So many clichés, so obvious... how come I cant stop it?

[BaileyB]

With regards to my marriage, I explained before. I dont have a particular problem with my wife. Just the opposite, I have absolutely no regrets. She is caring, beautiful and well above me in terms of integrity. This is not a typical situation where the main relationship is damaged.

 

The main relationship is not damaged, according to you. I’m quite sure, if your wife knew the truth of her situation, she would have a very different opinion...

[ManMar]

Of course she does, she has a very comfy set up here, she won't want to give that up readily, if she can help it...

 

She needs to keep you sweet and on board for as long as she can. It is in her best interests.

She has you by the short and curlies.

Older guy, last chance saloon as regards attracting a 20 something woman, you put up with the nonsense of the fiance as you know you cannot expect any better... she wormed herself in... and now it is all about "love"...

It may be for you, but for her, I doubt it...

Take away the mentoring, the nice lifestyle, the elevated position, the partnership and you would not see her for dust, sorry to say...

 

I get that this is a bit of a two way street with both of you getting some benefit here, but all this stuff about "love" just seems to me to be a bit naive, when we are talking about a woman who it seems to me is a pretty hard nut...

 

You are forgetting that I am an irresistible, charming attractive guy and a king in bed! hahaha I wish!

 

I am super naive and I had been totally played. She is a sociopath with a hidden agenda and no scrupulous... I love your cynicism! but no, neither of us sits in those extremes...

 

Seriously, I'm sure there are elements of everything you have mentioned. Middle life crises on my side, ambition on hers.

 

Maybe I would not have fallen is she was not young, pretty and smart. Surely she would not be playing around with me if I was not who I am. But that is always the case, we all are who we are.

 

Sure, I have closed my eyes to serious red flags. That is correct. I have also put up with this wedding and other stuff, that is also correct. But dont forget that I could have said: stop it all, now, I leave my family to be with you... and I have not done it. I had, and still have, other priorities that are above that.

 

I dont know what the litmus test for love is. I have felt this strong connection and attraction three times in my life. This is one of them. I identify it with love, but other people would have other definitions.

 

Yes, we are not perfect, but imperfect individuals can feel real emotions. Love is not something reserved to the purest minds.

[ManMar]

I made no assumption, just expressed my hope.

 

Oh, you da clever bidness man, ain't you? Good for you champ.

 

Your hope! hahah, the I wish you well too!

[ManMar]

This woman operated like a MM. She adored that MM was so into her and she felt desirable. Getting it all out before she breaks her vows. Getting it out of her system. She loves the man shes marrying she just wants something fun under her belt. Years of a bachelorette party in her mind. Very rare for a woman to compartmentalize like this. Shes a rare breed all while planning her beautiful and sacred day.

Shes a catch!!

 

You are using irony, but I agree with you... she is able to behave in ways that are surprising to me.

 

I tried to understand her rationalization on getting married. She goes like this: I was going to break up, but I realized that I could not do it. You were not an option and I thought it could work with him, I had to make a decision, now I regret it. The whole wedding machinery started and I could not disappoint all the people involved. I dont want to hurt my family, I dont want to hurt him. I dont want to get married, but I am doing it.

 

Nobody is pointing a gun at her, so I dont buy the argument. She is marrying very consciously, for practical reasons. She bores her, but he is a good guy. She is the type of woman that needs adrenaline every now and then, I have been providing the shoots for some time, but I am obviously replaceable in that department...Yes, I predict the same that comes to your mind.

 

Having said all this, I do think she is genuine when we are together, otherwise she would be a sociopath. We all have motivations, some are whiter than others, I dont think she is all about self-interest.

[ManMar]

OP, she's just entitled. She wants the security and comfort of a marriage and the fun of being with you. She even started her affair before she got married.

 

Honestly, I have no idea how you, in good conscience, can allow their farce of a marriage to take place. I say tell him. let him know all the gory details. If you feel one iota of guilt, you'll save him from future heartbreak. It might be painful to him now, but it will hurt a lot worse if he finds out about the true nature of his then wife ten years from now.

 

I cant disagree, she wants the security of the marriage and whatever she gets from our relationship. This is what facts are screaming.

 

Now, with regards to your second point.... how can I allow their marriage to take place?.... I dont know... how can I pretend to place myself in a high moral ground? that would be utmost hypocritical to say the least.

 

Imagine I send an anonymous text to her BF, would that be out of a tantrum, jealousy or some other selfish reason? it would have a high component of that. I really dont have clean feelings, I feel bad for this guy but I also have the other selfish feelings. I dont like them, but I have them, I cannot act on them pretending that is a reflection of good morals.

[ManMar]

it sounds like her marriage blows up sooner or later. Probably once she's had her kids and starts to feel bored again. Sad. Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming, Horny.

 

First things first. This person needs to be out of your life.

 

Good definition, plus adrenaline-seeking and sweet. She is all that.

 

First things first, that is right. It is not done yet.

 

Thanks-

[ManMar]

[quote=pepperbird;7766493

 

About your ow? She's a big girl who walked into the affair, eyes wide open. In my opinion, you both thrive on the drama. It somehow fuels you both.

 

Now, you say you've ended things, but you didn't really do it for your wife or your marriage. I think the truth is you did it for yourself. It would be too hard for you to watch your ow get married and see/ hear about her building her new life. I understand that, but I really think you need to be a lot more honest with yourself, otherwise, you are going to keep on hurting other people, which is exactly what you say you don't want to do.

 

 

I do hope you can work through all of this in an honest way.

 

Those are fair comments. Tell me, what is the "honest way", be realistic.

[Acacia98]

The main relationship is not damaged, according to you. I’m quite sure, if your wife knew the truth of her situation, she would have a very different opinion...

 

I actually think his wife knows the truth of the situation (at the instinctive level). She just doesn't have concrete evidence. So she's not going to explode or make an extreme accusation. But she must be enduring a lot of pain/anxiety/confusion and suppressing them... I really feel for her.

 

And then there's the young woman's fiance... Damn! When this bubble finally bursts, that man is going to be so deeply wounded... the type of wound that can take a lifetime to get over... I've been hurt by someone I really cared about, but my experience seems like nothing compared to what his is going to be. And, you know, I thought that the pain I endured was the worst thing in the world, but, clearly, things could have been much much worse. I actually know a woman whose fiance did something very similar (i.e. similar to what the OP's affair partner is doing) to her. 30 years on, she hasn't recovered.

[Veronica73]

You were the one that told us you gave the OW an option to wait for 2 years when you would be able to be free to be with her. What about that indicates your wife is plan A?

 

You would still have to break up your marriage to be with her, unless you don't expect your wife to still be around at that point e.g.if she is seriously ill.

 

I was wondering about this as well. And if it has anything to do with the family tragedy.

 

I don’t understand why some people are so insistent that he let the boyfriend know his girlfriend has been unfaithful for 2 years. If there is anybody that he has some sort of obligation to tell, it seems that it would be his wife.

[Cullenbohannon]

The emperor has no clothes.

[Cullenbohannon]

Behold, the MM in all of his glory. Successfull, articulate, a 50 year old dastardly devil. And yes to all the OWs and MOWs who ask the question so desperately. He does love his OW. Or at least he started to once the OW had a ring on her finger......hmmmm.

 

So dump your BF and Husbands and marry your MM. And live the life of his wife. And watch as your loving former MM showers you with love and respect, as he will certainly mend his ways, since YOU are now the wife(Yikes!!). This is your superhero, the good guy, who is just misunderstood by the misses. Even though he has cheated HIS ENTIRE MARRIAGE.

 

Yes, OW, he does love you, even if he has to fire you from your job for daring to end the affair. Firing you for not staying single and available to his lust and his loins. Watch the metamorphisis from the dashing devil to the unworthy.

 

The Emperor. The entitled. The classic MM. From where i come from we call this guy a charlie. A fake alpha. A man with no clothes.

 

Rock on with your bad self.....brother.

 

The punishment is accepted.

Edited March 28, 2019 by Cullenbohannon

[ManMar]

Behold, the MM in all of his glory. Successfull, articulate, a 50 year old dastardly devil. And yes to all the OWs and MOWs who ask the question so desperately. He does love his OW. Or at least he started to once the OW had a ring on her finger......hmmmm.

 

So dump your BF and Husbands and marry your MM. And live the life of his wife. And watch as your loving former MM showers you with love and respect, as he will certainly mend his ways, since YOU are now the wife(Yikes!!). This is your superhero, the good guy, who is just misunderstood by the misses. Even though he has cheated HIS ENTIRE MARRIAGE.

 

Yes, OW, he does love you, even if he has to fire you from your job for daring to end the affair. Firing you for not staying single and available to his lust and his loins. Watch the metamorphisis from the dashing devil to the unworthy.

 

The Emperor. The entitled. The classic MM. From where i come from we call this guy a charlie. A fake alpha. A man with no clothes.

 

Rock on with your bad self.....brother.

 

The punishment is accepted.

 

Hi brother! I am all ears to your moral lessons, full of wisdom.

 

Firing for daring to end the affair!!! she is the victim and I am the executioner!!

 

Judgement is always colored by the lens through which you see the world, as the poet would say. It seems your lens is so pure that you have a perfect moral view. You are so lucky! congrats.

 

Moral judgement on others is so clean and obvious, it also provides comfort, it feels great to preach right up from the mountain: you devils! you sinners! this is the right thing!! I am so lucky and proud that I am good, look at me! except that when people do look at the preachers... they find they are also human and flawed.

 

My friend, let me give you back a piece of advice: there is an extended field of applied psychology that looks into how people make decisions when facing difficult choices, when actions have several consequences or when human feelings interfere with brain logic (all people, including preachers and those who think they are immune).

 

It turns out that abstract behavior (all those genuine good intentions, how we think we are going to react to temptation or facing difficult choices) is not a good predictor of actual behavior (including the missteps and transgressions to moral codes), because in the real world, all humans behave according to a mix of incentives, external influences, feelings and rationalization.

 

In other words, actual behavior is situational, very much depends on the context. That is why people fail on diets or exercise plans or new year resolutions. The good intentions are genuine, but the actual behavior is contextual. You think you are going to turn down that delicious dessert, but if your are in a dinner with friends, you feel relaxed and people encourage you to try just a bit, you easily end up eating the whole cake. This is why a very important element of addictions is to get out of an environment that facilities them.

 

Yes, it is well understood that behavior is contextual. That does not justify bad behavior, but provides a different lens to judge others. We do need a clear set of priorities that reflect sound ethical standards, but we also need to be aware that it is much easier to break them than one may think.

 

I am in an ethically wrong situation. I know. I am trying to fix it.

 

We are all sinners my friend. Except you, of course.

[ManMar]

I actually think his wife knows the truth of the situation (at the instinctive level). She just doesn't have concrete evidence. So she's not going to explode or make an extreme accusation. But she must be enduring a lot of pain/anxiety/confusion and suppressing them... I really feel for her.

 

And then there's the young woman's fiance... Damn! When this bubble finally bursts, that man is going to be so deeply wounded... the type of wound that can take a lifetime to get over... I've been hurt by someone I really cared about, but my experience seems like nothing compared to what his is going to be.

 

I agree with both of your views. The potential impact of something like this in other people is unjustifiable. Yes, I have been extremely selfish and I dont like to look at myself in the mirror.

 

With regard to my wife, I know how to make it up. She just wants back the life companion she used to have. This is not resolved with words, but with day-to-day actions. I have to be there for her. I am on it.

 

In terms of the BF, I am trapped. He didnot mattered to me at the beginning, it was just another guy. Everything changed when I saw him fighting for his relationship and getting all in into the marriage project. I started having a strong guilt sentiment, of wtf I was doing, destroying something like that. I know that she is responsible, but I am responsible too.

 

I dont think the OW is a bad person. I do think she cares about him. I know, she is behaving like if she didnot give a damm, but she does. She wants to want him, but she is unable if I am around. I think all this is a mistake for which she is paying a high price. She is really distressed, disgusted with herself. She feels unable to stop the wedding and disappoint her family and friends. I know, it may seem childish, but there is something called "escalation of commitment" that we all fall into. We all sometimes get so invested in some situations that we cant see a way out. Besides, he is a good guy, she thinks it may work after all.

 

Contrary to some views, I dont think her motivation with me has been just having some fun or progressing in her career. Maybe at the beginning she got carried away with my attention and and the life-style, but it has been a long time we both are surpassed by the situation, not feeling well at all. The last months have been extremely painful for both.

[ManMar]

I was wondering about this as well. And if it has anything to do with the family tragedy.

 

I don’t understand why some people are so insistent that he let the boyfriend know his girlfriend has been unfaithful for 2 years. If there is anybody that he has some sort of obligation to tell, it seems that it would be his wife.

 

I prefer not to elaborate on what happened to our family, but my wife is no sick or anything like that.

 

There are many people in this forum that are victims of deception. They have suffered a lot when they discovered what was going on. Most would have liked to know much sooner. It is only natural they empathize with the BF (or my wife).

 

Having said that, imo, there is no clear cut answer as to what is the ethical course of action; surely ending the A is the first step, that is unquestionable. But once it is out of the way, do you need to hurt the innocent victims just because you feel they deserve to know, or are they better off living in ignorance? I think it is very much dependent on the specific situation.

[pepperbird]

Y

Yes, we are not perfect, but imperfect individuals can feel real emotions. Love is not something reserved to the purest minds.

 

 

Sir, stamping the word "love" on what you've been doing doesn't change a thing. Sure, it might make it more palatable to you..." I didn't mean to do this...we were in love!" , but do you really think it changes anything.

 

 

Like I said above, to give a better perspective, try the exercise I recommended. Picture yourself explaining all this to your wife and why it was all okay because you and the ow were "in love". Tell her is was okay that you hurt her, it's okay that you would have been willing to divorce her if only your ow said "jump" and that you've really only stuck around because your OW was getting married to someone else, all while you and she were still sleeping together.

 

If you were in your wife's shoes, how would you feel if she came to you with this sort of a story? You say you love your wife, yet you are showing her this level of disrespect. How does that add up? Is that how you treat someone you love?

[pepperbird]

I I cannot act on them pretending that is a reflection of good morals.

 

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

Good morals? Nt one damned thing you have done surrounding this affair has shown good morals.

 

 

Let's see what you've done so far that has shown good morals?

You've cheated on your wife for many years, lied to her every day, had sex with her while you were having sex with your ow, you've opened your wife up to all sorts of crap from your OW

 

 

She has been leading this guy along, pretending to love him, lying to his face every day, even planning a wedding ( which I expected her fiance is helping to pay for). They'll get married, maybe have kids, and then one day, he'll find out that she's been unfaithful...whether with you or someone else. If you want to see what that does to a man, take a look in the infidelity section.

 

You will have helped to cause all of that.

 

Don't try playing the " god morals" card now. No one thing you have done has shown them, so why do they suddenly matter to you now?.

[ManMar]

 

Don't try playing the " good morals" card now. .

 

You know I have not played that card, I have said precisely the opposite.

 

It does not really matter, seems you want to make a point, so you will take anything that sounds like confirming your views. Just pick a better one.

[ManMar]

Sir, stamping the word "love" on what you've been doing doesn't change a thing. Sure, it might make it more palatable to you..." I didn't mean to do this...we were in love!" , but do you really think it changes anything.

 

 

Like I said above, to give a better perspective, try the exercise I recommended. Picture yourself explaining all this to your wife and why it was all okay because you and the ow were "in love". Tell her is was okay that you hurt her, it's okay that you would have been willing to divorce her if only your ow said "jump" and that you've really only stuck around because your OW was getting married to someone else, all while you and she were still sleeping together.

 

If you were in your wife's shoes, how would you feel if she came to you with this sort of a story? You say you love your wife, yet you are showing her this level of disrespect. How does that add up? Is that how you treat someone you love?

 

No, stamping the word love does not change the unethical behavior. I have never said so. However, it does not make the word "love" inappropriate, just because you dont like the concept associated with a scenario like this. Sorry, but it happens.

 

I am not pretending to paint my behavior as "appropriate" you are shooting the wrong target.

 

Also, your description of why the OW and I are not together, does not reflect reality. I have explained it in detail. Sorry, I know the facts, not you.

 

Finally, I agree that this is very disrespectful to my wife. Obviously.

 

You dont need to change my words, or my meaning, or my story, to make the point that an affair is ethically wrong.

Edited March 28, 2019 by ManMar

[pepperbird]

Those are fair comments. Tell me, what is the "honest way", be realistic.

 

 

Well since you asked ( and you won't like this)

 

 

I think you're full of crap. Both you and your ow. I don't mean that you are bad people, rather than you have both worked really hard to try and justify your actions and make them seem okay. One of the big ways you try and do it is by saying" we love each other".

 

You say you want the affair to end, yet when I suggested one sure way of ending it either way ( telling her fiance) you come up with reasons why you can't, the top one being you feel it would be morally wrong. Now morals suddenly matter to you? Where were they during the affair?

 

Your ow is a user. It's pretty obvious. She's used you to climb the corporate ladder and for that "adrenaline shot", she's using her fiance for stability and a safe place to fall. She may be all sweet and loving to your face, but think on this.When she's with her fiance, she's likley all sweet and loving to him too, as if she wasn't, he wouldn't have stuck around.

 

Is she a sociopath? I have no idea, and labeling her behvaior doesn't change it anyway. The same goes for you.

 

You?

You are lying to your wife, to your ow fiance and worst of all, to yourself. You say if your ow had said she wanted to be with you full time, you would have ended your marriage, yet you also say your wife is not your "plan B". That doesn't even make any sense.

 

You've also allowed your wife to love a lie. She doesn't love "you", she loves the "you" you have allowed her to see. Do you think she would still love you as much if she knew that you've been unfaithful for years? That you have been able to lie to her with this level of skill? That every time you've told her you loved her, held her hand, snuggled up on the couch, been intimate, every time you looked into her eyes and said "I love you", you were cheating on her? How many times have you lied to her? How many times have you ducked out with your phone for a minute to send a text or email to your OW? How many times have you lied to her about where you were going, who you were talking to and what you were doing?

 

I don't think you're a bad guy, but I don't think you're really seeing the whole picture here. Do you want this to be the rest of your life, because if you think your OW is going to stop trying to contact you after she's married, you could be very wrong.

 

My advice to you? Your situation is not complicated, in fact, it's actually quite simple. Try this. Picture the type of life you woudl like to be living six months from now, a year from now, ten years form now. What does it look like? What does it look like for your wife? Give that a lot of thought. Once you've settled on it, decide what you need to do to make that happen ethically.

 

 

 

About the honesty? You can't change what's already happened. All you can do is give consideration to the type of man you want to be, and then work to make that happen. Do you want to be a man who can lie (with a smile no less) to the woman he claims he loves, or do you want to be the man who is honest?

 

It comes down to priorities and what sort of human being you want to be. Do you want to be someone who uses people or do you want to be someone who gives back as much as he takes?

 

It's your life. Not mine.

[lolita888]

I do not really think that she loves you as much as you thought. As you said, she's an intelligent woman. She may have been using you thinking that it will benefit her while enjoying everything that comes with the A.

 

 

There are lots of MW who ended up leaving their BH out of their love for their MM. So why would she choose to marry him if she really loves you as much? She could've break up with him if everything that she says is true - but she couldn't. Instead of breaking up with him, she decided to marry him. I do not think she was being completely honest with you. She do love him. Wanted to be with him. Enjoys sex with him and happy with him - otherwise she would've break it off with him long before that.

 

 

I have read a lot of threads here in LS and it seems that MM often have the same story and lies that they are telling to their OW. Maybe this is just a reverse? She's acting like how most MM will act to their OW.

[ManMar]

Well since you asked ( and you won't like this)

 

Hi Pepper, I appreciate the time you are taking.

 

Not sure what question you are exactly answering, seems more like a rhetorical tool to push ahead your agenda on why cheating is morally wrong. Anyway, thanks for the effort.

 

Let me be crystal clear: I know the difference between right and wrong, I know cheating is wrong, I have never justified my actions. My actions are wrong.

 

Let me repeat: I am aware my actions within the A are ethically wrong.

 

Maybe it is my English. I do my best. Hopefully, now the message comes across.

 

With that as a premise, everything you say about justifications, lying to ourselves, etc. is pretty much irrelevant in this case. I understand that people do justify their wrongdoing, probably I do the same in some other aspects of my life, but not in this. I have never justified the A.

 

Yes, I do love this girl. It is a description of a feeling. Not a justification. Who knows whether she loves me or not, but that does not change the ethical considerations.

 

With regards to the broad moral judgements, believe me, you are not opening my eyes. I am much harsher with myself. I read between your lines good intentions, as if I needed enlightenment on the ethical gravity of what I have been doing. I am perfectly aware.

 

Yes, I am concerned with hurting other people. Yes, it has not stopped my selfish behavior. Yes, I dont want to hurt her BF just because it would make me feel better. Yes, I am concerned about my wife. Yes, I am concerned about the OW. Yes, I am also concerned about me. I am by no means an example of generosity, but I am not indifferent to peoples' suffering.

 

I totally agree with you that this line of behavior, acting repeatedly against your own moral values, has long term implications. It undermines the fundamental pillars of a person. It has to be recognized as a mistake and corrected. I know that.

 

What is messed up in this situation, the reason for the title of this whole thread, is how, even understanding all that, I find myself in this trap?

 

Am I simply weaker than I thought? Am I addicted and need some treatment? Is it just a temporary loss of judgement due to a middle life crises, or some sort of PTSD? Is this just something as simple as sex? I know that I am not going to find the answers in a forum, but it is very interesting to see how similar these situations are. I am learning a lot.

 

Anyway, thanks again for the time. Please, do not insist on the ethical line. I got the point already.

Edited March 28, 2019 by ManMar

[vla1120]

I am in an ethically wrong situation. I know. I am trying to fix it.

 

I am not sure of the workplace laws where you live. Here in the U.S., you would be leaving yourself wide open for a lawsuit from your OW if she gets her panties in a bunch at any point and decides she's mad at you. She probably has proof of your worldly travels "for business" and could cost you your business, if she wanted to (if she can prove you shared a room, if she can claim you coerced her into sex against her wishes by holding a promotion over her head, etc.) But you have already said that you are not worried about that.

 

So I will only give you advice on how to "fix" your situation. Immediately confess everything to your wife - not only this long term love affair, but also all of the random sexual encounters you've had during your marriage. Make sure she goes to her doctor to get checked for STDs (because you DO care for her, after all.) Get yourself into individual counseling and ask for a definitive diagnosis (narcissism? delusions of grandeur caused by schizophrenia or bipolar disorder?) Beg your wife for her forgiveness and promise her that you will NEVER stray again from the vows and sanctity of your marriage.

 

IF (and that's a big if) she decides to stay with you and work on the marriage, spend the rest of your natural life trying to make it up to her.

 

Oh, and offer the OW a nice severance package. THAT'S how you fix this problem.

[Amethyst68]

The fact that your OW chose to get engaged and then proceed with the wedding thereby making her no longer an option does not make your wife, your marriage plan A. What it does is make it the default choice, you can't have what you want so you're sticking with what you have. Your wife is the back-up plan here. If she were truly your plan A you would have been fighting for your marriage not fighting for the OW to decide against taking that step herself!

 

 

I'm curious how you are showing your wife she is the important person to you. You are adamant she is plan A so what actions are you doing to prove this?

 

You are so dismissive of her, you have stated she won't care about your previous no strings attached sex or even the sex with this OW and that all you will to do is pay her a bit more attention. Nothing in your actions, as described by you, show the slightest concern about your wife never mind love. There would be no hours long phone calls to the OW, a simple 'I love my wife and want to repair the damage I've done' is all that's needed.

[ManMar]

I do not really think that she loves you as much as you thought. As you said, she's an intelligent woman. She may have been using you thinking that it will benefit her while enjoying everything that comes with the A.

 

She's acting like how most MM will act to their OW.

 

Hi Lolita, let me take your comment as an example and try to make two descriptions of this OW.

 

I would love other peoples views.

 

(Apologies for the excessive wording, I write fast but I dont really have the time to synthesize)

 

Looking at it with hindsight, I think this A started the day we met for a job interview. This young woman meets one of the founders of a start-up that is looking for someone bright as a first company employee. Naturally, the people attracted to this position are risk-takers. She lands the job because she was objectively the best. Together we start developing this business (the other founder leaves in other country). I am this middle aged businessman, with a recent shock in his life, well positioned, travelled, I guess with some narcissistic traits. This young woman is a rare combination of bright mind, strong education, pretty looks, hard working, sweet and with an inclination for exploring life that I discovered later.

 

For months the relationship is purely work related. I was entirely focused on the company. Not even thinking on her as woman, let alone an AP. She was pretty, but I was simply not in the mindset for anything.

 

I believe that precisely my lack of interest sparked her interest on me. She started a subtle flirting that I followed. I took it as fun, but not really thinking on anything else. Until one day we go out for dinner together, and I realized she was seriously flirting with me. I remember thinking, what?? is she really hitting on me? I closed the night and nothing happened, but the seed was there. A couple of months later, during another trip, the flirting increased and I ended up saying no to an invitation to her room. A few weeks later we had sex. All these are international trips, in cool cities and nice hotels.

 

I was perfectly aware of the implications. It was a total mess up. I was really well with my wife. This OW was extremely good professionally, I had to work with her, I needed her, the business was going full speed, wtf I was doing! I know what infatuation is and all the ingredients were there. I knew that she was playing my vanity. I agreed anyway. I am a grown up man, it was the stupidest thing I could do. I have no excuses.

 

I knew from the first day where it was going to take us. I even told her: this is going to end up very badly, we are going to hurt ourselves and most importantly, others. I even told her, I cannot imagine the day I have to go to your wedding (her BF have not even proposed). She looked at me like if I was dramatizing. I was not. Experience does not give you much, but it helps anticipating and providing perspective. We were heading the wrong way.

 

Anyway, this intro is common for both descriptions. Now I share my view on how she handled the situation and an alternative cynical view of her actions.

 

Descriptions

 

version 1) It all started as fun. I am the oldest guy she has been with, but she has always had a taste for experienced guys. Maybe daddy issues, who knows. She is the kind of woman that goes after a guy if she likes him. She had never been really committed in a relationship. Yes, she was with a BF, but the boundaries were not there. She enjoyed the challenge with me. She was attracted by the personality, the fast decision making, the mentoring. She is not the kind of woman that enjoys expensive objects, but no doubt the life-style, the traveling, the hotels, all added up.

 

It started as a game, until one day I told her: this is not a hook up, this is a love story, an impossible one. You have not realized yet. She came back saying: yes, I do, my first love story.

 

The fun continued during several months, until problems with her BF started. She was distant. We continued with our love story, the passion, the excitement. I was losing my mind for her, but I insisted: I am not an option, I want be for three years. One day, her BF proposed, and she accepted.

 

She tried to break up with me. I didnot let her. I was still considering having a second chapter in my life, with her. She was lost, torn between her real life and the excitement of our affair. She decides to focus on her BF, problems between us started. I was myself in a position I did not expect. My wife, a super woman, suddenly feels how I am not there. It was totally stupid, I found myself in love with this girl.

 

The OW and I break up several times. Drama. we work together, it is impossible not to fall again. She starts progressing with her wedding. I start feeling jealous, frustrated. For the first time of my life I am aware that I am getting old. Never thought about it before. She injects life in me. I become addicted.

 

I am super intense. For good and bad. She is overwhelmed by the attention, by the non-stop of needing each other. But the inconsistencies continue to be there, she es marrying another guy. She is in a mess, constant anxiety, regrets for accepting the proposal, pressure from the BF and her family to organize the event, pressure from me on trying to understand wtf we were about.

 

At some point the pressure is too much. For both. We decide to break up for good. We know the implication is that we cannot see each other ever again. She has to leave the company. This has happened just a few days ago.

 

version 2) this woman is brilliant, ambitious and knows how to play a man. She finds this guy and decides to accept the job proposal, with maybe some intention. She waits for the right moment, persists, until she gets what she wants. The company is doing so well that it is the best deal she can ever imagine. She is promoted to partner, she makes good money, she has one founder under her skirt. Now, at the same time, she wants to develop a controllable life. Her BF is a good guy, that she thinks she can manage. She accepts the marriage proposal, with the intention of continuing with her games, with me now, with someone else later.

 

She does not really love me or her BF, she loves the excitement, the attention, the fun. She is willing to exchange sex for that. She looks to keep the best of both worlds. I was providing the fun for some time, but she can easily find someone else. She does not really give a damm for her BF neither. She just uses him too.

 

What would she do if it was version 2? she would try to extract much more from me and the company. She would look to continue the A, playing me as she pleases.

 

What do you think on her? Is she version 1 or version 2? What do you anticipate is the next chapter of this tragicomedy?

[Naivewomen]

In my opinion, she has to leave the company ASAP!!! You will never heal nor can you be your authentic self with her in the picture. A complete NC is necessary at this time!! Not too sure what advice to give you for her wedding but I would be praying to come down with the flu. Lol.