I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[MickeyBill]

To me the way she is reacting is telling, but I am not sure what it is telling! She is panicking because either her affair with the co worker has been discovered or things all look like an affair that she is not having.  The thing is she knows the whole story, what she has or has not done. How long things with her "friend" have been going on. Her reaction of hundreds of texts and calls to you, asking if you are going to leave her and it sounds like she wants to "explain" something but you are not ready. If the co worker and her relationship was innocent and easy to explain would she need her sister and mother to support her, or could you an her hash it out.

The key is what she wants to tell you. Without much info you are in the dark and at her mercy as to what she tell you...are they lovers or friends? Is she the OM shoulder to cr y on or is he trying to get into her pants. Or is she the going after him? Your desire to have sex is natural, and her desire to win your trust back with sex (pussy coma) is also natural so...Hang in there and have her write up a time line, tell her you need to see all their messages and there are way to recover deleted texts (especially with Gmail they save everything) and that deleting them means that she had alot to hide.

 

Edited November 12, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove reference to deleted comment.

[WilyWill]

38 minutes ago, MickeyBill said:

To me the way she is reacting is telling, but I am not sure what it is telling! She is panicking because either her affair with the co worker has been discovered or things all look like an affair that she is not having. 

Yes, but she wouldn't be apologizing profusely if it was just a friendship. She'd be loudly protesting her innocence--I know I would. At least she's honest enough to not put on an act. 

[MickeyBill]

1 minute ago, WilyWill said:

Yes, but she wouldn't be apologizing profusely if it was just a friendship. She'd be loudly protesting her innocence--I know I would. At least she's honest enough to not put on an act. 

And the deletion of the emails to "protect" Mr Flibble does not look good...

[S2B]

Why does she always have someone there? Why is her sister speaking for her?

I think her sister knows she cheated... and is protecting her.

Edited November 10, 2020 by S2B

[Harry Korsnes]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why does she always have someone there? Why is her sister speaking for her?

I think her sister knows she cheated... and is protecting her.

Ditto! But acording to op the sister asked op's w if she was cheating, as if she did'nt know but maybe not?

[Watercolors]

22 minutes ago, WilyWill said:

Yes, but she wouldn't be apologizing profusely if it was just a friendship. She'd be loudly protesting her innocence--I know I would. At least she's honest enough to not put on an act. 

As Shakespeare wrote, "Me thinks thou lady doth protest too much." Just as this quote suggests, it's Shakespeare's comment on the more someone loudly protests their innocence to the public, the more guilty that they actually are. The more you protest your innocence, the more guilty you actually are. Because, if you were actually innocent, you'd just state that outright. 

Mr. Flibble's wife is having an affair with her bank coworker. That's quite clear.

17 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why does she always have someone there? Why is her sister speaking for her?

I think her sister knows she cheated... and is protecting her.

It's just unfolding like Shakespeare's four plays that address betrayal, this situation. Of course her sister was there to act as a barrier between Mr. Flibble and his wife, because she knows her sister cheated on Mr. Flibble. Hell, even Mr. Flibble's MIL knows her daughter cheated on Mr. Flibble and gave her daughter a talking to about it. 

Mr. Flibble you need to have the conversation with your wife this week. Your boss strictly gave you a week off of work to handle this situation. Don't use this week to stew about it. Use this week to be proactive; have your SIL take the kids over to their grandparents for the day, maybe a sleepover so that you and the wife will have 24-48 hours to address this situation in privacy without involving your young children. Then you can decide to proceed with marriage counseling or with divorce, because after an affair those are the two paths to choose from. 

[Watercolors]

17 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Ditto! But acording to op the sister asked op's w if she was cheating, as if she did'nt know but maybe not?

The sister lied to Mr. Flibble about not knowing. Sisters know everything about each other. 

[Harry Korsnes]

36 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

The sister lied to Mr. Flibble about not knowing. Sisters know everything about each other. 

Thats what i thaught.

[Watercolors]

56 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Thats what i thaught.

When siblings are close, they protect each other. The sister was there to protect and deflect her sister from Mr. Flibble, who deserves to know the truth. Mr. Flibble's wife is using her sister and her parents as shields, as she does not want to be held responsible for breaking her marriage vows, betraying Mr. Flibble's trust in her as his wife, and ruining the bond between her and Mr. Flibble, that will will never be the same again, even if they pursue marriage counseling. He'll always distrust his wife. And who could blame him?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry, but that's the truth. His wife cheated on Mr. Flibble rather than be an adult and talk to him about whatever prompted her to cheat. That shows how immature she is; what a poor communicator she is; and how self-motivated she is. Someone who is truly invested in their marriage with their "soul mate" doesn't monkey branch with anyone, b/c they have a wide enough and diverse social network with people, so that they don't put all their eggs in one basket with their spouse. being a formerly restless stay at home mom and wife does not justify her seeking sex with a bank coworker. She has some serious explaining to do. And if she won't be forthright with Mr. Flibble, then he has some serious thinking to do, if she is someone he wants to stay married to.

 

[mark clemson]

A few thoughts, all IMO:

1) For clarity, I'm not convinced OP is (or was) a controlling type husband. We never get the full picture of course, but I'm not seeing a lot of that, and some of his reactions to some posts make me think he's more a low-key type generally. He "let" his wife get a job, he let his wife have friendships, etc. Seems within normal parameters to me, so just not seeing it.

2) I don't think the text should be minimized. It's not just one text, it's one in the context of dozens (possibly hundreds) and her deletion of the lot. Also who "can't stop thinking" about a normal co-worker at 10 pm at night. If it's not EA material (minimally) then it's super-creepy. She probably would have been complaining to her boss, his husband, etc or at least quite distressed over unwanted attention. But that didn't happen. Doesn't mean she slept with the guy or that it's not more from his side than hers, but IMO the text is fire, not just smoke.

3)

11 hours ago, Caauug said:

Once you say lets work on the marriage, she gets back most of the power (her ready to fight for you) she wants it back too. She will fight you for that power, and trickle truth, gaslight and what ever she has to to get it back and keep it. She will pay dirty and underhand tricks, she will try to place the blame on you. 

Your feelings are not her concern, s! 

 She wants her power back, you are her enemy because you took it away by leaving. What is she will to do to get it back?

10 hours ago, schlumpy said:

She is deep into the lying and denial part of the affair. That means she wants to protect it. It would be naïve to believe she can just end her affair. It was put on hold pending the outcome of your negotiations.

 

Okay, but IF those things are true, what would be the point of attempting to reconcile or "fight for the marriage" (from OP's side). Seems like it's over in that case.

[Harry Korsnes]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

When siblings are close, they protect each other. The sister was there to protect and deflect her sister from Mr. Flibble, who deserves to know the truth. Mr. Flibble's wife is using her sister and her parents as shields, as she does not want to be held responsible for breaking her marriage vows, betraying Mr. Flibble's trust in her as his wife, and ruining the bond between her and Mr. Flibble, that will will never be the same again, even if they pursue marriage counseling. He'll always distrust his wife. And who could blame him?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry, but that's the truth. His wife cheated on Mr. Flibble rather than be an adult and talk to him about whatever prompted her to cheat. That shows how immature she is; what a poor communicator she is; and how self-motivated she is. Someone who is truly invested in their marriage with their "soul mate" doesn't monkey branch with anyone, b/c they have a wide enough and diverse social network with people, so that they don't put all their eggs in one basket with their spouse. being a formerly restless stay at home mom and wife does not justify her seeking sex with a bank coworker. She has some serious explaining to do. And if she won't be forthright with Mr. Flibble, then he has some serious thinking to do, if she is someone he wants to stay married to.

 

True but we can just give advice! BUT its up to him and her what they want and  need in theyre marriage. But i think they should put the honesty box on the table and start finding out how they want this to end.

[Watercolors]

Just now, Harry Korsnes said:

True but we can just give advice! BUT its up to him and her what they want and  need in theyre marriage. But i think they should put the honesty box on the table and start finding out how they want this to end.

This is true. Our role is just anonymous strangers online with our opinions and perspectives and personal experience to offer up as support. Yes, I agree. They need to be honest with each other and find out how they want this situation to conclude.

[Harry Korsnes]

10 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

This is true. Our role is just anonymous strangers online with our opinions and perspectives and personal experience to offer up as support. Yes, I agree. They need to be honest with each other and find out how they want this situation to conclude.

All we can do is hope for the the best for both. AND IF THEY WIN WE APLAUD THEM!

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

All we can do is hope for the the best for both. AND IF THEY WIN WE APLAUD THEM!

I agree!

[elaine567]

It is pretty obvious what is going to happen in the short term anyway.
She doesn't want to leave her home and uproot the kids, he doesn't want to get  a divorce, so a reconciliation is on the cards. 
How successful that will be depends on how they handle it.
 

[Harry Korsnes]

38 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It is pretty obvious what is going to happen in the short term anyway.
She doesn't want to leave her home and uproot the kids, he doesn't want to get  a divorce, so a reconciliation is on the cards. 
How successful that will be depends on how they handle it.
 

BUT?

This is from sunday, they havnet sorted things!

[Harry Korsnes]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

When siblings are close, they protect each other. The sister was there to protect and deflect her sister from Mr. Flibble, who deserves to know the truth. Mr. Flibble's wife is using her sister and her parents as shields, as she does not want to be held responsible for breaking her marriage vows, betraying Mr. Flibble's trust in her as his wife, and ruining the bond between her and Mr. Flibble, that will will never be the same again, even if they pursue marriage counseling. He'll always distrust his wife. And who could blame him?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry, but that's the truth. His wife cheated on Mr. Flibble rather than be an adult and talk to him about whatever prompted her to cheat. That shows how immature she is; what a poor communicator she is; and how self-motivated she is. Someone who is truly invested in their marriage with their "soul mate" doesn't monkey branch with anyone, b/c they have a wide enough and diverse social network with people, so that they don't put all their eggs in one basket with their spouse. being a formerly restless stay at home mom and wife does not justify her seeking sex with a bank coworker. She has some serious explaining to do. And if she won't be forthright with Mr. Flibble, then he has some serious thinking to do, if she is someone he wants to stay married to.

 

Why dont we let him be the judge of that?

[Harry Korsnes]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

I agree!

Yay

[johnpalment0129]

😃Friends who can give personal advice, write to direct!

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

First of all, thank you for all your posts. I will go through them tonight. Every input is appreciated  

And sorry if this is confusing and loooooong but I am getting it out as cohorent as possible

 

So.. update

 

Wife left with kids after lunch, leaving a long note basicaly saying she is sorry for what she has done, it's all her fault, she is leaving for her parents to give me some space and wants me to know She loves me and She won't let her stupid mistake ruin our family.

Said she will call in the evening to tell me everything and hopes I will pick up.

I am now 100% sure I made the right decision when I left after the initial confrontation. She would probably try to talk herself out of it then. 

I wanted to do some work but I couldn't concentrate on anything. So I spent the time going through stories on this site and I went for walk.

Wife called me around six o'clock and wanted to talk. I told her it needs to be done in person. No idea where this stupid bravery came from.

So we decided to meet at our home and she asked her parents to take kids for a night. I still felt like it was too soon, but in the end I realized I can't live in this limbo anymore

We talked for over 3 hours. She did most of the talking, I just listened and asked some questions when I felt like it.

Before we started I told her I want a full story and this is her only chance to come completely clean. Forget about hiding something to not hurt me. 
Asked her if she's ok with me recording on my phone. She was. I also compiled some sort of timeline at your suggestion. This might help in a future

 

 

So.. real update now.

For those of you who don't want to get too deep into this I give you a short version:

My wife and coworker HAD an affair. 

Or at least what i would call EA starting to morph into full blown PA

She admits They kissed (or made-out) twice, and that's it.

First time happened few days before i met him. That's probably why they were so weird around me. She said it happened in an elevator on their way back from one of their lunch dates. He just came onto her and she just went with it(Her words)

She says she immedietly knew it was wrong and told him it was a mistake and It won't happen again. He just told her "We'll see about that". 

He was right, but still is undermining our marriage 

 

Second time they spend 10 minutes making out in his car after work. This was late August. We started WFH in September. There was no physical contact or even meeting in person after that.

Asked her how can she prove it was just that and it never went all the way. She was taken back by this, never thought about it, but after a moment replied she will find a way.

She is very fixated on a fact that they never had sex. Not that he didn't try to push it apparently.

She says he wanted to, she didn't. Not sure if I believe that. Probably don't. It doesn't seem very probable that two adult people in an affair would not have sex. There were opportunities. 

When I asked her why she didn't want to have sex with him she told me she knew there was no coming back after that.

No idea what's that supposed to mean. Any input on that?

Maybe she does see through me and knows where my lines are more than I do. 

Also called her out on this bad move - introducing me to a guy she made-out with (or maybe had sex with) few days before.

 

After this came breakdown number one. So we went out to catch a breath and came back in a few minutes. 

I asked her multiple times again if she is sure they didn't have sex. Resolut NO every time. Told her should I found out at any point in a future they had sex i won't think twice about leaving.

 

Texting:

They had been texting a lot, starting basically second week he came into picture. Mostly about innocent stuff but she admits now it was sometimes (read often) over the line. It slowly progressed from friendly to more intimate topics. She admits she kept deleting messages or whole conversations that were by her standards "too much".

I did not took this well and we had to have another break.

Apparently coworker was the instigator of most (but not all) inappropriate conversations. I told her It takes two to do this dance and that She is as guilty as he is, maybe even more. He isn't married to me, she is. She gave me the weakest "I know" I have ever heard. 

 

She says they stopped texting few times but always got back to it. They didn't text much these last two weeks. 

I then asked her about the text I saw. She told me he sent texts like this every time they were on a break as a way to suck her back in. And she was too weak and stupid to not take the bait. (Her words).

He often texted her this late since his GF works at a bakery and goes to bed super early. Poor girl, will sure as hell let her know who her other half really is. Apparently She even took a second job to push coworker through college. Some people are just scum. But decided to keep this to myself. Just in case

W is adamant they never spoke about future together, no ILYs or sexting. Again, not sure I believe her. Asked her if she sent him any photos. She would never! Yeah, right!

Also told her about text recovery software. Just to see her reaction because I doubt their security would be happy about me running recovery soft on their company phones.

She doesn't have a problem with that. 

Looked even happy about the possibility. Says if I saw all those texts It would prove she is telling the truth. Dont understand why she deleted them then.

Her reply was she was ashamed and didn't want to admit I was right. Told me she now realises this whole mess could have been avoided if she were honest.

Too late I guess. But it's something. 

 

At the end she told me she has a NC message ready and she wants to run it by be me and send it with me present. 
 

Asked her how she plans to keep NC with somebody she works with. What if He needs to speak to her about work? She told me she doesn't care about Her job anymore.

So we did it. Right after we sent the message she blocked his number.

 

I didn't ask her why she had the afffair, I told her that is a discussion for another time. There will be many more talk I presume. I think I have a pretty good idea why but I want her to find out on her own. Maybe through therapy. We will see on that. 

After she let it all out she asked me what I am going to do next. I flat out told her she had numerous opportunities to come clean and she didn't, so I think we should at least talk about getting amicable divorce. This made her so upset she started hyperventilating which resulted in her barfing all over our dinning table and herself. 

Probably lowest moment of our lives. Cleaning up vomit from your wife's hair while She is bawling her eyes out. Great stuff. 11/10 would recommend

But that's where we are, I guess  

 

Today i felt a little bit in control again. Good feeling. She wanted to hug me before she left and I kind of let her. 

 

Now it's time to get drunk

Edited November 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Narie]

I think there is something. She was a SAHM for a long time so now she experienced new life, everything is exciting.

They may be having an emotional affair or even more than that. If it's an emotional affair then yes, it need to stop before it gets any worse.

 

My take is that, this coworker is showing "signs" of interest on her and she is loving it. It's adding boost to her confidence and ego but yes.. it seems she may fall to something else.

 

Can't you explain it to her that you are not liking it? That you are unhappy with it?

 

If she still respects you and your marriage then she will put a stop to it.  She will take it to consideration that her husband is not liking it and its driving you nuts.  If not, then yes, there is a problem. 

[Narie]

 

Oops I just saw your update after I post...gosh...I feel you..I am in same situation as you. Mine doesn't admit it yet and I still have zero evidence because he's been WFH.

So readin your post made me so angry at your W. I know you feel in control right now but soon the real pain will start again...

And IMHO I will find it hard to believe nothing else happened.  The most painful thing about beig cheated on is the fact that they lied, they made it look like you are the one with problem when asked them about it. They saw how frustrated you are,  how it is hurting you, but instead of putting a stop to it, they went on.

You are right,  it takes two to tango..you asked her, you warned her, you asked her to stop but she still went on with it. She's sorry now that she got caught but if you hadn't,  she will say you are just being controlling.  

 

If it was you who cheated,  I doubt her reaction will be the same.

Edited November 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Buffer]

Hey brother well done for the face to face. 
Also know you know her version of the events. She has told you, but is there any more? As they kissed, please std checks for the both of you regardless. If the was kissing was there fondling or digital insertion? Again this has to be asked sorry. 
She does need to write out a full A time line. Not just what she said. There are more issues here. Her mindset, she knew it was wrong but did it anyway. Deleted the texts so you were none the wiser. Regardless of D or R she will need to get a new job. 
She knew it was crossing the line but did it anyway. Surely it  wasn’t all for ego kibbles? When the dust settles you need to inform the AP’s GF. She has a right to know that her relationship and health has been placed in jeopardy. 
Small steps eat healthy exercise and drink water

one day at a time. 
Buffer

[LynneVicious]

Mr. F

please take some time to digest all of this and don’t feel you have to make a decision right away. Think it through and determine where you are and if it’s something you’re willing to recover from. It will take many years. But only if she puts in the heavy lifting. 
 

sending you peace and good energy. 

[MickeyBill]

That is quite an update and you are "lucky" to get so much info so quickly.

She is sort of taking responsibility but shifting alot to  him, but they are 50-50 partners in the affair

A couple things...I hear some people say they didn't have sex, only blow jobs. I am old school an I consider that to be sex. During the "two" make out sessions how much groping (wandering hands over or under clothes) did she admit to? While she is forthcoming cheaters tend to minimize thinking that you won't believe they made out only once but if the real number is 10 is that the same or worse than your wife making out in his car for "ten minutes".

There are so many stories where the wife admits to ABC and D and the husband accepts that but later finds out they did EFGHIJK too. Tell her she has a one time chance to come clean with everything. write it down as much as she can remember. Right now you may consider working on things even of they screwed if she admits it, if you learn sometime in the future then the M is done.

Insist she and you take STD tests for 2 reasons, cheaters rarely use protection and it will let her know how much she shattered the trust you had with her.

Good luck and keep strong for you, your kids and whatever is left of the marriage.

Edited November 11, 2020 by MickeyBill
correction