So many clichés, so obvious... how come I cant stop it?

[georgia girl]

IMO, the only reasons you are not telling your wife are selfish. One, you want to protect the affair as long as possible and keep the option of the other OW open until well after the fat lady sings. Two, you don’t want to face the damage and hurt this has caused your family. Three, you want to focus on your emotions and not deal with the emotions of those you have so desperately hurt. Four, you are looking to protect your life as you know it - both the business and the stable family life.

 

Dude, your wife knows. She is repeatedly giving you chances to come clean with her. She wants you to be honest. If you ever have a shot at saving your marriage, you HAVE to be honest. As other posters have said, the lying is just as bad as the cheating. And the fact that she is creating emotional space for you to be honest and you lie again is like kicking her in the teeth.

 

I think in your fantasy world, you get to keep on keeping on until the wedding. That’s the absolute worst thing you can do. If you make your wife and son attend the wedding of your AP, you will cross a bridge that will be burned at your heels from the moment you step off.

 

You also have to tell your business partner. He deserves to know and the two of you need to make some decisions to protect the firm from the potential damage of a workplace affair.

 

It’s now or never. You either come clean, try to put your focus on your wife and marriage and move on, or turn out like some sorry sap who gambled and lost both your family and possibly your business.

 

I am not sure that there is anything anyone of us can say that can fully galvanize you to see the reality staring you in your face. You desperately need a wake up call. Is there a lawyer and a marriage counselor you could talk to individually who may be able to get through to you? This is DEFCON 5 in my book. If you go to that wedding, you will most assuredly destroy your own life, your family, possibly her new marriage and maybe even your business. Can no one wake you up to reality?

[georgia girl]

I forgot to add: I am going to assume that people associated with your business also have a strong suspicion. Maybe not your partner as he’s out of the country, but clients, other industry colleagues, any staff you have working for you, etc. it is simply naive to think that only your wife has noticed. The way you two have been acting - particularly over the last month or so - it’s like wearing a flashing sign.

 

Finally, and I hesitate to say this because it could break your heart, but I was 13 when I found out about my father’s affair - and that was with both of my parents actively trying to hide things from us. You never want to have that conversation with your son. I was one-half of that conversation and when I think back now to what I said and what I felt, I can’t imagine how either of us got through it. And FYI, my dad lied to me. It took me my mom getting over the betrayal to forgive the affair. It took me years later to forgive the lies. All I saw was a weak man who wouldn’t own up to what he did. That he had the you-know-what’s to do it, but he wasn’t man enough to admit it. If he had been honest, we could have healed sooner. As it was, we finally did heal and I got a couple of good years with him before he passed.

 

It’s time to own up to who you are, what you have done and how you will work to become the man the people in your life need you to be.

 

Sorry for being so harsh. I am sure you are a good guy - my dad was, too - but this weakness around honesty and authenticity has to be fixed.

[Acacia98]

IMO, the only reasons you are not telling your wife are selfish. One, you want to protect the affair as long as possible and keep the option of the other OW open until well after the fat lady sings. Two, you don’t want to face the damage and hurt this has caused your family. Three, you want to focus on your emotions and not deal with the emotions of those you have so desperately hurt. Four, you are looking to protect your life as you know it - both the business and the stable family life.

 

Dude, your wife knows. She is repeatedly giving you chances to come clean with her. She wants you to be honest. If you ever have a shot at saving your marriage, you HAVE to be honest. As other posters have said, the lying is just as bad as the cheating. And the fact that she is creating emotional space for you to be honest and you lie again is like kicking her in the teeth.

 

I think in your fantasy world, you get to keep on keeping on until the wedding. That’s the absolute worst thing you can do. If you make your wife and son attend the wedding of your AP, you will cross a bridge that will be burned at your heels from the moment you step off.

 

You also have to tell your business partner. He deserves to know and the two of you need to make some decisions to protect the firm from the potential damage of a workplace affair.

 

...

 

If you go to that wedding, you will most assuredly destroy your own life, your family, possibly her new marriage and maybe even your business. Can no one wake you up to reality?

 

I agree with you and the others who say similar, georgia girl.

 

ManMar, if you really wanted to end this thing, you'd tell your wife and your partner. You've allowed your ego (inflated, btw) to get the best of you. And you also seem to have a self-destructive streak. I am also now convinced of what someone said earlier, that you kind of see yourself as some hero... It's implied in what you say and how you say it.

 

This house of cards is gonna come crashing down. And, unfortunately, the people you're keeping at arm's length (your wife and partner) are going to have to deal with the messy aftermath.

[NotADayGoesBy]

ManMar, this whole thing is very sad because we can all see the runaway train approaching but you can't. Your posts have painted a clear mental picture (for me, anyway) of all the players in the story, which makes it all the more heartbreaking.

 

You have been given great advice to tell your wife. It may not always be the best option to tell the BS, but in this situation it's really your only option. Your wife already knows and you're gas lighting her by denying. As everyone has already pointed out, THAT is what is going to be hardest to forgive. The fact that you let her go on thinking she was 'crazy' for thinking there was something there and you lying by telling her otherwise.

 

It's time to be brave. It's time to come clean to wife and partner and skip the ceremony. Maybe consult a marriage counselor before you do it, but you have hit the point of no return. Be brave and do the right thing. Your world may blow up, but at least you are the one controlling when, where, and how it happens. Because the blowup is coming, regardless.

[ManMar]

Thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate the time you are taking with a total stranger.

 

For those that think I paint myself in a positive light, the reality is that I am very far from that. The list of wrongdoings and stupid actions that I have done is endless. I am totally aware. I have never justified my actions.

 

For those that point at my vanity. I am sure that I am guilty of that sin. I am not particularly humble, but I dont think I am too full of myself neither. I try to look at me objectively, and again, this A is not precisely an example of anything I can be proud of.

 

Btw, I think both the OW and myself are in the same shameful boat, not just her. It is easy to point at her for all the contradictions of going ahead with her marriage while in bed with me, but consider that I am an obsessed guy who is able to analyze every little detail. She is extremely bright, but I was not born yesterday. I may sound as naif sometimes, but I dont feel I am a victim. At the same time, we may have manipulated each other, but I have the peace of mind that I have never taken advantage of her, in any sense. Also, I dont think she had any sort of master plan of taking advantage of me. We started with inappropriate flirting that evolved into a genuine love story, with all the noise of being within the implicit deception of an affair, but with genuine feelings as well.

 

Talking about the practical aspects of this:

 

I dont think on telling my wife or my partner as a tool to end with this. I first have to do it myself. First person that I have to tell is the OW! I have not been firm enough. I have been writing a short letter to her on that regard, I am giving myself a few days before pulling the trigger and sending it. She is really unhappy and stressed with the situation, I do think she will agree.

 

With regards to my wife, she knows that something has been going on. We went together for a walk a couple of hours ago and we briefly discussed it again. I reiterated that I want to stay with her, which is the truth. She told me "I dont know what has happened, but you still have that woman in your mind, maybe you need to go with her to be happy". I think she was just testing my reaction, but most likely she assumes the worst. Btw, all this in a soft tone, she tells me "I dont really know how I ended up in this triangle, end it". I will disclose to her step by step, avoiding unnecessary details.

 

With regards to my business partner, I do think I should come clean with him. I really dont think there is any harassment issue here, for reasons I prefer not to explain. However, all this has had an impact on the business, no doubt. My mind has been somewhere else for too long. The OW attention has also be distracted. I have acted very irresponsibly, with business implications.

 

With regards to other people that might be suspicious, I think the potential list is really short. Bear in mind that the OW and I live in different countries and I visit the office just every now and then. Yes, there is always a risk, but I think it is contained. In the wedding, I think only her closest girlfriend knows, it is the only high risk that I can think of. Yes, this girlfriend can get drunk and most likely she does not like me being there. She could do something weird, that could happen, it is a risk.

 

With regards to me going for a quicky or anything of that sort during the wedding. It is totally out of my mind. Totally. Not even talking to her. Not even approaching her for a congratulation, or her fiancee. I intend to be as discreet as possible and leave super early. No alcohol whatsoever for me. Zero. I am much more concerned on hiding how disgusted I am going to be of the whole thing.

Edited April 9, 2019 by ManMar

[georgia girl]

ManMar,

 

You still don’t get it. This thing is a dumpster fire on the verge of jumping out of containment. And it just breaks my heart that once again, your wife asked for the truth and once again you prevaricated. Of everything you have done, this is the one thing she may never forgive. You’ve already cheated and you can’t fix that. She already knows. But if you man up and tell her yourself, you will go so far in restoring her dignity that you may just give your marriage a shot.

 

And let me seriously correct you and your priorities: your OW doesn’t get to know first; your wife does. That’s how it works when you choose someone. You say you are choosing your wife then do it.

 

You seem to think you are in control of this thing, yet in the past few days, you and your wife have had a couple of conversations about the OW. Is it going to take your wife uncovering a piece of evidence to get you to realize the jig is up? And if so, you realize that all trust is lost and that your wife will never forgive your dishonesty? For God’s sake, man, save yourself from yourself. Just go tell her.

[ManMar]

ManMar,

 

You still don’t get it. This thing is a dumpster fire on the verge of jumping out of containment. And it just breaks my heart that once again, your wife asked for the truth and once again you prevaricated. Of everything you have done, this is the one thing she may never forgive. You’ve already cheated and you can’t fix that. She already knows. But if you man up and tell her yourself, you will go so far in restoring her dignity that you may just give your marriage a shot.

 

And let me seriously correct you and your priorities: your OW doesn’t get to know first; your wife does. That’s how it works when you choose someone. You say you are choosing your wife then do it.

 

You seem to think you are in control of this thing, yet in the past few days, you and your wife have had a couple of conversations about the OW. Is it going to take your wife uncovering a piece of evidence to get you to realize the jig is up? And if so, you realize that all trust is lost and that your wife will never forgive your dishonesty? For God’s sake, man, save yourself from yourself. Just go tell her.

 

Hi Ggirl, thanks for your all your thoughts. I hear you.

 

I am not hiding information from my wife out of cowardly. I do think details are unnecessarily harmful. She is already aware of my emotional involvement. Yes, I have minimized it, but I have not denied it.

 

I also dont like the idea of using her to get out of this, again, that is something that I have to do myself.

[oldlion]

As I read this my heart hurt for your wife and the other woman's boyfriend. They have all my sympathy for the screwed up situation of lies and deceit that encompasses their life and have no conception of what is really going on. If you really wanted to end this you would "grow a pair", tell your wife and the boyfriend the truth. This would stop everything in it's tracks and leave the road open for you and "the love of your life" to run away to fantasy land and live happy ever after. Cheaters "always" use the same line..."I don't tell because I don't want to hurt them." At least be empathetic enough to tell the boyfriend before he ruins his life. Your actions toward him is like standing on the bank of a river watching a man in the process of drowning and doing nothing when you could save him. I think you have gotten away with cheating so long you don't think you will ever be caught. I am retired military. I once had a soldier standing in front of my desk that had committed several crimes that he had covered up and scared other people into covering for him. He was smiling at me knowing I had no evidence for his latest misdeed. I told him he had beaten me but if he continued in his ways he may beat me again and again but the law of averages said, one day, I would get him. About three weeks later I watched the MP's put him in handcuffs and take him away, as I smiled at him. I would think that your law of averages is getting close. There is an old movie you should see. The title is "Do The Right Thing". I'm a believer in what goes around comes around. I believe KARMA gets you in this life or the next. I hope I'm no where near you and your girlfriend when it comes looking for you. It will be a nuclear explosion of epic proportions. Although, I do wish you well.

[Amethyst68]

It would be divine retribution if your wife contacts the BF and blows this whole situation up. She has the invite, she knows his name, his address, it would be easy for her to reach him on social media or even voice her objections at the wedding.

 

 

I know you you're going to say your wife would never do this but keep in mind you and OW vv have been emotionally abusing her for years. People can be unpredictable if they feel pushed to the edge.

[BaileyB]

 

I am not hiding information from my wife out of cowardly. I do think details are unnecessarily harmful. She is already aware of my emotional involvement. Yes, I have minimized it, but I have not denied it.

 

With respect, she knows something is going on but she has no idea how bad it is... you have denied it, by giving her half truths. And that, is more painful than just knowing the truth.

 

How would you feel if the tables were turned? How would you feel if your wife had sex with another man and she minimized and told you “the details were unnecessarily harmful.” Would you say - “Thanks honey. I appreciate your concern and I’m going to trust you, I don’t need to know any details...” or, would you want to know every single detail of how your wife had been with this man - how long, how many times, where, when, how emotionally involved she was with this man or was it only physical...

 

If you were being honest, I think you would say that you would want every. last. detail. You would want to analyze every single detail the way you analyze everything, and you would need to understand why. It would be a massive blow to your ego and you would be desperate to take back control. I think that you would be darn right angry at your wife for lying to you and withholding information... for making this decision for you and taking away your right to self-determination - to be in charge of your own life, and marriage, and future.

Edited April 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

Your wife has given you an ultimatum, that's what the instruction to end it was. Just pointing it out as you seem determined to insist she is still just suspicious.

 

 

Are you ready for the consequences if you carry on the affair?

 

 

BTW I don't think you should tell your wife to help you end the affair, that responsibility lies with you. You should tell her so that she holds agency in her own life for the first time in several years. Let her make an informed decision about her future.

[ManMar]

Hi,

 

Again, I understand the sympathy for my wife, she is a victim on all this.

 

However, I have a different view on whether "the right to know" is an absolute moral principle. I think sometimes above that right there is "the right to be happy". Actually, this is a moral dilemma that philosophers have discussed at length with no conclusion. It all comes down to a value judgement.

 

In fact, we all apply this judgement in the everyday life: "honey, I do I look fat in this dress?", "what are you talking about, you look perfect!". This little deception is a light application of the same moral dilemma. Sometimes we are better off by not knowing, because, at the end of the day, what is important is to be happy, not to have perfect information. I understand that some people will argue the opposite and will always reply "yes, not only you look fat, but also old and ugly in that dress" because they consider the right to know as an absolute sacred priority, I disagree, I think life is about trade offs.

 

In this case, I do think my wife is better off by not knowing the details. I cannot see the purpose of a harmful full disclosure, other than cleaning my own mind. What my wife really wants is my full commitment to her, recovering her marriage. I know it sounds harsh for many of you, but I really think that is the case. Yes, I am taking that decision on her behalf. I also sometimes tell her she looks fantastic only to provide confidence, many other times she actually looks fantastic.

 

With regards to disclosing to the OW boyfriend, I have already given my opinion on this: at some point I have been tempted, but for the wrong reasons, I believe among my motivations some sort of revenge was playing a role. I dont think I can should act on questionable motives like that. Besides, it might be the case that their marriage works, I dont really know. I am going to stay away and sincerely wish them good luck.

Edited April 10, 2019 by ManMar

[BaileyB]

However, I have a different view on whether "the right to know" is an absolute moral principle. I think sometimes above that right there is "the right to be happy". Actually, this is a moral dilemma that philosophers have discussed at length with no conclusion. It all comes down to a value judgement.

 

What my wife really wants is my full commitment to her, recovering her marriage.

 

You must be a lawyer, the way you analyze things, create an argument, and attempt to distract attention and justify your own behavior...

 

Who do you think you are to make the decision about whether your wife has the right to know? That’s the equivalent of a politician telling the people “I have done a full investigation and I have concluded - I have done nothing wrong...” Your wife has a right to know the truth about her husband and her marriage. It is NOT a value judgment and it is NOT your decision to make.

 

If your wife knew the truth, she may well want something else from you than a “full commitment, recovering her marriage.” And therin lies your problem and the reason why you refuse to tell her the truth...

[pepperbird]

op,

Like I said before, you do seem like a decent sort of guy who has let a situation get way out of control. I am also impressed tat you aren't blaming anyone else for your actions and choices. A lot of people who cheat do.

 

I know you want to protect your wife, but believe me, in your case, not being open with her is doing the opposite. Your wife is suspicious, and I don't think she believes the lies you're telling her. Most BS don't. We don't necessarily think it's cheating ( although I think your wife knows with a fair degree of certainty, what's been going on), but they do know something is wrong.

 

If you reverse the roles, and it was your wife stepping out, think of how you would feel. You suspect something and your gut is screaming at you that she's not being faithful. You finally work up the nerve to ask her ( in a roundabout way) and she lies. What would your reaction be? Would you believe her or would you listen to your gut?

 

 

Right now, you have a huge golden opportunity many never get. Your wife had put the ball in your court. She has asked you to be honest with her. I'm not going to say it will be an easy road ahead for you if you come clean, but it may be the only way to save your marriage and protect the one you say is an innocent in all of this from being hurt even more ( the lying often hurts far worse than the actual cheating, which is really hurtful in and of itself)). She may decide she no longer wants to stay with you. Alternatively, she may decide that, she's really hurt and really angry but since you were honest with her, there could be a foundation to rebuild.

 

Putting all this to the side for a minute, it really comes down to the type of man you want to be. Do you want to be the kind of man who makes choices his child can be proud of, or do you want to be the kind of man who has to continue to live at least part of his life in the shadows, hiding what he does?

 

 

 

Whatever else you decide, I would hope that you won't ever go down the A road again.

[BaileyB]

Right now, you have a huge golden opportunity many never get. Your wife had put the ball in your court. She has asked you to be honest with her.

 

Agree. Let this opportunity pass at your own risk. Again, to use the analogy of a politician, it’s not usually the act that creates their downfall, but the coverup...

[elaine567]

"I dont really know how I ended up in this triangle, end it"

Your wife by what she said here I guess knows what is going on. I guess her imagination has filled in the gaps.

Or maybe she thinks it so unlikely that a 29yo would actually sleep with you, so she is not considering that as possibility.

Or she frankly doesn't care that much for the details as long as you keep providing the goods for her and your child. The presence of the OW threatens that security.

Whatever the situation she needs to have the OW gone out of your life. That is her first priority.

 

After that, then she may decide to go back to stable domesticity, or she may probe and probe until the truth emerges or she may silently seethe and make your life hell for the duration of your marriage, or she may mull it over and then file for divorce, who knows?

 

You seem to think if you make the decision to keep schtum, it is all for the best, but that is typical rug sweeping cheater behaviour.

Yes it is "for the best", but only for you...

You get to keep being the "good guy" whilst she absorbs all the hurt and pain.

[BaileyB]

Elaine is right. You do seem to think that you make all the decisions, but that is about to change... whether she learns the truth or not. It is about to change, whether you like it to not.

 

She may decide to go back to stable domesticity, or she may probe and probe until the truth emerges or she may silently seethe and make your life hell for the duration of your marriage, or she may mull it over and then file for divorce, who knows?

 

You have the illusion of control, but you have no control over when the truth comes out or what you wife will do - whether she learns the truth or not. You simply can’t control this... the only way you can have any control is if you try to get out in front of this, and come clean with your wife. Throw yourself on your sword and hope she shows you mercy.

Edited April 10, 2019 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

op,

you sound like a logical sort of mind. Look at your situation with logic.

 

 

Your wife has already let you know she suspects something. Most spouses I know wouldn't do that unless they were almost certain there was something going on.

Apply logic to this. If she thinks you're engaging in some inappropriate behavior, her mind will turn that into who knows what...maybe even the truth. If she figures it out on her own( or someone else tells her besides you), how will she ever be able to trust you again?

 

Put it into a workplace context. Say you have an employee you are almost certain is stealing from your company, but you have no concrete proof. You ask them about it, and they assure you that nothing is fishy, even though every instinct you have is telling you they are full of cr@p.

 

 

Do you believe them and happily go about you day, or do you continue to listen and trust your instincts about that employee?

 

Now let's repeat the scenario, but the employee comes to you, all on their own, and admits he/she was stealing and apologizes for their poor choices. They explain why they did what they did ( doesn't excuse it).

 

Which person would you feel you can trust more?

Edited April 10, 2019 by pepperbird

[ManMar]

You must be a lawyer, the way you analyze things, create an argument, and attempt to distract attention and justify your own behavior...

 

Who do you think you are to make the decision about whether your wife has the right to know? It is NOT a value judgment and it is NOT your decision to make.

 

Actually, you know what, a comment totally out of scope: I am not a lawyer, I am an engineer by training and a finance professional, so I guess I have a structured mind, too structured.

 

However, I have always had admiration by the ability of artists to express or create emotions, including of course, writers. I always made the effort to write; with time it started to come naturally, and I thought I could take it a step further, but I quickly realized that you cannot approach a creative activity with my type of mind... creativity is much more than that, it is not a technical skill.

 

So yes, I know how to use words to express my feelings or construct a logical argument, but I am unable to create a character and put life into it. I know, it is a total digression, just a note on a frustration I've always had.

 

Ok, to your point. I have not distracted attention anywhere with my words, I have given my point of view illustrating it with an example. I understand that you may have a different opinion, but using capital letters is not enough to make an absolute truth out of your opinion. Your opinion is a value judgement, as it is mine.

[ManMar]

Your wife by what she said here I guess knows what is going on. I guess her imagination has filled in the gaps.

Or maybe she thinks it so unlikely that a 29yo would actually sleep with you, so she is not considering that as possibility.

Or she frankly doesn't care that much for the details as long as you keep providing the goods for her and your child. The presence of the OW threatens that security.

Whatever the situation she needs to have the OW gone out of your life. That is her first priority.

 

After that, then she may decide to go back to stable domesticity, or she may probe and probe until the truth emerges or she may silently seethe and make your life hell for the duration of your marriage, or she may mull it over and then file for divorce, who knows?

 

You seem to think if you make the decision to keep schtum, it is all for the best, but that is typical rug sweeping cheater behaviour.

Yes it is "for the best", but only for you...

You get to keep being the "good guy" whilst she absorbs all the hurt and pain.

 

Hi Elaine, my favorite crusader.

 

You keep coming back after me as if everything I do is an example of evil behaviour. I'm sorry to disappoint you, I am a regular guy that is both able to screw things up, but also able to do the right thing every now and then.

 

You read all sorts of motivations in my wife. How can she be with someone like me? it has to be for the money! well, it is not, she is financially independent. Actually, I am not sure how to answer your question, but I think a lot has to do with a combination of a long story together and a very clear mind with regards to what is important in life (yes, she is way above me in that department).

 

As to why this 29yo woman has gone to bed with me, a 50yo guy, I am also not sure what to say. Maybe she always had a hidden agenda, as some people here argue. Btw, my wife does see it as a possibility, in fact, when we discussed her, I told my wife "she is getting married, that speaks by itself", and my wife reply is always "that doesnot mean anything if she is into you and you are into her, you will seek each other; do you love her?". You know what I answered to that.

 

As to what my wife can do in the future, there is a chance she leaves me. Yes. She would not just stay with me to make my life miserable, that is not her, she wants to be happy; bitterness is not a driver for her, she would just leave.

[ManMar]

op,

you sound like a logical sort of mind. Look at your situation with logic.

 

 

Your wife has already let you know she suspects something. Most spouses I know wouldn't do that unless they were almost certain there was something going on.

Apply logic to this. If she thinks you're engaging in some inappropriate behavior, her mind will turn that into who knows what...maybe even the truth. If she figures it out on her own( or someone else tells her besides you), how will she ever be able to trust you again?

 

Hi, thanks for your advice. I know there is a risk, but it is not that I am hiding everything from my wife.

 

She already assumes that there has been something beyond an EA, so getting confirmation on the sex would upset her a lot, but I dont think it would break her. She also knows who the OW is, I have not denied that. What I think would cause her the most pain is to see that for me this situation is not about lust, that I have been thinking on the OW in terms of a love story.

 

I know that this infatuation will pass and that I will focus my obsessions in something else (not a woman! I have other interests). It will take time, but I will forget the OW, I am able to see it. I dont see any good in transferring this obsession to my wife, she does not deserve the pain. In the meanwhile, I do have to control myself, I am in a dangerous limbo now.

Edited April 10, 2019 by ManMar

[pepperbird]

Hi, thanks for your advice. I know there is a risk, but it is not that I am hiding everything from my wife.

 

She already assumes that there has been something beyond an EA, so getting confirmation on the sex would upset her a lot, but I dont think it would break her. She also knows who the OW is, I have not denied that. What I think would cause her the most pain is to see that for me this situation is not about lust, that I have been thinking on the OW in terms of a love story.

 

 

Your analytical ind is failing you here.

 

Ask almost any BS if they really believe an affair being conducted under the circumstances your has been can just be emotional with no sexual contact involved. It's really simple.

 

I hope the answer is "no", but I did want to ask if you feel that keeping all these balls in the air is part of the attraction of the affair. Sort of the challenge of seeing if you can keep it going?

 

You do remind me of my brother. He's an adrenaline junkie who also has this need to keep his mind and body constantly active and hates being alone with himself. After his second divorce, he got right into those Ironman Triathalons, then it was sky diving, extreme travel, and now he's into scuba diving in dangerous places. I like looking at the photos, but I don't understand the appeal ( except maybe the extreme travel, but I can't do that anymore). I'm almost afraid to see what the next manifestation of his need for a super adrenaline rush will be. A real life, human version of "Frogger"?

[elaine567]

You have been getting away with cheating on your wife for years, in fact for most of your marriage.

You still believe you can get away with it...

[Acacia98]

However, I have a different view on whether "the right to know" is an absolute moral principle. I think sometimes above that right there is "the right to be happy". Actually, this is a moral dilemma that philosophers have discussed at length with no conclusion. It all comes down to a value judgement.

 

...

 

In this case, I do think my wife is better off by not knowing the details. I cannot see the purpose of a harmful full disclosure, other than cleaning my own mind. What my wife really wants is my full commitment to her, recovering her marriage. I know it sounds harsh for many of you, but I really think that is the case. Yes, I am taking that decision on her behalf.

 

ManMar, for me, this isn't about the right to know being an absolute moral principle. It's about the right to know being important for your wife in this particular situation.

 

Lemme ask you a question: are you the one who mentioned that you and your wife were in an open relationship or am I confusing you with another poster? If it was you who said those words, then you basically told us that your wife was okay with you sleeping with someone else as long as she was fully aware of it...

 

What I am trying to say is that people who are brave enough (IMO) to embrace open relationships are people who want to know. So it seems to me that the moral principle is highly relevant in your situation.

 

But let's say I'm wrong and you and your wife are not in an open relationship, the thing is, she's not oblivious to your affair. She's very much aware of it. She's bracing herself for the possibility that you will leave her and your kid. She's stumbling through the dark trying to prepare for the worst case scenario without any confirmation of how bad things actually are. Let me tell you, that's a f***ed up place to be. If a storm is brewing, you want to know as much as possible so that you can take cover.

 

The biggest favor you can do her is to give her information about the current situation so that, going forward, she can make informed decisions about her life.

 

You are being selfish when you take it upon yourself to decide for her that she shouldn't know the details. You're also treating her like a baby. And you're actually revealing another aspect of your personality: you seem to feel the need to control/manage people (i.e. your wife). Your wife is not an engineering project. She's a human being who is worthy of respect.

[Amethyst68]

I'm surprised you are convinced your wife doesn't know the truth. Your BW knows of your emotional attachment, the chances of you being in close proximity with the opportunity to have sex are negligible. Do you think she is naive out that she believes you are to honorable to act.

 

 

Read up on gaslighting and the damage it does.

 

 

You are not in a state of limbo, you are still deep in the affair with plans to meet up before her wedding. The chances are you will have sex and blame it on the circumstances, the heightened emotions.