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I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker


MrFlibble_is_very_cross

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MrFlibble_is_very_cross

I am sorry for a long post but i feel it is important to have a background. 

Me (32), my wife is 33. Married for 10 years, together for almost 13. Two kids (5 and 3). I am an IT guy, she works in finance.

We have (or at least I think we have) a good marriage. Great and open communication, lots of physical contact like hugs, kissing, things like that. Sex was still great even after all those years. We fight like all couples do but nothing major/life altering. I'm sure we deeply love each other. I really am. That's the reason why I am so lost now in this mess. So onto current situation:

 

Things were going really great up until this late spring/summer.  After a few years being SAHM (on which we BOTH agreed btw, we live in Europe so there is pretty strong state support, thank god) my wife started new job at a bank. I thought it was great at first, afterall she absolutely needed a break from kids and to do some adult stuff. But there is one "issue" with the job that really bothers me. And it's gotten worse in last few months. 

 

The issue is one of the guys on her team (27). Call it gut feeling or whatever, but since my first interaction with him when i visited my wife at work I immediately picked up this weird vibe/tension when we all three are around each other. My wife of course dismisses it and vehemently denies there is anything going on, but I learned to trust my gut. So here are some pointers on where we are now and what i know:

 

my wife started working there 2 months before he was transfered into her team and at first was very skeptic about staying on the job. Few weeks after HE started my wife made complete 180 and told me she deicided to stay

My wife completelly changed her wardrobe, started wearing more flattering clothes (possible that's just because she got out of her SAHM shell?)

Few months back my wife started going out for drinks with her new collegues (then Covid restrictions came back and put a stop to this)

Since she started WFH she became depressed, mopey and often takes it out on me and sometimes even on our kids (they can be handful)

I KNOW (or at least i think i know) that they haven't seen each other since early September (WFH)

She doesn't go out that much now (Covid) and when she does we are all there

She is a lot more secretive with her phone. I still know the password though. Checked her phone two weeks back when she was sleeping (not my proudest moment). Will ask her directly to see her phone next time

I KNOW she texts the guy. I saw the texts, nothing inappropriate but definitely NOT work related. Pretty decent amount of texts, dozens almost each day. Weird times too.

When I told her I don't like the guy or her texting him she got upset and told me I have nothing to worry about, he's just a friend from work

I know that during late summer they went few times on a lunch together, only two of them (she told me only after I directly asked)

They apparently know a lot personal details about each other (He's having problems with his LT GF, she gave him advice on that)

As far as i know they never discuss me or the kids. All that personal stuff from her side is about her or her family). This is another thing that I find off

We are now less touchy, sex dropped to once a week max. I also feel like she's not much into it now. But could be nothing, we experienced this before

She told me yesterday that she can't wait for getting back to work at the office.

 


So what should I do? Confrontation got me nowhere. Lay low for a while and see how will this play out? Or should I take some action now? It's obvious, right? Or am I seeing things?

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I agree. I would be suspicious. Hide a voice activated recorder in in her car or somewhere in the house where you think she goes to make phone calls. Find out what you are up against. If you can afford it, the best route is a PI. Check your phone bills for unknown numbers and frequency of calls.

Don't confront without overwhelming evidence. Cheaters will just lie about it. Some men need no more then a gut feeling and they are out he door but others need video and audio before they will accept the situation. I don't know where you fall in that range.

She should be willing to ditch the friendship if it makes you uncomfortable. That a bad sign that she won't. Marriage counseling will not help if she is still seeing the OM.

Would it be possible for you to have confidential conversation with his GF?

The best way to blow up an affair is to expose it. 

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MrFlibble_is_very_cross

Thank you for your input guys, really appreciate it. I haven't noticed her disappearing to make a phone calls, I don't think they are calling each other that much. Maybe they are over skype during work but I haven't catch her yet. But she is quite offten texting someone, her girl friends (that's what she told me). This morning we had another fight ober something very petty (not connected with this), we never fought about these type of things. Few minutes back she came back, gave me a hug and said she is sorry she was so nasty over it. Well, at least there is that I guess. I again asked her what is going on with her. Nothing, just stressed out over WFH and job overload. But I think she's lying. 
 

If there was anythimg going on (or started to going on) I hope this Covid situation put a stop to it. But I still think it needs to be adressed, not rug-swept  

 

Regarding VAR, I need to order one online since all electronic shops are closed at the moment. Hope she won't notice since we are both home most of the time. Don't know how I would explain that. And I don't know where to put it anyway, when she was still going to office she used public transport since we live in a city and we have only one car (have no need for another). I am now more focused on those texts, but she uses her company cell so there is no way for me to get to those statements. I will try to get hands on her phone tonight again. Will take it from there. 
 

I now realise I sound very analytical, and I am. But trust me, I am freaking out internaly. Don't know what will do if I found something that can't be interpreted any other way that that she is indeed cheating on me. 

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IslandSanctuary

 Her relationship with this coworker is inappropriate. If it isn't physical yet she is treading on thin ice. 
She has very poor boundaries and is ignorant of what respect in a relationship entails. 

She should not be discussing his relationship with him. 

Going to lunch just the two of them is a date. Sure you can call a date something else, but it is still the same activity. My partner would never do this and I'd never do it to her, especially not on a regular basis. 

Dozens of texts almost every day is inappropriate. Would you do this with a woman at your work? 

Some people are big on the whole opposite sex friendships thing - if you are against it they can call you controlling or childish. In my experience these people usually fall into one of three categories: Immature/ignorant, manipulative/controlling or naive. Women that need/enjoy attention from multiple men are not relationship material. 

I would not put up with this from my partner. I wouldn't try to hide what I knew or feel, like a lot of the advice you'll get from the sneaks on here trying to maximize their position for divorce. I'd just start going out and flirting with women. Bars, dance clubs, the casino, and I wouldn't call. I'd start checking out. No way would I tolerate this. 

Edited by IslandSanctuary
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Are there any common friends that you can count on as an ally? Do you know anyone at her workplace that you could use for intel?

It's very important that if she is cheating, that you have a plan to deal with it. It will be much better for you if you decide upfront how to handle things so plan accordingly.

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MrFlibble_is_very_cross
2 hours ago, IslandSanctuary said:

 Her relationship with this coworker is inappropriate. If it isn't physical yet she is treading on thin ice. 
She has very poor boundaries and is ignorant of what respect in a relationship entails. 

She should not be discussing his relationship with him. 

Going to lunch just the two of them is a date. Sure you can call a date something else, but it is still the same activity. My partner would never do this and I'd never do it to her, especially not on a regular basis. 

Dozens of texts almost every day is inappropriate. Would you do this with a woman at your work? 

Some people are big on the whole opposite sex friendships thing - if you are against it they can call you controlling or childish. In my experience these people usually fall into one of three categories: Immature/ignorant, manipulative/controlling or naive. Women that need/enjoy attention from multiple men are not relationship material. 

I would not put up with this from my partner. I wouldn't try to hide what I knew or feel, like a lot of the advice you'll get from the sneaks on here trying to maximize their position for divorce. I'd just start going out and flirting with women. Bars, dance clubs, the casino, and I wouldn't call. I'd start checking out. No way would I tolerate this. 

Thank you, and I absolutelly agree with you on everything. It IS inappropriate and it IS puting absolutely unnecessary pressure on our marriage. And I told her so, many times. She just told me I am starting to be controlling and she doesn't like it. Yeah, right.

But still, I don't see my wife as manipulative/controlling, I think she is just very naive and doesn't see what is very obvious. I think she is being played and doesn't realize it yet.

I don't feel like trying to make her jealous is the right way, but I know it would be easy. My wife's sister called me "solid 9" last year, so i got that going for me which is nice

i guess right now I'm going to do my research and when I have a proof of something that crosses this platonic way of friendship I am going to confront her with hard evidence

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MrFlibble_is_very_cross
1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Are there any common friends that you can count on as an ally? Do you know anyone at her workplace that you could use for intel?

It's very important that if she is cheating, that you have a plan to deal with it. It will be much better for you if you decide upfront how to handle things so plan accordingly.

Yes, have mutual friends. But since this virus sh.t hit the fan we basically went low contact with everyone. We are each other best friends which in this situation obviously sucks. And I don't really know any of her coworkers, we met few times and are not in contact.

And well.. shen knows very well where I stand on infidelity. She told me years before she sees it the same way. I will divorce her and go scorched earth on everyone involved. I am very calm and collected guy, but If I feel like I had been wronged (and infidelity IS huge betreyal) the s*** starts to fly. I think she would be very stupid to go that way. And she is not stupid. 

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You are overreacting and seem too possessive, insecure and controlling.

The moment she goes back to work and has male co-workers, you start breaking into her phone violating all sorts of trust?

The problem is she is bored/ unhappy will being a housewife/sahm but that's where You want her.

It seems like this co-worker is a friend and she may enjoy some innocuous grown-up chichat.

The problem is your marriage being unfulfilling and in a frustrating rut.

You need to consider marriage therapy to get the cards on the table for open communication. That's lot better than patrolling her phone and ignoring the real issues.

Edited by Wiseman2
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You might want to consider that she is giving tacit approval for you to have female friends that you chat with and that information does not have to be shared with her. What will happen if the shoe is on the other foot?

One rule I follow in life is to feed back to a person exactly what they are feeding me. Taking the high road does not work with emotional situations.

It's your call.

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The problem that some women face at work is that making friends with women coworkers leads to "women chat", kids, beauty products, cooking, celebrities,  more kids, interior design clothes, gossip and even more kid talk.
For a woman sick to the back teeth of being a SAHM, she will want to speak to people who do not bring up kids, hairdressers and pasta, every second sentence, so she will find she can have better and more decent conversations with male coworkers. Here she has found one in particular to be of interest.
Going out to lunch is just par for the course in some work-p[aces.

You hungry?
Yes. 
Let's go for something to eat 
There is a nice Italian restaurant round the corner...
Great.

It is NO big deal. 

Back WFH, she is  back to kids and boredom and frozen pizza..
.
All this may signify an affair, but I guess it doesn't.
Not every women is desperate to have sex with  her coworkers. Women are pretty good at platonic relationships
She is just bored , no doubt a bit depressed  and in a rut.

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MrFlibble_is_very_cross

Thank you all for your input. I do understand that I come off as controlling a**h***. I never was before, it all started when this guy came into picture. My wife has many male friends, she even goes with one of them to exhibitions about a hobby they share (overnight) and I never had any issue with that. I trust her on that because she never gave me any reason to doubt. This is different, she is hiding something and I do not see how that is a healthy attitude.

 

And I never forced her to be a SAHM. This was our mutual decision and when she told me she would like to work again (since kids were old enough to go to daycare) we made sure she could do that.

 

The problem I have with this one guy is the way He looks at my wife. I trust my wife, but I don't trust him. What I asked my wife to do was to realise that his intentions with her are not as pure as she thinks and be careful to not cross any boundaries we mutualy agreed upon. Which she completely disregarded and waltzen all over them. 
 

@elaine567 thank you for your post. I think you just hit the nail on the head. I think that my wife REALLY needed to get out. To have those adult conversations. To go out and have fun. To get out of that daily routine. I have no problem with that. I encouraged it. 
 

But texting your married coworker at 1am that you just had a fight with your GF and wanting emotional support is NOT OK. It's disaster waiting to happen. And my wife still doesn't see it. Or chooses to ignore it. Which is even worse.

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1 hour ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

But texting your married coworker at 1am that you just had a fight with your GF and wanting emotional support is NOT OK. It's disaster waiting to happen. And my wife still doesn't see it. Or chooses to ignore it. Which is even worse.

She's not stupid. 

She knows what's up and knows it's not above-board. I think she likes the attention and is flattered by her growing "confidante" role in his life. It's possible that she isn't really interested in him but still likes knowing that he's thinking about her. 

Keep an eye on it. 

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At best, she’s having an emotional affair. Worst case is a full blown physical affair. Whatever you do, DO NOT Confront her yet or ask her anymore about it. If she is indeed having an affair, you need to get all your ducks lined up in a row first. ALL cheaters are liars. And if you don’t have absolute proof, they will lie and only tell you what you exactly know. 
 

You can install a keylogger in her phone or purchase a VAR for now.  Keep digging and uncover more. 
 

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I wish you the best. 

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MrFlibble_is_very_cross

@ExpatInItaly I hope you are right and it is just a case of overstepped boundaries and there is actually nothing going on. I do not think my wife is capable of having an physical affair with somebody

 

@LynneVicious I do not think it went physical. Or I hope so. Still have no proof. But I deicided that if I need to use VAR and keylogger to make sure my wife is not cheating on me then I do not want to be in that marriage. 
 

I trully love my wife and our life we share together. So I told her we need to sit down tonight and have a honest conversation about this. She agrees and is actually back to her true self, at least for now. Will update later, wish me luck

Edited by MrFlibble_is_very_cross
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Ruby Slippers

Generally, a man in his 20s with a crush has all the time in the world to give her all kinds of romantic attention. It sounds to me as if she's eating up all his attention because she misses it from you.

I know it's not easy with young children. And it's wrong of her as a wife and mother to indulge this flirtation. But when's the last time you got a babysitter and took her out on a date where she has the opportunity to get a little dressed up and feel sexy? This can do wonders for a woman's state of mind romantically.

I know it's not easy during a pandemic, but there are still things you can do to romance her.

 

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1 hour ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

I deicided that if I need to use VAR and keylogger to make sure my wife is not cheating on me then I do not want to be in that marriage. 
 

I trully love my wife and our life we share together. So I told her we need to sit down tonight and have a honest conversation about this. She agrees and is actually back to her true self, at least for now. Will update later, wish me luck

Best approach. You're right once the espionage takes over it's not a marriage, just two people betraying each other.

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Harry Korsnes
46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Best approach. You're right once the espionage takes over it's not a marriage, just two people betraying each other.

Then what is is he supose to? Just wait and and listen to her lies? If he does'nt do anything then its over. Ofcource he  can take her out on dates but he still needs the truth.

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There is no evidence here that she's lied to you about anything, or that any kind of affair has taken place. It's no wonder she gravitates towards work when it makes her feel accomplished and fulfilled. Not everyone is meant to be a stay-at-home parent. 

As others have said, this seems to be about two coworkers who bonded quickly and who are enjoying their relationship because the rest of the world (home, family, etc) is a drag. These things can turn into affairs if both parties are inclined towards it, but they can just as easily be a wake-up call to get one's life back on track. Good on you for recognizing that this isn't a situation that requires surveillance (as you've noted, once it hits that point it's rarely worth saving). Open communication and being honest about your emotions is key. You need to find new ways to strengthen your relationship for the next ten years and beyond. 

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MrFlibble_is_very_cross

Well, crap..

 

Tonight after we put kids to bed I sat down my wife and told her that even though I might not look like it, this situation is eating me alive. She was obviously annoyed that I am not over this obsession and got angry at me again. I right away asked to see her phone and explained again why is this whole situation making me question status of their relationship. She told me this is invasion of her privacy but in the end gave up.

 

Well guess what. All messages between the two GONE. DELETED. There wasn't a single one. Even those innocent and work related. I was speechless. I asked her why she did that and what she thinks this stupid move is going to accomplish. Her reasoning is that I basicaly made her delete it all and that she stopped all communications with him other than work related. I knew she was lying.

 

At that moment I was not even angry, just very disappointed in her and even more hurt. We were going in circles for over an hour. I remembered your advice to not confront without evidence and keep digging and said to myself "there you go you moron, should've listended"

 

All this time I had her phone right in front of me on a table, going through it time and time again. And guess who deicided to text my wife at 10:13pm. His text was short, but still enough. It went "cant stop thinking about you. Hope you are ok". I just looked down where her phone lit, read the message and looked up at my wife. Wish I could snap a picture of her face. She knew it was him. I just stood up, went upstairs into our walk-in closet, pull out my bag and started packing stuff. She was right behind spitting BS like I took that wrong, it's not like I think it is and so on. I have never seen her so desperate in my life. Truly heartbreaking.

 

Didn't say a word to her, just took my bag and went for a door. She blocked them with her body and kept asking me where I am going. I was done with this at that point so I just told her to not contact me until she pulls her head out of her arse and starts thinking straight and I turned around and went through back door and jumped on a first bus that i saw. So now I am sitting on a bench in a part of city I have never been to in 6 degrees freezing my ass and waiting for my friend/collegue who is so amazing that he is picking me in his car and letting me stay the night. If you are cheating you suck and I hope you burn in hell

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Harry Korsnes
14 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

There is no evidence here that she's lied to you about anything, or that any kind of affair has taken place. It's no wonder she gravitates towards work when it makes her feel accomplished and fulfilled. Not everyone is meant to be a stay-at-home parent. 

As others have said, this seems to be about two coworkers who bonded quickly and who are enjoying their relationship because the rest of the world (home, family, etc) is a drag. These things can turn into affairs if both parties are inclined towards it, but they can just as easily be a wake-up call to get one's life back on track. Good on you for recognizing that this isn't a situation that requires surveillance (as you've noted, once it hits that point it's rarely worth saving). Open communication and being honest about your emotions is key. You need to find new ways to strengthen your relationship for the next ten years and beyond. 

Just friends is lie enough. Just to ask how would you react to that?

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10 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

And guess who deicided to text my wife at 10:13pm. His text was short, but still enough. It went "cant stop thinking about you. Hope you are ok". I just looked down where her phone lit, read the message and looked up at my wife. Wish I could snap a picture of her face. She knew it was him. I just stood up, went upstairs into our walk-in closet, pull out my bag and started packing stuff. She was right behind spitting BS like I took that wrong, it's not like I think it is and so on. I have never seen her so desperate in my life. Truly heartbreaking.

 

Didn't say a word to her, just took my bag and went for a door. She blocked them with her body and kept asking me where I am going. I was done with this at that point so I just told her to not contact me until she pulls her head out of her arse and starts thinking straight and I turned around and went through back door and jumped on a first bus that i saw. So now I am sitting on a bench in a part of city I have never been to in 6 degrees freezing my ass and waiting for my friend/collegue who is so amazing that he is picking me in his car and letting me stay the night. If you are cheating you suck and I hope you burn in hell

Whoa. Sorry that your suspicion of your wife's coworker affair was confirmed to you finally. How do you feel?

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The reason you don't confront without good solid evidence is that the cheaters will go underground making it more difficult for you to gather said evidence.

I'm sad that this happened to you but you made the right move for yourself. All future decisions are to be in the interest of yourself and your kids.

Your wife no longer has your interests at heart.

Stay that course until she proves to you it's not true.

Get on the phone with the APs GF and let her know.

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Harry Korsnes
10 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

The reason you don't confront without good solid evidence is that the cheaters will go underground making it more difficult for you to gather said evidence.

I'm sad that this happened to you but you made the right move for yourself. All future decisions are to be in the interest of yourself and your kids.

Your wife no longer has your interests at heart.

Stay that course until she proves to you it's not true.

Get on the phone with the APs GF and let her know.

Yay

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30 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

The reason you don't confront without good solid evidence is that the cheaters will go underground making it more difficult for you to gather said evidence.

I'm sad that this happened to you but you made the right move for yourself. All future decisions are to be in the interest of yourself and your kids.

Your wife no longer has your interests at heart.

Stay that course until she proves to you it's not true.

Get on the phone with the APs GF and let her know.

Did you not read his post? He left his house after he saw a text from his wife's coworker.

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