfish choices so her parents are bringing them home after our talk. They need as much stability as we can provide right now.

We also decided she should stay at her parents for a few weeks and should come visit them home every day to spend some time with them while I do some work. We are finishing huge project right now so the timing could not be worse.  
 

I also need to call my MIL. From what my W told me she's being borderline abusive to her. I know she royaly f.ked up but there is no need to kick her when She's down. Maybe we should find some other living arangements for her. Another reason I am glad girls are coming back home.

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

8 hours ago, TobyBoy said:

No 27 year old male “player” with a girlfriend is going to pursue a married mother for many months if he wasn’t getting “any” !  Sorry, your wife is lying and they’ve been having sex since early on. 

Yeah, my thoughts exactly. I still think that SH (i will call her "coworker" that from now) tried to use this very subtle manipulation just to get to her pants. I don't think there was ever any sort of romantic intention. Still not sure about the sex, tho.

 

8 hours ago, Narie said:

BTW. I THINK YOUR WIFE LIED TO YOU AGAIN. 

When you asked her when was the last time they talked or had a contact, she said the last time they had a contact with each other is from the message you saw.

 

If she didn't reply that one time, does that mean he didn't bother texting her "again"? Wondering what's up with her and why she no longer respond?

They text so much before but now suddenly he's fine with her not replying back? No question as to why?

 

I think she already contacted him before you two had a talk - IF NOT, then it means she talked to her after yoh left the house.

I bet she told him, so he already knew what happened between you and your wife. He knew she will text her about the NC. Maybe she even told him first about the "truths" that she was going to tell you, so if ever you asked about it then the reply will match with hers.

They had no contact since that message. She told me this was his thing. When she tried to break it off and stopped texting him he would send a text like this and then ignored her messages for a few days. Let her work for it. The guy's serious manipulator apprently. 
 

6 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I believe your wife’s story. 
 

She is so wrong for doing what she did. She should have come clean at first. It does explain her actions after you saw the texts. 
 

Is your wife submissive? Not in a perverted way but in general. This could explain why she caved to his advances. Something she will need to work on in individual counseling. 
 

I really believe your wife is remorseful for her actions. She has never told you in anyway that it is your fault or shift blame like so many do. She is actually reading somewhere what she has to do, this is text book on her part. She is giving you what you need without you having to ask for it. A complete 180 for the first few days. 
 

Unlike most your wife is actually doing the heavy lifting to fix her bad choice. 
 

Do what you need to for you and your kids. Most people say to give it 3 to 6 months before you make a decision. You need to heal and you wife needs IC to fix herself. A decision can wait until you are clear headed. 
 

I do agree with you, if it went full on sex I would leave my wife also. I hope for the two of you they didn’t. 

The more I think about it the more I tend to believe her story. I can read my wife pretty well (that's why I was able to see through this so soon) and I don't think she's lying.

I would not call my wife submissive. Yes, a make most of decisions in our family but we consult everything beforehand and she has no problem standing her ground when she feels like it. She's not a pushover

And her sister knew about the guy, when they went for a lunch just the two of them she told my wife she should be careful. Didn't know about the affair until Sunday, W told her everything just yesterday after our talk

[TobyBoy]

32 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

They had no contact since that message. She told me this was his thing. When she tried to break it off and stopped texting him he would send a text like this and then ignored her messages for a few days. Let her work for it. The guy's serious manipulator apprently.

Let her work for it?? How so?

 

[elaine567]

52 minutes ago, TobyBoy said:

Let her work for it?? How so?

The push/pull manipulation technique.https://magnetofsuccess.com/push-pull-technique/
Very common in affairs and leads eventually to the puppet master being in complete control of the puppet.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

The guy's serious manipulator apprently. 

She's not a pushover

These two points don't really add up together. 

If she isn't a pushover (and by the sounds of it, she's not), this guy wouldn't be able to manipulate her. He's not manipulating her. She's smarter than that.  It's continued because she allows it and enjoys these interactions. 

What you two need to figure out from here is when and why her she started to emotionally detach from you and the marriage. This guy is easy enough to get rid off. The bigger problems between you and her will still be there. She needs to start getting really honest with you and with herself about why she chose to behave this way. 

 

[elaine567]

Problem is manipulation works on all types.
You don't need to be a gullible fool to find yourself manipulated by another...

Also she may be not so strong out of her element at work.
Being an SAHM tends to sap confidence and lower self esteem.
Out in the workforce, she may indeed be very vulnerable.
Add in her no doubt discontent with her marriage, then that opens up another weak point.
Flattery and understanding and connection can work wonders...

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

3 hours ago, TobyBoy said:

Let her work for it?? How so?

 

She probably wanted the attention he gave her. It's weird power move I still don't understand. 
 

@ExpatInItaly Yes, they do add up. As @elaine567 explained, one does not need to be gullible or weak to have someone manipulate you. But I agree, the issues are probably a lot deeper than I thought. If we decide to stay together there is definately to be MC.

And yes @elaine567, I now know her being SAHM and getting back into work while being disconnected from her profession probably played huge role in what happened

 I am taking kids to a park now. Will report later after our talk

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

If we decide to stay together there is definately to be MC.

MC  main purpose is to keep you together, so some find that as the BS, they can feel they are not really listened to, as the goal is to get past the infidelity and save the marriage. 
In order to do that the BS has to learn to accept it.
The BS can therefore feel a bit put out that they have to do the work or even have to accept some of the blame, whilst the WS may appear to get off more lightly or that the WS has somehow "won".
Individual counselling is therefore recommended so that the BS can get it all off their chest, without doing irreparable damage to the marriage... 

[usa1ah]

I would not do marriage counseling until your wife does IC. 
 

Make sure the marriage counselor doesn’t try and push the blame onto you. 

[notbroken]

This is going to haunt you until you know the truth.  All of it.  I don't think you have it - at least not enough to stop wondering for the rest of your life.  You won't have peace till you find it.  I don't normally believe in polygraphs.  You may have no choice.   Tell her that you will give her a 'one time pass' now for saying the truth, you have to have a polygraph under the circumstances, and you are scheduling one for 1 week out (give the exact date and a time).   Her reaction will tell you a lot.  

I stayed together for the kids in similar circumstances.   I could never be quite sure she wasn't lying (she was).   14 years later she cheated again.  I never trusted her during that whole time.   BTDT.   I can tell you from my perspective it just isn't worth staying with a cheater/liar and it doesn't truly help your kids.  I've been burned -  so take it for what it is worth.  I'd bail.  I would most definitely bail if you can't get the whole truth to your satisfaction. 

[Dreamer2017]

Please don't get in between your wife and MIL!!! Let them work it out

[Crazelnut]

Yep, let her work out her own relationship with her mother. You aren't her savior, and she's an adult. Also, you need to keep the SIL out of your marriage. She is WAY too involved.

[merrmeade]

12 hours ago, WilyWill said:

Just to warn you, Mr. Flibble, infidelity forums are full of "we only kissed" stories that end up as "she finally admitted she had sex with him." Cheaters tend to minimize everything pertaining to an affair: how far it went, how long it lasted, what words were exchanged, etc. 

And just to reinforce this point, I’ve been active on LS off and on for about 8 years. I’ve seen dozens of first-time posters, including myself, telling this story. BS is uncomfortable with partner’s interactions with another M/W, gets evidence of impropriety and confronts. Partner seems intensely remorseful but claims they only did so much but never had sex. NONE of those claims turned out to be true. Zero. 0. Ninguno. Nada.

You’ll realize it’s unarguable because sexually experienced adults just don't go back to their pre-sex days of “just” making out, feeling up,  etc. Our bodies and minds haven’t had a red light in so long, they simply don’t stop. We don’t mess around like teenagers.
 

Ill say it again: I’ve never seen even one story where this was true. 

[merrmeade]

7 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:The more I think about it the more I tend to believe her story. I can read my wife pretty well (that's why I was able to see through this so soon) and I don't think she's lying.

You think you know your spouse but you are about to learn there’s more to her. First, you are both in a very new situation. Second, she’s already lied and you didn’t catch it. Third, you may be looking more closely now but she’s still way ahead of you. Consider that she’s now been practicing deception and subterfuge for a while. 
 

Then there’s the apparent remorse. You’re sure she is genuinely, deeply upset and sorry - but for what? All that angst and worry that she’s going to be exposed to family, friends, mutual friends, the world whips up some genuine emotion that looks like regret but it’s a LOT about being caught.  So mix the genuine and the desperate together, and you can still end up with a performance. 

Just saying don’t think you’ll know the story today or tomorrow. It will be unfolding for years. For now, put the burden of proof - real proof - on her: a polygraph. 

[S2B]

You seem quick to believe her words - you need a polygraph to know what is real.

has she quit the job yet?